Not a command, a promise

She stood in one place staring at the ground, 

wishing her glare alone would be enough 

to make a hole open up and swallow her. 

At that moment, she knew death was certain anyway. 

It wasn't death she was trying to avoid. 

It was the public humiliation.

The men holding her called out for the religious teacher

as if they actually cared about what she had done or his opinion.

"Teacher, this woman has been caught..."

She knew she was being made a example of

for some other purpose. It didn't matter.

"in the act of adultery."

Too humiliated to even cry,

She could feel her soul crumbling within her.

"The Law of Moses commanded us to stone such women..." 

Such women, the words sunk in. 

They might as well have called her garbage.

Even if they had let her live, she would be an outcast,
considered good for only one thing.

She was broken, and ready to die.

"So what do you say?" 

She waited an eternity for his answer.

At one point, she raised her gaze just a bit

half expecting to see a stone hurtling towards her.

Instead, she saw the teacher bent towards the ground,

writing in the dirt with his fingers

as they continued to badger him for an answer.

When he finally spoke, his voice rocked her to her core.

"Let him who is without sin among you 

be the first to throw a stone at her." 

and at that moment, she felt the faintest strain of hope.

The teacher continued to write in the dirt

as confusion swirled within her. 

What was he saying? It made no sense. 

She knew she had done wrong,

she knew the punishment that was coming.

she knew she deserved it.

But the men holding her there, began letting go.

They started walking away... one at a time.

She was still watching him write in the dirt

when he suddenly looked up and caught her gaze.

Without breaking eye contact, he stood up.

"Woman, where are they?
Has no one condemned you?" 

"No one, Lord." 

And Jesus said, 

          "Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more." 

~John 8:3-11 

Those last five words always stuck in my throat.

"Go and sin no more."

Many hear those words as a commandment. Sure you are forgiven, but God still expects you to work hard to keep up your end of the bargain, right?

That's what I believed.

I had heard it preached so many times... and I just knew I couldn't do it. So I didn't. Every time I did something I knew was wrong, the guilt/shame spiral that followed led me right back to the thing that I knew was hurting me. But I also knew I deserved it. I was shackling myself to those hurtful things, letting them define me and who I was.

The day that Jesus broke those chains for me by showing me how much He loved me, without any conditions or caveats on my behavior, was the best day of my life. That's why I identify with this story. I was never an adulteress by conventional standards, but lust, envy, pride, and more definitely had a hold on me... and I was never truly free until I found out that He didn't condemn me for those things. 

I believe the woman above felt the words the same way Jesus meant them for all of us on that day. "I don't condemn you for being human. I don't look down on you for not being perfect. I am not mad at you for what you've done. I love you. And because of that, I know you can do better."

And hearing those words, she straightened her shoulders and started the walk towards home. Not as a woman full of shame who would be doomed to repeat her mistakes because she called herself by the title those men had given her, but as someone who had a newfound freedom, knowing that nobody condemned her.

You see, "Go and sin no more" is too often taught as a command from God for excellence, when it's really meant as a statement of our freedom in Christ. When we know who we are, and what He thinks of us, it gives us the power and motivation to overcome those labels we used to put on ourselves, the ones that became chains that bound us.

Abusers, addicts, and adulterers alike can find freedom when they understand that Jesus doesn't condemn them for their struggle. I know I did. And it's not, as some people claim, the freedom to continue to sin as much as we want. It's the freedom to walk away from those things, knowing we are no longer defined by them. And, if we falter along the way, the freedom to get back up, dust ourselves off, and walk with our head still held high... because none of it changes who we are in Christ or what God sees when He looks at us.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.

~Romans 8:1

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

~John 8:36

I can't wait to see

I often say that I can't wait to see how God's provision comes through for one situation or another as I watch expectantly for the big "Ta-Da!" moment. When it comes that way, my mind is always blown and I love sharing the story with others.

But more often, the provision comes a little bit at a time, from all different directions. And while I am so grateful, I sometimes forget to share how God moved in those times as well.

In the last month, God's provision has come in the steady stream of new clients, the judgement for someone who owes me money who was able to pay some of it back, and the dealership who accidentally gave me the wrong tires months ago, that switched out my punctured tire (running on it's second can of fix-a-flat) in the process of reversing the previous error.

It came in a letter from the state telling me they need one more piece of proof of income so they can send that state tax return I forgot never came.

It came in the Neurosurgeon's billing specialist who said, "No, we don't accept your insurance, but just come to the appointment and we'll bill you after. When you get the bill, call us and we'll send you some paperwork to see how much our Community Cares program can help."

It comes a little bit at a time as I pass a sale at the mall or a yard sale down the street without buying anything... because I feel that gentle nudge in my spirit that part of being thankful for His provision is being wise with it as well.

I never know how God is going to follow through on His promises. I just know that He will. The tricky part is remembering to keep my eyes open for the how.

Our trip to California last February was amazing. I could go on for hours about the things God lined up for us and the ways He provided for that trip. I mean, really... who else could have arranged for five of us to fly from Chicago to LA on a major carrier for $600? Who else could have gotten the five of us into Disney for $150?

God could have dropped $10,000 in my lap again out of nowhere, but He didn't need to. He knew what we wanted and what we needed... and He took care of it a piece at a time.

God knows exactly what you need. God knows what you want, too. He has already promised to prosper you and give you a future. He has already promised to give you life more abundant. He keeps His promises.

In I Kings 17, we read about the widow of Zarephath. She had been told she was to feed a man of God who was coming her way. She knew she didn't have enough. She didn't even have enough to feed herself and her son. Yet, when Elijah asked her to make him food, promising her resources would not run dry, she did. The Bible says she and her son ate for many days afterwards.

While there are many things one can take away from this story, the one that I appreciate today is that God provided for this woman a day at a time. She could have given up the day before Elijah came, knowing there were only two days of food left. Instead she believed God would provide, and she waited.

You may be in a season of your life where He is providing one day at a time... which can make it feel like the provision isn't there. Take a deep breath and look around. See what you have and what HE has given you. How has God provided for where you are in this very moment?

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:31-34

What are you doing?

What are you doing to be a good Christian?

Die to yourself daily.
Make good choices.
Stop sinning.
Love one another.
Forgive.
Feed the poor.
Serve.
Be perfect.

It seems like Jesus sure expects a lot from us.

I don't know about you,
but I think that list sounds exhausting.
Reading that does not give me joy.
Reading that is depressing.
I can't do those things.
That does not sound like Good News.

If you agree, I do have some actual Good News for you.

Living a Christian life isn't really about DOING anything.

People see that list and are discouraged, I was.
Nobody can do all of that. Nobody can be perfect.

People lose heart because of all the stuff
they feel like they have to do to be a good Christian,
to be acceptable in God's sight.

But really, those changes to your life will be the natural fruit of your walk with Him.

If you are making choices to change the way you behave
and are only doing so through your own effort,
you will fail the moment your human effort gives out.

Spending time with Him,
really getting to know Him,
understanding who He made you to be...
it will make the parts of you that don't reflect Him wither away.
It won't be as difficult as it seems because you won't want them anymore.

And when that happens, you will realize
that the change really did happen in His strength,
and you couldn't have done it on your own anyway.

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people.

It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, 

and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.
~Titus 2:11-12 (Emphasis mine)

(In other words, stop relying on yourself to get it right and rely on the grace of God!)

Convincing arguments

One of my kids recently asked me what she could say to convince someone who doesn't believe in God to start believing.

I told her the truth: Nothing. 

Your words alone won't convince anyone of anything. Your actions are what make an impact. Your words will plant seeds, but for someone to change the way they believe they have to look at your life and say:

I want to live like that.

I want to have that kind of peace.
I want the joy that you have.

That's why it's important to remember that making dumb choices after you are saved is not going to keep you from Heaven... but it isn't going to get your friends there either.

Simple and too the point. You are always leading by example, even when you don't think you are the leader. People will know your heart by your actions. Whether they see Jesus in those actions or not is up to you.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, 

faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23 NLT

 
A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.
Matthew 7:18 NLT

Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.
John 13:35 NLT

Wanna cuddle?

(This week...)

Wanna cuddle?

I looked at the words on the instant messenger and sent back a reply,

I don't even know you.

So? I think you are beautiful.
I want to make love to you.

We had been talking for a few days after meeting in a Christian Facebook group online. I had made sure after an earlier comment that he was clear about my values and beliefs, and we had a few great conversations. At this point, if he had asked me out, I would have said yes.
Now, I'm just annoyed.

I'm not interested in someone
who is only interested in sex.

 I'm not. But we can start there.
I really think you are beautiful.

Beautiful. My mind immediately went backwards...

(A few years ago...)

Crying, replaying A's words in my head,
I followed him to my bedroom.
He was right. I was lucky to even
have him pay any attention to me.

At one point, I interrupted his rant.
Sniffling, I asked him,  
But do you think I'm pretty?

His answer doesn't matter.
My heart hurts knowing how
worthless I felt to allow myself
to be treated that way by anyone.

Some days, when I'm feeling particularly single and alone, and I consider the ways I could feel less so (even though I don't follow through) I wonder if I'm really that different now. Satan is good at trying to convince me that I am the same girl today that I was, that maybe people don't see it because I just have better acting skills.

 
(Back to this week)

Again I replied, probably too politely.

You don't even know me and
I told you I'm waiting for marriage. 

But I want... (I'm not putting what he said here.) 

I give up.

On? 

Convincing you that you are being disrespectful.

He sent a sad face and I ended the conversation.
Later that night, I got another message from him, calling me his lover.

Ummm, No.

Meanie.

Boundaries. You need to be reminded I have them. 

I'm going to cross all of them and hope you still like me.  

You don't think that's disrespectful?

He didn't answer until the next morning, at which point I let him know that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything with him. End of story.

I've had a little time to think about the whole scenario, and have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself. It's not just an act. I really mean it. Several times over the course of the last few days he had called me beautiful. He had said some other really sweet things as well. All things I would have done anything to hear in the past.

The words, "Wanna cuddle?" in the past would have made my heart skip a beat... no matter who the asker was. Not anymore.

Do I someday want a man to think I'm beautiful? Of course. But if my ultimate goal in a relationship is to be loved, honored, and cherished... I know that I can't let my head be turned by someone who doesn't even know me telling me I'm pretty.

It feels good to be able see the changes God is making in my heart, a little at a time... and to know for sure that no acting skills are involved. I value myself too much to let anyone treat me that way anymore... because I know that is how much He values me.

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, 

and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don’t recognize 

that we are God’s children because they don’t know him.

1 John 3:1

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for good

and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

Psalm 130:13-14

Relationships and respect

Recently I spoke at a conference for single moms. One of the mini-sessions was on "New Relationships." Here is what I shared with the single moms that day on this topic.

"Twenty years ago, my driver's ed teacher gave me the best relationship advice I've ever received. I often wish that I had listened to him sooner. “Ladies,” he said, “If a man does not have enough respect for you to drive safely when you are in the vehicle with him, he is not worth your time.”

He wasn't talking about someone who just truly is not a great driver. Nor was he talking about the man that gets that sparkle in his eye after a snowstorm and asks if you want to go to the nearest parking lot to do donuts. He was talking about the guy who is more worried about getting past that driver who cut him off than the fact that your knuckles are white as you grip the OS handle above the door, or one who thinks it is fun to speed, race, and whip around corners to scare you with his driving.

He was talking about respect.

I think we will all agree that in the search for the man God has for us, we know to rule out a few traits and behaviors. [Current] Alcoholics, addicts, abusers, liars... (those not yet recovering) these are men we want to avoid. We all know that. These are not the men I'm talking about 

Today I'm talking to you about the nice guy you've been dating or are thinking of dating. You have good moments, but sometimes you wonder if something isn't a little bit off. You catch yourself justifying things to keep the relationship together.

As single moms, loneliness is often a part of our daily lives. We love our kids, that's not a question. But, we long for the support that comes from having a significant other. What we don't realize is that keeping someone in our lives who doesn't respect us not only hurts us, but it sends the wrong messages to our children.

When you are in a situation where you are wondering where the relationship might be going, think about the word 'respect'. Is he showing you, and those around you that he respect you? There are a hundred ways someone can show a lack of respect. However, I have five questions for you that can help you get a better handle on that question.

Does he take you out ?

And I don't mean, “Do you make all the plans, go pick him up, and pay for everything?” I mean, does he plan dates, ever? Does he pay at least half the time? Does he pick you up? Does he ever offer to pay for a sitter so that you can go out?

Sitting at home on the couch and watching a movie is nice, but it is NOT a date. 

Coming over to do his laundry while you cook him dinner is NOT a date. 

Sleeping over is NOT a date.

Sex is NOT a date.

Does he keep his word?

Being a single mother means we have suffered through a lot of disappointment in our lives. It dampens our ability to trust others and what they say, especially men. If you are in a serious relationship, and you are not beginning to believe him when he says something, there is a problem. 

1. Either you have serious trust issues that are going to make it hard to keep any healthy relationship. Or 
2. He keeps his word so infrequently that you are unable to build any trust in him.

You deserve a man who keeps his word.

Does he make time for you?
How often does he text you randomly? Is he always busy? Does he 'forget' to call? 

Even if the rare times you do get together are great, you need someone who cares enough to make time for you. He does not need to be at your beck and call, all day every day.  

Is he proud of the relationship?

You should be dating a man whose friends and family know you exist. How do they know? You have met them.

If you spend the whole evening with a man on Saturday and on Sunday morning he will not sit with you in church. It doesn't matter what he says about “gossip” or “taking things slow” … cut him loose.

Someone who truly cares doesn't get mad when you occasionally tag him on Facebook. He is willing to change his FB relationship status. He does not have to be okay with your whole relationship playing out on social media.  However, if he is hiding you or hiding the relationship, then it is time to move on.

Do you have to make excuses for him?

As you were reading these questions, the man that you care about now, or someone from your past likely popped into your mind.

For some of you, when that guy popped into your mind, you were likely thinking about his but. Not B-U-T-T … BUT. He would make more time for me BUT our kid-free weekends are opposite each other's. I do always pay for dates, BUT he doesn't have a job right now. I'm not allowed to interact with him on Facebook BUT it's just because he's not ready for people to know about us yet.

If you are thinking about his BUT he is either not in the place for a relationship right now, or he is not the right guy for you. Nobody is perfect, but excuse after excuse is not going to get you where you want to be, or where God wants you to be.

Some men will get a “No” in some of these categories because they are jerks. They don't respect you. They don't put your needs first. They want what they want. Love is the opposite of self. Someone who always puts himself first does not mean it when he says that he loves you. He may not even know what that word means.

Others will get a “No” to some of these categories even though they are not jerks. A man can be a really good person and still not be the right one for you, for whatever reason. As hard as it is to let go of them in terms of romantic relationships, you need to know that God adores you and he doesn't want you in a relationship with a man who doesn't feel the same way.

I talk about sex a lot because we have to deal with it a lot. Those of us who choose to abstain until we are married are up against a great struggle, both internally and externally.

God makes it clear in His Word that sex outside of marriage is a sin. But I am going to tell you something you won't hear often enough. I want you to know that if you choose not to abstain, or if you fall into temptation, God still loves you. God isn't angry with you. God can be disappointed with your choices, but you aren't going to Hell for having sex. 

Are you living your best life? No. 

Are you experiencing the relationship God intended for you? Nope.

But God still loves you. 

If you slip up and end up having sex, you can not let yourself be pulled into a downward spiral of guilt and shame and let that pull you away from your relationship with Him."

It's not an excuse to do whatever you want, it is a reminder that the God who created you wants you to get up and try again... remind yourself: God wants MORE for you than this. He ADORES you and wants you to be with someone who does also.

 For the Lord your God is living among you.
    He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
    With his love, he will calm all your fears.
    He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

~Zephaniah 3:17

Fighting for new

Just because I'm a new creation,
forgiven, freed and loved, doesn't
mean breaking out of old patterns
is any easier for me than before.
I'm still a human, broken girl
who has trouble making sense of
the world around her, fighting
each step of the way to embrace "new."

When one ex-turned-friend, not D,
sent inappropriate texts last week,
it took me a couple of days
to tell him to please stop.
In fact, just hours before I stopped it,
I had formed a plan in my mind
to follow through on the things he
suggested might be fun to try again.

But, in my heart I knew that simply
attempting to fulfill the longing to be
wanted, touched, and held would
not truly fulfill the real desire
to be loved, honored, cherished.
I could be feeling shame right now
that I was weak in the moment,
but I gave God the chance to step in
and He helped me make a way out.

The Bible says thinking is as bad as doing.
Stopping at that logic, there is no point in resisting.
Instead I choose to see this as another step
to a real victory over my deceitful mind and will.

Don't give up. Don't give in.
Eventually it will get better. 
God's got this, I have to believe.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. 

And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 

~1 Cor. 10:13

Tuesday

I spent Tuesday in bed.

A truly inspiring Christian author
wrote me yesterday, calling me a
"faithful, humble and bold believer"
and I couldn't help but think,
"If he only knew I was so
discouraged that I spent Tuesday
in bed, sleeping and crying."

How bold and faithful is that?

Since my post about "Worth"
last week, Satan has made it his
mission to see that I don't recognize
mine by bringing to light the
comments, thoughts and actions of
those who often act as if I have none,
from exes to my own children.

This isn't what I asked God to show me.

As I function as this person I am, and
then turn and share about the love, mercy,
and grace of God with others,
I feel like I'm two different people.
The faithful, humble, bold believer, and
the girl who recognized the oncoming train
as an attack by Satan, but didn't run.

No, I laid down on the track in front of it.

I love being the girl who shares with others about
what God has done in my life. I love inspiring
people with hope of what He wants to do
in theirs. I love connecting with people,
sharing, pouring into them, saying something
I feel is random and finding out God put
those words in my heart for just that one person.

Being that girl is awesome.

Some days I just wish I could get THAT girl to knock some sense into THIS one.

Progress, I guess

Not content to be the slow and steady tortoise.
I know better than to be the high and mighty hare.
Three steps forward and two and a half back is
still progress, right? So slow though. So slow.

I worry tonight that I may never get it right,
that 30 years from now God will say, "I did have
an awesome plan, but it didn't seem as though
you wanted it badly enough to play by My rules.
You missed it, and I moved on. Sucks to be you."

Would He do that? I don't know. 

I recently told a friend "If there was a chance
'A' was available and interested,  it would
take a moment or less to say, " 'D' who?"
Later, another thought crossed my mind...

Am I so much less inspired by God,
the creator of Heaven and Earth, the One who
promises to give me everything I will ever need,
that I would take a leap of faith for a man who will
at some point let me down, but not a God who promises otherwise?

Don't I trust Him more than that? I thought I did.

Tonight I watched reality TV. Bear Grylls
talked about not needing to have a tight grip
on the things of this world because he's
holding tightly to the One that matters most.

My heart swelled to see it on Prime Time,
but inside I felt a little tug that annoyed me.
I'm not asking for fame or fortune or a nice car,
clothes, house, money, I don't care about those.
Why is wanting to love and be loved wrong?

How do I make myself want it less? I don't know.

And as I write I think, "What happened to focusing
on His glory and not on your struggles?"
That's one of those steps back I guess.
If I got it all right the first try (or the 27th)
how real would that be? Writing it out and continuing on...

Faster than the tortoise and smarter than the hare, I hope.
Although, that begs the question, "Where is the finish line?"

Give me strength

I am not one to jump out of bed daily
with a spring in my step, ready to go.
I can be pretty productive in the morning,
but the enemy likes to pounce before
my eyes are even open. My first victory
every day is just getting out of bed.
Sometimes that victory is a first place trophy,
other times it is a participation ribbon that says,
"This is your life, thanks for showing up today."

I need You to soften my heart, to break me apart.
I need You to open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life. 

For awhile now, I've woken up each day
with a different song in my head.
I hadn't thought much about before today.
What if this isn't just the typical craziness
of my brain, but a Gift to encourage me
to get through the attacks that start
when I'm barely conscious and continue
until I'm headed out the door, focused elsewhere,
often having missed out on precious time at His feet.

 Give me strength, to trust what You say

That You're good, and Your love is great

I don't just need faith to believe what He says,
there's no doubt I believe, but the strength
to put His commands into action. To do.
There's a big difference between believing and doing.
I'd love to say I get it right most of the time, but
there are things that I need to change.
Some things I'm aware of, some I am not. 
He knows though, and He has the strength to help.
The problem is relying on His strength instead of my own. 

I may be weak, but your Spirit's strong in me.

My flesh may fail, my God You never will.

As He continues to open my eyes to what
He is doing and planning for my life,
I have to continue to attempt to shift my focus
from my battles to His power, strength, and glory,
and to the gifts He gives me every day...
A song in my heart, and continued grace
as I walk this path. It feels like a crazy winding road,
but it doesn't matter as long as I focus on the Light
that is at my feet, giving me just enough grace to take the next step.

I need You to soften my heart, to break me apart.
I need You to pierce through the dark, and cleanse every part of me
All I am, I surrender...

Self respect vs him

I've admitted to knowing that my relationship with D is unhealthy.
When I'm unavailable due to distance or emotion, he tends to try harder.
When I come around emotionally or when he gets back into town from a trip,
he is suddenly no longer interested in spending time or even talking to me.

I've been working on coming to terms with this weird push-pull.
 
While we haven't been dating over the last several months,
I wanted to believe something was there over these last weeks.
I wanted to believe all the best in him that I knew I had seen.
I wanted to believe that D and I would work, were PTSD not involved.

I hope I can truly say that this particular roller-coaster ride is over.

It is not uncommon for people in my life to tell me they will do something
but not follow through for one reason or another. Often waiting until
the very last moment, or beyond, to cancel or make an excuse for backing out.
Over the last year the lack of respect in this has become increasingly irritating.

Still, every time D did it, I made an excuse for him, PTSD. Even upset, I let it go.

He's been doing it more and more lately, then flashing a smile and asking
me to forgive him as though he had no control over the circumstances.
This afternoon he tried it again, this time cutting an entire evening of plans
down to what would amount to an hour on Friday for a quick dinner.

I told him that if I'm not important enough to make time for, then to forget it.

I truly think he thought he would call my bluff by saying, "Forget it then."
I told him "Thanks for letting me know." I'm sure he was waiting for more.
I started to tear up and then I told myself, this has nothing to do with you.
He has proven himself not worth my time and energy any longer.

As I told a friend, "That could change in 10 minutes..." but it hasn't yet.

I think that when he realizes I really am upset enough to not care anymore
he will try to get back into my good graces. That's how this game is played.
I pray I have the strength to resist. I pray God takes my feelings for him
and tosses them deep into the sea, leaving them there, on the ocean floor.

In the battle of self-respect vs a man's attention there should be a no contest.

Should be no contest.  Those are some very important words there.
Does that mean he won't try again? No. Does that mean I wont fail? No.
But to get back to that healthier person I thought I was a few months ago
I am going to have to try harder than I have been, and be more determined.

Prayer changes things. I know this. Please pray for me. With God I know I can do this.

Pray for us, for our conscience is clear and we want to live honorably in everything we do.
~Hebrews 13:18

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. 

~Proverbs 31:25

Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a good conscience, desiring to conduct ourselves honorably in all things - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Self-Respect#sthash.ss31L6We.dpuf

Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a good conscience, desiring to conduct ourselves honorably in all things - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Self-Respect#sthash.ss31L6We.dpuf

Another vote for celibacy

He often told her he
loved her, missed her,
found her irresistible...

She had moved on,
was seeing someone else.
He wouldn't stop flirting,
stopping by, making her laugh.

To be honest, she hadn't
discouraged him enough.
"Stop" only worked temporarily.
Ignoring him only encouraged him.

Until the day he overheard her tell a friend she was very late.
Looking back, she says, pregnancy was not logically even possible
But they weren't completely innocent and there was enough doubt to scare him.

Instead of "I meant it when I said I love you. It's not ideal, but we'll get through it together."
She heard "If you are, I'll take care of my responsibility" then "I wish I could wake up and this was all a dream" then later "I feel like I want to die."

He had often told her he
loved her, missed her,
found her irresistible...

Until he realized it might be forever.


I have permission to write about this
but it doesn't really matter who they are.
This could be anybody's story.
The good news for them
is that it was a false alarm.
They are both free of each other.

Not everyone is so lucky...

Celibacy is looking better and better to me...

Growing

It used to be that whenever
I felt sadness or rejection
I would attempt to find someone
to pay attention to me
and get them to tell me
they thought I was
pretty, or special, or something else.

Some told me in words,
others in actions that I interpreted myself.

Every time it was destructive
to me and my emotional well-being
as well as my relationship with Jesus, but I was in denial.

Last night a man I know
inadvertently made me feel
inferior, less than, and unworthy.

Caught up in his own head,
listening to those sneaky whispers from the dark,
He started talking/posting about
the kind of woman
he didn't want to marry.
He made it clear that some sins
while forgiven by God,
made some women ineligible.

I logged off the computer
knowing the Truth,
but feeling deflated at the same time.
Not that I wanted to marry him,
but there are plenty of woman like me
who God has made new.

If he wrote these women off,
He was telling me I wasn't good enough either.

Within minutes I had a text on my phone from an ex.
I won't tell you what it said, but it was suggestive in nature.
The enemy knows my weaknesses, and he works fast.

The first text I treated as a joke.
The second I answered with a smart comment.
The third I answered with the truth:

I told you 'if you ever want a friend, 
you know where to find me,' 
but it doesn't sound like 
you just want a friend at the moment.
... Have a good night.

Saying no to flirtation with temptation
has been difficult for me, especially
when my feelings have been hurt.
It is so easy to look to a man
and let him boost my self esteem.

But I've come to learn that
while I was wandering around
looking for one to tell me my worth
The One who created me was watching
     and calling out to me...
          "I KNOW your value, just ask Me."

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
Before you were born I set you apart
and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1:5 (NLT)

“Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child?
Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
But even if that were possible,
I would not forget you!See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.
Always in my mind is a picture of Jerusalem’s walls in ruins.
Isaiah 49:15-16 (ESV)

But now, God’s Message,
the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.
(Isaiah 43:1-4 MSG)

Learning to be respected

While my decision for celibacy
before marriage was made clear
from the very beginning,
actually sticking to those beliefs
has been more confusing
than I ever thought possible.
As he deliberately takes steps
to ensure that I not find myself
in compromising situations,
the neediness and selfishness
of the old me flare up.
I want to be desired, who doesn't?
So when he draws a line, a boundary,
I immediately feel hurt, and scared.
Why wouldn't he want this?
I know why, my mind says...
I am not __________ enough.
Fill it in. There are plenty of adjectives
that will work in that space.

I let him spend the night, one night.
Just sleeping. That's all.
I've written before
     about stupid things I've done
          to have an arm around me while I slept
So yesterday, in a display of respect,
when he told me it couldn't happen again
I was hurt, and angry, and confused.
Frustrated text messages flew
as we tried to figure out
what the other was really thinking.
     All I felt was rejection.
     All I felt was being pushed away.
     All I felt was loss of control of the situation.
I finally got him to concede,
to say he would stay again,
to tell me everything was fine...
I felt awful.
I could feel something stirring inside
telling me that I was wrong.
As I sat with that feeling
it suddenly occurred to me
that what I was seeing
might not be rejection at all.
This might be the most respectful thing
any man has ever done for me.
I've mentioned before how no man
has ever been willing to wait for me
for more than two weeks...
Here we are now, a month in
and he is standing his ground,
setting boundaries to protect me.
I didn't take it well,
but I'm working on it.
We talked more, came to the conclusion
that he was right, and I was not.
I don't know if he understands
why this is hard for me, but he will.
I don't know if he understands
how much I treasure his respect
now that I see it as such, but he will.

I'll be honest,
because that's what you do
in a blog about accountability... right?

I still want him to stay.

But what girl in her right mind could look at a man
who is trying to do what is best for both of them
and say, "Please respect me a little less."
How disrespectful of HIM would that be of me?

When you've never been respected before, learning to accept it is difficult. But when you finally see it for what it is, you will find that the ways it changes you, your feelings, and the relationship are worth the struggle it takes to understand.

~~~~~
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you. 

Matthew 7:12 

Apples

The apple hanging in that tree
in the middle of The Garden was
the perfect shade of the perfect color.
Just a look at it and she knew
it was going to be delicious.
The biggest, unblemished,
juiciest apple,
to ever ruin a life... 
she ignored that last line.

She was warned.
We have been too.

You know you aren't
supposed to eat the apple.
You know you shouldn't
even think about it.
You know you shouldn't
reach out towards it.
You know you shouldn't
see how close you can stand to it
without actually breaking the rules.

But we still do. Why?
 
Because it is just so perfect,
exactly what we think we want.

Perfect is subjective, isn't it?

Everybody's perfect apple
is a different shade, texture, flavor.
Hung in the spot on the tree that
puts it directly in their eye line.
We don't stop to wonder
how exactly it got there,
to just that spot where
we don't have to reach too high
or why the lights hit it just so
to give it that enticing shine.

The enemy knows
whether you like Red Delicious
or Granny Smith or Fuji apples.
He knows you've been told
to stay away from them
but enjoys reminding you
how much you used to love your apples. 

Drugs, alcohol, sex, porn,
rage, food, greed, lies, laziness
all dangling apples
all right within reach.
They seem to be the perfect shade
of the perfect color, of the best kind.
Just a look at it and you know
it is going to be delicious.

The biggest, unblemished,
juiciest apples,
to ever ruin a life...
Don't ignore that last line.

Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
Matthew 26:41

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:2-4

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

Uncensored

I try not to sensor myself here, but sometimes that is difficult. In the past, I have been very, very blunt about where I am coming from and what I am dealing with.

Since I started sharing the blog with more people, I have used broader terms, even when I'm talking about something specific. Sometimes that is a good thing... sometimes I don't know.

It is important to me that I be real here.
People need to know that it is okay to be real.
Christians are real people, with real struggles.
And it's okay to talk about those struggles.
All of them.
Even the ones you don't want people to know about.

Why? Because they are struggling with the same things... and they don't want you to know either.

But Paul told us that He delights in his weaknesses as they are the way to let God's light shine through him. That is partly why I am doing this.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Cor 12:9-10

Please know that as I work up the courage to again delve into some dark places, the purpose is always to show God's strength in my own weaknesses in order to encourage others that He can do the same for them. Even on my bad days, when my posts seem negative, you can be sure that I write KNOWING that God is going to teach me something or turn the situation around in some way that helps encourage you.

Much of this is not easy stuff to talk about, but it's time that Christians understand that hiding their pains, fears and weaknesses isn't doing anyone any good... and it isn't going to bring healing or growth, something we should all strive for.

Failure

I wonder sometimes
if it wouldn't be easier
to just fail.

God is going to love me
the same
whether I walk the right path
or not...
why keep fighting so hard?

Business, parenting, love... all of it.
Go with the flow.
Don't bother with being responsible.
My life would be easier
if I could just give in,
if I could just give up.

Wouldn't it?

I want to say yes,
but I tried that before too.
On my own.
When everything I did was okay
and the consequences didn't matter...

It sounds easier, but in reality,
nothing was easier.
Everything was messier.
Nothing worked out right.
Ever.

But success? Success is hard!
It often seems so much harder
when I look at the work it takes
to make that happen.

The difference is that God promises this path,
the one He wants me to be on,
the one where I reach for success,
will eventually turn out okay.


Pulling these up to read to myself over and over, remembering that prosperity, profit and poverty can mean money, but also mean so much more when looking at the depth of one's life.

His favor rests on me and establishes the work of my hands. Psalms 90:17



 

And I will eat the fruit of my labor; blessings and prosperity will be mine. Psalms 128:2

 

All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty. Proverbs 14:23

 

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

I Corinthians 15:58

Working to remember these verses and focus on the promises You have given me, Lord. So that I can remember what I am supposed to be doing here instead of how hard it is and how the walk is affecting me.

Maintaining a thankful heart today...
Thankful that I am not battling in vain.
Thankful that You always keep Your promises.
Thankful that You walk with me, whether I feel You or not.

Thankful that You understand wanting to give up, wanting the cup to be taken from you, and knowing that the Father's plan was better than the one you were wishing for at that moment.
Failure isn't an option.

Alone

If I only share the positive, then none of what I write matters.

I am tired, angry, and frustrated at the moment.

I can say it over and over.

Sometimes I even convince myself it’s true.

As long as I have Jesus

I am not alone.

But let’s be real here…

(because if you haven’t noticed

I’m all about being real here…)

I am still alone.

Go ahead and argue with me.

Remind me of every amazing thing

God has done

and is doing

in my life.

I know!

Tell me how much worse

other people have it.

I know that too.

I will tell you that

Monday night I went to a Christmas program by myself.

Tuesday night I went to a funeral alone.

Tonight was another Christmas program.

I have no Christmas decorations up.

I haven’t done one bit of actual shopping.

I can’t wait for my kids to go away for the weekend.

I feel awful for saying that.

It doesn’t make it less true.

Promises are comforting

But they don’t park the car.

And they don’t make the dinner.

And they don’t do the laundry.

And they don’t clean the house.

And they don’t make holiday plans.

And they don’t stand up for you when nobody will listen.

I do all those things, and so much more.

Alone.

The worst part is knowing

it will be this way

for a very long time.

I don’t like to admit it…

but I know.

Now you’re probably thinking,

 “Hey, isn’t this the girl

who keeps telling us

this life isn’t about her?

It sure sounds like she thinks it is…”

I know that too.

Unfortunately for me, I’m also still human

And as I’ve said before… humanity sucks.

Thank God for mercies that are new every morning.

Praying that tomorrow will be a much better day.

Not banking on it though.

Accountability

This blog started 

as a way to hold myself 

accountable.

 I want to make sure 

that doesn't slip away.

 Temptation 

comes in many forms.

Tonight it came in the form 

of half a can of cream cheese frosting.

Earlier it came in the form 

of a double cheeseburger.

I’ll be running without fail tomorrow afternoon.

I hit a net loss of 76lbs before thanksgiving 

and was still holding on to it this morning.

Not so sure tomorrow will be the same.

Um, I also smothered my cottage cheese with french fried onions today.
Twice.

I think that's all.

There might be more to say tonight...

     but I'm hungry.