What's your plan?

"Write down what your dreams, goals, and plans were for the last year."

I looked at the workbook page and thought for a minute before I started writing.

Dreams: To take my kids on a real vacation before Alexandra graduated, and to be in a solid, healthy relationship.

Goals: Weight loss, finishing my book proposal, growing my platform, buying a house, financial stability.

Plans: Survival.

I stared at the paper. 
Wait, did I just write that? 
I did. Wow.

When I talk to people about interviewing employees, I often share one of my favorite questions with them. "What's your dream? What do you really want to do?" I've said time and again that the employees who have a dream and a plan to attain that dream are usually my most successful employees. They know what they are working towards!

And yet, for some reason, despite some great goals and dreams, I only planned for survival.

One of my favorite Bible passages is Ephesians 3:20-21:

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

I KNOW God wants to do great things for me. I KNOW that His plans far exceed mine. I KNOW He is not only able, but He is willing... And I still planned for the bare minimum... survival.

This past year, I often asked God for help and believed He would come through for me. On several occasions He did, probably more than I realize. But looking at these verses and thinking about what I actually planned for leave me wondering if God didn't hope to bless me more, but I had planned Him out of it. 

Psalms 20:4 says:

May he give you the desire of your heart

and make all your plans succeed.

I do believe God gave me many of the desires of my heart this year in addition to making my plans succeed... but what if my plans had been bigger? What if instead of survival I had PLANNED on being blessed and amazed by Him? 

As I continue to work through this program on setting and achieving my goals for the next year, I am more and more excited about what is to come. I am planning on some huge breakthroughs this year and I can't wait to see how God makes those plans succeed.

How about you? What's your plan? What are you asking God to help you with as we move into the Christmas season and new year? 

Whatever it is, are you PLANNING on Him coming through for you? Or, like I have so many times, are you working on your plan for what you'll do if He doesn't?

Today I'm telling God that, more than ever, I want His plans for me to match my plans for me... I want to rest in His promises of hope, joy, abundance, and success instead of planning on the bare minimum. 

Care to join me?

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

I came that [YOU] may have life and have it abundantly.

John 10:10

The program I am going through is Michael Hyatt's Best Year Ever. It is only available for a limited time every year, but you can check it out here:
http://bestyearever.me/register/

Unprepared

For someone energized by being around people,

a week of being stuck at home sick

proved to be too much for my mind and spirit.

Stomach flu on Christmas Eve Eve, followed by

fever and cough, only a few hours of “well” in between.

By day six, ten minutes without crying was my limit.

"Mind over matter" didn't work. I told the kids to get ready,

we were going out for dinner. Then the sunlight hit my retinas.

There was sneezing and tears, followed by real tears, followed by

a three hour nap after telling the kids, "Eat whatever you want."

We've gone through a lot of cereal this week.

While I know "Greater is He Who is in me,"

Satan is still pretty smart. Smarter than me.

I was weak from all of this, and he knew it, 

calculating the lies I was most likely to believe, 

lying alone there in my room, in the dark. I didn't even fight back.

I did manage to write a guest blog post about how faith

has changed my life. I sent it off feeling like a total fraud,

laying in bed, crying about life. I fought with a few people via text, 

ranted about this and that via IM, even sent off an angry email,

followed by an apology a few hours later.

All because I wasn't fighting back.

I'm feeling 95% better today...

and thinking about how I could have done things differently.

Why didn't I have praise and worship music playing?

Why didn't I stop and pray before I said words I couldn't take back?

Why have I read 127 internet articles this week, but few Bible verses?

Pain and sickness, two of the easiest ways to pull my eyes from Jesus.

In hindsight I see everything I could have done better a little more clearly.

Had I not been so caught up in busyness the week before, that I had

neglected prayer and reading and spending time with Him, it probably

wouldn't have been so far from my mind when I hit this wall this week.

Live and learn? I hope so.I can't believe I was so unprepared.

I still flew off the handle at my kids morning,

not quite as ready for the “normal” as I thought.

Pretty sure that I still owe them a better apology too.

Glad every minute is a chance to make the next right choice

and even failing completely an hour ago, doesn't mean the day is ruined.

Headed to Christmas at Mom's now.

My oldest child is driving while I type.

Looking forward to french toast, bacon and eggs.
Expecting to gain back some of the nearly10lbs I've lost this week... and not care a bit.

Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.
Colossians 4:2

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like 

a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8

Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-Prepared#sthash.NvO6MOYb.dpuf

Another Christmas survived...

I used to love Christmas.

It was my absolute favorite time of the year.

I still love the songs. I still love the story.
(and that it is so much more than a story...)
But this time of year is hard now.
I have to believe it will some day be fun again.
Someday.

Today, when the kids left, I went to bed, trying to get the day to go away.
Though the next six hours were a mishmash of sleep, tears and snot...
(lovely picture, I know... that comforter is sooo going to the laundromat this week...)
I didn't fall back on any of my old stand-by 'feel-better' measures...
I know they only worked temporarily anyway.
Feeling better temporarily isn't worth breaking the promises that I've made
when God has been so faithful to me with His promises over the last year.

I'm not against drinking alcohol from time to time... but not specifically with the purpose of forgetting that I am having a bad day. So I haven't touched it today.
I didn't call any old friends who would get me into trouble... which is what I did last year.

So while my Christmas this year has been a bit rougher, and a little less "fun"...
I know I'll come through it with fewer regrets than last year.
And that is including the massive amount of Chinese food I ate a bit ago...

So, I don't have any deep message to share.
No big miracles happened today.
Some days the blog is just about accountability...
and keeping track of the changes God is making in my life.

Hopefully one year soon, I'll be able to look back at this Christmas
and say, "Wow, life has really changed... I'm so glad I waited patiently for
the plan that God had for me... instead of continuing to try to make my own,
even when the waiting was difficult."

 

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. Isaiah 43:2

 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

He is never surprised

God really likes to keep me guessing.

Maybe it is because of the fact that I am still in awe when He pulls something together, seemingly at the last minute, and I see the long line of events that brought me to that moment. I say seemingly because I know that the things that surprise me, He has known about since the beginning of time.

Today the surprise was tires... but not just the tires...

So, I have been waiting for this very large check to come. I have plans for most of it as soon as it gets here. One thing that I was going to do was get tires. Mine were REALLY bad. Not safe. But the check hasn't come.

I keep saying that God knows where the check is and when it is coming and His timing is perfect. IT is true. I totally believed it. However, in the mean time, Christmas is coming and I am struggling financially. As much as He is blessing and taking care of us, it has been difficult to accept help. It is so easy to say in response to an offer of help, "Surely there is someone else who needs this." or "Yes, we can use one of those, but God is taking care of us..."

But Friday morning He showed me that by holding on to that check, and keeping it from reaching me right now, God has been forcing me to allow others to bless me. Seriously, if I had that check in hand, I would have said, "Oh no... you can give that to someone who really needs it." or even "I know a family... maybe I should help them out since I can right now."

In reality, while this check can give a small business a boost (the purpose for the check) but it is not an exorbitant amount of money. While I have plans to spend it wisely, I know that the business will use most of it up fairly quickly...

So beyond making me accept blessings from others, He has ensured I'll make it through the holiday season without being tempted to spend it in the wrong places.
In the mean time, my tires have been getting worse and worse. They all needed filled almost daily. One even had a noticeable high-pitched whine from the air that was escaping. It was ridiculously unsafe. Especially with a layer of ice on the ground.

Several people expressed concern about the tires, and one asked me if he could just buy me new tires. My gut reaction was, "Thank you, but no." but I told him I would pray about it when he assured me that there were no strings attached, he just wanted to be a blessing. Honestly, I still felt really uncomfortable about it... but I told him I would pray about it and I did. But I didn't really get an answer.

One of the ways that someone else had blessed us was a gift card to Tractor Supply Company help buy the kids new boots. Again, I really struggled with accepting it, but when I had the epiphany about why God hasn't let me have the check yet, I realized I didn't really have a choice.

The TSC closest to my house didn't have the sizes I needed, so I drove to a neighboring town to see if they did. The thirty minute drive there made it clear that I was in trouble. My alignment was off. The wheel jerked back and forth as I drove. My low-tire light kept flashing at me. I left TSC with the boots I was looking for and my heart sank as I saw I needed air in my tires again.

That's when I started talking to God out loud in the car. It went a little something like this, "I don't know what you want me to do. If you can keep these tires going for a couple more weeks and keep us safe, fine... but tell me and quit making me worry. Do you want me to accept help from that guy? I would need a very real sign to be able to do that." At this point I was yelling a little bit. "I'm sorry I'm stupid, that I need things spelled out for me, but I do... so spell it out. Tell me to do."

A few seconds... yes SECONDS... later, I turned a corner in the string of connected parking lots, to see a Firestone store with the OPEN sign lit up in the window. "Really?" I don't believe in coincidences, so I went in and asked what tires they had available. They didn't have my size in stock. They could order them though. Then, the manager stopped and looked again. "I had a no-show this morning that had ordered tires this size. If you want them, they are yours."

I was wondering if this was sign I was supposed to ask that person who had offered help to do so when I saw the sign on the wall for 6months same as cash. I applied. I prayed. I was approved. I fought tears at the tire counter. An hour later I was driving away. As long as I pay for the tires with my check when it comes, I will not have to pay interest. Also, I got a discount because I used their credit card to get them.

If I hadn't allowed myself to be blessed with the gift card to TSC, I wouldn't have been in that neighboring town today, yelling at God for not answering me when I want Him to. (It happens a lot. It never seems to phase Him though...) I wouldn't have found these tires... and none of this would have happened.

While I was surprised at how things worked out today, He is never surprised. He knows that I am actively trying to seek His will in all things (even though I often fail) and He wanted me to know that He is paying attention... and taking care of my needs.

After I finished getting my tires and doing some Christmas shopping in the neighboring stores, I went through the Starbucks drive-through. A friend had given me a gift card, so I ordered my usual iced tea and then gave in and ordered a Panini as well. The voice through the speaker said, "Oh, we never have any of those left this late in the day. Let me check." She came back just a few seconds later and said, "We did have one left. That never happens! God must have wanted you to have one today!"

And while her comment surprised me... it didn't surprise Him at all.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Alone

If I only share the positive, then none of what I write matters.

I am tired, angry, and frustrated at the moment.

I can say it over and over.

Sometimes I even convince myself it’s true.

As long as I have Jesus

I am not alone.

But let’s be real here…

(because if you haven’t noticed

I’m all about being real here…)

I am still alone.

Go ahead and argue with me.

Remind me of every amazing thing

God has done

and is doing

in my life.

I know!

Tell me how much worse

other people have it.

I know that too.

I will tell you that

Monday night I went to a Christmas program by myself.

Tuesday night I went to a funeral alone.

Tonight was another Christmas program.

I have no Christmas decorations up.

I haven’t done one bit of actual shopping.

I can’t wait for my kids to go away for the weekend.

I feel awful for saying that.

It doesn’t make it less true.

Promises are comforting

But they don’t park the car.

And they don’t make the dinner.

And they don’t do the laundry.

And they don’t clean the house.

And they don’t make holiday plans.

And they don’t stand up for you when nobody will listen.

I do all those things, and so much more.

Alone.

The worst part is knowing

it will be this way

for a very long time.

I don’t like to admit it…

but I know.

Now you’re probably thinking,

 “Hey, isn’t this the girl

who keeps telling us

this life isn’t about her?

It sure sounds like she thinks it is…”

I know that too.

Unfortunately for me, I’m also still human

And as I’ve said before… humanity sucks.

Thank God for mercies that are new every morning.

Praying that tomorrow will be a much better day.

Not banking on it though.

Till He appeared

O Holy night, the stars are brightly shining

It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth.

How do I explain to you

what He means to me?

How do I explain

the differences I see

when I look at myself

such a short time

after truly committing

to understand His love?

Someone else did it already.

I’ve heard it a hundred times,

but never really listened...

 Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

 

I wandered a long time

In my own sin and error

Pining away? You tell me…

 

Sounds pretty familiar, in hindsight.

How could any heart not be broken

that doesn’t truly realize

how much it is worth?

How could anyone who doesn’t see

the kind of sacrifice He made

to spend eternity with them

to make this life worth living
not be slowly wasting away?

That line, those words,

“Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth”

brought tears,
even though 

I’d sung it

     a hundred times before.

          A connection was made.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

What a thrill hope is.
I’ve been hopeless

just before that tiny shaft of light

pierced through what I saw

and brought me hope

that there was something

besides the darkness

I had confined myself to.

Those of us who
finally see the light

have no reason to continue

sitting in the darkness.

The best thrill of my life.

Exhausted from my struggles

I couldn’t not rejoice

at the new morning

that He brought forth.

 

Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born

The world was different that night.

Changed. 

     Forever.

          Just like me

               when my soul felt its worth.