Six years ago this week

This is the time of year where Facebook Memories reminds me daily of how far I've come.
Six years and a couple days ago I posted about just being thankful to have any roof over my head and to wake up someplace where I wasn't afraid of what anyone in the place I was living was going to do that day.

Of course, the new place the kids and I were living was a campground and I had no idea what was in store in the coming months. It was just day one.

Things got way worse before they got any better.
At one point I lost all hope that anything would change for us... And yet, here we are. 


Some days I'll see the status updates from back then and remember what really happened that day... because I was too ashamed to admit the truth to anyone. Other days I'll just wish I hadn't re-read it because that girl was a hot mess!

If I could have seen this far into the future back then, I would have laughed and told God He had the wrong girl... and I would have been right. I barely recognize that girl when I look in the mirror these days. (That's a good thing.)

I wasn't going to post this, then my 14yo randomly said to me, "Can you imagine if someone had told us about our lives now back when we moved into the camper? We would have laughed."

Laughed. Cried. Run and hid. We would have done something!

I don't know what all of my friends are struggling through right now... but know that if I could tell you now how much better your life will be when you just have a little faith... you would probably laugh at me too.

All I can say right now is just hang on... and keep your eyes open. God has a plan, but He won't force you into it. So, when God puts opportunities in front of you... take them.

And when you look behind you, don't beat yourself up over all the things that pulled you down. Grace and mercy have followed you for a reason. Look behind you and see them there, covering everything else and be thankful.

I know some of you are thinking, "Kindall, you've done what you've done because of YOU..." And you are partly right. I hear you... and I LOVE that so many people believe in me and are proud of me.

It is true that I saw opportunities and I took them. Work needed to be done and I worked my butt off. Parts of me were broken and I went and found the help that I needed to fix them.

But I didn't have the strength to do all of that myself... not until I understood what God really thought of me, that I could be secure in my belief that He ONLY wanted good for me. That He doesn't just care about eternity, but also my life while I'm here... that He wasn't just waiting for me to make a mistake so He could make an example of me. 

Some people have told me, "You're just blessed. Whatever you touch works out." Haha. Not quite. But when you look at the things that HAVE worked out and wonder why... know that God doesn't love me any more than He loves you. 

Good is coming.

Believe it and look for it.

Don't be scared. Just jump in.

Something amazing is about to happen. 

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesian 2:10

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory!

Ephesians 3:20

Designed to create

You won't see many blog posts out there on exhaustion from a first person perspective. Why? Because exhaustion sucks the creativity right out of the person who is dealing with it. It sucks the energy out of us too.

I haven't written because that's where I was. I'm out of it now and can write again. So, what happened? Was I doing more? Was I not taking care of myself? Was I just lazy?

I've learned a lot about myself in the last couple months and it has been an adventure. Looking back, I realized that it wasn't just the amount of stuff I was doing that caused the exhaustion. It was the type of stuff I was doing.

My business was good, but stagnant. The volunteer work I once loved had turned from creating light shows and scenes that set the tone of a church service to scheduling people and being in charge of processes. Lots of stuff like that. Boring.

I hired a business coach to try to figure out why I was burnt out and to get help. Actually, it was our first meeting, before I even hired her, that she showed me that I was designed to create... not manage. I suddenly felt free to explore other ideas for the first time ever... because I was doing what God designed me to do.

I had been going to live music shows and posting about them so other people could find them too... but I had been viewing it as a hobby I probably shouldn't take seriously. When I realized that I had confined myself to the boredom and burnout I had been dealing with, I decided to pursue something new... something that breathed new life into me.

Suddenly, it was a business. In 6 weeks I had over 500 followers (growing every day) and local bands and venues are working with me to get their shows promoted. Three months ago I was still too scared to walk into a music venue or a bar by myself. In fact, it was just about 3 months ago that some friends were late for karaoke and I sat in the car for 20 minutes until I was sure they were inside before even getting out of my car.

Two weekends ago I saw seven bands in seven venues in two nights, but kept to myself... not letting anyone know who I am. This weekend I saw 6 different bands and walked up and introduced myself between sets. People who know me, look at me and are amazed at the differences they see.

I've never lived outside of my comfort zone so consistently or so deliberately before. 

Some may see that and think, but what does that have to do with grace? Isn't this a blog about how God's grace changed your life? 

Yes, yes it is. 

And because I'm no longer living in fear of making the wrong choice or making God angry... I know who I am, who He created me to be. The world can put all the expectations on me they want. It doesn't bother me. I can focus on the thing He created me to do. CREATE. 

I've never felt more like I was made in His image than at this moment in my life.

Grace did that for me.

God created mankind in his own image. 

Gen 1:27

By grace you have been saved through faith.

Ephesian 2:8

I will put my laws into their minds, and write them on their hearts, 

and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

Hebrews 8:10b

More than enough

Last week I laughingly told a couple of friends about a thought that had come to me, "I am the main character in every cheesy movie about a 55-year-old-plus divorcee or widow who went out to find herself...."

I've gained a deeper understanding of my faith. Dated a couple of wildly opposite guys. Figured out I can be happy and single at the same time. Changed my hair. Lost some weight. Started working out again. Traveled. Went paragliding. Found a love of live music. Started a really fun new hobby. And I even went to a paint night regardless of the fact that I can't draw a straight line with a ruler. The change has been gradual, and isn't finished... but I'm so much more confident in myself than I've ever been.

I laughed when I shared it,"All that is left is for me to accept being single for the rest of my life and find a retirement home that will let me move in and paint sunflowers all day."

It was mostly a joke. I wasn't retiring or painting or giving up on what I want for my future. I just thought it was funny. Mostly. But not completely. I didn't exactly like identifying with women 20+ years my age... even if they were just movie characters.

It's funny how one comment can change your mindset. One friend surprised me by saying, "Well, you're way ahead. I was much older before I had that kind of confidence."

Wait. What?

My perspective of my "main character" status changed instantly. I'm not old before my time. I've been blessed with wisdom and confidence that many woman struggle to receive. I'm not ready to retire. I'm ready to live.

I went to an amazing conference this weekend with 24,000 women from around the world. If I had gone last year, I would have sat in my seat and waited patiently for sessions to begin. I probably wouldn't have wandered around offering to take group pictures of women with their cell phones. I definitely wouldn't have had the nerve to take selfies with their phones in the process! (I hope finding those pictures of me made them laugh!)

In previous years I would have enjoyed praise and worship with Chris Tomlin, Michael W. Smith, and Cece Winans from my seat. This year I joined the pre-session dance party on Friday and then decided to join the women who were praising from right in front of the stage. It was a completely different worship experience. And guess what else... nobody thought I didn't belong up there with them.

A few months ago I was afraid to go to a bar alone, even to meet friends for karaoke or see a band. I couldn't bring myself walk up to order at a crowded bar, knowing people would know I didn't belong there. The anxiety I felt over these things was ridiculous.

I've gone to different places to see live bands several times now, and nobody has ever even given me a sideways look... much less questioned my right to be there. I've quickly come to realize that the thing that was most holding me back... was me.

All of those times I was afraid to step out because of what someone might think, I was telling myself that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't smart enough, cool enough, funny enough, pretty enough, didn't have enough rhythm... didn't have whatever it was that I thought others had. I wasn't enough.

Here's what I've had to ask myself: Who am I to think I'm not enough, when Someone already told me I am? God knows what I can do... so why should anyone else's opinion matter?

How about you? What situations do you find yourself in that you slowly back away from because you know you aren't enough to be there? Where do you not bother to give your input? How often do you see someone doing something and think, "That looks fun. I wish I could do that!"

Who are you to think you are not enough, when God already told you that you are?  

In Jeremiah 1:5, God told Jeremiah, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."

God's words to Jeremiah tell us that God knew we were enough before we were even born. The things we perceive about ourselves have nothing to do with our ability to carry out the plans God has for us. Keep reading Jeremiah and apply what God tells him to your life. You'll see that even when you don't have confidence in you, God does.

God created you to do those good things you are afraid to do, but He won't make you do them. It's the enemy that feeds you the lies that make you shrink back and give up those things you were destined to do. Talk to that stranger. Write that book. Sing that song. Start that company. Volunteer for that position. Hug that person who looks sad. Speak up for that person who needs someone to have their back. Take some time to take care of yourself.

You'll still end up in Heaven if you don't ever learn this... but you'll enjoy your time on Earth a heck of a lot more if you do.

You are more than enough. 

You are awesome. 

You were created for this!  

I can do it myself

The kind of pride that says, "I can do it myself." often makes life more difficult. But, when the "it" in question is something that only God can do, the results can be devastating... not only to the person trying to take over, but those around them as well.

The story of Moses has been my favorite since I was a toddler. When I was four I saved my banana peel from lunch and glued it to my coloring paper where the water and the reeds had already been drawn. I was devastated when my mom threw it away. 

I remember, nearly a decade later, hearing about people using clear shellac to make fruits and veggies last for decorative purposes and thinking to myself, “That's what Mom should have done with my banana peel baby Moses boat. Darn her!" I was still mad. (I'm mostly over it now, just in case you were wondering.)

Anyway, we know that Moses was born and adopted into the house of Pharaoh. He grew up knowing that he was Hebrew, basically raised by his own birth family. At some point while growing up, Moses became aware that he was their promised deliverer. Knowing that, he no doubt knew that God had set out a specific time frame for the delivering of His people. In Genesis 15:13, God told Abraham that his descendants would be delivered in 400 years.

Yet, when Moses came upon a Hebrew being mistreated by an Egyptian, Moses killed the Egyptian. According to Acts 7:23 he did it in the hopes of being recognized as their deliverer.

Why? Because He believed it was time to to start the process. He was their deliverer, right? They may not know it yet, but they would see it when they realized what happened. He expected to be able to do what He wanted, when He wanted, in his own strength and have his people fall at his feet, thankful.

It was the next day when Moses realized that things had not gone as he had planned... and he hightailed it out of town. Exodus 12:40 says that it was exactly 430 years before they were delivered. That is including Moses's 40 years in the desert. His own pride cost the Hebrews an additional 30 years of slavery.

I personally know that God did not want me to be homeless. It was never His plan and neither were any of the things that led up to our homelessness. But, I knew His promises. I knew that He wanted to provide for the kids and I. I knew that He didn't want me to be single the rest of my life. I knew that God promised to give me the desires of my heart... so I set out after them, in my own strength. I thought I should have been able to do what I wanted, when I wanted, and God's promises would back me up.

By the time I realized that things weren't going to go exactly as planned for me, I was stuck. It took

surrendering to Him to get me out of where I was. If I had not humbled myself and surrendered to God, He wouldn't have been able to build my business underneath me without me trying to take the reins and continue to do things myself. A quick look at the past has proven that doing this never works out well. My pride cost my kids years of putting up with men who were not good for us and six months of homelessness, among other things.

In both of these cases, the "I can do it myself" pride cost people big. Moses and I both thought we knew what God wanted for us and decided to help move His plans along.

As tired as I've become over the years of hearing the words, "It's all in God's timing." I do see that there are some things that can't be rushed. 

I've learned that the secret to living a fulfilling life when you don't yet have all you want is to enjoy the journey on your way there instead of speeding ahead towards your destination. God will fulfill His promises for you. If you watch carefully, you'll find out that watching HOW He does so is more exciting than receiving the actual thing you are waiting for.

The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.

Exodus 14:14

Only by pride comes contention, with the well advised there is wisdom.

Proverbs 13:10

What's your plan?

"Write down what your dreams, goals, and plans were for the last year."

I looked at the workbook page and thought for a minute before I started writing.

Dreams: To take my kids on a real vacation before Alexandra graduated, and to be in a solid, healthy relationship.

Goals: Weight loss, finishing my book proposal, growing my platform, buying a house, financial stability.

Plans: Survival.

I stared at the paper. 
Wait, did I just write that? 
I did. Wow.

When I talk to people about interviewing employees, I often share one of my favorite questions with them. "What's your dream? What do you really want to do?" I've said time and again that the employees who have a dream and a plan to attain that dream are usually my most successful employees. They know what they are working towards!

And yet, for some reason, despite some great goals and dreams, I only planned for survival.

One of my favorite Bible passages is Ephesians 3:20-21:

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

I KNOW God wants to do great things for me. I KNOW that His plans far exceed mine. I KNOW He is not only able, but He is willing... And I still planned for the bare minimum... survival.

This past year, I often asked God for help and believed He would come through for me. On several occasions He did, probably more than I realize. But looking at these verses and thinking about what I actually planned for leave me wondering if God didn't hope to bless me more, but I had planned Him out of it. 

Psalms 20:4 says:

May he give you the desire of your heart

and make all your plans succeed.

I do believe God gave me many of the desires of my heart this year in addition to making my plans succeed... but what if my plans had been bigger? What if instead of survival I had PLANNED on being blessed and amazed by Him? 

As I continue to work through this program on setting and achieving my goals for the next year, I am more and more excited about what is to come. I am planning on some huge breakthroughs this year and I can't wait to see how God makes those plans succeed.

How about you? What's your plan? What are you asking God to help you with as we move into the Christmas season and new year? 

Whatever it is, are you PLANNING on Him coming through for you? Or, like I have so many times, are you working on your plan for what you'll do if He doesn't?

Today I'm telling God that, more than ever, I want His plans for me to match my plans for me... I want to rest in His promises of hope, joy, abundance, and success instead of planning on the bare minimum. 

Care to join me?

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

I came that [YOU] may have life and have it abundantly.

John 10:10

The program I am going through is Michael Hyatt's Best Year Ever. It is only available for a limited time every year, but you can check it out here:
http://bestyearever.me/register/

Just ask

Before we were officially dating, my boyfriend commented that he worried about whether or not he would be able to be the provider he thought I needed. I didn't even have to think about my response to him. "If you are worried about that, you've found the right girl. I don't depend on any man for my support. I've got God for that."

While I hadn't really thought about it before that moment, as soon as I said it, I knew it was the truth.

Often I need money. I am a single mom and a business owner. There are always expenses. Right now I have a child about to start college, I'm trying to gather a down payment for a house, and I need new $800 tires. Am I worried? No. God always provides. Always.

But Kindall, weren't you homeless once? Where was His provision there?

I was. I don't believe that it was God's will for us to be homeless. I believe that God let me do what I wanted and deal with the earthly consequences until I gave up and let Him take over. God can and will get us through, but it takes something on our part, faith.

Before that time, I was fighting for myself. I would say I had faith that God would get us through and then devise a plan to get money to pay whatever bill needed covered. He often came through in unexpected ways, but I believe that if I had listened to His plan from the beginning, things would have worked out much differently, with a lot less suffering.

Because I focused on my problems instead of on Him, I could only think about ways I could possibly fix it instead of letting Him shine through the situation.

Exodus 14:14 says, "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." In my case, I had to wear myself out fighting before I was still enough to let Him take over.

I recently spoke with someone about what they needed to change in their church to bring in and keep those people who tithe, which is what he believed was needed to bring in the money their church needed to expand. I told him,"I understand what you are saying, but you are talking about what you need to do 'in the natural'... God doesn't need to work that way." He kept comparing his church to other churches in the area. I don't think he understood what I was trying to say.

This is what I know. If we want God to move, we can't tell Him how to do it. We have to have faith that He will and get out of the way.

I can't say that I know his church well, but maybe God isn't planning on giving them money to fix this or that. Maybe He isn't even planning on bringing in "those people." What if God wants to prosper the small businesses within that church so the current members have more to tithe? There are countless other options as well.

Having faith that God will prosper you, doesn't mean you copy what others who are prospering do. It means you trust Him to make His will clear and you trust Him to show you His path, even if all you can see is one step at a time.

Having faith and making plans usually don't go together. I've learned the hard way that when you make plans to prosper yourself, you get in the way of God's plans to make sure you prosper.

I love the parable of the Prodigal Son in the Bible. We have all been that son before. We know what it is like to walk the wrong path for awhile and have to humble ourselves to ask for help.

Often though, we are the other brother... we stay and work and are faithful to our Father. In the parable, he complains to his father that so much attention and expense are being lavished on the brother who came back...

And [his father] said to him, ‘

Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours...' 

~Luke 15:31 ESV

God says the same to us, you know. All that He has is ours... we just have ask Him for it.

And my God shall supply every need of yours 

according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 4:19 ASV

And since we are his children, we are his heirs. 

In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory.

~Romans 8:17a NLT

Thank You, Lord, for your acceptance of us as heirs with Christ. We know that You consider all that You have to be ours and that You will provide according to Your riches. Thank You for extending grace when we get in Your way, and gently nudging us when we stray from the path You have planned for us. I don't know the needs of the people agreeing with me in this prayer right now, but I have faith that You are reminding someone right now that You've got this and You have already dispatched provision for them, even if they don't see it yet. 

You are a good, good, Father and we are so thankful.

In Jesus name we pray. Amen.

My heart's desire

11,442.

That's the seating capacity for the Peoria Civic Center.

We were waiting to get in, more than half way back, in a line that stretched around the entire block twice. And while we had a two hour wait before the doors opened, there were others who picked their spots earlier in the day who were in line many more hours than that.

Still, Crowder, For King and Country, Matthew West, and many more (for just $10) were totally worth the wait... if we could actually get in.

It was a huge relief when we made it through the doors. Whew!

The first act started and we found our seats shortly before it was announced that if you were saving a seat for someone still outside, they probably weren't going to get into the building.

They were almost completely full. 11,442 people.

The first artist was someone I had never heard of before. Unfortunately, in an arena like this, if you don't already know the lyrics to a song, especially a rap song, you are going to have a hard time following what is being said. He made a show of it and it was entertaining, but I have to admit I felt a little indifferent.

Then, when he stopped and told the crowd how important it was to know who they are created to be, and about how Jesus pulled him through when he lost his 1-year-old son and quoted Joseph Prince about fighting from victory instead of fighting for it, my heart pounded and tears sprang to my eyes. This guy that I'd never heard of, whose lyrics I couldn't understand or connect with, was saying exactly what someone there to see him needed to hear.

My indifference dissipated immediately. It was like I could suddenly feel the Holy Spirit moving for someone through what he said. I felt this incredible joy... and something else. A desire to be a part of that. I've felt it before and often shrugged it off, but it never goes away.

It whirled within me and came back several times that night. I wanted to be on that stage. Not for a paycheck, not so people will know my name, not for any other reason except to tell as many people as possible what God wants them to know... what He's done for me and what He wants to do for them.

The desire to stand in front of thousands of people and tell them who and what grace really is, makes no sense to me in some ways. I'm not even a great speaker! In my flesh, the thought of getting on that stage and speaking to people makes me tremble... but in my spirit, I can't help but grow excited about telling people what so many aren't hearing in their churches on Sunday mornings, the same things I wasn't hearing... the things that changed my view of God and life.

I don't know exactly what God's plans for me are, but there is a clear desire there.

Maybe the stage is a metaphor.
Maybe writing is my stage.
Maybe my business is my stage.
Maybe my blog is my stage.

Right now, Facebook is my main stage... even though my reach is much less than 11,442. It continues to grow and I can't be anything but excited about that.

I used to believe that the promise that God would give me the desires of my heart if I delighted in Him meant that if I did enough good stuff, God would give me whatever I wanted. Now I have a clearer understanding of that scripture.

When I delight myself in the Lord, He will put the desires He has for me in my heart. I will want what He wants... and sometimes I'll know because I'll think on those desires and say, "Why in a million years would I ever? I can't actually want to do that... yet I do!"

Maybe the stage is a symbol, but maybe it isn't.

Considering my life at this moment and the fact that four years ago today I was a hopeless, jobless, homeless wreck trying to keep up a positive facade. I don't have any doubt that there could be a non-metaphorical stage someday... and sooner than I can imagine.

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

~Psalm 37:4

Personalized blessings

It is nearly impossible these days to consider God as the impersonal God I thought I knew years ago. I can't really think of Him as anything but my Heavenly Father, Who wants only good for me and loves me enough to be in every detail of my life.

I can't tell you how many times during our vacation that I tried to put into words the gratitude I have for everything Jesus has done for us, only to have that gratitude come out as tears.

If someone told me that seeing my daughters meet Disney princesses in person would tear me up, I might have believed them. But tears also came in response to the squeals of delight I heard from the kids during the Indiana Jones ride and on Hyper-Space Mountain as well. (To be fair, that one might also have been the Star Wars fan in me coming out a bit.)

While my business continues to strengthen, I never imagined it would be possible to put together an entire vacation for us without going deeply into debt. But going away with all of the kids before my oldest leaves for college was weighing heavily on my heart, and God knew exactly what we needed. He provided and continued to provide while we were there.

We got a bargain on plane tickets and our hotel room as well. When reaching out for what I hoped would be a small discount on our Disney tickets, a friend stepped in and helped all five of us get into the park for the cost of about one ticket. My mom paid for our tickets for the activity that brought us to my very favorite, most heart-stopping moment of the trip. Over and again we were blessed beyond measure.

Here are just a few of my favorite moments from the last week...

Hanging out with my brother while watching my kids play in the ocean, 

at my favorite beach, during a California sunset. 

Seeing my oldest appear on-air with James Corden. 

Putting together care-packages for the homeless with the kids in our hotel room and seeing their faces light up when they saw someone in need because they were excited to be a blessing. 

Walking to the beach before sunrise, all on my own, just to treasure 

the awesomeness of God's creation and what He has done for us. 

Dolphins. So many Dolphins. 

While our vacation didn't go as perfectly as I had planned, it was full of amazingly perfect moments that I can't wait to write about. Not because I want to brag about our awesome vacation, but because each of those moments was God reminding me that He cares for us on an individual level.

He chose those moments for us because He loves us. Not because of anything we do, but because of our faith in Him. (John 6:29)

When you truly understand how much God loves you on a personal level, you can't help but see Him everywhere. When you know what He thinks when He thinks about you, and that all those thoughts are good, you start to believe that He does want good things for you and your life, not just in Heaven... but here and now.

Psalm 107 talks about how it doesn't matter who or where you are, He sees you...

Some gathered in the desert wastes. (Verse 4) 

Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death. (Verse 10)

Some were fools. (Verse 17)

Some went down to the sea in ships. (Verse 23)

But what does it say about all of these people?

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress. 

(Verses 6, 13, 19 & 28) 

If you read the whole chapter, you'll see that God not only delivered them from their distresses, but He did it in a way that was individual to their needs.

God loves each and every one of us and wants to not only deliver us from our distress, but to bless us individually. If we look around, with open eyes and an open heart, we can't help but see what He is doing everywhere...

A spark of enthusiasm

I know you've heard the verse before. Some of you even have it committed to memory.

Take delight in the LORD, 

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

~Psalm 37:4

I spent years holding onto that verse, expecting God to give me what my heart wanted. I would pray faithfully, for a while, because I somehow had the idea that if I asked enough times, God would give in. Then, when begging through prayer didn't work, I'd try something that pretty much amounted to bribery.

"Do You see how good I'm being God? I'm following all Your rules. 

If You want it to continue, then just give me what I want."

To me, "take delight in the Lord" meant "follow all the rules." And "He will give me the desires of my heart" amounted to Him handing over whatever I wanted at any given moment. And I was often angry that it didn't work out the way I planned.

I was reading a passage in Haggai today about the rebuilding of the Lord's Temple by the Israelites. When they discussed rebuilding the temple among themselves, they decided that it really wasn't the right time. They just weren't feelin' it. It wasn't a desire of their heart.

God sent a messenger to tell them to get on it. "Is anyone going to ask Me if it's time? You are spending so much time doing what you think you want, you aren't listening to Me. Start building!" and they did.

The Bible says they did it because they were afraid of God. Their fear was understandable. They still lived under the old covenant. Unlike us, they were still being rated on performance. But what interested me most about this story is in the 14th verse of chapter one.

"So the lord sparked the enthusiasm of Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel, governor of Judah, and the enthusiasm of Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest, and the enthusiasm of the whole remnant of God’s people. They began to work on the house of their God, the lord of Heaven’s Armies,"

They changed their minds to agree with God... and were they miserable about it? Did they drag their feet and have to force themselves to get up every day to do His will? No! It says He "sparked the enthusiasm" not just of the leaders, but of the group of people involved.

You can tell from the beginning of the passage that the Israelites didn't want to rebuild the temple. They weren't praying daily for God to please let the right time come soon. But when they heard God's voice and agreed with Him, He gave them a desire in their heart to do His will.

My favorite view of Praise and Worship
is from the sound booth.

I am in charge of the A/V department at church. I find, train, and schedule volunteers, design lighting scenes, record and edit services for online viewing, and often run the presentations from the sound booth during services, among other things. It is a time consuming and often frustrating position to be in. 

Considering all the other things going on in my life, all the reasons I have to say, "Sorry, I don't have time." why do I do it? Because I love it.

God put a desire in my heart to help my church share His Word this way.
He sparked my enthusiasm for this area of ministry.

I truly believe, and I did long before I ever read that passage, that God wants us to enjoy what we do in life. God did not create us to be miserable. If you aren't enthusiastic about your job or your area of ministry, or maybe even your family situation... you have to ask yourself two things. 

Am I delighting myself in the Lord?

What desires is God putting in my heart?

Maybe He wants to put a desire within you to change your family dynamics. 

Maybe He wanted you to take that job you were excited about, but seemed like too big of a risk. 

Maybe that thing you used to love doing that now feels like an exhausting chore, is a thing He wants you to let go of to make room for something more fulfilling.

Maybe, that area of ministry that you want to be a part of, but you just "don't have time for" will bring you more joy than you can imagine right now. 

Ask Him, and remember that God wants better for us than we can ever even dream of wanting for ourselves.

Glory belongs to God, whose power is at work in us. 

By this power he can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine. 

~Ephesians 3:20 (GWT)

You make known to me the path of life;

in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

~Psalm 16:11 (ESV)

Take delight in the LORD, 

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

~Psalm 37:4 (NLT)

Don't talk about my child that way...

Last night...

I drop my oldest daughter off at work and head back towards home.

I'm about halfway there when she calls me, upset.

Me: Hello?

Her: I am the worst.

Me: What?

Her: I wore the wrong shoes and they won't let me work without the right ones.

She then launches into a defensive, yet self deprecating monologue about how they've let her before and it isn't fair and how she is dumb and terrible and etc etc.

Me: Just stop.

Her: I need my shoes.

Me: Okay. 

(Momentary silence)

She starts back up again... never once actually asking me to get her shoes for her.

Me: Stop. Repeat after me. Mom, I need my work shoes. Could you go in the house and get them from ______________ and bring them to me at work, please?
Her: I don't know where they are. I looked for them earlier but... 

Me: (Interrupting) Then try this: Mom, I need my work shoes. Could you go in the house find my shoes and bring them to me at work, please?

She complies. Finally.

It takes awhile to find her shoes, but once I do, I send her a text and jump into the car to make the 7 minute trip back to her work. She's waiting outside when I pull up and opens the door, reaching in to grab the shoes.

Her: (With a pained expression on her face) I'm terrible... I...

Me: Stop! Just say thank you.
Her: Thank you! I love you!

Me: I love you too. Bye!

As emotional teenager moments go, this was relatively mild. But driving away I thought how frustrating it was that she was so busy apologizing for her mistake and tearing herself down that she didn't ask for help or say thank you until she was reminded. 

I am human, and I get frustrated sometimes. I also will not pull her out of every situation she gets herself into. But she didn't even ask for help until I told her to because she was so focused on her mistake instead of the fact that I am her mom and I love her.

And all the tearing herself down, saying things about herself that aren't true... doesn't she know who she is to me? She's my child. Regardless of the mistakes she makes, I think she's pretty fantastic. Nobody should feel free to talk about my child that way... not even my child.

I remember when I used to go to God that way for help. 

I'd start off by telling Him how awful and stupid I was. I'd tell Him I was sorry for my mistake or bad choice, but then I'd complain about the consequences and throw in a little about how it wasn't all my fault, just in case it might make Him a little less angry. I was so focused on myself, I couldn't see that He wasn't angry at all.

I think about how it felt to hear my beautiful, smart, talented, highly favored and dearly loved daughter tear herself to bits with her words over a pair of forgotten shoes, and realize how it must have sounded to God when His beautiful, smart, talented, highly favored and dearly loved daughter tore herself to pieces with her words over her own human mistakes in the same way. 

Understanding who we are to anyone, what they think of us, what their expectations of us are, changes the way we interact with them on all levels. It decides whether we approach someone with confidence or trepidation. It determines how we interpret and react to their actions as well. It is so important to communicate to others who they are to us.

God knows that. That's why He provided us with written proof of who we are to Him. It's all in the Bible. 

Below is one of many verses that tells us what God thinks of us...

CLICK HERE to see more verses about who you are in Christ.

For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a mighty savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

~Zephaniah 3:17

As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.

~Proverbs 23:7

The bad guy

As my testimony has been shared through various outlets over the last couple of years, a few characters in the story of my life have let me know how much they don't appreciate it. 

Sometimes, the upset comes from feeling like they have been portrayed badly in the story. But occasionally it was because they weren't mentioned at all. Afraid of what someone might think if they step back and look at the big picture, I'm sure they imagine others thinking or saying: "Isn't that Kindall's so-and-so? Why weren't they mentioned? Where were they? Did they just let all of this happen to her and the kids?"

Let me start by answering that last part. Nobody just let anything happen to us. Our circumstances were a result of my bad choices and my pride. Other people's choices affected me, but I made the final decisions on the direction our lives went. 

In response to these characters, it would be easy for me to share one of my favorite quotes and leave it at that...

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. 

If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

~Anne Lamott (Bird By Bird)

But, as I think about all of this again in the light of grace, I realize that it is important to me that people understand that I don't write to make anyone look bad. My story doesn't need a bad guy. It already has one... and he was way worse than any mere human who made hurtful choices.

Actually, whether you write it out or not, the same is true for your story.

The only "bad guy" in your story is Satan. Everyone else is just human. When you realize that, the amount of grace you are able to extend to others (and yourself) increases exponentially.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. Not just the forgiveness we have through Jesus, but also the forgiveness we share with others. As I write my story, some awful things that some people did will inevitably be included... but I hope to be able to convey that I no longer associate anger or pain with those people. 

I could continue to wallow in the hurt and pain. I could continue to be in victim mode indefinitely. I could spend my hours writing about the ways others tried to steal, kill and destroy. I could let it eat away at me. 

I could, but I won't. I choose to have life, and to have it abundantly.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. 

I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

~John 10:10

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander 

be put away from you, along with all malice. 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

~Ephesians 4:31-32

A better promise

More than two and a half years ago, I started this blog as a way to work through my issues and hold myself accountable for all the promises I was making to God as I tried to pull my life back together.

Promise after promise is what I would make, and ultimately fail to keep, over and over. I thought the blog would help me with that, make me accountable and help me stop the seemingly unending cycle of "Promise, fail, confess, repent, promise, fail, and so on..."

Look at those phrases that I underlined. I was working so hard... and still failing... because I didn't understand how to let Him handle it. I kept trying to do it in my own strength.

On some level, I really thought that
this is what God does! 

Not only that, but I was doing it all to please Him, to appease Him, because I knew it was "the right thing." He had been blessing me, and while those blessings were completely unearned, I continued to try to earn them... or at least do what I could to make sure He didn't take them back! My lack of understanding was holding me back more than anything else. 

As I spend more time with Him, immersing myself in the Gospel of Grace, I can't help but see how much I was missing the mark in my promises, because I was focusing on my part of the struggle. Thankfully, over the last several months, that has changed for me. I am learning that He IS the good, gracious, loving God I had always wanted to serve. I am learning how to rest in Him. I am learning to let go.

I don't always get it right. I can't promise you won't pull this up and see a particularly human blog post about "poor me" any time soon, but you can be sure that if you do, it's not because my trust in Jesus or God's grace has wavered at all... only my focus.

I'm very happy to say that, looking back over the last couple of years, there is a difference in this blog...especially the last several months. I'm excited to keep writing and see how it changes more as my relationship with Him continues to grow.

Promise after promise from one of the most fallible people I know (me)... that was often hard to write about. Whether it was all completely necessary or not, God has used it all for good, and I am grateful!

Promise after promise from a God of grace... that is something I look forward to writing more about.

If God’s promise is only for those who obey the law, 

then faith is not necessary and the promise is pointless.

~Romans 4:14

He made heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them. 

He keeps every promise forever.

~Psalms 146:6

God also bound himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise 

could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind.

~Hebrews 6:17

And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. 

You are his heirs, and God’s promise to Abraham belongs to you.

~Galatians 3:29

Out with the old... 

In with the new...

Not about the chains

Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening. Suddenly, there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off!

Acts 16:25-26

It was dark in the jail cell. So dark, in fact, that the guard had to call for a light to check on the prisoners. The darkness couldn't hide the filth of the jail. The smell was rank. Being underground made it easy for waste and rodents to accumulate. Even the guards didn't want to be there. Only the poorest, lowest-ranking guards were assigned to this place.

One can barely imagine, these days, what a place like that really must be like, much less how anyone who ended up there through no fault of their own could stand it for even a short time. Paul and Silas were there after being unjustly beaten and chained into the stocks. In fact, the punishment was so undeserved that the Roman government tried to let them go quietly the next day. They refused to leave that way and were actually apologized to by the officials, who then asked them again to leave the city.

What happened the night they were in jail, specifically in those two verses, says a lot about the way we should handle our own negative situations, the chains that are binding us.

Focus on Jesus

First, note that Paul and Silas were UNJUSTLY imprisoned. Yet, did they continuously call for the guards or the government officials? Did they complain about their imprisonment while locked in the stocks? Did they tell their story over and over, hoping for some cell-mates or the guard to be on their side? There is no note or mention of Paul and Silas complaining about anything. What does it say they DID do? 

"Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God..." 

They didn't focus on what was holding them down. They already had faith that He would work things out for the good of those who loved Him. So, what was left to do? Rest in His presence with prayer and praise, beginning early and continuing until the earth quaked at midnight.

Keep Singing

How long were Silas and Paul singing before the chains fell off?

"Around midnight..."

What are the chances that this pair had just started their singing when the earth began to quake? If you've spent the day in a dark, filthy prison, does midnight seem like the time of day you'd feel like striking up a song? 

When surrounded by negativity, it is easy to feel despair yourself. As night fell and hopelessness set in for many of the prisoners, Paul and Silas knew that to keep hopelessness from setting in for themselves as well, they had to fight the best way they knew how: Prayer and praise. 

What would have happened if there had been no change to the situation? If their imprisonment had gone on for days or weeks, would they have stopped praying and singing? While they spent this one night in prison, Paul actually spent a total of about 6 years of his ministry in prison. He wrote between eight and thirteen books of the New Testament, depending on who you ask, many of them from prison. I don't doubt they would have continued to sing, even if their miracle hadn't come that night.

Who is watching you?

There were others in the jail with Paul and Silas. While some of them may have been imprisoned unjustly as well, there were likely thieves, murders, and outlaws of all kinds mixed in. Yet, Paul and Silas didn't spend their time preaching to the other prisoners. They didn't order them to repent or to confess anything. They didn't tell them, "Pray with us and be saved!" They knew that nothing they said would make an impact for the other prisoners. The other prisoners merely listened as Paul and Silas dealt with their own burdens in praise and prayer... and what happened?

"the chains of every prisoner fell off"

When you focus on Jesus instead of your struggles, instead of the injustices dealt to you, instead of your chains... it not only impacts you. It impacts those who see it. Your praise could be the thing that breaks the chains of those around you.

But How?

How in the world could anyone go through what Paul and Silas went through... or what you are going through right now... and continue to pray and praise the Lord? 

Paul knew who he was in Christ, trusting Him fully. Paul also knew what understanding that would do for you as well.

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. 

Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 

~Ephesians 3:17

That trust grows as you turn your focus towards Jesus. Stop focusing on the chains and focus on Jesus. The more you know Him, the easier that becomes. You have to know that He wants only good for you.

He sees you sitting in the dark, feeling chained to the floor. He knows what you need and want. He knows how you feel. Know this... He will break the chains. And when He does it, you will feel them break, but you won't see it happen... because your eyes will be on Jesus.

I want to tell you

I have a half-dozen, half-finished posts in my drafts folder.
I have so many thoughts and revelations I want to share
about what God has done and what He wants for my life, and yours.

I want to tell you what He really thinks of you, who you are in Him.
I want to tell you how He gave us the power to move mountains.
I want to tell you how He brought both healing and forgiveness to all.
I want to tell you how He empowers us in Him to do ALL things.

I could wait a few more days, keep trying to write those things,
hoping that eventually I would "feel it" when I hit "Publish."
Or I could put together a post from my head, instead of my heart,
and hope that He uses it to inspire you anyway.

But instead I have to admit that I don't have the energy.
Life is overwhelming me today. Nothing is going as I planned.
Nothing is happening in my time. Fear is trying to take over.

Yet still I want to tell you all of those things...
because regardless of how I'm feeling today,
regardless of the battles I am fighting this moment,
I KNOW these things are true.

These are not just cliches to be tossed back and forth between hurting people.

These are Truth, the Truth that sets us free.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. 

Romans 8:11

I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, 
and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.

John 14:12

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; 
the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.

Isaiah 53:5

The God I wanted to serve

It's no secret that striving to be a good Christian hasn't always been easy for me. As I've struggled over the years to be the person God wants me to be, I felt like a constant disappointment.

I believed that if He really knows everything from the tiniest of my thoughts to my stupid mistakes and right on up to my outright blasphemy at times, He's never truly going to be happy with me. Sure, I believed God forgave when I asked. I never doubted my eternal salvation. I knew I was getting in, but if the Pearly Gates were a heavy stone door, I was rolling under it, Indiana Jones style. Barely making the cut-off.

And then I encountered the Gospel of Grace. As I delve into teachings that I've never encountered before, and feel the Spirit move, I am blown away by both the simplicity and the complexity of the Word. Beliefs I've gathered from various friends, pastors, and churches over the years are falling off of my weighted-down shoulders and hitting the ground in a million pieces.

This (negative thing) was God's plan. *crashed*
Everything happens for a reason.  *shattered*
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. *smashed*
When you sin, God is angry with you. *demolished*
God will punish you for your sins. *destroyed*
There are still miracles, today, but not for me. *busted*
God uses pain and sickness to keep us humble. *obliterated*
God created this horrible circumstance to build your character. *disintegrated*

Read those. Do those sound like characteristics of a loving God? Yet, a lot of those are things you will hear in churches on a typical Sunday morning. After hearing them for 35 years, you'd think it wouldn't have been so easy for me to let go of those beliefs, especially if you believe some of them yourself.

Surprisingly, while there were some concepts that took time to wrap my brain around, it wasn't difficult for me to let go of these at all. Why?

A friend of mine put it perfectly. This is the God I've always wanted to serve. The one I WISHED existed... the One who wanted me to love Him without fear.

I wanted to love a God who didn't seem wishy-washy and didn't play favorites. I wanted a God who wanted my family and me well.

I wanted a God who didn't leave me looking at the Bible saying, "I'm never gonna live up to this." I wanted to love a God who instilled confidence in me as I am, as opposed to the nervous tight-rope walking I was doing before.

It turns out the God I wanted IS the God I love and serve... I just didn't know Him as well as I thought I did. So many things I attributed to God, and accepted because I believed they were from Him, were things I should have been fighting... because it isn't God who takes away, causes pain, makes people sick.

I could write on this forever, but I'll leave you with these verses. If you question some of the things I say God isn't... read these and the list of myths above and see which ones align with God's word.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; 

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
~John 10:10

He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Satan,-As-Deceiver#sthash.4SAmH4Rp.dpuf

He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Satan,-As-Deceiver#sthash.4SAmH4Rp.dpuf

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the 

Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 

~James 1:17

God doesn’t take back the gifts he has given or forget about the people he has chosen. 

~Romans 11:29

“Just as I swore in the time of Noah
    that I would never again let a flood cover the earth,
so now I swear that I will never again be angry and punish you. 

 For the mountains may move and the hills disappear,
but even then my faithful love for you will remain.
    My covenant of blessing will never be broken,”
    says the Lord, who has mercy on you."

~Isaiah 54:9-10

What negative things about God are you believing today that are keeping you from experiencing the joy that grace brings?