Timing Matters

We have been struggling this year. There have been times that we were no more than a few wrong words from divorce. 

We both have a responsibility for that in different ways. But that's for another day, and maybe not even for the blog, ever... we'll have to see. 

Things would get better and worse, better and worse. But the highs and lows both continued to get lower and lower. I finally said, "We're going to counseling." and got us signed up. Our first session was on our 4th anniversary and I wasn't sure by the end of the 45 minutes whether or not we were on the same page with saving it.

But we started reading the book I mentioned in the last post... Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs, and by the end of the first week, things started to seem better. Still, I was nervous. But day by day things started to seem better. I could not only see him trying harder, but I could see him seeing me trying. 

Then we got the news about his job. It could have all fallen apart there. In fact, if it had happened in July or August, I'm pretty sure this would be a very different blog post. 

I have said in the past that while I do not believe God gives us negative things, I do believe that he lets us deal with the consequences of our choices... especially when we aren't asking for or looking for him to intervene. 

While I'm not thankful we were in such a negative place at all, I am thankful it got so bad that counseling was necessary. Because that's the point where we each individually said, "Hey God, we know you're there. We know you're for us. We know you've got us if we want your help... we've just kinda been doing our own thing, but we might have F'ed it up. Help!" 

The best news is, he was just waiting for us to open the door and let him in. And while I wish we had done it sooner, I am SO THANKFUL we didn't wait any longer. 

We're going to make it. There are plenty of ups and downs to come, but we're going to make it. And while I will work to be respectful about what I share without explicit permission, I can't keep our journey to myself.  

I made promise to God years ago - that if he would keep opening doors and keep making my story better, I would keep sharing it. 

I'm writing again. I'm sharing, excited to see what happens next... thankful to know that when the timing matters, God's still paying attention.

A New Journey...

I made this post on Facebook last Wednesday:

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In February '22 when we bought the office building, Mike was unhappy in his job... But he had been there a long time and there were good reasons to stay.

I told a lot of people that my goal was to grow the businesses enough to work Mike out of his job. I wanted him to be able to find something he loves doing... whether that's music or something else. I even told him, "Give me two years."

Earlier this year, Pekin Insurance restructured and Mike's position changed a bit and he started liking his job again.

I was a little disappointed because I wanted him to do what he loved... but it was stability.

Even though we were sure his job was safe for a number of reasons, including his high performance numbers and the fact that he'd been there over 15 years, Mike was let go yesterday, along with many other people.

It took a day to sink in, but the timing didn't escape me... with the severance package he was offered, it will carry us through until mid-February, 2 years exactly since I made that "Give me two years." statement.

We're hanging out this morning, running an errand for Harmonize Peoria and talking... and it's so encouraging that now that it has sunk in, we're both more excited than anything.

We don't know what God's plan is, be we are both pretty sure it's going to be cool...

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It's been five days since he got the call and life is really good right now. It almost seems like a weight has been lifted off of him. 

There's more to share here. This part of the story isn't about being in a good place and getting this news and then still being in a good place. But I need to keep writing. A little every day. 

So I'll share some more tomorrow...

Mondays are not the problem

I don't hate Mondays. I just can't.

I love my job and the fact that God lets me make people's lives better in the variety of ways He does. I love that I can provide for my family. I love that I have a decent place to live and enough food that I can say things like, "I should exercise more or eat less."

Am I super excited about getting up at 5:30am tomorrow? No. Am I energized when considering every aspect of my upcoming work week? No.

But I am so blessed... blessed more than I could ever write here. I know who I am... and who I am doesn't hate any day that I wake up alive and have the ability to praise the Lord for everything I get to do.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me - practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." 

Philippians 4:8-9

The light at the end of the tunnel

I've watched him struggle both for and against independence.
Sometimes my heart broke for him.
Sometimes I was angry at him.
Each step was so. slow. and. deliberate.
"Just do it!" I'd think. "It's not that hard."
A couple of times I even said it out loud.
And while I never doubted he could do it,
   I often knew he wasn't ready.

Then one day this spring, after a breakthrough of mythic proportions,
he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,

Ben changed my life long before we dated.
It's exciting to walk with him as he
changes his own. I love this guy. <3

"I'm going to be okay."
"I have a future."
"I've never believed that before."
     and my heart stopped in my chest.
I still can hardly type those words without tearing up.

All those times I was frustrated to tears,
all those times I pushed him and he shut down,
all those times I tried to talk about the future
and he said he didn't know what he wanted from life...

It wasn't indecisiveness or him being wishy washy.
It certainly wasn't about us.
     He literally did not believe he had a future.
     He couldn't see it.

When you are in a tunnel with no light at the end,
     how far do you keep walking before you just stop?
Ten years? Twenty? More?

I'm so proud of how hard he fought,

even those times I didn't know if I could much longer.

I'm so proud of how he is continuing to fight,

     to be the man he knows God created him to be,

to turn that 'head knowledge' he's been acquiring for years

about exactly what Jesus thinks of him

     into the 'heart knowledge' he needs to move forward 

with hope into the abundant future we've all been promised.

While the scale isn't always as grand, everyone struggles with this on some level. There is almost always an area of our lives where we don't have a vision for the future. Maybe it's an area of your life that you don't even know exists yet.

Proverbs 29:18 says, "Where there is no vision, people perish."

The lack of vision can affect someone on a large scale, or it can affect a certain aspect of their lives. A person with no vision for personal finances, will see their finances fall apart.  A person with no vision for their business, will never see it grow. A person with no vision for their relationships with their family will see those relationships start to wither away.

The enemy works overtime to keep us from having vision, from seeing the light at the end of our tunnels. It's not that the light isn't there... he can't turn it off, he can only distract us from seeing it. And of all the the things Satan is good at, distraction is at the top of the list.

When it comes to vision for our future, there are a lot of ways to keep us distracted... pain, sickness, stress, and drama are just a few. One of his favorite ways to distract us is to try to convince us we are someone different than who God says we are.

Knowing who you are in Christ is the MOST important part of keeping Satan from distracting you, because while we may be temporarily distracted from seeing the Truth, the Truth hasn't changed.

Proverbs 23:7 says, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he."

When you start to feel hopeless, and you can't find the light, and you don't know how to fight... don't just remind yourself who God says you are... remind Satan that you know who you are... So that the God of hope can fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

What does God want me to do?

"I can do this," I said to my friend with confidence as I offered to handle her family's estate sale.

I had never done one. But really, how hard could it be? I own a business. I have some resources. I wasn't feeling God saying, "No." So I plowed in. She needed me and I was there.

I hired help and got to work. Sorting, cleaning, researching, pricing, etc... suddenly, part way through, I realized I was in over my head. In order to cover just my expenses and break even, we were going to have to have a heck of a sale. Still, I thanked God several times during the process for the experience, the chance to help out a friend, and for the confidence in knowing He would provide, regardless of the final outcome of the sale.

That "heck of a sale" I thought I needed didn't happen. We didn't sell nearly as much stuff as we expected and while the percentage I had agreed to was good. It wouldn't actually cover all of my expenses, much less any of my own time. 

Still, I had committed to the project and I chose to stand on my belief that God would provide in the end... even if this sale was not the way He did it. I also learned a lot about my own company in the process. The biggest thing I learned? We don't do estate sales. The second biggest thing I learned was that we can provide the services people need in order to ready a loved one's home for an estate sale. 

When I sat down with the head of the estate to give her the money brought in and the final numbers, she asked me a couple of questions, talked to me about some things I hadn't considered when figuring up the totals, crunched some numbers, and wrote me a check that not only covered my expenses, but much of my time as well. Then we hugged and cried because she was so grateful for my help. 

I had faith that no matter what, God would take care of me and He did. 

Commit everything you do to the LORD.
Trust him, and he will help you.

Psalm 37:5

It isn't uncommon to see Christians frozen in fear, trying to make a decision of some sort in their lives. They want what God wants for them, but they don't know what that is. So they do nothing while they wait for direction. In the mean time, life passes them by.

If God isn't providing a clear answer to your question, then ask yourself this: Is what I am considering illegal or immoral? If it isn't, commit your plans to the Lord, thank Him for His promise to prosper you, and then step out... JUST DO IT!

Commit your plans to the Lord. Ask Him for help and guidance. Ask Him to close the door if it's not one He wants you to go through, but short of that... you will not be able to experience the fullness of the life God has for you by sitting in your house praying for guidance.  

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, 

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Go on that date. Help out that friend. Make the trip. Try something new. Take a bold step. And thank God that He is going to prosper you... not necessarily in the way you hope or expect... but good things will come and you will be blessed when you commit what you do to the Lord.

God doesn't want to plan out every decision you make in your life. He wants you to use all of the gifts He has already given you and believe all the promises He has for you... and LIVE ... better yet, LIVE ABUNDANTLY!

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. 

I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

John 10:10

The bad guy

As my testimony has been shared through various outlets over the last couple of years, a few characters in the story of my life have let me know how much they don't appreciate it. 

Sometimes, the upset comes from feeling like they have been portrayed badly in the story. But occasionally it was because they weren't mentioned at all. Afraid of what someone might think if they step back and look at the big picture, I'm sure they imagine others thinking or saying: "Isn't that Kindall's so-and-so? Why weren't they mentioned? Where were they? Did they just let all of this happen to her and the kids?"

Let me start by answering that last part. Nobody just let anything happen to us. Our circumstances were a result of my bad choices and my pride. Other people's choices affected me, but I made the final decisions on the direction our lives went. 

In response to these characters, it would be easy for me to share one of my favorite quotes and leave it at that...

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. 

If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

~Anne Lamott (Bird By Bird)

But, as I think about all of this again in the light of grace, I realize that it is important to me that people understand that I don't write to make anyone look bad. My story doesn't need a bad guy. It already has one... and he was way worse than any mere human who made hurtful choices.

Actually, whether you write it out or not, the same is true for your story.

The only "bad guy" in your story is Satan. Everyone else is just human. When you realize that, the amount of grace you are able to extend to others (and yourself) increases exponentially.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. Not just the forgiveness we have through Jesus, but also the forgiveness we share with others. As I write my story, some awful things that some people did will inevitably be included... but I hope to be able to convey that I no longer associate anger or pain with those people. 

I could continue to wallow in the hurt and pain. I could continue to be in victim mode indefinitely. I could spend my hours writing about the ways others tried to steal, kill and destroy. I could let it eat away at me. 

I could, but I won't. I choose to have life, and to have it abundantly.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. 

I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

~John 10:10

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander 

be put away from you, along with all malice. 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

~Ephesians 4:31-32

What's your dream?

Have you ever had God whisper
a question into your heart that
He wants you to ask someone else?

It just happened to me.

Interviewing a possible employee,
impressed by her initiative,
her excitement,
and her research skills,
I was at a loss about
what to tell her or ask her next.

"What's your dream?"

It slipped out before I had a chance to think about it.

Almost explaining the question to myself
as I was saying the words to her,
"Nobody wants to work for me
for the rest of their lives.
What do you really want to do?
What's your dream?"

I had a hard time holding back tears,
I don't know if she noticed or not,
when she said, "I want to be a BioMedical Engineer."

From our short interview  I knew
already, a few of her labels
that would make some say, "Impossible."

Again, words of explanation
to her, but surprisingly for myself,
"I need to know what the dreams
of my employees are so that
I can support them
in whatever way possible."

Contemplating after she left,
I thought about an employee of mine
who is struggling to climb an iceburg
of which I can only see the very tip.
Yesterday I didn't know if she still had a job,
today I want to ask her, "What's your dream?"


If I'm honest, it's about more than her dream.
If I'm truthful, it's about more than helping others.

The combination of overwhelmed excitement
I am feeling is a revelation of my own
about my purpose in this place and time,
and all the possibilities He has coming.

"What's your dream?" is a stepping stone to
"Why have we been put in each other's lives?"
"What does God want from me?"
 and even, "Is this part of my purpose here and now?"

What's my dream? To change some lives,
rock some worlds, solidify some foundations.
And every time I get a glimpse
of how God might be letting me do so,
I can't help but feel overwhelmed with blessings.
and awed by His divine plans and amazing grace.

They are an iceberg of which I've only seen the tip.

 

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, 

to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
Ephesians 3:20