Goodnight, Princess

I've said to many people that every time something amazing happened on our vacation, it felt like God tapping me on the shoulder, saying, "Hey, see that? That's for you!"

Our day at Disneyland was no exception. We entered the park and headed for an area of smaller rides that wasn't busy yet. We rode the Jellyfish and another ride before heading the Ferris Wheel. We were having a blast, and our day had barely begun!


The food at our princess lunch in Ariel's Grotto was fantastic. We had wonderful service. The cast was wonderful. There were lots of pictures and hugs and smiles... and yes, a few tears from me. Every time a new princess came in, I teared up. The difference from where we were just four years ago... I just couldn't believe it was happening... meeting the princesses with my daughters.

When we got our photo taken with Ariel, she asked us what we were celebrating. "Family vacation." I told her. She replied, "Oh, spending time with family is my favorite!"

My quick thinking oldest child said to me (out of Ariel's earshot), "If spending time with family is her favorite, then why did she abandon them all for a prince?"

She loves Ariel... we all do! But I have to admit, it made me laugh out loud.

After lunch, we set off to find some more rides.

Every time the five of us stopped to look at the map in confusion, a cast member appeared and asked if we needed any help. Every time!

We managed to ride several rides that day. The squeals of delight from my children on the Indiana Jones ride actually teared me up. We rode Pirates of the Caribbean as well.

The big kids headed for a roller coaster while Lauren and I rode a smaller space shuttle ride and looked for a place to charge my phone.

Also, whoever came up with phone-charging lockers is a genius!

Left: Peter and Todd posing with Mickey and Minnie.
Right: Todd and I last spring, taken in Disney's Club 33. 

My brother, Peter, and our friend Todd (Executive Director of The Walt Disney Birthplace and our favorite Theme Park Expert) met us in the early evening for a couple rides before the parade.

The Carsland Radiator Springs Racers was definitely a family favorite. Who doesn't love Cars? We all could have spent a lot more time there if we had any left!

Then we hit Hyper-Space Mountain. Last time I rode, it was just Space Mountain. The addition of the Star Wars theme made me love it even more. I teared up a little on that ride as well, but I can't tell you if it was hearing how excited the kids were, or the Star Wars awesomeness. It was quite possibly a combination of both.

Ready to relax, we took dinner to the perfect "Light Up The Night" parade seats that Todd had reserved for us.

All of our favorite characters came down the street, lit up in an amazing display. The lights were bright and the choreography was performed perfectly. As each float proceeded past us, one kid or another would excitedly announce who was coming next. Everyone has favorite characters, but the parade was so great that our level of excitement stayed at it's peak the entire time.

When the parade was over, we turned our chairs around for a magnificent view of the castle and the light show that replaced the fireworks due to high winds.

We managed one more ride before hitting the shops. C3PO took us on a crazy adventure in Star Tours that all the kids enjoyed. Isaac later told me he loved the ride but thought it was funny they mixed characters who would have never met each other because they were from different movies. I hadn't even noticed, but these kids catch everything!

We were still in the shops when the park closed, and decided then it was time to go... not that there was really another option. Heading out of the park that night, I trailed just a few steps behind, taking it all in.

As I walked back towards the real world, I felt a little bit like Cinderella at midnight. I was exhausted, but it was a good exhaustion. I felt so blessed and thankful. My heart was full. I didn't have a glass slipper, but I did have some purple blinking mouse ears... and when I had passed by the final cast member at the gate, I heard him say, just to me, "Goodnight, Princess."

I teared up again right there. Thank you God, for yet another reminder. <3

He is so very good to us.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

~Matthew 6:26

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!

~Luke 11:13

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Interested in learning more about the restoration of The Walt Disney Birthplace?

Check out the video below and be a part of the project at

www.TheWaltDisneyBirthplace.org 

Size doesn't matter

Over and over we have heard
about the tiny mustard seed
"It only takes a little bit of faith
to move mountains," they tell us.
Bull... um, -oney.

I have had a lot of faith
that a lot of things would happen
only to see the mountains
stay in the same place, unmoved.
I have been sure that my prayer
would be answered
only to hear and see nothing.

The more I thought about it,
I began to realize
the size of your faith
really doesn't matter.
In fact, I do not believe
that God would call us to have
any kind of faith
that could be thought of as small.

Consider the mustard seed.
It grows from the tiniest of seeds
to the largest plant
in the garden.
It is a bush so big
that birds perch in it
when it is grown.
How does this happen?
Does the mustard seed
have a little bit of faith
that it will grow
to reach its full potential?
No!

The mustard seed
small as it may be
believes with its whole being
that it will become the full-grown plant
that God designed it to be.
It thinks of nothing else.
It knows of nothing else.
It concentrates on nothing but God's will for it to become exactly what He wants it to be.
Even in floods.
Even in drought.
Even when the animals come tearing through the garden.
No excuses. Just faith.

I'm not a "KJV all the way" kinda girl... but it is what I learned to read first... and while many preachers talked about the "tiny faith of the mustard seed," reading it myself made me see that not all versions refer to the seed as "small" at all.

Why are men building entire sermons on a word that they are inferring into the verse... a word that isn't even there?

Every time I get into this passage, I feel this message more deeply than before. Tonight, when I was reading it again, verse 17 struck me.

The apostles brought a boy to Jesus after unsuccesfully trying to cast demons out of him. They basically said, "We can't figure it out. You do it, Jesus." In verse 17 of this chapter Jesus says, "O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you?" He is saying... (my interpretation) "You have got to figure this out for yourselves! I am not going to be here much longer! I called you for something amazing... and you have not fully grasped it yet! ... If you could see what you are truly meant to be and work for nothing else... that kind of faith could move mountains! Nothing would be impossible."

What a promise...

If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

Matthew 17:20

God's Daughter

Being a child of God is not a new concept.
We are all children of God.
I've always known that.

Being told that I am His daughter
makes me cringe a little.
Maybe not cringe...
but it isn't a feeling
that I enjoy.
He must know I can't stand hearing it
because people keep saying it to me randomly
and it is something I don't really
remember hearing before.
I've said this other times,
but it's worth repeating...
God doesn't believe in "random."

Yesterday morning
while I was volunteering
someone came up to
another volunteer and I
and started going into detail
about what it means
to be God's daughter.
I smiled and nodded
and politely said
thank you
when he went away.

As a girl who very much
wants to believe she
doesn't have those
stereotypical
daddy issues
that so many people
talk about
this is probably a concept
I need to explore
a bit more.

But as soon as I started writing
about this
my head started to throb
just enough
to make me rethink blogging
about it today.

Gathering laundry
Going for a run
Picking up kids
Going to the laundromat

Wow... exercise and laundry? I must really be wanting to avoid this... lol

Tired

Feeling really emotional today about everything... but it is all about perspective... right?

     I'm tired of being unorganized.
I'm tired of chaos in my mind
     and my life...
 I'm tired of being single.
          I'm tired of thinking like the old me
               and then having to get that thought or image out of my mind...
               all while keeping a poker face... (I'm terrible at poker!)
I'm tired of being honest all the time... but not too tired of it to say...
     I'm tired of not having sex.
I'm tired of this disgusting apartment.
     I seriously considered renting a hotel room one night this weekend
          just so I can take a bubble bath.
               I can't rent a hotel room. It would make a mistake so much easier...
               and it makes me mad that I can't even trust myself to do that...
               but why invite temptation?
I'm tired of knowing that in some areas I am not trustworthy.
I'm tired of wondering who in the world will ever be able to accept all of this... mess.
I'm tired of feeling inept and needing little victories to get me by.

But I'm not tired of the consequences of making good decisions.
I'm not tired of having so much good going on that organization is a necessity.
I'm not tired of learning new ways to function.
I'm not tired of having a little self-respect.
I'm not tired of no longer having to hope this one will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
I'm not tired of no longer wishing that I figure out how to make that one love me.
I'm not tired of having a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in.
I'm not tired of having a working shower in my house instead of half a block away.
I'm not tired of victories... just wishing they were always bigger...
I'm not tired of Jesus. He amazes me more and more every day.
I'm not tired of knowing that I have captured His attention...
     and that in spite of His awesomeness 
          He still understands what it means to be tired and frustrated and angry
               with all of these everyday battles... and He isn't tired of loving me anyway.

Maybe Tomorrow

The God who juggles the planets
and put each star in the sky
still knows the number
of hairs on my head.

The God who breathed life
into the very first human being
knows what I'm thinking and feeling
at this very moment.

The God who planned
the biggest rescue mission
in the history of the universe
and watched His son die for me
still takes the time to remind me he is here
     every
          single
               day.

He is the very same God who knows
I'm sitting on my couch
     feeling sad
          and lonely
               and frustrated
                    and annoyed
because everything doesn't happen
when I want and where I want and how I want...
He sees me in the midst of a completely selfish moment
     and still loves me.

He isn't just putting up with me.
I'm not just sliding into Heaven
by the narrowest margin because
He is a good God who doesn't go back on His word.

He isn't looking at me thinking, "Oh crap, yeah I guess I'll take her too..."

I know that a God who has done for me all of the things He has done... and put up with everything from me that I have put Him through must love me with a deeper love than I can imagine. Sometimes I think that if I could truly wrap my brain around how much love he really has for me, doing the things I don't want to do wouldn't come so easily. If we could understand perfect love, could we ever do anything to hurt the One who has it?

But tonight I wonder if He isn't feeling a little like I do when one of mine gets sent to bed early for having a bad attitude... or doing something I've repeatedly told them not to do.

Do His shoulders sag a little with disappointment, head shaking slightly from side to side as I climb into bed?

I think I hear Him saying, "How much longer is it going to take for you to realize and accept that I do know what is best for you?... Get some sleep. You can try again tomorrow."

and the next day, and the next, and the and

He Didn't Even Entertain the Thought...

I am committed to my promise not to date unless the person I am dating can handle the commitment that I have made to putting off a sex until marriage... and taking the steps before that to keep sex from being too big of a temptation to handle... I don't take promises made to God lightly.

Still, I really miss being in a relationship. I miss holding hands. I miss late night phone calls about what things happened during the day. I miss an arm around me while we watch a movie on the couch. I miss kissing... and other stuff.

So, of course, I'm still human... I still notice good looking guys. Sometimes I see them at church, other times out in public and I wonder what his relationship with God is like (Yes, I seriously wonder that about every man I see). One may smile at me. One may catch my eye across the room. Another gives me a friendly hug when he sees me. In my mind I instantly think, "Is it him?"

If my quest is to be Christ-like, then I should be thinking about what Jesus himself did on earth and following that example. I'm sure in big ways we are all good at that... I haven't killed anyone lately... you? In the more subtle ways though, I know I am not.


When Jesus was being tempted by Satan, he had already been fasting for 40 days and nights. Satan told Jesus to turn the stones into bread if He was the Son of God.

Jesus could have said, "Yes, I am hungry. Yes, I could turn them into bread. Yes, that would satisfy my hunger at the moment, but No... I better not. It is written..." and gone on with what He was is quoted as saying in the Bible.

He doesn't though. He starts right in at "It is written..." and tells Satan where He stands and that nobody is going to trick Him because He knows the Word of the Lord. He didn't even entertain the thought of doing what He knew he shouldn't. He just went straight for the Word.

I have been fasting... for way more than 40 days too... But when I feel temptation rising? I entertain the thought. Does that guy know how good he smelled when he helped me that one day? Does this one wonder what it would be like to kiss me the way I wonder that about him? If I ever dated that guy, would we stick to my promise or would he try to convince me to forget about it... and would I?

Usually I come to the conclusion that whoever he is, he isn't interested in a woman who has four kids... and then I am sad, and lonely, and depressed, and I start to wonder if I am pretty enough or smart enough or too smart...

It's amazing how one thought leads to another like that. When I start letting my mind rest on thoughts that I shouldn't be entertaining AT ALL, I end up sad and depressed and writing in this blog.

I guess a good start would be for me to focus on the Word.

For now I am going to sleep. In my bed. All alone. Probably forever. :-/
     Oh Lord I hope that is not true... because I don't think I could take forever.
              But I also don't want to "tap out" now... when there is so much to be won and lost.

Jesus is my personal trainer

Over the last year I have lost 65lbs... and have about 40 more to go. I recently took up what I thought was going to be trail-walking... but I was listening to Judah Smith preach (his sermon with a strong, steady beat in the music behind him) through my earbuds and couldn't help myself... when he talks about joy and freedom... I just want to run! I have never been a runner!

(From a t-shirt I saw online.)

I've added some encouraging songs with a strong beat to my playlist as well and it occurred to me today as I was out on a trail that there is something special about pushing yourself to your physical limits and hearing God's word (or talking to Him) at the same time.

My atheist friend would call it "lack if oxygen" but I know there is more.

Your lack of ability to keep up emotional walls just opens up places for Jesus to work where you haven't been letting Him in...

I think back to when I used to watch that TV show "The Biggest Loser" and their personal trainers would push and push and push the contestants until they broke... until they were sobbing and breathless and suddenly talking about all the hurts in their past and why they eat and why they rage and why they are too depressed to move on a daily basis.

Physical exertion can break the walls you've built within yourself. Sometimes it picks at the mortar, making it crumble a tiny bit at a time... but at some point for me there was a "boom"... there was probably a visible physical jolt, if anyone had been around to see it...  

When I had pushed myself to the point where I wanted to stop and sit in the grass and sob about every stupid choice I had ever made, every wrong thing in my life and refuse to ever move again... I had these words in my ears...

(Hit "play" on the youtube video to hear the actual song... you can hear why it would be good to run to.)

"You are no match for sin. You are no match for temptation... The only hope for sexual purity in today's society is beauty and majesty of Jesus. when your eyes and your heart and your emotions get captured by the beauty and the majesty and the loveliness of Jesus it will cause you to resist temptation and look only to Him...

Bondage, addiction, temptation, secrecy, pain... It must bow and it falls back at the mention of His great name. I am convinced that the blood of Jesus is the most powerful agent in human history... and it can set you free... for whom Jesus sets free is free indeed!"

Jesus' love is the answer to your pain.
Just Jesus.
Jesus plus nothing is the answer..."

(Jesus is Bringing Sexy Back; Judah Smith)

Jesus is loving Barabas...

I downloaded the CD of this today... I really love it. This one really touched me...

I love how he makes a point to say that we are no match for Satan... It tells me that it isn't a failing in me that I haven't always backed away from temptation... It isn't that I am a bad person. It isn't that I am not strong enough.

The problem is that I wasn't relying on Jesus.

Now I am.


The CD is a project by City Church featuring Judah Smith
Definitely worth listening to!