The Catch

I'm a little behind in posting. I actually started writing this a couple of weeks ago. I'll get caught up soon. I have so much to share...

My sister posted this photo from her wedding, and I love it!

She is so happy and that makes me happy.

And what a memorable moment from the reception. It holds all the joy and excitement one would expect to see in the bouquet toss. It was a fantastic capture!

But, what stood out to me when I first say it was the confidence I see on my face and in my stance. There was no way I was fighting those girls for that bouquet! Haha! But also, I didn't feel the need to.

Traditionally, the woman who makes the catch of the bouquet at a wedding is believed to be the next one to walk down the aisle. The same goes for the man who catches the garter.

I've “caught” the bouquet before. The man I was dating at the time “caught” the garter. (The bride and groom gathered everyone and pretended they were going to throw them, instead turning around and handing them to us.) 

The “promise” of what was to come was exactly everything I thought I was waiting for... so my life would finally be right again.

I was a struggling single mom with four little kids. My dreams then included being married, being happy, and maybe writing a book one day. I don't know what I thought I'd write about... although, to be fair, I had a lot more time to write a book then. (Now I have plenty to write about and no time to do it!)

That relationship falling apart was the first of several traumatic incidents that led me towards my rock bottom. I blamed him for kicking off that spiral for a long time.

I was angry I had to start over after four years.

I didn't want to start over at all.

I wanted to be married so I could be happy again... and previously co-dependent me knew I would be a great wife because I would be whatever he wanted me to be. 

That's the perfect wife, right?  

Except, remember all the times here I've written about how stubborn I am?

Today I know that the stubborn part of my personality is an important part of who I am. I wonder how long I could have been someone's "perfect wife" before it started causing problems.

Honestly, today it amazes me to know how clueless I was back then. I thought so poorly of myself and expected someone else to see something different and convince me I was better. 

Oddly enough, that's exactly what happened... only it was God that saw different and convinced me I was better. 

I wanted someone to complete me.

God showed me I was already complete.

It turned out, there was no "perfect other half" out there waiting for me to complete them either. I found an imperfect whole... and we're working to mesh our lives together. We don't complete each other so much as we compliment each other.  

It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been "perfect." But thank God Mike is a whole person, and not expecting 

me to complete him. Who has time for that!?!

Don't get me wrong, if the flowers had come my way at my sister's wedding, I would have caught them with joy. But I didn't need to catch them that day... 

The hardest part about writing this post is that I desperately want this knowledge I've gained to help someone else. Unfortunately, I've been where they are and I don't know that anything would have helped me see this before I finally "got it." 

Still, I keep typing and retyping this, asking the Holy Spirit for the right words, hoping the right combinations will be a catalyst for someone's breakthrough. 

You are complete. You just have to know it. Stop walking with your head down, hoping people don't notice all your imperfections and start meeting their gaze.... daring them to find out how awesome you are. If they don't see it, move on.

You deserve to be treated well. You deserve to have your voice heard. You deserve to know that you are a whole person right now, this minute, whether you are in a romantic relationship or not.

You have been blessed with every spiritual blessing. You have the power of life and death in your tongue. You were chosen by God before creation. You are amazing. 

The catch is, you have to know it for people to see it... how do learn it if you don't already know? Ask the One who created you... 

Long before (God) laid down earth’s foundations, 

he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, 

to be made whole and holy by his love.

Ephesians 1:4 (Msg)

Six years ago this week

This is the time of year where Facebook Memories reminds me daily of how far I've come.
Six years and a couple days ago I posted about just being thankful to have any roof over my head and to wake up someplace where I wasn't afraid of what anyone in the place I was living was going to do that day.

Of course, the new place the kids and I were living was a campground and I had no idea what was in store in the coming months. It was just day one.

Things got way worse before they got any better.
At one point I lost all hope that anything would change for us... And yet, here we are. 


Some days I'll see the status updates from back then and remember what really happened that day... because I was too ashamed to admit the truth to anyone. Other days I'll just wish I hadn't re-read it because that girl was a hot mess!

If I could have seen this far into the future back then, I would have laughed and told God He had the wrong girl... and I would have been right. I barely recognize that girl when I look in the mirror these days. (That's a good thing.)

I wasn't going to post this, then my 14yo randomly said to me, "Can you imagine if someone had told us about our lives now back when we moved into the camper? We would have laughed."

Laughed. Cried. Run and hid. We would have done something!

I don't know what all of my friends are struggling through right now... but know that if I could tell you now how much better your life will be when you just have a little faith... you would probably laugh at me too.

All I can say right now is just hang on... and keep your eyes open. God has a plan, but He won't force you into it. So, when God puts opportunities in front of you... take them.

And when you look behind you, don't beat yourself up over all the things that pulled you down. Grace and mercy have followed you for a reason. Look behind you and see them there, covering everything else and be thankful.

I know some of you are thinking, "Kindall, you've done what you've done because of YOU..." And you are partly right. I hear you... and I LOVE that so many people believe in me and are proud of me.

It is true that I saw opportunities and I took them. Work needed to be done and I worked my butt off. Parts of me were broken and I went and found the help that I needed to fix them.

But I didn't have the strength to do all of that myself... not until I understood what God really thought of me, that I could be secure in my belief that He ONLY wanted good for me. That He doesn't just care about eternity, but also my life while I'm here... that He wasn't just waiting for me to make a mistake so He could make an example of me. 

Some people have told me, "You're just blessed. Whatever you touch works out." Haha. Not quite. But when you look at the things that HAVE worked out and wonder why... know that God doesn't love me any more than He loves you. 

Good is coming.

Believe it and look for it.

Don't be scared. Just jump in.

Something amazing is about to happen. 

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesian 2:10

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory!

Ephesians 3:20

On Valentine's Day

I originally wrote this last Valentine's Day, but I never published it. As I was re-reading it I realized it is still something I want to share. So, here goes.

Whether I am your sister or your sister-in-Christ I want you to know that I care about you. I've made a lot of bad choices in my life. While I can't change them, I hope that, occasionally, some of my mistakes are lessons for more than just me.  

I still don't always get it right, but thankfully I have grace to get me through. God is good... all the time. 

Know that wherever you are today, I have been there before. Broken-hearted? Perfectly content being single? Dating an abuser? Happily married? I've been there. What is different now is that I used to let my relationship status on any given day define who I was.

Nearly six years ago, a long term relationship I was in ended abruptly. Devastated, I chose self-destructive ways to deal with it... although I didn't see those ways as self-destructive at the time.

The next four years were rough. Even when I chose to show hope and happiness on the outside, inside I was a self-loathing mess. I desperately wanted someone to show me that I wasn't as easily cast aside as a few key men in my life had made it seem.

I believed I only needed one man to prove it to me. Surely in all of the men in all of the world, there was one... but one after another they let me down.

By 2015, life in general had begun to turn around. God had rescued me from my own bad choices, and I credited Him with that fully... but spiritually I was fading. I honestly believed that God didn't care if I was happy.

Then, something wonderful happened. At what I thought was just going to be a regular coaching session, God spoke to me. As I talked to my coach, and he asked me why I reacted to this one way and that another, I started to see that every decision I was making was wrapped up in my self worth... and I didn't know what that was. 

I had begged God over and over through the years to show me my worth. I had read great stories where others came to understand theirs through one perfect moment or divine appointment. I didn't know why He wouldn't tell me mine... but I had formed some ideas. They were wrong.

Two years ago, God showed me how all of those I times I begged Him to show me that I was worth something, He had been trying... But I would ask Him and then look to people for my answer. I had done again and again.

That's when I asked Him to help me break that cycle. He showed me that the people I was looking to were "just people" and my thoughts about myself should have nothing to do with how they view me.

While I know you won't understand your worth until you are ready to understand... I have to share this with you. So that you know why it is so important to me that you know who you are in God's eyes... not who you are in the eyes of another person.

Whether it is Valentine's Day, Christmas, New Years Eve, or Thursday afternoon... Please remember that there is nothing in a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates that tells you your worth. No ring on your finger or marriage license means you are worth more or less than anyone else in this world. No amount of respect or lack-thereof from someone else changes who you are.

No man or woman in your bed with an arm around you can show you how strong you are or how loved you are or how amazing you were created to be.

Only One can do that... your Creator.

Here is what God sees when He thinks of you... read it out loud to yourself. Faith is voice activated. When you say it out loud, you believe it.

Let not your heart be troubled

"I have something to tell you, but I don't want you to freak out..."

I don't know about you, but those words make my heart stop for a moment. Nobody uses those words unless they are about to say something that could, in fact, freak me out.

Jesus starts a conversation in a similar this way with His disciples...

Let not your heart be troubled...

~John 14:1a

He is about to tell them that the man they have devoted their lives to following is going to die and there is nothing they can do about it. If I was one of those disciples, I can't imagine my heart not being troubled at that moment, as well as in the moments to come. Yet that's what Jesus says. And in doing so, makes a point to say that they have a choice in how they handle what's to come. 

It's clear from the conversation that they don't quite understand. Where is He going? Why can't they go? How do they follow Him if they don't know the way? But he tells them again...

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. 

Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

~John 14:27

Jesus knew that if they looked only at what they were seeing, they wouldn't be able to help but feel discouraged, depressed, and scared. He knew that once they let those feelings set in, they would start to doubt the truths He had taught them over the years. 

Have you ever been so sad and depressed that you started wondering if God existed? Or, if He did, that He could really love you at all?

Where would we be today if the disciples had given in to those feelings? Jesus knew that they were about to watch Him be unjustly beaten, tortured, and crucified. He also knew that the whole existence of Christianity could hinge on the feelings of His disciples if they gave in to their despair at His death... so He clued them to the fact that they had a choice in how they handled their emotions.

The good news is, we do too. He even tells us how to do it. 

Believe in God; believe also in me.
~John 14:1b

Faith. He's telling them and us to believe in the truths He has taught before this. Don't believe what you see over what you already know. Believe that God has the final word on your circumstances. Believe that He sees you and knows you and wants only good for you. Believe that you have authority over the darkness that tries to overtake you. 

That's the first step. Faith.

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.

~John 14:26

He also tells them that He is sending the Holy Spirit to help them with this. The Holy Spirit will bring to remembrance the things Jesus had already taught them that were contrary to what they were feeling as well as teach them new things.

Ask the Holy Spirit to help you guide your thoughts away from your pain and fear and towards the things God wants you to focus on. More likely than not, you'll find that the things He wants you to focus on have nothing to do with your life and circumstances at all.

The Holy Spirit WILL help.

Some will read this and say, "She obviously doesn't understand anxiety or depression." Believe me, I understand all too well. I suffered from both for years. 

Officially diagnosed in 2002, I spent a lot of time on and off of anti-depressants and in and out of hopelessness. I still have bad days from time to time. But now I can look at those bad days and see where I could have chosen to make the day better. 

When I blamed others' actions or my own circumstances for my depression and anxiety, I felt helpless. This caused even more depression and anxiety. But now, each time I recognize it and accept my ability to control my feelings, I am empowered. Even when the recognition comes in hindsight, I know that I'll get another chance to let not my heart be troubled... and in doing so, will be able to show others that they can break free from this too!

This topic is so much deeper than one blog post can cover. Accepting that you have authority over your emotions is difficult... but it is important if you want to get better. Please know that even if you aren't ready to accept what I'm saying... You can be free. You can be healthy. You can be whole. It won't be easy, but starts with making a choice to find your way. 

Let not your heart be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.

~John 14:1

When I said, “My foot is slipping,”

your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.

When anxiety was great within me, 

 your consolation brought me joy.

~Psalm 94:18-19

The lie

Nothing like a post titled "Fearless" to work up the enemy, right?

Yesterday morning,
after so long without issue,
panic swept over me.
Sitting outside,
laptop on the patio picnic table,
I attempted work.
To those who saw,
or called or passed by,
I probably seemed fine,
possibly even normal.

But frustration grew
as my mind was flooded,
with so many absurdities,
distracted from my work,
brain in a codependent meltdown.

What did he mean by that?
Why didn't she talk to me?
Is she avoiding me now? Is he?
Did I say the wrong thing?
No one situation, all random.

I stopped and prayed.
I searched through, read through,
and highlighted scripture.
Took a short nap, then ran an errand.
The elephant left my chest.

Codependent meltdown?
After having been freed from
codependency and proclaiming
myself healed to all who would listen,
how could this have happened?
I wrestled with it for most
of the evening afterwards.
Was I wrong about being healed?
Had I made a mistake somewhere?
What was wrong with me?

That's when it dawned on me
what was happening.
I KNOW I am free.
I can feel the difference.
What a fun game
for the enemy to play,
to try to cause doubt to creep in.

Satan didn't win any victories
over me yesterday as I struggled
with panic and and worry.
The only way he could have
was if I had begun to doubt,
if I had accepted the lie
that he was trying to feed me.

Instead, I recognized the lie,
and am spreading the word...

Satan doesn't find his victory in
a moment of your weakness.
He finds it in your acceptance of the lie
that you will never be able to rise above it.

Don't give up!
 

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are.

~1 Peter 5:8-9

Relationships and respect

Recently I spoke at a conference for single moms. One of the mini-sessions was on "New Relationships." Here is what I shared with the single moms that day on this topic.

"Twenty years ago, my driver's ed teacher gave me the best relationship advice I've ever received. I often wish that I had listened to him sooner. “Ladies,” he said, “If a man does not have enough respect for you to drive safely when you are in the vehicle with him, he is not worth your time.”

He wasn't talking about someone who just truly is not a great driver. Nor was he talking about the man that gets that sparkle in his eye after a snowstorm and asks if you want to go to the nearest parking lot to do donuts. He was talking about the guy who is more worried about getting past that driver who cut him off than the fact that your knuckles are white as you grip the OS handle above the door, or one who thinks it is fun to speed, race, and whip around corners to scare you with his driving.

He was talking about respect.

I think we will all agree that in the search for the man God has for us, we know to rule out a few traits and behaviors. [Current] Alcoholics, addicts, abusers, liars... (those not yet recovering) these are men we want to avoid. We all know that. These are not the men I'm talking about 

Today I'm talking to you about the nice guy you've been dating or are thinking of dating. You have good moments, but sometimes you wonder if something isn't a little bit off. You catch yourself justifying things to keep the relationship together.

As single moms, loneliness is often a part of our daily lives. We love our kids, that's not a question. But, we long for the support that comes from having a significant other. What we don't realize is that keeping someone in our lives who doesn't respect us not only hurts us, but it sends the wrong messages to our children.

When you are in a situation where you are wondering where the relationship might be going, think about the word 'respect'. Is he showing you, and those around you that he respect you? There are a hundred ways someone can show a lack of respect. However, I have five questions for you that can help you get a better handle on that question.

Does he take you out ?

And I don't mean, “Do you make all the plans, go pick him up, and pay for everything?” I mean, does he plan dates, ever? Does he pay at least half the time? Does he pick you up? Does he ever offer to pay for a sitter so that you can go out?

Sitting at home on the couch and watching a movie is nice, but it is NOT a date. 

Coming over to do his laundry while you cook him dinner is NOT a date. 

Sleeping over is NOT a date.

Sex is NOT a date.

Does he keep his word?

Being a single mother means we have suffered through a lot of disappointment in our lives. It dampens our ability to trust others and what they say, especially men. If you are in a serious relationship, and you are not beginning to believe him when he says something, there is a problem. 

1. Either you have serious trust issues that are going to make it hard to keep any healthy relationship. Or 
2. He keeps his word so infrequently that you are unable to build any trust in him.

You deserve a man who keeps his word.

Does he make time for you?
How often does he text you randomly? Is he always busy? Does he 'forget' to call? 

Even if the rare times you do get together are great, you need someone who cares enough to make time for you. He does not need to be at your beck and call, all day every day.  

Is he proud of the relationship?

You should be dating a man whose friends and family know you exist. How do they know? You have met them.

If you spend the whole evening with a man on Saturday and on Sunday morning he will not sit with you in church. It doesn't matter what he says about “gossip” or “taking things slow” … cut him loose.

Someone who truly cares doesn't get mad when you occasionally tag him on Facebook. He is willing to change his FB relationship status. He does not have to be okay with your whole relationship playing out on social media.  However, if he is hiding you or hiding the relationship, then it is time to move on.

Do you have to make excuses for him?

As you were reading these questions, the man that you care about now, or someone from your past likely popped into your mind.

For some of you, when that guy popped into your mind, you were likely thinking about his but. Not B-U-T-T … BUT. He would make more time for me BUT our kid-free weekends are opposite each other's. I do always pay for dates, BUT he doesn't have a job right now. I'm not allowed to interact with him on Facebook BUT it's just because he's not ready for people to know about us yet.

If you are thinking about his BUT he is either not in the place for a relationship right now, or he is not the right guy for you. Nobody is perfect, but excuse after excuse is not going to get you where you want to be, or where God wants you to be.

Some men will get a “No” in some of these categories because they are jerks. They don't respect you. They don't put your needs first. They want what they want. Love is the opposite of self. Someone who always puts himself first does not mean it when he says that he loves you. He may not even know what that word means.

Others will get a “No” to some of these categories even though they are not jerks. A man can be a really good person and still not be the right one for you, for whatever reason. As hard as it is to let go of them in terms of romantic relationships, you need to know that God adores you and he doesn't want you in a relationship with a man who doesn't feel the same way.

I talk about sex a lot because we have to deal with it a lot. Those of us who choose to abstain until we are married are up against a great struggle, both internally and externally.

God makes it clear in His Word that sex outside of marriage is a sin. But I am going to tell you something you won't hear often enough. I want you to know that if you choose not to abstain, or if you fall into temptation, God still loves you. God isn't angry with you. God can be disappointed with your choices, but you aren't going to Hell for having sex. 

Are you living your best life? No. 

Are you experiencing the relationship God intended for you? Nope.

But God still loves you. 

If you slip up and end up having sex, you can not let yourself be pulled into a downward spiral of guilt and shame and let that pull you away from your relationship with Him."

It's not an excuse to do whatever you want, it is a reminder that the God who created you wants you to get up and try again... remind yourself: God wants MORE for you than this. He ADORES you and wants you to be with someone who does also.

 For the Lord your God is living among you.
    He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
    With his love, he will calm all your fears.
    He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

~Zephaniah 3:17

Being alone

Healed of my codependency,
I've been working hard to curb
the needy habits that codependency caused.
It is becoming easier and easier.

I'm encouraged by a huge reduction in
depression, tears, exhaustion, frustration
that used to flare up regularly due to
my own unmet hopes and expectations.

The biggest change, one that I expected
and have been looking forward to the most,
has not happened yet. I've spent time trying
to figure it out, but I'm still confused.

I can't figure out if God is waiting
to fix this part of me too, until I manage
to learn some important lessons here
or if this is just how He made me.

I still don't like being alone.

I enjoy being around people.
People energize and inspire me.
I may talk too much sometimes, but
meaningful conversation is something I crave.

I don't just want friends to lean on.
I want friends who are comfortable
with leaning on me, asking me for help
or saying hello for no reason at all.

I've honestly felt lately that my desire
to not be single could be ignored, possibly
(maybe) even satisfied, if I could manage
to cultivate some close friendships.

Is there something about myself I don't see
that keeps this from happening?
I actually asked someone recently, who said no.
But she and I don't really hang out either.

Am I bitchy? Whiny? Too opinionated?
Do I complain too much? Do I hog the conversation?

Am I a bad listener? Do I seem insincere?
Maybe I ask too many questions?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not doubting my worth here.
God thinks I'm awesome, of that I'm sure.
I just wish He'd clue some other people in
and then point me in the right direction.

Unlovable

Unlovable

“Velcro” a friend had called me. Clingy. Codependent.

I’ve long owned the fact that I was a recovering codependent, but I didn’t know how to stop it. When relationship problems spilled into other areas of my life, I decided to ask a professional for help. Inside of a nearly two hour session, this was the turning point:

“So, what does it mean if someone cancels or doesn’t make plans with you?”

“It means they didn’t care enough to make time for me.”
“So, what if nobody ever cared enough to make time for you?”

“Then I would be alone.”
“What does it mean if you are alone? What does that say to you?”
“It means nobody thinks I’m worth spending time with.”
“Why does what they think matter? Who defines your worth?”

How many times have I begged God to show me my worth? I’ve read books and blog posts where other writers had been given huge revelations through some unforeseen incident. Where was mine? “Come on God! Are you really going to prove to me that I’m worthless too?”

But with that question, “Who defines your worth?” I suddenly realized that all the time I had been asking Him to show me my worth, I had kept my eyes on people.

In my heart I believed I was worthless and unlovable. I wanted people to prove me wrong. Every positive interaction left me thinking, “See? You might be okay after all.” Every negative interaction confirmed for me what I already knew, even if the cause of the negative interaction had nothing to do with me.

After all the amazing things God has done for me, bringing me from homelessness to the owner of a thriving and growing business with employees in less than two years, giving me a purpose, forgiving me time and time again as I struggle to get life right... I still questioned my worth… until that conversation.

“So, right now people are tests of your worth. What would people be if they weren’t tests?”
“People. They would just be people.”

I named the system I had been using to determine my worth the “Convince Me” system. Then I asked God to put something else in its place. He answered me. Right there. In the space of a few minutes, after a lifetime of codependency and self-loathing, He made it new.

I’m no longer a recovering codependent. I am healed.

Over the next week, this was put to the test over and over. Several people’s true colors were made clear to me. I was shocked at the things I learned about people that directly affected me. One week before, the things I learned would have crushed me. Now? I am disappointed… but they are just people.

Not only did I not care that I didn’t have a date on Valentine’s Day, I turned down a lunch date with someone who didn't have my best interests at heart. Not because “this is what God would want me to do” (followed by sulking at home) but because I didn’t need him to prove to me that I am not worthless. He is just a person.

It sunk in slowly.

God had made me new without flashes of light or fanfare. I didn’t feel a great wind or a see something amazing. There were not even any witnesses when I realized for sure what He had done. There are plenty now though, because I can’t stop talking about it. I can’t not share what He did for me on Friday, February 13th, 2015.

Writers write to be read. We want people to want to read our work. We want people to share our work with others. We want people to be touched by our writing.

That being said, I hope you enjoyed this post. I pray that God uses it to touch you somehow. But if it doesn’t, if you didn’t like it, if you won’t share it, if you think I’m full of hot air… that’s okay.

You’re just a person, and my worth is defined by my Creator.

Don’t let that statement offend you. As a person, you have worth too… but don’t look to me for it. Look to Him.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

~Ephesians 2:10

Thanks so much to the Brave Girl community for letting me reach out to their readers!

Learning from failure

A couple of weeks ago I was trying to come up with a metaphor and asked my oldest daughter, "What is something that dies quickly?" Her answer, "Your relationships?"

Ouch.

(Just laugh. It's okay. I did at the time!)

I saw this not long after...

Now, to be fair, I'm nowhere near 10,000! but I'm thinking I should apply this quote to relationships.

As much I hate being single, as much as I want to get married again, I am finding out that there are traits that I won't "put up with" for the sake of being in a relationship. With each "failure" I am learning what I want and need from the man who will someday be my husband... and I'm learning not to settle... making myself speak up, even if I'm afraid it will end things.

Even though I know my worth in Jesus, I'm quickly realizing that making others see it isn't so easy. If it was, I wouldn't even have to say these things. I'm not talking about any one person either...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you don't want to be seen in public with me,
If you can't hold my hand where people can see,
If you wouldn't sit with me at church,

If you won't promise not to lie to me,
If your heart isn't ready to commit fully,
If you aren't excited to talk to me today,

If you can't accept my past and love who I am now,
If you refuse to see the silver linings,
If you are only after one thing,

If you still wish you could have her back,
    either as she was or as you thought she was,
If you only think about me when you are feeling
     hungry, angry, lonely or tired...
Then don't start anything with me.

I won't stop standing up for myself.
I may do it through tears and apologies,
because it is still hard for me to do, but
I know what I want, and I know who I am.

I dream big and love without reserve.
I'll fall hard and fast, and say what you will...
I don't ever expect that to change.

If you can't be on board with that,
save us both the heartache, because
I don't want to learn any more ways that won't work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do I think anyone that this applies to actually reads my blog? No. But it is all still worth saying.
 
I prayed for direction in that post I put up about a new relationship and things took a rough turn today. For now at least, I think I have that direction. 

Waiting is so much easier said than done, but I have to believe it will be worth it in the end.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint.

~Isaiah 40:31

Last Summer

When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long.

Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

~Psalms 32:3-4

These verses described my state of body and mind perfectly at one point last summer.

I had already believed myself to have been set free from depression, yet here I was again... sinking fast and I couldn't figure out why. Then I saw these verses and I knew.

I wasn't fighting depression. I was fighting God and depression was the result... My energy was zapped. My body ached. I laid in bed and cried for hours at a time.

I asked God for something and He had told me no, but I wouldn't take it.
Eventually I accepted it and let go. Six months later (last week) I found out that God had told me NO for a VERY good reason that I had been completely oblivious to.

"If God keeps you in Illinois" I said "Then we'll know it is meant to be. I love you."
"Sure," He says, "I love you, too." But he knew he wasn't staying. Now I wonder if he said it to the other two women I just found out he was dating as well?

Thankful this week that I KNOW that my battles are not against flesh and blood. God knew this was coming and what breakthrough I needed to be able to brush it off.

He gave me that breakthrough last week (more on that later) and I can truly say that this new information about what I thought was a relationship did not crush me or make me question my worth the way it would have even a month ago. 

When God says NO it is for a reason. We may not understand at the time, but He KNOWS what is best for us. Don't bother trying to fight with Him... He NEVER lets us win.... 

and if or when we find out why, we are usually grateful beyond words.

If anyone turns a deaf ear to my instruction,    even their prayers are detestable.
~Proverbs 28:9

Get in the boat

"He is not going to fight for you."
As I wrote before, I heard it clearly.
And then, all of the sudden, he did.

Or so it seemed.

Message after message calling me
beautiful, and special, and wonderful.
I had already accepted there would be no fight.

So what was this?

It was late, and he had been drinking.
"If you mean any of this, tell me tomorrow.
I have a feeling I won't hear from you."

I hoped I was wrong.

He assured me I was wrong and
asked me to come over to see him
"I just want to hold you in my arms."

It sounded wonderful.

But I knew it wasn't right, saying no
again and again, unwavering.
"If you mean it, tell me tomorrow."

"I will," he said. "Goodnight Gorgeous."

The next day I waited until late afternoon.
"You don't have anything to say?" I asked
"I'm an idiot." he replied

It didn't even take a moment to sink in.

He said it all hoping I would come over.
He wanted something and thought I would
give in if he said nice things about me.

It's worked for others in years past.

"Is that what this was?" I asked. Silence.
"A simple yes or no will suffice"
 His reply, "Basically." and "I'm sorry."

Hurt and angry at his attempt to manipulate me, and also wondering what it meant about every other conversation we'd ever had, I argued with him for a while through IM. Finally he said, "If you want to bash me and scream at me, you can. I can take it." But I couldn't do it. I fell asleep instead.

God took that time to work on my heart, to get me to see past the hurt feelings.

By the next morning I knew that what had happened was a symptom of his own spiral. I knew that he didn't deliberately hurt me, I was just collateral damage in his own personal mess and his struggle with alcohol, one I didn't even realize existed.

I wrote him a long note about my own spiral and his, about walking in righteousness, about being able to fail fast, realize we've failed and jumping up to try again. I wasn't preaching to him as someone who was superior... I was sharing with him as someone who has needed to hear these things myself in the last couple of weeks.

"I want to be angry with you, but

I don't know if I can be. 

I may be hurt and upset, but 

I can't sit in a boat and

watch you drown 

while I yell at you for splashing water on me."

I sent him my blog post called "Be still" and told him Jesus is fighting for him too. He agreed.

Maybe we can be good friends again someday. I don't see us ever dating again. That ship has sailed... and he wasn't in the boat. ;-)

I'll continue to pray for him. But his salvation and sobriety aren't my responsibility.

You have no idea what a huge statement that is coming from a habitual co-dependent rescuer, and how proud of myself I am for writing it and believing it. It's amazing when baby-steps turn into actual change.

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat. 

But I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail. 

So when you have repented and turned to me again, strengthen your brothers.” 

~Luke 22:31-32 Spoken by Jesus, emphasis added.

Know

I'll be the keynote speaker at a single moms' conference at the end of April.

Sitting down Friday night to dinner with the friend who recommended me for the honor, we started brainstorming ideas for the mini-sessions we will run as well.  I suggested a great subject for one, but it didn't quite seem right. Then I realized, it wasn't a subject to give someone else. It was supposed to be the title of my session.

"Know Your Worth " I've been asking God to show me mine for a long time... make me understand. I know I don't quite get it yet... and yet somehow He wants me to teach others.

Someone recently said, "If people truly understood their worth in Him, it would change the world."
If He is choosing me to help change some worlds, I can expect a battle... is it weird that I'm a little excited that I see it coming and feel like I can prepare?

I know I won't get it right every time. Even today, as I've struggled with the loneliness that never fails to hit me as I leave church services... I'm pretty sure God told me to go for a walk. I took a nap instead. Then I emailed some people. Then I did some reading. Now I'm writing.

It just occurred to me that truly understanding my worth would probably change my world too.

I hope I'm ready. 

I hope you are too. 

If you are reading this, 

then it's likely that changing my world 

will change yours a little as well. 

The faithful love of the lord never ends! His mercies never cease.Great is his faithfulness;his mercies begin afresh each morning.I say to myself, “The lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The lord is good to those who depend on him,to those who search for him.
~Lamentations 3:22-25 NLT 

Okay, now I'm going to go change out of my church clothes and go for a walk. 

Wow. See how well this accountability blog thing works?

Resting is hard work

A recent speaker to my church talked about being called a workaholic. He said he laughed when he heard it, "I hate work! I'm not a workaholic." The response was that it isn't the work he was addicted to, it was the finished product. It was the satisfaction of a job well done. It was what he gets from doing the work.

I thought to myself, "So maybe I'm a volunteeraholic?"

That week alone, between a special conference and volunteering for other things, I had spent over 20 hours at the church. I am there, volunteering, several days a week on a slow week. Several times a month I volunteer at the local food pantry that helped me when I needed it most. I recently volunteered to babysit a friend's newborn foster child while she works her third shift job a couple nights a week. And if a friend asks for help with something, I make sure I do what I can.

But why? I am a single mom with four children and a business to run. I could tell anyone on any given day that I'm too busy to do anything else and they would understand.

The opposite of love is self... selfishness... and we are to love one another. That's what I am doing.. serving people Jesus loves. Giving of myself to help further His Kingdom... right?

I'm also having a lot of fun doing some of it. I truly love working in the sound booth and working with the lighting, media, and video. I hope God is giving me this opportunity for a reason, that I am gaining skills that will be useful to Him in the future. All in all though, regardless of how it works out, I know I am doing it for Him.

It is impossible to ignore, however, the sense of satisfaction I get, the boost in my own self-esteem and self worth that comes from being important to others... I sometimes wonder if these positive aspects of volunteering don't push me to do more than I should. 

Why is being appreciated by people so important? I have worth to Him whether I am helping with one more thing or not. While wrestling with this thought lately, God has shown me several times that doing work for Him is a lot easier than resting in Him. 

Easier than resting? Resting is easy. Resting equals laziness. While nobody would come right out and say that, internally it is said loud and clear in the silence, the absence of accolades. 

Too tired to read the Word, too scattered to pray without making it a "multi-tasking" opportunity, I neglect Him more than I should... and I often do it IN HIS NAME! While God loves it when we nurture our relationship with Him, it is harder to explain to people that the reason behind a "no" is because our relationship with God is suffering. So, we tell Him "no" instead. 

Then we continue to push Him farther away by spending so much time doing things for Him instead of just spending time with Him, resting in His presence.

That's the key. Anyone can take a day off. Anyone can turn down duties or quit serving in certain areas. Resting IS easy. Resting in Him isn't.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

~Psalm 62:5-8 

Redeeming humanity

Why do we refuse to acknowledge
the battles, the struggles, the pain?

It doesn't make us any less redeemed,
to admit that we are human. It might even
make us more so, as it is our humanity
that makes us worth redeeming.

At some point we must realize that
being redeemed, saved, valued, loved
by the God of all creation, doesn't fix
our lives, resolve our problems, perfect us.

In fact, it often makes our issues
even more glaringly obvious when the
Holy light shines down on them and
reminds us of how far we still have to go.

God is in the business of redeeming humanity,
not taking away choices, even choices that
involve turning away from Him. If we were
perfect upon redemption, our choices would
be gone, we'd know too much to have free will.

So we continue this life, redeemed, but human
while trying to put on a "perfected" facade.
Who are we lying to... God? He knows better.
The world, our friends, maybe just ourselves? Why?

Maybe we fear being called 'hypocrite'
by those who don't understand we are
still on a journey towards perfection.
Maybe we fear acknowledging all
the work we know we have left to do. 

Twice recently, I have been reminded that
sharing my struggles is just as important
as sharing how I've succeeded in Him.

And yet, I couldn't help but think today
what a fraud I am, claiming God has
rescued me from depression and still
reacting to an old trigger with an inability
to function productively for a few hours.

I kept looking for confirmation of all
I was thinking and feeling, knowing
I'm a fraud and a failure, and I found plenty.

I almost believed it all, until the redeemed
within me began fighting back, against
the lies I was hearing, reading, believing.
I still believed most of it when I sat down
to write tonight, prepared for a negative post.

So many things are happening that make me
question my worth on all levels. And yet, I know
that as long as I keep fighting, He'll always
pull me through. And as hard as it is to believe,
it doesn't matter who thinks what of me.
 
I found this song tonight...

Yes, these struggles chase after me,
threatening to overtake me. But I know
none of those things own me any longer because
He who is in me is greater than all of it... and He will use it for good.

 My foes have trampled upon me all day long, For they are many who fight proudly against me. When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.
~Psalm 56:2-3

Saturday night

Used to spending Saturday nights with
friends I no longer have, it would be easy,
more than easy, to fall back into those
"before-I-was-made-new" habits.

I haven't yet decided what I want to do
as this weekend approaches. It will be
one of just a few "kid-free" Saturday nights
we have not hung out in the last year.

It's not really that I lack possibilities of
finding other Saturday entertainment.
Maybe I'll even go on a date or something
now that I have a Saturday night free... maybe.

But making new plans means concretely accepting
that the time we all enjoyed together is really over.
While I'd love to believe it's fixable and we can
go back, we can't, and I probably shouldn't want to.

But that doesn't make it easier to actually close
the door, admitting I have lost friends I love,
who have been an important part of walking with me
through the changes God has made in me so far.

Maybe it's because the severing is so upsetting
that the enemy believes I will fall. In fact,
he has been putting opportunities directly
into my path, over and over in the last few weeks.

I don't think he realizes that he is only
strengthening my resolve to do what's right.
But what is that? I mean, I could take this
as another crushing blow, like I did last week.

Or, I can shake it off and move on, towards
whatever God has prepared for me instead.

Yeah, I choose that one.

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
~Isaiah 41:10

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
~Romans 15:13

Doing better

Doing much better tonight.

I wish is wasn't so difficult

to remember sometimes,

that God is in control.
I wish lots of things had

worked out differently,
but am thankful tonight

that His grace is enough.

God is good, no matter what happens.

He has a plan and it isn't always clear from where I am standing.

When I asked Him to shine through the cracks yesterday,

and focused on letting Him take care of my heart

I started seeing things differently.

None of the circumstances have changed, and if I dwell on it I could still be upset. But if I've learned nothing else over these last several months, it's that God has a better plan than I do. Holding on to that today.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” 

~Psalm 32:8 (NIV)

“It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.” 

~Psalm 118:8 (NIV)

Chances

The last few weeks, as I've neglected
to return his texts with the same
intensity at which he sends them,
things have started to cool with D.

Living fourteen hours from someone
you care about, who is all talk and
no action is not something anyone
can make work. Especially not me.

I finally told him I can't do it anymore,
this is not what God wants for my life,
I don't blame him. He has never changed
since I met him... I just saw what I wanted to see.

I was always believing hope and prayer
would be enough to change his life.
And whether it affected my life or not,
that someday I would get to see his transformation.

I still believe it will happen one day. I know God
is bigger than anything, whether it be PTSD or
general jerkiness (they can be hard to separate).  I doubt
I'll be close enough to see it. I hope I hear about it though.


I have a friend who is back with the guy
that God doesn't have planned for her life.
She knows it. We've talked about it.
But much like me, she can't let go.

Someone else recently said to me
it's funny how I have such good advice
for other people's relationships,
but I can't see it in my own.

How can I keep telling people to let go of
their destructive relationships, to let go of
the people in their lives who cause pain,
who lie, cheat, and steal from them...
If I'm unwilling to do it myself?

As much as I would argue that I hate misery,
I give God control over things knowing that
He can do a better job, and then take them back
and try to make them work myself... and make myself miserable.

Did you just say to yourself,
"Well ____ doesn't steal from me,
so she's not talking about them."
Theft of time is worse than any earthly possession.

Time you could have spent with your family.
Time you could have spent with your real friends.
Time you could have spent with the 'right' one.
Time you could have spent at the feet of Jesus.

I'm still so far from perfect and have a long way to go, but I'm determined to use what God gives me in the ways He wants me to use it... even if I get turned around from time to time in the process. I am so thankful that He is the God of second chances and that He's apparently given me an unlimited supply, as long as I keep asking for them and trying to do it right.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. 

~2 Peter 3:9

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
~Phil 1:6