Designed to create

You won't see many blog posts out there on exhaustion from a first person perspective. Why? Because exhaustion sucks the creativity right out of the person who is dealing with it. It sucks the energy out of us too.

I haven't written because that's where I was. I'm out of it now and can write again. So, what happened? Was I doing more? Was I not taking care of myself? Was I just lazy?

I've learned a lot about myself in the last couple months and it has been an adventure. Looking back, I realized that it wasn't just the amount of stuff I was doing that caused the exhaustion. It was the type of stuff I was doing.

My business was good, but stagnant. The volunteer work I once loved had turned from creating light shows and scenes that set the tone of a church service to scheduling people and being in charge of processes. Lots of stuff like that. Boring.

I hired a business coach to try to figure out why I was burnt out and to get help. Actually, it was our first meeting, before I even hired her, that she showed me that I was designed to create... not manage. I suddenly felt free to explore other ideas for the first time ever... because I was doing what God designed me to do.

I had been going to live music shows and posting about them so other people could find them too... but I had been viewing it as a hobby I probably shouldn't take seriously. When I realized that I had confined myself to the boredom and burnout I had been dealing with, I decided to pursue something new... something that breathed new life into me.

Suddenly, it was a business. In 6 weeks I had over 500 followers (growing every day) and local bands and venues are working with me to get their shows promoted. Three months ago I was still too scared to walk into a music venue or a bar by myself. In fact, it was just about 3 months ago that some friends were late for karaoke and I sat in the car for 20 minutes until I was sure they were inside before even getting out of my car.

Two weekends ago I saw seven bands in seven venues in two nights, but kept to myself... not letting anyone know who I am. This weekend I saw 6 different bands and walked up and introduced myself between sets. People who know me, look at me and are amazed at the differences they see.

I've never lived outside of my comfort zone so consistently or so deliberately before. 

Some may see that and think, but what does that have to do with grace? Isn't this a blog about how God's grace changed your life? 

Yes, yes it is. 

And because I'm no longer living in fear of making the wrong choice or making God angry... I know who I am, who He created me to be. The world can put all the expectations on me they want. It doesn't bother me. I can focus on the thing He created me to do. CREATE. 

I've never felt more like I was made in His image than at this moment in my life.

Grace did that for me.

God created mankind in his own image. 

Gen 1:27

By grace you have been saved through faith.

Ephesian 2:8

I will put my laws into their minds, and write them on their hearts, 

and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

Hebrews 8:10b

Give me strength

I am not one to jump out of bed daily
with a spring in my step, ready to go.
I can be pretty productive in the morning,
but the enemy likes to pounce before
my eyes are even open. My first victory
every day is just getting out of bed.
Sometimes that victory is a first place trophy,
other times it is a participation ribbon that says,
"This is your life, thanks for showing up today."

I need You to soften my heart, to break me apart.
I need You to open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life. 

For awhile now, I've woken up each day
with a different song in my head.
I hadn't thought much about before today.
What if this isn't just the typical craziness
of my brain, but a Gift to encourage me
to get through the attacks that start
when I'm barely conscious and continue
until I'm headed out the door, focused elsewhere,
often having missed out on precious time at His feet.

 Give me strength, to trust what You say

That You're good, and Your love is great

I don't just need faith to believe what He says,
there's no doubt I believe, but the strength
to put His commands into action. To do.
There's a big difference between believing and doing.
I'd love to say I get it right most of the time, but
there are things that I need to change.
Some things I'm aware of, some I am not. 
He knows though, and He has the strength to help.
The problem is relying on His strength instead of my own. 

I may be weak, but your Spirit's strong in me.

My flesh may fail, my God You never will.

As He continues to open my eyes to what
He is doing and planning for my life,
I have to continue to attempt to shift my focus
from my battles to His power, strength, and glory,
and to the gifts He gives me every day...
A song in my heart, and continued grace
as I walk this path. It feels like a crazy winding road,
but it doesn't matter as long as I focus on the Light
that is at my feet, giving me just enough grace to take the next step.

I need You to soften my heart, to break me apart.
I need You to pierce through the dark, and cleanse every part of me
All I am, I surrender...

Till He appeared

O Holy night, the stars are brightly shining

It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth.

How do I explain to you

what He means to me?

How do I explain

the differences I see

when I look at myself

such a short time

after truly committing

to understand His love?

Someone else did it already.

I’ve heard it a hundred times,

but never really listened...

 Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

 

I wandered a long time

In my own sin and error

Pining away? You tell me…

 

Sounds pretty familiar, in hindsight.

How could any heart not be broken

that doesn’t truly realize

how much it is worth?

How could anyone who doesn’t see

the kind of sacrifice He made

to spend eternity with them

to make this life worth living
not be slowly wasting away?

That line, those words,

“Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth”

brought tears,
even though 

I’d sung it

     a hundred times before.

          A connection was made.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

What a thrill hope is.
I’ve been hopeless

just before that tiny shaft of light

pierced through what I saw

and brought me hope

that there was something

besides the darkness

I had confined myself to.

Those of us who
finally see the light

have no reason to continue

sitting in the darkness.

The best thrill of my life.

Exhausted from my struggles

I couldn’t not rejoice

at the new morning

that He brought forth.

 

Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born

The world was different that night.

Changed. 

     Forever.

          Just like me

               when my soul felt its worth. 

Jesus is my personal trainer

Over the last year I have lost 65lbs... and have about 40 more to go. I recently took up what I thought was going to be trail-walking... but I was listening to Judah Smith preach (his sermon with a strong, steady beat in the music behind him) through my earbuds and couldn't help myself... when he talks about joy and freedom... I just want to run! I have never been a runner!

(From a t-shirt I saw online.)

I've added some encouraging songs with a strong beat to my playlist as well and it occurred to me today as I was out on a trail that there is something special about pushing yourself to your physical limits and hearing God's word (or talking to Him) at the same time.

My atheist friend would call it "lack if oxygen" but I know there is more.

Your lack of ability to keep up emotional walls just opens up places for Jesus to work where you haven't been letting Him in...

I think back to when I used to watch that TV show "The Biggest Loser" and their personal trainers would push and push and push the contestants until they broke... until they were sobbing and breathless and suddenly talking about all the hurts in their past and why they eat and why they rage and why they are too depressed to move on a daily basis.

Physical exertion can break the walls you've built within yourself. Sometimes it picks at the mortar, making it crumble a tiny bit at a time... but at some point for me there was a "boom"... there was probably a visible physical jolt, if anyone had been around to see it...  

When I had pushed myself to the point where I wanted to stop and sit in the grass and sob about every stupid choice I had ever made, every wrong thing in my life and refuse to ever move again... I had these words in my ears...

(Hit "play" on the youtube video to hear the actual song... you can hear why it would be good to run to.)

"You are no match for sin. You are no match for temptation... The only hope for sexual purity in today's society is beauty and majesty of Jesus. when your eyes and your heart and your emotions get captured by the beauty and the majesty and the loveliness of Jesus it will cause you to resist temptation and look only to Him...

Bondage, addiction, temptation, secrecy, pain... It must bow and it falls back at the mention of His great name. I am convinced that the blood of Jesus is the most powerful agent in human history... and it can set you free... for whom Jesus sets free is free indeed!"

Jesus' love is the answer to your pain.
Just Jesus.
Jesus plus nothing is the answer..."

(Jesus is Bringing Sexy Back; Judah Smith)

The right song at the right moment...

I heard this today and it was such an encouragement to me... I can't get bogged down in the hurts of the past and I can't let myself be pulled down by the memories of my bad choices. Because while God wanted me to do better, He is willing to take my choices and experiences from the past and turn them into something great...

Jason Gray

The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope's a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow

And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
[x2]

From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine