Debt Mountain Update Month 8ish

I really wish I had been better at writing this down every month and updating everyone. After the post where I talked about Mike and I arguing about the debt, we were able to work things out and I feel like he's really been on board with the fact that this is going to take him, me, and God to get this debt taken care of. 

While we had made some good progress the first few months, I honestly thought that I was going to have to throw the whole "getting out of debt" plan out the window when the pandemic started affecting us.

Hire A Housewife went entire weeks without a single customer. I tried to innovate and offer new products as well as show clients that we cared, but people were concerned about safety, and they had every right to be. 

Then the CARES Act put some things in place to help... and help they did. Between qualifying for SNAP benefits (meaning we haven't had to buy any groceries out of our pockets this 3 months) and a PPP Loan, temporary unemployment, and a few other things, we've made great strides towards paying down debt.  (This is especially true as a self-employed person with student loans... there is a provision in there that was super helpful for us.)

Yesterday I made my final credit card payment. 

That's a photo of some of them all cut up. I mean, I couldn't do ALL of them. I will keep a few for emergencies or car rentals or business expenses that I will then pay off every single month. 

I still owe student loans, my car, and the IRS, but we are making headway and it's pretty amazing to see all that has been paid down so far.  

In fact, in 8 months time, we've decreased the total debt by 48.27% 

Credit card debt alone was over $23,000. Now, considering my NET income last year was less than that, this is a pretty big feat. It involved a lot of working smart in addition to working hard. 

I was paying over $600 a month in interest last year before I decided this is what I needed to do. But by paying the cards off creatively and systematically, I was able to transfer large portions to 0% interest cards, which facilitated me paying them off that much faster. 

One important aspect of all of this was saying I DECIDED to get out of debt. If I hadn't put that stake in the ground last year, it would have been very easy to say, "Woohoo! Free money!" and bought some fun things instead of paying down debt. 

One thing that will change in the future is the total amount of IRS debt I owe. I finally got all the paperwork figured out and sent in, but they are running behind in opening mail at the IRS, so it might be a few months before I know what's going on with that. I'm not worried though. God's got this. And as astronomical as the number the IRS gives me is likely to be, we'll work it out. 

Whatever goal you have in your life right now, stick with it.  The Bible DOES NOT SAY everything happens for a reason... but it does say God can work all things for your good
(even when the circumstances seem less than favorable.)

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.
Romans 8:28

Intentionality in depression

"You're not on anti-depressants?" the doctor asked.

"Nope. It's been five or six years. My depression was mostly situational and once I learned how to get my mindset in the right place, I didn't need them anymore."

He looked at me skeptically. My previous doctor had left town and I had to see this guy before I could get a prescription refill for my Adderall back in September.

I continued...

"I'd actually like to stop the ADHD meds too at some point, but not yet. I'm getting ready to leave for a big trip, then my wedding, and the holidays... there are a lot of things going on right now and I don't want to deal with withdrawals and learning to rebalance myself in the middle of all of that."

He agreed about it not making changes now, but seemed annoyed that I wanted off medication altogether. "Adderall is perfectly safe for adults. You could be on it another 20 years before I'd start talking about whether it would cause heart problems if you continued taking it."

(Imagining going through all the hassles I have to go through to get this for 20 more years was enough to make me want to quit right there. It's a fight every month to get the prescription filled!)

Then he suggested that there were things that would replace Adderall that had different side effects, and he started naming anti-depressants with built in stimulants.

"No. I don't need anti-depressants." He just nodded and let me go.

I understand some people need anti-depressants. I did, when I took them before. My emotions were stuck in a cycle of bad choices resulting in bad feelings which led to more bad choices. I couldn't get myself out. I couldn't choose to walk towards the light because I couldn't see it.

Taken from cruise ship as we approached Spain.
It's still hard to believe we were actually there!

That's not my life anymore, and I'm proud of that. Some of my early blog posts are clear evidence of the hard work it took to get where I am today!

Last week though, as I sat on the couch, trying to get paperwork done and staring into space doing nothing, it dawned on me that the heaviness that had settled on me was recognizable.

In the last three months, I've planned and executed a move, taken my family on an amazing trip through Make-A-Wish, had a wedding and a reception... there has been something going on all the time. I was always under a deadline.  Life is starting to calm down. Post-wedding and post-vacation blues are a real thing... add that in to just regular life stuff and it makes sense that everything seems so difficult right now.

I've been burning the candle at both ends for awhile, and in the process quit exercising, eating well, or really even trying to do those things. I'm tired.

Writing this post has been difficult because there is a difference between recognizing depression and actually sitting in it, analyzing it, and reconciling it with who I am now.

God is good. My life is good. Good things are happening! It felt almost wrong for me to admit I was depressed... like I must be doing something wrong. As much as this blog thrives on my authenticity, my brain said, "If you know you are depressed and don't have an answer, then you must be doing something wrong. This is your fault. You can't write about that."

The thing is, God didn't say we would always feel happy. He never promised that we would always

I took this photo from our cruise ship one morning

have the energy to get up off the couch and do our work. He didn't even insinuate that it would be my fault if that happiness and energy were missing.

He did tell me to choose joy. He did tell me to rest in Him. He did tell me that He gives me everything I need to deal with the ups and downs of life.

My responsibility in this is to live with intentionality. I have to make sure that I am choosing joy when I'd rather sit in misery. When I am feeling too weighed down to move, I have to close my eyes and choose to ask Him for help... strength, energy, whatever it is I need to get through the next moment.

I don't need to get through the whole day, or the whole week, or the whole month in that moment. There likely will not be a complete emotional turn-around

or the sudden rush energy, but He gives us what we need to take one more step towards joy, knowing that it will get better.


When I started typing this, I didn't know where it was going. It seemed like a long complaint about how I'm feeling. But I know I am supposed to write. So, I intentionally choose to do it, asking God for wisdom along the way. Not for a whole book, not for a whole month of posts, but for the next paragraph... and then the next.

And while you're reading the end result and (possibly) thinking these were words you needed to read... know that these were words I needed to read today too.

God is cool like that.

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times,
having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
2 Corinthians 9:8

Recognizing the bad habits

James 1:5-6

I'm partially through a one month writing challenge for Toastmasters, so I'll have a few more posts than usual this month.

Figuring out how grace plays a role in getting out of debt is tricky. In the big picture I understand it, but I don't want to twist scripture into something that looks good on paper.

As I go through the steps to get where I need to be, I know everything will come full circle and make sense in the end. It's another part of this journey I'm looking forward to.

I've purposely taken stock of my bad habits over the last couple of weeks, thinking a bit about how I built my own debt mountain.

Of course there are student loans and a car loan and lots of charged business expenses for my main business on top of the debt from two businesses that haven't brought income. (One no longer operating.) But there are also a lot of little things that have added up over time.

Fear of over-drafting. I can pull into a gas station, knowing I have $20 to get gas in my checking account, but still use my credit card, "just in case" I need that $20 for something else. Do that three times for the same $20 and even if you haven't used the $20 and can make a payment, you've got $60 on the card to pay off. I will do anything to avoid a $32 overdraft fee from the bank... even pay 27% interest on the charge, apparently.

Bad planning. I would have called it exhaustion before. It is easy to spend $40 on pizza or $30 on Chick-Fil-A when the kids are hungry and I'm just too tired. But the fact of the matter is, dinner happens every day of the week. There are few instances where kids are hungry and I didn't know that I had to feed anyone at some point that day.

Subscriptions. A few weeks ago I spent 2 hours turning off every subscription I had... most of them not even being used. Ancestry.com, Audible (I use it, but not fast enough... I had to use 6 paid book credits before I could shut it off!), Spokeo (used for a search for a family member and forgot to shut down), Amazon music, etc... I turned off $75/month of recurring charges for things I didn't even need and rarely used.

Giving. I know. This one will be difficult. I have a hard time not justifying giving to others with the knowledge that God wants us to be generous and will make up for whatever I give. I may still continue to give as much as I have been, I don't know. This is something I have to consider, at least questioning myself each time.

I don't doubt other bad habits that will come to light too eventually. I'm taking it one step at a time.

Some will tell me that I have to work hard to pay off these debts. I got myself into this mess, I should get myself out. Do the work. Make the sacrifices. Many will hear me talk about grace being what gets us out of this mess, and assume that means I am not planning to do anything different.

Really, it's a little bit of both.

It would be easy for me to ask God for a miracle and expect one through grace, all while continuing
my bad habits, or to rely on my husband's income to get me through while I continue paying down debt. But I know that doing those things does not help me learn how to handle money better and won't keep me from making similar mistakes in the future.

For me, a huge part of my thankfulness to God for helping me get out from under this debt mountain is making sure that I learn from my mistakes so that I don't end up in the same place again. Do I think I could turn things around and then make big mistakes and God would help again? Yes. But I don't want that to be the cycle my life follows. I believe He has better plans for me (and my money!) than that!

And by taking responsibility for my debt issues and asking for grace each day to help me not use the same bad habits over and over, I'm stretching my faith and bringing myself a step closer to those better plans.

In the same way, instead of relying on a huge miracle of a windfall to pay everything off, I need to make smart choices that open up the streams of income God uses to take care of and bless my family. I mean, I have two businesses for goodness sake. I definitely have the capacity for an increase in income that will help pay off these debts and give us future stability.

But, I'll save that to write about for next time.

Moving Debt Mountain

The hardest messes to clean up are the ones we've made ourselves. 

I found this while cleaning 

yesterday just before I got the call

I mention below...

Combine guilt with worry about the outcome, and add all the work that needs to happen... it's a formula that can be motivation-zapping. Plus, there is often the little voice in the back of your head, "You are just going to do it again... so why work so hard?"

Time and again God has shown me what HE can do if I just take a step back and stop worrying. And what He does is always just so amazing! But trusting Him for help can be difficult when you are stuck on the thought that "I made this mess, so I have to clean it up."

Even though I understand grace, it's hard to get through my thick head sometimes that God cares about what I'm dealing with, much less that I can ask him for help with it. When I do though, cool things happen!

Now I've got another one to give Him, and this one is huge...

Last week I said to myself, "I've decided to be debt free." and then I didn't tell anyone else.
I just kept it to myself and prayed about what the next steps should be. 

Side note: stop formulating your Dave Ramsey comment in your head right now. He's great... but what I've got going on here is bigger than that. I don't want you to miss the point of what I'm saying. 

I've decided to be debt free by the end of 2020.

If you knew how high the debt mountain is, or how small my shovel is, you wouldn't think it was possible. In fact, you'd be tempted to tell me to stop being illogical. And that's okay. You don't have to believe this will happen. Let me show you.

But if we're talking about being logical, I have to ask... what kind of silly person asks God to help them with things that are completely humanly possible?

Mike & I eating wedding cake. 

Some will assume this might be an easy task these days, now that I'm married. To be honest, my debt has been a point of contention with Mike since we met. It wasn't enough to keep us apart, and I love that he trusts me as much as he does, but I want to be very careful that I continue to contribute to this household in ways that keep those kinds of thoughts from even entering his mind.

Yes, I will have to cut back and plan ahead more. Yes, the month before Christmas is a hard one to start this. Yes, I will be cutting up most of my credit cards and choosing not to keep a balance on any I do keep.

No. I don't know how it's going to work out exactly.

Don't worry about me though, I have a plan.

The plan is... faith. I'm not doing this on my own. And actually, we have a plan. Mike and I are in agreement that if this is going to happen, God has to not only be IN it... but He has to do it.

God has got our backs and I have no doubt that the story that comes from this will be amazing.

Not convinced?

Let me share with you what happened yesterday...

While at Knox College, I was awarded a Minority Teacher's Scholarship that was to be repaid by teaching for 2 years in a qualifying school. 

Once I got out of school, I never taught full time and I didn't verify if the schools I taught in were qualifying or not.... I just needed to work.

Then I pretty much forgot about it because... life happened.

Sixteen years later that $6500 had turned into over $10,000 including interest. (Think about that before you encourage your children to take out student loans... those can be worse!) 

I'm telling my debt mountain, It's time to go...

I recently started getting phone calls that began with, "This is an attempt to collect a debt." The Illinois Student Assistance Commission (ISAC) wanted their money.

They said if I could prove I met the terms of the agreement, they may be able to waive some or all of the fees. The problem? I'm terrible at record keeping. And apparently, not all of the schools keep their records this long either. Plus, I was fairly certain that few of the schools were "qualifying"... if any.

One district, who I called repeatedly, informed me that those records are in another building and nobody has time to look for them.

So, yesterday morning I faxed what I had to ISAC, hoping they'd at least cut it in half and set me up with a payment plan. In the afternoon they called and said it was being marked "paid in full" and I'd receive a letter in the mail.

They decided to accept and credit me with all the days worked at the one district I sent records from.

Over $10,000 off my debt mountain, just like that!

Praise the Lord!

And that's when I decided some others might want to join me on this journey.

Are you ready? Every month on the 15th I'll share what percentage of the debt is gone... and eventually a number. 

Thanks for your prayers and support. 

 ❤ 

Despite all the parts of this that will be difficult... This is going to be fun.

Experiencing Turbulence

My tray of food jumped up off of the table connected to the seat back in front of me, and my wine sloshed dangerously close to the edge of my clear plastic cup.

Ah, turbulence. I had forgotten it existed, really.

Photo taken by Ella
as the sun set while flying.

We were headed out of the country for the first time ever, on the trip of a lifetime. Lauren's Make-A-Wish trip would start in Rome when we boarded our cruise ship in a few hours, and take us through several cities between Italy, France, and Spain... ending again in Rome, seven days later.

We extended our trip by one day so that Mike and I could get married while we were there. It was going to be amazing, more fantastic experiences than I could have ever imagined that I would get to do with my family in my entire lifetime, much less over the course of 9 days!

My food jumped again and this time some wine did spill.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. It would be fine.

Then came what felt like a 100 foot loss in altitude... although it was probably only 5. It was enough. Passengers screamed and everyone scrambled. Just about everyone was trying to figure out the best way to keep their drinks from pouring all over their food, clothes, and each other. Others tried to comfort those around them.

One elderly gentleman took off his seat belt and stood up. I'm sure because he or his wife had spilled on themselves. A flight attendant yelled from her seat in the back in an “angry mom voice,”  “Sir! Sit down right now!”

He complied immediately.

One young woman held her cup out over the aisle, trying to anticipate the drops and keep as much wine in her glass as possible. I set mine inside my tray for a brief moment and then decided before any more of it was spilled on my pants, I should drink it. So I did. All of it.

I'd like to say it helped, but it didn't. My children were 11 rows ahead of me, separated from my line of sight by a wall. Fear began creeping into my mind and taking over.

I started to cry.

Mike & I before take-off.

Mike grabbed my hand and told me it was going to be okay. I nodded, but the tears didn't stop. I've experience major turbulence once before, on a trip to LA to visit my brother. There were no tears then. I tried to recall what was different, but in that moment, all I could think about was that my children were on the plane with me, and that I couldn't get to them to comfort them.

I looked out the window, straining to see anything that might give me some clue as to what was going on. The last bit of land underneath us had disappeared not long before and the only things I could see were the wings of the plane, lit up by the plane's lights, and total darkness beyond.

Mike kept trying to comfort me but wasn't sure how. So he just held my hand and waited for the turbulence to end.

After what seemed like an eternity, the pilot's voice came across the speaker.

“Ladies and Gentlemen,”

I held my breath

“We were warned that this was coming, but we climbed to a level that we thought was above it. It turns out that's not high enough. Unfortunately, we aren't able to fly above 39,000 feet and that is right where we are now. We should be through this in about 20 minutes.”

Exhale.

20 minutes? I could do this for 20 minutes. The bumps were still the same, but I was calmer after that... and I'm fairly certain it wasn't just the wine I had recently chugged.  I worked on eating what was left of my food and went back to my in-flight movie.

At O'Hare, waiting for our flight out.

(My kids were fine, by the way, when I checked on them later. They were laughing about the turbulence for the most part... although my oldest lamented some about the amount of wine she lost in the aisle of the plane.)

In retrospect I realized what was different about the turbulence on this flight...

The pilot.

When the turbulence started on the flight to L.A., the pilot came on almost immediately. He informed us that we were going to experience some turbulence for awhile and the flight attendants had been informed they must sit down and buckle up as well.

It's amazing how much it helps to have the words of someone who knows what the outcome is going to be...

It's the same when life gets turbulent. The sooner we hear from the Pilot, the sooner we start to feel better. That's true even if the answer we get isn't the one that we want.

In the moment, I would have rather the pilot told us he's pulling up so we could fly above the turbulence, and we'd be out in a few minutes. But, I had no idea what would happen if we flew above the approved 39,000 feet. Could we hit another plane? Would it be too cold for ours? Would the pressure be too much for our engines? In reality, it doesn't matter.

Sometimes all we get is, “There are reasons this won't change that you don't understand, trust Me.”

Would you accept that answer if a pilot said that to you? Of course!

How about when God says it to you?

When I was getting upset on the plane, there was no way to talk to anyone in charge. I couldn't knock on the cockpit door and ask what was going on. I couldn't flag down a flight attendant to see if she had any insight. I just had to wait.

In life though, I don't have to wait to hear from God.

I often say out loud, “It's You and me today. We've got this.” and then I go about my day, trusting that God's got this and He'll let me know if I need to do something different. I always intend to start my morning with that thought, but often it takes something frustrating popping up to remind me.

When I say it, I don't always get the answer I want or expect. Sometimes it's just a calmness that settles, and I know it's going to be okay.

Try it, next time you need some direction.

It's You and me today, God. We've got this.

We're getting married...

Depending on how long you've been reading this blog, and whether or not you follow me on social

media, you may or may not know that I'm about to get married after 16 years of being single.

God has blessed Mike and I in so many ways and we look forward to spending the rest of our lives growing closer to each other and God.

I have so much more to say about that, but I just wanted to let people know first.

I'll write more later... because there is so much more. God is so good... and always does things bigger and better than I can imagine they will be... Yes, I'm getting married to an amazing man. And, it's going to happen in Rome, Italy... on October 9, 2019.

I don't know how long our wedding website will exist. So here is the link, but it may not be there if you are looking back a couple of years from now. So I'm sharing the information below as well.

Our Wedding Website

My favorite part of this site is that I get to tell everyone some of the story us...

How We Met

TLDR: We Both Swiped Right (But really, read the rest!)

Mike loves to see me squirm when people ask how we met... 

so I'll just put it out there up front. lol. 

We met online. 

We talked for a week or so before he asked if I wanted to meet up. We met at Chick-Fil-A and chatted for about 45 minutes and then went our separate ways. 

Our first official date was 6 days later - at Kenny's Westside Pub to see the Central Illinois Jazz Train, followed by Open Mic night at Office on Main in Morton (to watch, not participate.) As we were driving that night, I told him a story that involved having faith for healing and seeing it happen right away. As I was saying it I thought, "Oh man, he's probably going to drop me off at home and tell people about the crazy girl he took out." Instead, he responded with a similar story of his own. That was a pretty big sign for me. 

The dates after that all sort of run together because if one of us wasn't out of town, we were together. There was a lot of live music and a lot of laughter every time.

The Proposal

He proposed twice...

Mike doesn't really consider the first one a proposal, but I do. It was spontaneous and heartfelt. We were sitting in his car in the parking lot of his apartment building a couple of days before Christmas, and he turned to me and said, "So, how does a guy find out what kind of ring a woman wants without ruining the surprise?" 

I told him I'd send him an email with a link and he could open it next week or he could open it in six months... completely up to him. On Christmas Eve he downloaded the Zillow app and started looking for houses. 

That's when I knew he was serious. 

Fast forward to this summer... He saved up the money for a ring, but used it on the down payment for a house. Then he saved up the money for a ring again and this time used it to pay for his ticket to join us on Lauren's trip in October. He told me hadn't done a formal proposal yet because he didn't have the ring yet. I told him the ring didn't matter and the how didn't matter... it was the why that was important. 

Then, for my birthday, he went out and got a "for now" ring, wrote Marry Me on my birthday cake in Icing, and stuck the ring in the frosting flower. 

I'm so used to being the one taking video at birthday parties that it didn't even click what was happening until someone said something about the cake. Once I saw it, he got down on one knee and proposed in his kitchen, with our kids and a few friends there. 

I said yes, by the way.

God Winks

Before we even knew each other...

When he friended me on FB between the time we met and our first date, I noticed we had no mutual friends. 

Then he messaged me, "How do you know Pete Smith?" 

"That's my dad. How do YOU know Pete Smith?" 

"We worked together in the produce department at Hy-Vee in Macomb 15 years ago. He taught me how to juggle oranges." 

"Yep. That's my dad!" (He taught me too!) 

But think about the chances of that... He worked with my dad NEARLY TWO HOURS AWAY from where we live... FIFTEEN YEARS before we met. 

~~~~~~~ 

For those of you who don't know, Mike is an insurance adjuster for a large insurance company. They employ 900+ people in the area. A few months in we realized that he had handled a claim of mine, four months before we met. He had no idea in February of 2018 that he was talking to his future wife, who he wouldn't meet until June... and I certainly didn't! But God knew. <3

Connected dots

I love the way God knows how to touch us individually. He doesn't just do good things and hope that

Lauren and me on

a zoo visit.

we get that it was for us. He's like the parent who makes a special trip to the store to ensure the bows on a daughter's birthday gift are her favorite color. It's a parent's way of saying "I see you. I know you. I love you."

With God there's so often that little touch, that special something that is Him saying, "I see you. I know you. I love you." He wants me to know He is doing something for me, not just for somebody... but for me specifically. Not just a family, but MY family.

About 12 1/2 years ago, not long after Lauren was diagnosed with Hurler's Syndrome, I met an incredible network of people who are also parents of children with Hurler's and similar diseases. They became my best resource and source of hope on the days where I felt like the whole universe was against us.

Not long after I found them, someone shared a beautiful poem/essay written by Emily Perl Kingsley called, "Welcome to Holland."

Emily drew a beautiful metaphor: If having a baby was like planning a trip to Italy, where I read the guidebooks and learned some of the language and packed everything that I needed for the journey to Italy, then finding out I have a child with special needs is like the plane landing at the airport and having the flight attendants say, "Welcome to Holland."

And it's easy, and even natural, to be angry. Stomp your foot. Say, "I didn't want to go to Holland. I

Lauren and Ella, St Patrick's Day 2019

wanted to go to Italy. I'm ready for Italy. I never planned for Holland...!" She talks about it being normal to grieve for Italy, but then points out that if the only thing I focused on is the fact that I wasn't in Italy, I will miss out on all the beautiful things to see, right there in Holland... windmills and tulips and Rembrandts... just to name a few.

Emily had explained it so perfectly for me. Your perspective is what matters. Look around. Appreciate what you have. It applied to so many situations, that I have shared it with many, many people throughout the last 12 years.

Early this year, when Lauren's Make A Wish wish-granters came to the house, I was surprised when she told them what her wish was. It wasn't anything that I had heard her say before. And I didn't immediately make any kind of connection. Only later, as I was sitting on my couch, contemplating things on my own, did I realize that the daughter who brought me to the proverbial Holland, was now literally taking me to Italy.

It's hard for me to share that without tearing up.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't believe that God made Lauren choose Italy for me at all. But, as a

Norweigan Epic - Our Cruise Ship

good friend once said, "God plays chess backwards." He knew that this is where we were going long before Lauren was even born. And, that Emily's essay would come to mean a lot to me over the years.

In the making of this miracle, God said, "I've seen you. I've known you. I love you."

And, just so you know, I don't think I'm special. And by that I mean He does this for everybody... you just have to look for it.

He sees you. He knows you. He loves you.

And He delights in showing you, if you're willing to see it.

My friend called it a game of chess, but I see a page full of dots... thousands of seemingly random dots. It might be years before some of the dots are connected, but when they finally are, the picture will take your breath away.

Rome, Italy

Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:29-31

Cool Enough

I once told a guy I was dating

we were only still together
because he hadn't figured out

he was too cool for me yet.

It turns out I was wrong.

I'm way cooler than I thought.

And don't tell me it isn't cool

to say cool anymore.
If it isn't,

I'll just bring it back.

I'm cool enough to do that.

-Me

The light at the end of the tunnel

I've watched him struggle both for and against independence.
Sometimes my heart broke for him.
Sometimes I was angry at him.
Each step was so. slow. and. deliberate.
"Just do it!" I'd think. "It's not that hard."
A couple of times I even said it out loud.
And while I never doubted he could do it,
   I often knew he wasn't ready.

Then one day this spring, after a breakthrough of mythic proportions,
he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,

Ben changed my life long before we dated.
It's exciting to walk with him as he
changes his own. I love this guy. <3

"I'm going to be okay."
"I have a future."
"I've never believed that before."
     and my heart stopped in my chest.
I still can hardly type those words without tearing up.

All those times I was frustrated to tears,
all those times I pushed him and he shut down,
all those times I tried to talk about the future
and he said he didn't know what he wanted from life...

It wasn't indecisiveness or him being wishy washy.
It certainly wasn't about us.
     He literally did not believe he had a future.
     He couldn't see it.

When you are in a tunnel with no light at the end,
     how far do you keep walking before you just stop?
Ten years? Twenty? More?

I'm so proud of how hard he fought,

even those times I didn't know if I could much longer.

I'm so proud of how he is continuing to fight,

     to be the man he knows God created him to be,

to turn that 'head knowledge' he's been acquiring for years

about exactly what Jesus thinks of him

     into the 'heart knowledge' he needs to move forward 

with hope into the abundant future we've all been promised.

While the scale isn't always as grand, everyone struggles with this on some level. There is almost always an area of our lives where we don't have a vision for the future. Maybe it's an area of your life that you don't even know exists yet.

Proverbs 29:18 says, "Where there is no vision, people perish."

The lack of vision can affect someone on a large scale, or it can affect a certain aspect of their lives. A person with no vision for personal finances, will see their finances fall apart.  A person with no vision for their business, will never see it grow. A person with no vision for their relationships with their family will see those relationships start to wither away.

The enemy works overtime to keep us from having vision, from seeing the light at the end of our tunnels. It's not that the light isn't there... he can't turn it off, he can only distract us from seeing it. And of all the the things Satan is good at, distraction is at the top of the list.

When it comes to vision for our future, there are a lot of ways to keep us distracted... pain, sickness, stress, and drama are just a few. One of his favorite ways to distract us is to try to convince us we are someone different than who God says we are.

Knowing who you are in Christ is the MOST important part of keeping Satan from distracting you, because while we may be temporarily distracted from seeing the Truth, the Truth hasn't changed.

Proverbs 23:7 says, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he."

When you start to feel hopeless, and you can't find the light, and you don't know how to fight... don't just remind yourself who God says you are... remind Satan that you know who you are... So that the God of hope can fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

What's your plan?

"Write down what your dreams, goals, and plans were for the last year."

I looked at the workbook page and thought for a minute before I started writing.

Dreams: To take my kids on a real vacation before Alexandra graduated, and to be in a solid, healthy relationship.

Goals: Weight loss, finishing my book proposal, growing my platform, buying a house, financial stability.

Plans: Survival.

I stared at the paper. 
Wait, did I just write that? 
I did. Wow.

When I talk to people about interviewing employees, I often share one of my favorite questions with them. "What's your dream? What do you really want to do?" I've said time and again that the employees who have a dream and a plan to attain that dream are usually my most successful employees. They know what they are working towards!

And yet, for some reason, despite some great goals and dreams, I only planned for survival.

One of my favorite Bible passages is Ephesians 3:20-21:

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

I KNOW God wants to do great things for me. I KNOW that His plans far exceed mine. I KNOW He is not only able, but He is willing... And I still planned for the bare minimum... survival.

This past year, I often asked God for help and believed He would come through for me. On several occasions He did, probably more than I realize. But looking at these verses and thinking about what I actually planned for leave me wondering if God didn't hope to bless me more, but I had planned Him out of it. 

Psalms 20:4 says:

May he give you the desire of your heart

and make all your plans succeed.

I do believe God gave me many of the desires of my heart this year in addition to making my plans succeed... but what if my plans had been bigger? What if instead of survival I had PLANNED on being blessed and amazed by Him? 

As I continue to work through this program on setting and achieving my goals for the next year, I am more and more excited about what is to come. I am planning on some huge breakthroughs this year and I can't wait to see how God makes those plans succeed.

How about you? What's your plan? What are you asking God to help you with as we move into the Christmas season and new year? 

Whatever it is, are you PLANNING on Him coming through for you? Or, like I have so many times, are you working on your plan for what you'll do if He doesn't?

Today I'm telling God that, more than ever, I want His plans for me to match my plans for me... I want to rest in His promises of hope, joy, abundance, and success instead of planning on the bare minimum. 

Care to join me?

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

I came that [YOU] may have life and have it abundantly.

John 10:10

The program I am going through is Michael Hyatt's Best Year Ever. It is only available for a limited time every year, but you can check it out here:
http://bestyearever.me/register/

I can't wait to see

I often say that I can't wait to see how God's provision comes through for one situation or another as I watch expectantly for the big "Ta-Da!" moment. When it comes that way, my mind is always blown and I love sharing the story with others.

But more often, the provision comes a little bit at a time, from all different directions. And while I am so grateful, I sometimes forget to share how God moved in those times as well.

In the last month, God's provision has come in the steady stream of new clients, the judgement for someone who owes me money who was able to pay some of it back, and the dealership who accidentally gave me the wrong tires months ago, that switched out my punctured tire (running on it's second can of fix-a-flat) in the process of reversing the previous error.

It came in a letter from the state telling me they need one more piece of proof of income so they can send that state tax return I forgot never came.

It came in the Neurosurgeon's billing specialist who said, "No, we don't accept your insurance, but just come to the appointment and we'll bill you after. When you get the bill, call us and we'll send you some paperwork to see how much our Community Cares program can help."

It comes a little bit at a time as I pass a sale at the mall or a yard sale down the street without buying anything... because I feel that gentle nudge in my spirit that part of being thankful for His provision is being wise with it as well.

I never know how God is going to follow through on His promises. I just know that He will. The tricky part is remembering to keep my eyes open for the how.

Our trip to California last February was amazing. I could go on for hours about the things God lined up for us and the ways He provided for that trip. I mean, really... who else could have arranged for five of us to fly from Chicago to LA on a major carrier for $600? Who else could have gotten the five of us into Disney for $150?

God could have dropped $10,000 in my lap again out of nowhere, but He didn't need to. He knew what we wanted and what we needed... and He took care of it a piece at a time.

God knows exactly what you need. God knows what you want, too. He has already promised to prosper you and give you a future. He has already promised to give you life more abundant. He keeps His promises.

In I Kings 17, we read about the widow of Zarephath. She had been told she was to feed a man of God who was coming her way. She knew she didn't have enough. She didn't even have enough to feed herself and her son. Yet, when Elijah asked her to make him food, promising her resources would not run dry, she did. The Bible says she and her son ate for many days afterwards.

While there are many things one can take away from this story, the one that I appreciate today is that God provided for this woman a day at a time. She could have given up the day before Elijah came, knowing there were only two days of food left. Instead she believed God would provide, and she waited.

You may be in a season of your life where He is providing one day at a time... which can make it feel like the provision isn't there. Take a deep breath and look around. See what you have and what HE has given you. How has God provided for where you are in this very moment?

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:31-34

What does God want me to do?

"I can do this," I said to my friend with confidence as I offered to handle her family's estate sale.

I had never done one. But really, how hard could it be? I own a business. I have some resources. I wasn't feeling God saying, "No." So I plowed in. She needed me and I was there.

I hired help and got to work. Sorting, cleaning, researching, pricing, etc... suddenly, part way through, I realized I was in over my head. In order to cover just my expenses and break even, we were going to have to have a heck of a sale. Still, I thanked God several times during the process for the experience, the chance to help out a friend, and for the confidence in knowing He would provide, regardless of the final outcome of the sale.

That "heck of a sale" I thought I needed didn't happen. We didn't sell nearly as much stuff as we expected and while the percentage I had agreed to was good. It wouldn't actually cover all of my expenses, much less any of my own time. 

Still, I had committed to the project and I chose to stand on my belief that God would provide in the end... even if this sale was not the way He did it. I also learned a lot about my own company in the process. The biggest thing I learned? We don't do estate sales. The second biggest thing I learned was that we can provide the services people need in order to ready a loved one's home for an estate sale. 

When I sat down with the head of the estate to give her the money brought in and the final numbers, she asked me a couple of questions, talked to me about some things I hadn't considered when figuring up the totals, crunched some numbers, and wrote me a check that not only covered my expenses, but much of my time as well. Then we hugged and cried because she was so grateful for my help. 

I had faith that no matter what, God would take care of me and He did. 

Commit everything you do to the LORD.
Trust him, and he will help you.

Psalm 37:5

It isn't uncommon to see Christians frozen in fear, trying to make a decision of some sort in their lives. They want what God wants for them, but they don't know what that is. So they do nothing while they wait for direction. In the mean time, life passes them by.

If God isn't providing a clear answer to your question, then ask yourself this: Is what I am considering illegal or immoral? If it isn't, commit your plans to the Lord, thank Him for His promise to prosper you, and then step out... JUST DO IT!

Commit your plans to the Lord. Ask Him for help and guidance. Ask Him to close the door if it's not one He wants you to go through, but short of that... you will not be able to experience the fullness of the life God has for you by sitting in your house praying for guidance.  

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, 

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Go on that date. Help out that friend. Make the trip. Try something new. Take a bold step. And thank God that He is going to prosper you... not necessarily in the way you hope or expect... but good things will come and you will be blessed when you commit what you do to the Lord.

God doesn't want to plan out every decision you make in your life. He wants you to use all of the gifts He has already given you and believe all the promises He has for you... and LIVE ... better yet, LIVE ABUNDANTLY!

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. 

I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

John 10:10

Goodnight, Princess

I've said to many people that every time something amazing happened on our vacation, it felt like God tapping me on the shoulder, saying, "Hey, see that? That's for you!"

Our day at Disneyland was no exception. We entered the park and headed for an area of smaller rides that wasn't busy yet. We rode the Jellyfish and another ride before heading the Ferris Wheel. We were having a blast, and our day had barely begun!


The food at our princess lunch in Ariel's Grotto was fantastic. We had wonderful service. The cast was wonderful. There were lots of pictures and hugs and smiles... and yes, a few tears from me. Every time a new princess came in, I teared up. The difference from where we were just four years ago... I just couldn't believe it was happening... meeting the princesses with my daughters.

When we got our photo taken with Ariel, she asked us what we were celebrating. "Family vacation." I told her. She replied, "Oh, spending time with family is my favorite!"

My quick thinking oldest child said to me (out of Ariel's earshot), "If spending time with family is her favorite, then why did she abandon them all for a prince?"

She loves Ariel... we all do! But I have to admit, it made me laugh out loud.

After lunch, we set off to find some more rides.

Every time the five of us stopped to look at the map in confusion, a cast member appeared and asked if we needed any help. Every time!

We managed to ride several rides that day. The squeals of delight from my children on the Indiana Jones ride actually teared me up. We rode Pirates of the Caribbean as well.

The big kids headed for a roller coaster while Lauren and I rode a smaller space shuttle ride and looked for a place to charge my phone.

Also, whoever came up with phone-charging lockers is a genius!

Left: Peter and Todd posing with Mickey and Minnie.
Right: Todd and I last spring, taken in Disney's Club 33. 

My brother, Peter, and our friend Todd (Executive Director of The Walt Disney Birthplace and our favorite Theme Park Expert) met us in the early evening for a couple rides before the parade.

The Carsland Radiator Springs Racers was definitely a family favorite. Who doesn't love Cars? We all could have spent a lot more time there if we had any left!

Then we hit Hyper-Space Mountain. Last time I rode, it was just Space Mountain. The addition of the Star Wars theme made me love it even more. I teared up a little on that ride as well, but I can't tell you if it was hearing how excited the kids were, or the Star Wars awesomeness. It was quite possibly a combination of both.

Ready to relax, we took dinner to the perfect "Light Up The Night" parade seats that Todd had reserved for us.

All of our favorite characters came down the street, lit up in an amazing display. The lights were bright and the choreography was performed perfectly. As each float proceeded past us, one kid or another would excitedly announce who was coming next. Everyone has favorite characters, but the parade was so great that our level of excitement stayed at it's peak the entire time.

When the parade was over, we turned our chairs around for a magnificent view of the castle and the light show that replaced the fireworks due to high winds.

We managed one more ride before hitting the shops. C3PO took us on a crazy adventure in Star Tours that all the kids enjoyed. Isaac later told me he loved the ride but thought it was funny they mixed characters who would have never met each other because they were from different movies. I hadn't even noticed, but these kids catch everything!

We were still in the shops when the park closed, and decided then it was time to go... not that there was really another option. Heading out of the park that night, I trailed just a few steps behind, taking it all in.

As I walked back towards the real world, I felt a little bit like Cinderella at midnight. I was exhausted, but it was a good exhaustion. I felt so blessed and thankful. My heart was full. I didn't have a glass slipper, but I did have some purple blinking mouse ears... and when I had passed by the final cast member at the gate, I heard him say, just to me, "Goodnight, Princess."

I teared up again right there. Thank you God, for yet another reminder. <3

He is so very good to us.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

~Matthew 6:26

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!

~Luke 11:13

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Interested in learning more about the restoration of The Walt Disney Birthplace?

Check out the video below and be a part of the project at

www.TheWaltDisneyBirthplace.org