Debt Mountain Update Month 2

Still 17.6% less debt than 2 months ago, but
it doesn't quite feel like a 'win'... 

As you can imagine, this last month was a busy one. I've written several partial posts, but nothing I ended up publishing.

Between Christmas, a graduation, birthdays for 3 of the kids, two mid-week holidays followed by my entire crew calling in the following week for illness or car trouble... this was a rough month for me financially. I stuck to a pretty tight budget for all the kids and family this year, but it was still rough. No big numbers or exclamation points today... just the knowledge that this month was a failure in terms of numbers.

Month 1: Debts owed down 19.64%
Month 2: Debts owed up 2.06%
(% of original amount of debt)

I have been able to take a close look at this last month and learn more about our spending and how we can do this better. Or at least how I would like to do this better.

Part of the problem is that I said I wanted to do this without making Mike suffer the consequences for my debt, but it turns out that if we aren't both working towards the same goal, we aren't going to be able to make any progress.

Marriage is hard and we don't see eye to eye on finances. While it was my bad choices that put me in debt, I'm now the one who cringes every time we spend a dollar that I know we don't need to spend.
Still, his lack mindset and my abundance mindset seem to clash constantly. In in the interest of not fighting, I often pay for things I shouldn't and don't ask him to pay me back for things I should.

I've also spent way too much time taking care of the household instead of my businesses. It makes him happy to come home to a clean house and to have meals cooked a few nights a week and to be able to play his trumpet with whatever band calls him on any given night. I like making him happy, but I've got to work on the businesses more.

I knew this would be a process when I started it. I knew there would be ups and downs. If I get my taxes done this week, I'll make great progress again next month. I'm having a hard time seeing how it is all going to be possible... but that has happened before and God has come through. 

Because God knew I would need a little encouragement, I found a couple things when going through paperwork last weekend. One was a copy of the $46,000 surgery bill from the time Lauren's insurance lapsed and it took 5 months to restore. It's a long story but it was a huge miracle when they decided to make it retroactive to the date it was cancelled, covering her surgery in full.

Second was a letter from the Illinois IRS telling me that they needed more proof of my income before they would send me my 2016 refund of approximately $700. I never followed through on that when I filed and when I called this week they told me that it was still good. I just have to send in some papers.

I'm looking forward to a better report next month... and hopefully several more blog posts between now and then. There is a lot going on around here besides the quest to be debt free and I look forward to sharing that with you too. 

Intentionality in depression

"You're not on anti-depressants?" the doctor asked.

"Nope. It's been five or six years. My depression was mostly situational and once I learned how to get my mindset in the right place, I didn't need them anymore."

He looked at me skeptically. My previous doctor had left town and I had to see this guy before I could get a prescription refill for my Adderall back in September.

I continued...

"I'd actually like to stop the ADHD meds too at some point, but not yet. I'm getting ready to leave for a big trip, then my wedding, and the holidays... there are a lot of things going on right now and I don't want to deal with withdrawals and learning to rebalance myself in the middle of all of that."

He agreed about it not making changes now, but seemed annoyed that I wanted off medication altogether. "Adderall is perfectly safe for adults. You could be on it another 20 years before I'd start talking about whether it would cause heart problems if you continued taking it."

(Imagining going through all the hassles I have to go through to get this for 20 more years was enough to make me want to quit right there. It's a fight every month to get the prescription filled!)

Then he suggested that there were things that would replace Adderall that had different side effects, and he started naming anti-depressants with built in stimulants.

"No. I don't need anti-depressants." He just nodded and let me go.

I understand some people need anti-depressants. I did, when I took them before. My emotions were stuck in a cycle of bad choices resulting in bad feelings which led to more bad choices. I couldn't get myself out. I couldn't choose to walk towards the light because I couldn't see it.

Taken from cruise ship as we approached Spain.
It's still hard to believe we were actually there!

That's not my life anymore, and I'm proud of that. Some of my early blog posts are clear evidence of the hard work it took to get where I am today!

Last week though, as I sat on the couch, trying to get paperwork done and staring into space doing nothing, it dawned on me that the heaviness that had settled on me was recognizable.

In the last three months, I've planned and executed a move, taken my family on an amazing trip through Make-A-Wish, had a wedding and a reception... there has been something going on all the time. I was always under a deadline.  Life is starting to calm down. Post-wedding and post-vacation blues are a real thing... add that in to just regular life stuff and it makes sense that everything seems so difficult right now.

I've been burning the candle at both ends for awhile, and in the process quit exercising, eating well, or really even trying to do those things. I'm tired.

Writing this post has been difficult because there is a difference between recognizing depression and actually sitting in it, analyzing it, and reconciling it with who I am now.

God is good. My life is good. Good things are happening! It felt almost wrong for me to admit I was depressed... like I must be doing something wrong. As much as this blog thrives on my authenticity, my brain said, "If you know you are depressed and don't have an answer, then you must be doing something wrong. This is your fault. You can't write about that."

The thing is, God didn't say we would always feel happy. He never promised that we would always

I took this photo from our cruise ship one morning

have the energy to get up off the couch and do our work. He didn't even insinuate that it would be my fault if that happiness and energy were missing.

He did tell me to choose joy. He did tell me to rest in Him. He did tell me that He gives me everything I need to deal with the ups and downs of life.

My responsibility in this is to live with intentionality. I have to make sure that I am choosing joy when I'd rather sit in misery. When I am feeling too weighed down to move, I have to close my eyes and choose to ask Him for help... strength, energy, whatever it is I need to get through the next moment.

I don't need to get through the whole day, or the whole week, or the whole month in that moment. There likely will not be a complete emotional turn-around

or the sudden rush energy, but He gives us what we need to take one more step towards joy, knowing that it will get better.


When I started typing this, I didn't know where it was going. It seemed like a long complaint about how I'm feeling. But I know I am supposed to write. So, I intentionally choose to do it, asking God for wisdom along the way. Not for a whole book, not for a whole month of posts, but for the next paragraph... and then the next.

And while you're reading the end result and (possibly) thinking these were words you needed to read... know that these were words I needed to read today too.

God is cool like that.

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times,
having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
2 Corinthians 9:8

Recognizing the bad habits

James 1:5-6

I'm partially through a one month writing challenge for Toastmasters, so I'll have a few more posts than usual this month.

Figuring out how grace plays a role in getting out of debt is tricky. In the big picture I understand it, but I don't want to twist scripture into something that looks good on paper.

As I go through the steps to get where I need to be, I know everything will come full circle and make sense in the end. It's another part of this journey I'm looking forward to.

I've purposely taken stock of my bad habits over the last couple of weeks, thinking a bit about how I built my own debt mountain.

Of course there are student loans and a car loan and lots of charged business expenses for my main business on top of the debt from two businesses that haven't brought income. (One no longer operating.) But there are also a lot of little things that have added up over time.

Fear of over-drafting. I can pull into a gas station, knowing I have $20 to get gas in my checking account, but still use my credit card, "just in case" I need that $20 for something else. Do that three times for the same $20 and even if you haven't used the $20 and can make a payment, you've got $60 on the card to pay off. I will do anything to avoid a $32 overdraft fee from the bank... even pay 27% interest on the charge, apparently.

Bad planning. I would have called it exhaustion before. It is easy to spend $40 on pizza or $30 on Chick-Fil-A when the kids are hungry and I'm just too tired. But the fact of the matter is, dinner happens every day of the week. There are few instances where kids are hungry and I didn't know that I had to feed anyone at some point that day.

Subscriptions. A few weeks ago I spent 2 hours turning off every subscription I had... most of them not even being used. Ancestry.com, Audible (I use it, but not fast enough... I had to use 6 paid book credits before I could shut it off!), Spokeo (used for a search for a family member and forgot to shut down), Amazon music, etc... I turned off $75/month of recurring charges for things I didn't even need and rarely used.

Giving. I know. This one will be difficult. I have a hard time not justifying giving to others with the knowledge that God wants us to be generous and will make up for whatever I give. I may still continue to give as much as I have been, I don't know. This is something I have to consider, at least questioning myself each time.

I don't doubt other bad habits that will come to light too eventually. I'm taking it one step at a time.

Some will tell me that I have to work hard to pay off these debts. I got myself into this mess, I should get myself out. Do the work. Make the sacrifices. Many will hear me talk about grace being what gets us out of this mess, and assume that means I am not planning to do anything different.

Really, it's a little bit of both.

It would be easy for me to ask God for a miracle and expect one through grace, all while continuing
my bad habits, or to rely on my husband's income to get me through while I continue paying down debt. But I know that doing those things does not help me learn how to handle money better and won't keep me from making similar mistakes in the future.

For me, a huge part of my thankfulness to God for helping me get out from under this debt mountain is making sure that I learn from my mistakes so that I don't end up in the same place again. Do I think I could turn things around and then make big mistakes and God would help again? Yes. But I don't want that to be the cycle my life follows. I believe He has better plans for me (and my money!) than that!

And by taking responsibility for my debt issues and asking for grace each day to help me not use the same bad habits over and over, I'm stretching my faith and bringing myself a step closer to those better plans.

In the same way, instead of relying on a huge miracle of a windfall to pay everything off, I need to make smart choices that open up the streams of income God uses to take care of and bless my family. I mean, I have two businesses for goodness sake. I definitely have the capacity for an increase in income that will help pay off these debts and give us future stability.

But, I'll save that to write about for next time.

Moving Debt Mountain

The hardest messes to clean up are the ones we've made ourselves. 

I found this while cleaning 

yesterday just before I got the call

I mention below...

Combine guilt with worry about the outcome, and add all the work that needs to happen... it's a formula that can be motivation-zapping. Plus, there is often the little voice in the back of your head, "You are just going to do it again... so why work so hard?"

Time and again God has shown me what HE can do if I just take a step back and stop worrying. And what He does is always just so amazing! But trusting Him for help can be difficult when you are stuck on the thought that "I made this mess, so I have to clean it up."

Even though I understand grace, it's hard to get through my thick head sometimes that God cares about what I'm dealing with, much less that I can ask him for help with it. When I do though, cool things happen!

Now I've got another one to give Him, and this one is huge...

Last week I said to myself, "I've decided to be debt free." and then I didn't tell anyone else.
I just kept it to myself and prayed about what the next steps should be. 

Side note: stop formulating your Dave Ramsey comment in your head right now. He's great... but what I've got going on here is bigger than that. I don't want you to miss the point of what I'm saying. 

I've decided to be debt free by the end of 2020.

If you knew how high the debt mountain is, or how small my shovel is, you wouldn't think it was possible. In fact, you'd be tempted to tell me to stop being illogical. And that's okay. You don't have to believe this will happen. Let me show you.

But if we're talking about being logical, I have to ask... what kind of silly person asks God to help them with things that are completely humanly possible?

Mike & I eating wedding cake. 

Some will assume this might be an easy task these days, now that I'm married. To be honest, my debt has been a point of contention with Mike since we met. It wasn't enough to keep us apart, and I love that he trusts me as much as he does, but I want to be very careful that I continue to contribute to this household in ways that keep those kinds of thoughts from even entering his mind.

Yes, I will have to cut back and plan ahead more. Yes, the month before Christmas is a hard one to start this. Yes, I will be cutting up most of my credit cards and choosing not to keep a balance on any I do keep.

No. I don't know how it's going to work out exactly.

Don't worry about me though, I have a plan.

The plan is... faith. I'm not doing this on my own. And actually, we have a plan. Mike and I are in agreement that if this is going to happen, God has to not only be IN it... but He has to do it.

God has got our backs and I have no doubt that the story that comes from this will be amazing.

Not convinced?

Let me share with you what happened yesterday...

While at Knox College, I was awarded a Minority Teacher's Scholarship that was to be repaid by teaching for 2 years in a qualifying school. 

Once I got out of school, I never taught full time and I didn't verify if the schools I taught in were qualifying or not.... I just needed to work.

Then I pretty much forgot about it because... life happened.

Sixteen years later that $6500 had turned into over $10,000 including interest. (Think about that before you encourage your children to take out student loans... those can be worse!) 

I'm telling my debt mountain, It's time to go...

I recently started getting phone calls that began with, "This is an attempt to collect a debt." The Illinois Student Assistance Commission (ISAC) wanted their money.

They said if I could prove I met the terms of the agreement, they may be able to waive some or all of the fees. The problem? I'm terrible at record keeping. And apparently, not all of the schools keep their records this long either. Plus, I was fairly certain that few of the schools were "qualifying"... if any.

One district, who I called repeatedly, informed me that those records are in another building and nobody has time to look for them.

So, yesterday morning I faxed what I had to ISAC, hoping they'd at least cut it in half and set me up with a payment plan. In the afternoon they called and said it was being marked "paid in full" and I'd receive a letter in the mail.

They decided to accept and credit me with all the days worked at the one district I sent records from.

Over $10,000 off my debt mountain, just like that!

Praise the Lord!

And that's when I decided some others might want to join me on this journey.

Are you ready? Every month on the 15th I'll share what percentage of the debt is gone... and eventually a number. 

Thanks for your prayers and support. 

 ❤ 

Despite all the parts of this that will be difficult... This is going to be fun.

The Catch

I'm a little behind in posting. I actually started writing this a couple of weeks ago. I'll get caught up soon. I have so much to share...

My sister posted this photo from her wedding, and I love it!

She is so happy and that makes me happy.

And what a memorable moment from the reception. It holds all the joy and excitement one would expect to see in the bouquet toss. It was a fantastic capture!

But, what stood out to me when I first say it was the confidence I see on my face and in my stance. There was no way I was fighting those girls for that bouquet! Haha! But also, I didn't feel the need to.

Traditionally, the woman who makes the catch of the bouquet at a wedding is believed to be the next one to walk down the aisle. The same goes for the man who catches the garter.

I've “caught” the bouquet before. The man I was dating at the time “caught” the garter. (The bride and groom gathered everyone and pretended they were going to throw them, instead turning around and handing them to us.) 

The “promise” of what was to come was exactly everything I thought I was waiting for... so my life would finally be right again.

I was a struggling single mom with four little kids. My dreams then included being married, being happy, and maybe writing a book one day. I don't know what I thought I'd write about... although, to be fair, I had a lot more time to write a book then. (Now I have plenty to write about and no time to do it!)

That relationship falling apart was the first of several traumatic incidents that led me towards my rock bottom. I blamed him for kicking off that spiral for a long time.

I was angry I had to start over after four years.

I didn't want to start over at all.

I wanted to be married so I could be happy again... and previously co-dependent me knew I would be a great wife because I would be whatever he wanted me to be. 

That's the perfect wife, right?  

Except, remember all the times here I've written about how stubborn I am?

Today I know that the stubborn part of my personality is an important part of who I am. I wonder how long I could have been someone's "perfect wife" before it started causing problems.

Honestly, today it amazes me to know how clueless I was back then. I thought so poorly of myself and expected someone else to see something different and convince me I was better. 

Oddly enough, that's exactly what happened... only it was God that saw different and convinced me I was better. 

I wanted someone to complete me.

God showed me I was already complete.

It turned out, there was no "perfect other half" out there waiting for me to complete them either. I found an imperfect whole... and we're working to mesh our lives together. We don't complete each other so much as we compliment each other.  

It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been "perfect." But thank God Mike is a whole person, and not expecting 

me to complete him. Who has time for that!?!

Don't get me wrong, if the flowers had come my way at my sister's wedding, I would have caught them with joy. But I didn't need to catch them that day... 

The hardest part about writing this post is that I desperately want this knowledge I've gained to help someone else. Unfortunately, I've been where they are and I don't know that anything would have helped me see this before I finally "got it." 

Still, I keep typing and retyping this, asking the Holy Spirit for the right words, hoping the right combinations will be a catalyst for someone's breakthrough. 

You are complete. You just have to know it. Stop walking with your head down, hoping people don't notice all your imperfections and start meeting their gaze.... daring them to find out how awesome you are. If they don't see it, move on.

You deserve to be treated well. You deserve to have your voice heard. You deserve to know that you are a whole person right now, this minute, whether you are in a romantic relationship or not.

You have been blessed with every spiritual blessing. You have the power of life and death in your tongue. You were chosen by God before creation. You are amazing. 

The catch is, you have to know it for people to see it... how do learn it if you don't already know? Ask the One who created you... 

Long before (God) laid down earth’s foundations, 

he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, 

to be made whole and holy by his love.

Ephesians 1:4 (Msg)

Even if

The mouse hovered over the "Post" button for quite awhile, although I had already edited it several times. I battled with myself... 

I don't post this kind of drama anymore.
  - It's not drama. People will understand you really need them.
I know what I'm supposed to do.
  - Ask for help, even though you hate asking for help.
I tell other people what to do when they are slipping into depression like this. Why can't I just do it?
  - I don't know, but what you are doing isn't working.
God, please fix this... 

So much of the time Lauren is a typical 13yr old.

The thought of seeing a neurosurgeon and 

possible spinal surgery is scary. 

I love this kid

Between a scary diagnosis for my daughter and an unexpected break-up, I was crushed. 

It was Saturday morning and I had spent close to 18 hours in bed at that point. Sleeping, crying, begging God to just fix it all, bargaining with Him about Lauren, and sending Mike messages, trying to get him to talk to me, mostly to no avail. I had barely eaten in 3 days. I just wasn't hungry.

I kept telling myself to get up. 

Go take a shower and be a human and leave him alone. 

I sent him one more message that I was going to spend time praying and try to leave him alone. 
I managed once to get up. I walked into the living room and turned around and walked back to my room and got back in bed. 

It is cold out there. My room is warm. 

Tears started again and knew I needed to send that post. I needed prayer and encouragement. I needed support from people who knew I was struggling. 

Friends started commenting on my post. One after another told me they were praying for me. Some told me how much I had encouraged them in the past. Others posted encouraging comments or advice.

One posted a link to a video.
I scrolled past it a few times... then I clicked play. 

As the lyrics hit me, I alternated between sobbing and singing. 

"They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now..."

That was me. Minus the stage. I started singing it directly to God. 

Then, as I hit the chorus for the second time, I realized something...  

"I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul"

This was the first time I had said anything to God in the last few days besides begging Him to fix everything.

Instead of  Heal Lauren. Help me figure out what happened with Mike. Let the test's results be a mistake. Let the surgery not be needed. Make Mike talk to me.  

I said "But even if You don't, My hope is You alone. It is well with my soul."


And as I said those things out loud, I felt peace. And then, God told me exactly what I had needed to hear all along. And I knew instantly why I didn't hear it before... I hadn't been listening. I was demanding. I wasn't praising Him, thanking Him for all I have. I was throwing a temper tantrum because I wasn't getting what I wanted. He was there. He was listening the whole time. I just had to stop throwing a fit and listen. I couldn't hear His voice over my own.

I got up and took a shower. Still struggling, but determined not to give in and go back to bed. 

I told the kids to get ready we were going to go out to eat and see a movie. They all agreed on the same place to eat and the same movie... which told me God was already fighting for me. I mean, that was a miracle in itself!

We had a really great time. The movie was awesome. We all laughed and enjoyed each other's company. There were no tears the entire day. And, when we got home, instead of going back to bed, I went to work. It turned out to be a pretty good day. 

Before we left for the movie, I had sent Mike another message. While I didn't understand what happened, I realized that I had a few things to apologize for and I hoped he would talk to me before I left for Minnesota in a few days... 

When we met on Sunday, he said my whole tone had changed in that message. He read it, and knew he wanted to see me again.

We talked about a lot of things... baggage we hadn't acknowledged before and mistakes that were made and how we should have done things differently. Best of all, we decided that maybe it isn't over after all. Neither one of us is perfect, but we may still be perfect for each other. I'll keep you posted. ;-)


Tomorrow I am driving Lauren 14 hours round-trip to Minneapolis to talk to her neurosurgeon and figure out what our next steps are. I still believe Lauren could see a miracle. I still believe the surgeon could say she doesn't need surgery. I still believe God can heal her. But even if He doesn't do it when and where and how I want Him to... we are going to be okay. My hope is in Him alone. 

What are you struggling with today?

God's got you too. 

Stop fighting with Him and listen. 

He might be trying to give you 

 the answer you are begging for.

Are you sure you can hear His voice 

over your own?

We appreciate your prayers for Lauren.

You can keep up with her at 

Facebook.com/laurend1014

Collateral Damage

I spent a big part of my life angry.

I was
angry at people,
angry at God,

angry at the world,

angry in general.
I often had
a smile on my face,
and something nice to say.
But inside was
a ball of rage.

Hurt people hurt people
and I was good at it:
a cutting remark,
a passive-aggressive act,
and every once in awhile
a volcanic eruption of rage
that sent people running for cover.

Always followed by an apology
that may or may not have included
how justified I was anyway...

I was in perpetual victim mode,

and likely caused some

collateral damage myself.

It was the revelation

that people are just people
and that their thoughts
and their actions
don't define me,
that started me on the
path towards forgiveness.

The freedom that comes

with that forgiveness
is unlike anything else
I've ever experienced.

It also taught me
no matter what
was done to me
I was responsible
for my own reactions.

I used to think my story

was full of bad guys

who set out to destroy me:
People whose only goal
was to see how high
they could climb
while stomping on me.

I eventually came to realize

that the only bad guy

in my story is Satan.

Everyone else is just human.

When that realization sunk in,

the amount of grace I was able

to extend to others and myself,

grew exponentially.

My feelings were hurt this week.
And I asked myself

what was wrong with me.

And then I asked myself

what was wrong with them.

And then I remembered.

Both of the answers are the same.
Nothing.
We're just people. 

People trying our best

to keep our lives from

spinning out of control

while causing as little collateral damage as possible. 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels,
but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
1 Corinthians 13:1

Only a test

If you want to date me,
and we've talked much at all,
I've probably asked you a lot
about your interests and activities
because I want to get to know you better.
Not too long in I will send you a link
to something I wrote that I'm proud of.
It will take less than 5 minutes to read.
You don't have to love it.
You just have to read it.
This is a test...
It is only a test.

When I wrote just a month ago about a new relationship that I was really hoping would work out, I was already seeing signs it might not. That was one of them that followed soon after. I sent a link to a post that was important to me, and I explained why. He still didn't read it. It wasn't the problem, just a symptom.

I mentioned that I was worried about turning my fear of failure into a self-fulfilling prophesy. It turns out, sometimes people are just complicated and don't know how to communicate well. That's okay. I made a lot of new friends during that couple of months and that is what I'm choosing to focus on.

Right after I told him it wasn't working out, I participated in a motivational conference as a vendor. One of the speakers there said,

"You have to surround yourself with good people. 

Someone can be good, but not good for you.
You will be too much for some people... Those aren't your people."
-Ingrid Beyhl

It turns out, I am too much for some people. For the right one, I won't be. I'd rather wait a little longer for him than keep trying to make things work with someone who isn't all in. Life is too short for that.

Thankfully, in the process this last time, I met a lot of other good people. <3

I told someone else this last week that with the exception of that fact that I can't seem to find a man who isn't a jerk, doesn't need rescued, or isn't some combination of the two... my life is pretty great right now. I'm pretty happy with how things are going. My bills are paid and work is flowing well. I need to find more time to write, but I'm working on that too. Most importantly, I know who I am. I may forget sometimes, but only for a moment. Then I remind myself, dust myself off, and keep going...

I'll be sharing my previous post as a speech at my next Toastmasters' meeting. I'm really looking forward to it! If you aren't familiar with Toastmasters, feel free to ask! It a great thing to be involved with!

I don't have anything life-changing or ultra-encouraging to share this time, but sometimes a post like this gets things out and opens the floodgates for something more meaningful. Sometimes I write things like this that I think nobody will get anything from and I hear later how much it touched someone in an unexpected way. 

One of the ways I remind myself who I am, is by reading this to myself... also, I have this new shirt I love that says FEARLESS on it... definitely working on being that more often. 

I can do it myself

The kind of pride that says, "I can do it myself." often makes life more difficult. But, when the "it" in question is something that only God can do, the results can be devastating... not only to the person trying to take over, but those around them as well.

The story of Moses has been my favorite since I was a toddler. When I was four I saved my banana peel from lunch and glued it to my coloring paper where the water and the reeds had already been drawn. I was devastated when my mom threw it away. 

I remember, nearly a decade later, hearing about people using clear shellac to make fruits and veggies last for decorative purposes and thinking to myself, “That's what Mom should have done with my banana peel baby Moses boat. Darn her!" I was still mad. (I'm mostly over it now, just in case you were wondering.)

Anyway, we know that Moses was born and adopted into the house of Pharaoh. He grew up knowing that he was Hebrew, basically raised by his own birth family. At some point while growing up, Moses became aware that he was their promised deliverer. Knowing that, he no doubt knew that God had set out a specific time frame for the delivering of His people. In Genesis 15:13, God told Abraham that his descendants would be delivered in 400 years.

Yet, when Moses came upon a Hebrew being mistreated by an Egyptian, Moses killed the Egyptian. According to Acts 7:23 he did it in the hopes of being recognized as their deliverer.

Why? Because He believed it was time to to start the process. He was their deliverer, right? They may not know it yet, but they would see it when they realized what happened. He expected to be able to do what He wanted, when He wanted, in his own strength and have his people fall at his feet, thankful.

It was the next day when Moses realized that things had not gone as he had planned... and he hightailed it out of town. Exodus 12:40 says that it was exactly 430 years before they were delivered. That is including Moses's 40 years in the desert. His own pride cost the Hebrews an additional 30 years of slavery.

I personally know that God did not want me to be homeless. It was never His plan and neither were any of the things that led up to our homelessness. But, I knew His promises. I knew that He wanted to provide for the kids and I. I knew that He didn't want me to be single the rest of my life. I knew that God promised to give me the desires of my heart... so I set out after them, in my own strength. I thought I should have been able to do what I wanted, when I wanted, and God's promises would back me up.

By the time I realized that things weren't going to go exactly as planned for me, I was stuck. It took

surrendering to Him to get me out of where I was. If I had not humbled myself and surrendered to God, He wouldn't have been able to build my business underneath me without me trying to take the reins and continue to do things myself. A quick look at the past has proven that doing this never works out well. My pride cost my kids years of putting up with men who were not good for us and six months of homelessness, among other things.

In both of these cases, the "I can do it myself" pride cost people big. Moses and I both thought we knew what God wanted for us and decided to help move His plans along.

As tired as I've become over the years of hearing the words, "It's all in God's timing." I do see that there are some things that can't be rushed. 

I've learned that the secret to living a fulfilling life when you don't yet have all you want is to enjoy the journey on your way there instead of speeding ahead towards your destination. God will fulfill His promises for you. If you watch carefully, you'll find out that watching HOW He does so is more exciting than receiving the actual thing you are waiting for.

The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.

Exodus 14:14

Only by pride comes contention, with the well advised there is wisdom.

Proverbs 13:10