Friend

It was strange seeing the marker board at the hospital yesterday. My name, phone number, and under 'relationship', the word, FRIEND.

Now, I understand the practicality of it. I'm his daughter's mom.  If something happens, I need to know. But the fact that this person who expends more energy hating me than doing any other thing has a sign in his room with the word "friend" next to my name was a good kind of weird. 

I prayed it was prophetic.

While I don't expect to ever be meeting him out for coffee and chatting about our day like I would with other friends, I can't help but want good things for him. 

Lauren adores him. If there is no other reason in the world, that one is enough. The joy she had when we both attended her musical last month and sat at the same table at an after-party was obvious. We even got pictures of the three of us.

There are plenty of other reasons, too. I believe God creates everyone with something to offer the world. What we do with what we've been given is our own choice. But, if you don't understand the loving nature of God and the grace He's given you, making the right choice can be difficult.

Hurt people hurt people. 

I wrote once about collateral damage in dealing with other people. I said, "you can't yell at a drowning man for splashing water on you while trying to figure out how to save himself." 

Sometimes though, that drowning man has convinced himself that if he throws enough water on you, the ocean will be shallow enough for him to stand. 

I fought that water for years. It took a long time, but eventually I learned that as long as I'm in the boat, the water can't really hurt me. It's just water. 

The grace that taught me that, also taught me forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing.

I hope someday he'll see what a friend I really am and how much love, compassion, and confidence in God's grace it takes to stand at the bedside of someone who viciously blames you for everything that is wrong with their life in new and shocking ways on a regular basis, and offer to pray for them.

For his sake and Lauren's both, I hope it happens soon.
I would very much love to one day not think twice about being referred to as his friend.

¹²My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. ¹⁴You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. John 15:12-15

Even if

The mouse hovered over the "Post" button for quite awhile, although I had already edited it several times. I battled with myself... 

I don't post this kind of drama anymore.
  - It's not drama. People will understand you really need them.
I know what I'm supposed to do.
  - Ask for help, even though you hate asking for help.
I tell other people what to do when they are slipping into depression like this. Why can't I just do it?
  - I don't know, but what you are doing isn't working.
God, please fix this... 

So much of the time Lauren is a typical 13yr old.

The thought of seeing a neurosurgeon and 

possible spinal surgery is scary. 

I love this kid

Between a scary diagnosis for my daughter and an unexpected break-up, I was crushed. 

It was Saturday morning and I had spent close to 18 hours in bed at that point. Sleeping, crying, begging God to just fix it all, bargaining with Him about Lauren, and sending Mike messages, trying to get him to talk to me, mostly to no avail. I had barely eaten in 3 days. I just wasn't hungry.

I kept telling myself to get up. 

Go take a shower and be a human and leave him alone. 

I sent him one more message that I was going to spend time praying and try to leave him alone. 
I managed once to get up. I walked into the living room and turned around and walked back to my room and got back in bed. 

It is cold out there. My room is warm. 

Tears started again and knew I needed to send that post. I needed prayer and encouragement. I needed support from people who knew I was struggling. 

Friends started commenting on my post. One after another told me they were praying for me. Some told me how much I had encouraged them in the past. Others posted encouraging comments or advice.

One posted a link to a video.
I scrolled past it a few times... then I clicked play. 

As the lyrics hit me, I alternated between sobbing and singing. 

"They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now..."

That was me. Minus the stage. I started singing it directly to God. 

Then, as I hit the chorus for the second time, I realized something...  

"I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul"

This was the first time I had said anything to God in the last few days besides begging Him to fix everything.

Instead of  Heal Lauren. Help me figure out what happened with Mike. Let the test's results be a mistake. Let the surgery not be needed. Make Mike talk to me.  

I said "But even if You don't, My hope is You alone. It is well with my soul."


And as I said those things out loud, I felt peace. And then, God told me exactly what I had needed to hear all along. And I knew instantly why I didn't hear it before... I hadn't been listening. I was demanding. I wasn't praising Him, thanking Him for all I have. I was throwing a temper tantrum because I wasn't getting what I wanted. He was there. He was listening the whole time. I just had to stop throwing a fit and listen. I couldn't hear His voice over my own.

I got up and took a shower. Still struggling, but determined not to give in and go back to bed. 

I told the kids to get ready we were going to go out to eat and see a movie. They all agreed on the same place to eat and the same movie... which told me God was already fighting for me. I mean, that was a miracle in itself!

We had a really great time. The movie was awesome. We all laughed and enjoyed each other's company. There were no tears the entire day. And, when we got home, instead of going back to bed, I went to work. It turned out to be a pretty good day. 

Before we left for the movie, I had sent Mike another message. While I didn't understand what happened, I realized that I had a few things to apologize for and I hoped he would talk to me before I left for Minnesota in a few days... 

When we met on Sunday, he said my whole tone had changed in that message. He read it, and knew he wanted to see me again.

We talked about a lot of things... baggage we hadn't acknowledged before and mistakes that were made and how we should have done things differently. Best of all, we decided that maybe it isn't over after all. Neither one of us is perfect, but we may still be perfect for each other. I'll keep you posted. ;-)


Tomorrow I am driving Lauren 14 hours round-trip to Minneapolis to talk to her neurosurgeon and figure out what our next steps are. I still believe Lauren could see a miracle. I still believe the surgeon could say she doesn't need surgery. I still believe God can heal her. But even if He doesn't do it when and where and how I want Him to... we are going to be okay. My hope is in Him alone. 

What are you struggling with today?

God's got you too. 

Stop fighting with Him and listen. 

He might be trying to give you 

 the answer you are begging for.

Are you sure you can hear His voice 

over your own?

We appreciate your prayers for Lauren.

You can keep up with her at 

Facebook.com/laurend1014

Designed to create

You won't see many blog posts out there on exhaustion from a first person perspective. Why? Because exhaustion sucks the creativity right out of the person who is dealing with it. It sucks the energy out of us too.

I haven't written because that's where I was. I'm out of it now and can write again. So, what happened? Was I doing more? Was I not taking care of myself? Was I just lazy?

I've learned a lot about myself in the last couple months and it has been an adventure. Looking back, I realized that it wasn't just the amount of stuff I was doing that caused the exhaustion. It was the type of stuff I was doing.

My business was good, but stagnant. The volunteer work I once loved had turned from creating light shows and scenes that set the tone of a church service to scheduling people and being in charge of processes. Lots of stuff like that. Boring.

I hired a business coach to try to figure out why I was burnt out and to get help. Actually, it was our first meeting, before I even hired her, that she showed me that I was designed to create... not manage. I suddenly felt free to explore other ideas for the first time ever... because I was doing what God designed me to do.

I had been going to live music shows and posting about them so other people could find them too... but I had been viewing it as a hobby I probably shouldn't take seriously. When I realized that I had confined myself to the boredom and burnout I had been dealing with, I decided to pursue something new... something that breathed new life into me.

Suddenly, it was a business. In 6 weeks I had over 500 followers (growing every day) and local bands and venues are working with me to get their shows promoted. Three months ago I was still too scared to walk into a music venue or a bar by myself. In fact, it was just about 3 months ago that some friends were late for karaoke and I sat in the car for 20 minutes until I was sure they were inside before even getting out of my car.

Two weekends ago I saw seven bands in seven venues in two nights, but kept to myself... not letting anyone know who I am. This weekend I saw 6 different bands and walked up and introduced myself between sets. People who know me, look at me and are amazed at the differences they see.

I've never lived outside of my comfort zone so consistently or so deliberately before. 

Some may see that and think, but what does that have to do with grace? Isn't this a blog about how God's grace changed your life? 

Yes, yes it is. 

And because I'm no longer living in fear of making the wrong choice or making God angry... I know who I am, who He created me to be. The world can put all the expectations on me they want. It doesn't bother me. I can focus on the thing He created me to do. CREATE. 

I've never felt more like I was made in His image than at this moment in my life.

Grace did that for me.

God created mankind in his own image. 

Gen 1:27

By grace you have been saved through faith.

Ephesian 2:8

I will put my laws into their minds, and write them on their hearts, 

and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

Hebrews 8:10b

Not a command, a promise

She stood in one place staring at the ground, 

wishing her glare alone would be enough 

to make a hole open up and swallow her. 

At that moment, she knew death was certain anyway. 

It wasn't death she was trying to avoid. 

It was the public humiliation.

The men holding her called out for the religious teacher

as if they actually cared about what she had done or his opinion.

"Teacher, this woman has been caught..."

She knew she was being made a example of

for some other purpose. It didn't matter.

"in the act of adultery."

Too humiliated to even cry,

She could feel her soul crumbling within her.

"The Law of Moses commanded us to stone such women..." 

Such women, the words sunk in. 

They might as well have called her garbage.

Even if they had let her live, she would be an outcast,
considered good for only one thing.

She was broken, and ready to die.

"So what do you say?" 

She waited an eternity for his answer.

At one point, she raised her gaze just a bit

half expecting to see a stone hurtling towards her.

Instead, she saw the teacher bent towards the ground,

writing in the dirt with his fingers

as they continued to badger him for an answer.

When he finally spoke, his voice rocked her to her core.

"Let him who is without sin among you 

be the first to throw a stone at her." 

and at that moment, she felt the faintest strain of hope.

The teacher continued to write in the dirt

as confusion swirled within her. 

What was he saying? It made no sense. 

She knew she had done wrong,

she knew the punishment that was coming.

she knew she deserved it.

But the men holding her there, began letting go.

They started walking away... one at a time.

She was still watching him write in the dirt

when he suddenly looked up and caught her gaze.

Without breaking eye contact, he stood up.

"Woman, where are they?
Has no one condemned you?" 

"No one, Lord." 

And Jesus said, 

          "Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more." 

~John 8:3-11 

Those last five words always stuck in my throat.

"Go and sin no more."

Many hear those words as a commandment. Sure you are forgiven, but God still expects you to work hard to keep up your end of the bargain, right?

That's what I believed.

I had heard it preached so many times... and I just knew I couldn't do it. So I didn't. Every time I did something I knew was wrong, the guilt/shame spiral that followed led me right back to the thing that I knew was hurting me. But I also knew I deserved it. I was shackling myself to those hurtful things, letting them define me and who I was.

The day that Jesus broke those chains for me by showing me how much He loved me, without any conditions or caveats on my behavior, was the best day of my life. That's why I identify with this story. I was never an adulteress by conventional standards, but lust, envy, pride, and more definitely had a hold on me... and I was never truly free until I found out that He didn't condemn me for those things. 

I believe the woman above felt the words the same way Jesus meant them for all of us on that day. "I don't condemn you for being human. I don't look down on you for not being perfect. I am not mad at you for what you've done. I love you. And because of that, I know you can do better."

And hearing those words, she straightened her shoulders and started the walk towards home. Not as a woman full of shame who would be doomed to repeat her mistakes because she called herself by the title those men had given her, but as someone who had a newfound freedom, knowing that nobody condemned her.

You see, "Go and sin no more" is too often taught as a command from God for excellence, when it's really meant as a statement of our freedom in Christ. When we know who we are, and what He thinks of us, it gives us the power and motivation to overcome those labels we used to put on ourselves, the ones that became chains that bound us.

Abusers, addicts, and adulterers alike can find freedom when they understand that Jesus doesn't condemn them for their struggle. I know I did. And it's not, as some people claim, the freedom to continue to sin as much as we want. It's the freedom to walk away from those things, knowing we are no longer defined by them. And, if we falter along the way, the freedom to get back up, dust ourselves off, and walk with our head still held high... because none of it changes who we are in Christ or what God sees when He looks at us.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.

~Romans 8:1

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

~John 8:36

I can't wait to see

I often say that I can't wait to see how God's provision comes through for one situation or another as I watch expectantly for the big "Ta-Da!" moment. When it comes that way, my mind is always blown and I love sharing the story with others.

But more often, the provision comes a little bit at a time, from all different directions. And while I am so grateful, I sometimes forget to share how God moved in those times as well.

In the last month, God's provision has come in the steady stream of new clients, the judgement for someone who owes me money who was able to pay some of it back, and the dealership who accidentally gave me the wrong tires months ago, that switched out my punctured tire (running on it's second can of fix-a-flat) in the process of reversing the previous error.

It came in a letter from the state telling me they need one more piece of proof of income so they can send that state tax return I forgot never came.

It came in the Neurosurgeon's billing specialist who said, "No, we don't accept your insurance, but just come to the appointment and we'll bill you after. When you get the bill, call us and we'll send you some paperwork to see how much our Community Cares program can help."

It comes a little bit at a time as I pass a sale at the mall or a yard sale down the street without buying anything... because I feel that gentle nudge in my spirit that part of being thankful for His provision is being wise with it as well.

I never know how God is going to follow through on His promises. I just know that He will. The tricky part is remembering to keep my eyes open for the how.

Our trip to California last February was amazing. I could go on for hours about the things God lined up for us and the ways He provided for that trip. I mean, really... who else could have arranged for five of us to fly from Chicago to LA on a major carrier for $600? Who else could have gotten the five of us into Disney for $150?

God could have dropped $10,000 in my lap again out of nowhere, but He didn't need to. He knew what we wanted and what we needed... and He took care of it a piece at a time.

God knows exactly what you need. God knows what you want, too. He has already promised to prosper you and give you a future. He has already promised to give you life more abundant. He keeps His promises.

In I Kings 17, we read about the widow of Zarephath. She had been told she was to feed a man of God who was coming her way. She knew she didn't have enough. She didn't even have enough to feed herself and her son. Yet, when Elijah asked her to make him food, promising her resources would not run dry, she did. The Bible says she and her son ate for many days afterwards.

While there are many things one can take away from this story, the one that I appreciate today is that God provided for this woman a day at a time. She could have given up the day before Elijah came, knowing there were only two days of food left. Instead she believed God would provide, and she waited.

You may be in a season of your life where He is providing one day at a time... which can make it feel like the provision isn't there. Take a deep breath and look around. See what you have and what HE has given you. How has God provided for where you are in this very moment?

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:31-34

The Gospel According to Google

Years ago, I read a book by John Howard Griffin who said, "Every fool in error can find a passage of scripture to back him up."

I remember thinking it was funny at the time. I even thought about coming up with ridiculous positions on things solely for the purpose of finding scriptures to back them up, just to see if he was right. Now, as an adult, I see that he was... and today it's even worse than Griffin likely imagined it could be thanks to the pervasiveness of Google.

With a quick search for a couple of key words, anyone these days can not only find a verse that fits their viewpoint and a translation with just the right wording, but they can zero in on that verse without ever reading it in context.

Some, like those from the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, use random verses to spew hatred... ignoring large portions of the Bible, while others focus only on the positive passages they want to read, ignoring verses about sin altogether. 

Still others are loving, respectable pastors and leaders who truly care about those they are serving. Yet, for one reason or another, they forgo the revelation that comes from studying the word, and spout Bible verses that only make sense within their message when read out of context.

Here's an example: Hebrews 10:26

For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, 
there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins.

Read out-of-context that is a scary verse for me! Believe it or not, I still sin sometimes. In fact, sometimes (often), I still sin deliberately. Don't you? 

(If you said "no," that was probably a lie... which means you can now say, "Yes.")

In the last week I have deliberately lied to one of my children, eaten way more food than I needed or was good for me, made a rude comment about someone who annoyed me, and have even deliberately broken the speed limit! 

And while I said "In the last week," let's be honest here... 

I probably did all of them, 

within minutes of each other, 

in a single afternoon.

That is a lot of deliberate sinning... and it likely doesn't even come close to the actual list of sin in which I have participated in the last week. Thankfully, I know that it isn't a scary verse for me.

Hebrews 9 and 10 talk about the sacrifice that Jesus made at the cross for us. We can be assured in these verses that ALL of our sins: past, present, and future, have already been forgiven. So, if future sins have been forgiven already, what sin could one commit that would be held against them?

What about the sin of rejecting Jesus and His forgiveness? Someone who does this, has no other alternative. They have received the knowledge of the truth and for some reason, deliberately turned their back on God. 

Why would anyone do such a thing? I don't know. Ask Judas. He saw Jesus in action and still rejected him. It happens, which is why we are being warned about it here. The point is that we should not worry with each and every sin that we may be in danger of losing our salvation, 

In his commentary on these verses, Andrew Wommack says, "Those who truly love the Lord and yet sin, however grievously, need not fear these verses. These verses are for those who totally renounce their faith in the Lord. They know what they’ve done, and they don’t care. They hate the Lord."

And writer Paul Ellis asks, "How can we interpret Hebrews 10:26 as a warning against sin when Hebrews 9:26 says that Christ appeared once for all “to do away with sin by the sacrifice of Himself”?"

While I don't believe most of the people who use scripture out of context mean to hurt Christians, it is important for us to guard ourselves against teaching that might do so. When you hear a sermon or read something that contains a verse for reference. Always take the time to read it for yourself and ask God what He wants you to receive from His Word.

He (Jesus) has appeared once for all at the end of the ages 

to put away sin by the sacrifice of himself.

~Hebrews 9:26b

The God I wanted to serve

It's no secret that striving to be a good Christian hasn't always been easy for me. As I've struggled over the years to be the person God wants me to be, I felt like a constant disappointment.

I believed that if He really knows everything from the tiniest of my thoughts to my stupid mistakes and right on up to my outright blasphemy at times, He's never truly going to be happy with me. Sure, I believed God forgave when I asked. I never doubted my eternal salvation. I knew I was getting in, but if the Pearly Gates were a heavy stone door, I was rolling under it, Indiana Jones style. Barely making the cut-off.

And then I encountered the Gospel of Grace. As I delve into teachings that I've never encountered before, and feel the Spirit move, I am blown away by both the simplicity and the complexity of the Word. Beliefs I've gathered from various friends, pastors, and churches over the years are falling off of my weighted-down shoulders and hitting the ground in a million pieces.

This (negative thing) was God's plan. *crashed*
Everything happens for a reason.  *shattered*
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. *smashed*
When you sin, God is angry with you. *demolished*
God will punish you for your sins. *destroyed*
There are still miracles, today, but not for me. *busted*
God uses pain and sickness to keep us humble. *obliterated*
God created this horrible circumstance to build your character. *disintegrated*

Read those. Do those sound like characteristics of a loving God? Yet, a lot of those are things you will hear in churches on a typical Sunday morning. After hearing them for 35 years, you'd think it wouldn't have been so easy for me to let go of those beliefs, especially if you believe some of them yourself.

Surprisingly, while there were some concepts that took time to wrap my brain around, it wasn't difficult for me to let go of these at all. Why?

A friend of mine put it perfectly. This is the God I've always wanted to serve. The one I WISHED existed... the One who wanted me to love Him without fear.

I wanted to love a God who didn't seem wishy-washy and didn't play favorites. I wanted a God who wanted my family and me well.

I wanted a God who didn't leave me looking at the Bible saying, "I'm never gonna live up to this." I wanted to love a God who instilled confidence in me as I am, as opposed to the nervous tight-rope walking I was doing before.

It turns out the God I wanted IS the God I love and serve... I just didn't know Him as well as I thought I did. So many things I attributed to God, and accepted because I believed they were from Him, were things I should have been fighting... because it isn't God who takes away, causes pain, makes people sick.

I could write on this forever, but I'll leave you with these verses. If you question some of the things I say God isn't... read these and the list of myths above and see which ones align with God's word.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; 

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
~John 10:10

He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Satan,-As-Deceiver#sthash.4SAmH4Rp.dpuf

He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Satan,-As-Deceiver#sthash.4SAmH4Rp.dpuf

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the 

Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 

~James 1:17

God doesn’t take back the gifts he has given or forget about the people he has chosen. 

~Romans 11:29

“Just as I swore in the time of Noah
    that I would never again let a flood cover the earth,
so now I swear that I will never again be angry and punish you. 

 For the mountains may move and the hills disappear,
but even then my faithful love for you will remain.
    My covenant of blessing will never be broken,”
    says the Lord, who has mercy on you."

~Isaiah 54:9-10

What negative things about God are you believing today that are keeping you from experiencing the joy that grace brings? 

Not afraid

An interesting conversation about grace with friends this weekend brought up the subject of our fear of God. Without really thinking about it, the first thought I had flew out of my mouth, "I'm not afraid of God."

I wrapped my brain around what I had just said as I saw the surprised looks on some of the other faces at the table. Maybe everyone should be backing away from me slowly, on the lookout for lightning bolts. Maybe the earth is about to swallow me up. I know God was listening. Did I really mean what I just said?

Absolutely.

This morning I looked through old blog posts for evidence of my previous fear. I know that I used to be afraid of God. Honestly, some of them were hard to read. One word kept coming up though.

Trust.

In one post I commented how God's love seemed a lot to me like the selfish love I'd already encountered in this world. (Love that left me broken, hurting, untrusting.)

In another post I made it clear I was taking John 12:25 literally.

Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life 

in this world will keep it for eternal life. ~John 12:25

I was totally scared God was going to make me miserable while using me for His plans... with the promise that "in eternity it wouldn't matter..."

If I could just endure, just get through this life without messing up, it would be a testimony for others to see and He would be happy with me... and that all mattered more (to Him) than me being miserable. It was exhausting. No wonder I was fighting Him all the time.

So what made the difference? Why did I stop fearing God?

The Gospel of Grace. Finally learning what grace really is and how it applies in our lives, I'm diving into a deeper relationship with Him and rising to the surface with a level of trust I didn't know I could have. Knowing that I am the righteousness of God in Christ, and that He sees me as perfect (in spite of my mistakes) breaks off the constant performance anxiety and fear of His consequences.

Don't misunderstand, I do believe sin still has earthly consequences. But I'm no longer living under the fear that one wrong move, action, or thought, will bring upon me His wrath or His indifference, the latter of which probably scared me more.

The word "gospel" literally means "good news" and the word it comes from is actually better defined as "nearly too good to be true news." 

A God Who loves me, and isn't watching for the moment I make a mistake so that He can move on to someone more faithful, better suited for His work, or who isn't rewarding my faithfulness with indifference... for a girl who has spent most of her life fearing indifference and abandonment more than anything, that IS "nearly too good to be true news." And yet, I am fully convinced of its truthfulness, trusting God more today than I ever have... although probably a little less than I will tomorrow. :-)

There is no fear in love.

 But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. 

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
~1 John 4:18 NLT

Don't be surprised

Every day is an exercise in trust;
trust in God and His plans for you and me.

It is so easy to decide what we want
and take steps to make it happen,
praying for Him to bless it as we go.
More often than not, the outcome
isn't what we thought it would be.

We can't say "God is in control,
but I have a plan." and be surprised
when things don't work out as expected.

Often life throws us curve balls
that send us scrambling, thinking,
wondering, and re-planning the future
without even taking a moment to
let God step in and show us what
He wants to happen in the situation.

Resting in His presence, without
trying to plan, fix, and do, brings
His peace and reassurance, calming us
and giving us a chance to take in the
bigger picture that we were missing before.

  
When unsure of our next step,
our best, most solid choice is to believe
He holds us in the palm of His hand
and sees us as more valuable than
the birds of the sky and flowers of the field.

Believe that His plans for you are good
and will ultimately work out better than your own.

 

We can make our own plans,
but the Lord gives the right answer.

People may be pure in their own eyes,
but the Lord examines their motives. 

Commit your actions to the Lord,
and your plans will succeed.
-Proverbs 16:1-3 NLT

  

If God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and 

thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. 

Why do you have so little faith?
~Matthew 6:30

So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God 

than a whole flock of sparrows.
~Matthew 10:31   

The lie

Nothing like a post titled "Fearless" to work up the enemy, right?

Yesterday morning,
after so long without issue,
panic swept over me.
Sitting outside,
laptop on the patio picnic table,
I attempted work.
To those who saw,
or called or passed by,
I probably seemed fine,
possibly even normal.

But frustration grew
as my mind was flooded,
with so many absurdities,
distracted from my work,
brain in a codependent meltdown.

What did he mean by that?
Why didn't she talk to me?
Is she avoiding me now? Is he?
Did I say the wrong thing?
No one situation, all random.

I stopped and prayed.
I searched through, read through,
and highlighted scripture.
Took a short nap, then ran an errand.
The elephant left my chest.

Codependent meltdown?
After having been freed from
codependency and proclaiming
myself healed to all who would listen,
how could this have happened?
I wrestled with it for most
of the evening afterwards.
Was I wrong about being healed?
Had I made a mistake somewhere?
What was wrong with me?

That's when it dawned on me
what was happening.
I KNOW I am free.
I can feel the difference.
What a fun game
for the enemy to play,
to try to cause doubt to creep in.

Satan didn't win any victories
over me yesterday as I struggled
with panic and and worry.
The only way he could have
was if I had begun to doubt,
if I had accepted the lie
that he was trying to feed me.

Instead, I recognized the lie,
and am spreading the word...

Satan doesn't find his victory in
a moment of your weakness.
He finds it in your acceptance of the lie
that you will never be able to rise above it.

Don't give up!
 

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are.

~1 Peter 5:8-9

Fearless

What would you do if you were not afraid?

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  

Isaiah 41:10

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:1

 

Perfect or perfect disaster

While I share my journey with others through writing, this blog started out as and continues to be a blog about accountability. Now more than ever I have nobody to answer to as I make my way through where I am now to where He has called me to be. I've come so far these last two years since I started writing... but I know I have a long way to go. 

Some things recently have been hard to write about, knowing people are reading... but I can't stop, and withdraw into myself again. It is when the only eyes I have on my thoughts are my own, that I'm most susceptible to failing.  

Did you ever have something happen 
that could turn out to be perfect 
or could end up a perfect disaster, 
and you don't know which it will be? 
Maybe that's the way it is with everything 
in life, especially when it comes to relationships.

We never really know, do we?

With all I've been struggling through 
over the last few months, I have to stop 
and wonder if I really have any clue what
is actually going on here. I have been 
so easily blinded in situations like this before.

Can I trust myself to see the truth?

Maybe God is answering some prayers, but
maybe Satan is setting us both up with 
what he knows could be the biggest distraction
either one of us might have at this point.

I guess if I stop writing, we'll know.

Distractions keep me from the Word
and not being in the Word is often 
what keeps me from writing.

Hoping for more, not sure how it will play out. 

God is calling him too, and I don't want to be 
what keeps him from following Him.

Praying for direction, and patience. 

Waiting to see what happens next is the hardest part.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
~Proverbs 3:5-6

Loneliness

I've fought posting this for awhile because I don't want this to come across as a "poor me" post. I am realizing though, that I can't be the only one struggling with similar things. I don't have an answer yet, but maybe part of the reason I'm still struggling is that I haven't written about it... God works like that with me sometimes.

Loneliness has plagued me
for several months now.
No longer able to "fix" the feeling
with my old stand-by salves of
drunkenness and/or sex,
I'm often at a loss.
Even if those were something
God would be okay with (He's not)
they don't fill the needs I have anymore.

It is of little comfort to know
that I'm not the only one.
It is of little comfort to know
that King David was lonely too. (Psalms 25:25-16)

God gave me a huge revelation recently
about my struggle for self-worth.
And while loneliness no longer represents
my lack of worth to me, it is still... lonely.
I don't fit in anywhere at my church.
I have lots of church friends,
but somehow I've lost my church family.
I'm doing church with people,
but not doing life with them.

A few friends have moved on,
my small group disbanded,
I let go of a few of those who
were not healthy for me to keep,
and I'm struggling to get past
the surface with new friends.

Lately everything feels like salt
being rubbed into an open wound.
People gather after every service
making plans to go here or there.
Whether I have my kids or not,
I usually end up going home.
The offer to help someone move
turned down, they "had enough help."
Several people I have tried to connect with
got together and formed a group
I'm not invited to... it's not their fault,
I don't "fit" in that group, and that's okay.
But it doesn't make me feel better
about where I am right now.

God has shown me during this time
how the old me would have settled
for a certain kind of attention from a few,
attention that I can still get if I want.
But that kind of attention, from men who
can't be bothered to have a real conversation
with me beyond a few flirty texts here and there,
has become increasingly unsettling.

I know the devil is using this to try to get a hold on me.
A few nights ago, it hit me really hard.
I opened my Bible and my eyes fell
on a verse in Ecclesiastes, "The dead
are better off than the living."
Really, God? Not the boost I needed.
Then I found another verse about
two people being better than one. Hmm, also not helpful.
After that I gave up, asleep by 9 that night.

I know God can use anything for good,
and He must already have a plan
for this time that I am in right now,
but I hope it ends soon, because it sucks.

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
    His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
    therefore, I will hope in him!”

~Lamentations 3:22-24

And we know that God causes everything 

to work together for the good of those who love God 

and are called according to his purpose for them.

~Romans 8:28

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, 

but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, 

against mighty powers in this dark world, and against 

evil spirits in the heavenly places.
~Ephesians 6:12