Debt Mountain Update Months 3 & 4

There's a lot happening that doesn't make sense right now. While I originally thought making the goal of getting out of debt a priority was going to be a great story about what God can do when we trust Him, it turns out, when one of the people resents being part of it, it makes the journey less fun, regardless of how amazing it is. 

Debt numbers do continue to go down... partially through regular payments, partially through jobs and opportunities that I wasn't expecting, partially through my own previous miscalculations (still waiting to find out for sure about that, actually...but it could be a decent chunk that I thought I owed the IRS that I don't.) God has definitely been in this.

For those wondering: As of the 15th of March,
we are at 67.5% of our original amount of debt! 

Our bills are paid and money goes into Mike's savings. He was given a substantial raise at work and they've put him in for a promotion. We have some work to do, but we're getting by. We are on our way to being comfortable for the first time in my life. 

His resentment doesn't sit well with me. Materially he wants for little. What he does seem to want, is justice: For me to pay for my own stupidity, my crimes, aka: my debt. On my own, without his help... meaning paying half the household bills and utilities at the same time. I already buy most of the groceries, and I feel like he's not taking into account non-monetary ways I'm contributing to the household.

Handing over money doesn't make sense to me. He too has been blessed during this journey. And because he wants for nothing materially, he basically wants me to give him several hundred a month for his savings account or to blow on things we don't need instead of putting money towards the debts that will affect our future. 

I know that we love each other very much... I believe we're trying to see eye to eye on things. So when something is so big we can't agree, I always say a simple prayer. 

"Change his heart, Lord, or change mine." By doing this, I'm asking God show us what we are supposed to do. We both know without God our marriage wouldn't survive. I do believe we are individually open to hear what God might be showing us. So I ask God to show one of us what we're doing that needs to change. 

And as I'm writing this, angry and hurt about the situation, obviously thinking about what it is going to take for God to change Mike's heart when simple logic isn't going to do it...  I'm also listening to the Sunday service online. This is what I heard: 

(Sorry about the quality. Streaming to screen-recording is even worse than normal.)

It didn't take much to get the message, even though it required a complete 180 degree turn around for me. Because by asking God to change Mike's heart or change mine, what I'm doing is giving up my own will, knowing that I might not be "right." I was giving God an opening to show me something I wasn't seeing before.

So, what's the message? I'm married to Mike. I'm committed to Mike. I am FOR Mike. If this is what it takes for him to know I am for him, then that's what I have to do. You know why? Because God is FOR us… and while it makes zero sense to do this on paper, I know that God is bigger than paper. 

Apparently it was my heart that needed to change. This debt journey has been about faith from the beginning, but the argument with Mike wasn't about faith. It was about logic and numbers. What he wants to do makes no sense to me, but what I want to do literally hurts his feelings, which means more to me than money.

Even taking what feels like a financial hit like this, God can do more, right? 

I have to fight the urge to be resentful about this or to let it hurt my feelings. I could make the opposite argument, that he should care more about me and our future together than money. But this doesn't really matter if I want my marriage to work. 

Regardless of what he actually does with the money, I'm doing what God told me to do... and I know that God is for me... not just me, US.  

God is for US, and He's not going to let US down. 

If God is for us, who can be against us?

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all

how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Romans 8:31-32

Six years ago this week

This is the time of year where Facebook Memories reminds me daily of how far I've come.
Six years and a couple days ago I posted about just being thankful to have any roof over my head and to wake up someplace where I wasn't afraid of what anyone in the place I was living was going to do that day.

Of course, the new place the kids and I were living was a campground and I had no idea what was in store in the coming months. It was just day one.

Things got way worse before they got any better.
At one point I lost all hope that anything would change for us... And yet, here we are. 


Some days I'll see the status updates from back then and remember what really happened that day... because I was too ashamed to admit the truth to anyone. Other days I'll just wish I hadn't re-read it because that girl was a hot mess!

If I could have seen this far into the future back then, I would have laughed and told God He had the wrong girl... and I would have been right. I barely recognize that girl when I look in the mirror these days. (That's a good thing.)

I wasn't going to post this, then my 14yo randomly said to me, "Can you imagine if someone had told us about our lives now back when we moved into the camper? We would have laughed."

Laughed. Cried. Run and hid. We would have done something!

I don't know what all of my friends are struggling through right now... but know that if I could tell you now how much better your life will be when you just have a little faith... you would probably laugh at me too.

All I can say right now is just hang on... and keep your eyes open. God has a plan, but He won't force you into it. So, when God puts opportunities in front of you... take them.

And when you look behind you, don't beat yourself up over all the things that pulled you down. Grace and mercy have followed you for a reason. Look behind you and see them there, covering everything else and be thankful.

I know some of you are thinking, "Kindall, you've done what you've done because of YOU..." And you are partly right. I hear you... and I LOVE that so many people believe in me and are proud of me.

It is true that I saw opportunities and I took them. Work needed to be done and I worked my butt off. Parts of me were broken and I went and found the help that I needed to fix them.

But I didn't have the strength to do all of that myself... not until I understood what God really thought of me, that I could be secure in my belief that He ONLY wanted good for me. That He doesn't just care about eternity, but also my life while I'm here... that He wasn't just waiting for me to make a mistake so He could make an example of me. 

Some people have told me, "You're just blessed. Whatever you touch works out." Haha. Not quite. But when you look at the things that HAVE worked out and wonder why... know that God doesn't love me any more than He loves you. 

Good is coming.

Believe it and look for it.

Don't be scared. Just jump in.

Something amazing is about to happen. 

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesian 2:10

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory!

Ephesians 3:20

What does God want me to do?

"I can do this," I said to my friend with confidence as I offered to handle her family's estate sale.

I had never done one. But really, how hard could it be? I own a business. I have some resources. I wasn't feeling God saying, "No." So I plowed in. She needed me and I was there.

I hired help and got to work. Sorting, cleaning, researching, pricing, etc... suddenly, part way through, I realized I was in over my head. In order to cover just my expenses and break even, we were going to have to have a heck of a sale. Still, I thanked God several times during the process for the experience, the chance to help out a friend, and for the confidence in knowing He would provide, regardless of the final outcome of the sale.

That "heck of a sale" I thought I needed didn't happen. We didn't sell nearly as much stuff as we expected and while the percentage I had agreed to was good. It wouldn't actually cover all of my expenses, much less any of my own time. 

Still, I had committed to the project and I chose to stand on my belief that God would provide in the end... even if this sale was not the way He did it. I also learned a lot about my own company in the process. The biggest thing I learned? We don't do estate sales. The second biggest thing I learned was that we can provide the services people need in order to ready a loved one's home for an estate sale. 

When I sat down with the head of the estate to give her the money brought in and the final numbers, she asked me a couple of questions, talked to me about some things I hadn't considered when figuring up the totals, crunched some numbers, and wrote me a check that not only covered my expenses, but much of my time as well. Then we hugged and cried because she was so grateful for my help. 

I had faith that no matter what, God would take care of me and He did. 

Commit everything you do to the LORD.
Trust him, and he will help you.

Psalm 37:5

It isn't uncommon to see Christians frozen in fear, trying to make a decision of some sort in their lives. They want what God wants for them, but they don't know what that is. So they do nothing while they wait for direction. In the mean time, life passes them by.

If God isn't providing a clear answer to your question, then ask yourself this: Is what I am considering illegal or immoral? If it isn't, commit your plans to the Lord, thank Him for His promise to prosper you, and then step out... JUST DO IT!

Commit your plans to the Lord. Ask Him for help and guidance. Ask Him to close the door if it's not one He wants you to go through, but short of that... you will not be able to experience the fullness of the life God has for you by sitting in your house praying for guidance.  

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, 

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Go on that date. Help out that friend. Make the trip. Try something new. Take a bold step. And thank God that He is going to prosper you... not necessarily in the way you hope or expect... but good things will come and you will be blessed when you commit what you do to the Lord.

God doesn't want to plan out every decision you make in your life. He wants you to use all of the gifts He has already given you and believe all the promises He has for you... and LIVE ... better yet, LIVE ABUNDANTLY!

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. 

I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

John 10:10

Don't talk about my child that way...

Last night...

I drop my oldest daughter off at work and head back towards home.

I'm about halfway there when she calls me, upset.

Me: Hello?

Her: I am the worst.

Me: What?

Her: I wore the wrong shoes and they won't let me work without the right ones.

She then launches into a defensive, yet self deprecating monologue about how they've let her before and it isn't fair and how she is dumb and terrible and etc etc.

Me: Just stop.

Her: I need my shoes.

Me: Okay. 

(Momentary silence)

She starts back up again... never once actually asking me to get her shoes for her.

Me: Stop. Repeat after me. Mom, I need my work shoes. Could you go in the house and get them from ______________ and bring them to me at work, please?
Her: I don't know where they are. I looked for them earlier but... 

Me: (Interrupting) Then try this: Mom, I need my work shoes. Could you go in the house find my shoes and bring them to me at work, please?

She complies. Finally.

It takes awhile to find her shoes, but once I do, I send her a text and jump into the car to make the 7 minute trip back to her work. She's waiting outside when I pull up and opens the door, reaching in to grab the shoes.

Her: (With a pained expression on her face) I'm terrible... I...

Me: Stop! Just say thank you.
Her: Thank you! I love you!

Me: I love you too. Bye!

As emotional teenager moments go, this was relatively mild. But driving away I thought how frustrating it was that she was so busy apologizing for her mistake and tearing herself down that she didn't ask for help or say thank you until she was reminded. 

I am human, and I get frustrated sometimes. I also will not pull her out of every situation she gets herself into. But she didn't even ask for help until I told her to because she was so focused on her mistake instead of the fact that I am her mom and I love her.

And all the tearing herself down, saying things about herself that aren't true... doesn't she know who she is to me? She's my child. Regardless of the mistakes she makes, I think she's pretty fantastic. Nobody should feel free to talk about my child that way... not even my child.

I remember when I used to go to God that way for help. 

I'd start off by telling Him how awful and stupid I was. I'd tell Him I was sorry for my mistake or bad choice, but then I'd complain about the consequences and throw in a little about how it wasn't all my fault, just in case it might make Him a little less angry. I was so focused on myself, I couldn't see that He wasn't angry at all.

I think about how it felt to hear my beautiful, smart, talented, highly favored and dearly loved daughter tear herself to bits with her words over a pair of forgotten shoes, and realize how it must have sounded to God when His beautiful, smart, talented, highly favored and dearly loved daughter tore herself to pieces with her words over her own human mistakes in the same way. 

Understanding who we are to anyone, what they think of us, what their expectations of us are, changes the way we interact with them on all levels. It decides whether we approach someone with confidence or trepidation. It determines how we interpret and react to their actions as well. It is so important to communicate to others who they are to us.

God knows that. That's why He provided us with written proof of who we are to Him. It's all in the Bible. 

Below is one of many verses that tells us what God thinks of us...

CLICK HERE to see more verses about who you are in Christ.

For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a mighty savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

~Zephaniah 3:17

As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.

~Proverbs 23:7

Who are you?

This has been a year of big changes for me, spiritually speaking. I don't think I could have a more different view of God now than I did this time last year without being something other than a Christian.

The things I've learned about God are rarely taught in most churches these days. And while I dearly love the churches I've gone to over the years, and have great respect for their leaders, I can't help but wonder why the things that changed my entire outlook on life, were not things I learned on a Sunday morning.

I've spent years believing that I had to act right to be acceptable to God, believing that I was spitting in Jesus' face, or trampling His grace under my feet whenever I sinned. I've listened to hundreds of messages that drove me to look inward, at myself, and how I should be doing a better job of being a Christian... how I was obligated to "do better" because of His sacrifice.

And I tried. I tried so hard and failed again and again. As I failed, discouragement would increase until, eventually, I would give up in some way. Usually not too long after, I found myself asking God for forgiveness and trying again. And while I never doubted my salvation, I always knew that when I got to Heaven some day, God would be letting me in begrudgingly, with an eye roll and a shrug.

Even when things looked good to the outside world, I was hurting. Early 2015 saw me in a struggle that made me feel like my best option was to just let God give up on me... because I couldn't get it right. One bad choice spiraled into several and I was so close to not trying anymore.

Oh, how wrong I had it... and I'm so thankful to know.

I remember one of my moments of revelation from this year. Joseph Prince said that either I was righteous because of grace, or I was righteous because I am doing the right things... works... and that I couldn't have it both ways. The moment I tried to pay for His sacrifice with works, I was discounting what He had done on the cross.

It was a light-bulb moment. When I began to comprehend that my sins: past, present and future, had already been forgiven, that feeling of obligation to do the right thing was broken. Suddenly, I wasn't obligated to do anything "right," yet, I wanted to... more than ever.

What a freeing feeling... knowing that God already saw me as righteous... that while I had been declaring myself "a sinner, saved by grace" I should have been calling myself what I really am... "the righteousness of God in Christ."

Over the course of the last year, I have come to learn that when God sees me, He doesn't see a sinner at all. He sees so much more. Below is something I put together that shows just some of the things God says I am... and the good news is... He says you are these things too.

I read it to myself often, saying the words out loud. Not to make them more true, but to help me understand and believe it. Romans 12:12 says that we will be transformed by the renewing of our minds. That's what reading this out loud to myself does.

I can't help but believe it makes Satan shake a bit... because no one is more dangerous to him than someone who knows who she is in Christ.

A better promise

More than two and a half years ago, I started this blog as a way to work through my issues and hold myself accountable for all the promises I was making to God as I tried to pull my life back together.

Promise after promise is what I would make, and ultimately fail to keep, over and over. I thought the blog would help me with that, make me accountable and help me stop the seemingly unending cycle of "Promise, fail, confess, repent, promise, fail, and so on..."

Look at those phrases that I underlined. I was working so hard... and still failing... because I didn't understand how to let Him handle it. I kept trying to do it in my own strength.

On some level, I really thought that
this is what God does! 

Not only that, but I was doing it all to please Him, to appease Him, because I knew it was "the right thing." He had been blessing me, and while those blessings were completely unearned, I continued to try to earn them... or at least do what I could to make sure He didn't take them back! My lack of understanding was holding me back more than anything else. 

As I spend more time with Him, immersing myself in the Gospel of Grace, I can't help but see how much I was missing the mark in my promises, because I was focusing on my part of the struggle. Thankfully, over the last several months, that has changed for me. I am learning that He IS the good, gracious, loving God I had always wanted to serve. I am learning how to rest in Him. I am learning to let go.

I don't always get it right. I can't promise you won't pull this up and see a particularly human blog post about "poor me" any time soon, but you can be sure that if you do, it's not because my trust in Jesus or God's grace has wavered at all... only my focus.

I'm very happy to say that, looking back over the last couple of years, there is a difference in this blog...especially the last several months. I'm excited to keep writing and see how it changes more as my relationship with Him continues to grow.

Promise after promise from one of the most fallible people I know (me)... that was often hard to write about. Whether it was all completely necessary or not, God has used it all for good, and I am grateful!

Promise after promise from a God of grace... that is something I look forward to writing more about.

If God’s promise is only for those who obey the law, 

then faith is not necessary and the promise is pointless.

~Romans 4:14

He made heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them. 

He keeps every promise forever.

~Psalms 146:6

God also bound himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise 

could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind.

~Hebrews 6:17

And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. 

You are his heirs, and God’s promise to Abraham belongs to you.

~Galatians 3:29

Out with the old... 

In with the new...

Not afraid

An interesting conversation about grace with friends this weekend brought up the subject of our fear of God. Without really thinking about it, the first thought I had flew out of my mouth, "I'm not afraid of God."

I wrapped my brain around what I had just said as I saw the surprised looks on some of the other faces at the table. Maybe everyone should be backing away from me slowly, on the lookout for lightning bolts. Maybe the earth is about to swallow me up. I know God was listening. Did I really mean what I just said?

Absolutely.

This morning I looked through old blog posts for evidence of my previous fear. I know that I used to be afraid of God. Honestly, some of them were hard to read. One word kept coming up though.

Trust.

In one post I commented how God's love seemed a lot to me like the selfish love I'd already encountered in this world. (Love that left me broken, hurting, untrusting.)

In another post I made it clear I was taking John 12:25 literally.

Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life 

in this world will keep it for eternal life. ~John 12:25

I was totally scared God was going to make me miserable while using me for His plans... with the promise that "in eternity it wouldn't matter..."

If I could just endure, just get through this life without messing up, it would be a testimony for others to see and He would be happy with me... and that all mattered more (to Him) than me being miserable. It was exhausting. No wonder I was fighting Him all the time.

So what made the difference? Why did I stop fearing God?

The Gospel of Grace. Finally learning what grace really is and how it applies in our lives, I'm diving into a deeper relationship with Him and rising to the surface with a level of trust I didn't know I could have. Knowing that I am the righteousness of God in Christ, and that He sees me as perfect (in spite of my mistakes) breaks off the constant performance anxiety and fear of His consequences.

Don't misunderstand, I do believe sin still has earthly consequences. But I'm no longer living under the fear that one wrong move, action, or thought, will bring upon me His wrath or His indifference, the latter of which probably scared me more.

The word "gospel" literally means "good news" and the word it comes from is actually better defined as "nearly too good to be true news." 

A God Who loves me, and isn't watching for the moment I make a mistake so that He can move on to someone more faithful, better suited for His work, or who isn't rewarding my faithfulness with indifference... for a girl who has spent most of her life fearing indifference and abandonment more than anything, that IS "nearly too good to be true news." And yet, I am fully convinced of its truthfulness, trusting God more today than I ever have... although probably a little less than I will tomorrow. :-)

There is no fear in love.

 But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. 

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
~1 John 4:18 NLT

Best drive ever

My oldest daughter and I were driving this morning when the subject of grace and forgiveness came up. I mentioned how it bothers me when people say one must confess their sins and ask for forgiveness to be forgiven for something. It's a common teaching, but not Biblical under the New Covenant. Jesus himself didn't require it in the Bible.

She admitted she's still trying to wrap her brain around that one because that's what we've heard for so many years. Then she went into a story about how scary it was, years ago during a youth group sermon (at a previous church) when the teacher told them all that harboring unforgiveness would keep them from Heaven... whether they were Christians or not.

I was horrified. "They actually said that? You know now that it isn't true, right?"

She said yes, but didn't seem convinced.

"You are thinking about the verse where Jesus says,

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15 

...right?"

She was.

I explained to her that things in the Bible have to be read in context. Jesus was preaching the law to people who followed the law... that's what he did. He wasn't giving that command to us who are no longer under the law.

Then I stopped and came at it from a different direction. "If unforgiveness is a sin and God won't forgive us for harboring it, then God himself is sinning by harboring unforgiveness toward us... right? Can God sin?"

Relief swept over me as I saw the light bulb come on for her. She said, "Talking to you about this stuff makes me a lot less terrified."

My breath caught in my throat. Terrified. Her word. I almost cried.

She's right. Reading that verse as a command to us today IS TERRIFYING. Why would a God who loves us so much that He sent His son to die for us want us to walk around in fear that we might not be getting it right?

He doesn't.

Jesus came so that we could have life, and have it abundantly. (John 10:10) He did not come so that we could sit around miserable, picking apart our every move and motive, wondering if we were going to make it in, wondering if we were being good enough.

We don't have to wonder. Here's the answer to that question... We aren't. We aren't good enough to get in. We can't do enough right things. We can't live sinless lives. We are not good enough.... except for one thing... GRACE.

Not grace plus good behavior.

Not grace plus forgiveness to others.

Not grace plus serving at church.

It was already given to us.

Nothing we can do changes that.

You know what that is to me? Good News.

After this conversation with my daughter, she told me that out of the friends she had been hanging out with the day before, she was the only one who can say her mom is also her friend.

Best drive to work ever.

 Jesus told them, “This is the only work God wants from you: 

Believe in the one he has sent.” 

~John 6:29 NLT

The lie

Nothing like a post titled "Fearless" to work up the enemy, right?

Yesterday morning,
after so long without issue,
panic swept over me.
Sitting outside,
laptop on the patio picnic table,
I attempted work.
To those who saw,
or called or passed by,
I probably seemed fine,
possibly even normal.

But frustration grew
as my mind was flooded,
with so many absurdities,
distracted from my work,
brain in a codependent meltdown.

What did he mean by that?
Why didn't she talk to me?
Is she avoiding me now? Is he?
Did I say the wrong thing?
No one situation, all random.

I stopped and prayed.
I searched through, read through,
and highlighted scripture.
Took a short nap, then ran an errand.
The elephant left my chest.

Codependent meltdown?
After having been freed from
codependency and proclaiming
myself healed to all who would listen,
how could this have happened?
I wrestled with it for most
of the evening afterwards.
Was I wrong about being healed?
Had I made a mistake somewhere?
What was wrong with me?

That's when it dawned on me
what was happening.
I KNOW I am free.
I can feel the difference.
What a fun game
for the enemy to play,
to try to cause doubt to creep in.

Satan didn't win any victories
over me yesterday as I struggled
with panic and and worry.
The only way he could have
was if I had begun to doubt,
if I had accepted the lie
that he was trying to feed me.

Instead, I recognized the lie,
and am spreading the word...

Satan doesn't find his victory in
a moment of your weakness.
He finds it in your acceptance of the lie
that you will never be able to rise above it.

Don't give up!
 

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are.

~1 Peter 5:8-9

Just a symptom

I recently started (and ended) a relationship with someone new. It didn't last long, and it is not the cause of the spiral written about awhile back, just a symptom.

I liked him. A lot. Our meeting seemed Divinely inspired and we quickly became good friends. It didn't take long for things to turn somewhat serious, for me at least. The problem was, we couldn't fully walk with God and each other at the same time. We tried, but we encouraged the worst habits in each other. We also tried asking God to show us if we should be dating or not, but we didn't really wait for His answer and we forged ahead anyway.

I ignored red flags and warning signs that it wasn't right. I'm sure he did too.

Over the last few days, as God and I have worked on some things, I knew I would have to put an end to anything beyond friendship, even though nothing official had ever been proposed. We needed a new, clear, boundary. Honestly, I don't think it phased him... which is why I say it turned serious "for me at least." And while that stung a bit, I'm proud of myself for having enough self respect to step back and mean it.

I'll admit I hesitated. I asked God, "What if he is upset when I tell him?"
That's when I heard clearly, "He is not going to fight for you."

Ouch. Not a surprise though.
Someone will. Someday.
He is not that someone.
Today is not that day.

Don't get me wrong. He's not a bad guy, just not the right one.
God has a man who is a better match for me out there.

Someone with good communication skills and clear boundaries.

Lord knows we won't last a month without them...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
~Jeremiah 29:11

Spinning

It's possible to have so many parts of a life in line with God's will and be completely out of line with Him in others. It's a careful balancing act, the enemy is tricky. It took one area of my life to begin spinning out of control again to realize just how far off I am today...

Today I am having
trouble understanding
how God can continue to
bless a woman who is
struggling so much to
understand, accept, and do
His will above all else.
Not because of the struggle,
but because of the many ways
I haven't bothered, the times
I've given up, given in, and
blatantly disregarded Him,
continuing to demand my own way,
kicking and screaming.
 
Spinning out of control,
I've come face to face with
a reality I've been denying.
I thought I had a handle on this
issue from my past, yet I've been
falling back into a familiar,
yet dangerous, pattern where
my will trumps His again and again.
I've begun praying that He
guards me from making choices,
because we both know where I am,
and that I won't choose wisely.

It's an embarrassing and humbling
admission, that He has to take my choices
from me if I am to succeed right now.
But worse than that is having God
sigh and say, "Fine, have it your way"
and watching things begin to spin out of control again.

I'm grateful that even when He does give in,
I only have to turn to see Him standing there,
with His hand out, waiting for me to realize
my errors, and turn around and reach for Him.

I know the way to combat this is to start with my thoughts. Read, pray, continue to ask Him for help.  

If you are reading this, I am asking you for prayer too. None of this is easy, but His will for my life is more important than anything else... and I need to remember that.

The mind governed by the flesh is death, 

but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.
~Romans 8:6

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
~Philippians 4:8

Shine through

Crushed by the loss of my best friend,
(the friendship ended, nobody died)
I've been reeling for days.

Oddly enough, knowing it's over 
has been easier on me
than the days leading up to,
when I knew that was happening
and was just being told to wait.  
Rip the band-aid off quickly
     quit making me hang in limbo.
Cruel, but not unusual punishment.

No fault was accepted by them
and not one apology offered
by the now absent friend.
And the fallout from the loss
has likely ruined at least
a couple of other friendships.
Praying I can suck it up enough
to not have to change the areas
where I serve at church as well. 

My overly emotional reactions
were blamed for the severing,
proof someone doesn't understand
me as well as I thought, nor
women and their friendships,
or what fear of abandonment
can do to a girl like me.

The most meaningful thing was said to me today:
"You do not deserve to be abandoned—especially for the cause of wanting not to be abandoned." 

The panic and tears overwhelmed me
several times today, forcing me to pray, sing,
or just out loud ask God to make it stop.
It. Make IT stop. It has a name: Grief. 
I'm so tired of losing, grieving losses, of being broken.

Reading today, He reminded me... it is in my weaknesses that His strength is shown. If I had none, then how would anyone see Him in my life? If I am a fragile clay jar, containing His light, nobody will see it unless there are some cracks for the light to shine through.

Well, there is another great big one, God... please find a way to shine through it. 

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

~2 Corinthians 4:7 

 

Defensive wounds

My youngest daughter's father wanted to talk about something. So instead of sending a text or calling to say, "When are you free to talk?" He was waiting in the foyer when my church service let out last night. I told him to leave and that I would talk to him later, walking away. Then, partly to keep him from approaching me again, I stood near a male friend.

Just standing near someone who, from the ex's perspective, I may or may not be dating, or who may or may not stand up for me if he pushed the issue was enough to keep him away for awhile. Eventually that friend had to go. So I tried again to get the ex to leave. He tried to start an argument.

My 'Boundaries' reading kicked in and I told him to leave because we were not talking then or there. He went to the parking lot and I refused to walk outside until he got in his car and drove away. I called him shortly thereafter and he refused to talk because it wasn't on his terms.

I think I handled it okay on my own. And to be fair, there was nobody at the church who I expected to step in and back me up. But it doesn't make me long for that any less... to have someone step in and back me up, defend me, tell him that he doesn't have a right to harass me. At the very least, silently put an arm around me and walk me away from the situation without escalating it.

It's something I have always wanted. Even when I was married, my husband wasn't the kind of man who would do that. There were times I begged him to defend me. He wouldn't. No man I've dated since would look at my kids or my mom or someone else who was being disrespectful and say, "I won't allow you to talk that way about/to her."

A few months ago I wrote this about my ex-husband and his wife:

While I have forgiven them for what happened,
it is hard to understand why God would honor a relationship
that tore my marriage apart, letting them find happiness
and marriage in spite of the pain they caused,
while I continue to struggle on my own. (-Not about the boy)

A few days later, my ex-husband showed me the blog post and told me that someone had sent it to him. I don't know who it was, nor do I care. For the record, I had every intention of getting my husband back... of putting my family back together. But what he had with her at the time was new and fun, with no stress, no baggage, nothing that required anything of him... just an eighteen year old girl who hung on his every word and wrote him love notes and put them on his fridge where his wife could see them. So yes, that relationship tore my marriage apart... 

What does that have to do with this post today?

He saw a blog post that, in his mind, called his wife a homewrecker. So he drove to my house, and stood in my kitchen, and defended her honor.

He defended her honor to me.
 
I tried to emphasize the most ridiculous, hurtful parts of that sentence... "He defended her honor to me." But there was no way to pick it apart. Take from that what you will. I took a lot of things from it. None of them good.

As much as I often wish I had someone to defend me to others, sometimes I need someone to defend me to me...

For all the times and ways God has used me, even recently, despite all my failings, you'd think I'd have more positive things to say... I mean, I know things have to get better. They are going to turn around. I'm going to have something positive to say again soon, I'm sure. Maybe even tomorrow. But I can't see it today.

Fighting for new

Just because I'm a new creation,
forgiven, freed and loved, doesn't
mean breaking out of old patterns
is any easier for me than before.
I'm still a human, broken girl
who has trouble making sense of
the world around her, fighting
each step of the way to embrace "new."

When one ex-turned-friend, not D,
sent inappropriate texts last week,
it took me a couple of days
to tell him to please stop.
In fact, just hours before I stopped it,
I had formed a plan in my mind
to follow through on the things he
suggested might be fun to try again.

But, in my heart I knew that simply
attempting to fulfill the longing to be
wanted, touched, and held would
not truly fulfill the real desire
to be loved, honored, cherished.
I could be feeling shame right now
that I was weak in the moment,
but I gave God the chance to step in
and He helped me make a way out.

The Bible says thinking is as bad as doing.
Stopping at that logic, there is no point in resisting.
Instead I choose to see this as another step
to a real victory over my deceitful mind and will.

Don't give up. Don't give in.
Eventually it will get better. 
God's got this, I have to believe.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. 

And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 

~1 Cor. 10:13

I've heard that voice before

Years ago I was in a relationship that wasn't working. Still, I sincerely thought J and I were going to get married. So, the day he walked into my house and broke it off, accusing me of something I didn't do, I was shocked. I followed him back to his house, trying to prove him wrong.

I cried and begged and pleaded for him to listen to me, tried to prove I hadn't been talking to the person he had forbidden me to have contact with several months before. I don't remember most of what I said. I do remember that at some point, I collapsed into a sobbing heap on the entryway floor. My whole body was shaking and I was ready to throw up any second. Then, all of the sudden, I heard a voice in my head. (Don't worry, it wasn't a psychotic break... it was my own voice...)

I said, "You are miserable. You fight all the time. This is your chance to walk away. This is not what you want for your life."

The next thing I know, I had walked out the door and gone home. I then deliberately sabotaged any chance we had at getting back together by actually calling the person he had forbidden me to contact. A few days later, the banned person had asked for a ride somewhere and I said okay. J saw him in my van. The look on J's face made me wonder if I had done the wrong thing. I was immediately terrified. I was officially alone again. I called him, emailed him, sent texts, randomly tried to chat with him. I made a lot really poor decisions, many of which I blamed on him.

Two months later I went out with friends one night and, after the bars closed, they dropped me off at home. I remember walking in my front door. Next I remember standing on his front porch and hearing him say, "Stay right there. I'm calling the police." I was three of the five blocks home before they made it to his house and he pointed them in my direction. The officer didn't approach me on the sidewalk. He just asked from the street where my home was and if I was going there. I said yes, and I did.

The next time I had a weekend with no kids, the friends who had dropped me off before thought it would be a good idea for me to stay with them instead of going home... to keep me out of trouble. That was the last time I hung out with those friends because that was the night that she slept in one room while I said, "No." to him in another and my 'No' was ignored.

Who did I turn to for comfort after this happened? The man who had been my best friend for nearly four years, J. His response was, "You got what you deserved."

His comments should have been a confirmation to me that I had been right when I walked away. Instead, his rejection of me spurred me to convince him we should be together. It was two years before I quit trying to talk to him... all the while I let my life spin out of control. I've mentioned here that I have a hard time letting go sometimes right? Yeah, thought so.

So, what reminded me of all of this tonight?

D is leaving in the next few days, moving out of state. We have been 'just friends' for quite awhile now, but his definition of 'friends' changes from time to time (sometimes from minute to minute) and it has been more than a little confusing for my heart and my mind. 

A couple of times this week I have had melt-downs where I just had to shut myself in my room and cry until I was out of tears. Sometimes I think he stops by and talks about packing and leaving just to make me cry. I'm supposed to be helping him with one of his classes via the internet this fall, and he promises we will Skype, and he'll come visit at Christmas when he's in town to see his mom. I've already been told what I'm making for dinner when he comes over.

But today, when I started to fall apart after getting a text from him about the class I'm supposed to help him with, and again later while I was putting together some photos I'd gathered for him, I heard a familiar voice in my head. "Why are you doing this? He has proven he does not really care about you. You are miserable when he is around. You have to fight all the time for respect. This is not what you want for your life. This is not what God wants for your life. Move on."

Holding on has not served me well in the past. The voice was right before, and I ignored it. Tonight I am asking for grace and help and direction as I fight to be the girl I am supposed to be, instead of continually slipping back into the patterns of that girl God saved me from being.

How many times has He saved me from myself? More than I can count. I'm thankful tonight that He isn't giving up on me.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. 

~Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

 I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms. 

~Ephesians 1:19-20

Self respect vs him

I've admitted to knowing that my relationship with D is unhealthy.
When I'm unavailable due to distance or emotion, he tends to try harder.
When I come around emotionally or when he gets back into town from a trip,
he is suddenly no longer interested in spending time or even talking to me.

I've been working on coming to terms with this weird push-pull.
 
While we haven't been dating over the last several months,
I wanted to believe something was there over these last weeks.
I wanted to believe all the best in him that I knew I had seen.
I wanted to believe that D and I would work, were PTSD not involved.

I hope I can truly say that this particular roller-coaster ride is over.

It is not uncommon for people in my life to tell me they will do something
but not follow through for one reason or another. Often waiting until
the very last moment, or beyond, to cancel or make an excuse for backing out.
Over the last year the lack of respect in this has become increasingly irritating.

Still, every time D did it, I made an excuse for him, PTSD. Even upset, I let it go.

He's been doing it more and more lately, then flashing a smile and asking
me to forgive him as though he had no control over the circumstances.
This afternoon he tried it again, this time cutting an entire evening of plans
down to what would amount to an hour on Friday for a quick dinner.

I told him that if I'm not important enough to make time for, then to forget it.

I truly think he thought he would call my bluff by saying, "Forget it then."
I told him "Thanks for letting me know." I'm sure he was waiting for more.
I started to tear up and then I told myself, this has nothing to do with you.
He has proven himself not worth my time and energy any longer.

As I told a friend, "That could change in 10 minutes..." but it hasn't yet.

I think that when he realizes I really am upset enough to not care anymore
he will try to get back into my good graces. That's how this game is played.
I pray I have the strength to resist. I pray God takes my feelings for him
and tosses them deep into the sea, leaving them there, on the ocean floor.

In the battle of self-respect vs a man's attention there should be a no contest.

Should be no contest.  Those are some very important words there.
Does that mean he won't try again? No. Does that mean I wont fail? No.
But to get back to that healthier person I thought I was a few months ago
I am going to have to try harder than I have been, and be more determined.

Prayer changes things. I know this. Please pray for me. With God I know I can do this.

Pray for us, for our conscience is clear and we want to live honorably in everything we do.
~Hebrews 13:18

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. 

~Proverbs 31:25

Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a good conscience, desiring to conduct ourselves honorably in all things - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Self-Respect#sthash.ss31L6We.dpuf

Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a good conscience, desiring to conduct ourselves honorably in all things - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Self-Respect#sthash.ss31L6We.dpuf

Second thoughts

For the last several months I've continued to pray for D
to be healed of his PTSD by praying through a model prayer
designed by a pastor who specializes in such a thing.
It was written to be prayed WITH him, but he just isn't ready.

Today I began to wonder why God can't just do that for me.
Have I not asked? Not asked in the right way? Not enough times?
Am I really believing in God's healing ability for someone else
but deciding I must need some other kind of intervention
in the form of the antidepressants I talked about yesterday?

Earlier today I saw myself on my knees, in my room
praying for this, begging God to not let me have to go back on these pills.
Yet tonight, all alone at home, I'm writing instead, and watching TV.

And I'm frustrated that D won't let God help him?
I might understand a little better than even I realized.


Still not sure what God wants me to do.
Heard a radio spot this morning that I thought might have been for me.
But then, why am I sitting here typing, well past midnight?

Fear? Doubt? Likely a lot of both.

Is it really easier to pop a pill that makes me very sick,
in the hopes that eventually I will feel better
than it is to ask God to heal me? Maybe.
Easier than trusting Him to do it? Definitely.

Not my will?

I've had a really hard time lately with a lot of things.
I can go through them all, one by one,
and give you the ups and downs
that I haven't written about for awhile,
but most of it really comes down to one thing...

Yup. Still mad.

Still grieving over what was supposed to be.
Still trying to figure out how to follow God
and do all He says and bring others to Him
with all He has given me even though 
He won't give me the one thing
that I most want in this life right now.

I've heard the sermons again and again.
I heard it three times this weekend even...
makes me think God is trying to tell me something.

Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life 

in this world will keep it for eternal life. ~John 12:25

The things we cling the most tightly to
are the things that we will lose.
While the things we let God have control of
are the things we will gain in eternity.


The visiting pastor today said,
"You take everything you want for your life
and you go to God and say, Here, take this,
I want what you want. That stuff doesn't matter."
Then he said, "It's that easy."

Easy? If it was easy then I would've done it long ago.
I thought I did, really. I thought I gave it up already.
I've written about this life not being about me.
I was giving Him what He wanted... and even that wasn't easy.

In truth, I was doing what I had to do to get what I want.
In truth, I know what a selfish person I am.
In truth, I'm too scared to be anything else.
If I don't take care of me, if I don't fight for myself, nobody will.

     Not even God, Who has made it clear that He does what's best for His kingdom
     and I shouldn't worry because eventually I'll be happy... even if it's not until eternity.

How is accepting that easy?
I guess I do agree that it is easy
to say, "I want Your will, not mine."
The difficult part is meaning it.

Right now, in this area of my life,
to say that would be lying to God.

Unfortunately being omniscient makes
Him really good at knowing
if we are telling the truth or not.
And I don't know how to make
"I want Your will, not mine" not a lie.

There's always the chance that His will in this is actually pretty similar to mine...
But that requires a level of trust that I don't have... and I don't know how to get it.
Because my biggest fear is that forcing me to accept being alone forever and me being okay with it is a much better story for Him than just giving me what I've always wanted all along anyway.

I don't know how to be okay with that.

I don't know

There are more half-written, unpublished blog posts languishing in blogger purgatory than I can count right now. I think I hear God speaking to me, I start to write, and the things I am thinking don't make sense on paper... and I've totally lost the point of whatever I thought He was saying.


I don't know how to be real right now.
I don't know how to be inspirational right now.
I don't know how to be encouraging right now.
I don't know how to be me right now.
Probably because I feel like there are two very distinct people here.
The person I am and the person I am supposed to be.
I thought I knew how to bridge the gap, but now I'm not so sure.

I can make all the good choices I want, try to do the right things, but if the inside doesn't change, then I'm just playing a game.
I don't feel different today. I don't feel changed.
The only real change I see is that I actually care that there is a difference between acting changed and being changed... and that it is killing me to feel like I'm the former. Fake it til you make it, right? But most of the time I feel like I'm just waiting for everyone to figure out that I'm a fraud.

I know whatever change needs to be made, He can do. But He hasn't. I don't know if God is making me wait for something or if He is waiting for me to do something.

Exhausted by the waiting and the not knowing, but plodding along anyway, certain there is a plan.
 It was good to know that I am not the only who feels this way...

Yep.
And frankly, I'm really tired of painful.

Yet another post that's all over the place and makes little sense to most people, but I'm out of energy for thinking or writing or anything but sleeping...

Still moving along

I have come a long way
in the last couple of years,
I really do know this.
That doesn't mean circumstances
don't deflate me at times.
I'm human, and it turns out
I don't actually have
any amazing super powers!
I was discussing with a friend
why some things don't seem
to be going my way...
feeling like I must be
doing something wrong,
but I don't really know what,
when I got a phone call.
The caller said she heard
what a great speaker I am
and asked me to come speak
to her group in September.
In the middle of feeling frustrated,
God reminded me, yet again,
that I don't have to have become perfect,
or know everything
for Him to use me to reach others.

It doesn't mean the situations
I am dealing with are fixed.
I don't feel better about them.
I don't know why God isn't
taking control, fixing me or
telling me how to fix myself.
But I also know His plans for me
are not at a standstill while
He waits for me to figure it all out.