Where was God when...

I stood in the Walgreen's parking lot holding the hand of a homeless man, Joe, our heads bowed in prayer.

"God, You know the plans You have for Joe and what a great guy He is. Please help Joe remember that You are fighting for him and that You have a better plan for him than this. Lord..."

All of the sudden there was loud bang and we both looked up in surprise. Half a block away was a car accident, in the middle of a busy street. One man was rear-ended into an electrical pole. I called the police and Joe ran towards the accident. He told the driver who hit the pole to stay in the car, but the driver was too dazed to understand and climbed out anyway.

Trying to prevent a secondary accident, Joe ran down the road another hundred feet or so and started waving cars into the only open lane. He even stepped out into the street, to make sure that people understood they needed to move over.

When the police and fire arrived we headed back toward my parked car and his temporarily abandoned backpack.

As I turned to go Joe said, "I sure hope that accident wasn't our fault..."

I must have looked confused... "Our fault?"

Joe continued... "We kind of distracted God for a minute."

Have you ever had something bad happen to you, or seen something bad happening to someone else and wondered where God was in that moment? Why would He let this happen?

Many people will misquote Romans 8:28 and say that the horrible thing "happened for a reason" or that God wanted us to learn a lesson from it. I can assure you that isn't true.

It is Satan who comes to steal, kill, and destroy.
Jesus came that we could have life more abundantly!

God will work all those things together for the good of those who are following Him, but he does not make bad things happen, or even "allow" bad things to happen in order to make something good happen.

God didn't give you cancer or cause you to get laid off. He didn't give you depression so you could learn from it. Most importantly, He didn't kill that person you love, who you still miss every day.

I absolutely believe that when something bad happens to us, God's heart breaks too.

He doesn't want to see us suffering... but He gave humans free will, and we often use it to make bad choices that affect us and others. That's not God trying to teach us something... that's Satan fighting to steal, kill, and destroy.

God Who has numbered every hair on our head, Who knew us before we were formed in the womb, Who rejoices over us with loud singing, does not get distracted. He doesn't forget about us. He doesn't send things to hurt us.

If He takes care of the lilies in the field and the sparrows in the air, He will surely continue to be with us. We have to make the choice to rest in Him and have faith in His promises.

There is a lot happening in the world. It makes sense that God could get distracted by "more important" matters, right? That's why Satan uses that lie on us to often. Don't believe it.

"Don't worry about that," I told Joe, "God doesn't get distracted."

You need to remember that too. God knows exactly what is going on with you at all times. He can't be distracted from His love for YOU! You are God's favorite!

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, 

for those who are called according to his purpose. 

Romans 8:28

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have 

life and have it abundantly. 

John 10:10

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. 

Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. 

Luke 12:6-7

When I don't understand

There is a song we sing at church that I love:

 "When I don't understand, I will choose You.
When I don't understand, I will choose to You, God.
When I don't understand, I will choose to love You, God."

If you ask the average Christian,
they would probably agree with that statement:

"Of course! We should always turn to God, even when 

we are in circumstances we don't understand."

I would have said it myself, back when we were homeless. Or, even before that, when I was making one bad choice after another. But did I really choose Him every time? What does that look like for someone to choose Him in the face of something they don't understand?

Countless times I have fallen into my bed crying. Feeling defeated by Satan, upset at something not going the way I expected, asking God what I did wrong to make it happen the way it did, or why He didn't want the same thing I wanted. Often, I just sulked. The disappointment would zap the energy from my body, sometimes rendering me useless for the night.

"It's not fair God! I trust You, I do... but why...? 

When will ______ change? What are You going to do here?" 

That doesn't really sound like trust though, does it? That doesn't sound like choosing Him. It sounds like getting stuck with no other options so, "I guess I'll see what God is going to do."

As I've gotten to know the real God more, as opposed to the one I thought I knew, I've noticed this happens less and less. Even in disappointment, I can say, "I don't understand, but I choose to trust You."

I know that I love and serve a God who heals. This week when the healing that I was believing for didn't come when I expected it, I took it pretty hard. I came home and made a beeline for my bed. I could feel the energy draining from my as I messaged a friend who prayed for me at that moment.

A little bit at a time I started to feel a little peace. It was just enough to pull myself out of bed and run payroll for my business. Then I went to the bank, and grabbed dinner on the way home. Before long I was messaging the friend to tell him I was feeling better.

My youngest has to have her tonsils out. It's not usually a big deal for most children, but it can be for children with Hurler's Syndrome, which is what she has. I had reason to believe she was going to be healed before our appointment. I believed we were going to go in and the doctor was going to say, "Amazing! They are normal sized again! No surgery needed!"

It didn't happen that way, and I don't know why. Her surgery is scheduled for the end of October and includes time in the hospital before and after for testing and monitoring, and, according to the doctors, up to two weeks out of school.

Do I understand why surgery is still "on" as of now? No.
But I absolutely believe Lauren's healing can come before then.
Even if it doesn't, I will still choose to trust Him.
What does fully trusting Him look like?
I'm still not sure that I know completely. But I'm working on it.

Surely he has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed him stricken,

smitten by God, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions;

he was crushed for our iniquities;

upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with his wounds we are healed.

~Isaiah 53:4-5

I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, 

and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.

-John 14:12

More on God's gift of healing can be found here: http://www.awmi.net/reading/teaching-articles/healing_knowledge/

The God I wanted to serve

It's no secret that striving to be a good Christian hasn't always been easy for me. As I've struggled over the years to be the person God wants me to be, I felt like a constant disappointment.

I believed that if He really knows everything from the tiniest of my thoughts to my stupid mistakes and right on up to my outright blasphemy at times, He's never truly going to be happy with me. Sure, I believed God forgave when I asked. I never doubted my eternal salvation. I knew I was getting in, but if the Pearly Gates were a heavy stone door, I was rolling under it, Indiana Jones style. Barely making the cut-off.

And then I encountered the Gospel of Grace. As I delve into teachings that I've never encountered before, and feel the Spirit move, I am blown away by both the simplicity and the complexity of the Word. Beliefs I've gathered from various friends, pastors, and churches over the years are falling off of my weighted-down shoulders and hitting the ground in a million pieces.

This (negative thing) was God's plan. *crashed*
Everything happens for a reason.  *shattered*
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. *smashed*
When you sin, God is angry with you. *demolished*
God will punish you for your sins. *destroyed*
There are still miracles, today, but not for me. *busted*
God uses pain and sickness to keep us humble. *obliterated*
God created this horrible circumstance to build your character. *disintegrated*

Read those. Do those sound like characteristics of a loving God? Yet, a lot of those are things you will hear in churches on a typical Sunday morning. After hearing them for 35 years, you'd think it wouldn't have been so easy for me to let go of those beliefs, especially if you believe some of them yourself.

Surprisingly, while there were some concepts that took time to wrap my brain around, it wasn't difficult for me to let go of these at all. Why?

A friend of mine put it perfectly. This is the God I've always wanted to serve. The one I WISHED existed... the One who wanted me to love Him without fear.

I wanted to love a God who didn't seem wishy-washy and didn't play favorites. I wanted a God who wanted my family and me well.

I wanted a God who didn't leave me looking at the Bible saying, "I'm never gonna live up to this." I wanted to love a God who instilled confidence in me as I am, as opposed to the nervous tight-rope walking I was doing before.

It turns out the God I wanted IS the God I love and serve... I just didn't know Him as well as I thought I did. So many things I attributed to God, and accepted because I believed they were from Him, were things I should have been fighting... because it isn't God who takes away, causes pain, makes people sick.

I could write on this forever, but I'll leave you with these verses. If you question some of the things I say God isn't... read these and the list of myths above and see which ones align with God's word.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; 

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
~John 10:10

He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Satan,-As-Deceiver#sthash.4SAmH4Rp.dpuf

He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Satan,-As-Deceiver#sthash.4SAmH4Rp.dpuf

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the 

Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 

~James 1:17

God doesn’t take back the gifts he has given or forget about the people he has chosen. 

~Romans 11:29

“Just as I swore in the time of Noah
    that I would never again let a flood cover the earth,
so now I swear that I will never again be angry and punish you. 

 For the mountains may move and the hills disappear,
but even then my faithful love for you will remain.
    My covenant of blessing will never be broken,”
    says the Lord, who has mercy on you."

~Isaiah 54:9-10

What negative things about God are you believing today that are keeping you from experiencing the joy that grace brings? 

Best drive ever

My oldest daughter and I were driving this morning when the subject of grace and forgiveness came up. I mentioned how it bothers me when people say one must confess their sins and ask for forgiveness to be forgiven for something. It's a common teaching, but not Biblical under the New Covenant. Jesus himself didn't require it in the Bible.

She admitted she's still trying to wrap her brain around that one because that's what we've heard for so many years. Then she went into a story about how scary it was, years ago during a youth group sermon (at a previous church) when the teacher told them all that harboring unforgiveness would keep them from Heaven... whether they were Christians or not.

I was horrified. "They actually said that? You know now that it isn't true, right?"

She said yes, but didn't seem convinced.

"You are thinking about the verse where Jesus says,

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15 

...right?"

She was.

I explained to her that things in the Bible have to be read in context. Jesus was preaching the law to people who followed the law... that's what he did. He wasn't giving that command to us who are no longer under the law.

Then I stopped and came at it from a different direction. "If unforgiveness is a sin and God won't forgive us for harboring it, then God himself is sinning by harboring unforgiveness toward us... right? Can God sin?"

Relief swept over me as I saw the light bulb come on for her. She said, "Talking to you about this stuff makes me a lot less terrified."

My breath caught in my throat. Terrified. Her word. I almost cried.

She's right. Reading that verse as a command to us today IS TERRIFYING. Why would a God who loves us so much that He sent His son to die for us want us to walk around in fear that we might not be getting it right?

He doesn't.

Jesus came so that we could have life, and have it abundantly. (John 10:10) He did not come so that we could sit around miserable, picking apart our every move and motive, wondering if we were going to make it in, wondering if we were being good enough.

We don't have to wonder. Here's the answer to that question... We aren't. We aren't good enough to get in. We can't do enough right things. We can't live sinless lives. We are not good enough.... except for one thing... GRACE.

Not grace plus good behavior.

Not grace plus forgiveness to others.

Not grace plus serving at church.

It was already given to us.

Nothing we can do changes that.

You know what that is to me? Good News.

After this conversation with my daughter, she told me that out of the friends she had been hanging out with the day before, she was the only one who can say her mom is also her friend.

Best drive to work ever.

 Jesus told them, “This is the only work God wants from you: 

Believe in the one he has sent.” 

~John 6:29 NLT

I said sex in church

I've written before about how I told God that if He wanted me to speak publicly, I would do it because I knew that I could, with His help. What I haven't written about was the time that He made it clear to me that I was going to be talking about some difficult topics and I said, "Okay, but not about sex. I don't want to stand up in front of people and talk about sex."

If you ever feel the need to tell God what you don't want to do for Him, 

be prepared to hear Him laugh at some point, 

when He sets you up to do precisely that thing. 

 
Today's Christian church has a huge lack of understanding and support when it comes to single parents, especially single mothers.

In twelve years of attending various single-event single mom ministries, I have heard two messages, if any message is shared at all. Either we are given the salvation message or a message about how we should focus on our children and lean on Jesus. In other words, "don't even think about dating or marriage. Jesus is your husband now."

And who would deliver these messages? It was either pastor of the church or a happily married woman. While we always appreciate those who give their time, it is honestly difficult to accept encouragement from someone who hasn't walked in our shoes.

As my friend Tina and I prepared to speak at the conference from this weekend, we knew we needed to present topics that women like us needed to hear about. This is what we came up with:

Living Victoriously
     The stereotype isn't accurate (You are normal.)
     Our weaknesses are our strengths
     Enjoy your children while you can.
Know Your Worth
     God wants more for you than you want for yourself.
     God will meet you where you are, but He doesn't want you to stay there.
Battle Strategies
     Save yourself first (Take care of yourself.)
     Keep your focus on God
     Be vulnerable
     Be prepared for the comments. (This was fun. lol)
New Relationships
     Desperately want to remarry or the thought makes you want to hurl, which perspective is healthier?
     Forget all the advice you have heard before.
     How to know if you are being respected once you are in a relationship.

We are both so excited about the feedback we received from our sessions. We were able to speak freely, from our hearts, about what God has shown us over the years. Because of that, we had to talk about some things that don't often get talked about in church. 

Tina and I both brought up sex a few times during these sessions. Much to Tina's surprise, we did not get struck by lightning. Much to my surprise, we didn't get kicked out before it was over. 

It wasn't until afterwards that I remembered I had told God I didn't want to speak about sex publicly.

When I shared about my past over lunch, I danced around the topic a bit. I talked about how my distrust of men grew because they "only wanted one thing" and "would get it and not call" (and how I didn't take any responsibility for my bad choices at the time.)

I also alluded to the times God rescued me from the brink of REALLY stupid and dangerous decisions... but I didn't ever say the word... sex.

When I did say it later, I didn't give a whole lot of time to it. I didn't dwell on it. But I did tell the single moms in that room some things that I've needed to hear in the past.

When talking about being respected and not settling for less than what God wants for us in new relationships:

"Sitting at home on the couch and watching a movie is nice, but it is NOT a date. 

Coming over to do his laundry while you cook him dinner is NOT a date. 

Sleeping over is NOT a date. (Even if it's just sleeping.)

Sex is NOT a date."

Then, I later told them this,

"We have to talk about sex a lot because we have to deal with it a lot. Those of us who choose to abstain until we are married are up against a great struggle, both internally and externally.

God makes it clear in His Word that sex outside of marriage is a sin. But I am going to tell you something you won't hear often enough. I want you to know that if you choose not to abstain, or if you fall into temptation, God still loves you. God isn't angry with you. 
God may be disappointed with your choices, but you aren't going to Hell for having sex. 
Are you living your best life? No. 
Are you experiencing the relationship God intended for you? Nope.
But God still loves you. 

If you slip up and end up having sex, you can not let yourself be pulled into a downward spiral of guilt and shame and let that pull you away from your relationship with Him."

For a woman who could barely speak in public at all a couple of years ago... saying that from the pulpit is a huge step.  I have a feeling this is the first of many times this subject will come up. There are a lot of things about sex that need to be talked about among single moms. And frankly, I don't think God is going to let me get away that easily.

I am sure this is not the last time that Tina and I will address a group of single mothers, encouraging them to live their best lives, the ones God wants for them. I am looking forward to letting Him use us to help them find their way.  

 
Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
~Ephesians 4:15-16  

The myth of fixing yourself first

"God will send you the right person when you are ready... you need to fix yourself first."

I think it's one of the most destructive "helpful" pieces of advice I've received. People mean well when they say it. Heck, even I have said it to people! But recently, as I've explored the truth of what it means to walk in is righteousness because I am saved and not due to something I have or have not done, something occurred to me about that statement.

Righteousness is either a gift from God based on our accepting Him or it is something we have to earn. IT CAN'T BE BOTH. Joseph Prince says, "When you realize that you cannot earn your righteousness, you'll realize that your failures cannot cause you to lose the righteousness you have in Christ either."

What if that applies to the blessings of God as well? Maybe it is possible that God isn't withholding blessings based on my inadequacies? I mean, my God isn't one who only loves those who are perfect in every way.

Surely, Lord, you bless the righteous;
you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
Psalms 5:12

I don't see anything about perfection in that verse. It was written by King David, one of the most imperfect people in the Bible! But God continuously blessed him anyway... his love for the Lord made him righteous.

Obviously, there is good common sense in the statement about fixing yourself. You should want to be in a place in your life where you don't need someone else to survive...physically, financially, emotionally, etc. But God isn't waiting for you to perfect those areas of your life to bless you.

So, what is He waiting for then?

That's the difficult part. We don't know. We can't know.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”declares the Lord.
Isaiah 55:8

Maybe the other person isn't ready yet. Not that God is waiting on them to "fix themselves" but maybe there are some things they still have to experience that will make them into that perfect mate for you, or maybe that describes you.

Saying that needing to fix yourself is a myth isn't saying that God isn't waiting for a certain time in your life. It is saying that we have to be willing to give up control of this area of our lives. We have to stop trying to "make it work" with those who don't fit and stop wondering if every person we meet is possibly "the one."

The biggest one for me is that I had to stop trying to earn it. Countless times I've said, "Okay God, I've done X for You. Now can have... ?"

I believe there are some things God wants me to see and experience before I meet my husband. I still want one. I still kinda hope I run into him today even. But, in the grand scheme of things, knowing that this is beyond my control, that I can't prove to God that I'm ready any more than I can make the perfect man appear by "fixing myself" gives me the freedom to enjoy life and truly see what God wants me to see without wondering if each step I take is getting me closer to or farther from that desire of my heart.

The key there is seeing and experiencing what God wants for me... there is nothing left to be earned.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ.
Ephesians 2:8-9, 13

 

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.
Today’s trouble is enough for today.
Matthew 6:34

Spinning

It's possible to have so many parts of a life in line with God's will and be completely out of line with Him in others. It's a careful balancing act, the enemy is tricky. It took one area of my life to begin spinning out of control again to realize just how far off I am today...

Today I am having
trouble understanding
how God can continue to
bless a woman who is
struggling so much to
understand, accept, and do
His will above all else.
Not because of the struggle,
but because of the many ways
I haven't bothered, the times
I've given up, given in, and
blatantly disregarded Him,
continuing to demand my own way,
kicking and screaming.
 
Spinning out of control,
I've come face to face with
a reality I've been denying.
I thought I had a handle on this
issue from my past, yet I've been
falling back into a familiar,
yet dangerous, pattern where
my will trumps His again and again.
I've begun praying that He
guards me from making choices,
because we both know where I am,
and that I won't choose wisely.

It's an embarrassing and humbling
admission, that He has to take my choices
from me if I am to succeed right now.
But worse than that is having God
sigh and say, "Fine, have it your way"
and watching things begin to spin out of control again.

I'm grateful that even when He does give in,
I only have to turn to see Him standing there,
with His hand out, waiting for me to realize
my errors, and turn around and reach for Him.

I know the way to combat this is to start with my thoughts. Read, pray, continue to ask Him for help.  

If you are reading this, I am asking you for prayer too. None of this is easy, but His will for my life is more important than anything else... and I need to remember that.

The mind governed by the flesh is death, 

but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.
~Romans 8:6

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
~Philippians 4:8

Why write?

I write to keep a record of this journey,
give others hope, to show that God
doesn't use perfect people, and
that we all stumble, but
keeping our focus on Him
makes every struggle worth it.

I write because I know that
in the grand scheme of things,
while I am special to Him,
I am not any more or less special
than anyone else, and the amazing things
He does for me, He will do for others as well.

I write because I know that
when I pull Him close, He reveals
so much more to me about life
and love and hopes and dreams and
failure and success and what
it truly means to walk by faith
than I could get from any other source.

I write not because I think my writing
is great or that the world needs to hear truths
from me over anyone else. In fact, so many
times I have typed words and sat dumbfounded,
reading a message He clearly had me write
to teach myself something I was missing.

There are many reasons why I write,
and I could go on and on about them,
but the most important one is this: Because He told me to.

~~~~~~~

I started this blog to hold myself accountable for my issues, to work through them and give myself a visible timeline showing what my walk with Him looks like, to help me learn to rely on God over all else... not to give those who wish to persecute me a list of my mistakes, slip-ups, stumbles, and out-right acts of rebellion. But I haven't written as much lately because some turmoil in my life has been created by someone who wishes to do just that.

Today I'm reminding myself of the reasons I write, and reminding myself that God has a plan here that I can't let go of... even if others will try to twist it to use against me. Three steps forward and two steps back makes the journey slow at times, but it is real and honest. If I am nothing else, I have to be real and honest.

But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.  

~1 John 4:4

It doesn't matter

While sharing with a friend about how the ending of the other friendship has really confused me lately, he said something that made me stop and think. "Nobody has to be your friend. The answers you are getting don't make sense, but what does it matter? You aren't owed friendship. Maybe he just changed his mind. So what? The outcome is the same."

My only possible response was, "But he said..." I didn't say it though, because I realized he was right. It doesn't matter. The choice was made and has nothing to do with me. 

God and I were having a conversation about this as I was driving and I heard, "I told you to let it go. You aren't changing any minds by arguing or explaining, and I've already told you I've got this."

"You're right, God. I can do this. I can let it go. In fact, I can not care at all. They'll see. Doesn't bother them? Fine. Doesn't phase me either. If they can not care, I can too."

That's when God said, "Wow, that doesn't sound like forgiveness at all."

Thankfully, He timed that comment with a stretch of straight road, because I froze. "Wait, what!?" It hit me for the first time that letting go means forgiving too. "But, that's just not fair! Didn't You see? Didn't You hear? Didn't You...?"

He got really quiet after that, because I knew the answers to those questions.

He knows. He heard. He saw. It doesn't matter.

I know that when God tells me to do something, I have to do it... regardless of the situation, my feelings, my reasoning, or what anyone else involved is doing. It doesn't matter if I'm still confused or hurt or wish I could say just one more thing... It doesn't matter.

The question of how to do what He's saying? That one is a bit trickier... but if He made everything easy, I wouldn't have anything to write about! And how much fun would that be?

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, 

if you love one another.
~John 13:34-35

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, 

it keeps no record of wrongs.

~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Stop

This guy I knew a long time ago emailed me earlier this week.
I told him I knew he was only after
one thing and he was not going

to be getting it from me... 

     that I'm a different girl now... 

          and I sent him on his way.

Then you basically tell me you want the same things from me... 

     except you live so far away now.

You talk about coming back for me... but admit it would be next year, if at all.
Careful to tell me not to wait, you still throw it out there as a 'what if.'

I tell myself what you want is different 

     than what the other guy wanted, 

        Why? Because I love you... but really it's not fair. 

You had so many opportunities to love me, and you didn't take them. 

Don't tell me how much you regret it now that you are gone.

Don't talk about what 'maybe' could have happened if.

Don't talk about what 'maybe' could happen in the future.

I deserve someone who wants all of me... forever.

I deserve someone who knows how to love me back.

Not just someone who wants to send me sweet text messages
that mean nothing when applied to real daily life.

And I want to tell you to stop. 

But I don't want you to stop. 

Because sometimes a text message 

that makes me feel wanted

feels better than loneliness.

Which makes me wonder if

maybe I'm not a different girl after all.

I know I talk too much. 

You don't want to know any of this. 

You just want me to tell you to stop or don't,

because you said you'd stop if I told you to.

Don't. 

Stop. 

Don't stop.

And I can't help but wonder if this is a test.

Maybe this is the time I'm supposed to make the right choice

and God will decide I'm ready for something else...
or maybe I'm fooling myself with this as well...

     or setting myself up for defeat... 

          because I will never make the right choice every time.

One right choice followed by another followed by maybe even one more... eventually followed by a lot of stupidity... and then I have to start all over again. And anyone who read my last blog post is saying, "This doesn't sound like the girl who was practicing thankfulness and praying over her list."

Three steps forward 

and 2.5 steps back.
Welcome to my life.

Second thoughts

For the last several months I've continued to pray for D
to be healed of his PTSD by praying through a model prayer
designed by a pastor who specializes in such a thing.
It was written to be prayed WITH him, but he just isn't ready.

Today I began to wonder why God can't just do that for me.
Have I not asked? Not asked in the right way? Not enough times?
Am I really believing in God's healing ability for someone else
but deciding I must need some other kind of intervention
in the form of the antidepressants I talked about yesterday?

Earlier today I saw myself on my knees, in my room
praying for this, begging God to not let me have to go back on these pills.
Yet tonight, all alone at home, I'm writing instead, and watching TV.

And I'm frustrated that D won't let God help him?
I might understand a little better than even I realized.


Still not sure what God wants me to do.
Heard a radio spot this morning that I thought might have been for me.
But then, why am I sitting here typing, well past midnight?

Fear? Doubt? Likely a lot of both.

Is it really easier to pop a pill that makes me very sick,
in the hopes that eventually I will feel better
than it is to ask God to heal me? Maybe.
Easier than trusting Him to do it? Definitely.

I don't know

There are more half-written, unpublished blog posts languishing in blogger purgatory than I can count right now. I think I hear God speaking to me, I start to write, and the things I am thinking don't make sense on paper... and I've totally lost the point of whatever I thought He was saying.


I don't know how to be real right now.
I don't know how to be inspirational right now.
I don't know how to be encouraging right now.
I don't know how to be me right now.
Probably because I feel like there are two very distinct people here.
The person I am and the person I am supposed to be.
I thought I knew how to bridge the gap, but now I'm not so sure.

I can make all the good choices I want, try to do the right things, but if the inside doesn't change, then I'm just playing a game.
I don't feel different today. I don't feel changed.
The only real change I see is that I actually care that there is a difference between acting changed and being changed... and that it is killing me to feel like I'm the former. Fake it til you make it, right? But most of the time I feel like I'm just waiting for everyone to figure out that I'm a fraud.

I know whatever change needs to be made, He can do. But He hasn't. I don't know if God is making me wait for something or if He is waiting for me to do something.

Exhausted by the waiting and the not knowing, but plodding along anyway, certain there is a plan.
 It was good to know that I am not the only who feels this way...

Yep.
And frankly, I'm really tired of painful.

Yet another post that's all over the place and makes little sense to most people, but I'm out of energy for thinking or writing or anything but sleeping...

What am I fighting?

I know there is a battle going on here,
as surely as I know I'm losing it.
Then again, maybe I'm not.
It's hard to know if you
are winning or losing a battle
when you don't know which side you're on.

Over the past couple of weeks
I've said that I'm fighting,
but something tells me
if I were really fighting
the anger, pain, emptiness,
fear, depression, temptation
then I would be fighting while
in the Word and on my knees,
while diving into whatever is right,
while surrounding myself with good.

And if I'm not doing those things,
then what am I really fighting?

I hit my knees and fall asleep,
daydream, or stare into space.
My radio has played more oldies
this week than in the last six months.
I feel like I am walking in heavy fog,
as if nothing I say or do really matters
for today, tomorrow, or in the long run
even though I somehow know each step does.

My heart skips a little when I see
evidence that He is fighting for me,
but if I smile and say thanks
and then walk the other way...
what does thanks even mean?
"Thanks, but You've got the wrong girl."

Even writing this now, knowing
where I am and where I should be,
why am I not broken over these weeks?
Why do I feel like I just don't care?
Am I really fighting the world,
or just pushing Him back,
to keep Him at arm's length?
How long will He keep fighting
before He lets me have my way?

How long will it take to realize I don't really want it?

How many times can I say
Please protect me from myself
and expect Him to answer?
Maybe He has stopped already.

Big Prayers

God has answered
some big prayers for me,
huge answers that were
obviously only from Him.
Now I'm seeing something
coming in the future
something only He can handle
and I'm afraid...
             afraid to ask Him for it
             afraid to speak it out
             afraid to write it down
because, what if I am wrong?
I've very clearly felt
that this is something
I need to take seriously
but its harder than you think
even KNOWING what He can do.

I was having this conversation with myself
this morning, while driving to church
when someone on the radio hit the nail on the head.

She asked if I pray for things only God can do,
or if I pray for things that I already know
can happen in the natural world.
She suggested that her own hesitation
in praying for things that can only be Him
is her difficulty with giving up control.
Control issues? Me? Surely I don't have...
okay, we all know I have some control issues.

Funny how I overslept,
ran behind this morning,
and turned the radio on
just in time to hear this.
You'd almost think
there is a God up there
listening to me
and using whoever He can
to get His message across
when I'm too absorbed with myself
too hear what He is saying.

Asking God to make the impossible happen
means believing it could happen
and setting myself up for a huge fall if it doesn't.
But if He keeps telling me
to take this matter seriously
and to pray, then I have to believe
He has a plan.

Trust. That's what He wants.
Trust that He thinks we are precious.
Trust that His plans aren't to harm. 
Trust that if He tells me to trust and to pray,
         that's what He wants...
  and that trying to control the situation
                is only going to continue to cause pain and anxiety.

 

But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
7 everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.”

Isaiah 43:1-7

Can you hear Me now?

"What's that?
You think I'm ignoring you
that I'm trying to teach you a lesson
with My silence?
You want clear answers?
Did you really tell someone
that you think I'm being a jerk?
Just because I'm not ready
to give you an answer
doesn't mean
I'm not listening.
Just because I'm not
giving you an answer
doesn't mean
I'm not talking to you.
Maybe you aren't listening
Do you need some proof?
Do you need something bigger?
Do you need something clearer?
Here ya' go..."

I am so thankful for a pastor
who will scrap a whole sermon
at the last minute
and go a different direction
because God is telling him to.
I'm sure I'm not the only one
who needed to hear it
but I do know it was for me.

Because that's when I heard
what I needed to hear.
Not the answers I wanted...
but the acknowledgement I needed.
Because while I was asking for
big, clear answers...
neon signs and 2x4's
what I really wanted to know
was that He was really there.
That He is fighting for me.

He is. He is fighting me, for me.

I still didn't get the answers I felt like I needed.

Instead it occurred to me that if He isn't giving me an answer at this very moment, maybe it means that I don't need one. Is it possible that He has some confidence in my decision making skills?
I'm still waiting for some big answers, but I can decide to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward without worrying that I'm doing something wrong... as long as I'm keeping my eyes and heart focused on Him... so that I'm ready when the answers do come.

You know, just in case there is no actual flashing neon sign or 2x4s that smack me upside the head...

I still love You

Hey
I want you to know
I still love You.
I get that everything
that happens is important
in some way,
whether it is important
to me or to someone else.
I get that You are in charge
of the universe.
So You get to make the decisions,
not me.
I'm okay with that too.
I'm not that good at it.
It's all Yours.
The reason I'm telling You this?
I don't want there to be any mistake
about the fact that I love You when I say
I just don't like You very much at the moment.

You aren't supposed to love like anyone else.
Your love is supposed to be different.
But I've been here before
and it feels the same.
This relationship got serious and
I told You everything I have is Yours.
I told You I would do whatever You want me to do.
Anything.
You just have to be really, really clear...
and then You stopped talking to me.
Why? I'll probably never know...
     that's how you guys do things.
No, You don't owe me anything.
Not even answers.

I still love You. I just don't like You right now.
When You decide to talk to me again
I'll be here waiting. I'm not going anywhere.
Supposedly, I'm doing great...
but please just don't wait too much longer,
because I can't hold all of this together on my own.
Who am I kidding? "All of this?"
I can't even hold myself together on my own.

Tetris

Tetris blocks don't just 
          "fall into place"
  all on their own.
         They need to be rotated
and moved from side to side
                     and stacked just right
to get every

                thing to work.
I used to think

            I was pretty good at the game.
    Still, I handed the controller off 
        to someone else. 
   Someone who is now saying
                                        "Ooohhh, watch what I can do!"
                            and I'm holding my breath
           as the blocks pile up
   without order or rhyme or reason.
      Trying to remind myself
I handed the controller off to Him
    because He knows the next 247 blocks
       because He knows what is going to happen 

          because He put the blocks there Himself.
And when it all comes together
and the lower layers disappear
I'm going to be glad I handed

     it off to Him...

 

Right now I'm still holding my breath.

Who wrote that?

Someone pointed out to me that I while I was upset and wrote with a defeated attitude Saturday I still signed the post as "Child of the One True King."

Blogger does that automatically... I don't sign my name every time. In fact, through blogger.com it is nearly impossible to change who you are once something is posted by you.

While explaining that earlier, I felt a little internal nudge and the words, "Sound familiar?"

Yeah, it does...  because even if I'm having a bad day, a defeated attitude, an argument with God, if I'm experiencing doubt, or conviction, or fear, or anger or frustration or even if what I'm writing is all full of roses and sunshine and happiness and faith... to Him, my name stays the same.

~Child of the One True King

Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31-32 NLT

Mistaking the signs

Have you ever stood at the open fridge door at midnight, looking for a snack and realised that while food would be great... what you are really feeling is tired? They say people who drink more water during the day eat less than those who don't because people often mistake thirst for hunger. We mistake boredom for hunger too. We mistake lots of things for hunger... sometimes anger or pain... loneliness ... probably just about any uncomfortable feeling. You can trust me on this... fat girls know this stuff. :-P We also know that the thing we've chosen instead of the thing we need... doesn't satisfy us for long.

I was reading 1 Peter 2 where things of the spirit are compared to baby milk. And while, much like being called "God's daughter", being called a "baby Christian" irks me... it was something else about the verses that I settled on.

Depending on the version, we are told to "crave" or "desire" things of the spirit.

We are to seek Him (Deut 4:29), seek Him diligently (Prov 8:17),

Elsewhere in the Bible, we are told that our soul should yearn for God the way a dear yearns for water.

We are to
   call upon him
      return to him
         draw near to him

Psalms 63:1 A Psalm of David, when he was in the wilderness of Judah. O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.      

What things have I really been craving lately? What have I really been desiring? Am I just standing in front of an open fridge at midnight, ignoring the real signs?

When I start to feel that emptiness that I talked about a few posts ago, or when I'm lonely, or when I'm scared or sad or frustrated... what if it isn't just me and my issues, trying to make it through another day? Is it possible I'm just mistaking my soul's desperate need for God to take control of some area of my life with my own daily struggle?

I know all too well that I can sate any desire for a moment if I convince myself that what I really crave is something else... So for how long am I going to let the enemy convince me that the cravings, desires, thirsts, that I have are for things of this world, when I can clearly see that choosing to satisfy any hunger I have with God is the way to true satisfaction?

Defining moments

Remember when I wrote about how important a definition can be?

Here are a couple of other words I needed to pick apart and define.

Prostitution
in simple terms
is trading sex for money.
I wrote before how
God protected me
from that.
But really,
When I think of all the times
I traded sex
for a few smiles
for a few laughs
for a few hugs,
or just to feel attractive,
desired for a few moments...
or, so many times,
for an arm around me while I slept,
I realize that I was still a prostitute... I just had a flexible payment plan.

I almost did it again this weekend.
Sent a text to a guy
who I knew would lie to me
and say that he missed me
and tell me I am beautiful
even though I hadn't heard from him in months
just because I knew
he would stay the whole night
and snuggle up close.

It didn't work out. Thank God.

I was going to give up on a promise
that I really do take very seriously
just so I didn't have to sleep
alone.

While I don't want to dwell on mistakes that I almost made, picking all of this apart tells me something very important.

I am not a sex addict.
Sex addicts are addicted
to sex, porn, the chase, the act.
Not to being touched
and held
and cuddled
and feeling special
even if it's just for a moment.
Sex addicts separate their feelings
from their actions.
I never did.
Not one time.
Even when I purposely tried.
I couldn't stop feeling.
But they could...
and did.
So I moved on to the next
lying smile...
you wouldn't believe the lies I've heard
and accepted when I knew better.
because I didn't care
that he was lying
as long as he was lying next to me...
I could always convince myself it was worth it... what did I have to lose?

Now I'm thinking, with clarity
not in my emotion
not in my pain
not in my intoxication
and I realize that
I was going to give up on a promise
that I really do take very seriously
just so I didn't have to sleep
alone.
And I know it wouldn't have been worth it...
I am determined to reclaim all that I didn't realize I had to lose in the first place.