Defining moments

Remember when I wrote about how important a definition can be?

Here are a couple of other words I needed to pick apart and define.

Prostitution
in simple terms
is trading sex for money.
I wrote before how
God protected me
from that.
But really,
When I think of all the times
I traded sex
for a few smiles
for a few laughs
for a few hugs,
or just to feel attractive,
desired for a few moments...
or, so many times,
for an arm around me while I slept,
I realize that I was still a prostitute... I just had a flexible payment plan.

I almost did it again this weekend.
Sent a text to a guy
who I knew would lie to me
and say that he missed me
and tell me I am beautiful
even though I hadn't heard from him in months
just because I knew
he would stay the whole night
and snuggle up close.

It didn't work out. Thank God.

I was going to give up on a promise
that I really do take very seriously
just so I didn't have to sleep
alone.

While I don't want to dwell on mistakes that I almost made, picking all of this apart tells me something very important.

I am not a sex addict.
Sex addicts are addicted
to sex, porn, the chase, the act.
Not to being touched
and held
and cuddled
and feeling special
even if it's just for a moment.
Sex addicts separate their feelings
from their actions.
I never did.
Not one time.
Even when I purposely tried.
I couldn't stop feeling.
But they could...
and did.
So I moved on to the next
lying smile...
you wouldn't believe the lies I've heard
and accepted when I knew better.
because I didn't care
that he was lying
as long as he was lying next to me...
I could always convince myself it was worth it... what did I have to lose?

Now I'm thinking, with clarity
not in my emotion
not in my pain
not in my intoxication
and I realize that
I was going to give up on a promise
that I really do take very seriously
just so I didn't have to sleep
alone.
And I know it wouldn't have been worth it...
I am determined to reclaim all that I didn't realize I had to lose in the first place.