Empty Space

Today I did something awesome.
Something I never would have thought
I'd ever accomplish.
Something I didn't even know
I wanted to accomplish
until a few months ago.
I ran a 5k race
and finished it
in a respectable time.
I was pretty proud of myself.
I even signed up to do another in 4 weeks.

But when the fun was over
and I got home
a familiar empty feeling started
swirling in the center
of my chest.

I immediately started thinking about
what I could do to "fix" it.
Who could I text to talk to me?
Who could I message to take my mind off of it?
What could I do to make the feeling go away?
It's hard work
breaking old habits
and making myself think differently.

I knew the events of the day
had exhausted me
emotionally and physically.
So I decided to take a nap.

When I woke up a bit later the space was still there.
Not anxiety.
Not tiredness.
Not hunger or fear or pain or anything else I could put my finger on...
I seriously considered going back to sleep...
another way I used to cope
that I can't use anymore.

I closed my eyes,
"God, I don't know what this is or why it comes back like this but I need you to help me get rid of it. I don't feel like getting up right now. I don't feel like doing anything right now... but I'm going to get up and do something around here and I need you to make it go away."

Honestly, I didn't do much.
But I got out of bed
and helped one child choose outfits for homecoming week
and helped another do her homework
and did some work on the computer
and at some point
I realized
the empty feeling was gone.

It's not like I think I got rid of it forever.
It's not like it won't happen again.
But taking time to ask God for help
and being reminded to breathe
and to keep moving
and keep pushing past
whatever was going on
inside of me
made a difference.
One small step away from codependency.

Two wins in one day.