Bootstraps (revised)

My story has been described

as one of a woman

who fell on hard times,

pulling herself up

by her bootstraps

to succeed.

That isn’t completely true.

I didn’t fall on hard times.

I climbed into them,

sometimes blindly,

but almost always willingly.

I thought that the times

that begat my hard times

were the answers

to my misguided prayers.

I never bothered to look

to God and say,

“Is this from You?”

While I can’t say for certain,

it is almost undoubtedly true

that I never asked, in part,

because I already knew the answer.   

The Bible clearly states

God hates sin.

God doesn’t reward sin.

God doesn’t offer sin as a reward.

But if the situations before my hard times

were something that I thought I wanted,

there was no stopping me

from charging ahead,

sometimes even giving Him credit.

The most successful path

to my own personal Hell

was slow and steady,

as it is for most who wander.

No sharp turns or drops.

No reason to make me

think I might be wrong.

Murder, envy, and greed are all

great sins, as sins go.

But, Satan knew he was safer

to turn me into a gossip and a time waster,

an in-denial lover of self,

someone who was convinced

she was in control

of her own life,

who wouldn’t be jolted

back to reality until it was too late.

He was almost right.

Everyone has their breaking point

the enemy no doubt took delight

in watching my struggle

to be in control

right up until the moment

I broke and fell to the ground.

There, on my knees,
I did something he didn’t expect.
I looked up towards Heaven for help and hope.
 
I believe that God cares more for our souls
than He does for our earthly lives.
He will let things be taken away from us,
one after another after another,
until we realize we have nothing
left but Him to hold on to.

Some of us are more stubborn than others.

God let me do things my own way,
though He has the power

to make me do whatever He wants.

He let me make my own choices, and

He let me make my own mistakes,

knowing that when I finally came to Him

in complete and willing surrender,

it would be real and lasting.

When I finally acknowledged

Who was in control,

I raised my arms 

and waved my white flag.

That is when He showed me those bootstraps

and how to pull myself up, 

by grabbing ahold of His hand.

Thank You Lord,

for Your patience and Your grace.

I will spend the rest of my life telling people

how awesome You really are...

and it still won't be long enough

to show how truly grateful I am. 




(Revised from this post: Bootstraps 12/05/2013)

Being alone

Healed of my codependency,
I've been working hard to curb
the needy habits that codependency caused.
It is becoming easier and easier.

I'm encouraged by a huge reduction in
depression, tears, exhaustion, frustration
that used to flare up regularly due to
my own unmet hopes and expectations.

The biggest change, one that I expected
and have been looking forward to the most,
has not happened yet. I've spent time trying
to figure it out, but I'm still confused.

I can't figure out if God is waiting
to fix this part of me too, until I manage
to learn some important lessons here
or if this is just how He made me.

I still don't like being alone.

I enjoy being around people.
People energize and inspire me.
I may talk too much sometimes, but
meaningful conversation is something I crave.

I don't just want friends to lean on.
I want friends who are comfortable
with leaning on me, asking me for help
or saying hello for no reason at all.

I've honestly felt lately that my desire
to not be single could be ignored, possibly
(maybe) even satisfied, if I could manage
to cultivate some close friendships.

Is there something about myself I don't see
that keeps this from happening?
I actually asked someone recently, who said no.
But she and I don't really hang out either.

Am I bitchy? Whiny? Too opinionated?
Do I complain too much? Do I hog the conversation?

Am I a bad listener? Do I seem insincere?
Maybe I ask too many questions?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not doubting my worth here.
God thinks I'm awesome, of that I'm sure.
I just wish He'd clue some other people in
and then point me in the right direction.

God bless Goliath

Everyone has giants in their lives that need to be slayed. Your giants could be trials, sicknesses, addictions, or even people. They make us feel like tiny David, up against a Goliath. Satan is constantly at work, and can manifest in so many ways. It is not uncommon for him to find a Goliath in our lives, and work through that person to try to destroy us and our testimony. One in particular is tormenting me at the moment, but I have complete faith that God will work this out as well.

 
Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all 

strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, 

and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

~Ephesians 6:11-12

When Goliath's wrath ramps up,
I remind myself that I'm not battling flesh and blood.
Anger at him isn't going to do any good.
Retaliating, arguing, fighting to get what I want
especially when all I want is peace
won't help the situation at all. I should pray.
I've reminded myself of this often over the years.

 

O Lord, oppose those who oppose me.
Fight those who fight against me.

~Psalms 35:1

And while I've prayed for God to rescue me from situations,
prayed for God to make Goliath see what he is doing,
how he is only ultimately hurting a child
who loves him to no end,
I recently realized that merely saying "this is of the devil"
and dismissing the person who is being controlled
isn't what we are called to do.

You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!

~Matthew 5:43-44

That's not so difficult, right?
How hard is it to throw a "God bless Goliath" out there
during my prayer time? Not difficult at all.
But I also know that my God isn't a fan of lip service.
He wants us not to just do what He says, but to mean it,
because flippant prayers don't change the world.

Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you.

~Luke 10:19

Why would God give us authority and power like this through Him
and not expect us to use it fully? Why would we want to? 
When God calls us to pray for our enemies,
He wants nothing less than direct and purposeful prayers,
and sometimes, He tells us, it takes more than that.

And when He had come into the house, His disciples asked Him privately, “Why could we not cast it out?”So He said to them, “This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting.” 

~Mark 9:28-29

How seriously are you taking attacks of the enemy?
How badly do you want to see change?
Your prayer life should reflect those answers.
Goliath's tactics ramping up? Drop to your knees.
It's time for specific, deliberate prayers, petitions
in the name of Jesus to shut mouths, open eyes and turn hearts.

Feeling tested?

 

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must
endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine.
It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—
though your faith is far more precious than mere gold.
1 Peter 1:6-7 (NLT)

Until the time came to fulfill his dreams, the Lord tested Joseph's character.
-Psalm 105:19

When you care...

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
John 15:12-13

Loneliness

I've fought posting this for awhile because I don't want this to come across as a "poor me" post. I am realizing though, that I can't be the only one struggling with similar things. I don't have an answer yet, but maybe part of the reason I'm still struggling is that I haven't written about it... God works like that with me sometimes.

Loneliness has plagued me
for several months now.
No longer able to "fix" the feeling
with my old stand-by salves of
drunkenness and/or sex,
I'm often at a loss.
Even if those were something
God would be okay with (He's not)
they don't fill the needs I have anymore.

It is of little comfort to know
that I'm not the only one.
It is of little comfort to know
that King David was lonely too. (Psalms 25:25-16)

God gave me a huge revelation recently
about my struggle for self-worth.
And while loneliness no longer represents
my lack of worth to me, it is still... lonely.
I don't fit in anywhere at my church.
I have lots of church friends,
but somehow I've lost my church family.
I'm doing church with people,
but not doing life with them.

A few friends have moved on,
my small group disbanded,
I let go of a few of those who
were not healthy for me to keep,
and I'm struggling to get past
the surface with new friends.

Lately everything feels like salt
being rubbed into an open wound.
People gather after every service
making plans to go here or there.
Whether I have my kids or not,
I usually end up going home.
The offer to help someone move
turned down, they "had enough help."
Several people I have tried to connect with
got together and formed a group
I'm not invited to... it's not their fault,
I don't "fit" in that group, and that's okay.
But it doesn't make me feel better
about where I am right now.

God has shown me during this time
how the old me would have settled
for a certain kind of attention from a few,
attention that I can still get if I want.
But that kind of attention, from men who
can't be bothered to have a real conversation
with me beyond a few flirty texts here and there,
has become increasingly unsettling.

I know the devil is using this to try to get a hold on me.
A few nights ago, it hit me really hard.
I opened my Bible and my eyes fell
on a verse in Ecclesiastes, "The dead
are better off than the living."
Really, God? Not the boost I needed.
Then I found another verse about
two people being better than one. Hmm, also not helpful.
After that I gave up, asleep by 9 that night.

I know God can use anything for good,
and He must already have a plan
for this time that I am in right now,
but I hope it ends soon, because it sucks.

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
    His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
    therefore, I will hope in him!”

~Lamentations 3:22-24

And we know that God causes everything 

to work together for the good of those who love God 

and are called according to his purpose for them.

~Romans 8:28

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, 

but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, 

against mighty powers in this dark world, and against 

evil spirits in the heavenly places.
~Ephesians 6:12

Know

I'll be the keynote speaker at a single moms' conference at the end of April.

Sitting down Friday night to dinner with the friend who recommended me for the honor, we started brainstorming ideas for the mini-sessions we will run as well.  I suggested a great subject for one, but it didn't quite seem right. Then I realized, it wasn't a subject to give someone else. It was supposed to be the title of my session.

"Know Your Worth " I've been asking God to show me mine for a long time... make me understand. I know I don't quite get it yet... and yet somehow He wants me to teach others.

Someone recently said, "If people truly understood their worth in Him, it would change the world."
If He is choosing me to help change some worlds, I can expect a battle... is it weird that I'm a little excited that I see it coming and feel like I can prepare?

I know I won't get it right every time. Even today, as I've struggled with the loneliness that never fails to hit me as I leave church services... I'm pretty sure God told me to go for a walk. I took a nap instead. Then I emailed some people. Then I did some reading. Now I'm writing.

It just occurred to me that truly understanding my worth would probably change my world too.

I hope I'm ready. 

I hope you are too. 

If you are reading this, 

then it's likely that changing my world 

will change yours a little as well. 

The faithful love of the lord never ends! His mercies never cease.Great is his faithfulness;his mercies begin afresh each morning.I say to myself, “The lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The lord is good to those who depend on him,to those who search for him.
~Lamentations 3:22-25 NLT 

Okay, now I'm going to go change out of my church clothes and go for a walk. 

Wow. See how well this accountability blog thing works?

Forgiveness

I've written several posts as
I worked through the loss of
a couple of friendships lately.
God kept telling me to let it go,
but I really didn't know how.

When I realized the key to letting
go was forgiveness, I was angrier.
"That's not fair!" I told God.

But I eventually tried...
and failed...
and tried again.
I tried several different ways...

This week I succeeded.

After praying about it, I said
a few things I needed to say
via email, and sent it off.
I woke up the next morning and
realized I felt better, even without
a response or acknowledgment.

While we must still interact on
a regular basis, when I let go,
I suddenly realized my feelings
about the person had changed.

Am I still disappointed? Sure. Am I angry? No.
And because of that, my actions have changed too...

No more being hurt.
No more accepting blame.
No more walking on eggshells.
No more apologizing for every interaction.

Does the enemy know my weaknesses? Yep.
Is he going to try to poke me every now and then? Probably.

But I feel free today, and I'm thankful
that I trusted God when He told me to let go,
and that today I am stronger than I was
a week ago, stronger than I was a month ago,
and so much stronger than I was a year ago.

Thank you, Lord for believing in me, even when I didn't. Thank You for strength and grace. Thank You for loving me unconditionally. Remind me of times like this when I doubt my ability to do what You ask of me. Remind me that when I leave You in control, everything works out. Amen.

Praise the Lord!
For he has heard my cry for mercy.
The Lord is my strength and shield.
I trust him with all my heart.
He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. 

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.
The Lord gives his people strength.
~Psalm 28:6-8

Redeeming humanity

Why do we refuse to acknowledge
the battles, the struggles, the pain?

It doesn't make us any less redeemed,
to admit that we are human. It might even
make us more so, as it is our humanity
that makes us worth redeeming.

At some point we must realize that
being redeemed, saved, valued, loved
by the God of all creation, doesn't fix
our lives, resolve our problems, perfect us.

In fact, it often makes our issues
even more glaringly obvious when the
Holy light shines down on them and
reminds us of how far we still have to go.

God is in the business of redeeming humanity,
not taking away choices, even choices that
involve turning away from Him. If we were
perfect upon redemption, our choices would
be gone, we'd know too much to have free will.

So we continue this life, redeemed, but human
while trying to put on a "perfected" facade.
Who are we lying to... God? He knows better.
The world, our friends, maybe just ourselves? Why?

Maybe we fear being called 'hypocrite'
by those who don't understand we are
still on a journey towards perfection.
Maybe we fear acknowledging all
the work we know we have left to do. 

Twice recently, I have been reminded that
sharing my struggles is just as important
as sharing how I've succeeded in Him.

And yet, I couldn't help but think today
what a fraud I am, claiming God has
rescued me from depression and still
reacting to an old trigger with an inability
to function productively for a few hours.

I kept looking for confirmation of all
I was thinking and feeling, knowing
I'm a fraud and a failure, and I found plenty.

I almost believed it all, until the redeemed
within me began fighting back, against
the lies I was hearing, reading, believing.
I still believed most of it when I sat down
to write tonight, prepared for a negative post.

So many things are happening that make me
question my worth on all levels. And yet, I know
that as long as I keep fighting, He'll always
pull me through. And as hard as it is to believe,
it doesn't matter who thinks what of me.
 
I found this song tonight...

Yes, these struggles chase after me,
threatening to overtake me. But I know
none of those things own me any longer because
He who is in me is greater than all of it... and He will use it for good.

 My foes have trampled upon me all day long, For they are many who fight proudly against me. When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.
~Psalm 56:2-3

It doesn't matter

While sharing with a friend about how the ending of the other friendship has really confused me lately, he said something that made me stop and think. "Nobody has to be your friend. The answers you are getting don't make sense, but what does it matter? You aren't owed friendship. Maybe he just changed his mind. So what? The outcome is the same."

My only possible response was, "But he said..." I didn't say it though, because I realized he was right. It doesn't matter. The choice was made and has nothing to do with me. 

God and I were having a conversation about this as I was driving and I heard, "I told you to let it go. You aren't changing any minds by arguing or explaining, and I've already told you I've got this."

"You're right, God. I can do this. I can let it go. In fact, I can not care at all. They'll see. Doesn't bother them? Fine. Doesn't phase me either. If they can not care, I can too."

That's when God said, "Wow, that doesn't sound like forgiveness at all."

Thankfully, He timed that comment with a stretch of straight road, because I froze. "Wait, what!?" It hit me for the first time that letting go means forgiving too. "But, that's just not fair! Didn't You see? Didn't You hear? Didn't You...?"

He got really quiet after that, because I knew the answers to those questions.

He knows. He heard. He saw. It doesn't matter.

I know that when God tells me to do something, I have to do it... regardless of the situation, my feelings, my reasoning, or what anyone else involved is doing. It doesn't matter if I'm still confused or hurt or wish I could say just one more thing... It doesn't matter.

The question of how to do what He's saying? That one is a bit trickier... but if He made everything easy, I wouldn't have anything to write about! And how much fun would that be?

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, 

if you love one another.
~John 13:34-35

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, 

it keeps no record of wrongs.

~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Not too late

Yesterday at church I sat in my seat and cried
with my arm around  my 16 year old daughter
as I watched two parents embracing, sobbing,
at the front of the small, but crowded sanctuary.

Each the parent of a teen girl lost to suicide,
one this weekend, one a few weeks ago.

This morning I sat on my bed and sobbed
as I read the blog post of a mother whose
baby didn't wake up from his nap last week.
He was perfectly healthy two days before.

But his mother, father and four siblings
spent his 2nd birthday planning a funeral.

I'm often reminded that these kids who
live in my house, eat my food, ask me
for advice, and money, and call me mom,
aren't really mine in any permanent sense.

On loan from God, He could take them back
at any time, in any place, in any fashion.

I've had to ask Him for forgiveness for times
this was forgotten and my will became priority. 
So many times I made life about me, dragging
them along for the ride as if they didn't matter.

And while not to the degree that it once did,
it still happens more often than I'd like to admit.

Several weeks ago after dealing with an afternoon
of abnormal disrespect and back-talk and downright
defiance, I caved, crying on my bed, messaging
a friend about their behavior and my guilt in it all.

How can they talk to me like this? Who do they think
they are? It's official... I've ruined them. Now what?

We bounced back from that day, but the defeat
left a bruise on my heart, and in some ways,
a resignation to the fact that the pain I brought us
in years past, will continue to color our lives.

Don't get me wrong, as kids go, mine are awesome.
But often I wonder how much damage my bad choices
really did to them and how it will affect the rest of their lives
and if it is too late to make an impact by living rightly.

Today I thought about
what those other parents would say,
if I stopped striving for better... because I thought it was already too late.

There is only one way that it is ever too late.

I am so thankful for God who never looked at me and thought, "It's too late to help that one..." 

He saved me from the pit of destruction that I created with my own hands... and in doing so He saved them too. 

17 Surely it was for my benefit
that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins
behind your back.
18 For the grave cannot praise you,
death cannot sing your praise;
those who go down to the pit
cannot hope for your faithfulness.
19 The living, the living—they praise you,
as I am doing today;
parents tell their children
about your faithfulness.

~Isaiah 38:17-19

18 So commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these words of mine. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. 19 Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. 20 Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. 

~Deuteronomy 11:18-20 NLT

Doing better

Doing much better tonight.

I wish is wasn't so difficult

to remember sometimes,

that God is in control.
I wish lots of things had

worked out differently,
but am thankful tonight

that His grace is enough.

God is good, no matter what happens.

He has a plan and it isn't always clear from where I am standing.

When I asked Him to shine through the cracks yesterday,

and focused on letting Him take care of my heart

I started seeing things differently.

None of the circumstances have changed, and if I dwell on it I could still be upset. But if I've learned nothing else over these last several months, it's that God has a better plan than I do. Holding on to that today.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” 

~Psalm 32:8 (NIV)

“It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.” 

~Psalm 118:8 (NIV)

Chances

The last few weeks, as I've neglected
to return his texts with the same
intensity at which he sends them,
things have started to cool with D.

Living fourteen hours from someone
you care about, who is all talk and
no action is not something anyone
can make work. Especially not me.

I finally told him I can't do it anymore,
this is not what God wants for my life,
I don't blame him. He has never changed
since I met him... I just saw what I wanted to see.

I was always believing hope and prayer
would be enough to change his life.
And whether it affected my life or not,
that someday I would get to see his transformation.

I still believe it will happen one day. I know God
is bigger than anything, whether it be PTSD or
general jerkiness (they can be hard to separate).  I doubt
I'll be close enough to see it. I hope I hear about it though.


I have a friend who is back with the guy
that God doesn't have planned for her life.
She knows it. We've talked about it.
But much like me, she can't let go.

Someone else recently said to me
it's funny how I have such good advice
for other people's relationships,
but I can't see it in my own.

How can I keep telling people to let go of
their destructive relationships, to let go of
the people in their lives who cause pain,
who lie, cheat, and steal from them...
If I'm unwilling to do it myself?

As much as I would argue that I hate misery,
I give God control over things knowing that
He can do a better job, and then take them back
and try to make them work myself... and make myself miserable.

Did you just say to yourself,
"Well ____ doesn't steal from me,
so she's not talking about them."
Theft of time is worse than any earthly possession.

Time you could have spent with your family.
Time you could have spent with your real friends.
Time you could have spent with the 'right' one.
Time you could have spent at the feet of Jesus.

I'm still so far from perfect and have a long way to go, but I'm determined to use what God gives me in the ways He wants me to use it... even if I get turned around from time to time in the process. I am so thankful that He is the God of second chances and that He's apparently given me an unlimited supply, as long as I keep asking for them and trying to do it right.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. 

~2 Peter 3:9

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
~Phil 1:6

Tuesday

I spent Tuesday in bed.

A truly inspiring Christian author
wrote me yesterday, calling me a
"faithful, humble and bold believer"
and I couldn't help but think,
"If he only knew I was so
discouraged that I spent Tuesday
in bed, sleeping and crying."

How bold and faithful is that?

Since my post about "Worth"
last week, Satan has made it his
mission to see that I don't recognize
mine by bringing to light the
comments, thoughts and actions of
those who often act as if I have none,
from exes to my own children.

This isn't what I asked God to show me.

As I function as this person I am, and
then turn and share about the love, mercy,
and grace of God with others,
I feel like I'm two different people.
The faithful, humble, bold believer, and
the girl who recognized the oncoming train
as an attack by Satan, but didn't run.

No, I laid down on the track in front of it.

I love being the girl who shares with others about
what God has done in my life. I love inspiring
people with hope of what He wants to do
in theirs. I love connecting with people,
sharing, pouring into them, saying something
I feel is random and finding out God put
those words in my heart for just that one person.

Being that girl is awesome.

Some days I just wish I could get THAT girl to knock some sense into THIS one.

Progress, I guess

Not content to be the slow and steady tortoise.
I know better than to be the high and mighty hare.
Three steps forward and two and a half back is
still progress, right? So slow though. So slow.

I worry tonight that I may never get it right,
that 30 years from now God will say, "I did have
an awesome plan, but it didn't seem as though
you wanted it badly enough to play by My rules.
You missed it, and I moved on. Sucks to be you."

Would He do that? I don't know. 

I recently told a friend "If there was a chance
'A' was available and interested,  it would
take a moment or less to say, " 'D' who?"
Later, another thought crossed my mind...

Am I so much less inspired by God,
the creator of Heaven and Earth, the One who
promises to give me everything I will ever need,
that I would take a leap of faith for a man who will
at some point let me down, but not a God who promises otherwise?

Don't I trust Him more than that? I thought I did.

Tonight I watched reality TV. Bear Grylls
talked about not needing to have a tight grip
on the things of this world because he's
holding tightly to the One that matters most.

My heart swelled to see it on Prime Time,
but inside I felt a little tug that annoyed me.
I'm not asking for fame or fortune or a nice car,
clothes, house, money, I don't care about those.
Why is wanting to love and be loved wrong?

How do I make myself want it less? I don't know.

And as I write I think, "What happened to focusing
on His glory and not on your struggles?"
That's one of those steps back I guess.
If I got it all right the first try (or the 27th)
how real would that be? Writing it out and continuing on...

Faster than the tortoise and smarter than the hare, I hope.
Although, that begs the question, "Where is the finish line?"

Upside down and backwards

What an understatement it is
to say living completely by faith
without logic or excuses
is a difficult thing.
It's not that I don't believe
God will sustain and prosper
such a life, lived for His glory.
It's not even that I'm worried
about the times that will be hard.

It's that, for a girl
who has lived her whole life
in constant fear of the unknown,
not knowing what God's plan is
and still saying "Okay, I'm all Yours!"
is like going to an amusement park
and riding all the rides facing backwards,
never knowing if I'll be headed
up or down the next second,
or if the roller coaster
is about to slow down, stop, 
plunge me into a corkscrew,
or send me through a loop
that leaves me dangling upside down.

What I have to cling to
is the belief that when
this roller coaster stops
and it's time to change rides,
I will get off at the platform,
and say, "That was awesome. Which one
do You want me to ride next, Lord?"
And also hope that those standing around,
watching me do things that seem to defy logic
will stop and say, "Riding all the rides backwards?
No concrete knowledge of what's coming?
Just a belief that everything will be okay?
I think that's how I'm supposed to be riding too..."


If Jesus is the Word made flesh, then to know Him, I need to know the Word.

Today as I struggled with getting up and making time for Him, and ultimately chose to write instead of read, that ever faithful (even when I'm not) God of mine said, "You're not going to get anywhere reading on your computer or your phone. Go buy a Bible."

If I look hard enough, I could probably find ten Bibles in my house. I can even see one from where I sit, but I don't think the Kid's Adventure Bible is really what He has in mind. I'll add it to my 'to do' list today and see what happens. I have a busy day ahead of me, but I'm faithful He will give me an opportunity to fit it in, if that's what He wants me to do.

Praying that He remembers that I'm not so great at listening yet, and turns the speakers up a bit for the moment... and that this roller coaster I am on, that I feel slowly and gently clack-clack-clacking up this steep hill, gives me a few minutes to make sure my seat belt is secure, my sunglasses and cell phone are stowed away safely, and my shoes are tied tightly before we plunge down the next drop or into a corkscrew.

I don't know which it will be or how far ahead it is so I'll just prepare and wait.

(He'll like, warn me first... right? Riiight...)

For we walk by faith, not by sight. 

~2 Corinthians 4:7

Come

God made me a pretty smart girl.
I have some good ideas from time to time.
If a good idea in a willing servant is God-inspired,
there is very little that can keep it from becoming reality.

As much as I try to be a willing servant
so many "good ideas" have fallen apart for me
when I tried to take action on them.
Even the ones that I thought would bring Him
the glory He wants and so richly deserves.

Don't You see that I am trying to do something amazing here?
When people see it, they will give You the glory!
This will prove to so many that it only takes
faith to move mountains.

Then it doesn't work out, and I am heartbroken.
Tired, depressed, angry, irritated, and unmotivated.
Pray? Why bother? (As if I'm punishing Him.)

Read? I don't feel like it. (As if somehow He will cave to my sulking.)

I'm reading a book, The Extravagant Fool by Kevin Adams. Here is an incident he related in this book between him and his daughter that floored me, probably much like it did Kevin when it happened...

At age four she came bouncing from the bathroom, dripping wet with tears in her eyes, to ask, “Daddy, didn't you say that anything is possible with God if you just believe hard enough?”

“Sure, sweet girl. Absolutely.”

“Well, Daddy . . . I’ve just come from the bathtub, and it was filled up to the top.”

“Uh-huh.” I suddenly imagined myself backhanding the floating chairs, toilet seats, and toothbrushes half submerged in Bathroom Lake.

“Daddy?”

“Yes, sweetheart?” I’m now reluctantly reaching for the bathroom door, with her close behind me.

“Well, um . . . I’ve been trying and trying to walk on the water the whole time, and I just can’t do it. I’m really sorry, Daddy. I believed I could do it with God’s help, but I can’t — and I’m really sorry.”

With profound silence, I looked at her curious little face and hoped for a routine word ...

... But all I had to offer this time was a hug — one I couldn’t let go of without a little extra help from above.

Help me, Father. Just one thought that gently brought the next one:

Anything is possible with Me, but not everything is useful to Me. Peter only walked after I said, “Come.”
“Sweet girl,” I said on the heels of that thought, “it is possible for you to walk on water, but only if it’s something God wants you to do. Did He tell you to walk on the water?”

“No, Daddy, He didn’t. I just wanted to.”

Before I could finish that brilliant thought, though, she was on to the next subject.

It doesn't matter if I have the best intentions or the worst intentions. It doesn't matter if my end goal is selfish or if I want it to work for His glory. If it isn't His will, I will ultimately fail.

 I can tell God I want to make a relationship work, I want to write a book, 

I want to grow my company into something huge in His name,
I want to bring people to Him with the story He's given me

I want to teach teen moms their self worth and help them 

break free from the negative patterns in their lives, 

I want to walk on water.

The reason why doesn't matter.

Whether trying to bring glory to my name or His.
None of what "I want" means anything...

If I don't first listen for Him to say "Come..."

And He said, "Come!" And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 
~Matthew 14:29

Stop

This guy I knew a long time ago emailed me earlier this week.
I told him I knew he was only after
one thing and he was not going

to be getting it from me... 

     that I'm a different girl now... 

          and I sent him on his way.

Then you basically tell me you want the same things from me... 

     except you live so far away now.

You talk about coming back for me... but admit it would be next year, if at all.
Careful to tell me not to wait, you still throw it out there as a 'what if.'

I tell myself what you want is different 

     than what the other guy wanted, 

        Why? Because I love you... but really it's not fair. 

You had so many opportunities to love me, and you didn't take them. 

Don't tell me how much you regret it now that you are gone.

Don't talk about what 'maybe' could have happened if.

Don't talk about what 'maybe' could happen in the future.

I deserve someone who wants all of me... forever.

I deserve someone who knows how to love me back.

Not just someone who wants to send me sweet text messages
that mean nothing when applied to real daily life.

And I want to tell you to stop. 

But I don't want you to stop. 

Because sometimes a text message 

that makes me feel wanted

feels better than loneliness.

Which makes me wonder if

maybe I'm not a different girl after all.

I know I talk too much. 

You don't want to know any of this. 

You just want me to tell you to stop or don't,

because you said you'd stop if I told you to.

Don't. 

Stop. 

Don't stop.

And I can't help but wonder if this is a test.

Maybe this is the time I'm supposed to make the right choice

and God will decide I'm ready for something else...
or maybe I'm fooling myself with this as well...

     or setting myself up for defeat... 

          because I will never make the right choice every time.

One right choice followed by another followed by maybe even one more... eventually followed by a lot of stupidity... and then I have to start all over again. And anyone who read my last blog post is saying, "This doesn't sound like the girl who was practicing thankfulness and praying over her list."

Three steps forward 

and 2.5 steps back.
Welcome to my life.

Self respect vs him

I've admitted to knowing that my relationship with D is unhealthy.
When I'm unavailable due to distance or emotion, he tends to try harder.
When I come around emotionally or when he gets back into town from a trip,
he is suddenly no longer interested in spending time or even talking to me.

I've been working on coming to terms with this weird push-pull.
 
While we haven't been dating over the last several months,
I wanted to believe something was there over these last weeks.
I wanted to believe all the best in him that I knew I had seen.
I wanted to believe that D and I would work, were PTSD not involved.

I hope I can truly say that this particular roller-coaster ride is over.

It is not uncommon for people in my life to tell me they will do something
but not follow through for one reason or another. Often waiting until
the very last moment, or beyond, to cancel or make an excuse for backing out.
Over the last year the lack of respect in this has become increasingly irritating.

Still, every time D did it, I made an excuse for him, PTSD. Even upset, I let it go.

He's been doing it more and more lately, then flashing a smile and asking
me to forgive him as though he had no control over the circumstances.
This afternoon he tried it again, this time cutting an entire evening of plans
down to what would amount to an hour on Friday for a quick dinner.

I told him that if I'm not important enough to make time for, then to forget it.

I truly think he thought he would call my bluff by saying, "Forget it then."
I told him "Thanks for letting me know." I'm sure he was waiting for more.
I started to tear up and then I told myself, this has nothing to do with you.
He has proven himself not worth my time and energy any longer.

As I told a friend, "That could change in 10 minutes..." but it hasn't yet.

I think that when he realizes I really am upset enough to not care anymore
he will try to get back into my good graces. That's how this game is played.
I pray I have the strength to resist. I pray God takes my feelings for him
and tosses them deep into the sea, leaving them there, on the ocean floor.

In the battle of self-respect vs a man's attention there should be a no contest.

Should be no contest.  Those are some very important words there.
Does that mean he won't try again? No. Does that mean I wont fail? No.
But to get back to that healthier person I thought I was a few months ago
I am going to have to try harder than I have been, and be more determined.

Prayer changes things. I know this. Please pray for me. With God I know I can do this.

Pray for us, for our conscience is clear and we want to live honorably in everything we do.
~Hebrews 13:18

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. 

~Proverbs 31:25

Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a good conscience, desiring to conduct ourselves honorably in all things - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Self-Respect#sthash.ss31L6We.dpuf

Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a good conscience, desiring to conduct ourselves honorably in all things - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Self-Respect#sthash.ss31L6We.dpuf

Still the same

Far from perfect, yet
I still thought I did
everything mostly right.
So it didn't make sense
that it was really over.

When I realized it was,
all I wanted to do was
send a giant F You upwards
to the One who knew
I'd get hurt,
     and didn't care
          enough to stop it.

It was hard work deciding
to do things differently.
It was hard believing that
I could change and was
a new creation. But I did.

"Doesn't it seem like
you are following
the same old patterns
with this relationship
as you did before?" he said.

"No. This is different.
You are different than
those guys. Our relationship
is not the same as the ones
I had before." I said.

"We're not getting back together.
Nothing that happens now
is going to change anything.
You understand that, right?"

"Yes," I lied, and pulled him to me.