Accountability

This blog started 

as a way to hold myself 

accountable.

 I want to make sure 

that doesn't slip away.

 Temptation 

comes in many forms.

Tonight it came in the form 

of half a can of cream cheese frosting.

Earlier it came in the form 

of a double cheeseburger.

I’ll be running without fail tomorrow afternoon.

I hit a net loss of 76lbs before thanksgiving 

and was still holding on to it this morning.

Not so sure tomorrow will be the same.

Um, I also smothered my cottage cheese with french fried onions today.
Twice.

I think that's all.

There might be more to say tonight...

     but I'm hungry. 

God's Daughter

Being a child of God is not a new concept.
We are all children of God.
I've always known that.

Being told that I am His daughter
makes me cringe a little.
Maybe not cringe...
but it isn't a feeling
that I enjoy.
He must know I can't stand hearing it
because people keep saying it to me randomly
and it is something I don't really
remember hearing before.
I've said this other times,
but it's worth repeating...
God doesn't believe in "random."

Yesterday morning
while I was volunteering
someone came up to
another volunteer and I
and started going into detail
about what it means
to be God's daughter.
I smiled and nodded
and politely said
thank you
when he went away.

As a girl who very much
wants to believe she
doesn't have those
stereotypical
daddy issues
that so many people
talk about
this is probably a concept
I need to explore
a bit more.

But as soon as I started writing
about this
my head started to throb
just enough
to make me rethink blogging
about it today.

Gathering laundry
Going for a run
Picking up kids
Going to the laundromat

Wow... exercise and laundry? I must really be wanting to avoid this... lol

I'm still fighting...

God and I have spent months picking apart pieces of my life and getting rid of them. Really, some pieces of my life God and I have been fighting over for years. This year has been the hardest... and the best so far.

So many things are different these days... changes in my friends, dealing with addictions, kicking habits, and kicking other general craziness to the curb. Obviously it's not ALL gone, but most days I feel like I can breathe... which hasn't always been the case.

I know God has so many plans for me, even though much of it seems to be just outside of my reach at the moment. If I keep pressing forward, these things will be mine in His timing. I have to keep growing... I know these things are out of my reach because He knows I'm not ready yet... even if I think I am.

Maybe it's because of this determination that the temptation to fail is stronger than it has ever been. And I say temptation because, I would have to willingly jump off this path to find the ones I used to run. I would have to call people I'd already cut out of my life. I would have to go to places that I don't hang out any more. I would have to search for stuff that I have gotten rid of.

But I still hear it... if you fail, you'll be forgiven. Nobody is perfect. Maybe you've taken this too far... and you should just live a little. It's always there in the back of my mind. Some days I feel so weak that I don't think I'll win... but I can't just walk away again.

In my heart I know better.

So I purposely fill my time with the good friends I have made, and the business God has given me, and my kids who know very little, if anything, about what my life was like... even though they were living it... as well as good habits like running... and learning... and praying... as well as writing, in faith that God will turn this mess into something beautiful that will change somebody else's life someday.

Today I am feeling strong... a few days ago... not so much. But I just have to remember Isaiah 43:2:

 

"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you."

I just have to keep fighting through. There were moments this last week when I didn't know how I was going to do it... but here I am. Feeling fantastically hopeful on a Monday evening with a great week ahead... still headed in the right direction... because He isn't going to let me drown.

How long have you been planning THIS!?!

Over the past several months, as I spend more time listening to God and less time listening to myself... He has begun showing me some of His plans. As He has done so, I keep thinking, "Really? Are you sure?"

While I was running on Sunday night and having a little conversation with God (it feels weird to say I was praying... because I talk to Him all day long... my eyes are open, my hands are often busy, and I'm almost never sitting still... but we talk to each other.) So I'm having this conversation and a memory pops into my mind...

Eight years ago I was living in "Christian Lite" mode... easy to do. Lots of people do it every day and I know I have, off and on, for a long time...

Anyway, not long after my youngest was born, I received a Christian Women's magazine in the mail. One of the articles I was reading about was especially interesting to me, but I remember having this inward conversation... "I could explain what she is trying to say in a way that more women would understand... but to be credible I'd have to stop living the way I am living..." and I put it down and never looked at it again...

Now, did this incident happen because I was ready to begin the journey then and I just didn't listen? Or, was this something that happened then... so that He could remind me of it now, so that I would KNOW it had been His plan all along?

I don't know. That isn't the question I needed answered... He answered the one I needed answered. I wanted to know He knew all of this was going to happen as STILL wanted me to do what I feel Him calling me to do.
He, in all of His PERFECTION knew each and every choice and mistake that I was going to make over the years... and He STILL called me to this.

Does speaking publicly still scare me to death? Yes. I can't even say I haven't considered turning and running and doing the opposite of what I know I should do. I could listen to the lies of the enemy that wants me to back down from this challenge...  But someone reminded me today... I AM NOT THAT GIRL ANYMORE... He chose me to do what I am about to do... and that means that if He puts me in an arena speaking to 5000, or in a small church speaking to 10... I can do it. Because HE SAID SO!

I also need to remember that I am constantly seeking His will now... and I definitely wasn't back then. So, when I mess up, it isn't the end of the world... it's all part of the process... He knows I'm not perfect... if I was, I wouldn't need Him...  So last night, when I totally blew up at my kids who were doing their best to make me crazy, He said... don't forget that one... it'll probably be part of a story you are telling others some day to help them get through this very thing...

Jesus is my personal trainer

Over the last year I have lost 65lbs... and have about 40 more to go. I recently took up what I thought was going to be trail-walking... but I was listening to Judah Smith preach (his sermon with a strong, steady beat in the music behind him) through my earbuds and couldn't help myself... when he talks about joy and freedom... I just want to run! I have never been a runner!

(From a t-shirt I saw online.)

I've added some encouraging songs with a strong beat to my playlist as well and it occurred to me today as I was out on a trail that there is something special about pushing yourself to your physical limits and hearing God's word (or talking to Him) at the same time.

My atheist friend would call it "lack if oxygen" but I know there is more.

Your lack of ability to keep up emotional walls just opens up places for Jesus to work where you haven't been letting Him in...

I think back to when I used to watch that TV show "The Biggest Loser" and their personal trainers would push and push and push the contestants until they broke... until they were sobbing and breathless and suddenly talking about all the hurts in their past and why they eat and why they rage and why they are too depressed to move on a daily basis.

Physical exertion can break the walls you've built within yourself. Sometimes it picks at the mortar, making it crumble a tiny bit at a time... but at some point for me there was a "boom"... there was probably a visible physical jolt, if anyone had been around to see it...  

When I had pushed myself to the point where I wanted to stop and sit in the grass and sob about every stupid choice I had ever made, every wrong thing in my life and refuse to ever move again... I had these words in my ears...

(Hit "play" on the youtube video to hear the actual song... you can hear why it would be good to run to.)

"You are no match for sin. You are no match for temptation... The only hope for sexual purity in today's society is beauty and majesty of Jesus. when your eyes and your heart and your emotions get captured by the beauty and the majesty and the loveliness of Jesus it will cause you to resist temptation and look only to Him...

Bondage, addiction, temptation, secrecy, pain... It must bow and it falls back at the mention of His great name. I am convinced that the blood of Jesus is the most powerful agent in human history... and it can set you free... for whom Jesus sets free is free indeed!"

Jesus' love is the answer to your pain.
Just Jesus.
Jesus plus nothing is the answer..."

(Jesus is Bringing Sexy Back; Judah Smith)