Tuesday, December 30, 2014


For someone energized by being around people,
a week of being stuck at home sick
proved to be too much for my mind and spirit.
Stomach flu on Christmas Eve Eve, followed by
fever and cough, only a few hours of “well” in between.

By day six, ten minutes without crying was my limit.
"Mind over matter" didn't work. I told the kids to get ready,
we were going out for dinner. Then the sunlight hit my retinas.
There was sneezing and tears, followed by real tears, followed by
a three hour nap after telling the kids, "Eat whatever you want."

We've gone through a lot of cereal this week.

While I know "Greater is He Who is in me,"
Satan is still pretty smart. Smarter than me.
I was weak from all of this, and he knew it, 
calculating the lies I was most likely to believe, 
lying alone there in my room, in the dark. I didn't even fight back.

I did manage to write a guest blog post about how faith
has changed my life. I sent it off feeling like a total fraud,
laying in bed, crying about life. I fought with a few people via text, 
ranted about this and that via IM, even sent off an angry email,
followed by an apology a few hours later.

All because I wasn't fighting back.

I'm feeling 95% better today...
and thinking about how I could have done things differently.
Why didn't I have praise and worship music playing?
Why didn't I stop and pray before I said words I couldn't take back?
Why have I read 127 internet articles this week, but few Bible verses?

Pain and sickness, two of the easiest ways to pull my eyes from Jesus.
In hindsight I see everything I could have done better a little more clearly.
Had I not been so caught up in busyness the week before, that I had
neglected prayer and reading and spending time with Him, it probably
wouldn't have been so far from my mind when I hit this wall this week.

Live and learn? I hope so.I can't believe I was so unprepared.

I still flew off the handle at my kids morning,
not quite as ready for the “normal” as I thought.
Pretty sure that I still owe them a better apology too.
Glad every minute is a chance to make the next right choice
and even failing completely an hour ago, doesn't mean the day is ruined.

Headed to Christmas at Mom's now.
My oldest child is driving while I type.
Looking forward to french toast, bacon and eggs.
Expecting to gain back some of the nearly10lbs I've lost this week... and not care a bit.

Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.
Colossians 4:2

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like 
a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8
Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-Prepared#sthash.NvO6MOYb.dpuf

Friday, December 26, 2014

Why write?

I write to keep a record of this journey,
give others hope, to show that God
doesn't use perfect people, and
that we all stumble, but
keeping our focus on Him
makes every struggle worth it.

I write because I know that
in the grand scheme of things,
while I am special to Him,
I am not any more or less special
than anyone else, and the amazing things
He does for me, He will do for others as well.

I write because I know that
when I pull Him close, He reveals
so much more to me about life
and love and hopes and dreams and
failure and success and what
it truly means to walk by faith
than I could get from any other source.

I write not because I think my writing
is great or that the world needs to hear truths
from me over anyone else. In fact, so many
times I have typed words and sat dumbfounded,
reading a message He clearly had me write
to teach myself something I was missing.

There are many reasons why I write,
and I could go on and on about them,
but the most important one is this: Because He told me to.

I started this blog to hold myself accountable for my issues, to work through them and give myself a visible timeline showing what my walk with Him looks like, to help me learn to rely on God over all else... not to give those who wish to persecute me a list of my mistakes, slip-ups, stumbles, and out-right acts of rebellion. But I haven't written as much lately because some turmoil in my life has been created by someone who wishes to do just that.

Today I'm reminding myself of the reasons I write, and reminding myself that God has a plan here that I can't let go of... even if others will try to twist it to use against me. Three steps forward and two steps back makes the journey slow at times, but it is real and honest. If I am nothing else, I have to be real and honest.

But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.  
~1 John 4:4

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Resting is hard work

A recent speaker to my church talked about being called a workaholic. He said he laughed when he heard it, "I hate work! I'm not a workaholic." The response was that it isn't the work he was addicted to, it was the finished product. It was the satisfaction of a job well done. It was what he gets from doing the work.

I thought to myself, "So maybe I'm a volunteeraholic?"

That week alone, between a special conference and volunteering for other things, I had spent over 20 hours at the church. I am there, volunteering, several days a week on a slow week. Several times a month I volunteer at the local food pantry that helped me when I needed it most. I recently volunteered to babysit a friend's newborn foster child while she works her third shift job a couple nights a week. And if a friend asks for help with something, I make sure I do what I can.

But why? I am a single mom with four children and a business to run. I could tell anyone on any given day that I'm too busy to do anything else and they would understand.

The opposite of love is self... selfishness... and we are to love one another. That's what I am doing.. serving people Jesus loves. Giving of myself to help further His Kingdom... right?

I'm also having a lot of fun doing some of it. I truly love working in the sound booth and working with the lighting, media, and video. I hope God is giving me this opportunity for a reason, that I am gaining skills that will be useful to Him in the future. All in all though, regardless of how it works out, I know I am doing it for Him.

It is impossible to ignore, however, the sense of satisfaction I get, the boost in my own self-esteem and self worth that comes from being important to others... I sometimes wonder if these positive aspects of volunteering don't push me to do more than I should. 

Why is being appreciated by people so important? I have worth to Him whether I am helping with one more thing or not. While wrestling with this thought lately, God has shown me several times that doing work for Him is a lot easier than resting in Him. 

Easier than resting? Resting is easy. Resting equals laziness. While nobody would come right out and say that, internally it is said loud and clear in the silence, the absence of accolades. 

Too tired to read the Word, too scattered to pray without making it a "multi-tasking" opportunity, I neglect Him more than I should... and I often do it IN HIS NAME! While God loves it when we nurture our relationship with Him, it is harder to explain to people that the reason behind a "no" is because our relationship with God is suffering. So, we tell Him "no" instead. 

Then we continue to push Him farther away by spending so much time doing things for Him instead of just spending time with Him, resting in His presence.

That's the key. Anyone can take a day off. Anyone can turn down duties or quit serving in certain areas. Resting IS easy. Resting in Him isn't.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
~Psalm 62:5-8