Connected dots

I love the way God knows how to touch us individually. He doesn't just do good things and hope that

Lauren and me on

a zoo visit.

we get that it was for us. He's like the parent who makes a special trip to the store to ensure the bows on a daughter's birthday gift are her favorite color. It's a parent's way of saying "I see you. I know you. I love you."

With God there's so often that little touch, that special something that is Him saying, "I see you. I know you. I love you." He wants me to know He is doing something for me, not just for somebody... but for me specifically. Not just a family, but MY family.

About 12 1/2 years ago, not long after Lauren was diagnosed with Hurler's Syndrome, I met an incredible network of people who are also parents of children with Hurler's and similar diseases. They became my best resource and source of hope on the days where I felt like the whole universe was against us.

Not long after I found them, someone shared a beautiful poem/essay written by Emily Perl Kingsley called, "Welcome to Holland."

Emily drew a beautiful metaphor: If having a baby was like planning a trip to Italy, where I read the guidebooks and learned some of the language and packed everything that I needed for the journey to Italy, then finding out I have a child with special needs is like the plane landing at the airport and having the flight attendants say, "Welcome to Holland."

And it's easy, and even natural, to be angry. Stomp your foot. Say, "I didn't want to go to Holland. I

Lauren and Ella, St Patrick's Day 2019

wanted to go to Italy. I'm ready for Italy. I never planned for Holland...!" She talks about it being normal to grieve for Italy, but then points out that if the only thing I focused on is the fact that I wasn't in Italy, I will miss out on all the beautiful things to see, right there in Holland... windmills and tulips and Rembrandts... just to name a few.

Emily had explained it so perfectly for me. Your perspective is what matters. Look around. Appreciate what you have. It applied to so many situations, that I have shared it with many, many people throughout the last 12 years.

Early this year, when Lauren's Make A Wish wish-granters came to the house, I was surprised when she told them what her wish was. It wasn't anything that I had heard her say before. And I didn't immediately make any kind of connection. Only later, as I was sitting on my couch, contemplating things on my own, did I realize that the daughter who brought me to the proverbial Holland, was now literally taking me to Italy.

It's hard for me to share that without tearing up.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't believe that God made Lauren choose Italy for me at all. But, as a

Norweigan Epic - Our Cruise Ship

good friend once said, "God plays chess backwards." He knew that this is where we were going long before Lauren was even born. And, that Emily's essay would come to mean a lot to me over the years.

In the making of this miracle, God said, "I've seen you. I've known you. I love you."

And, just so you know, I don't think I'm special. And by that I mean He does this for everybody... you just have to look for it.

He sees you. He knows you. He loves you.

And He delights in showing you, if you're willing to see it.

My friend called it a game of chess, but I see a page full of dots... thousands of seemingly random dots. It might be years before some of the dots are connected, but when they finally are, the picture will take your breath away.

Rome, Italy

Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:29-31

Six years ago this week

This is the time of year where Facebook Memories reminds me daily of how far I've come.
Six years and a couple days ago I posted about just being thankful to have any roof over my head and to wake up someplace where I wasn't afraid of what anyone in the place I was living was going to do that day.

Of course, the new place the kids and I were living was a campground and I had no idea what was in store in the coming months. It was just day one.

Things got way worse before they got any better.
At one point I lost all hope that anything would change for us... And yet, here we are. 


Some days I'll see the status updates from back then and remember what really happened that day... because I was too ashamed to admit the truth to anyone. Other days I'll just wish I hadn't re-read it because that girl was a hot mess!

If I could have seen this far into the future back then, I would have laughed and told God He had the wrong girl... and I would have been right. I barely recognize that girl when I look in the mirror these days. (That's a good thing.)

I wasn't going to post this, then my 14yo randomly said to me, "Can you imagine if someone had told us about our lives now back when we moved into the camper? We would have laughed."

Laughed. Cried. Run and hid. We would have done something!

I don't know what all of my friends are struggling through right now... but know that if I could tell you now how much better your life will be when you just have a little faith... you would probably laugh at me too.

All I can say right now is just hang on... and keep your eyes open. God has a plan, but He won't force you into it. So, when God puts opportunities in front of you... take them.

And when you look behind you, don't beat yourself up over all the things that pulled you down. Grace and mercy have followed you for a reason. Look behind you and see them there, covering everything else and be thankful.

I know some of you are thinking, "Kindall, you've done what you've done because of YOU..." And you are partly right. I hear you... and I LOVE that so many people believe in me and are proud of me.

It is true that I saw opportunities and I took them. Work needed to be done and I worked my butt off. Parts of me were broken and I went and found the help that I needed to fix them.

But I didn't have the strength to do all of that myself... not until I understood what God really thought of me, that I could be secure in my belief that He ONLY wanted good for me. That He doesn't just care about eternity, but also my life while I'm here... that He wasn't just waiting for me to make a mistake so He could make an example of me. 

Some people have told me, "You're just blessed. Whatever you touch works out." Haha. Not quite. But when you look at the things that HAVE worked out and wonder why... know that God doesn't love me any more than He loves you. 

Good is coming.

Believe it and look for it.

Don't be scared. Just jump in.

Something amazing is about to happen. 

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesian 2:10

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory!

Ephesians 3:20

Just ask

Before we were officially dating, my boyfriend commented that he worried about whether or not he would be able to be the provider he thought I needed. I didn't even have to think about my response to him. "If you are worried about that, you've found the right girl. I don't depend on any man for my support. I've got God for that."

While I hadn't really thought about it before that moment, as soon as I said it, I knew it was the truth.

Often I need money. I am a single mom and a business owner. There are always expenses. Right now I have a child about to start college, I'm trying to gather a down payment for a house, and I need new $800 tires. Am I worried? No. God always provides. Always.

But Kindall, weren't you homeless once? Where was His provision there?

I was. I don't believe that it was God's will for us to be homeless. I believe that God let me do what I wanted and deal with the earthly consequences until I gave up and let Him take over. God can and will get us through, but it takes something on our part, faith.

Before that time, I was fighting for myself. I would say I had faith that God would get us through and then devise a plan to get money to pay whatever bill needed covered. He often came through in unexpected ways, but I believe that if I had listened to His plan from the beginning, things would have worked out much differently, with a lot less suffering.

Because I focused on my problems instead of on Him, I could only think about ways I could possibly fix it instead of letting Him shine through the situation.

Exodus 14:14 says, "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." In my case, I had to wear myself out fighting before I was still enough to let Him take over.

I recently spoke with someone about what they needed to change in their church to bring in and keep those people who tithe, which is what he believed was needed to bring in the money their church needed to expand. I told him,"I understand what you are saying, but you are talking about what you need to do 'in the natural'... God doesn't need to work that way." He kept comparing his church to other churches in the area. I don't think he understood what I was trying to say.

This is what I know. If we want God to move, we can't tell Him how to do it. We have to have faith that He will and get out of the way.

I can't say that I know his church well, but maybe God isn't planning on giving them money to fix this or that. Maybe He isn't even planning on bringing in "those people." What if God wants to prosper the small businesses within that church so the current members have more to tithe? There are countless other options as well.

Having faith that God will prosper you, doesn't mean you copy what others who are prospering do. It means you trust Him to make His will clear and you trust Him to show you His path, even if all you can see is one step at a time.

Having faith and making plans usually don't go together. I've learned the hard way that when you make plans to prosper yourself, you get in the way of God's plans to make sure you prosper.

I love the parable of the Prodigal Son in the Bible. We have all been that son before. We know what it is like to walk the wrong path for awhile and have to humble ourselves to ask for help.

Often though, we are the other brother... we stay and work and are faithful to our Father. In the parable, he complains to his father that so much attention and expense are being lavished on the brother who came back...

And [his father] said to him, ‘

Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours...' 

~Luke 15:31 ESV

God says the same to us, you know. All that He has is ours... we just have ask Him for it.

And my God shall supply every need of yours 

according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 4:19 ASV

And since we are his children, we are his heirs. 

In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory.

~Romans 8:17a NLT

Thank You, Lord, for your acceptance of us as heirs with Christ. We know that You consider all that You have to be ours and that You will provide according to Your riches. Thank You for extending grace when we get in Your way, and gently nudging us when we stray from the path You have planned for us. I don't know the needs of the people agreeing with me in this prayer right now, but I have faith that You are reminding someone right now that You've got this and You have already dispatched provision for them, even if they don't see it yet. 

You are a good, good, Father and we are so thankful.

In Jesus name we pray. Amen.

Grace wins

Facebook memories.

What happened on this day in the history of your life?

This post came through mine this morning.

The most amazing thing to me today is that I was preaching forgiveness when I didn't have a very good grasp on it myself.

I thought I did. I thought I understood well. Here is proof that I was living it out, wasn't I?

But I know what my spiritual life looked like then. I was giving it to others and trying to live it out, without completely accepting it for myself.

I had no idea how much God really desired for me to embrace grace... but I look back on a lot of these memories that come through my news feed and am amazed at how God was laying the framework for me to fully understand... just when I needed it most.

"Forgiveness is a powerful thing. It might possibly change the life of the person you give it to, but it will absolutely, 100% change your life every single time."

Grace wins.

Absolutely.

100%

Every. Single. Time.

Learning to forgive others is often the first step to understanding how to forgive yourself and how to accept the fact that God has already forgiven you for what you have done, what you're doing now, and what you will do in the future. It's already forgiven. 

You have been made righteous through Jesus Christ. God said it. Believe Him and forgive yourself. You've been set free... don't continue to be a slave.

What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 

By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?

~Romans 6:1-2

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.

~Galatians 5:13

But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness.

~Romans 6:17-18

Personalized blessings

It is nearly impossible these days to consider God as the impersonal God I thought I knew years ago. I can't really think of Him as anything but my Heavenly Father, Who wants only good for me and loves me enough to be in every detail of my life.

I can't tell you how many times during our vacation that I tried to put into words the gratitude I have for everything Jesus has done for us, only to have that gratitude come out as tears.

If someone told me that seeing my daughters meet Disney princesses in person would tear me up, I might have believed them. But tears also came in response to the squeals of delight I heard from the kids during the Indiana Jones ride and on Hyper-Space Mountain as well. (To be fair, that one might also have been the Star Wars fan in me coming out a bit.)

While my business continues to strengthen, I never imagined it would be possible to put together an entire vacation for us without going deeply into debt. But going away with all of the kids before my oldest leaves for college was weighing heavily on my heart, and God knew exactly what we needed. He provided and continued to provide while we were there.

We got a bargain on plane tickets and our hotel room as well. When reaching out for what I hoped would be a small discount on our Disney tickets, a friend stepped in and helped all five of us get into the park for the cost of about one ticket. My mom paid for our tickets for the activity that brought us to my very favorite, most heart-stopping moment of the trip. Over and again we were blessed beyond measure.

Here are just a few of my favorite moments from the last week...

Hanging out with my brother while watching my kids play in the ocean, 

at my favorite beach, during a California sunset. 

Seeing my oldest appear on-air with James Corden. 

Putting together care-packages for the homeless with the kids in our hotel room and seeing their faces light up when they saw someone in need because they were excited to be a blessing. 

Walking to the beach before sunrise, all on my own, just to treasure 

the awesomeness of God's creation and what He has done for us. 

Dolphins. So many Dolphins. 

While our vacation didn't go as perfectly as I had planned, it was full of amazingly perfect moments that I can't wait to write about. Not because I want to brag about our awesome vacation, but because each of those moments was God reminding me that He cares for us on an individual level.

He chose those moments for us because He loves us. Not because of anything we do, but because of our faith in Him. (John 6:29)

When you truly understand how much God loves you on a personal level, you can't help but see Him everywhere. When you know what He thinks when He thinks about you, and that all those thoughts are good, you start to believe that He does want good things for you and your life, not just in Heaven... but here and now.

Psalm 107 talks about how it doesn't matter who or where you are, He sees you...

Some gathered in the desert wastes. (Verse 4) 

Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death. (Verse 10)

Some were fools. (Verse 17)

Some went down to the sea in ships. (Verse 23)

But what does it say about all of these people?

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress. 

(Verses 6, 13, 19 & 28) 

If you read the whole chapter, you'll see that God not only delivered them from their distresses, but He did it in a way that was individual to their needs.

God loves each and every one of us and wants to not only deliver us from our distress, but to bless us individually. If we look around, with open eyes and an open heart, we can't help but see what He is doing everywhere...

The God I wanted to serve

It's no secret that striving to be a good Christian hasn't always been easy for me. As I've struggled over the years to be the person God wants me to be, I felt like a constant disappointment.

I believed that if He really knows everything from the tiniest of my thoughts to my stupid mistakes and right on up to my outright blasphemy at times, He's never truly going to be happy with me. Sure, I believed God forgave when I asked. I never doubted my eternal salvation. I knew I was getting in, but if the Pearly Gates were a heavy stone door, I was rolling under it, Indiana Jones style. Barely making the cut-off.

And then I encountered the Gospel of Grace. As I delve into teachings that I've never encountered before, and feel the Spirit move, I am blown away by both the simplicity and the complexity of the Word. Beliefs I've gathered from various friends, pastors, and churches over the years are falling off of my weighted-down shoulders and hitting the ground in a million pieces.

This (negative thing) was God's plan. *crashed*
Everything happens for a reason.  *shattered*
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. *smashed*
When you sin, God is angry with you. *demolished*
God will punish you for your sins. *destroyed*
There are still miracles, today, but not for me. *busted*
God uses pain and sickness to keep us humble. *obliterated*
God created this horrible circumstance to build your character. *disintegrated*

Read those. Do those sound like characteristics of a loving God? Yet, a lot of those are things you will hear in churches on a typical Sunday morning. After hearing them for 35 years, you'd think it wouldn't have been so easy for me to let go of those beliefs, especially if you believe some of them yourself.

Surprisingly, while there were some concepts that took time to wrap my brain around, it wasn't difficult for me to let go of these at all. Why?

A friend of mine put it perfectly. This is the God I've always wanted to serve. The one I WISHED existed... the One who wanted me to love Him without fear.

I wanted to love a God who didn't seem wishy-washy and didn't play favorites. I wanted a God who wanted my family and me well.

I wanted a God who didn't leave me looking at the Bible saying, "I'm never gonna live up to this." I wanted to love a God who instilled confidence in me as I am, as opposed to the nervous tight-rope walking I was doing before.

It turns out the God I wanted IS the God I love and serve... I just didn't know Him as well as I thought I did. So many things I attributed to God, and accepted because I believed they were from Him, were things I should have been fighting... because it isn't God who takes away, causes pain, makes people sick.

I could write on this forever, but I'll leave you with these verses. If you question some of the things I say God isn't... read these and the list of myths above and see which ones align with God's word.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; 

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
~John 10:10

He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Satan,-As-Deceiver#sthash.4SAmH4Rp.dpuf

He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Satan,-As-Deceiver#sthash.4SAmH4Rp.dpuf

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the 

Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 

~James 1:17

God doesn’t take back the gifts he has given or forget about the people he has chosen. 

~Romans 11:29

“Just as I swore in the time of Noah
    that I would never again let a flood cover the earth,
so now I swear that I will never again be angry and punish you. 

 For the mountains may move and the hills disappear,
but even then my faithful love for you will remain.
    My covenant of blessing will never be broken,”
    says the Lord, who has mercy on you."

~Isaiah 54:9-10

What negative things about God are you believing today that are keeping you from experiencing the joy that grace brings? 

Everyday God

I've prayed big prayers.
I've asked God to cover huge bills, provide housing,
fight for me when I thought nobody ever would... and He has. Every single time.

But what about the little things? What about the everyday provision? Oh sure, prayers go up when I'm running late for an appointment and can't find my keys, but really, God has enough going on. He doesn't really want to hear me ask for help with little things we deal with every day, right?

Blessed with some fresh green beans this week that I hoped to make into a recipe that my kids love, I realized the recipe would be good for a cook-out coming up this weekend. If I was going to do that though, I'd need some more fresh green beans... No big deal, I thought. Maybe I could find a road-side stand or get some at the farmers market this Saturday...

This morning a client let me into her home, gave her instructions for the day, and then said to me, "Could you use some fresh green beans? I have a whole bag and nobody will eat them here."

Green beans? Really? I mean, she could have had too many tomatoes, green peppers, cucumbers... but no, just green beans... and a couple of my favorite sweet peppers. She went on to explain that she usually splits her produce with a couple friends, both who were out of town this week.

My first thought was, "Thank You Jesus! I didn't even ask for help here, and You still provided!"

I love that I have a God who doesn't miss a chance to remind me He loves us and cares about my everyday. He isn't just God to those who are in desperate need. He is for us every single day and no detail is too small to escape His notice.

Feeling a little frustrated about your everyday? You don't have to. God cares about every single thing you go through, every single thing you deal with, every need, every thought, every wish, every single day. Ask Him for help now. Trust Him NOW, in the little things, in the everyday. Don't wait until you're overwhelmed with something big.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

~Matthew 6:26

 
If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!
~Luke 11:13

Convincing arguments

One of my kids recently asked me what she could say to convince someone who doesn't believe in God to start believing.

I told her the truth: Nothing. 

Your words alone won't convince anyone of anything. Your actions are what make an impact. Your words will plant seeds, but for someone to change the way they believe they have to look at your life and say:

I want to live like that.

I want to have that kind of peace.
I want the joy that you have.

That's why it's important to remember that making dumb choices after you are saved is not going to keep you from Heaven... but it isn't going to get your friends there either.

Simple and too the point. You are always leading by example, even when you don't think you are the leader. People will know your heart by your actions. Whether they see Jesus in those actions or not is up to you.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, 

faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23 NLT

 
A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.
Matthew 7:18 NLT

Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.
John 13:35 NLT

Don't laugh

My calves have identical bruises. 

Their death grip
on the bike's speakers
kept me from flying
off of the motorcycle
I'd hopped on the back of
one evening this weekend.

Thankfully I wasn't injured later,
when I fell on my butt
and managed to almost
knock the bike over while
trying to get off of it
without first asking how.

It's weird that I would do something like that, because usually I'm so graceful.

Stop laughing ... I can be graceful.

Years ago I told my oldest that I wanted a motorcycle. She said no. She pointed out that I could barely drive a car safely and that makes a motorcycle a really dumb idea for a mom of four. She won that round. But at least I finally got to ride one this weekend for the first time since I was a kid.

So much is going on these days. I'm excited and exhausted at the same time. I definitely don't have the energy to write anything real at the moment.

I just had to check in.
When I don't write,
I know some of you worry.
Okay, maybe not.

One more thing...
It wasn't a joke.
Stop laughing.

I really can be graceful.

:-P

The lie

Nothing like a post titled "Fearless" to work up the enemy, right?

Yesterday morning,
after so long without issue,
panic swept over me.
Sitting outside,
laptop on the patio picnic table,
I attempted work.
To those who saw,
or called or passed by,
I probably seemed fine,
possibly even normal.

But frustration grew
as my mind was flooded,
with so many absurdities,
distracted from my work,
brain in a codependent meltdown.

What did he mean by that?
Why didn't she talk to me?
Is she avoiding me now? Is he?
Did I say the wrong thing?
No one situation, all random.

I stopped and prayed.
I searched through, read through,
and highlighted scripture.
Took a short nap, then ran an errand.
The elephant left my chest.

Codependent meltdown?
After having been freed from
codependency and proclaiming
myself healed to all who would listen,
how could this have happened?
I wrestled with it for most
of the evening afterwards.
Was I wrong about being healed?
Had I made a mistake somewhere?
What was wrong with me?

That's when it dawned on me
what was happening.
I KNOW I am free.
I can feel the difference.
What a fun game
for the enemy to play,
to try to cause doubt to creep in.

Satan didn't win any victories
over me yesterday as I struggled
with panic and and worry.
The only way he could have
was if I had begun to doubt,
if I had accepted the lie
that he was trying to feed me.

Instead, I recognized the lie,
and am spreading the word...

Satan doesn't find his victory in
a moment of your weakness.
He finds it in your acceptance of the lie
that you will never be able to rise above it.

Don't give up!
 

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are.

~1 Peter 5:8-9

Being alone

Healed of my codependency,
I've been working hard to curb
the needy habits that codependency caused.
It is becoming easier and easier.

I'm encouraged by a huge reduction in
depression, tears, exhaustion, frustration
that used to flare up regularly due to
my own unmet hopes and expectations.

The biggest change, one that I expected
and have been looking forward to the most,
has not happened yet. I've spent time trying
to figure it out, but I'm still confused.

I can't figure out if God is waiting
to fix this part of me too, until I manage
to learn some important lessons here
or if this is just how He made me.

I still don't like being alone.

I enjoy being around people.
People energize and inspire me.
I may talk too much sometimes, but
meaningful conversation is something I crave.

I don't just want friends to lean on.
I want friends who are comfortable
with leaning on me, asking me for help
or saying hello for no reason at all.

I've honestly felt lately that my desire
to not be single could be ignored, possibly
(maybe) even satisfied, if I could manage
to cultivate some close friendships.

Is there something about myself I don't see
that keeps this from happening?
I actually asked someone recently, who said no.
But she and I don't really hang out either.

Am I bitchy? Whiny? Too opinionated?
Do I complain too much? Do I hog the conversation?

Am I a bad listener? Do I seem insincere?
Maybe I ask too many questions?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not doubting my worth here.
God thinks I'm awesome, of that I'm sure.
I just wish He'd clue some other people in
and then point me in the right direction.

Learning from failure

A couple of weeks ago I was trying to come up with a metaphor and asked my oldest daughter, "What is something that dies quickly?" Her answer, "Your relationships?"

Ouch.

(Just laugh. It's okay. I did at the time!)

I saw this not long after...

Now, to be fair, I'm nowhere near 10,000! but I'm thinking I should apply this quote to relationships.

As much I hate being single, as much as I want to get married again, I am finding out that there are traits that I won't "put up with" for the sake of being in a relationship. With each "failure" I am learning what I want and need from the man who will someday be my husband... and I'm learning not to settle... making myself speak up, even if I'm afraid it will end things.

Even though I know my worth in Jesus, I'm quickly realizing that making others see it isn't so easy. If it was, I wouldn't even have to say these things. I'm not talking about any one person either...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you don't want to be seen in public with me,
If you can't hold my hand where people can see,
If you wouldn't sit with me at church,

If you won't promise not to lie to me,
If your heart isn't ready to commit fully,
If you aren't excited to talk to me today,

If you can't accept my past and love who I am now,
If you refuse to see the silver linings,
If you are only after one thing,

If you still wish you could have her back,
    either as she was or as you thought she was,
If you only think about me when you are feeling
     hungry, angry, lonely or tired...
Then don't start anything with me.

I won't stop standing up for myself.
I may do it through tears and apologies,
because it is still hard for me to do, but
I know what I want, and I know who I am.

I dream big and love without reserve.
I'll fall hard and fast, and say what you will...
I don't ever expect that to change.

If you can't be on board with that,
save us both the heartache, because
I don't want to learn any more ways that won't work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do I think anyone that this applies to actually reads my blog? No. But it is all still worth saying.
 
I prayed for direction in that post I put up about a new relationship and things took a rough turn today. For now at least, I think I have that direction. 

Waiting is so much easier said than done, but I have to believe it will be worth it in the end.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint.

~Isaiah 40:31

Perfect or perfect disaster

While I share my journey with others through writing, this blog started out as and continues to be a blog about accountability. Now more than ever I have nobody to answer to as I make my way through where I am now to where He has called me to be. I've come so far these last two years since I started writing... but I know I have a long way to go. 

Some things recently have been hard to write about, knowing people are reading... but I can't stop, and withdraw into myself again. It is when the only eyes I have on my thoughts are my own, that I'm most susceptible to failing.  

Did you ever have something happen 
that could turn out to be perfect 
or could end up a perfect disaster, 
and you don't know which it will be? 
Maybe that's the way it is with everything 
in life, especially when it comes to relationships.

We never really know, do we?

With all I've been struggling through 
over the last few months, I have to stop 
and wonder if I really have any clue what
is actually going on here. I have been 
so easily blinded in situations like this before.

Can I trust myself to see the truth?

Maybe God is answering some prayers, but
maybe Satan is setting us both up with 
what he knows could be the biggest distraction
either one of us might have at this point.

I guess if I stop writing, we'll know.

Distractions keep me from the Word
and not being in the Word is often 
what keeps me from writing.

Hoping for more, not sure how it will play out. 

God is calling him too, and I don't want to be 
what keeps him from following Him.

Praying for direction, and patience. 

Waiting to see what happens next is the hardest part.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
~Proverbs 3:5-6

Three years

A phone app called Timehop gives me a "This Day in History" for my life from my social media accounts. The posts range from funny to embarrassing to sad. Three years ago this week my kids and I moved to the local camp grounds for six months. What I tried to sell to them as an 'adventure' ended up being something only God could get us out of. Those posts are hard to read.

Most of the Timehop posts would seem fairly normal to those who were on the outside of the situation. But I can read between the lines of the posts. I lived between those lines.

I didn't realize it at the time, but even when I posted the words "in His own time," I didn't really care what His plan or timing was... because I had my own. I called my will His and cared mostly about what people could see. I didn't know I wasn't relying on God, but I did know that as long as I said I was, I couldn't be wrong.

Three years ago this week, my van caught fire while I was driving down the road. Ruptured fuel line. Amazing that the van didn't explode. Burns marked the pavement for over a year afterwards. The tow truck driver compassionately left my payment to him in the van's cup holder. Unless they read this, very few people know to this day that it happened only minutes after I left the casino where I blew $200 while praying for God to get me out of our mess.

 The fuel line ruptured between the second and third rows. 

Thankful I didn't have kids with me in the van.

The pile of stuff in the road on the right is Girl Scout Cookies.
They tried to save them, but were unsuccessful.

Three years ago today, my then six-year-old daughter had knee surgery. I had to get a ride to the hospital since my van was totaled. I don't remember how we got there now. Afterwards, her doctor considered keeping her over night as a precaution, but I decided we should go home. I wonder now if they would have insisted had they known where we were living.

I haven't yet decided if I'm happy to get these daily reminders from TimeHop, but it is very clear we have come a long way. Three years ago today I would have laughed if anyone had told me that I was going to run my own company and speak publicly about the things He's done for us.

Yet, here we are...

People say "Everything happens for a reason." I don't believe God planned all of this to happen so that I could be where I am. I do believe He let me make my own choices and, once I turned to Him for help, wove them together into something amazing.

And we know that God causes everything to work together 

 for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

~Romans 8:28

Be still

Well, maybe God knows me better than I know myself after all...

Yesterday, as I finished up my blog post, I decided to go for the walk I felt God telling me to take. I was only planning on a mile, I haven't run in forever and there is ice in some places still. Once I got out there though, I couldn't help myself. I ended up going over 2 miles... and I even ran some of it. It felt good. I needed that. Go figure. He probably already knew that.

As I've spent more and more time in the word lately, I've begun to see my recent battles for what they actually are, spiritual warfare. The enemy does not want me to fulfill my purpose in Christ, so he does what he can to steer me in other directions. Writing a note to a friend about this yesterday, God took it a step further in my mind and I was totally blown away.

If two sides are in a battle and one refuses to fight, the one that continues to fight will overtake the one who doesn't. Yet, in recent months, while these battles were raging all around me, I have not been fighting... not even a little bit. So, why didn't the enemy overtake me? Why was I not crushed?

The answer came to mind so quickly that it startled me.

Exodus 14:14

God has been fighting for me all along. Even when I was too weak to fight, even when I just refused. He was there. I didn't have to do anything...

I'm not saying we never have to fight our battles. We will have to fight them with His help.

God tells us that our battles are not against flesh and blood... but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6:12) 

But this time, He knew I wouldn't or couldn't do it, and stepped in for me. Every move I made on my own, was closer to the enemy's camp. God protected me again and again, even though at one point I was willing myself to fail.

The truth is, I didn't have to be still for Him to fight for me... I had to be still to see it.

These verses touched me tonight as I was writing this...

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat. But I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail. So when you have repented and turned to me again, strengthen your brothers.” ~Luke 22:31-32

Jesus fought for Simon-Peter too... because He knew that when Peter came back to Him, he would be able to change some worlds... 

Why write?

I write to keep a record of this journey,
give others hope, to show that God
doesn't use perfect people, and
that we all stumble, but
keeping our focus on Him
makes every struggle worth it.

I write because I know that
in the grand scheme of things,
while I am special to Him,
I am not any more or less special
than anyone else, and the amazing things
He does for me, He will do for others as well.

I write because I know that
when I pull Him close, He reveals
so much more to me about life
and love and hopes and dreams and
failure and success and what
it truly means to walk by faith
than I could get from any other source.

I write not because I think my writing
is great or that the world needs to hear truths
from me over anyone else. In fact, so many
times I have typed words and sat dumbfounded,
reading a message He clearly had me write
to teach myself something I was missing.

There are many reasons why I write,
and I could go on and on about them,
but the most important one is this: Because He told me to.

~~~~~~~

I started this blog to hold myself accountable for my issues, to work through them and give myself a visible timeline showing what my walk with Him looks like, to help me learn to rely on God over all else... not to give those who wish to persecute me a list of my mistakes, slip-ups, stumbles, and out-right acts of rebellion. But I haven't written as much lately because some turmoil in my life has been created by someone who wishes to do just that.

Today I'm reminding myself of the reasons I write, and reminding myself that God has a plan here that I can't let go of... even if others will try to twist it to use against me. Three steps forward and two steps back makes the journey slow at times, but it is real and honest. If I am nothing else, I have to be real and honest.

But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.  

~1 John 4:4

Chances

The last few weeks, as I've neglected
to return his texts with the same
intensity at which he sends them,
things have started to cool with D.

Living fourteen hours from someone
you care about, who is all talk and
no action is not something anyone
can make work. Especially not me.

I finally told him I can't do it anymore,
this is not what God wants for my life,
I don't blame him. He has never changed
since I met him... I just saw what I wanted to see.

I was always believing hope and prayer
would be enough to change his life.
And whether it affected my life or not,
that someday I would get to see his transformation.

I still believe it will happen one day. I know God
is bigger than anything, whether it be PTSD or
general jerkiness (they can be hard to separate).  I doubt
I'll be close enough to see it. I hope I hear about it though.


I have a friend who is back with the guy
that God doesn't have planned for her life.
She knows it. We've talked about it.
But much like me, she can't let go.

Someone else recently said to me
it's funny how I have such good advice
for other people's relationships,
but I can't see it in my own.

How can I keep telling people to let go of
their destructive relationships, to let go of
the people in their lives who cause pain,
who lie, cheat, and steal from them...
If I'm unwilling to do it myself?

As much as I would argue that I hate misery,
I give God control over things knowing that
He can do a better job, and then take them back
and try to make them work myself... and make myself miserable.

Did you just say to yourself,
"Well ____ doesn't steal from me,
so she's not talking about them."
Theft of time is worse than any earthly possession.

Time you could have spent with your family.
Time you could have spent with your real friends.
Time you could have spent with the 'right' one.
Time you could have spent at the feet of Jesus.

I'm still so far from perfect and have a long way to go, but I'm determined to use what God gives me in the ways He wants me to use it... even if I get turned around from time to time in the process. I am so thankful that He is the God of second chances and that He's apparently given me an unlimited supply, as long as I keep asking for them and trying to do it right.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. 

~2 Peter 3:9

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
~Phil 1:6

Fighting for new

Just because I'm a new creation,
forgiven, freed and loved, doesn't
mean breaking out of old patterns
is any easier for me than before.
I'm still a human, broken girl
who has trouble making sense of
the world around her, fighting
each step of the way to embrace "new."

When one ex-turned-friend, not D,
sent inappropriate texts last week,
it took me a couple of days
to tell him to please stop.
In fact, just hours before I stopped it,
I had formed a plan in my mind
to follow through on the things he
suggested might be fun to try again.

But, in my heart I knew that simply
attempting to fulfill the longing to be
wanted, touched, and held would
not truly fulfill the real desire
to be loved, honored, cherished.
I could be feeling shame right now
that I was weak in the moment,
but I gave God the chance to step in
and He helped me make a way out.

The Bible says thinking is as bad as doing.
Stopping at that logic, there is no point in resisting.
Instead I choose to see this as another step
to a real victory over my deceitful mind and will.

Don't give up. Don't give in.
Eventually it will get better. 
God's got this, I have to believe.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. 

And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 

~1 Cor. 10:13

Last night I had a dream

Most of the time, dreams mean nothing... and I believe that is true about this one. But it was so real that I had to write about it.

Last night I had a dream that group of terrorists had taken over. I don't know if it was the whole country, but it was happening where I live. They were dressed like the photos I've seen of ISIS.

Somehow it had become legal for them to kill anyone who spoke to them disrespectfully in public, which included anyone who spoke about the Bible or Christianity. I was walking down the street and saw two women eating on the patio of a restaurant. One said something to one of these men who was "patrolling" the area, machine gun in hand. Immediately he was at her side, gun pressed to her head as her friend begged her to apologize and told her, "You can't say that to them. They can kill you for that!"

I walked on without waiting to see what happened.

The next thing I remember, I was in my own home and one of these men was following me down my hallway. I kept quoting Bible verses to him. One was in Hebrews, but other than that, I don't remember which verses I used. When he got angry I told him, "This is still my home, my private property. I still have religious freedom in my own home."

His response... "You can't hide in here forever."

I don't remember being afraid in the dream, but I know I would have been.
Thinking about it today makes me wonder how brave I would really be.

If I were one of those people with this symbol posted on their properties, what would I do? What a scary reality for some believers, half a world away. More evidence that we Americans, as much as we complain about some things, are more blessed than we can imagine...

Thankful that for me it was just a dream. Praying that that life never becomes a reality.

I believe in religious freedom and religious choice. While I am sad when someone chooses not to believe in the grace that saved me, I know that God gave us free will for a reason... and just as He won't force them to believe, I shouldn't attempt to force them either.

When it comes to religion in a public place, I believe that I should be able to stand on a street corner next to a person who is telling every passer-by that Christians are idiots and be just as free myself to stand next to the them and tell everyone that Jesus loves and provides grace for everyone... even the person calling me an idiot for believing it.

Just because you don't like or agree with what someone is saying, it doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed to say it, nor does it give you the right to treat them badly.

You would think, given the scenario from my dream, that most people would agree. Unfortunately, many people are doing all they can to take away the religious freedoms of Christians in America, a little at a time, because they don't agree with them.

What they don't realize is that someday, their own freedoms will be called into question and they won't have a leg on which to stand.

A little different than my usual post, but that was a little different than my usual dream...

Pray for us, for our conscience is clear and we want to live honorably in everything we do. 

~Hebrews 13:8
Think back on those early days when you first learned about Christ. Remember how you remained faithful even though it meant terrible suffering. Sometimes you were exposed to public ridicule and were beaten, and sometimes you helped others who were suffering the same things. 

You suffered along with those who were thrown into jail, and when all you owned was taken from you, you accepted it with joy. You knew there were better things waiting for you that will last forever.
So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. 

Remember the great reward it brings you! 

Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you 

will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised. “For in just a little while, the Coming One will come and not delay. And my righteous ones will live by faith.
But I will take no pleasure in anyone who turns away.” 

But we are not like those who turn away from God to their own destruction. 

We are the faithful ones, whose souls will be saved.~Hebrews 10:32-39

Thankful today for all that I have, and praying for those who only dream of having the problems I 'endure' on a daily basis...