Not afraid

An interesting conversation about grace with friends this weekend brought up the subject of our fear of God. Without really thinking about it, the first thought I had flew out of my mouth, "I'm not afraid of God."

I wrapped my brain around what I had just said as I saw the surprised looks on some of the other faces at the table. Maybe everyone should be backing away from me slowly, on the lookout for lightning bolts. Maybe the earth is about to swallow me up. I know God was listening. Did I really mean what I just said?

Absolutely.

This morning I looked through old blog posts for evidence of my previous fear. I know that I used to be afraid of God. Honestly, some of them were hard to read. One word kept coming up though.

Trust.

In one post I commented how God's love seemed a lot to me like the selfish love I'd already encountered in this world. (Love that left me broken, hurting, untrusting.)

In another post I made it clear I was taking John 12:25 literally.

Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life 

in this world will keep it for eternal life. ~John 12:25

I was totally scared God was going to make me miserable while using me for His plans... with the promise that "in eternity it wouldn't matter..."

If I could just endure, just get through this life without messing up, it would be a testimony for others to see and He would be happy with me... and that all mattered more (to Him) than me being miserable. It was exhausting. No wonder I was fighting Him all the time.

So what made the difference? Why did I stop fearing God?

The Gospel of Grace. Finally learning what grace really is and how it applies in our lives, I'm diving into a deeper relationship with Him and rising to the surface with a level of trust I didn't know I could have. Knowing that I am the righteousness of God in Christ, and that He sees me as perfect (in spite of my mistakes) breaks off the constant performance anxiety and fear of His consequences.

Don't misunderstand, I do believe sin still has earthly consequences. But I'm no longer living under the fear that one wrong move, action, or thought, will bring upon me His wrath or His indifference, the latter of which probably scared me more.

The word "gospel" literally means "good news" and the word it comes from is actually better defined as "nearly too good to be true news." 

A God Who loves me, and isn't watching for the moment I make a mistake so that He can move on to someone more faithful, better suited for His work, or who isn't rewarding my faithfulness with indifference... for a girl who has spent most of her life fearing indifference and abandonment more than anything, that IS "nearly too good to be true news." And yet, I am fully convinced of its truthfulness, trusting God more today than I ever have... although probably a little less than I will tomorrow. :-)

There is no fear in love.

 But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. 

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
~1 John 4:18 NLT

Bootstraps (revised)

My story has been described

as one of a woman

who fell on hard times,

pulling herself up

by her bootstraps

to succeed.

That isn’t completely true.

I didn’t fall on hard times.

I climbed into them,

sometimes blindly,

but almost always willingly.

I thought that the times

that begat my hard times

were the answers

to my misguided prayers.

I never bothered to look

to God and say,

“Is this from You?”

While I can’t say for certain,

it is almost undoubtedly true

that I never asked, in part,

because I already knew the answer.   

The Bible clearly states

God hates sin.

God doesn’t reward sin.

God doesn’t offer sin as a reward.

But if the situations before my hard times

were something that I thought I wanted,

there was no stopping me

from charging ahead,

sometimes even giving Him credit.

The most successful path

to my own personal Hell

was slow and steady,

as it is for most who wander.

No sharp turns or drops.

No reason to make me

think I might be wrong.

Murder, envy, and greed are all

great sins, as sins go.

But, Satan knew he was safer

to turn me into a gossip and a time waster,

an in-denial lover of self,

someone who was convinced

she was in control

of her own life,

who wouldn’t be jolted

back to reality until it was too late.

He was almost right.

Everyone has their breaking point

the enemy no doubt took delight

in watching my struggle

to be in control

right up until the moment

I broke and fell to the ground.

There, on my knees,
I did something he didn’t expect.
I looked up towards Heaven for help and hope.
 
I believe that God cares more for our souls
than He does for our earthly lives.
He will let things be taken away from us,
one after another after another,
until we realize we have nothing
left but Him to hold on to.

Some of us are more stubborn than others.

God let me do things my own way,
though He has the power

to make me do whatever He wants.

He let me make my own choices, and

He let me make my own mistakes,

knowing that when I finally came to Him

in complete and willing surrender,

it would be real and lasting.

When I finally acknowledged

Who was in control,

I raised my arms 

and waved my white flag.

That is when He showed me those bootstraps

and how to pull myself up, 

by grabbing ahold of His hand.

Thank You Lord,

for Your patience and Your grace.

I will spend the rest of my life telling people

how awesome You really are...

and it still won't be long enough

to show how truly grateful I am. 




(Revised from this post: Bootstraps 12/05/2013)

Relationships and respect

Recently I spoke at a conference for single moms. One of the mini-sessions was on "New Relationships." Here is what I shared with the single moms that day on this topic.

"Twenty years ago, my driver's ed teacher gave me the best relationship advice I've ever received. I often wish that I had listened to him sooner. “Ladies,” he said, “If a man does not have enough respect for you to drive safely when you are in the vehicle with him, he is not worth your time.”

He wasn't talking about someone who just truly is not a great driver. Nor was he talking about the man that gets that sparkle in his eye after a snowstorm and asks if you want to go to the nearest parking lot to do donuts. He was talking about the guy who is more worried about getting past that driver who cut him off than the fact that your knuckles are white as you grip the OS handle above the door, or one who thinks it is fun to speed, race, and whip around corners to scare you with his driving.

He was talking about respect.

I think we will all agree that in the search for the man God has for us, we know to rule out a few traits and behaviors. [Current] Alcoholics, addicts, abusers, liars... (those not yet recovering) these are men we want to avoid. We all know that. These are not the men I'm talking about 

Today I'm talking to you about the nice guy you've been dating or are thinking of dating. You have good moments, but sometimes you wonder if something isn't a little bit off. You catch yourself justifying things to keep the relationship together.

As single moms, loneliness is often a part of our daily lives. We love our kids, that's not a question. But, we long for the support that comes from having a significant other. What we don't realize is that keeping someone in our lives who doesn't respect us not only hurts us, but it sends the wrong messages to our children.

When you are in a situation where you are wondering where the relationship might be going, think about the word 'respect'. Is he showing you, and those around you that he respect you? There are a hundred ways someone can show a lack of respect. However, I have five questions for you that can help you get a better handle on that question.

Does he take you out ?

And I don't mean, “Do you make all the plans, go pick him up, and pay for everything?” I mean, does he plan dates, ever? Does he pay at least half the time? Does he pick you up? Does he ever offer to pay for a sitter so that you can go out?

Sitting at home on the couch and watching a movie is nice, but it is NOT a date. 

Coming over to do his laundry while you cook him dinner is NOT a date. 

Sleeping over is NOT a date.

Sex is NOT a date.

Does he keep his word?

Being a single mother means we have suffered through a lot of disappointment in our lives. It dampens our ability to trust others and what they say, especially men. If you are in a serious relationship, and you are not beginning to believe him when he says something, there is a problem. 

1. Either you have serious trust issues that are going to make it hard to keep any healthy relationship. Or 
2. He keeps his word so infrequently that you are unable to build any trust in him.

You deserve a man who keeps his word.

Does he make time for you?
How often does he text you randomly? Is he always busy? Does he 'forget' to call? 

Even if the rare times you do get together are great, you need someone who cares enough to make time for you. He does not need to be at your beck and call, all day every day.  

Is he proud of the relationship?

You should be dating a man whose friends and family know you exist. How do they know? You have met them.

If you spend the whole evening with a man on Saturday and on Sunday morning he will not sit with you in church. It doesn't matter what he says about “gossip” or “taking things slow” … cut him loose.

Someone who truly cares doesn't get mad when you occasionally tag him on Facebook. He is willing to change his FB relationship status. He does not have to be okay with your whole relationship playing out on social media.  However, if he is hiding you or hiding the relationship, then it is time to move on.

Do you have to make excuses for him?

As you were reading these questions, the man that you care about now, or someone from your past likely popped into your mind.

For some of you, when that guy popped into your mind, you were likely thinking about his but. Not B-U-T-T … BUT. He would make more time for me BUT our kid-free weekends are opposite each other's. I do always pay for dates, BUT he doesn't have a job right now. I'm not allowed to interact with him on Facebook BUT it's just because he's not ready for people to know about us yet.

If you are thinking about his BUT he is either not in the place for a relationship right now, or he is not the right guy for you. Nobody is perfect, but excuse after excuse is not going to get you where you want to be, or where God wants you to be.

Some men will get a “No” in some of these categories because they are jerks. They don't respect you. They don't put your needs first. They want what they want. Love is the opposite of self. Someone who always puts himself first does not mean it when he says that he loves you. He may not even know what that word means.

Others will get a “No” to some of these categories even though they are not jerks. A man can be a really good person and still not be the right one for you, for whatever reason. As hard as it is to let go of them in terms of romantic relationships, you need to know that God adores you and he doesn't want you in a relationship with a man who doesn't feel the same way.

I talk about sex a lot because we have to deal with it a lot. Those of us who choose to abstain until we are married are up against a great struggle, both internally and externally.

God makes it clear in His Word that sex outside of marriage is a sin. But I am going to tell you something you won't hear often enough. I want you to know that if you choose not to abstain, or if you fall into temptation, God still loves you. God isn't angry with you. God can be disappointed with your choices, but you aren't going to Hell for having sex. 

Are you living your best life? No. 

Are you experiencing the relationship God intended for you? Nope.

But God still loves you. 

If you slip up and end up having sex, you can not let yourself be pulled into a downward spiral of guilt and shame and let that pull you away from your relationship with Him."

It's not an excuse to do whatever you want, it is a reminder that the God who created you wants you to get up and try again... remind yourself: God wants MORE for you than this. He ADORES you and wants you to be with someone who does also.

 For the Lord your God is living among you.
    He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
    With his love, he will calm all your fears.
    He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

~Zephaniah 3:17

I said sex in church

I've written before about how I told God that if He wanted me to speak publicly, I would do it because I knew that I could, with His help. What I haven't written about was the time that He made it clear to me that I was going to be talking about some difficult topics and I said, "Okay, but not about sex. I don't want to stand up in front of people and talk about sex."

If you ever feel the need to tell God what you don't want to do for Him, 

be prepared to hear Him laugh at some point, 

when He sets you up to do precisely that thing. 

 
Today's Christian church has a huge lack of understanding and support when it comes to single parents, especially single mothers.

In twelve years of attending various single-event single mom ministries, I have heard two messages, if any message is shared at all. Either we are given the salvation message or a message about how we should focus on our children and lean on Jesus. In other words, "don't even think about dating or marriage. Jesus is your husband now."

And who would deliver these messages? It was either pastor of the church or a happily married woman. While we always appreciate those who give their time, it is honestly difficult to accept encouragement from someone who hasn't walked in our shoes.

As my friend Tina and I prepared to speak at the conference from this weekend, we knew we needed to present topics that women like us needed to hear about. This is what we came up with:

Living Victoriously
     The stereotype isn't accurate (You are normal.)
     Our weaknesses are our strengths
     Enjoy your children while you can.
Know Your Worth
     God wants more for you than you want for yourself.
     God will meet you where you are, but He doesn't want you to stay there.
Battle Strategies
     Save yourself first (Take care of yourself.)
     Keep your focus on God
     Be vulnerable
     Be prepared for the comments. (This was fun. lol)
New Relationships
     Desperately want to remarry or the thought makes you want to hurl, which perspective is healthier?
     Forget all the advice you have heard before.
     How to know if you are being respected once you are in a relationship.

We are both so excited about the feedback we received from our sessions. We were able to speak freely, from our hearts, about what God has shown us over the years. Because of that, we had to talk about some things that don't often get talked about in church. 

Tina and I both brought up sex a few times during these sessions. Much to Tina's surprise, we did not get struck by lightning. Much to my surprise, we didn't get kicked out before it was over. 

It wasn't until afterwards that I remembered I had told God I didn't want to speak about sex publicly.

When I shared about my past over lunch, I danced around the topic a bit. I talked about how my distrust of men grew because they "only wanted one thing" and "would get it and not call" (and how I didn't take any responsibility for my bad choices at the time.)

I also alluded to the times God rescued me from the brink of REALLY stupid and dangerous decisions... but I didn't ever say the word... sex.

When I did say it later, I didn't give a whole lot of time to it. I didn't dwell on it. But I did tell the single moms in that room some things that I've needed to hear in the past.

When talking about being respected and not settling for less than what God wants for us in new relationships:

"Sitting at home on the couch and watching a movie is nice, but it is NOT a date. 

Coming over to do his laundry while you cook him dinner is NOT a date. 

Sleeping over is NOT a date. (Even if it's just sleeping.)

Sex is NOT a date."

Then, I later told them this,

"We have to talk about sex a lot because we have to deal with it a lot. Those of us who choose to abstain until we are married are up against a great struggle, both internally and externally.

God makes it clear in His Word that sex outside of marriage is a sin. But I am going to tell you something you won't hear often enough. I want you to know that if you choose not to abstain, or if you fall into temptation, God still loves you. God isn't angry with you. 
God may be disappointed with your choices, but you aren't going to Hell for having sex. 
Are you living your best life? No. 
Are you experiencing the relationship God intended for you? Nope.
But God still loves you. 

If you slip up and end up having sex, you can not let yourself be pulled into a downward spiral of guilt and shame and let that pull you away from your relationship with Him."

For a woman who could barely speak in public at all a couple of years ago... saying that from the pulpit is a huge step.  I have a feeling this is the first of many times this subject will come up. There are a lot of things about sex that need to be talked about among single moms. And frankly, I don't think God is going to let me get away that easily.

I am sure this is not the last time that Tina and I will address a group of single mothers, encouraging them to live their best lives, the ones God wants for them. I am looking forward to letting Him use us to help them find their way.  

 
Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
~Ephesians 4:15-16  

Tuesday

I spent Tuesday in bed.

A truly inspiring Christian author
wrote me yesterday, calling me a
"faithful, humble and bold believer"
and I couldn't help but think,
"If he only knew I was so
discouraged that I spent Tuesday
in bed, sleeping and crying."

How bold and faithful is that?

Since my post about "Worth"
last week, Satan has made it his
mission to see that I don't recognize
mine by bringing to light the
comments, thoughts and actions of
those who often act as if I have none,
from exes to my own children.

This isn't what I asked God to show me.

As I function as this person I am, and
then turn and share about the love, mercy,
and grace of God with others,
I feel like I'm two different people.
The faithful, humble, bold believer, and
the girl who recognized the oncoming train
as an attack by Satan, but didn't run.

No, I laid down on the track in front of it.

I love being the girl who shares with others about
what God has done in my life. I love inspiring
people with hope of what He wants to do
in theirs. I love connecting with people,
sharing, pouring into them, saying something
I feel is random and finding out God put
those words in my heart for just that one person.

Being that girl is awesome.

Some days I just wish I could get THAT girl to knock some sense into THIS one.

Not fighting depression

This week, as one of my friends poured out verses in a quick passing conversation after a prayer meeting, I fought back tears. As he spoke, I prayed silently, "God, do not let me cry right now. I promise we will talk about this as soon as I get out of here. Just please don't let me cry right now." It was difficult because while the friend was talking about himself, I knew God was talking to me.

I held on, but barely made it out of the church and into my van without falling apart. The kids were home, so I tried to find a place where I could just sit and talk to Jesus, because I knew I needed to focus and feel free to cry to Him, apologize for going through the motions and neglecting our relationship. I ran through in my mind everything I needed to say to God as I drove.

I pulled in at the park and prayed and waited. Nothing. No huge epiphanies. No feeling of elation. No feeling of anything really, except 'normal' and while that should have been a clue that something was different (I mean really... I felt normal), it wasn't. I went with my typical 'fall back' thought of... I must not have done something right.

Tonight at Bible study one passage of scripture stood out to me above all the rest. In fact, in my notes I wrote "Psalms 32:3-5 When I refuse to confess my sins... WOW."

Here is what it actually says:

3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night
your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the Lord.”
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin.

Verses 3 and 4 describe perfectly how I felt over the last few weeks. My strength was sapped. My days and nights spent groaning on my bed. I tried to medicate myself. I tried asking God why He wasn't helping me. I tried just powering through on my own strength. All the while I silently fought with Him. "You may not like what is happening here God, but I don't trust you to handle it. I've got this."

Verse 5 explains the rest. I confessed. It wasn't the huge outpouring I thought He needed and wanted. Simply going through all the things I needed to say to Him in my head was enough. He knew I meant it. He heard me confess and He forgave.

I just didn't realize it yet. I hadn't fully accepted that I was forgiven, but I had stopped fighting.

It wasn't until tonight, re-reading these verses that I realized that I hadn't cried about anything in these last two days. It wasn't until tonight that I realized why, when I finally saw my doctor today and she asked about my antidepressants I said, "I'm feeling pretty good. I'm not going back on them." And it wasn't until just tonight that I realized Tuesday was the first day I stood my ground against D (a small battle in my fight for respect, but it was a win).

This is what I realized when the end of the night came and I sat down to study for myself... I wasn't fighting depression. I was fighting God, and depression was the result.

I remembered back to the last time I was taking the medication (It started the last time when J left me in 2011 and I continued to make one bad choice after another) and when it was that I stopped taking them (when I turned my life completely over to God in the spring of 2013).

I'm not saying depression isn't real. I'm not saying some people don't need medication. I am only talking about me and my situation. This passage of scripture was the answer I have been looking for. It not only explains my depression, but also where it went and why. 

Are all my problems solved? No. Am I going to sin tomorrow? If I wake up, Yes. Am I going to keep fighting for things God has already told me I can't have and wouldn't want if I knew what He knows about the future? Probably. But next time depression rushes over me the way it has in previous weeks, instead of saying "Why won't you make me feel better, God?" I'll be starting with an apology and a confession.

1 Blessed is the one

whose transgressions are forgiven,

whose sins are covered.

2 Blessed is the one

whose sin the Lord does not count against them

and in whose spirit is no deceit.

3 When I kept silent,

my bones wasted away

through my groaning all day long.

4 For day and night

your hand was heavy on me;

my strength was sapped

as in the heat of summer.

5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you

and did not cover up my iniquity.

I said, “I will confess

my transgressions to the Lord.”

And you forgave

the guilt of my sin.

6 Therefore let all the faithful pray to you

while you may be found;

surely the rising of the mighty waters

will not reach them.

7 You are my hiding place;

you will protect me from trouble

and surround me with songs of deliverance.

8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;

I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,

which have no understanding

but must be controlled by bit and bridle

or they will not come to you.

10 Many are the woes of the wicked,

but the Lord’s unfailing love

surrounds the one who trusts in him.

11 Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous;

sing, all you who are upright in heart!

Another vote for celibacy

He often told her he
loved her, missed her,
found her irresistible...

She had moved on,
was seeing someone else.
He wouldn't stop flirting,
stopping by, making her laugh.

To be honest, she hadn't
discouraged him enough.
"Stop" only worked temporarily.
Ignoring him only encouraged him.

Until the day he overheard her tell a friend she was very late.
Looking back, she says, pregnancy was not logically even possible
But they weren't completely innocent and there was enough doubt to scare him.

Instead of "I meant it when I said I love you. It's not ideal, but we'll get through it together."
She heard "If you are, I'll take care of my responsibility" then "I wish I could wake up and this was all a dream" then later "I feel like I want to die."

He had often told her he
loved her, missed her,
found her irresistible...

Until he realized it might be forever.


I have permission to write about this
but it doesn't really matter who they are.
This could be anybody's story.
The good news for them
is that it was a false alarm.
They are both free of each other.

Not everyone is so lucky...

Celibacy is looking better and better to me...

If only just believing

If only just believing
was the answer to all our problems...

If only just believing
could fix a person's brokenness...

If only just believing
filled lives with joy and abundance...

But just believing doesn't do anything
to actually make life better for us
unless we are willing to change.

Change isn't just knowing
what is right and wrong,
what is good or bad.
Change means breaking
patterns, stopping habits,
climbing over obstacles,
pushing beyond what we've always known
to reach for what God wants us to have and be. 

When I succeed, it isn't just because I believed.
When I fail, it doesn't mean I don't believe enough.

God gives me the support, the tools, the direction,
the rest is up to me. Is it worth the effort? Of course.
But even with all He gives me, sometimes I still fail.

Wait. Did I say sometimes? Honestly, I fail a lot.

I'm so thankful that even when I fail,
there is another chance to try again tomorrow.
Another chance for you, another chance for me.

We can beat ourselves up for the failure
or resolve to try again, remembering He understands
that it takes so much more than just believing.

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!

His mercies never cease.Great is his faithfulness;

his mercies begin afresh each morning.

Lamentations 3:22-23
 
Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be a light to me.
Micah 7:8

Apples

The apple hanging in that tree
in the middle of The Garden was
the perfect shade of the perfect color.
Just a look at it and she knew
it was going to be delicious.
The biggest, unblemished,
juiciest apple,
to ever ruin a life... 
she ignored that last line.

She was warned.
We have been too.

You know you aren't
supposed to eat the apple.
You know you shouldn't
even think about it.
You know you shouldn't
reach out towards it.
You know you shouldn't
see how close you can stand to it
without actually breaking the rules.

But we still do. Why?
 
Because it is just so perfect,
exactly what we think we want.

Perfect is subjective, isn't it?

Everybody's perfect apple
is a different shade, texture, flavor.
Hung in the spot on the tree that
puts it directly in their eye line.
We don't stop to wonder
how exactly it got there,
to just that spot where
we don't have to reach too high
or why the lights hit it just so
to give it that enticing shine.

The enemy knows
whether you like Red Delicious
or Granny Smith or Fuji apples.
He knows you've been told
to stay away from them
but enjoys reminding you
how much you used to love your apples. 

Drugs, alcohol, sex, porn,
rage, food, greed, lies, laziness
all dangling apples
all right within reach.
They seem to be the perfect shade
of the perfect color, of the best kind.
Just a look at it and you know
it is going to be delicious.

The biggest, unblemished,
juiciest apples,
to ever ruin a life...
Don't ignore that last line.

Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
Matthew 26:41

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:2-4

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

Praying for you

Many of my life's
big changes
have come as a result
of a seemingly smaller change.
A new habit or thought
belief or reaction
here and there
have made all the difference.

I used to see or hear
that someone I knew
was going through
something tough
and I would always say
"I'm praying for you."
But the truth
was far from that.
What I really meant was
oh, that's sad,
but I know that I
can't do anything about it.

I wasn't praying for them.
I was barely praying at all.
I was more concerned
with my own crazy life
than I was with praying for others.
I knew their pain was real,
but so was mine
and nobody understood.
Of course, I didn't trust
anybody enough
to really share
what I was going through either.

Too deeply entrenched
in anxious worry and pain
to even think
that a heartfelt prayer
might mean a real change,
forgetting the miracles I had seen
and forgetting the miracles I had received
I began a spiraling cycle
of anxiety and stress
followed by bad choices
meant to make myself feel better.

It did for a time.
Until I had to face
the repercussions

and those brought more stress.

Trying to stop the spiral
with sub-par coping skills
only increased
the fear and anxiety.
I tried praying.
Despite what a friend said
about the impossibility
of 'praying wrong.'
I knew it was...

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY, GOD?

I have asked for help with this, I have asked for blessings on that. I have asked for mercy here and forgiveness there. I have asked that You give me all of these things that I need. I have thanked You for what I have and praised You for being Who You are, but You still let panic grip me like this when You could clearly take it away. What lesson am I to learn here? Just tell me so I can move on!

And He reminded me,
quietly, but clearly,
"your anxiety is because
you are making it
all about you."
It's sad how many times
we humans have to relearn
that lesson.
Sometimes daily,
usually more often
we have to be reminded.
"It's not all about me."

Then God gave me a new coping strategy.

When fear and anxiety and panic
start to build within me
I still pray.
Only now, I pray for you.

Every time I send a heartfelt prayer
for someone who is in need of one
I remember a little less about
my anxiety and a little more about
how awesome the God is
who can do for you abundantly
more than we can ask or dream.


So I am not only sharing a strategy to combat anxiety, I am writing this to say thank you! Know that the next time you share a burden with me or ask for prayer... you are not asking for a favor. You are giving me the opportunity to continue to win these battles with the enemy who would much rather see me practically incapacitated from stress and anxiety than asking God to abundantly bless my friends and enemies alike.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people— for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth. 1 Timothy 2:1-4

 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Matthew 5:44

Failure

I wonder sometimes
if it wouldn't be easier
to just fail.

God is going to love me
the same
whether I walk the right path
or not...
why keep fighting so hard?

Business, parenting, love... all of it.
Go with the flow.
Don't bother with being responsible.
My life would be easier
if I could just give in,
if I could just give up.

Wouldn't it?

I want to say yes,
but I tried that before too.
On my own.
When everything I did was okay
and the consequences didn't matter...

It sounds easier, but in reality,
nothing was easier.
Everything was messier.
Nothing worked out right.
Ever.

But success? Success is hard!
It often seems so much harder
when I look at the work it takes
to make that happen.

The difference is that God promises this path,
the one He wants me to be on,
the one where I reach for success,
will eventually turn out okay.


Pulling these up to read to myself over and over, remembering that prosperity, profit and poverty can mean money, but also mean so much more when looking at the depth of one's life.

His favor rests on me and establishes the work of my hands. Psalms 90:17



 

And I will eat the fruit of my labor; blessings and prosperity will be mine. Psalms 128:2

 

All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty. Proverbs 14:23

 

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

I Corinthians 15:58

Working to remember these verses and focus on the promises You have given me, Lord. So that I can remember what I am supposed to be doing here instead of how hard it is and how the walk is affecting me.

Maintaining a thankful heart today...
Thankful that I am not battling in vain.
Thankful that You always keep Your promises.
Thankful that You walk with me, whether I feel You or not.

Thankful that You understand wanting to give up, wanting the cup to be taken from you, and knowing that the Father's plan was better than the one you were wishing for at that moment.
Failure isn't an option.

Bootstraps

My story has been described

as one of a woman

who fell on hard times

pulling herself up by her bootstraps to succeed.

That isn’t completely true.

I didn’t fall on hard times.

I climbed into them,

sometimes blindly,

but almost always willingly.

I thought that the times

that begat my hard times

were the answers 

to my misguided prayers.

I never bothered to look to God and say,

 “Is this from You?”

While I can’t say for certain,

it is almost undoubtedly true

that I never asked

because I already knew the answer.   

The Bible clearly states that God hates sin.

God doesn’t reward sin.

God doesn’t offer sin as a reward.

But if the situations before my hard times

were something that I thought I wanted,

there was no stopping me.

The most successful path to Hell

is slow and steady.

No sharp turns or drops.

No reason to make us think

we might be wrong.

Murder is a great sin, as sins go

But Satan is safer to turn us into

gossips and time wasters

who won’t be jolted 

back to reality

until it is too late.

Everyone has their breaking point

the enemy found mine

and no doubt took delight

in watching my struggle.

I broke and fell to the ground.

There, on my knees,

is where I was when I looked up

towards Heaven

for help

and hope.

God let me do things my own way, 

though He has the power 

to make me do 

whatever He wants. 

 He let me make 

my own choices

my own mistakes

knowing that when I finally came to Him 

in complete and willing surrender, 

it would be real and lasting.

When I finally waved that white flag,

that is when He showed me 

those bootstraps 

and how to pull myself up… 

by grabbing ahold of His hand.

Thank You Lord, 

for Your patience and Your grace.

I will spend the rest of my life telling people

how awesome You really are...

and it still won't be long enough

to show how truly grateful I am.