Not fighting depression

This week, as one of my friends poured out verses in a quick passing conversation after a prayer meeting, I fought back tears. As he spoke, I prayed silently, "God, do not let me cry right now. I promise we will talk about this as soon as I get out of here. Just please don't let me cry right now." It was difficult because while the friend was talking about himself, I knew God was talking to me.

I held on, but barely made it out of the church and into my van without falling apart. The kids were home, so I tried to find a place where I could just sit and talk to Jesus, because I knew I needed to focus and feel free to cry to Him, apologize for going through the motions and neglecting our relationship. I ran through in my mind everything I needed to say to God as I drove.

I pulled in at the park and prayed and waited. Nothing. No huge epiphanies. No feeling of elation. No feeling of anything really, except 'normal' and while that should have been a clue that something was different (I mean really... I felt normal), it wasn't. I went with my typical 'fall back' thought of... I must not have done something right.

Tonight at Bible study one passage of scripture stood out to me above all the rest. In fact, in my notes I wrote "Psalms 32:3-5 When I refuse to confess my sins... WOW."

Here is what it actually says:

3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night
your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the Lord.”
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin.

Verses 3 and 4 describe perfectly how I felt over the last few weeks. My strength was sapped. My days and nights spent groaning on my bed. I tried to medicate myself. I tried asking God why He wasn't helping me. I tried just powering through on my own strength. All the while I silently fought with Him. "You may not like what is happening here God, but I don't trust you to handle it. I've got this."

Verse 5 explains the rest. I confessed. It wasn't the huge outpouring I thought He needed and wanted. Simply going through all the things I needed to say to Him in my head was enough. He knew I meant it. He heard me confess and He forgave.

I just didn't realize it yet. I hadn't fully accepted that I was forgiven, but I had stopped fighting.

It wasn't until tonight, re-reading these verses that I realized that I hadn't cried about anything in these last two days. It wasn't until tonight that I realized why, when I finally saw my doctor today and she asked about my antidepressants I said, "I'm feeling pretty good. I'm not going back on them." And it wasn't until just tonight that I realized Tuesday was the first day I stood my ground against D (a small battle in my fight for respect, but it was a win).

This is what I realized when the end of the night came and I sat down to study for myself... I wasn't fighting depression. I was fighting God, and depression was the result.

I remembered back to the last time I was taking the medication (It started the last time when J left me in 2011 and I continued to make one bad choice after another) and when it was that I stopped taking them (when I turned my life completely over to God in the spring of 2013).

I'm not saying depression isn't real. I'm not saying some people don't need medication. I am only talking about me and my situation. This passage of scripture was the answer I have been looking for. It not only explains my depression, but also where it went and why. 

Are all my problems solved? No. Am I going to sin tomorrow? If I wake up, Yes. Am I going to keep fighting for things God has already told me I can't have and wouldn't want if I knew what He knows about the future? Probably. But next time depression rushes over me the way it has in previous weeks, instead of saying "Why won't you make me feel better, God?" I'll be starting with an apology and a confession.

1 Blessed is the one

whose transgressions are forgiven,

whose sins are covered.

2 Blessed is the one

whose sin the Lord does not count against them

and in whose spirit is no deceit.

3 When I kept silent,

my bones wasted away

through my groaning all day long.

4 For day and night

your hand was heavy on me;

my strength was sapped

as in the heat of summer.

5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you

and did not cover up my iniquity.

I said, “I will confess

my transgressions to the Lord.”

And you forgave

the guilt of my sin.

6 Therefore let all the faithful pray to you

while you may be found;

surely the rising of the mighty waters

will not reach them.

7 You are my hiding place;

you will protect me from trouble

and surround me with songs of deliverance.

8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;

I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,

which have no understanding

but must be controlled by bit and bridle

or they will not come to you.

10 Many are the woes of the wicked,

but the Lord’s unfailing love

surrounds the one who trusts in him.

11 Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous;

sing, all you who are upright in heart!