Tuesday, June 25, 2013

testing 123


To Walk Away or Not to Walk Away...

As I walk this journey towards being the person I was meant to be, I am continually being tested. People who I should have cut loose long ago are coming back to try to take a piece of me again.When this happens, I have been amazed that I have had the strength to do it... to tell them they can't have whatever it is they are looking for and to tell them to move on.

It has definitely been more subtle than that with many of them... but a couple have been told straight up... "I'm done."

I am starting to get to the people who have been close to me for longer though. People who I share a connection of some sort with. People who I do truly love in one way or another... and I'm starting to hesitate.

Maybe there are some that I am not supposed to cut off...

Last weekend a friend and I ended up in a texting fight... he did something that didn't really even have an affect on me. He did something that hurt his mother's feelings. She did what I usually do... "Ah, that's just how he is..." and then shrugged it off.

I couldn't.

I told him that I have seen him be a better person than he is being right now and seeing the person he is being right now makes me sad.
I told him that I am tired of dealing with a "friend" who I would do anything for... who can't return the sentiment because he's too busy... his favorite excuse is "I'm doing me right now."

He sent a sarcastic apology about being a shitty person and having one-sided friendship.

I told him, "You aren't a shitty person. You have a shitty attitude. And because I love you, I have to call you on your shit without being scared that you will be mad at me or stop being my friend... and if you do either of those things, it isn't because I didn't care..."

I know that if he never speaks to me again, at least he knows that I care and that I am still praying for him... I won't ever stop praying for him.

I have another friend, a very close female friend, who assaults my sensibilities constantly with her anti-christian, anti-god, anti-good comments and Internet posts. Yet I know that walking away would be the wrong thing. It would be one more piece of "proof" to her the Jesus cultivates hatred in people. So I will continue to pray for her as well.

No real final thought on this one... just making myself recognize the difference between the good and bad relationships in my life.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

The codependant person and "f" word


What is it about that word that ties me to people?

Go ahead...
Lie to me
steal from me
(just find some way to justify it)
make fun of me
belittle me
(you're just trying to help me be a better person)
ignore me
(you are busy, your life doesn't revolve around me)
yell at me
disrespect me
ignore my no
make sure I know my place

As long as you call me your friend... all will be forgiven.

It takes so much to break that tie, that very few have managed to do it. How to literally make me walk away from you and take the label of "friend" away...? So few have done it, I don't even know what to say there.

What is a "friend"? When did having friends become so important to me? Where did I learn or teach myself that anyone can be my friend regardless of their intentions or their actions?

I don't know. One more thing to explore on this journey into my self... admitting that I have a problem is one huge step towards finding the solution.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


It wasn't a violent thing.
There was no yelling or screaming.
There was no kicking or hitting or biting.

I simply said no.

He didn't listen
He didn't believe me
He'd been here before
He knew I would give in
So he just kept going.

His reply to my tears
was a laugh and a line from a song
"a lap dance is always better when the stripper is crying..."

He had me half undressed before I was even awake enough to comprehend what was happening.

When he was done with me he left the room... purposely refraining from giving me the one thing I desired from every man... a hug, a kiss, a caress... something to make me feel special. Something to make giving up a piece of myself worth it.

He had always been an ass... but I put up with it because he called himself my friend. I put up with it because he would make me feel better sometimes when I was lonely. I put up with it because I saw "truth" in his eyes... my own self-loathing... he only thought I was worth one thing... and I thought only one thing made me special.

Suddenly though, I hated him. The thought of him naked suddenly made me nauseated.

Knowing that I let my kids hang out with him and his girlfriend made me want to smack my head against the wall. What was I thinking? What was he teaching my kids behind my back? What kind of example was this for them if they found out?

I told a couple of people what happened. The one whose words I valued the most at that moment told me it was my own fault for keeping bad company and that I should have known it would happen eventually and have stayed far, far away from him.

I fought that.
Didn't want to believe it.
I KNEW it wasn't my fault.

Then, weeks later, it came back to me that he once mentioned he had a "safe word"... because sometimes 'no' is just said in fun, he had told me...

It was 'trashcan' ... how appropriate...

All I had needed to do was say it... why didn't I remember? Why didn't I shout the word out? Or, forget the stupid word... why didn't I just kick him in the f-ing balls?

Why had I given in so many other times that he considered me his for the taking?

All the whys...

Let's be clear... there was no mistaking my 'no' for anything but a no... 

In hindsight I can see all the ways he crushed my spirit to make sure I would do what he wanted... all the ways he played on my co-dependence (I didn't even know the true meaning of the word at the time).. all the ways he made sure I hated myself just enough to accept his affection as a confirmation that I wasn't worthless...

And this was just one man in my past... not even a serious relationship... just a "friend"... I am seriously reconsidering what that word means... "friend"... another post for another day...

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Jesus is my personal trainer

Over the last year I have lost 65lbs... and have about 40 more to go. I recently took up what I thought was going to be trail-walking... but I was listening to Judah Smith preach (his sermon with a strong, steady beat in the music behind him) through my earbuds and couldn't help myself... when he talks about joy and freedom... I just want to run! I have never been a runner!

(From a t-shirt I saw online.)

I've added some encouraging songs with a strong beat to my playlist as well and it occurred to me today as I was out on a trail that there is something special about pushing yourself to your physical limits and hearing God's word (or talking to Him) at the same time.

My atheist friend would call it "lack if oxygen" but I know there is more.

Your lack of ability to keep up emotional walls just opens up places for Jesus to work where you haven't been letting Him in...

I think back to when I used to watch that TV show "The Biggest Loser" and their personal trainers would push and push and push the contestants until they broke... until they were sobbing and breathless and suddenly talking about all the hurts in their past and why they eat and why they rage and why they are too depressed to move on a daily basis.

Physical exertion can break the walls you've built within yourself. Sometimes it picks at the mortar, making it crumble a tiny bit at a time... but at some point for me there was a "boom"... there was probably a visible physical jolt, if anyone had been around to see it...  

When I had pushed myself to the point where I wanted to stop and sit in the grass and sob about every stupid choice I had ever made, every wrong thing in my life and refuse to ever move again... I had these words in my ears...

(Hit "play" on the youtube video to hear the actual song... you can hear why it would be good to run to.)

"You are no match for sin. You are no match for temptation... The only hope for sexual purity in today's society is beauty and majesty of Jesus. when your eyes and your heart and your emotions get captured by the beauty and the majesty and the loveliness of Jesus it will cause you to resist temptation and look only to Him...

Bondage, addiction, temptation, secrecy, pain... It must bow and it falls back at the mention of His great name. I am convinced that the blood of Jesus is the most powerful agent in human history... and it can set you free... for whom Jesus sets free is free indeed!"

Jesus' love is the answer to your pain.
Just Jesus.
Jesus plus nothing is the answer..."

(Jesus is Bringing Sexy Back; Judah Smith)

Saturday, June 8, 2013


Church tonight was great... it was one of those times when you just follow the flow of the Holy Spirit and praise the Lord for the whole service...

During a time of prayer I just felt His presence so heavily... and I kept praying He would pour out His JOY on everyone. I wanted everyone to experience the JOY of the Lord that I really feel like He has been pouring out over me...

That time ended and our Pastor had us fill out our attendance cards and prepare the offering... while he started to make an announcement that kicked my joy in the teeth.

While the offering was being collected he showed a movie trailer to a movie that looks really good. I was thinking, "I totally want to see that." Then the reason why he had been showing the trailer "clicked" with me... the church is holding a couple's night. Free child care. "If you are married or dating someone you should come out and watch this with us."

I kept ahold of my joy... even when talking to people after the service... all the way to the van. Then I cried.

There is nothing wrong with a couple's night. There is nothing wrong with anything that happened at church... I'm not trying to say that there is... I am trying to say that there is something wrong with me... when a little thing like that can pull the rug right out from under me.

When the kids aren't here, I sit at home by myself and stare at the TV or Facebook. I might do some housework or writing... but mostly couch and FB. I spend half of my holidays sitting alone... always Christmas Day after about 1pm... I spend every other weekend sitting alone.

Now the kids are gone for 10 days and I have been all geared up for some free time... and yet here I sit on the couch crying because I'm so f-ing tired of doing everything alone... more accurately, I'm tired of doing nothing alone.

I am so glad that God has changed me so that I no longer go out and look for ways to fill the hurt when I feel like this... but I look forward to the day when it doesn't hurt anymore.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Thought for today

Sometimes things don't turn out...

Sometimes things don't turn out the way you think they are going too...  whether that be something "big picture," something small like a conversation with a friend or something somewhere in-between.

You might walk away feeling disappointed, hurt and/or confused... but in hindsight, you can see God's protection all over you. 

Thank You Lord for protecting me over and over.

We all know that His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts... (Isaiah 55:8)
but in the midst of seeing something we think is 'going to turn out perfectly' crumble, it can be easy to be upset and to ask God WHY? and to think of walking away.

That is when you ask yourself...

What if letting go of everything you ever wanted led you to dreams you didn't know you had?

You have to stop putting your faith in the PROMISE that you believe He gave you and put your faith in the PROMISE MAKER... because He is the faithful one. He will finish what HE started (Phil 1:6).

GOD is so good to me... I can't even begin to have the right words. But I'll keep trying...

Monday, June 3, 2013

Not looking..

I've said it before. It is worth repeating. I'm not looking for a relationship. Why do I think I need to repeat it? 
Because I keep forgetting.

I am purposely avoiding men in general right now... because I know that I will start to wonder, "Is this him?" or I'll start thinking... "This would make such a great story if we ended up together." 

I know men who love Jesus... but I wonder if any of them would ever consider a promise like mine. *I originally typed "problem like mine" ... Freudian slip, maybe? 

My thought life has improved greatly over the last several months. Jesus has really changed my mind... but I will still see someone from time to time and think, "I wonder what it would be like to kiss him..." (which is WAY better than what I used to think...) but then I remember... 

I made a promise. 

It is a promise I meant with my whole heart. It is a promise I intend to keep.  

One more thing...
if you are praying for me, please don't pray for patience. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

So tired of walking...

This is one of my favorite songs. It's funny how a song that starts out talking about feeling alone and hopeless can make me feel less alone and helpless.

How many times have I been so exhausted at whatever point I am at in my life that I have said, "JESUS! WHERE ARE YOU? Why have you forsaken me? I gave You everything and You have just walked away..." and the whole time He was right there... holding me, trying to comfort me, crying tears over me... if only I would stop, and take a deep breath, and listen for Him and look for Him.

All That I Can Say   By David Crowder

Lord I'm tired 
So tired from walking  
And Lord I'm so alone 
And Lord the dark 
Is creeping in 
Creeping up  
To swallow me  
I think I'll stop 
Rest here a while

And this is all that I can say right now 
And this is all that I can give  
And this is all that I can say right now 
And this is all that I can give, that's my everything
Lord didn't You see me cry'n? 

And didn't You hear me call Your name?  
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?  
I wish You'd remember  
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now, I know it's not much.  
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.  
This is all that I can say right now [right now], 
I know it's not much. But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.

I didn't notice 
You were standing here 
I didn't know that  
That was You holding me  
I didn't notice You were cry'n too 
I didn't know that 
That was You washing my feet

 And this is all This is all that I can say right now, 
Oh I know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.  
This is all that I can say right now [right now], 
I know it's not much.  
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.  
This is all that I can say right now, oh I know it's not much. 
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.. 
yeah that's my everything.. yeah that's my everything.. everything...

 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6