Trashcan

It wasn't a violent thing.
There was no yelling or screaming.
There was no kicking or hitting or biting.

I simply said no.

He didn't listen
He didn't believe me
He'd been here before
He knew I would give in
So he just kept going.

His reply to my tears
was a laugh and a line from a song
"a lap dance is always better when the stripper is crying..."

He had me half undressed before I was even awake enough to comprehend what was happening.

When he was done with me he left the room... purposely refraining from giving me the one thing I desired from every man... a hug, a kiss, a caress... something to make me feel special. Something to make giving up a piece of myself worth it.

He had always been an ass... but I put up with it because he called himself my friend. I put up with it because he would make me feel better sometimes when I was lonely. I put up with it because I saw "truth" in his eyes... my own self-loathing... he only thought I was worth one thing... and I thought only one thing made me special.

Suddenly though, I hated him. The thought of him naked suddenly made me nauseated.

Knowing that I let my kids hang out with him and his girlfriend made me want to smack my head against the wall. What was I thinking? What was he teaching my kids behind my back? What kind of example was this for them if they found out?

I told a couple of people what happened. The one whose words I valued the most at that moment told me it was my own fault for keeping bad company and that I should have known it would happen eventually and have stayed far, far away from him.

I fought that.
Didn't want to believe it.
I KNEW it wasn't my fault.

Then, weeks later, it came back to me that he once mentioned he had a "safe word"... because sometimes 'no' is just said in fun, he had told me...

It was 'trashcan' ... how appropriate...

All I had needed to do was say it... why didn't I remember? Why didn't I shout the word out? Or, forget the stupid word... why didn't I just kick him in the f-ing balls?

Why had I given in so many other times that he considered me his for the taking?

All the whys...

Let's be clear... there was no mistaking my 'no' for anything but a no... 


In hindsight I can see all the ways he crushed my spirit to make sure I would do what he wanted... all the ways he played on my co-dependence (I didn't even know the true meaning of the word at the time).. all the ways he made sure I hated myself just enough to accept his affection as a confirmation that I wasn't worthless...

And this was just one man in my past... not even a serious relationship... just a "friend"... I am seriously reconsidering what that word means... "friend"... another post for another day...