Only a test

If you want to date me,
and we've talked much at all,
I've probably asked you a lot
about your interests and activities
because I want to get to know you better.
Not too long in I will send you a link
to something I wrote that I'm proud of.
It will take less than 5 minutes to read.
You don't have to love it.
You just have to read it.
This is a test...
It is only a test.

When I wrote just a month ago about a new relationship that I was really hoping would work out, I was already seeing signs it might not. That was one of them that followed soon after. I sent a link to a post that was important to me, and I explained why. He still didn't read it. It wasn't the problem, just a symptom.

I mentioned that I was worried about turning my fear of failure into a self-fulfilling prophesy. It turns out, sometimes people are just complicated and don't know how to communicate well. That's okay. I made a lot of new friends during that couple of months and that is what I'm choosing to focus on.

Right after I told him it wasn't working out, I participated in a motivational conference as a vendor. One of the speakers there said,

"You have to surround yourself with good people. 

Someone can be good, but not good for you.
You will be too much for some people... Those aren't your people."
-Ingrid Beyhl

It turns out, I am too much for some people. For the right one, I won't be. I'd rather wait a little longer for him than keep trying to make things work with someone who isn't all in. Life is too short for that.

Thankfully, in the process this last time, I met a lot of other good people. <3

I told someone else this last week that with the exception of that fact that I can't seem to find a man who isn't a jerk, doesn't need rescued, or isn't some combination of the two... my life is pretty great right now. I'm pretty happy with how things are going. My bills are paid and work is flowing well. I need to find more time to write, but I'm working on that too. Most importantly, I know who I am. I may forget sometimes, but only for a moment. Then I remind myself, dust myself off, and keep going...

I'll be sharing my previous post as a speech at my next Toastmasters' meeting. I'm really looking forward to it! If you aren't familiar with Toastmasters, feel free to ask! It a great thing to be involved with!

I don't have anything life-changing or ultra-encouraging to share this time, but sometimes a post like this gets things out and opens the floodgates for something more meaningful. Sometimes I write things like this that I think nobody will get anything from and I hear later how much it touched someone in an unexpected way. 

One of the ways I remind myself who I am, is by reading this to myself... also, I have this new shirt I love that says FEARLESS on it... definitely working on being that more often. 

Why write?

I write to keep a record of this journey,
give others hope, to show that God
doesn't use perfect people, and
that we all stumble, but
keeping our focus on Him
makes every struggle worth it.

I write because I know that
in the grand scheme of things,
while I am special to Him,
I am not any more or less special
than anyone else, and the amazing things
He does for me, He will do for others as well.

I write because I know that
when I pull Him close, He reveals
so much more to me about life
and love and hopes and dreams and
failure and success and what
it truly means to walk by faith
than I could get from any other source.

I write not because I think my writing
is great or that the world needs to hear truths
from me over anyone else. In fact, so many
times I have typed words and sat dumbfounded,
reading a message He clearly had me write
to teach myself something I was missing.

There are many reasons why I write,
and I could go on and on about them,
but the most important one is this: Because He told me to.

~~~~~~~

I started this blog to hold myself accountable for my issues, to work through them and give myself a visible timeline showing what my walk with Him looks like, to help me learn to rely on God over all else... not to give those who wish to persecute me a list of my mistakes, slip-ups, stumbles, and out-right acts of rebellion. But I haven't written as much lately because some turmoil in my life has been created by someone who wishes to do just that.

Today I'm reminding myself of the reasons I write, and reminding myself that God has a plan here that I can't let go of... even if others will try to twist it to use against me. Three steps forward and two steps back makes the journey slow at times, but it is real and honest. If I am nothing else, I have to be real and honest.

But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.  

~1 John 4:4

Defensive wounds

My youngest daughter's father wanted to talk about something. So instead of sending a text or calling to say, "When are you free to talk?" He was waiting in the foyer when my church service let out last night. I told him to leave and that I would talk to him later, walking away. Then, partly to keep him from approaching me again, I stood near a male friend.

Just standing near someone who, from the ex's perspective, I may or may not be dating, or who may or may not stand up for me if he pushed the issue was enough to keep him away for awhile. Eventually that friend had to go. So I tried again to get the ex to leave. He tried to start an argument.

My 'Boundaries' reading kicked in and I told him to leave because we were not talking then or there. He went to the parking lot and I refused to walk outside until he got in his car and drove away. I called him shortly thereafter and he refused to talk because it wasn't on his terms.

I think I handled it okay on my own. And to be fair, there was nobody at the church who I expected to step in and back me up. But it doesn't make me long for that any less... to have someone step in and back me up, defend me, tell him that he doesn't have a right to harass me. At the very least, silently put an arm around me and walk me away from the situation without escalating it.

It's something I have always wanted. Even when I was married, my husband wasn't the kind of man who would do that. There were times I begged him to defend me. He wouldn't. No man I've dated since would look at my kids or my mom or someone else who was being disrespectful and say, "I won't allow you to talk that way about/to her."

A few months ago I wrote this about my ex-husband and his wife:

While I have forgiven them for what happened,
it is hard to understand why God would honor a relationship
that tore my marriage apart, letting them find happiness
and marriage in spite of the pain they caused,
while I continue to struggle on my own. (-Not about the boy)

A few days later, my ex-husband showed me the blog post and told me that someone had sent it to him. I don't know who it was, nor do I care. For the record, I had every intention of getting my husband back... of putting my family back together. But what he had with her at the time was new and fun, with no stress, no baggage, nothing that required anything of him... just an eighteen year old girl who hung on his every word and wrote him love notes and put them on his fridge where his wife could see them. So yes, that relationship tore my marriage apart... 

What does that have to do with this post today?

He saw a blog post that, in his mind, called his wife a homewrecker. So he drove to my house, and stood in my kitchen, and defended her honor.

He defended her honor to me.
 
I tried to emphasize the most ridiculous, hurtful parts of that sentence... "He defended her honor to me." But there was no way to pick it apart. Take from that what you will. I took a lot of things from it. None of them good.

As much as I often wish I had someone to defend me to others, sometimes I need someone to defend me to me...

For all the times and ways God has used me, even recently, despite all my failings, you'd think I'd have more positive things to say... I mean, I know things have to get better. They are going to turn around. I'm going to have something positive to say again soon, I'm sure. Maybe even tomorrow. But I can't see it today.

Fighting for new

Just because I'm a new creation,
forgiven, freed and loved, doesn't
mean breaking out of old patterns
is any easier for me than before.
I'm still a human, broken girl
who has trouble making sense of
the world around her, fighting
each step of the way to embrace "new."

When one ex-turned-friend, not D,
sent inappropriate texts last week,
it took me a couple of days
to tell him to please stop.
In fact, just hours before I stopped it,
I had formed a plan in my mind
to follow through on the things he
suggested might be fun to try again.

But, in my heart I knew that simply
attempting to fulfill the longing to be
wanted, touched, and held would
not truly fulfill the real desire
to be loved, honored, cherished.
I could be feeling shame right now
that I was weak in the moment,
but I gave God the chance to step in
and He helped me make a way out.

The Bible says thinking is as bad as doing.
Stopping at that logic, there is no point in resisting.
Instead I choose to see this as another step
to a real victory over my deceitful mind and will.

Don't give up. Don't give in.
Eventually it will get better. 
God's got this, I have to believe.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. 

And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 

~1 Cor. 10:13

Tuesday

I spent Tuesday in bed.

A truly inspiring Christian author
wrote me yesterday, calling me a
"faithful, humble and bold believer"
and I couldn't help but think,
"If he only knew I was so
discouraged that I spent Tuesday
in bed, sleeping and crying."

How bold and faithful is that?

Since my post about "Worth"
last week, Satan has made it his
mission to see that I don't recognize
mine by bringing to light the
comments, thoughts and actions of
those who often act as if I have none,
from exes to my own children.

This isn't what I asked God to show me.

As I function as this person I am, and
then turn and share about the love, mercy,
and grace of God with others,
I feel like I'm two different people.
The faithful, humble, bold believer, and
the girl who recognized the oncoming train
as an attack by Satan, but didn't run.

No, I laid down on the track in front of it.

I love being the girl who shares with others about
what God has done in my life. I love inspiring
people with hope of what He wants to do
in theirs. I love connecting with people,
sharing, pouring into them, saying something
I feel is random and finding out God put
those words in my heart for just that one person.

Being that girl is awesome.

Some days I just wish I could get THAT girl to knock some sense into THIS one.

I've heard that voice before

Years ago I was in a relationship that wasn't working. Still, I sincerely thought J and I were going to get married. So, the day he walked into my house and broke it off, accusing me of something I didn't do, I was shocked. I followed him back to his house, trying to prove him wrong.

I cried and begged and pleaded for him to listen to me, tried to prove I hadn't been talking to the person he had forbidden me to have contact with several months before. I don't remember most of what I said. I do remember that at some point, I collapsed into a sobbing heap on the entryway floor. My whole body was shaking and I was ready to throw up any second. Then, all of the sudden, I heard a voice in my head. (Don't worry, it wasn't a psychotic break... it was my own voice...)

I said, "You are miserable. You fight all the time. This is your chance to walk away. This is not what you want for your life."

The next thing I know, I had walked out the door and gone home. I then deliberately sabotaged any chance we had at getting back together by actually calling the person he had forbidden me to contact. A few days later, the banned person had asked for a ride somewhere and I said okay. J saw him in my van. The look on J's face made me wonder if I had done the wrong thing. I was immediately terrified. I was officially alone again. I called him, emailed him, sent texts, randomly tried to chat with him. I made a lot really poor decisions, many of which I blamed on him.

Two months later I went out with friends one night and, after the bars closed, they dropped me off at home. I remember walking in my front door. Next I remember standing on his front porch and hearing him say, "Stay right there. I'm calling the police." I was three of the five blocks home before they made it to his house and he pointed them in my direction. The officer didn't approach me on the sidewalk. He just asked from the street where my home was and if I was going there. I said yes, and I did.

The next time I had a weekend with no kids, the friends who had dropped me off before thought it would be a good idea for me to stay with them instead of going home... to keep me out of trouble. That was the last time I hung out with those friends because that was the night that she slept in one room while I said, "No." to him in another and my 'No' was ignored.

Who did I turn to for comfort after this happened? The man who had been my best friend for nearly four years, J. His response was, "You got what you deserved."

His comments should have been a confirmation to me that I had been right when I walked away. Instead, his rejection of me spurred me to convince him we should be together. It was two years before I quit trying to talk to him... all the while I let my life spin out of control. I've mentioned here that I have a hard time letting go sometimes right? Yeah, thought so.

So, what reminded me of all of this tonight?

D is leaving in the next few days, moving out of state. We have been 'just friends' for quite awhile now, but his definition of 'friends' changes from time to time (sometimes from minute to minute) and it has been more than a little confusing for my heart and my mind. 

A couple of times this week I have had melt-downs where I just had to shut myself in my room and cry until I was out of tears. Sometimes I think he stops by and talks about packing and leaving just to make me cry. I'm supposed to be helping him with one of his classes via the internet this fall, and he promises we will Skype, and he'll come visit at Christmas when he's in town to see his mom. I've already been told what I'm making for dinner when he comes over.

But today, when I started to fall apart after getting a text from him about the class I'm supposed to help him with, and again later while I was putting together some photos I'd gathered for him, I heard a familiar voice in my head. "Why are you doing this? He has proven he does not really care about you. You are miserable when he is around. You have to fight all the time for respect. This is not what you want for your life. This is not what God wants for your life. Move on."

Holding on has not served me well in the past. The voice was right before, and I ignored it. Tonight I am asking for grace and help and direction as I fight to be the girl I am supposed to be, instead of continually slipping back into the patterns of that girl God saved me from being.

How many times has He saved me from myself? More than I can count. I'm thankful tonight that He isn't giving up on me.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. 

~Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

 I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms. 

~Ephesians 1:19-20

Self respect vs him

I've admitted to knowing that my relationship with D is unhealthy.
When I'm unavailable due to distance or emotion, he tends to try harder.
When I come around emotionally or when he gets back into town from a trip,
he is suddenly no longer interested in spending time or even talking to me.

I've been working on coming to terms with this weird push-pull.
 
While we haven't been dating over the last several months,
I wanted to believe something was there over these last weeks.
I wanted to believe all the best in him that I knew I had seen.
I wanted to believe that D and I would work, were PTSD not involved.

I hope I can truly say that this particular roller-coaster ride is over.

It is not uncommon for people in my life to tell me they will do something
but not follow through for one reason or another. Often waiting until
the very last moment, or beyond, to cancel or make an excuse for backing out.
Over the last year the lack of respect in this has become increasingly irritating.

Still, every time D did it, I made an excuse for him, PTSD. Even upset, I let it go.

He's been doing it more and more lately, then flashing a smile and asking
me to forgive him as though he had no control over the circumstances.
This afternoon he tried it again, this time cutting an entire evening of plans
down to what would amount to an hour on Friday for a quick dinner.

I told him that if I'm not important enough to make time for, then to forget it.

I truly think he thought he would call my bluff by saying, "Forget it then."
I told him "Thanks for letting me know." I'm sure he was waiting for more.
I started to tear up and then I told myself, this has nothing to do with you.
He has proven himself not worth my time and energy any longer.

As I told a friend, "That could change in 10 minutes..." but it hasn't yet.

I think that when he realizes I really am upset enough to not care anymore
he will try to get back into my good graces. That's how this game is played.
I pray I have the strength to resist. I pray God takes my feelings for him
and tosses them deep into the sea, leaving them there, on the ocean floor.

In the battle of self-respect vs a man's attention there should be a no contest.

Should be no contest.  Those are some very important words there.
Does that mean he won't try again? No. Does that mean I wont fail? No.
But to get back to that healthier person I thought I was a few months ago
I am going to have to try harder than I have been, and be more determined.

Prayer changes things. I know this. Please pray for me. With God I know I can do this.

Pray for us, for our conscience is clear and we want to live honorably in everything we do.
~Hebrews 13:18

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. 

~Proverbs 31:25

Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a good conscience, desiring to conduct ourselves honorably in all things - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Self-Respect#sthash.ss31L6We.dpuf

Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a good conscience, desiring to conduct ourselves honorably in all things - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Self-Respect#sthash.ss31L6We.dpuf

Growing

It used to be that whenever
I felt sadness or rejection
I would attempt to find someone
to pay attention to me
and get them to tell me
they thought I was
pretty, or special, or something else.

Some told me in words,
others in actions that I interpreted myself.

Every time it was destructive
to me and my emotional well-being
as well as my relationship with Jesus, but I was in denial.

Last night a man I know
inadvertently made me feel
inferior, less than, and unworthy.

Caught up in his own head,
listening to those sneaky whispers from the dark,
He started talking/posting about
the kind of woman
he didn't want to marry.
He made it clear that some sins
while forgiven by God,
made some women ineligible.

I logged off the computer
knowing the Truth,
but feeling deflated at the same time.
Not that I wanted to marry him,
but there are plenty of woman like me
who God has made new.

If he wrote these women off,
He was telling me I wasn't good enough either.

Within minutes I had a text on my phone from an ex.
I won't tell you what it said, but it was suggestive in nature.
The enemy knows my weaknesses, and he works fast.

The first text I treated as a joke.
The second I answered with a smart comment.
The third I answered with the truth:

I told you 'if you ever want a friend, 
you know where to find me,' 
but it doesn't sound like 
you just want a friend at the moment.
... Have a good night.

Saying no to flirtation with temptation
has been difficult for me, especially
when my feelings have been hurt.
It is so easy to look to a man
and let him boost my self esteem.

But I've come to learn that
while I was wandering around
looking for one to tell me my worth
The One who created me was watching
     and calling out to me...
          "I KNOW your value, just ask Me."

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
Before you were born I set you apart
and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1:5 (NLT)

“Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child?
Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
But even if that were possible,
I would not forget you!See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.
Always in my mind is a picture of Jerusalem’s walls in ruins.
Isaiah 49:15-16 (ESV)

But now, God’s Message,
the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.
(Isaiah 43:1-4 MSG)

Finally getting over it for good

As much as I want to be not single anymore, I know that God is working on me to get me to a place where I can be emotionally healthy enough for a real relationship. Every time I surprise myself by making a good choice, I'm not only surprised by the choice itself, but reminded that if this kind of thing is a surprise... I still have a ways to go.

It is hard, but I also know it will be worth it. I don't want someone to have to 'settle' for the girl I am when I have so much more potential... and while the changes are both fast and slow, I know change won't impact my life in a lasting way, if I try to do it all by myself, or all overnight.


In the past, I have had a bad habit of holding on to exes. Over the last several months I have cut the cords on a lot of those relationships and been pretty proud of myself for doing so.

There is one in particular that has alluded me though. I would declare myself "over him" and go for weeks without thinking about J, and then something would bring him to mind. I always took that as an opportunity to pray for him... but then I'd start the emotional roller-coaster of, "What if."

(I've written about J here before... we broke up the day before I thought he was going to propose... and it is what started the spiral that led me to move here.)

I recently realized I had this fantasy about him seeing the changes going on in my life and realizing I was good enough for him now. That one hit me kind of hard... "good enough"...? How good could a relationship have actually been if I spent most of it just being grateful that he let me hang around and at the same time, spent most of that time also afraid he was going to leave because I wasn't really good enough for him?

Fear is not love.

Yesterday, after I decided it was time to get out of bed and get a shower and some dinner... I grabbed a sweatshirt to put on and realized it was one of his. I took it back off and grabbed another and asked myself, "Why do I still have that thing?"

While I was out driving after that I decided that it was time to throw that stuff away. The sweatshirt, the jacket, the expensive bottle of tequila I'd bought to give him on Valentines Day, not knowing we weren't going to make it that long and held on to all this time. Time to get over it, right? Right... and then I put it out of my mind.

Late last night a mutual friend commented on one of J's pictures on Facebook, which was weird because he NEVER posts pictures publicly. I clicked on it and saw it was him and his girlfriend, happy, smiling.

That's when the weirdest thing happened...

I realized I didn't care.


When the enemy finds a way to distract you from your walk with God, he will exploit it as much as possible. In hindsight, the whole thing will likely seem ridiculous. It does to me right now.

How much time have I spent remembering and wishing for the good parts of that relationship? How many times have I gone through a break-up since then and didn't cry for the guy I had just lost... but for the "this would have never happened if..." of J? Every single time, drawing my focus from where it should have been.

Took out some trash this afternoon. Feeling pretty good about meaning it this time when I say I'm 'over it'...

God has a better plan and I happy to give up the piece of my own that I have been secretly clutching.

When I started praying that God's will for my life be the most important thing to me... I never realized how much of my own I had left to let go, and I never imagined how good it would feel to be able to do so. 

 

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2

Don't listen to Oprah

So I used to write a blog
that was titled and written
based on something
I had probably seen
on daytime TV.
Oprah? Dr Phil? Who knows.
I seem to remember
watching shows about
"living my best life."
Anyway,
I had decided
I was going to post
every
single
day
for one year.

365 posts to a better me
so I could be ready
for my 'forever'.
No, not Heaven...
the perfect man, of course.
I even wrote all
about him.
I wrote about
having the faith
of Joshua.
Not that I expanded
on anything enough to
prove I even knew
what that means.
I wrote about
how God was going
to help me change.
I wrote a lot about
me.
In fact, it was ALL about me.
I even had the nerve
to give God a time table.
In 365 days
I was going to be
a better person
in good shape
and engaged to the man of my dreams.
(stop laughing, not only did I mean it... but people were encouraging me!)

So that blog was to help me
keep a record...
Because I wrote it down and told God it's what I wanted.
If you write it down and speak it into the universe, it comes back to you.
So I was going to get it...
WHAT!?!
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was Oprah's idea.
Let's blame her.
She'll never know anyway.

So where was I
365 days after that first post?
Homeless
Broke
Broken
and so much more...

It is crazy reading the things that I wrote back then... 2.5 years ago...
I hope that when I read this, in the future,
I don't shake my head
and wonder what I was thinking.

Yes, God has promised to give me the desires of my heart.
But it's like I read the other day..
Life with Him isn't Burger King
I can't have it my way.

Psalm 37:4-5

4 Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:

 
Why do so many people focus on the

underlined section of those verses

and completely forget highlighted part?

How much better
     would these last few years
have been
     had I asked God what
HIS will for my life was
     instead of telling HIM
what my plan was
     and expecting HIM to do it.


After reading I also did some praying today about an ex (J) who I wrote about like he was God in that other blog. It was really eye-opening for me to read it again. I say it took me two years to get over him... really, that was when he told me his heart belonged to someone else. So I was done. I have never been interested in a man who wasn't either available or a good enough liar to convince me that he was... but it is ridiculous that it took me that long and that THAT was the real end. Another "what was I thinking" moment. Last time I wrote about him, I called it part 1... but after today I doubt I will write much more about him.
It's over and done
And not because he moved on
It's done because J is not God's will for my life.
And that is what I care about
God's will for my life
     not my will
          not even Oprah's.

Roman's 12:2

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Seeing God's Protection...

One thing that amazes me about the whole plan that He has for me... is that while God let me go through things and let me make mistakes and bad choices that will ultimately work for the good... He saw the times when I was just on the very edge of something truly life-altering and stopped it from happening.

I will probably write more on these someday, but right now, every day, I go through, "What if they knew..." and then eventually I tell someone some piece of the story and their reaction isn't nearly as bad as I expected... and I'm relieved.

I know that the person who did these things has been fading away for awhile. She tries to come back, but God is just too good to let that happen... and when she does He uses it to teach me a lesson. I am too determined to find my purpose in Him to let that happen anyway. So instead of adding these things to the story of my spiral downwards, I add them to the list of times where, in hindsight, I can clearly see God's protection... and often when I go into some of the details of the story... His call to come back to Him.

There is the time I was convinced to try cocaine... and saying that doesn't even begin to do the actual picture of what happened justice... I was in a seedy bar bathroom, snorting coke through a rolled up dollar bill. I did not care one bit about what could happen... just that this guy who told me he loved me wanted me to do this. He was just "a friend," not even a relationship... The drugs turned out to be fake.

One time I pulled out of a bar parking lot, way too intoxicated to drive the three blocks I needed to go... and was followed by a state cop for those three blocks... and he just kept going after I pulled into the driveway.

What about when I decided it wouldn't be such a bad idea to start selling myself? I figured I might as well get paid for what I was doing for free since it was all anyone wanted from me anyway. I already had some contacts and I was flat broke... Nobody except the contacts I had knew about any of this... but someone I barely knew just gave me money out of nowhere... $1000... for no reason except to help me... and with nothing expected in return.

Before I moved, a good friend confessed she had feelings for me and I just had to say no. I didn't want to say no... and I probably would have caved before long. I had secretly dated women before. But very soon after that, I met the guy who I moved away for... and she and I didn't have much contact for a long time... until God did some work on both of us.

There was a guy who wanted to take me to Vegas to check out the swingers clubs... and see whatever other kinds of trouble we could get into. His timing was bad... a week earlier I would have been able to make it work. But his vacation schedule was set.

Most of these things were more recent than I'd like to admit... but some stuff happened before I met J. I remember when I told him some of the things I did before I met him... and he cried because I wasn't the person he thought I was... and I felt awful. I hated myself for the things I couldn't change. Then, when he came back and said he wanted to be with me anyway, I thought I was lucky to have found someone so forgiving. It turns out, he was just saving it all up to throw back at me later...

That is part of my fear. I don't want people to use these things in the future to hurt me. Especially considering that these are the times I was protected... but I got into these situations because I was living a life that was so far from where I should have been.

I also know I can't continue to live in fear of who I was when WHO I AM is trying so hard to break free from all of it. I read today that you can't grow as a person if you live your life in fear of failure... that is the other part of my fear. I kept so much of my life a secret for a very long time... if I fail in some way... and people know who I used to be... it's going to be a lot harder to hide it.

Come to think of it, I'm not sure if that is good or bad...

This one is going to take awhile (Part 1)

I don't know if this is a good idea or a bad one. I don't know if this serves a purpose or not. I know it took me two years to get over J and all of the sudden I can't stop thinking about him. It was just during prayer before... and I have prayed so many times for his salvation... even if I never see him again, I still want him to love Jesus. But I also know that him loving Jesus, and knowing that I am a different person now would probably fix just about every issue we had.

Last week I accidently drove past where he works... I was looking at a rental house nearby and couldn't find it. Honestly, I didn't know he still worked there. But I saw his car in the parking lot at CAT and almost wrecked.

I thought asking God what to do would help, but I don't know the right questions. Should I continue to pray for his salvation? Duh... It is God's will that everyone be saved... so praying for something that is in His will is always a good thing. Should I pray that we get back together? That would be one huge frickin' miracle... and I don't know if us getting back together is God's will or not. I could continue to ask... but asking to know the future never quite works out. I don't think He wants me to know.

So here I am, stuck... but it can't hurt to get this all out... I feel the need to write and all I can think about is this...

So anyway, here goes nothing...

----------------------

He lived just a few blocks away from me in high school.
We rode the same bus.
We had at least one class together.
He was in my car in driver's ed.
But we never spoke to each other.

Nearly ten years after graduation, January 13, 2007, when a mutual friend introduced us after dragging me out to karaoke, we hit it off right away. He added me on messenger and we would talk all night via the computer. It didn't take long for me to have a huge crush on him. I knew it wouldn't work out. There was no way he would ever like me... I even flirted with other guys online because I knew J was just a one-sided thing. He'd be bored and move on soon. But he didn't.

He volunteered to fix the radio in my van and to thank him I cooked dinner. Afterwards we sat on the couch and watched TV together with the kids running around everywhere. One child climbed up on my lap and threw her head back... and then that precious, adorable 3 year old said, "Wow, you have big boobs." I don't know who was more embarrassed.

Another day he was fixing the bathroom door that was falling off the hinges and had his tools laid out next to him. My five year old son was inspecting his work and showed J his own tools... "Look, I have a wrench too." J smiled, "Wow, do you fix things with that?" My son gave him a strange look and said, "No. It's just plastic."

Welcome to my life, J.

I wrote a song once about the night things turned from friendship into something else. It would make a fun country song... We had both been drinking and having a great time when he leaned in so nobody else could hear to ask what I wanted to do after the bar closed, "Can I take you home, or can I take you home?" I looked at him, obviously puzzled. He said, "Those are two completely different options. Think about it." There was a lot of liquid courage that night because that was not something he would normally say or do... and even when we got back to his apartment, if I hadn't kissed him first... nothing would have happened.

The next day he felt guilty. He was scared. A single mom of four... he had never dated a woman with kids before. It took a week and some prodding from friends to get him to admit that he did really like me and it wasn't a mistake. In fact, he came over one night, I am pretty sure to tell me that he just couldn't do it... there were tears on both sides... and then we kissed again and it was all over... or rather, it really began.

My youngest had already been diagnosed with a rare disease and was in need of a transplant when we first met in January. Scheduled to leave town for six months in April, He and I were pretty inseparable for the next six weeks after he decided he really did want to pursue a relationship. I couldn't believe any of it was happening. In the midst of this terrible diagnosis and scary treatment for my baby, I was finding happiness.

I had held some fundraisers to help cover expenses while the baby was in transplant. The morning I left town, J handed me an envelope with $500 in it to help. I knew he was a good guy. He had always been kind and respectful and thoughtful... but his continuing to be selfless when it came to the kids and I just told me for sure that God had put us together for a reason. This guy was the one.

 

----------------------

I had no idea about the struggles we would go through and the things we would do to hurt each other over the next four years.

I know some of the things he did were wrong... especially towards the end. There are things that, if we saw each other again I would have a hard time forgiving... He had a conversation with my oldest about which room in his house would be hers... right before he dumped me and never spoke to the kids again... not a single word, hug, goodbye, nothing... after 4 years. He told my mom all of my secrets when he was angry at me one time... all of them. Things I haven't even put in this blog yet... my mom knows. He told me the rape that happened after we broke up was my own fault... that one I am still dealing with.

But I'm no saint... I spent so much time acting out of fear that he would leave me if he knew me. I lied. A lot... It was all little stuff. "So what are you doing today?" "Cleaning the house." I was laying on the couch covered by a blanket of depression I didn't know how to pull off of myself... or playing mind-numbing games online so I didn't have to think about life.  "Who was that text from?" "Just a friend." It was an ex-boyfriend who I rationalized trying to stay friends with. "What were you going to tell me?" "I lost five pounds!" I didn't. I lost 2... and the truth was, he didn't really care... but I was afraid he did.

My mind was a mess. My priorities were a mess. My life was a mess. And I was trying to tell HIM that his life would be better if he had Jesus.

Is it any wonder that he didn't believe me?

He Waited...

Talking to a friend
who is waiting for his marriage to be restored
and even coming to believe in his vision
has been eye-opening for me.

It took a lot of heartache to get past
the version of love we see in movies
read in books
or hear in country songs.

Heck, I can barely listen to country music
at all anymore...
because it still all reminds me of one person...
the could-have-been fairy tale romance that crashed and burned.
     More on that another day, I'm sure.

I've tried every 'version'
of love there is...
except that one that is
patient and not demanding and not self-seeking
     (Not that I knew that then... but hindsight is 1080p)

The thought of someone continuing to wait
after months or years
is crazy right?
It doesn't happen.
When it does
it's a "Notebook"-worthy love story...
(that's high praise... seriously)

I've said it many times now...
I've never known someone
who would wait for me
for two weeks,
let alone months or years.

I was driving this weekend
thinking about that...
and said as much to God.

And that's when I realized...
He was waiting for me for almost 34 years.

What a thought. God created me with a purpose... a purpose I can only find in Him. Unfortunately for me, I have never really grasped that concept before this year. I can't say that I have really completely tried before this season of my life. But that didn't matter to Him. He has been watching and waiting... with more patience than I can wrap my mind around.

I have heard Him calling only to turn around and walk the other way, run to Him and been comforted in the hardest times...only to see life improve and go back to living the way I wanted to live.

He was with me all through this...
knowing that this time would come
when what He has done for me would finally mean something
and I would fully devote myself
to His purpose and His plans
no matter what that means for the hopes and dreams I have created for my life up to this point.

It's crazy how the message of the cross can be repeated over and over until those of us who think we understand it begin to take it for granted... and God has to use other things to get to us.

Waiting... in this age where everyone wants everything "now" ... even me ...

I know how hard waiting in so many different areas has been for me for even the last 8 months... and now He reminds me that he patiently waited for 34 years... for me.

And this isn't an infatuation... a crush on some girl he doesn't quite know yet... someone who is going to show her true self eventually and scare him away...
He created me... so I am pretty sure He already knows me.
Every flaw.
Every thought.
Every feeling.
Every cell of my body
     including the number of hairs on my head...

And He still waited.

Don't Let Me Call You Sweetheart...

Unless you are a child, you do not want me to call you sweetheart.

Sweetheart is my nice girl way of calling you a dumbass. 'Cause I'm too nice of a girl to call you a dumbass to your face. Dumbass. Oh, sorry, I was on a roll there...

There are some exceptions... I was giving a friend of mine a ride home from church one day and she was walking and talking and started to get into a van that was similar to mine, but wasn't. I said, "Um, sweetheart? My van is over there..." Oops!... and we went on our way. About 15 minutes later she said, "Hey... I just realized you called me a dumbass back there..." and we both laughed hysterically. There are just some friends you can do that with...


Today I got an email from someone I haven't heard from in over a year...

We emailed back and forth a few times, but it was clear what he as looking for. And he kept asking me for a picture... like he possibly couldn't remember who I was... isn't that lovely a thought?

I finally replied... after he didn't get it the first time I told him I wasn't interested and then ignored him for awhile and got two more emails asking me where I went... sometimes you have to spell things out for the younger ones apparently. (BTW, under 30 is too young... under 25... what was I thinking!?!)

Anyway, I sent him this:

"Sweetheart, we both know you are only interested in one thing... and you're not getting it from me."

It was easy.
I was proud of myself.
I can do this!

I wish it was that easy every time.

It's not.

 

Because she has lived through so many my mistakes... I told my oldest daughter about it. No details... just "A guy I haven't heard from in forever emailed me" and some of the things he said that were "red flags." Then I told her the response I sent him above.

She smiled and put her hand out for a high-five.
I hope she learns from my mistakes and doesn't repeat them.

Used To Be

This isn't just a story I wrote. It really happened. All of it. I titled it "Used to Be" because the man in this story put so much value in what he used to be... to this day he still does. Until recently our daughter would proudly tell perfect strangers, "My daddy used to be a cop." because he had said it to her and in front of her so many times. For his sake and for hers I pray that he someday does something he can be proud of so that he no longer has to tell people what he used to be.

Used To Be

“I know what I'm talkin' about. I used to be a police officer.” he says as I mop the floor of the gas station. “I'll never work with this town's department. It's too political. I'll find a cop job somewhere though.” I nod and smile genuinely, sure that he will. I don't answer audibly, but he's the kind of guy who really doesn't need an answer to continue with a story.

“I was good you know. I graduated top of my class. You know that guy who was in here earlier? Harry. He graduated like, eighth. They like him here though because he does what they tell him to. Never mind that he's a bad cop and he beats his wife.” I pause for a moment and look at him, expecting more of an explanation as to how he knows this, but I don't get one. He just continues, “Cops know how to do it and not get caught ya' know...” he stops talking for a moment to concentrate on what he is doing.

I've finished mopping the front of the store except for the path where we walk out and he's counting the money from the cash register so I move on and inventory the cigarettes. I carefully use the step-stool to reach the packs that are stored particularly high so I don't fall gracelessly in my short denim skirt and pink sweater. My heeled sandals aren't meant for cleaning a gas station so those are already kicked off and waiting for us near the door. I count each cigarette pack and case, writing totals lightly in pencil so he can re-do the page his own handwriting.

He writes a number down on his register tape and continues “Did you know the top of your head doesn't bruise?” He pauses and I realize he actually wants an answer.

“Really?” I say incredulously.

“Well, if it does nobody can see it under all the hair. Between your fingers doesn't either.”

“Oh, I didn't know that.”

“Yep. You learn a lot of things like that as a police officer.”

He finally declares himself finished and punches out on the time-clock as we head towards a late movie in the next town over. I make a joke about how I worked harder to close down the store than he did and I didn't even work there. He takes it as a compliment, “Well, I guess you just couldn't wait to get some time alone with me.” I just giggle in response.

Seven months later, I remember that conversation with chills. I lay in bed and wrap my arms around my growing belly that holds our daughter. My head aches, inside and out as I sob, remembering how he used my hair to drag me from the bed just the day before. Replaying every moment in my mind, I see myself running to get away from him, his every step in pursuit pounding in my ears. Eventually, I give up. He holds me down on the couch with his knee and screams viciousness at me. I cower and curl into the fetal position, arms and legs pulled up and wrapped around to protect the only part of me that has any innocence left.

There were no bruises to convince the judge, but there was fear, and that must have been enough. Now I grip these papers that a judge handed me this morning and wonder if they will be enough to keep him away.  What is a piece of paper to a maniac? What is a piece of paper to a man who argued with the judge, “I shouldn't have to give up my guns. I know what I'm talkin' about. I used to be a police officer.”

I know who I used to be. I am reminded daily in a million different ways. I still fight daily to tell remind myself that that girl doesn't exist anymore. But I am fighting. I'm not giving up.

I am so thankful that God doesn't care who I used to be. He doesn't look at the things I'm doing today and tell me, "You know what stupid choices you've made... you should probably not try to succeed at anything new either." He doesn't tell me I'm worthless. He doesn't tell me I'll never be anything more than I used to be.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 5:17

Thank you Lord for using me... my stumbles, my falls, my triumphs and my stories... for Your glory. My life is yours. Help me remember that every single day.

I don't ever again want to be what I used to be.

God is my Defender

Okay, I'll admit it... I'm scared.

I met with my lawyer this week as we are just 3 weeks away from a full day of court proceedings to determine who will have custody of my youngest daughter. My lawyer says her dad has no chance... but from the barrage of emails and texts I am receiving... making demands and threats... his lawyer is telling him the same thing.

The scared part of me wants to give in to his demands. Bend over backwards even more... so that he will just stop being so mean. But I know better... he is never happy... nothing is ever enough.

My lawyer says I am a saint... Twice when he was broke I gave him a job. When he was in the hospital, I ran errands for him and took our daughter up to see him twice! All while he was posting nasty things about me on Facebook... on the laptop that I picked up for him from his apartment.

Now that we are out of Galesburg, he knows he has no cop friends to protect him... so he hasn't been physically violent or threatening... but he is hurting a little girl emotionally and calling it "love"... I'd rather he threaten me again. At least I can call the police for that... or claim self defense.

For a long time, one of the things I loved about a certain long-term ex-boyfriend was that when my daughter's father gave me crap, the boyfriend would step in between us. He would step up to defend me. (In hindsight it seems like it was less for my protection and more for his ego... you know, can't let another man belittle me... that was his job... that's a whole different post) But I loved him for defending me.

How often I have longed for that part of the relationship again. What girl doesn't want to feel protected, defended, cared for... Who doesn't want to be held and told that everything is going to be okay?

But short of the physical person to wrap their arms around me... I know that I already have that... I just have to trust that God will be my defender.

I am praying this Psalm right now... unable to sleep... needing to get this all out...

59 God, save me from my enemies.
    Protect me from those who come against me.
² Save me from those who do evil
    and from murderers.

³ Look, they are waiting to ambush me.
    Cruel people attack me,
    but I have not sinned or done wrong, Lord.
⁴ I have done nothing wrong, but they are ready to attack me.
    Wake up to help me, and look.
⁵ You are the Lord God All-Powerful, the God of Israel.
    Arise and punish those people.
    Do not give those traitors any mercy. Selah

⁶ They come back at night.
    Like dogs they growl and roam around the city.
⁷ Notice what comes from their mouths.
    Insults come from their lips,
    because they say, “Who’s listening?”
⁸ But, Lord, you laugh at them;
    you make fun of all of them.

⁹ God, my strength, I am looking to you,
    because God is my defender.
¹⁰ My God loves me, and he goes in front of me.
    He will help me defeat my enemies.
¹¹ Lord, our protector, do not kill them, or my people will forget.
    With your power scatter them and defeat them.
¹² They sin by what they say;
    they sin with their words.
They curse and tell lies,
    so let their pride trap them.
¹³ Destroy them in your anger;
    destroy them completely!
Then they will know
    that God rules over Israel
    and to the ends of the earth. Selah

¹⁴ They come back at night.
    Like dogs they growl
    and roam around the city.
¹⁵ They wander about looking for food,
    and they howl if they do not find enough.
¹⁶ But I will sing about your strength.
    In the morning I will sing about your love.
You are my defender,
    my place of safety in times of trouble.
¹⁷ God, my strength, I will sing praises to you.
    God, my defender, you are the God who loves me.

To Walk Away or Not to Walk Away...

As I walk this journey towards being the person I was meant to be, I am continually being tested. People who I should have cut loose long ago are coming back to try to take a piece of me again.When this happens, I have been amazed that I have had the strength to do it... to tell them they can't have whatever it is they are looking for and to tell them to move on.

It has definitely been more subtle than that with many of them... but a couple have been told straight up... "I'm done."

I am starting to get to the people who have been close to me for longer though. People who I share a connection of some sort with. People who I do truly love in one way or another... and I'm starting to hesitate.

Maybe there are some that I am not supposed to cut off...

Last weekend a friend and I ended up in a texting fight... he did something that didn't really even have an affect on me. He did something that hurt his mother's feelings. She did what I usually do... "Ah, that's just how he is..." and then shrugged it off.

I couldn't.

I told him that I have seen him be a better person than he is being right now and seeing the person he is being right now makes me sad.
I told him that I am tired of dealing with a "friend" who I would do anything for... who can't return the sentiment because he's too busy... his favorite excuse is "I'm doing me right now."

He sent a sarcastic apology about being a shitty person and having one-sided friendship.

I told him, "You aren't a shitty person. You have a shitty attitude. And because I love you, I have to call you on your shit without being scared that you will be mad at me or stop being my friend... and if you do either of those things, it isn't because I didn't care..."

I know that if he never speaks to me again, at least he knows that I care and that I am still praying for him... I won't ever stop praying for him.


I have another friend, a very close female friend, who assaults my sensibilities constantly with her anti-christian, anti-god, anti-good comments and Internet posts. Yet I know that walking away would be the wrong thing. It would be one more piece of "proof" to her the Jesus cultivates hatred in people. So I will continue to pray for her as well.

No real final thought on this one... just making myself recognize the difference between the good and bad relationships in my life.

Holding on to boundaries and character

I saw this on Facebook today and I just love it... It perfectly describes where I am right now.

DREAMS and TESTS
Dream of what you might accomplish for God. Expect that He will test your character and resolve.
"Until the time came to fulfill his dreams, the Lord tested Joseph's character." -Psalm 105:19

Today an ex tried to friend me on Facebook.

I nicely told him, "No."

He called me "bitter."

I told him this... "Not bitter at all. Just moved on....Honestly... I don't want to look at my future husband and say... 'Oh that facebook friend? Yeah... he's seen me naked too...' I'm getting much better at boundaries. .. we don't need to interact every day on FB to prove we aren't bitter."


Why am I blogging this? It's not really a big deal, right? I mean, he did some awful things to us... not the least of which was orchestrating a scenario where I walked in on him with another woman (while I had been making dinner for the rest of the family upstairs)... So who would EVER add someone like that as a friend? Who would give them an opening where they could try to wiggle back in to my life?

The old me. The one who was more concerned about hurting other people's feelings than standing up for herself. Thank the Lord she is gone...

I've been failing that character test for too long. Not because I don't have a good character, but because I haven't been using it correctly. I wrote this today because this is what happened today, but since something started changing in my heart several months ago, a few other exes have attempted to come back into my life.

When this all started, I was still feeling the empty loneliness that I used as the excuse to make bad decisions in the past. I was praying that God please not let any exes hit on me because I wasn't sure that I was strong enough...

It turns out that I am.