God is my Defender

Okay, I'll admit it... I'm scared.

I met with my lawyer this week as we are just 3 weeks away from a full day of court proceedings to determine who will have custody of my youngest daughter. My lawyer says her dad has no chance... but from the barrage of emails and texts I am receiving... making demands and threats... his lawyer is telling him the same thing.

The scared part of me wants to give in to his demands. Bend over backwards even more... so that he will just stop being so mean. But I know better... he is never happy... nothing is ever enough.

My lawyer says I am a saint... Twice when he was broke I gave him a job. When he was in the hospital, I ran errands for him and took our daughter up to see him twice! All while he was posting nasty things about me on Facebook... on the laptop that I picked up for him from his apartment.

Now that we are out of Galesburg, he knows he has no cop friends to protect him... so he hasn't been physically violent or threatening... but he is hurting a little girl emotionally and calling it "love"... I'd rather he threaten me again. At least I can call the police for that... or claim self defense.

For a long time, one of the things I loved about a certain long-term ex-boyfriend was that when my daughter's father gave me crap, the boyfriend would step in between us. He would step up to defend me. (In hindsight it seems like it was less for my protection and more for his ego... you know, can't let another man belittle me... that was his job... that's a whole different post) But I loved him for defending me.

How often I have longed for that part of the relationship again. What girl doesn't want to feel protected, defended, cared for... Who doesn't want to be held and told that everything is going to be okay?

But short of the physical person to wrap their arms around me... I know that I already have that... I just have to trust that God will be my defender.

I am praying this Psalm right now... unable to sleep... needing to get this all out...

59 God, save me from my enemies.
    Protect me from those who come against me.
² Save me from those who do evil
    and from murderers.

³ Look, they are waiting to ambush me.
    Cruel people attack me,
    but I have not sinned or done wrong, Lord.
⁴ I have done nothing wrong, but they are ready to attack me.
    Wake up to help me, and look.
⁵ You are the Lord God All-Powerful, the God of Israel.
    Arise and punish those people.
    Do not give those traitors any mercy. Selah

⁶ They come back at night.
    Like dogs they growl and roam around the city.
⁷ Notice what comes from their mouths.
    Insults come from their lips,
    because they say, “Who’s listening?”
⁸ But, Lord, you laugh at them;
    you make fun of all of them.

⁹ God, my strength, I am looking to you,
    because God is my defender.
¹⁰ My God loves me, and he goes in front of me.
    He will help me defeat my enemies.
¹¹ Lord, our protector, do not kill them, or my people will forget.
    With your power scatter them and defeat them.
¹² They sin by what they say;
    they sin with their words.
They curse and tell lies,
    so let their pride trap them.
¹³ Destroy them in your anger;
    destroy them completely!
Then they will know
    that God rules over Israel
    and to the ends of the earth. Selah

¹⁴ They come back at night.
    Like dogs they growl
    and roam around the city.
¹⁵ They wander about looking for food,
    and they howl if they do not find enough.
¹⁶ But I will sing about your strength.
    In the morning I will sing about your love.
You are my defender,
    my place of safety in times of trouble.
¹⁷ God, my strength, I will sing praises to you.
    God, my defender, you are the God who loves me.