Not a command, a promise

She stood in one place staring at the ground, 

wishing her glare alone would be enough 

to make a hole open up and swallow her. 

At that moment, she knew death was certain anyway. 

It wasn't death she was trying to avoid. 

It was the public humiliation.

The men holding her called out for the religious teacher

as if they actually cared about what she had done or his opinion.

"Teacher, this woman has been caught..."

She knew she was being made a example of

for some other purpose. It didn't matter.

"in the act of adultery."

Too humiliated to even cry,

She could feel her soul crumbling within her.

"The Law of Moses commanded us to stone such women..." 

Such women, the words sunk in. 

They might as well have called her garbage.

Even if they had let her live, she would be an outcast,
considered good for only one thing.

She was broken, and ready to die.

"So what do you say?" 

She waited an eternity for his answer.

At one point, she raised her gaze just a bit

half expecting to see a stone hurtling towards her.

Instead, she saw the teacher bent towards the ground,

writing in the dirt with his fingers

as they continued to badger him for an answer.

When he finally spoke, his voice rocked her to her core.

"Let him who is without sin among you 

be the first to throw a stone at her." 

and at that moment, she felt the faintest strain of hope.

The teacher continued to write in the dirt

as confusion swirled within her. 

What was he saying? It made no sense. 

She knew she had done wrong,

she knew the punishment that was coming.

she knew she deserved it.

But the men holding her there, began letting go.

They started walking away... one at a time.

She was still watching him write in the dirt

when he suddenly looked up and caught her gaze.

Without breaking eye contact, he stood up.

"Woman, where are they?
Has no one condemned you?" 

"No one, Lord." 

And Jesus said, 

          "Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more." 

~John 8:3-11 

Those last five words always stuck in my throat.

"Go and sin no more."

Many hear those words as a commandment. Sure you are forgiven, but God still expects you to work hard to keep up your end of the bargain, right?

That's what I believed.

I had heard it preached so many times... and I just knew I couldn't do it. So I didn't. Every time I did something I knew was wrong, the guilt/shame spiral that followed led me right back to the thing that I knew was hurting me. But I also knew I deserved it. I was shackling myself to those hurtful things, letting them define me and who I was.

The day that Jesus broke those chains for me by showing me how much He loved me, without any conditions or caveats on my behavior, was the best day of my life. That's why I identify with this story. I was never an adulteress by conventional standards, but lust, envy, pride, and more definitely had a hold on me... and I was never truly free until I found out that He didn't condemn me for those things. 

I believe the woman above felt the words the same way Jesus meant them for all of us on that day. "I don't condemn you for being human. I don't look down on you for not being perfect. I am not mad at you for what you've done. I love you. And because of that, I know you can do better."

And hearing those words, she straightened her shoulders and started the walk towards home. Not as a woman full of shame who would be doomed to repeat her mistakes because she called herself by the title those men had given her, but as someone who had a newfound freedom, knowing that nobody condemned her.

You see, "Go and sin no more" is too often taught as a command from God for excellence, when it's really meant as a statement of our freedom in Christ. When we know who we are, and what He thinks of us, it gives us the power and motivation to overcome those labels we used to put on ourselves, the ones that became chains that bound us.

Abusers, addicts, and adulterers alike can find freedom when they understand that Jesus doesn't condemn them for their struggle. I know I did. And it's not, as some people claim, the freedom to continue to sin as much as we want. It's the freedom to walk away from those things, knowing we are no longer defined by them. And, if we falter along the way, the freedom to get back up, dust ourselves off, and walk with our head still held high... because none of it changes who we are in Christ or what God sees when He looks at us.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.

~Romans 8:1

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

~John 8:36

Wanna cuddle?

(This week...)

Wanna cuddle?

I looked at the words on the instant messenger and sent back a reply,

I don't even know you.

So? I think you are beautiful.
I want to make love to you.

We had been talking for a few days after meeting in a Christian Facebook group online. I had made sure after an earlier comment that he was clear about my values and beliefs, and we had a few great conversations. At this point, if he had asked me out, I would have said yes.
Now, I'm just annoyed.

I'm not interested in someone
who is only interested in sex.

 I'm not. But we can start there.
I really think you are beautiful.

Beautiful. My mind immediately went backwards...

(A few years ago...)

Crying, replaying A's words in my head,
I followed him to my bedroom.
He was right. I was lucky to even
have him pay any attention to me.

At one point, I interrupted his rant.
Sniffling, I asked him,  
But do you think I'm pretty?

His answer doesn't matter.
My heart hurts knowing how
worthless I felt to allow myself
to be treated that way by anyone.

Some days, when I'm feeling particularly single and alone, and I consider the ways I could feel less so (even though I don't follow through) I wonder if I'm really that different now. Satan is good at trying to convince me that I am the same girl today that I was, that maybe people don't see it because I just have better acting skills.

 
(Back to this week)

Again I replied, probably too politely.

You don't even know me and
I told you I'm waiting for marriage. 

But I want... (I'm not putting what he said here.) 

I give up.

On? 

Convincing you that you are being disrespectful.

He sent a sad face and I ended the conversation.
Later that night, I got another message from him, calling me his lover.

Ummm, No.

Meanie.

Boundaries. You need to be reminded I have them. 

I'm going to cross all of them and hope you still like me.  

You don't think that's disrespectful?

He didn't answer until the next morning, at which point I let him know that I wasn't interested in pursuing anything with him. End of story.

I've had a little time to think about the whole scenario, and have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself. It's not just an act. I really mean it. Several times over the course of the last few days he had called me beautiful. He had said some other really sweet things as well. All things I would have done anything to hear in the past.

The words, "Wanna cuddle?" in the past would have made my heart skip a beat... no matter who the asker was. Not anymore.

Do I someday want a man to think I'm beautiful? Of course. But if my ultimate goal in a relationship is to be loved, honored, and cherished... I know that I can't let my head be turned by someone who doesn't even know me telling me I'm pretty.

It feels good to be able see the changes God is making in my heart, a little at a time... and to know for sure that no acting skills are involved. I value myself too much to let anyone treat me that way anymore... because I know that is how much He values me.

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, 

and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don’t recognize 

that we are God’s children because they don’t know him.

1 John 3:1

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for good

and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

Psalm 130:13-14

Relationships and respect

Recently I spoke at a conference for single moms. One of the mini-sessions was on "New Relationships." Here is what I shared with the single moms that day on this topic.

"Twenty years ago, my driver's ed teacher gave me the best relationship advice I've ever received. I often wish that I had listened to him sooner. “Ladies,” he said, “If a man does not have enough respect for you to drive safely when you are in the vehicle with him, he is not worth your time.”

He wasn't talking about someone who just truly is not a great driver. Nor was he talking about the man that gets that sparkle in his eye after a snowstorm and asks if you want to go to the nearest parking lot to do donuts. He was talking about the guy who is more worried about getting past that driver who cut him off than the fact that your knuckles are white as you grip the OS handle above the door, or one who thinks it is fun to speed, race, and whip around corners to scare you with his driving.

He was talking about respect.

I think we will all agree that in the search for the man God has for us, we know to rule out a few traits and behaviors. [Current] Alcoholics, addicts, abusers, liars... (those not yet recovering) these are men we want to avoid. We all know that. These are not the men I'm talking about 

Today I'm talking to you about the nice guy you've been dating or are thinking of dating. You have good moments, but sometimes you wonder if something isn't a little bit off. You catch yourself justifying things to keep the relationship together.

As single moms, loneliness is often a part of our daily lives. We love our kids, that's not a question. But, we long for the support that comes from having a significant other. What we don't realize is that keeping someone in our lives who doesn't respect us not only hurts us, but it sends the wrong messages to our children.

When you are in a situation where you are wondering where the relationship might be going, think about the word 'respect'. Is he showing you, and those around you that he respect you? There are a hundred ways someone can show a lack of respect. However, I have five questions for you that can help you get a better handle on that question.

Does he take you out ?

And I don't mean, “Do you make all the plans, go pick him up, and pay for everything?” I mean, does he plan dates, ever? Does he pay at least half the time? Does he pick you up? Does he ever offer to pay for a sitter so that you can go out?

Sitting at home on the couch and watching a movie is nice, but it is NOT a date. 

Coming over to do his laundry while you cook him dinner is NOT a date. 

Sleeping over is NOT a date.

Sex is NOT a date.

Does he keep his word?

Being a single mother means we have suffered through a lot of disappointment in our lives. It dampens our ability to trust others and what they say, especially men. If you are in a serious relationship, and you are not beginning to believe him when he says something, there is a problem. 

1. Either you have serious trust issues that are going to make it hard to keep any healthy relationship. Or 
2. He keeps his word so infrequently that you are unable to build any trust in him.

You deserve a man who keeps his word.

Does he make time for you?
How often does he text you randomly? Is he always busy? Does he 'forget' to call? 

Even if the rare times you do get together are great, you need someone who cares enough to make time for you. He does not need to be at your beck and call, all day every day.  

Is he proud of the relationship?

You should be dating a man whose friends and family know you exist. How do they know? You have met them.

If you spend the whole evening with a man on Saturday and on Sunday morning he will not sit with you in church. It doesn't matter what he says about “gossip” or “taking things slow” … cut him loose.

Someone who truly cares doesn't get mad when you occasionally tag him on Facebook. He is willing to change his FB relationship status. He does not have to be okay with your whole relationship playing out on social media.  However, if he is hiding you or hiding the relationship, then it is time to move on.

Do you have to make excuses for him?

As you were reading these questions, the man that you care about now, or someone from your past likely popped into your mind.

For some of you, when that guy popped into your mind, you were likely thinking about his but. Not B-U-T-T … BUT. He would make more time for me BUT our kid-free weekends are opposite each other's. I do always pay for dates, BUT he doesn't have a job right now. I'm not allowed to interact with him on Facebook BUT it's just because he's not ready for people to know about us yet.

If you are thinking about his BUT he is either not in the place for a relationship right now, or he is not the right guy for you. Nobody is perfect, but excuse after excuse is not going to get you where you want to be, or where God wants you to be.

Some men will get a “No” in some of these categories because they are jerks. They don't respect you. They don't put your needs first. They want what they want. Love is the opposite of self. Someone who always puts himself first does not mean it when he says that he loves you. He may not even know what that word means.

Others will get a “No” to some of these categories even though they are not jerks. A man can be a really good person and still not be the right one for you, for whatever reason. As hard as it is to let go of them in terms of romantic relationships, you need to know that God adores you and he doesn't want you in a relationship with a man who doesn't feel the same way.

I talk about sex a lot because we have to deal with it a lot. Those of us who choose to abstain until we are married are up against a great struggle, both internally and externally.

God makes it clear in His Word that sex outside of marriage is a sin. But I am going to tell you something you won't hear often enough. I want you to know that if you choose not to abstain, or if you fall into temptation, God still loves you. God isn't angry with you. God can be disappointed with your choices, but you aren't going to Hell for having sex. 

Are you living your best life? No. 

Are you experiencing the relationship God intended for you? Nope.

But God still loves you. 

If you slip up and end up having sex, you can not let yourself be pulled into a downward spiral of guilt and shame and let that pull you away from your relationship with Him."

It's not an excuse to do whatever you want, it is a reminder that the God who created you wants you to get up and try again... remind yourself: God wants MORE for you than this. He ADORES you and wants you to be with someone who does also.

 For the Lord your God is living among you.
    He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
    With his love, he will calm all your fears.
    He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

~Zephaniah 3:17

I said sex in church

I've written before about how I told God that if He wanted me to speak publicly, I would do it because I knew that I could, with His help. What I haven't written about was the time that He made it clear to me that I was going to be talking about some difficult topics and I said, "Okay, but not about sex. I don't want to stand up in front of people and talk about sex."

If you ever feel the need to tell God what you don't want to do for Him, 

be prepared to hear Him laugh at some point, 

when He sets you up to do precisely that thing. 

 
Today's Christian church has a huge lack of understanding and support when it comes to single parents, especially single mothers.

In twelve years of attending various single-event single mom ministries, I have heard two messages, if any message is shared at all. Either we are given the salvation message or a message about how we should focus on our children and lean on Jesus. In other words, "don't even think about dating or marriage. Jesus is your husband now."

And who would deliver these messages? It was either pastor of the church or a happily married woman. While we always appreciate those who give their time, it is honestly difficult to accept encouragement from someone who hasn't walked in our shoes.

As my friend Tina and I prepared to speak at the conference from this weekend, we knew we needed to present topics that women like us needed to hear about. This is what we came up with:

Living Victoriously
     The stereotype isn't accurate (You are normal.)
     Our weaknesses are our strengths
     Enjoy your children while you can.
Know Your Worth
     God wants more for you than you want for yourself.
     God will meet you where you are, but He doesn't want you to stay there.
Battle Strategies
     Save yourself first (Take care of yourself.)
     Keep your focus on God
     Be vulnerable
     Be prepared for the comments. (This was fun. lol)
New Relationships
     Desperately want to remarry or the thought makes you want to hurl, which perspective is healthier?
     Forget all the advice you have heard before.
     How to know if you are being respected once you are in a relationship.

We are both so excited about the feedback we received from our sessions. We were able to speak freely, from our hearts, about what God has shown us over the years. Because of that, we had to talk about some things that don't often get talked about in church. 

Tina and I both brought up sex a few times during these sessions. Much to Tina's surprise, we did not get struck by lightning. Much to my surprise, we didn't get kicked out before it was over. 

It wasn't until afterwards that I remembered I had told God I didn't want to speak about sex publicly.

When I shared about my past over lunch, I danced around the topic a bit. I talked about how my distrust of men grew because they "only wanted one thing" and "would get it and not call" (and how I didn't take any responsibility for my bad choices at the time.)

I also alluded to the times God rescued me from the brink of REALLY stupid and dangerous decisions... but I didn't ever say the word... sex.

When I did say it later, I didn't give a whole lot of time to it. I didn't dwell on it. But I did tell the single moms in that room some things that I've needed to hear in the past.

When talking about being respected and not settling for less than what God wants for us in new relationships:

"Sitting at home on the couch and watching a movie is nice, but it is NOT a date. 

Coming over to do his laundry while you cook him dinner is NOT a date. 

Sleeping over is NOT a date. (Even if it's just sleeping.)

Sex is NOT a date."

Then, I later told them this,

"We have to talk about sex a lot because we have to deal with it a lot. Those of us who choose to abstain until we are married are up against a great struggle, both internally and externally.

God makes it clear in His Word that sex outside of marriage is a sin. But I am going to tell you something you won't hear often enough. I want you to know that if you choose not to abstain, or if you fall into temptation, God still loves you. God isn't angry with you. 
God may be disappointed with your choices, but you aren't going to Hell for having sex. 
Are you living your best life? No. 
Are you experiencing the relationship God intended for you? Nope.
But God still loves you. 

If you slip up and end up having sex, you can not let yourself be pulled into a downward spiral of guilt and shame and let that pull you away from your relationship with Him."

For a woman who could barely speak in public at all a couple of years ago... saying that from the pulpit is a huge step.  I have a feeling this is the first of many times this subject will come up. There are a lot of things about sex that need to be talked about among single moms. And frankly, I don't think God is going to let me get away that easily.

I am sure this is not the last time that Tina and I will address a group of single mothers, encouraging them to live their best lives, the ones God wants for them. I am looking forward to letting Him use us to help them find their way.  

 
Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
~Ephesians 4:15-16  

Loneliness

I've fought posting this for awhile because I don't want this to come across as a "poor me" post. I am realizing though, that I can't be the only one struggling with similar things. I don't have an answer yet, but maybe part of the reason I'm still struggling is that I haven't written about it... God works like that with me sometimes.

Loneliness has plagued me
for several months now.
No longer able to "fix" the feeling
with my old stand-by salves of
drunkenness and/or sex,
I'm often at a loss.
Even if those were something
God would be okay with (He's not)
they don't fill the needs I have anymore.

It is of little comfort to know
that I'm not the only one.
It is of little comfort to know
that King David was lonely too. (Psalms 25:25-16)

God gave me a huge revelation recently
about my struggle for self-worth.
And while loneliness no longer represents
my lack of worth to me, it is still... lonely.
I don't fit in anywhere at my church.
I have lots of church friends,
but somehow I've lost my church family.
I'm doing church with people,
but not doing life with them.

A few friends have moved on,
my small group disbanded,
I let go of a few of those who
were not healthy for me to keep,
and I'm struggling to get past
the surface with new friends.

Lately everything feels like salt
being rubbed into an open wound.
People gather after every service
making plans to go here or there.
Whether I have my kids or not,
I usually end up going home.
The offer to help someone move
turned down, they "had enough help."
Several people I have tried to connect with
got together and formed a group
I'm not invited to... it's not their fault,
I don't "fit" in that group, and that's okay.
But it doesn't make me feel better
about where I am right now.

God has shown me during this time
how the old me would have settled
for a certain kind of attention from a few,
attention that I can still get if I want.
But that kind of attention, from men who
can't be bothered to have a real conversation
with me beyond a few flirty texts here and there,
has become increasingly unsettling.

I know the devil is using this to try to get a hold on me.
A few nights ago, it hit me really hard.
I opened my Bible and my eyes fell
on a verse in Ecclesiastes, "The dead
are better off than the living."
Really, God? Not the boost I needed.
Then I found another verse about
two people being better than one. Hmm, also not helpful.
After that I gave up, asleep by 9 that night.

I know God can use anything for good,
and He must already have a plan
for this time that I am in right now,
but I hope it ends soon, because it sucks.

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
    His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
    therefore, I will hope in him!”

~Lamentations 3:22-24

And we know that God causes everything 

to work together for the good of those who love God 

and are called according to his purpose for them.

~Romans 8:28

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, 

but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, 

against mighty powers in this dark world, and against 

evil spirits in the heavenly places.
~Ephesians 6:12

Just a symptom

I recently started (and ended) a relationship with someone new. It didn't last long, and it is not the cause of the spiral written about awhile back, just a symptom.

I liked him. A lot. Our meeting seemed Divinely inspired and we quickly became good friends. It didn't take long for things to turn somewhat serious, for me at least. The problem was, we couldn't fully walk with God and each other at the same time. We tried, but we encouraged the worst habits in each other. We also tried asking God to show us if we should be dating or not, but we didn't really wait for His answer and we forged ahead anyway.

I ignored red flags and warning signs that it wasn't right. I'm sure he did too.

Over the last few days, as God and I have worked on some things, I knew I would have to put an end to anything beyond friendship, even though nothing official had ever been proposed. We needed a new, clear, boundary. Honestly, I don't think it phased him... which is why I say it turned serious "for me at least." And while that stung a bit, I'm proud of myself for having enough self respect to step back and mean it.

I'll admit I hesitated. I asked God, "What if he is upset when I tell him?"
That's when I heard clearly, "He is not going to fight for you."

Ouch. Not a surprise though.
Someone will. Someday.
He is not that someone.
Today is not that day.

Don't get me wrong. He's not a bad guy, just not the right one.
God has a man who is a better match for me out there.

Someone with good communication skills and clear boundaries.

Lord knows we won't last a month without them...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
~Jeremiah 29:11

Stop

This guy I knew a long time ago emailed me earlier this week.
I told him I knew he was only after
one thing and he was not going

to be getting it from me... 

     that I'm a different girl now... 

          and I sent him on his way.

Then you basically tell me you want the same things from me... 

     except you live so far away now.

You talk about coming back for me... but admit it would be next year, if at all.
Careful to tell me not to wait, you still throw it out there as a 'what if.'

I tell myself what you want is different 

     than what the other guy wanted, 

        Why? Because I love you... but really it's not fair. 

You had so many opportunities to love me, and you didn't take them. 

Don't tell me how much you regret it now that you are gone.

Don't talk about what 'maybe' could have happened if.

Don't talk about what 'maybe' could happen in the future.

I deserve someone who wants all of me... forever.

I deserve someone who knows how to love me back.

Not just someone who wants to send me sweet text messages
that mean nothing when applied to real daily life.

And I want to tell you to stop. 

But I don't want you to stop. 

Because sometimes a text message 

that makes me feel wanted

feels better than loneliness.

Which makes me wonder if

maybe I'm not a different girl after all.

I know I talk too much. 

You don't want to know any of this. 

You just want me to tell you to stop or don't,

because you said you'd stop if I told you to.

Don't. 

Stop. 

Don't stop.

And I can't help but wonder if this is a test.

Maybe this is the time I'm supposed to make the right choice

and God will decide I'm ready for something else...
or maybe I'm fooling myself with this as well...

     or setting myself up for defeat... 

          because I will never make the right choice every time.

One right choice followed by another followed by maybe even one more... eventually followed by a lot of stupidity... and then I have to start all over again. And anyone who read my last blog post is saying, "This doesn't sound like the girl who was practicing thankfulness and praying over her list."

Three steps forward 

and 2.5 steps back.
Welcome to my life.

Another vote for celibacy

He often told her he
loved her, missed her,
found her irresistible...

She had moved on,
was seeing someone else.
He wouldn't stop flirting,
stopping by, making her laugh.

To be honest, she hadn't
discouraged him enough.
"Stop" only worked temporarily.
Ignoring him only encouraged him.

Until the day he overheard her tell a friend she was very late.
Looking back, she says, pregnancy was not logically even possible
But they weren't completely innocent and there was enough doubt to scare him.

Instead of "I meant it when I said I love you. It's not ideal, but we'll get through it together."
She heard "If you are, I'll take care of my responsibility" then "I wish I could wake up and this was all a dream" then later "I feel like I want to die."

He had often told her he
loved her, missed her,
found her irresistible...

Until he realized it might be forever.


I have permission to write about this
but it doesn't really matter who they are.
This could be anybody's story.
The good news for them
is that it was a false alarm.
They are both free of each other.

Not everyone is so lucky...

Celibacy is looking better and better to me...

Still the same

Far from perfect, yet
I still thought I did
everything mostly right.
So it didn't make sense
that it was really over.

When I realized it was,
all I wanted to do was
send a giant F You upwards
to the One who knew
I'd get hurt,
     and didn't care
          enough to stop it.

It was hard work deciding
to do things differently.
It was hard believing that
I could change and was
a new creation. But I did.

"Doesn't it seem like
you are following
the same old patterns
with this relationship
as you did before?" he said.

"No. This is different.
You are different than
those guys. Our relationship
is not the same as the ones
I had before." I said.

"We're not getting back together.
Nothing that happens now
is going to change anything.
You understand that, right?"

"Yes," I lied, and pulled him to me.

Learning to be respected

While my decision for celibacy
before marriage was made clear
from the very beginning,
actually sticking to those beliefs
has been more confusing
than I ever thought possible.
As he deliberately takes steps
to ensure that I not find myself
in compromising situations,
the neediness and selfishness
of the old me flare up.
I want to be desired, who doesn't?
So when he draws a line, a boundary,
I immediately feel hurt, and scared.
Why wouldn't he want this?
I know why, my mind says...
I am not __________ enough.
Fill it in. There are plenty of adjectives
that will work in that space.

I let him spend the night, one night.
Just sleeping. That's all.
I've written before
     about stupid things I've done
          to have an arm around me while I slept
So yesterday, in a display of respect,
when he told me it couldn't happen again
I was hurt, and angry, and confused.
Frustrated text messages flew
as we tried to figure out
what the other was really thinking.
     All I felt was rejection.
     All I felt was being pushed away.
     All I felt was loss of control of the situation.
I finally got him to concede,
to say he would stay again,
to tell me everything was fine...
I felt awful.
I could feel something stirring inside
telling me that I was wrong.
As I sat with that feeling
it suddenly occurred to me
that what I was seeing
might not be rejection at all.
This might be the most respectful thing
any man has ever done for me.
I've mentioned before how no man
has ever been willing to wait for me
for more than two weeks...
Here we are now, a month in
and he is standing his ground,
setting boundaries to protect me.
I didn't take it well,
but I'm working on it.
We talked more, came to the conclusion
that he was right, and I was not.
I don't know if he understands
why this is hard for me, but he will.
I don't know if he understands
how much I treasure his respect
now that I see it as such, but he will.

I'll be honest,
because that's what you do
in a blog about accountability... right?

I still want him to stay.

But what girl in her right mind could look at a man
who is trying to do what is best for both of them
and say, "Please respect me a little less."
How disrespectful of HIM would that be of me?

When you've never been respected before, learning to accept it is difficult. But when you finally see it for what it is, you will find that the ways it changes you, your feelings, and the relationship are worth the struggle it takes to understand.

~~~~~
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you. 

Matthew 7:12 

Apples

The apple hanging in that tree
in the middle of The Garden was
the perfect shade of the perfect color.
Just a look at it and she knew
it was going to be delicious.
The biggest, unblemished,
juiciest apple,
to ever ruin a life... 
she ignored that last line.

She was warned.
We have been too.

You know you aren't
supposed to eat the apple.
You know you shouldn't
even think about it.
You know you shouldn't
reach out towards it.
You know you shouldn't
see how close you can stand to it
without actually breaking the rules.

But we still do. Why?
 
Because it is just so perfect,
exactly what we think we want.

Perfect is subjective, isn't it?

Everybody's perfect apple
is a different shade, texture, flavor.
Hung in the spot on the tree that
puts it directly in their eye line.
We don't stop to wonder
how exactly it got there,
to just that spot where
we don't have to reach too high
or why the lights hit it just so
to give it that enticing shine.

The enemy knows
whether you like Red Delicious
or Granny Smith or Fuji apples.
He knows you've been told
to stay away from them
but enjoys reminding you
how much you used to love your apples. 

Drugs, alcohol, sex, porn,
rage, food, greed, lies, laziness
all dangling apples
all right within reach.
They seem to be the perfect shade
of the perfect color, of the best kind.
Just a look at it and you know
it is going to be delicious.

The biggest, unblemished,
juiciest apples,
to ever ruin a life...
Don't ignore that last line.

Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
Matthew 26:41

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:2-4

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

Failure

I wonder sometimes
if it wouldn't be easier
to just fail.

God is going to love me
the same
whether I walk the right path
or not...
why keep fighting so hard?

Business, parenting, love... all of it.
Go with the flow.
Don't bother with being responsible.
My life would be easier
if I could just give in,
if I could just give up.

Wouldn't it?

I want to say yes,
but I tried that before too.
On my own.
When everything I did was okay
and the consequences didn't matter...

It sounds easier, but in reality,
nothing was easier.
Everything was messier.
Nothing worked out right.
Ever.

But success? Success is hard!
It often seems so much harder
when I look at the work it takes
to make that happen.

The difference is that God promises this path,
the one He wants me to be on,
the one where I reach for success,
will eventually turn out okay.


Pulling these up to read to myself over and over, remembering that prosperity, profit and poverty can mean money, but also mean so much more when looking at the depth of one's life.

His favor rests on me and establishes the work of my hands. Psalms 90:17



 

And I will eat the fruit of my labor; blessings and prosperity will be mine. Psalms 128:2

 

All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty. Proverbs 14:23

 

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

I Corinthians 15:58

Working to remember these verses and focus on the promises You have given me, Lord. So that I can remember what I am supposed to be doing here instead of how hard it is and how the walk is affecting me.

Maintaining a thankful heart today...
Thankful that I am not battling in vain.
Thankful that You always keep Your promises.
Thankful that You walk with me, whether I feel You or not.

Thankful that You understand wanting to give up, wanting the cup to be taken from you, and knowing that the Father's plan was better than the one you were wishing for at that moment.
Failure isn't an option.

Giving up Days

I can tell you
about storylines
that took place when I was 5.
I have been watching this show
for my entire life...
I remember seeing the same couples
get together and break up
and marry other people
only to get together again.
I've seen men rape women
who turned around
and fell in love with them.
I've seen women drug and rape men.
I've seen "accidental" cheating,
serial cheating,
emotional cheating,
every depth of cheating
one could imagine.
And every time,
as long as that storyline
ended in something that
looked like love,
the rest was brushed aside.
Nobody cared about the rape
or the cheating
or the lying
or the string of relationships
he or she has had since the last time
that couple was together...
And nobody cares that
little girls
teenagers
young women
are watching and learning
from this daytime madness.

Growing up, I wanted to be just like them... not because they were rich, not because they were having great sex, not because they were model-thin... but because they were loved by a guy who was perfect for them (you know, until he cheated or she did... but that was besides the point!).

And all the things they HAD to do to get to that happy, loving relationship... that was just normal, right? It's crazy how the length of time a woman on a soap opera stays single after the death of her husband or after a divorce or break-up... can be counted in days. Lie, cheat, steal and have sex with anyone who paid attention to you... that's how it goes in the glamorous lives of daytime TV.

I have quit watching Days of Our Lives before for one reason or another, and I was always sad. I would use the net to try to catch up, or I would have a moment and find out what was happening with the families I had grown up with...  It was like I missed some friends and wanted to know what they were up to.

But lately the sex was too much. The cheating and backstabbing were tiring. The lies were irritating. I wanted to tell every woman on there... "Hey idiot.. that isn't love." I just couldn't watch it anymore.

I daydream a lot... and it is funny that, when thinking about how one thing or another could work out, I have to stop now and think, "Is that really how God would do it or is this a soap opera story line?" I don't know everything, but the answer to that one is usually pretty simple... and it often changes the way I react to a situation as well. Although, I DO know His sense of humor enough to know that I am bound to see some good "soap-worthy" stories from time to time. :-)

The point of all of this?
I quit watching Days of Our Lives again a couple of weeks ago... for good. And I don't miss it.

I hope its negative presence in my life continues to make a positive impact.

Defining moments

Remember when I wrote about how important a definition can be?

Here are a couple of other words I needed to pick apart and define.

Prostitution
in simple terms
is trading sex for money.
I wrote before how
God protected me
from that.
But really,
When I think of all the times
I traded sex
for a few smiles
for a few laughs
for a few hugs,
or just to feel attractive,
desired for a few moments...
or, so many times,
for an arm around me while I slept,
I realize that I was still a prostitute... I just had a flexible payment plan.

I almost did it again this weekend.
Sent a text to a guy
who I knew would lie to me
and say that he missed me
and tell me I am beautiful
even though I hadn't heard from him in months
just because I knew
he would stay the whole night
and snuggle up close.

It didn't work out. Thank God.

I was going to give up on a promise
that I really do take very seriously
just so I didn't have to sleep
alone.

While I don't want to dwell on mistakes that I almost made, picking all of this apart tells me something very important.

I am not a sex addict.
Sex addicts are addicted
to sex, porn, the chase, the act.
Not to being touched
and held
and cuddled
and feeling special
even if it's just for a moment.
Sex addicts separate their feelings
from their actions.
I never did.
Not one time.
Even when I purposely tried.
I couldn't stop feeling.
But they could...
and did.
So I moved on to the next
lying smile...
you wouldn't believe the lies I've heard
and accepted when I knew better.
because I didn't care
that he was lying
as long as he was lying next to me...
I could always convince myself it was worth it... what did I have to lose?

Now I'm thinking, with clarity
not in my emotion
not in my pain
not in my intoxication
and I realize that
I was going to give up on a promise
that I really do take very seriously
just so I didn't have to sleep
alone.
And I know it wouldn't have been worth it...
I am determined to reclaim all that I didn't realize I had to lose in the first place.

Seeing God's Protection...

One thing that amazes me about the whole plan that He has for me... is that while God let me go through things and let me make mistakes and bad choices that will ultimately work for the good... He saw the times when I was just on the very edge of something truly life-altering and stopped it from happening.

I will probably write more on these someday, but right now, every day, I go through, "What if they knew..." and then eventually I tell someone some piece of the story and their reaction isn't nearly as bad as I expected... and I'm relieved.

I know that the person who did these things has been fading away for awhile. She tries to come back, but God is just too good to let that happen... and when she does He uses it to teach me a lesson. I am too determined to find my purpose in Him to let that happen anyway. So instead of adding these things to the story of my spiral downwards, I add them to the list of times where, in hindsight, I can clearly see God's protection... and often when I go into some of the details of the story... His call to come back to Him.

There is the time I was convinced to try cocaine... and saying that doesn't even begin to do the actual picture of what happened justice... I was in a seedy bar bathroom, snorting coke through a rolled up dollar bill. I did not care one bit about what could happen... just that this guy who told me he loved me wanted me to do this. He was just "a friend," not even a relationship... The drugs turned out to be fake.

One time I pulled out of a bar parking lot, way too intoxicated to drive the three blocks I needed to go... and was followed by a state cop for those three blocks... and he just kept going after I pulled into the driveway.

What about when I decided it wouldn't be such a bad idea to start selling myself? I figured I might as well get paid for what I was doing for free since it was all anyone wanted from me anyway. I already had some contacts and I was flat broke... Nobody except the contacts I had knew about any of this... but someone I barely knew just gave me money out of nowhere... $1000... for no reason except to help me... and with nothing expected in return.

Before I moved, a good friend confessed she had feelings for me and I just had to say no. I didn't want to say no... and I probably would have caved before long. I had secretly dated women before. But very soon after that, I met the guy who I moved away for... and she and I didn't have much contact for a long time... until God did some work on both of us.

There was a guy who wanted to take me to Vegas to check out the swingers clubs... and see whatever other kinds of trouble we could get into. His timing was bad... a week earlier I would have been able to make it work. But his vacation schedule was set.

Most of these things were more recent than I'd like to admit... but some stuff happened before I met J. I remember when I told him some of the things I did before I met him... and he cried because I wasn't the person he thought I was... and I felt awful. I hated myself for the things I couldn't change. Then, when he came back and said he wanted to be with me anyway, I thought I was lucky to have found someone so forgiving. It turns out, he was just saving it all up to throw back at me later...

That is part of my fear. I don't want people to use these things in the future to hurt me. Especially considering that these are the times I was protected... but I got into these situations because I was living a life that was so far from where I should have been.

I also know I can't continue to live in fear of who I was when WHO I AM is trying so hard to break free from all of it. I read today that you can't grow as a person if you live your life in fear of failure... that is the other part of my fear. I kept so much of my life a secret for a very long time... if I fail in some way... and people know who I used to be... it's going to be a lot harder to hide it.

Come to think of it, I'm not sure if that is good or bad...

Forgiving the Process...

So one of the things I was struggling with in all of everything, is why God let certain things happen. There were things that I didn't feel like I needed to go through to get to where I am today... but there are things that I went through that will eventually help others. So my question this weekend was this, "I know that God loves my soul more than he loves my earthly life... but does he love other peoples' souls more than MY earthly life?"

A friend of mine asked me, "Well is it all about you? Or is it all about Him?"

And he was right, if it is going to bring more people to Jesus then I can't say it isn't worth it in the end. Still it was a lot to think about.

Last night I finished Sheryl's book and towards the end she starts talking about all the hard stuff and the whys... some of the stuff that I have been thinking about. She even repeated some of the things that my friend had said in conversation. Which is funny, because if I had read and THEN he said it, I would have assumed I had inadvertently steered the conversation that direction... but to have him say things and THEN read them in the book... awesome.

So anyway, back to Sheryl... So then she said something that explained it all...  while she knew she didn't have to forgive God because he does all things well... she had to come to terms with forgiving the process... understanding that each thing had to happen for the whole plan to work... Forgiving the process and the people who were part of it.

While I've struggled with a lot of things, forgiveness isn't the biggest struggle for me. I love people. I am more likely to forgive too easily than to hold on to something for a long time. But I as I sat with that concept for a bit and reread it again... that section about forgiving the process and the people who were part of it... I was reminded of something. I was part of the process.

All the whys that I have been dealing with weren't REALLY about why God let me run into the person who steered me the wrong direction. They weren't REALLY about why this person did this or that that caused me to react the wrong way...

They were about me forgiving myself for making the mistakes in the first place.

Because while the decisions were stupid, while I am still struggling with some of the repercussions of them, and while I am still scarred by a lot of them... God knew they were going to happen and decided that, instead of being angry with me or turning away from me or smiting me on the spot, He would let grace cover them and He would weave them into His awesome chess game...

So, while I was proud of what happened with that sweetheart in a previous post, when I looked back at the "conversation" Gmail made of all our emails from over a year ago, I was pretty overwhelmed with the stupidity and lack of self-worth I saw in those emails. How had I ever thought that it was okay to talk/behave like that?

But if I choose to believe that it had to be part of the process, then it's not that I'm taking away any of my own responsibility for it... it's just that I'm forgiving myself for the mistakes, understanding that God will turn them into something beautiful.

It isn't Confidence

Beware

Out of nowhere, 
overpowering, 
bright light blinding, 
knocks you to your knees. 
Heat flaring fingertips, 
beads of perspiration, 
instantly evaporating. 
Electricity flows 
through body and soul. 
The deafening roar 
driving you insane. 
Heart pounding thrill 
dangles you near death. 
A vacuum created 
leaving you,
breathless. 
Absorbing your energy 
leaving you,
limp and lifeless. 
Never striking twice 
leaving you,
alone. 
My love is a bolt of lightning.

What a woman she was, the woman who believed this about herself. Sexy. Confident. Knowing that she could have any man she wanted, give him the thrill of his life, and walk away... destroying him...  leaving you, leaving you, leaving you... she says it 3 times... and hey, she warned him beforehand, right? So she wasn't to blame.

This was written before the term "shock and awe" became popular... but that's what she wanted to do... shock him, bring him to his knees, completely take the life from him... leave him in awe and disappear.

Today's feminists would say it sounds like a sexually liberated woman who knows what she wants and gets it without having to compromise or give up any part of herself. They would be wrong.

This was written by a broken woman. Too afraid, at that point, to attempt to act this way herself, she imagined it... wrote it down... conceived it almost as an act of revenge against those who had treated her that way.

They too would warn her. Vague answers and lies, disrespect... all were giant red flags she ignored.

No self respect. No confidence. Plenty of self loathing.

Angry.

With herself and with them.

This wasn't confidence. This was a cry.

But I got an A on the college poetry assignment and my classmates looked at me a little differently after I read it that day. Treated me a little less like "that girl everyone knows who got knocked up in high school" and a little more like someone who might know something.

And the girl in the class who was already a published writer of porn passed along some information... just in case I ever wanted to broaden my horizons.

If you read my last post, then you know this is just a little more proof... I guess God does play chess backwards.

 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,

who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28