Friday, August 30, 2013

No, I Don't Really Want to Have this Conversation

No, I don't really want to have this conversation, but what is the point of a blog that helps hold me accountable if I only put the things in it I actually want to talk about? Plus, I have been getting the feeling that God wants me to be comfortable with this topic. (Really? Me? Seriously?)

Let's start here... I recently had to define this word for someone I know and love. Why? Because sometimes something as simple as the real definition of a word can help someone you love triumph over sin. Because until they know the true definition of that word, it is easy to say "Oh, this isn't that... that is something way worse than this... what I am doing is still on the edge of okay..."

Confused yet?

Porn. I'm talking about porn.

What is the definition of pornography? As I explained it to this someone, it goes like this... Porn is the visual, audio, or written description or depiction of anyone in a real or simulated sexual situation whether they are alone or with one or more other people of the same or opposite gender.

Wow, right? That covers a lot of stuff...

Erotic literature. Pictures. Videos. Most late night television. Definitely the VMA awards... but I'm not writing about Miley here...

So, why was it so important to share with this person that it is a slippery slope from reading semi-erotic literature created mostly by teens who have no clue what they are talking about to an all out porn addiction?

Because I know.

I could write about exes with problems. I could write about friends with problems. I could easily use other peoples' lives to say that pornography is evil, addictive and has the capacity to ruin every relationship you'll ever have... but if I can use examples from my own life I probably should.

For me, porn twisted my sense of normalcy. If what was happening on the screen or in the story I was reading (and eventually writing) was normal... then if someone asked me to do it or even go a step further... of course I should, right? Even if I didn't enjoy it. Even if I was disgusted. Even if I was embarrassed. Even if it just felt wrong. If I said "No" then someone might think there was something wrong with me. Right? Eventually... all those silly feelings went away and it all felt "normal."

Porn also messed with my idea of what was ideal. It furthered my confusion of love and sex. That love story was soooooooo romantic... yeah, he was disrespectful and that one time sort of bordered on rape... but, eventually they fell in love... so, it's all good. Right?

While only one ex boyfriend ever got angry at me for looking at (and writing) porn, there were several relationships where it was a problem for me because the other person was so obsessed with it. I can't say much more without it sounding like I'm telling other people's secrets... but at some point I decided that it must not be that bad. I'm sure another post is coming about what led to that decision... but that's not this one.

I honestly don't know that this could be called an addiction for me. I gave it up quite easily when I gave up sex... which you can read about here. More accurately, it was a symptom of my addiction.

Not that I didn't slip up... (with porn, not with sex.) I think it is clear to anyone who actually reads this blog (which I'm kinda hoping is nobody today) that I know I am a sinner... and I have a lot of work to do... but God used the last "slip-up" to open my eyes to what I was really seeing.

All of those things listed above are indeed porn, but my slip-up and my eye-opening experience resulting from that slip-up were due to a video on the internet. I'm sure I'll be writing about the other forms some time soon as well... *sigh*

The last time I watched an actual pornographic video, it was late at night. I was lonely and tired and sad and bored and restless... I just couldn't sleep. I grabbed my phone from the charger and went to a site I had been to plenty of times before in the past and picked a video at random. (Know that when God is trying to tell you something, nothing is ever random.)

The women and the man in this video were not American. The were saying things in English, but with very thick accents. They seemed to be enjoying themselves. Then, suddenly, though the video did not change... I was watching an entirely different movie.

I started to cry.

These women were wearing clothes (barely) and makeup (lots) but it wasn't enough to hide the bruises up and down their legs and thighs... you can strategically place a hand anywhere to cover a single bruise... but there weren't enough hands on the set to cover these.
All of the sudden I realized that these were real people. I started imagining what they had been through to get those bruises and my chest started to hurt just thinking about their pain. I may be a baby when it comes to pain... but bruises hurt... Why were they being beaten? Was this something that happened all the time? What makes those kinds of bruises? Did they cry? Did they beg someone to stop? I don't know... but people don't voluntarily let themselves be bruised like that.

Let's forget that lust is a sin for just a second, and look at it this way.

Healthy, happy people don't make porn and share it with others.  Maybe they were those women I'd heard about who were sold into slavery for just this type of purpose. Maybe they were being forced to do this. Maybe they were just broke and needed the money. So many maybes...

Whether these men and women are being forced to do the things they are doing, or whether they are doing it because they are hurting, broken people... what kind of a person takes any kind of pleasure in watching someone in that situation do anything?

Yes, partaking in porn is a sin. Yes, I slipped up. Yes, I learned my lesson... so much so that it has taken me a little time to actually write about it... but it is a lesson that I will share if it makes someone else think before they click play.

And as I look back over all that I've said here, I see there really is too much for one blog post... but there may be a reason I have so much to say on this subject... and all subjects pertaining to sex... Remember this post? Well, these were the things that were ever-so-lightly touched upon in that article... the article where I knew I could "preach it" better than the woman who slid past all the dirty parts of these problems and just tried to smooth it all over with a pretty picture of Jesus...

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