Four reasons I didn't say Black Lives Matter & the one reason I do now

A friend of mine posed an honest question on Facebook. For those who are stuck on "All Lives Matter," why are you still there?

I thought giving an honest answer might help others understand how to get the message across as well. Then, when I went back to paste my answer in, the question was gone. So I decided to turn it into a blog post. 

I, of course, believe Black Lives Matter. Always have. I love people, all people.

However, I only started saying it that way very recently... within the last week or two. It was hard to switch from saying ALL to BLACK... Here's why.

First of all, I felt pressured into the change. I was told I was a racist for not saying it. And because I know I'm not, I wasn't going to be shamed into changing. 

Many people who are passionate about this issue are also hateful to those who don't understand. So hateful, we fear asking questions because we know the answers we will get and labels that will be put on us. For many of us, our first response is to cling tighter to what we believe and ignore those who hurt us.

Second, change and growth often mean admitting you were wrong before. Admitting you might have been wrong is a hard thing for us humans, but so are change and growth... and we know those are desirable. Still, because of the other reasons mentioned here, there was no way I was saying they were right and I was wrong.   

Third, it seemed like it was tied to a political party. I felt saying it meant turning my back on my other political beliefs. I was afraid I was accepting an agenda I knew nothing about and didn't understand from a political party that makes no sense to me. I wasn't giving up a part of myself that was important to me (the rest of my political beliefs) for a phrase I didn't understand.

Which is the fourth reason... I really didn't understand. All lives matter feels like the most agenda-less of the two phrases. It felt like a phrase nobody could disagree with in a society where everyone fights about everything all the time. "All lives matter" feels safe.

But this last couple weeks everyone has been angry with each other, fighting over every word and action and definition. Quick to accuse and delete and I realized the first thing I needed to do was try to understand.

Asking questions was awful. I don't know why people are so mean to someone who WANTS to understand them. Instead, many would rather make me feel bad for not understanding them already. So I saved questions for when I really needed to hear other people's thoughts. The rest of the time I researched on my own. 

When I first read the burning house analogy, it sort of made sense to me.

I was thinking about that one a little bit. 

But then I saw this post on Facebook about Jesus leaving the 99 to go after the 1. 

That's what made it clear. I was able to see it & understand then. And because nobody was yelling at me or looking down their nose being condescending to me, I also was able to realize it wasn't political tied to an agenda. It's about people who are hurting, asking us to acknowledge their value.

How many times in my life, have I sat at the feet of  Jesus, broken, and said, "Tell me You love me, Lord." Imagine if the message He sent back, however He sent it, came across as, "I love all my children." 

While true, that answer would have crushed me... because I didn't need reassurance about all God's children in that moment. I needed to know that I was loved. Looking back, I've come to realize that God has NEVER ONE TIME let me leave one of those moments without knowing I was loved. 

People stuck on the word "all" need realize this is not about politics or agendas or bowing to pressure. It's not about whether you have been right or wrong.

This is about a group of people crying out in pain saying, "Please tell me I matter to you."

When that happens, we have to put aside our own fear, politics, agendas, and feelings, and tell them, "Yes, you matter to me. Of course you matter to me. I hear your pain and I want you to know, your life matters to me." 

And that's the one reason I say, Black Lives Matter. 

#BlackLivesMatter

Mondays are not the problem

I don't hate Mondays. I just can't.

I love my job and the fact that God lets me make people's lives better in the variety of ways He does. I love that I can provide for my family. I love that I have a decent place to live and enough food that I can say things like, "I should exercise more or eat less."

Am I super excited about getting up at 5:30am tomorrow? No. Am I energized when considering every aspect of my upcoming work week? No.

But I am so blessed... blessed more than I could ever write here. I know who I am... and who I am doesn't hate any day that I wake up alive and have the ability to praise the Lord for everything I get to do.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me - practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." 

Philippians 4:8-9

On Valentine's Day

I originally wrote this last Valentine's Day, but I never published it. As I was re-reading it I realized it is still something I want to share. So, here goes.

Whether I am your sister or your sister-in-Christ I want you to know that I care about you. I've made a lot of bad choices in my life. While I can't change them, I hope that, occasionally, some of my mistakes are lessons for more than just me.  

I still don't always get it right, but thankfully I have grace to get me through. God is good... all the time. 

Know that wherever you are today, I have been there before. Broken-hearted? Perfectly content being single? Dating an abuser? Happily married? I've been there. What is different now is that I used to let my relationship status on any given day define who I was.

Nearly six years ago, a long term relationship I was in ended abruptly. Devastated, I chose self-destructive ways to deal with it... although I didn't see those ways as self-destructive at the time.

The next four years were rough. Even when I chose to show hope and happiness on the outside, inside I was a self-loathing mess. I desperately wanted someone to show me that I wasn't as easily cast aside as a few key men in my life had made it seem.

I believed I only needed one man to prove it to me. Surely in all of the men in all of the world, there was one... but one after another they let me down.

By 2015, life in general had begun to turn around. God had rescued me from my own bad choices, and I credited Him with that fully... but spiritually I was fading. I honestly believed that God didn't care if I was happy.

Then, something wonderful happened. At what I thought was just going to be a regular coaching session, God spoke to me. As I talked to my coach, and he asked me why I reacted to this one way and that another, I started to see that every decision I was making was wrapped up in my self worth... and I didn't know what that was. 

I had begged God over and over through the years to show me my worth. I had read great stories where others came to understand theirs through one perfect moment or divine appointment. I didn't know why He wouldn't tell me mine... but I had formed some ideas. They were wrong.

Two years ago, God showed me how all of those I times I begged Him to show me that I was worth something, He had been trying... But I would ask Him and then look to people for my answer. I had done again and again.

That's when I asked Him to help me break that cycle. He showed me that the people I was looking to were "just people" and my thoughts about myself should have nothing to do with how they view me.

While I know you won't understand your worth until you are ready to understand... I have to share this with you. So that you know why it is so important to me that you know who you are in God's eyes... not who you are in the eyes of another person.

Whether it is Valentine's Day, Christmas, New Years Eve, or Thursday afternoon... Please remember that there is nothing in a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates that tells you your worth. No ring on your finger or marriage license means you are worth more or less than anyone else in this world. No amount of respect or lack-thereof from someone else changes who you are.

No man or woman in your bed with an arm around you can show you how strong you are or how loved you are or how amazing you were created to be.

Only One can do that... your Creator.

Here is what God sees when He thinks of you... read it out loud to yourself. Faith is voice activated. When you say it out loud, you believe it.

You don't get to choose

While my dad grew up Catholic, my first real introduction to Catholicism came from my first husband. We were both 18 and 5 months pregnant when we got married. He was Catholic and I was a member of the Assemblies of God, but we both thought we could make it work. We agreed to go to both churches.

Whether or not his church and family could have actually convinced me to convert, I'm not sure. But they had countless opportunities to get me to consider it. I even said at one point that if we could find a Catholic church that liked contemporary praise and worship I'd go there.

However, when he told his priest (a man he loved and respected more than just about anyone else at the time) that I was pregnant, the priest didn't speak to him for six months. His dad and step-mom urged us to give the baby up for adoption, which distanced us from them for awhile. Then there was his mom, one of the most Catholic woman I had ever spent a great deal of time with. In her eyes, I never did anything right, no matter how hard I tried.

It all totaled up to me not wanting to have anything to do with Catholicism.

Five years later, when I was pregnant with our 3rd child, he decided he was done. “I love you but I'm not in love with you. I'm moving out.” His mom let him move in with her and hired a lawyer to help move the process along, and I was devastated.

As you can imagine, due to those experiences (and admittedly ignoring the fact that I knew some great people who were Catholic) I decided that it was something I didn't want my kids or I to be a part of, ever.

As the kids entered their preteen and teen years, I would feel anger rise in me when they refused to say an off-the-cuff prayer and instead recited something they had learned at his house. I tried not to argue with them about it, but every prayer, every sign of the cross, burned me. Eventually I couldn't keep my eye rolls to myself or my mouth shut. The more I argued with them, the more it happened.

Several months after I had my first revelation of grace, I read a book called Girl At The End of The World. It was by a woman who had been raised in an abusive, misogynistic, fundamentalist christian home. More or less, it was a cult. When she ran from that way of life as a young adult, after realizing her own children were going through the same things she had endured, she decided she was done with God.

This is a quote from her book: “I am fed up with reading about God through the male perspective only. I want to experience the God who inspired me as a child, the God who found me long before I could comprehend a single word in my Bible. I want to experience God pursuing me for once. I am tired of seeking, striving, and knock-knock-knocking on heaven’s door. I no longer want to know that silent, capricious, harsh God who would just as soon throw me into the fires of hell as save me. I am challenging God to pursue me like someone who has never been exposed to the Bible. Love me, God. I dare You.”
― Elizabeth Esther, Girl at the End of the World: My Escape from Fundamentalism in Search of Faith with a Future

And He did. She tells of how she met Mary, the Mother of Jesus, how she found the Catholic Church, and how Mary and Jesus worked together to save her life and breathe healing into her. Her revelations about finding Grace within the walls of the Catholic church stunned me.

Tears ran down my face as I read and tried to make sense of something that was so beautiful, yet so opposite what I felt and believed. Then, with that inaudible voice He sometimes uses to drive an important point home, God told me, “You don't get to choose how I reach people or how they relate to Me.”

I continued to listen and watch and read grace-based materials, but I wasn't angry anymore when they said a Catholic prayer or told me they wanted to fast something for lent. I chose loving them over disagreement about their beliefs.

Then one day as we were driving, Alexandra told me it scared her to hear sermons about how lack of forgiveness towards others can keep you from Heaven. We talked about how that isn't true and what Grace really means. She told me that talking to me about this stuff made her a lot less terrified. And all of the sudden, I had a grace believer on my hands.

It wasn't just that. She wanted to know more. She was interested is listening to different sermons and discussing different thoughts. She even chose to go see Andrew Wommack in Chicago with Ben and I last spring.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was love she saw in me that opened her up to the discussions. I had to admit to myself, even on days I didn't argue... If you roll your eyes when your kids do the sign of the cross at dinner... you aren't showing love.

So then, how do we get the message of grace across to others without arguing, or being angry? How are they going to know that we believe differently if we don't make a point to tell them?

1 Peter 3:15-16 says:

In your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, 

How will people know? That's easy! Do you remember how you acted and reacted to life before you found grace? Even if you were already in church when it happened.

People will see we have a hope they don't have yet... and they will ask us why. The Bible says when they ask us, we should be ready to tell them with gentleness and respect and a good conscience.

What does a good conscience have to do with it? Well, for me it is knowing that Alexandra came to me because she saw my confidence in Christ... not because I wore her down on Catholicism.

When people look at us as Christians, it can oftentimes be the same way I used to look at Catholics. They have known someone who was a Christian who was rude or dogmatic or legalistic. They have seen the people who call themselves Christians parading up and down the street with signs that say who they believe God hates.

They need to see in us that we are not those people.

How do they do that? Jesus.

Put your focus on Him and you'll lead others to Him as they see the fruit of Spirit manifest in your life.

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! 

~Galatians 5:22-23

The Gospel According to Google

Years ago, I read a book by John Howard Griffin who said, "Every fool in error can find a passage of scripture to back him up."

I remember thinking it was funny at the time. I even thought about coming up with ridiculous positions on things solely for the purpose of finding scriptures to back them up, just to see if he was right. Now, as an adult, I see that he was... and today it's even worse than Griffin likely imagined it could be thanks to the pervasiveness of Google.

With a quick search for a couple of key words, anyone these days can not only find a verse that fits their viewpoint and a translation with just the right wording, but they can zero in on that verse without ever reading it in context.

Some, like those from the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, use random verses to spew hatred... ignoring large portions of the Bible, while others focus only on the positive passages they want to read, ignoring verses about sin altogether. 

Still others are loving, respectable pastors and leaders who truly care about those they are serving. Yet, for one reason or another, they forgo the revelation that comes from studying the word, and spout Bible verses that only make sense within their message when read out of context.

Here's an example: Hebrews 10:26

For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, 
there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins.

Read out-of-context that is a scary verse for me! Believe it or not, I still sin sometimes. In fact, sometimes (often), I still sin deliberately. Don't you? 

(If you said "no," that was probably a lie... which means you can now say, "Yes.")

In the last week I have deliberately lied to one of my children, eaten way more food than I needed or was good for me, made a rude comment about someone who annoyed me, and have even deliberately broken the speed limit! 

And while I said "In the last week," let's be honest here... 

I probably did all of them, 

within minutes of each other, 

in a single afternoon.

That is a lot of deliberate sinning... and it likely doesn't even come close to the actual list of sin in which I have participated in the last week. Thankfully, I know that it isn't a scary verse for me.

Hebrews 9 and 10 talk about the sacrifice that Jesus made at the cross for us. We can be assured in these verses that ALL of our sins: past, present, and future, have already been forgiven. So, if future sins have been forgiven already, what sin could one commit that would be held against them?

What about the sin of rejecting Jesus and His forgiveness? Someone who does this, has no other alternative. They have received the knowledge of the truth and for some reason, deliberately turned their back on God. 

Why would anyone do such a thing? I don't know. Ask Judas. He saw Jesus in action and still rejected him. It happens, which is why we are being warned about it here. The point is that we should not worry with each and every sin that we may be in danger of losing our salvation, 

In his commentary on these verses, Andrew Wommack says, "Those who truly love the Lord and yet sin, however grievously, need not fear these verses. These verses are for those who totally renounce their faith in the Lord. They know what they’ve done, and they don’t care. They hate the Lord."

And writer Paul Ellis asks, "How can we interpret Hebrews 10:26 as a warning against sin when Hebrews 9:26 says that Christ appeared once for all “to do away with sin by the sacrifice of Himself”?"

While I don't believe most of the people who use scripture out of context mean to hurt Christians, it is important for us to guard ourselves against teaching that might do so. When you hear a sermon or read something that contains a verse for reference. Always take the time to read it for yourself and ask God what He wants you to receive from His Word.

He (Jesus) has appeared once for all at the end of the ages 

to put away sin by the sacrifice of himself.

~Hebrews 9:26b

Just people

It was a revelation the day God showed me that people are just people and He is the One who
determines my value. That was just a little over a year ago and it still surprises me at times, especially in certain situations.

Confident about what God has shown me He wants for my life, I attended the National Hearts At Home Conference yesterday with a new perspective. I've sat in the audience of conferences like this before and thought, "How could I ever be on that stage, and tell people what God wants me to tell them? Look at me! Why would they listen to me?"

This reply to my tweet
 really made my day!

As God continues to stoke the fires of my dream of becoming an author and speaker, I went in to these conference sessions without my star-struck glasses on, and what I saw really threw me for a loop.

I watched the way these women walked and talked and dressed and spoke. It was amazing. What I saw was something that I had begun to suspect had to be true, but hadn't been able to convince myself of before.

They were all... every single one of them... normal. (They might disagree with that assessment, but to be fair, normal covers a pretty wide range for me.)

I found out one speaker and best-selling author is living in my home town and when I went to her Facebook page, saw she was already friends with MY MOTHER! What!?! How is that possible?

One admitted to all of us that she was wearing Spanx and couldn't breathe after running up the steps to the stage to speak.

Another talked about the time she was so tired with her four kids she actually asked the officer who pulled her over for speeding to arrest her.

Two talked about their healing, but not always stable marriages.

Words were mispronounced.

Miss-steps were made.

Cues were missed.

There were technical glitches.
(Granted, most were only glitches the perfectionist head of a church's A/V team would catch.)

I even saw a speaker's bra strap slip out once.

Don't misunderstand. It was an amazing day and very professionally put together! But God used those little things to remind me that I don't have to be perfect for Him to use me. I don't have to have angelic children, a spotless house, a flawlessly running business, or be in a perfect relationship.

The speakers I saw yesterday are real people... and that's all He wants from me as well.

If I want God to use me, I just have to be me.

The same goes for you. It doesn't matter how messy you think your life is or how you feel you lack in one area or another. God created YOU to be the you that you are. Be who He created you to be.

You aren't what you've done. You aren't where you've been. You aren't what's been done to you. You are a child of the King, a precious heir to His throne. You have a story. You have a purpose. You have an impact.

He wants more for you than you can even dream right now. Don't let that go because you don't think you are good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or put together enough.

I can't share this too many times. You have to know what He sees when He thinks of you! If you believed that... you'd truly believe that all things are possible through Him.

Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. 

But with God everything is possible.”

~Matthew 19:26

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or imagine, 

according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory 

in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.

~Ephesians 3:20-21

A better promise

More than two and a half years ago, I started this blog as a way to work through my issues and hold myself accountable for all the promises I was making to God as I tried to pull my life back together.

Promise after promise is what I would make, and ultimately fail to keep, over and over. I thought the blog would help me with that, make me accountable and help me stop the seemingly unending cycle of "Promise, fail, confess, repent, promise, fail, and so on..."

Look at those phrases that I underlined. I was working so hard... and still failing... because I didn't understand how to let Him handle it. I kept trying to do it in my own strength.

On some level, I really thought that
this is what God does! 

Not only that, but I was doing it all to please Him, to appease Him, because I knew it was "the right thing." He had been blessing me, and while those blessings were completely unearned, I continued to try to earn them... or at least do what I could to make sure He didn't take them back! My lack of understanding was holding me back more than anything else. 

As I spend more time with Him, immersing myself in the Gospel of Grace, I can't help but see how much I was missing the mark in my promises, because I was focusing on my part of the struggle. Thankfully, over the last several months, that has changed for me. I am learning that He IS the good, gracious, loving God I had always wanted to serve. I am learning how to rest in Him. I am learning to let go.

I don't always get it right. I can't promise you won't pull this up and see a particularly human blog post about "poor me" any time soon, but you can be sure that if you do, it's not because my trust in Jesus or God's grace has wavered at all... only my focus.

I'm very happy to say that, looking back over the last couple of years, there is a difference in this blog...especially the last several months. I'm excited to keep writing and see how it changes more as my relationship with Him continues to grow.

Promise after promise from one of the most fallible people I know (me)... that was often hard to write about. Whether it was all completely necessary or not, God has used it all for good, and I am grateful!

Promise after promise from a God of grace... that is something I look forward to writing more about.

If God’s promise is only for those who obey the law, 

then faith is not necessary and the promise is pointless.

~Romans 4:14

He made heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them. 

He keeps every promise forever.

~Psalms 146:6

God also bound himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise 

could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind.

~Hebrews 6:17

And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. 

You are his heirs, and God’s promise to Abraham belongs to you.

~Galatians 3:29

Out with the old... 

In with the new...

Not afraid

An interesting conversation about grace with friends this weekend brought up the subject of our fear of God. Without really thinking about it, the first thought I had flew out of my mouth, "I'm not afraid of God."

I wrapped my brain around what I had just said as I saw the surprised looks on some of the other faces at the table. Maybe everyone should be backing away from me slowly, on the lookout for lightning bolts. Maybe the earth is about to swallow me up. I know God was listening. Did I really mean what I just said?

Absolutely.

This morning I looked through old blog posts for evidence of my previous fear. I know that I used to be afraid of God. Honestly, some of them were hard to read. One word kept coming up though.

Trust.

In one post I commented how God's love seemed a lot to me like the selfish love I'd already encountered in this world. (Love that left me broken, hurting, untrusting.)

In another post I made it clear I was taking John 12:25 literally.

Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life 

in this world will keep it for eternal life. ~John 12:25

I was totally scared God was going to make me miserable while using me for His plans... with the promise that "in eternity it wouldn't matter..."

If I could just endure, just get through this life without messing up, it would be a testimony for others to see and He would be happy with me... and that all mattered more (to Him) than me being miserable. It was exhausting. No wonder I was fighting Him all the time.

So what made the difference? Why did I stop fearing God?

The Gospel of Grace. Finally learning what grace really is and how it applies in our lives, I'm diving into a deeper relationship with Him and rising to the surface with a level of trust I didn't know I could have. Knowing that I am the righteousness of God in Christ, and that He sees me as perfect (in spite of my mistakes) breaks off the constant performance anxiety and fear of His consequences.

Don't misunderstand, I do believe sin still has earthly consequences. But I'm no longer living under the fear that one wrong move, action, or thought, will bring upon me His wrath or His indifference, the latter of which probably scared me more.

The word "gospel" literally means "good news" and the word it comes from is actually better defined as "nearly too good to be true news." 

A God Who loves me, and isn't watching for the moment I make a mistake so that He can move on to someone more faithful, better suited for His work, or who isn't rewarding my faithfulness with indifference... for a girl who has spent most of her life fearing indifference and abandonment more than anything, that IS "nearly too good to be true news." And yet, I am fully convinced of its truthfulness, trusting God more today than I ever have... although probably a little less than I will tomorrow. :-)

There is no fear in love.

 But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. 

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
~1 John 4:18 NLT

The lie

Nothing like a post titled "Fearless" to work up the enemy, right?

Yesterday morning,
after so long without issue,
panic swept over me.
Sitting outside,
laptop on the patio picnic table,
I attempted work.
To those who saw,
or called or passed by,
I probably seemed fine,
possibly even normal.

But frustration grew
as my mind was flooded,
with so many absurdities,
distracted from my work,
brain in a codependent meltdown.

What did he mean by that?
Why didn't she talk to me?
Is she avoiding me now? Is he?
Did I say the wrong thing?
No one situation, all random.

I stopped and prayed.
I searched through, read through,
and highlighted scripture.
Took a short nap, then ran an errand.
The elephant left my chest.

Codependent meltdown?
After having been freed from
codependency and proclaiming
myself healed to all who would listen,
how could this have happened?
I wrestled with it for most
of the evening afterwards.
Was I wrong about being healed?
Had I made a mistake somewhere?
What was wrong with me?

That's when it dawned on me
what was happening.
I KNOW I am free.
I can feel the difference.
What a fun game
for the enemy to play,
to try to cause doubt to creep in.

Satan didn't win any victories
over me yesterday as I struggled
with panic and and worry.
The only way he could have
was if I had begun to doubt,
if I had accepted the lie
that he was trying to feed me.

Instead, I recognized the lie,
and am spreading the word...

Satan doesn't find his victory in
a moment of your weakness.
He finds it in your acceptance of the lie
that you will never be able to rise above it.

Don't give up!
 

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are.

~1 Peter 5:8-9

Bootstraps (revised)

My story has been described

as one of a woman

who fell on hard times,

pulling herself up

by her bootstraps

to succeed.

That isn’t completely true.

I didn’t fall on hard times.

I climbed into them,

sometimes blindly,

but almost always willingly.

I thought that the times

that begat my hard times

were the answers

to my misguided prayers.

I never bothered to look

to God and say,

“Is this from You?”

While I can’t say for certain,

it is almost undoubtedly true

that I never asked, in part,

because I already knew the answer.   

The Bible clearly states

God hates sin.

God doesn’t reward sin.

God doesn’t offer sin as a reward.

But if the situations before my hard times

were something that I thought I wanted,

there was no stopping me

from charging ahead,

sometimes even giving Him credit.

The most successful path

to my own personal Hell

was slow and steady,

as it is for most who wander.

No sharp turns or drops.

No reason to make me

think I might be wrong.

Murder, envy, and greed are all

great sins, as sins go.

But, Satan knew he was safer

to turn me into a gossip and a time waster,

an in-denial lover of self,

someone who was convinced

she was in control

of her own life,

who wouldn’t be jolted

back to reality until it was too late.

He was almost right.

Everyone has their breaking point

the enemy no doubt took delight

in watching my struggle

to be in control

right up until the moment

I broke and fell to the ground.

There, on my knees,
I did something he didn’t expect.
I looked up towards Heaven for help and hope.
 
I believe that God cares more for our souls
than He does for our earthly lives.
He will let things be taken away from us,
one after another after another,
until we realize we have nothing
left but Him to hold on to.

Some of us are more stubborn than others.

God let me do things my own way,
though He has the power

to make me do whatever He wants.

He let me make my own choices, and

He let me make my own mistakes,

knowing that when I finally came to Him

in complete and willing surrender,

it would be real and lasting.

When I finally acknowledged

Who was in control,

I raised my arms 

and waved my white flag.

That is when He showed me those bootstraps

and how to pull myself up, 

by grabbing ahold of His hand.

Thank You Lord,

for Your patience and Your grace.

I will spend the rest of my life telling people

how awesome You really are...

and it still won't be long enough

to show how truly grateful I am. 




(Revised from this post: Bootstraps 12/05/2013)

I said sex in church

I've written before about how I told God that if He wanted me to speak publicly, I would do it because I knew that I could, with His help. What I haven't written about was the time that He made it clear to me that I was going to be talking about some difficult topics and I said, "Okay, but not about sex. I don't want to stand up in front of people and talk about sex."

If you ever feel the need to tell God what you don't want to do for Him, 

be prepared to hear Him laugh at some point, 

when He sets you up to do precisely that thing. 

 
Today's Christian church has a huge lack of understanding and support when it comes to single parents, especially single mothers.

In twelve years of attending various single-event single mom ministries, I have heard two messages, if any message is shared at all. Either we are given the salvation message or a message about how we should focus on our children and lean on Jesus. In other words, "don't even think about dating or marriage. Jesus is your husband now."

And who would deliver these messages? It was either pastor of the church or a happily married woman. While we always appreciate those who give their time, it is honestly difficult to accept encouragement from someone who hasn't walked in our shoes.

As my friend Tina and I prepared to speak at the conference from this weekend, we knew we needed to present topics that women like us needed to hear about. This is what we came up with:

Living Victoriously
     The stereotype isn't accurate (You are normal.)
     Our weaknesses are our strengths
     Enjoy your children while you can.
Know Your Worth
     God wants more for you than you want for yourself.
     God will meet you where you are, but He doesn't want you to stay there.
Battle Strategies
     Save yourself first (Take care of yourself.)
     Keep your focus on God
     Be vulnerable
     Be prepared for the comments. (This was fun. lol)
New Relationships
     Desperately want to remarry or the thought makes you want to hurl, which perspective is healthier?
     Forget all the advice you have heard before.
     How to know if you are being respected once you are in a relationship.

We are both so excited about the feedback we received from our sessions. We were able to speak freely, from our hearts, about what God has shown us over the years. Because of that, we had to talk about some things that don't often get talked about in church. 

Tina and I both brought up sex a few times during these sessions. Much to Tina's surprise, we did not get struck by lightning. Much to my surprise, we didn't get kicked out before it was over. 

It wasn't until afterwards that I remembered I had told God I didn't want to speak about sex publicly.

When I shared about my past over lunch, I danced around the topic a bit. I talked about how my distrust of men grew because they "only wanted one thing" and "would get it and not call" (and how I didn't take any responsibility for my bad choices at the time.)

I also alluded to the times God rescued me from the brink of REALLY stupid and dangerous decisions... but I didn't ever say the word... sex.

When I did say it later, I didn't give a whole lot of time to it. I didn't dwell on it. But I did tell the single moms in that room some things that I've needed to hear in the past.

When talking about being respected and not settling for less than what God wants for us in new relationships:

"Sitting at home on the couch and watching a movie is nice, but it is NOT a date. 

Coming over to do his laundry while you cook him dinner is NOT a date. 

Sleeping over is NOT a date. (Even if it's just sleeping.)

Sex is NOT a date."

Then, I later told them this,

"We have to talk about sex a lot because we have to deal with it a lot. Those of us who choose to abstain until we are married are up against a great struggle, both internally and externally.

God makes it clear in His Word that sex outside of marriage is a sin. But I am going to tell you something you won't hear often enough. I want you to know that if you choose not to abstain, or if you fall into temptation, God still loves you. God isn't angry with you. 
God may be disappointed with your choices, but you aren't going to Hell for having sex. 
Are you living your best life? No. 
Are you experiencing the relationship God intended for you? Nope.
But God still loves you. 

If you slip up and end up having sex, you can not let yourself be pulled into a downward spiral of guilt and shame and let that pull you away from your relationship with Him."

For a woman who could barely speak in public at all a couple of years ago... saying that from the pulpit is a huge step.  I have a feeling this is the first of many times this subject will come up. There are a lot of things about sex that need to be talked about among single moms. And frankly, I don't think God is going to let me get away that easily.

I am sure this is not the last time that Tina and I will address a group of single mothers, encouraging them to live their best lives, the ones God wants for them. I am looking forward to letting Him use us to help them find their way.  

 
Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
~Ephesians 4:15-16  

My provider

Someone offered me
a stable job in management
with a company vehicle
and a regular paycheck
with a salary
a company vehicle
with less work
than I do right now
and a company vehicle.
I might have already mentioned that.

For a fleeting moment
I considered the possibilities.
All of the things
that I am struggling
to become better at
would be less of a problem
as I would no longer be the boss.
Less worry
More money
More stability

I told her I would pray about it.

I was pretty sure
I already knew
the answer I would get
in prayer
when I mentioned it to a friend
who said to me
"Is this business a business,
or a ministry?"
Yep.
There is my answer.

As great as it sounds
to have for myself
a steady paycheck
a stability I've never had
a company car,
I know Who
my provider is
and His plans
for me require
a little more trust in Him
and a little less "knowing"
the check will be
in the bank every Friday.

I have a long way to go,
I know that.
But God is good
and His plans for me
to love and help and serve
His people
are so much better
than I can imagine.

(Which is really fantastic because my dreams
at this point are pretty awesome.)
And I know
beyond all doubt
that He will provide
so that I can do these things
for Him.

"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/God,-The-Provider#sthash.BHpNQNGn.dpuf

 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26

The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does. The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time.You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. Psalm 145:13-16

"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/God,-The-Provider#sthash.BHpNQNGn.dpuf

"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/God,-The-Provider#sthash.BHpNQNGn.dpuf

Size doesn't matter

Over and over we have heard
about the tiny mustard seed
"It only takes a little bit of faith
to move mountains," they tell us.
Bull... um, -oney.

I have had a lot of faith
that a lot of things would happen
only to see the mountains
stay in the same place, unmoved.
I have been sure that my prayer
would be answered
only to hear and see nothing.

The more I thought about it,
I began to realize
the size of your faith
really doesn't matter.
In fact, I do not believe
that God would call us to have
any kind of faith
that could be thought of as small.

Consider the mustard seed.
It grows from the tiniest of seeds
to the largest plant
in the garden.
It is a bush so big
that birds perch in it
when it is grown.
How does this happen?
Does the mustard seed
have a little bit of faith
that it will grow
to reach its full potential?
No!

The mustard seed
small as it may be
believes with its whole being
that it will become the full-grown plant
that God designed it to be.
It thinks of nothing else.
It knows of nothing else.
It concentrates on nothing but God's will for it to become exactly what He wants it to be.
Even in floods.
Even in drought.
Even when the animals come tearing through the garden.
No excuses. Just faith.

I'm not a "KJV all the way" kinda girl... but it is what I learned to read first... and while many preachers talked about the "tiny faith of the mustard seed," reading it myself made me see that not all versions refer to the seed as "small" at all.

Why are men building entire sermons on a word that they are inferring into the verse... a word that isn't even there?

Every time I get into this passage, I feel this message more deeply than before. Tonight, when I was reading it again, verse 17 struck me.

The apostles brought a boy to Jesus after unsuccesfully trying to cast demons out of him. They basically said, "We can't figure it out. You do it, Jesus." In verse 17 of this chapter Jesus says, "O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you?" He is saying... (my interpretation) "You have got to figure this out for yourselves! I am not going to be here much longer! I called you for something amazing... and you have not fully grasped it yet! ... If you could see what you are truly meant to be and work for nothing else... that kind of faith could move mountains! Nothing would be impossible."

What a promise...

If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

Matthew 17:20

Defining moments

Remember when I wrote about how important a definition can be?

Here are a couple of other words I needed to pick apart and define.

Prostitution
in simple terms
is trading sex for money.
I wrote before how
God protected me
from that.
But really,
When I think of all the times
I traded sex
for a few smiles
for a few laughs
for a few hugs,
or just to feel attractive,
desired for a few moments...
or, so many times,
for an arm around me while I slept,
I realize that I was still a prostitute... I just had a flexible payment plan.

I almost did it again this weekend.
Sent a text to a guy
who I knew would lie to me
and say that he missed me
and tell me I am beautiful
even though I hadn't heard from him in months
just because I knew
he would stay the whole night
and snuggle up close.

It didn't work out. Thank God.

I was going to give up on a promise
that I really do take very seriously
just so I didn't have to sleep
alone.

While I don't want to dwell on mistakes that I almost made, picking all of this apart tells me something very important.

I am not a sex addict.
Sex addicts are addicted
to sex, porn, the chase, the act.
Not to being touched
and held
and cuddled
and feeling special
even if it's just for a moment.
Sex addicts separate their feelings
from their actions.
I never did.
Not one time.
Even when I purposely tried.
I couldn't stop feeling.
But they could...
and did.
So I moved on to the next
lying smile...
you wouldn't believe the lies I've heard
and accepted when I knew better.
because I didn't care
that he was lying
as long as he was lying next to me...
I could always convince myself it was worth it... what did I have to lose?

Now I'm thinking, with clarity
not in my emotion
not in my pain
not in my intoxication
and I realize that
I was going to give up on a promise
that I really do take very seriously
just so I didn't have to sleep
alone.
And I know it wouldn't have been worth it...
I am determined to reclaim all that I didn't realize I had to lose in the first place.

No, I Don't Really Want to Have this Conversation

No, I don't really want to have this conversation, but what is the point of a blog that helps hold me accountable if I only put the things in it I actually want to talk about? Plus, I have been getting the feeling that God wants me to be comfortable with this topic. (Really? Me? Seriously?)

Let's start here... I recently had to define this word for someone I know and love. Why? Because sometimes something as simple as the real definition of a word can help someone you love triumph over sin. Because until they know the true definition of that word, it is easy to say "Oh, this isn't that... that is something way worse than this... what I am doing is still on the edge of okay..."

Confused yet?

Porn. I'm talking about porn.

What is the definition of pornography? As I explained it to this someone, it goes like this... Porn is the visual, audio, or written description or depiction of anyone in a real or simulated sexual situation whether they are alone or with one or more other people of the same or opposite gender.

Wow, right? That covers a lot of stuff...

Erotic literature. Pictures. Videos. Most late night television. Definitely the VMA awards... but I'm not writing about Miley here...

So, why was it so important to share with this person that it is a slippery slope from reading semi-erotic literature created mostly by teens who have no clue what they are talking about to an all out porn addiction?

Because I know.

I could write about exes with problems. I could write about friends with problems. I could easily use other peoples' lives to say that pornography is evil, addictive and has the capacity to ruin every relationship you'll ever have... but if I can use examples from my own life I probably should.

For me, porn twisted my sense of normalcy. If what was happening on the screen or in the story I was reading (and eventually writing) was normal... then if someone asked me to do it or even go a step further... of course I should, right? Even if I didn't enjoy it. Even if I was disgusted. Even if I was embarrassed. Even if it just felt wrong. If I said "No" then someone might think there was something wrong with me. Right? Eventually... all those silly feelings went away and it all felt "normal."

Porn also messed with my idea of what was ideal. It furthered my confusion of love and sex. That love story was soooooooo romantic... yeah, he was disrespectful and that one time sort of bordered on rape... but, eventually they fell in love... so, it's all good. Right?

While only one ex boyfriend ever got angry at me for looking at (and writing) porn, there were several relationships where it was a problem for me because the other person was so obsessed with it. I can't say much more without it sounding like I'm telling other people's secrets... but at some point I decided that it must not be that bad. I'm sure another post is coming about what led to that decision... but that's not this one.

I honestly don't know that this could be called an addiction for me. I gave it up quite easily when I gave up sex... which you can read about here. More accurately, it was a symptom of my addiction.

Not that I didn't slip up... (with porn, not with sex.) I think it is clear to anyone who actually reads this blog (which I'm kinda hoping is nobody today) that I know I am a sinner... and I have a lot of work to do... but God used the last "slip-up" to open my eyes to what I was really seeing.

All of those things listed above are indeed porn, but my slip-up and my eye-opening experience resulting from that slip-up were due to a video on the internet. I'm sure I'll be writing about the other forms some time soon as well... *sigh*

The last time I watched an actual pornographic video, it was late at night. I was lonely and tired and sad and bored and restless... I just couldn't sleep. I grabbed my phone from the charger and went to a site I had been to plenty of times before in the past and picked a video at random. (Know that when God is trying to tell you something, nothing is ever random.)

The women and the man in this video were not American. The were saying things in English, but with very thick accents. They seemed to be enjoying themselves. Then, suddenly, though the video did not change... I was watching an entirely different movie.

I started to cry.

These women were wearing clothes (barely) and makeup (lots) but it wasn't enough to hide the bruises up and down their legs and thighs... you can strategically place a hand anywhere to cover a single bruise... but there weren't enough hands on the set to cover these.
All of the sudden I realized that these were real people. I started imagining what they had been through to get those bruises and my chest started to hurt just thinking about their pain. I may be a baby when it comes to pain... but bruises hurt... Why were they being beaten? Was this something that happened all the time? What makes those kinds of bruises? Did they cry? Did they beg someone to stop? I don't know... but people don't voluntarily let themselves be bruised like that.


Let's forget that lust is a sin for just a second, and look at it this way.

Healthy, happy people don't make porn and share it with others.  Maybe they were those women I'd heard about who were sold into slavery for just this type of purpose. Maybe they were being forced to do this. Maybe they were just broke and needed the money. So many maybes...

Whether these men and women are being forced to do the things they are doing, or whether they are doing it because they are hurting, broken people... what kind of a person takes any kind of pleasure in watching someone in that situation do anything?

Yes, partaking in porn is a sin. Yes, I slipped up. Yes, I learned my lesson... so much so that it has taken me a little time to actually write about it... but it is a lesson that I will share if it makes someone else think before they click play.

And as I look back over all that I've said here, I see there really is too much for one blog post... but there may be a reason I have so much to say on this subject... and all subjects pertaining to sex... Remember this post? Well, these were the things that were ever-so-lightly touched upon in that article... the article where I knew I could "preach it" better than the woman who slid past all the dirty parts of these problems and just tried to smooth it all over with a pretty picture of Jesus...