Delete me if

Our country is a sad, scary place right now. I could write for hours about all the terrible things happening. But there is something people aren't talking about, and it hurts my heart to see it over and over again in a time when we all need to be coming together. 

You've seen the posts. Maybe you've written the posts...

"Delete me if..." 

"If you believe XYZ, delete me." 

"If you don't agree with XZY, delete yourself... I don't have time for you." 

Time and again I've seen it posted this last several days, and it's heartbreaking.

Does deleting them say more about you or them?

Many people feel they are saying, "This belief is so important, I will sacrifice friends for it." and "Your beliefs aren't worth hearing because they are ridiculous."  But these people forget it's a two way street. You are also saying, "I don't believe I can make a difference in your life."

And maybe you won't. But shouldn't you try, even if trying is just you living your life true to you and they see it and make changes that you never see?

Another problem with this... You are helping propagate selection & confirmation bias for both you and the person you want to delete. Everybody believes something that is based almost entirely on the fact that everyone they know believes the same thing. Or, these days, because they read it on Facebook in one of their heavily biased groups. You might be the only voice of reason some of your friends see on a given topic. 

I've done it myself. I've posted about subjects I thought I knew inside and out, only to learn new facts from friends who believe differently than I did. I can't imagine how much growth within myself would have been stunted if I only surrounded myself with people who believed the same as I do, (or who never said anything if they didn't.)

If you are ever going to make a difference on a personal level, it has to be done with love. Telling someone to "Delete me if..." is the same as saying, "I don't care about you." and that isn't love. Love is patient and kind and slow to anger. 

Another thing that is often slow... change. Even once it happens the person who is changing may not let on. Growth is hard. And admitting you are growing is even harder because you have to admit that you might have been wrong before. In other words, just because you don't see growth, doesn't mean it isn't happening.

Just remember, someone's friendship or impact on your life (or your impact on theirs) is more important than a belief they hold, however strongly either of you feel about it. Imagine if I said, "Delete me if you don't believe Jesus Christ is the son of God and you make fun of people who do." I would lose a lot of amazing people from my life. 

There are some good reasons to delete or block people from your life at times. If they harass you or cause you problems, or if their beliefs are directly impacting more than your social media timelines, then by all means, quietly delete them and let it go.

You don't have to be friends with everyone, and boundaries are good. But when your boundaries are so tight that you can't even turn your head to try to see something from someone else's viewpoint or to see that there is more value to another human being than one belief they hold, then regardless of what it is you don't agree with, there is something wrong with your boundaries.

Even Jesus hung out with imperfect people who sometimes said and/or believed stupid things. He didn't cast them away. He walked in grace and gave them the opportunity to learn.

Even if you don't agree with any of this, I don't want you to delete me. 

I want you to know that I love you and value you and your opinions and beliefs, even if they are different from my own. 

Maybe that should say especially if they are different from my own. Much of the learning and growing that I have done over the years has come through friends who shared their different perspective and knowledge with me... and I wouldn't trade that for a bunch of people who agreed with everything I said, any day of the week. 

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you are also to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. 
John 13:34-35

Bless those who persecute you; bless and don't curse them.
Live in harmony with one another. 
Do not be haughty, but associate with the humble. 
Never be wise in your own sight.
~ Romans 12 (Excerpts)

Friend

It was strange seeing the marker board at the hospital yesterday. My name, phone number, and under 'relationship', the word, FRIEND.

Now, I understand the practicality of it. I'm his daughter's mom.  If something happens, I need to know. But the fact that this person who expends more energy hating me than doing any other thing has a sign in his room with the word "friend" next to my name was a good kind of weird. 

I prayed it was prophetic.

While I don't expect to ever be meeting him out for coffee and chatting about our day like I would with other friends, I can't help but want good things for him. 

Lauren adores him. If there is no other reason in the world, that one is enough. The joy she had when we both attended her musical last month and sat at the same table at an after-party was obvious. We even got pictures of the three of us.

There are plenty of other reasons, too. I believe God creates everyone with something to offer the world. What we do with what we've been given is our own choice. But, if you don't understand the loving nature of God and the grace He's given you, making the right choice can be difficult.

Hurt people hurt people. 

I wrote once about collateral damage in dealing with other people. I said, "you can't yell at a drowning man for splashing water on you while trying to figure out how to save himself." 

Sometimes though, that drowning man has convinced himself that if he throws enough water on you, the ocean will be shallow enough for him to stand. 

I fought that water for years. It took a long time, but eventually I learned that as long as I'm in the boat, the water can't really hurt me. It's just water. 

The grace that taught me that, also taught me forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing.

I hope someday he'll see what a friend I really am and how much love, compassion, and confidence in God's grace it takes to stand at the bedside of someone who viciously blames you for everything that is wrong with their life in new and shocking ways on a regular basis, and offer to pray for them.

For his sake and Lauren's both, I hope it happens soon.
I would very much love to one day not think twice about being referred to as his friend.

¹²My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. ¹⁴You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. John 15:12-15

Collateral Damage

I spent a big part of my life angry.

I was
angry at people,
angry at God,

angry at the world,

angry in general.
I often had
a smile on my face,
and something nice to say.
But inside was
a ball of rage.

Hurt people hurt people
and I was good at it:
a cutting remark,
a passive-aggressive act,
and every once in awhile
a volcanic eruption of rage
that sent people running for cover.

Always followed by an apology
that may or may not have included
how justified I was anyway...

I was in perpetual victim mode,

and likely caused some

collateral damage myself.

It was the revelation

that people are just people
and that their thoughts
and their actions
don't define me,
that started me on the
path towards forgiveness.

The freedom that comes

with that forgiveness
is unlike anything else
I've ever experienced.

It also taught me
no matter what
was done to me
I was responsible
for my own reactions.

I used to think my story

was full of bad guys

who set out to destroy me:
People whose only goal
was to see how high
they could climb
while stomping on me.

I eventually came to realize

that the only bad guy

in my story is Satan.

Everyone else is just human.

When that realization sunk in,

the amount of grace I was able

to extend to others and myself,

grew exponentially.

My feelings were hurt this week.
And I asked myself

what was wrong with me.

And then I asked myself

what was wrong with them.

And then I remembered.

Both of the answers are the same.
Nothing.
We're just people. 

People trying our best

to keep our lives from

spinning out of control

while causing as little collateral damage as possible. 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels,
but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
1 Corinthians 13:1

More than enough

Last week I laughingly told a couple of friends about a thought that had come to me, "I am the main character in every cheesy movie about a 55-year-old-plus divorcee or widow who went out to find herself...."

I've gained a deeper understanding of my faith. Dated a couple of wildly opposite guys. Figured out I can be happy and single at the same time. Changed my hair. Lost some weight. Started working out again. Traveled. Went paragliding. Found a love of live music. Started a really fun new hobby. And I even went to a paint night regardless of the fact that I can't draw a straight line with a ruler. The change has been gradual, and isn't finished... but I'm so much more confident in myself than I've ever been.

I laughed when I shared it,"All that is left is for me to accept being single for the rest of my life and find a retirement home that will let me move in and paint sunflowers all day."

It was mostly a joke. I wasn't retiring or painting or giving up on what I want for my future. I just thought it was funny. Mostly. But not completely. I didn't exactly like identifying with women 20+ years my age... even if they were just movie characters.

It's funny how one comment can change your mindset. One friend surprised me by saying, "Well, you're way ahead. I was much older before I had that kind of confidence."

Wait. What?

My perspective of my "main character" status changed instantly. I'm not old before my time. I've been blessed with wisdom and confidence that many woman struggle to receive. I'm not ready to retire. I'm ready to live.

I went to an amazing conference this weekend with 24,000 women from around the world. If I had gone last year, I would have sat in my seat and waited patiently for sessions to begin. I probably wouldn't have wandered around offering to take group pictures of women with their cell phones. I definitely wouldn't have had the nerve to take selfies with their phones in the process! (I hope finding those pictures of me made them laugh!)

In previous years I would have enjoyed praise and worship with Chris Tomlin, Michael W. Smith, and Cece Winans from my seat. This year I joined the pre-session dance party on Friday and then decided to join the women who were praising from right in front of the stage. It was a completely different worship experience. And guess what else... nobody thought I didn't belong up there with them.

A few months ago I was afraid to go to a bar alone, even to meet friends for karaoke or see a band. I couldn't bring myself walk up to order at a crowded bar, knowing people would know I didn't belong there. The anxiety I felt over these things was ridiculous.

I've gone to different places to see live bands several times now, and nobody has ever even given me a sideways look... much less questioned my right to be there. I've quickly come to realize that the thing that was most holding me back... was me.

All of those times I was afraid to step out because of what someone might think, I was telling myself that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't smart enough, cool enough, funny enough, pretty enough, didn't have enough rhythm... didn't have whatever it was that I thought others had. I wasn't enough.

Here's what I've had to ask myself: Who am I to think I'm not enough, when Someone already told me I am? God knows what I can do... so why should anyone else's opinion matter?

How about you? What situations do you find yourself in that you slowly back away from because you know you aren't enough to be there? Where do you not bother to give your input? How often do you see someone doing something and think, "That looks fun. I wish I could do that!"

Who are you to think you are not enough, when God already told you that you are?  

In Jeremiah 1:5, God told Jeremiah, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."

God's words to Jeremiah tell us that God knew we were enough before we were even born. The things we perceive about ourselves have nothing to do with our ability to carry out the plans God has for us. Keep reading Jeremiah and apply what God tells him to your life. You'll see that even when you don't have confidence in you, God does.

God created you to do those good things you are afraid to do, but He won't make you do them. It's the enemy that feeds you the lies that make you shrink back and give up those things you were destined to do. Talk to that stranger. Write that book. Sing that song. Start that company. Volunteer for that position. Hug that person who looks sad. Speak up for that person who needs someone to have their back. Take some time to take care of yourself.

You'll still end up in Heaven if you don't ever learn this... but you'll enjoy your time on Earth a heck of a lot more if you do.

You are more than enough. 

You are awesome. 

You were created for this!  

Let not your heart be troubled

"I have something to tell you, but I don't want you to freak out..."

I don't know about you, but those words make my heart stop for a moment. Nobody uses those words unless they are about to say something that could, in fact, freak me out.

Jesus starts a conversation in a similar this way with His disciples...

Let not your heart be troubled...

~John 14:1a

He is about to tell them that the man they have devoted their lives to following is going to die and there is nothing they can do about it. If I was one of those disciples, I can't imagine my heart not being troubled at that moment, as well as in the moments to come. Yet that's what Jesus says. And in doing so, makes a point to say that they have a choice in how they handle what's to come. 

It's clear from the conversation that they don't quite understand. Where is He going? Why can't they go? How do they follow Him if they don't know the way? But he tells them again...

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. 

Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

~John 14:27

Jesus knew that if they looked only at what they were seeing, they wouldn't be able to help but feel discouraged, depressed, and scared. He knew that once they let those feelings set in, they would start to doubt the truths He had taught them over the years. 

Have you ever been so sad and depressed that you started wondering if God existed? Or, if He did, that He could really love you at all?

Where would we be today if the disciples had given in to those feelings? Jesus knew that they were about to watch Him be unjustly beaten, tortured, and crucified. He also knew that the whole existence of Christianity could hinge on the feelings of His disciples if they gave in to their despair at His death... so He clued them to the fact that they had a choice in how they handled their emotions.

The good news is, we do too. He even tells us how to do it. 

Believe in God; believe also in me.
~John 14:1b

Faith. He's telling them and us to believe in the truths He has taught before this. Don't believe what you see over what you already know. Believe that God has the final word on your circumstances. Believe that He sees you and knows you and wants only good for you. Believe that you have authority over the darkness that tries to overtake you. 

That's the first step. Faith.

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.

~John 14:26

He also tells them that He is sending the Holy Spirit to help them with this. The Holy Spirit will bring to remembrance the things Jesus had already taught them that were contrary to what they were feeling as well as teach them new things.

Ask the Holy Spirit to help you guide your thoughts away from your pain and fear and towards the things God wants you to focus on. More likely than not, you'll find that the things He wants you to focus on have nothing to do with your life and circumstances at all.

The Holy Spirit WILL help.

Some will read this and say, "She obviously doesn't understand anxiety or depression." Believe me, I understand all too well. I suffered from both for years. 

Officially diagnosed in 2002, I spent a lot of time on and off of anti-depressants and in and out of hopelessness. I still have bad days from time to time. But now I can look at those bad days and see where I could have chosen to make the day better. 

When I blamed others' actions or my own circumstances for my depression and anxiety, I felt helpless. This caused even more depression and anxiety. But now, each time I recognize it and accept my ability to control my feelings, I am empowered. Even when the recognition comes in hindsight, I know that I'll get another chance to let not my heart be troubled... and in doing so, will be able to show others that they can break free from this too!

This topic is so much deeper than one blog post can cover. Accepting that you have authority over your emotions is difficult... but it is important if you want to get better. Please know that even if you aren't ready to accept what I'm saying... You can be free. You can be healthy. You can be whole. It won't be easy, but starts with making a choice to find your way. 

Let not your heart be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.

~John 14:1

When I said, “My foot is slipping,”

your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.

When anxiety was great within me, 

 your consolation brought me joy.

~Psalm 94:18-19

Convincing arguments

One of my kids recently asked me what she could say to convince someone who doesn't believe in God to start believing.

I told her the truth: Nothing. 

Your words alone won't convince anyone of anything. Your actions are what make an impact. Your words will plant seeds, but for someone to change the way they believe they have to look at your life and say:

I want to live like that.

I want to have that kind of peace.
I want the joy that you have.

That's why it's important to remember that making dumb choices after you are saved is not going to keep you from Heaven... but it isn't going to get your friends there either.

Simple and too the point. You are always leading by example, even when you don't think you are the leader. People will know your heart by your actions. Whether they see Jesus in those actions or not is up to you.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, 

faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23 NLT

 
A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.
Matthew 7:18 NLT

Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.
John 13:35 NLT

Don't laugh

My calves have identical bruises. 

Their death grip
on the bike's speakers
kept me from flying
off of the motorcycle
I'd hopped on the back of
one evening this weekend.

Thankfully I wasn't injured later,
when I fell on my butt
and managed to almost
knock the bike over while
trying to get off of it
without first asking how.

It's weird that I would do something like that, because usually I'm so graceful.

Stop laughing ... I can be graceful.

Years ago I told my oldest that I wanted a motorcycle. She said no. She pointed out that I could barely drive a car safely and that makes a motorcycle a really dumb idea for a mom of four. She won that round. But at least I finally got to ride one this weekend for the first time since I was a kid.

So much is going on these days. I'm excited and exhausted at the same time. I definitely don't have the energy to write anything real at the moment.

I just had to check in.
When I don't write,
I know some of you worry.
Okay, maybe not.

One more thing...
It wasn't a joke.
Stop laughing.

I really can be graceful.

:-P

Just a symptom

I recently started (and ended) a relationship with someone new. It didn't last long, and it is not the cause of the spiral written about awhile back, just a symptom.

I liked him. A lot. Our meeting seemed Divinely inspired and we quickly became good friends. It didn't take long for things to turn somewhat serious, for me at least. The problem was, we couldn't fully walk with God and each other at the same time. We tried, but we encouraged the worst habits in each other. We also tried asking God to show us if we should be dating or not, but we didn't really wait for His answer and we forged ahead anyway.

I ignored red flags and warning signs that it wasn't right. I'm sure he did too.

Over the last few days, as God and I have worked on some things, I knew I would have to put an end to anything beyond friendship, even though nothing official had ever been proposed. We needed a new, clear, boundary. Honestly, I don't think it phased him... which is why I say it turned serious "for me at least." And while that stung a bit, I'm proud of myself for having enough self respect to step back and mean it.

I'll admit I hesitated. I asked God, "What if he is upset when I tell him?"
That's when I heard clearly, "He is not going to fight for you."

Ouch. Not a surprise though.
Someone will. Someday.
He is not that someone.
Today is not that day.

Don't get me wrong. He's not a bad guy, just not the right one.
God has a man who is a better match for me out there.

Someone with good communication skills and clear boundaries.

Lord knows we won't last a month without them...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
~Jeremiah 29:11

Forgiveness

I've written several posts as
I worked through the loss of
a couple of friendships lately.
God kept telling me to let it go,
but I really didn't know how.

When I realized the key to letting
go was forgiveness, I was angrier.
"That's not fair!" I told God.

But I eventually tried...
and failed...
and tried again.
I tried several different ways...

This week I succeeded.

After praying about it, I said
a few things I needed to say
via email, and sent it off.
I woke up the next morning and
realized I felt better, even without
a response or acknowledgment.

While we must still interact on
a regular basis, when I let go,
I suddenly realized my feelings
about the person had changed.

Am I still disappointed? Sure. Am I angry? No.
And because of that, my actions have changed too...

No more being hurt.
No more accepting blame.
No more walking on eggshells.
No more apologizing for every interaction.

Does the enemy know my weaknesses? Yep.
Is he going to try to poke me every now and then? Probably.

But I feel free today, and I'm thankful
that I trusted God when He told me to let go,
and that today I am stronger than I was
a week ago, stronger than I was a month ago,
and so much stronger than I was a year ago.

Thank you, Lord for believing in me, even when I didn't. Thank You for strength and grace. Thank You for loving me unconditionally. Remind me of times like this when I doubt my ability to do what You ask of me. Remind me that when I leave You in control, everything works out. Amen.

Praise the Lord!
For he has heard my cry for mercy.
The Lord is my strength and shield.
I trust him with all my heart.
He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. 

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.
The Lord gives his people strength.
~Psalm 28:6-8

It doesn't matter

While sharing with a friend about how the ending of the other friendship has really confused me lately, he said something that made me stop and think. "Nobody has to be your friend. The answers you are getting don't make sense, but what does it matter? You aren't owed friendship. Maybe he just changed his mind. So what? The outcome is the same."

My only possible response was, "But he said..." I didn't say it though, because I realized he was right. It doesn't matter. The choice was made and has nothing to do with me. 

God and I were having a conversation about this as I was driving and I heard, "I told you to let it go. You aren't changing any minds by arguing or explaining, and I've already told you I've got this."

"You're right, God. I can do this. I can let it go. In fact, I can not care at all. They'll see. Doesn't bother them? Fine. Doesn't phase me either. If they can not care, I can too."

That's when God said, "Wow, that doesn't sound like forgiveness at all."

Thankfully, He timed that comment with a stretch of straight road, because I froze. "Wait, what!?" It hit me for the first time that letting go means forgiving too. "But, that's just not fair! Didn't You see? Didn't You hear? Didn't You...?"

He got really quiet after that, because I knew the answers to those questions.

He knows. He heard. He saw. It doesn't matter.

I know that when God tells me to do something, I have to do it... regardless of the situation, my feelings, my reasoning, or what anyone else involved is doing. It doesn't matter if I'm still confused or hurt or wish I could say just one more thing... It doesn't matter.

The question of how to do what He's saying? That one is a bit trickier... but if He made everything easy, I wouldn't have anything to write about! And how much fun would that be?

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, 

if you love one another.
~John 13:34-35

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, 

it keeps no record of wrongs.

~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Saturday night

Used to spending Saturday nights with
friends I no longer have, it would be easy,
more than easy, to fall back into those
"before-I-was-made-new" habits.

I haven't yet decided what I want to do
as this weekend approaches. It will be
one of just a few "kid-free" Saturday nights
we have not hung out in the last year.

It's not really that I lack possibilities of
finding other Saturday entertainment.
Maybe I'll even go on a date or something
now that I have a Saturday night free... maybe.

But making new plans means concretely accepting
that the time we all enjoyed together is really over.
While I'd love to believe it's fixable and we can
go back, we can't, and I probably shouldn't want to.

But that doesn't make it easier to actually close
the door, admitting I have lost friends I love,
who have been an important part of walking with me
through the changes God has made in me so far.

Maybe it's because the severing is so upsetting
that the enemy believes I will fall. In fact,
he has been putting opportunities directly
into my path, over and over in the last few weeks.

I don't think he realizes that he is only
strengthening my resolve to do what's right.
But what is that? I mean, I could take this
as another crushing blow, like I did last week.

Or, I can shake it off and move on, towards
whatever God has prepared for me instead.

Yeah, I choose that one.

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
~Isaiah 41:10

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
~Romans 15:13

Shine through

Crushed by the loss of my best friend,
(the friendship ended, nobody died)
I've been reeling for days.

Oddly enough, knowing it's over 
has been easier on me
than the days leading up to,
when I knew that was happening
and was just being told to wait.  
Rip the band-aid off quickly
     quit making me hang in limbo.
Cruel, but not unusual punishment.

No fault was accepted by them
and not one apology offered
by the now absent friend.
And the fallout from the loss
has likely ruined at least
a couple of other friendships.
Praying I can suck it up enough
to not have to change the areas
where I serve at church as well. 

My overly emotional reactions
were blamed for the severing,
proof someone doesn't understand
me as well as I thought, nor
women and their friendships,
or what fear of abandonment
can do to a girl like me.

The most meaningful thing was said to me today:
"You do not deserve to be abandoned—especially for the cause of wanting not to be abandoned." 

The panic and tears overwhelmed me
several times today, forcing me to pray, sing,
or just out loud ask God to make it stop.
It. Make IT stop. It has a name: Grief. 
I'm so tired of losing, grieving losses, of being broken.

Reading today, He reminded me... it is in my weaknesses that His strength is shown. If I had none, then how would anyone see Him in my life? If I am a fragile clay jar, containing His light, nobody will see it unless there are some cracks for the light to shine through.

Well, there is another great big one, God... please find a way to shine through it. 

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

~2 Corinthians 4:7 

 

Brokenhearted

Praying for direction tonight, awaiting some confirmation.
Praying for a quick resolution, but afraid that it won't be the one I hope for.

No heartbreak is worse than one pressed upon you by a close friend.
I've felt a familiar panic tonight as the friend in this scenario holds all the power.

I'm just along for the ride again and it's scary and confusing to me,
waiting to discuss things with them and waiting until they are ready to talk.

I worked so hard to become new and the person who has supported
and cheered me on the most has decided to believe the worst of me.

"Reasons and seasons" I've been told today. Let them go. They've served their purpose.
Considering the state of my heart right now, I could easily fathom it. But it wouldn't be right.

Real friendship means more to me than that, and this was real. I have to do something
Even if that means stepping away until the truth becomes clear, because it will.

Still waiting on direction. Hoping for a conversation.

This quote kept coming to mind tonight, I had to look it up:

"Your patient must demand that all his own utterances are to be taken at their face value and judged simply on the actual words, while at the same time judging all his mother's utterances with the fullest and most oversensitive interpretation of the tone and the context and the suspected intention. She must be encouraged to do the same to him. Hence from every quarrel they can both go away convinced, or very nearly convinced, that they are quite innocent." -Screwtape Letters

We've all done it before. We'll all do it again. The enemy is slick and knows just how to confuse us best. It's not the whole problem, but it played a big part in this one. So many assumptions floating around tonight, still waiting to be worked out, if there is any chance at all. Praying there is.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those 

who are crushed in spirit. - Psalm 34:18

Light

It's often hard to explain everything that goes on in my life in a single blog post. While I was working through my issues with depression and D (which, in this case, are likely more closely related than I wanted to admit), God was still continually talking to me. Even when I didn't think I could hear Him, it became difficult to deny that He was speaking to me.

Different people, some who don't read my blog or know much about my personal life, have delivered messages to me, for me, from Him. Because He knows how hard headed and strong-willed I am, the repetition seems almost comical. "Let's see how many times I can fit this message into a single week. We'll see how long it takes her to actually get it."

Recurring themes from the last week or so?

• This isn't about right or wrong. 
• He just wants a closer relationship with you.
• Get in the Word. That's where you'll find your answers.
• Be in the light.

These verses have been delivered into my hands in one way or another over the last week. I know I'm hard-headed... but I think I might be catching on...

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.

~Ephesians 5:8–10

This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. 

~1 John 1:5-6

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” 

~John 8:12

“You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” 

~Matthew 5:14–16

He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light.' 

~Job 33:28

The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. 

~Romans 13:12

I love this song... He's definitely letting me feel Him shine right now.

Thankful

thankful
blessed
amazed
relieved
surprised
overwhelmed

by friends who don't judge...
who will pack boxes,
sift through garbage,
load a truck,
move furniture,
help me with the yucky jobs,
and make me laugh as I try not to puke while doing a really yucky one.

friends who didn't run
when I said I needed help.
some who stepped up
before I even asked.

very thankful for everything God is doing in my life and a chance to be a testimony that He really can help change every part of a life... even if doing so means those friends have to see the 'before' that I keep trying to hide...

Don't Let Me Call You Sweetheart...

Unless you are a child, you do not want me to call you sweetheart.

Sweetheart is my nice girl way of calling you a dumbass. 'Cause I'm too nice of a girl to call you a dumbass to your face. Dumbass. Oh, sorry, I was on a roll there...

There are some exceptions... I was giving a friend of mine a ride home from church one day and she was walking and talking and started to get into a van that was similar to mine, but wasn't. I said, "Um, sweetheart? My van is over there..." Oops!... and we went on our way. About 15 minutes later she said, "Hey... I just realized you called me a dumbass back there..." and we both laughed hysterically. There are just some friends you can do that with...


Today I got an email from someone I haven't heard from in over a year...

We emailed back and forth a few times, but it was clear what he as looking for. And he kept asking me for a picture... like he possibly couldn't remember who I was... isn't that lovely a thought?

I finally replied... after he didn't get it the first time I told him I wasn't interested and then ignored him for awhile and got two more emails asking me where I went... sometimes you have to spell things out for the younger ones apparently. (BTW, under 30 is too young... under 25... what was I thinking!?!)

Anyway, I sent him this:

"Sweetheart, we both know you are only interested in one thing... and you're not getting it from me."

It was easy.
I was proud of myself.
I can do this!

I wish it was that easy every time.

It's not.

 

Because she has lived through so many my mistakes... I told my oldest daughter about it. No details... just "A guy I haven't heard from in forever emailed me" and some of the things he said that were "red flags." Then I told her the response I sent him above.

She smiled and put her hand out for a high-five.
I hope she learns from my mistakes and doesn't repeat them.

To Walk Away or Not to Walk Away...

As I walk this journey towards being the person I was meant to be, I am continually being tested. People who I should have cut loose long ago are coming back to try to take a piece of me again.When this happens, I have been amazed that I have had the strength to do it... to tell them they can't have whatever it is they are looking for and to tell them to move on.

It has definitely been more subtle than that with many of them... but a couple have been told straight up... "I'm done."

I am starting to get to the people who have been close to me for longer though. People who I share a connection of some sort with. People who I do truly love in one way or another... and I'm starting to hesitate.

Maybe there are some that I am not supposed to cut off...

Last weekend a friend and I ended up in a texting fight... he did something that didn't really even have an affect on me. He did something that hurt his mother's feelings. She did what I usually do... "Ah, that's just how he is..." and then shrugged it off.

I couldn't.

I told him that I have seen him be a better person than he is being right now and seeing the person he is being right now makes me sad.
I told him that I am tired of dealing with a "friend" who I would do anything for... who can't return the sentiment because he's too busy... his favorite excuse is "I'm doing me right now."

He sent a sarcastic apology about being a shitty person and having one-sided friendship.

I told him, "You aren't a shitty person. You have a shitty attitude. And because I love you, I have to call you on your shit without being scared that you will be mad at me or stop being my friend... and if you do either of those things, it isn't because I didn't care..."

I know that if he never speaks to me again, at least he knows that I care and that I am still praying for him... I won't ever stop praying for him.


I have another friend, a very close female friend, who assaults my sensibilities constantly with her anti-christian, anti-god, anti-good comments and Internet posts. Yet I know that walking away would be the wrong thing. It would be one more piece of "proof" to her the Jesus cultivates hatred in people. So I will continue to pray for her as well.

No real final thought on this one... just making myself recognize the difference between the good and bad relationships in my life.

The codependant person and "f" word

Friend.

What is it about that word that ties me to people?

Go ahead...
Lie to me
steal from me
(just find some way to justify it)
make fun of me
belittle me
(you're just trying to help me be a better person)
ignore me
(you are busy, your life doesn't revolve around me)
yell at me
disrespect me
ignore my no
make sure I know my place

As long as you call me your friend... all will be forgiven.

It takes so much to break that tie, that very few have managed to do it. How to literally make me walk away from you and take the label of "friend" away...? So few have done it, I don't even know what to say there.

What is a "friend"? When did having friends become so important to me? Where did I learn or teach myself that anyone can be my friend regardless of their intentions or their actions?

I don't know. One more thing to explore on this journey into my self... admitting that I have a problem is one huge step towards finding the solution.