Delete me if

Our country is a sad, scary place right now. I could write for hours about all the terrible things happening. But there is something people aren't talking about, and it hurts my heart to see it over and over again in a time when we all need to be coming together. 

You've seen the posts. Maybe you've written the posts...

"Delete me if..." 

"If you believe XYZ, delete me." 

"If you don't agree with XZY, delete yourself... I don't have time for you." 

Time and again I've seen it posted this last several days, and it's heartbreaking.

Does deleting them say more about you or them?

Many people feel they are saying, "This belief is so important, I will sacrifice friends for it." and "Your beliefs aren't worth hearing because they are ridiculous."  But these people forget it's a two way street. You are also saying, "I don't believe I can make a difference in your life."

And maybe you won't. But shouldn't you try, even if trying is just you living your life true to you and they see it and make changes that you never see?

Another problem with this... You are helping propagate selection & confirmation bias for both you and the person you want to delete. Everybody believes something that is based almost entirely on the fact that everyone they know believes the same thing. Or, these days, because they read it on Facebook in one of their heavily biased groups. You might be the only voice of reason some of your friends see on a given topic. 

I've done it myself. I've posted about subjects I thought I knew inside and out, only to learn new facts from friends who believe differently than I did. I can't imagine how much growth within myself would have been stunted if I only surrounded myself with people who believed the same as I do, (or who never said anything if they didn't.)

If you are ever going to make a difference on a personal level, it has to be done with love. Telling someone to "Delete me if..." is the same as saying, "I don't care about you." and that isn't love. Love is patient and kind and slow to anger. 

Another thing that is often slow... change. Even once it happens the person who is changing may not let on. Growth is hard. And admitting you are growing is even harder because you have to admit that you might have been wrong before. In other words, just because you don't see growth, doesn't mean it isn't happening.

Just remember, someone's friendship or impact on your life (or your impact on theirs) is more important than a belief they hold, however strongly either of you feel about it. Imagine if I said, "Delete me if you don't believe Jesus Christ is the son of God and you make fun of people who do." I would lose a lot of amazing people from my life. 

There are some good reasons to delete or block people from your life at times. If they harass you or cause you problems, or if their beliefs are directly impacting more than your social media timelines, then by all means, quietly delete them and let it go.

You don't have to be friends with everyone, and boundaries are good. But when your boundaries are so tight that you can't even turn your head to try to see something from someone else's viewpoint or to see that there is more value to another human being than one belief they hold, then regardless of what it is you don't agree with, there is something wrong with your boundaries.

Even Jesus hung out with imperfect people who sometimes said and/or believed stupid things. He didn't cast them away. He walked in grace and gave them the opportunity to learn.

Even if you don't agree with any of this, I don't want you to delete me. 

I want you to know that I love you and value you and your opinions and beliefs, even if they are different from my own. 

Maybe that should say especially if they are different from my own. Much of the learning and growing that I have done over the years has come through friends who shared their different perspective and knowledge with me... and I wouldn't trade that for a bunch of people who agreed with everything I said, any day of the week. 

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you are also to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. 
John 13:34-35

Bless those who persecute you; bless and don't curse them.
Live in harmony with one another. 
Do not be haughty, but associate with the humble. 
Never be wise in your own sight.
~ Romans 12 (Excerpts)

Debt Mountain Update Month 2

Still 17.6% less debt than 2 months ago, but
it doesn't quite feel like a 'win'... 

As you can imagine, this last month was a busy one. I've written several partial posts, but nothing I ended up publishing.

Between Christmas, a graduation, birthdays for 3 of the kids, two mid-week holidays followed by my entire crew calling in the following week for illness or car trouble... this was a rough month for me financially. I stuck to a pretty tight budget for all the kids and family this year, but it was still rough. No big numbers or exclamation points today... just the knowledge that this month was a failure in terms of numbers.

Month 1: Debts owed down 19.64%
Month 2: Debts owed up 2.06%
(% of original amount of debt)

I have been able to take a close look at this last month and learn more about our spending and how we can do this better. Or at least how I would like to do this better.

Part of the problem is that I said I wanted to do this without making Mike suffer the consequences for my debt, but it turns out that if we aren't both working towards the same goal, we aren't going to be able to make any progress.

Marriage is hard and we don't see eye to eye on finances. While it was my bad choices that put me in debt, I'm now the one who cringes every time we spend a dollar that I know we don't need to spend.
Still, his lack mindset and my abundance mindset seem to clash constantly. In in the interest of not fighting, I often pay for things I shouldn't and don't ask him to pay me back for things I should.

I've also spent way too much time taking care of the household instead of my businesses. It makes him happy to come home to a clean house and to have meals cooked a few nights a week and to be able to play his trumpet with whatever band calls him on any given night. I like making him happy, but I've got to work on the businesses more.

I knew this would be a process when I started it. I knew there would be ups and downs. If I get my taxes done this week, I'll make great progress again next month. I'm having a hard time seeing how it is all going to be possible... but that has happened before and God has come through. 

Because God knew I would need a little encouragement, I found a couple things when going through paperwork last weekend. One was a copy of the $46,000 surgery bill from the time Lauren's insurance lapsed and it took 5 months to restore. It's a long story but it was a huge miracle when they decided to make it retroactive to the date it was cancelled, covering her surgery in full.

Second was a letter from the Illinois IRS telling me that they needed more proof of my income before they would send me my 2016 refund of approximately $700. I never followed through on that when I filed and when I called this week they told me that it was still good. I just have to send in some papers.

I'm looking forward to a better report next month... and hopefully several more blog posts between now and then. There is a lot going on around here besides the quest to be debt free and I look forward to sharing that with you too. 

Collateral Damage

I spent a big part of my life angry.

I was
angry at people,
angry at God,

angry at the world,

angry in general.
I often had
a smile on my face,
and something nice to say.
But inside was
a ball of rage.

Hurt people hurt people
and I was good at it:
a cutting remark,
a passive-aggressive act,
and every once in awhile
a volcanic eruption of rage
that sent people running for cover.

Always followed by an apology
that may or may not have included
how justified I was anyway...

I was in perpetual victim mode,

and likely caused some

collateral damage myself.

It was the revelation

that people are just people
and that their thoughts
and their actions
don't define me,
that started me on the
path towards forgiveness.

The freedom that comes

with that forgiveness
is unlike anything else
I've ever experienced.

It also taught me
no matter what
was done to me
I was responsible
for my own reactions.

I used to think my story

was full of bad guys

who set out to destroy me:
People whose only goal
was to see how high
they could climb
while stomping on me.

I eventually came to realize

that the only bad guy

in my story is Satan.

Everyone else is just human.

When that realization sunk in,

the amount of grace I was able

to extend to others and myself,

grew exponentially.

My feelings were hurt this week.
And I asked myself

what was wrong with me.

And then I asked myself

what was wrong with them.

And then I remembered.

Both of the answers are the same.
Nothing.
We're just people. 

People trying our best

to keep our lives from

spinning out of control

while causing as little collateral damage as possible. 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels,
but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
1 Corinthians 13:1

Designed to create

You won't see many blog posts out there on exhaustion from a first person perspective. Why? Because exhaustion sucks the creativity right out of the person who is dealing with it. It sucks the energy out of us too.

I haven't written because that's where I was. I'm out of it now and can write again. So, what happened? Was I doing more? Was I not taking care of myself? Was I just lazy?

I've learned a lot about myself in the last couple months and it has been an adventure. Looking back, I realized that it wasn't just the amount of stuff I was doing that caused the exhaustion. It was the type of stuff I was doing.

My business was good, but stagnant. The volunteer work I once loved had turned from creating light shows and scenes that set the tone of a church service to scheduling people and being in charge of processes. Lots of stuff like that. Boring.

I hired a business coach to try to figure out why I was burnt out and to get help. Actually, it was our first meeting, before I even hired her, that she showed me that I was designed to create... not manage. I suddenly felt free to explore other ideas for the first time ever... because I was doing what God designed me to do.

I had been going to live music shows and posting about them so other people could find them too... but I had been viewing it as a hobby I probably shouldn't take seriously. When I realized that I had confined myself to the boredom and burnout I had been dealing with, I decided to pursue something new... something that breathed new life into me.

Suddenly, it was a business. In 6 weeks I had over 500 followers (growing every day) and local bands and venues are working with me to get their shows promoted. Three months ago I was still too scared to walk into a music venue or a bar by myself. In fact, it was just about 3 months ago that some friends were late for karaoke and I sat in the car for 20 minutes until I was sure they were inside before even getting out of my car.

Two weekends ago I saw seven bands in seven venues in two nights, but kept to myself... not letting anyone know who I am. This weekend I saw 6 different bands and walked up and introduced myself between sets. People who know me, look at me and are amazed at the differences they see.

I've never lived outside of my comfort zone so consistently or so deliberately before. 

Some may see that and think, but what does that have to do with grace? Isn't this a blog about how God's grace changed your life? 

Yes, yes it is. 

And because I'm no longer living in fear of making the wrong choice or making God angry... I know who I am, who He created me to be. The world can put all the expectations on me they want. It doesn't bother me. I can focus on the thing He created me to do. CREATE. 

I've never felt more like I was made in His image than at this moment in my life.

Grace did that for me.

God created mankind in his own image. 

Gen 1:27

By grace you have been saved through faith.

Ephesian 2:8

I will put my laws into their minds, and write them on their hearts, 

and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

Hebrews 8:10b

Only a test

If you want to date me,
and we've talked much at all,
I've probably asked you a lot
about your interests and activities
because I want to get to know you better.
Not too long in I will send you a link
to something I wrote that I'm proud of.
It will take less than 5 minutes to read.
You don't have to love it.
You just have to read it.
This is a test...
It is only a test.

When I wrote just a month ago about a new relationship that I was really hoping would work out, I was already seeing signs it might not. That was one of them that followed soon after. I sent a link to a post that was important to me, and I explained why. He still didn't read it. It wasn't the problem, just a symptom.

I mentioned that I was worried about turning my fear of failure into a self-fulfilling prophesy. It turns out, sometimes people are just complicated and don't know how to communicate well. That's okay. I made a lot of new friends during that couple of months and that is what I'm choosing to focus on.

Right after I told him it wasn't working out, I participated in a motivational conference as a vendor. One of the speakers there said,

"You have to surround yourself with good people. 

Someone can be good, but not good for you.
You will be too much for some people... Those aren't your people."
-Ingrid Beyhl

It turns out, I am too much for some people. For the right one, I won't be. I'd rather wait a little longer for him than keep trying to make things work with someone who isn't all in. Life is too short for that.

Thankfully, in the process this last time, I met a lot of other good people. <3

I told someone else this last week that with the exception of that fact that I can't seem to find a man who isn't a jerk, doesn't need rescued, or isn't some combination of the two... my life is pretty great right now. I'm pretty happy with how things are going. My bills are paid and work is flowing well. I need to find more time to write, but I'm working on that too. Most importantly, I know who I am. I may forget sometimes, but only for a moment. Then I remind myself, dust myself off, and keep going...

I'll be sharing my previous post as a speech at my next Toastmasters' meeting. I'm really looking forward to it! If you aren't familiar with Toastmasters, feel free to ask! It a great thing to be involved with!

I don't have anything life-changing or ultra-encouraging to share this time, but sometimes a post like this gets things out and opens the floodgates for something more meaningful. Sometimes I write things like this that I think nobody will get anything from and I hear later how much it touched someone in an unexpected way. 

One of the ways I remind myself who I am, is by reading this to myself... also, I have this new shirt I love that says FEARLESS on it... definitely working on being that more often. 

Are your arms crossed?

Would you be surprised to know that I'm stubborn? It's true. I can admit it.

One of the perks of serving at church is that I usually get there before the parking team. Meaning, nobody gets to tell me I can't park wherever I want. Sometimes I drive 'in' the way marked 'out' to avoid being directed to a certain spot.

Ask my daughter who watched us all eat ice cream last week during family movie night because she refused to eat anything green with her meal how stubborn I am. She actually spit the salad in the trash and said, "Not worth it." I guess she's a little stubborn too.

I could go on and on with examples of my stubbornness. In some ways it helps me and has kept me from walking away from my business and the plans God has for me. In others, it has made my life so much more difficult.

It was August 2012 when I went into my part-time job and excitedly declared, "I found an apartment, finally!" I was so happy, I was telling everyone who would listen. In the break room, at lunch, I sat with my food and told another person about the apartment. Someone from across the table said, "Oh, are you moving away?"

"No." I responded, "My kids and I have been living at the camp grounds for six months. We finally have a place to live again."

Several people turned and looked at me as I said it. One of them asked, "You've been homeless this whole summer? Why didn't you tell anyone?"

Honestly, I didn't know. Probably for the same reason I didn't go back home and try to live with my mom or ask any of my family for help getting into an apartment.

Stubborn pride.

While part of me was angry at the people who had "helped" get me there and desperately wanted to be rescued, another part of me undoubtedly believed I deserved to be there and had to pull myself out again to prove that I was not useless or worthless. If I had help, then it wouldn't have been ME who did it.

I recently read the story of the attack on Israel in the wilderness by the Amalek. (Exodus 17:8-13) When the Israelite army went to fight them, Moses stood on top of the hill and lifted his arms towards Heaven. Any time his arms started to fall, the Amalek would prevail. When he kept his arms up, the Israelites would start winning again.

Eventually, Moses' arms became tired. So, in order to keep his arms up, Moses's brother Aaron and their friend Hur, each took a side and held his arms up in the air for him until Israel won over Amalek.

It would take a lot of humility for a grown man to let his friends hold his own arms up for him. What if Moses had fought off his friends and said, "I can handle this! If God wants me to do this, then He will equip me. I don't need your help." I don't know that the outcome would have been the same. At the very least, the battle would have lasted much longer and had many more negative consequences when Israel finally won.

Looking back at our time of being homeless, I wonder how many friends God had in place to hold up my arms during that battle who never got the chance. I wonder how many people would have jumped in to help, if they knew what was going on. I later found out most of my extended friends and family didn't know what had happened until long after we had moved to an apartment. Neither did most of my church family.

While I'm thankful for the help I did receive along the way, and the miracles God did for me. I see now that I likely prolonged our battle with my own stubborn pride.

Nobody could hold my arms for me because I had them crossed stubbornly across my chest. My "I will do this my way" attitude likely extended our battle and left us all with more scars than we otherwise would have sustained... and just like with Moses in the battle with the Amalek, in the end, it wasn't ME who did it at all... it was God.

God has put people around you to hold you up during this battle you are in too. Look around and see how many people love you and want to help.

Ask them. Tell them your arms are tired. Then, LISTEN to what they tell you. The Holy Spirit often speaks through others when the roar of your pride drowns out His voice inside of you.

Humble yourself before the Lord and he will exalt you.

James 4:10 ESV

Where there is strife, there is pride,

but wisdom is found in those who take advice.

Proverbs 13:10 NIV

Where there is no guidance, a people falls,

but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.

Proverbs 11:14 ESV

Grace wins

Facebook memories.

What happened on this day in the history of your life?

This post came through mine this morning.

The most amazing thing to me today is that I was preaching forgiveness when I didn't have a very good grasp on it myself.

I thought I did. I thought I understood well. Here is proof that I was living it out, wasn't I?

But I know what my spiritual life looked like then. I was giving it to others and trying to live it out, without completely accepting it for myself.

I had no idea how much God really desired for me to embrace grace... but I look back on a lot of these memories that come through my news feed and am amazed at how God was laying the framework for me to fully understand... just when I needed it most.

"Forgiveness is a powerful thing. It might possibly change the life of the person you give it to, but it will absolutely, 100% change your life every single time."

Grace wins.

Absolutely.

100%

Every. Single. Time.

Learning to forgive others is often the first step to understanding how to forgive yourself and how to accept the fact that God has already forgiven you for what you have done, what you're doing now, and what you will do in the future. It's already forgiven. 

You have been made righteous through Jesus Christ. God said it. Believe Him and forgive yourself. You've been set free... don't continue to be a slave.

What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 

By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?

~Romans 6:1-2

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.

~Galatians 5:13

But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness.

~Romans 6:17-18

Hope

Today I met Jay for the second time.

Standing on the same corner as before, holding a similar sign, Jay didn't make eye contact, or even look up when I drove through the intersection. I did see him lift his eyes enough to read the sign on the side of my car. I wondered for a brief second if he remembered me.

About six weeks ago I stopped at that same corner to give a guy with a sign a few dollars. I asked his name and told him things would get better, that God wanted better for him. Jay told me thank you. That he had been clean and sober a number of months, but he needed to get by until he found a job and got an apartment.

When I saw him today, I went to the next closest restaurant and bought him a small gift card. I also took one of my "Who Am I?" cards and wrote a note to him on the back telling him that God wants more for him than he can even imagine right now... that Jesus loves him and I do too.

I returned, but Jay was gone from his previous spot. Disappointed, I thought, "This is what You wanted me to do, God, right? Didn't You put him right in front of me again for a reason?"

Looking both ways, so I could drive off, I saw Jay was actually walking down the street right towards me, eyes still directed at the ground. I waited until he got closer. When I realized he intended to walk around me without looking up and rolled down my window and called out to him.

"Jay! What happened? I thought you had a place lined up."

"The job didn't work out. I have a record and no license. It will though. I'll find something."

"When I saw you over there I wanted to get you something and let you know I remember you. I'm still praying." Then I handed him the things I had for him.

I know some people will call me gullible, an easy mark. Some would say that I had no idea if he was lying or telling the truth about anything. He could still trade a gift card for drugs or alcohol. He could throw that note I gave him away without even reading it.

But in that moment, when I handed him the things and he dove through my rolled-down window without warning to give me a hug and say a smiling thank you, I knew I had done the right thing.

I'm not writing about this because I believe I did anything special. I'm telling you because you have opportunities to bring people hope every single day.

You don't have to be able to give someone a job or fix their life. You don't have to go broke trying to rescue somebody. A moment of kindness can give them hope... and that hope may be just what they need to get through another day.

And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, 

all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ 

 The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 

No other commandment is greater than these.”

~Mark 12:30-31

A better promise

More than two and a half years ago, I started this blog as a way to work through my issues and hold myself accountable for all the promises I was making to God as I tried to pull my life back together.

Promise after promise is what I would make, and ultimately fail to keep, over and over. I thought the blog would help me with that, make me accountable and help me stop the seemingly unending cycle of "Promise, fail, confess, repent, promise, fail, and so on..."

Look at those phrases that I underlined. I was working so hard... and still failing... because I didn't understand how to let Him handle it. I kept trying to do it in my own strength.

On some level, I really thought that
this is what God does! 

Not only that, but I was doing it all to please Him, to appease Him, because I knew it was "the right thing." He had been blessing me, and while those blessings were completely unearned, I continued to try to earn them... or at least do what I could to make sure He didn't take them back! My lack of understanding was holding me back more than anything else. 

As I spend more time with Him, immersing myself in the Gospel of Grace, I can't help but see how much I was missing the mark in my promises, because I was focusing on my part of the struggle. Thankfully, over the last several months, that has changed for me. I am learning that He IS the good, gracious, loving God I had always wanted to serve. I am learning how to rest in Him. I am learning to let go.

I don't always get it right. I can't promise you won't pull this up and see a particularly human blog post about "poor me" any time soon, but you can be sure that if you do, it's not because my trust in Jesus or God's grace has wavered at all... only my focus.

I'm very happy to say that, looking back over the last couple of years, there is a difference in this blog...especially the last several months. I'm excited to keep writing and see how it changes more as my relationship with Him continues to grow.

Promise after promise from one of the most fallible people I know (me)... that was often hard to write about. Whether it was all completely necessary or not, God has used it all for good, and I am grateful!

Promise after promise from a God of grace... that is something I look forward to writing more about.

If God’s promise is only for those who obey the law, 

then faith is not necessary and the promise is pointless.

~Romans 4:14

He made heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them. 

He keeps every promise forever.

~Psalms 146:6

God also bound himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise 

could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind.

~Hebrews 6:17

And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. 

You are his heirs, and God’s promise to Abraham belongs to you.

~Galatians 3:29

Out with the old... 

In with the new...

Not about the chains

Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening. Suddenly, there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off!

Acts 16:25-26

It was dark in the jail cell. So dark, in fact, that the guard had to call for a light to check on the prisoners. The darkness couldn't hide the filth of the jail. The smell was rank. Being underground made it easy for waste and rodents to accumulate. Even the guards didn't want to be there. Only the poorest, lowest-ranking guards were assigned to this place.

One can barely imagine, these days, what a place like that really must be like, much less how anyone who ended up there through no fault of their own could stand it for even a short time. Paul and Silas were there after being unjustly beaten and chained into the stocks. In fact, the punishment was so undeserved that the Roman government tried to let them go quietly the next day. They refused to leave that way and were actually apologized to by the officials, who then asked them again to leave the city.

What happened the night they were in jail, specifically in those two verses, says a lot about the way we should handle our own negative situations, the chains that are binding us.

Focus on Jesus

First, note that Paul and Silas were UNJUSTLY imprisoned. Yet, did they continuously call for the guards or the government officials? Did they complain about their imprisonment while locked in the stocks? Did they tell their story over and over, hoping for some cell-mates or the guard to be on their side? There is no note or mention of Paul and Silas complaining about anything. What does it say they DID do? 

"Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God..." 

They didn't focus on what was holding them down. They already had faith that He would work things out for the good of those who loved Him. So, what was left to do? Rest in His presence with prayer and praise, beginning early and continuing until the earth quaked at midnight.

Keep Singing

How long were Silas and Paul singing before the chains fell off?

"Around midnight..."

What are the chances that this pair had just started their singing when the earth began to quake? If you've spent the day in a dark, filthy prison, does midnight seem like the time of day you'd feel like striking up a song? 

When surrounded by negativity, it is easy to feel despair yourself. As night fell and hopelessness set in for many of the prisoners, Paul and Silas knew that to keep hopelessness from setting in for themselves as well, they had to fight the best way they knew how: Prayer and praise. 

What would have happened if there had been no change to the situation? If their imprisonment had gone on for days or weeks, would they have stopped praying and singing? While they spent this one night in prison, Paul actually spent a total of about 6 years of his ministry in prison. He wrote between eight and thirteen books of the New Testament, depending on who you ask, many of them from prison. I don't doubt they would have continued to sing, even if their miracle hadn't come that night.

Who is watching you?

There were others in the jail with Paul and Silas. While some of them may have been imprisoned unjustly as well, there were likely thieves, murders, and outlaws of all kinds mixed in. Yet, Paul and Silas didn't spend their time preaching to the other prisoners. They didn't order them to repent or to confess anything. They didn't tell them, "Pray with us and be saved!" They knew that nothing they said would make an impact for the other prisoners. The other prisoners merely listened as Paul and Silas dealt with their own burdens in praise and prayer... and what happened?

"the chains of every prisoner fell off"

When you focus on Jesus instead of your struggles, instead of the injustices dealt to you, instead of your chains... it not only impacts you. It impacts those who see it. Your praise could be the thing that breaks the chains of those around you.

But How?

How in the world could anyone go through what Paul and Silas went through... or what you are going through right now... and continue to pray and praise the Lord? 

Paul knew who he was in Christ, trusting Him fully. Paul also knew what understanding that would do for you as well.

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. 

Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 

~Ephesians 3:17

That trust grows as you turn your focus towards Jesus. Stop focusing on the chains and focus on Jesus. The more you know Him, the easier that becomes. You have to know that He wants only good for you.

He sees you sitting in the dark, feeling chained to the floor. He knows what you need and want. He knows how you feel. Know this... He will break the chains. And when He does it, you will feel them break, but you won't see it happen... because your eyes will be on Jesus.

When I don't understand

There is a song we sing at church that I love:

 "When I don't understand, I will choose You.
When I don't understand, I will choose to You, God.
When I don't understand, I will choose to love You, God."

If you ask the average Christian,
they would probably agree with that statement:

"Of course! We should always turn to God, even when 

we are in circumstances we don't understand."

I would have said it myself, back when we were homeless. Or, even before that, when I was making one bad choice after another. But did I really choose Him every time? What does that look like for someone to choose Him in the face of something they don't understand?

Countless times I have fallen into my bed crying. Feeling defeated by Satan, upset at something not going the way I expected, asking God what I did wrong to make it happen the way it did, or why He didn't want the same thing I wanted. Often, I just sulked. The disappointment would zap the energy from my body, sometimes rendering me useless for the night.

"It's not fair God! I trust You, I do... but why...? 

When will ______ change? What are You going to do here?" 

That doesn't really sound like trust though, does it? That doesn't sound like choosing Him. It sounds like getting stuck with no other options so, "I guess I'll see what God is going to do."

As I've gotten to know the real God more, as opposed to the one I thought I knew, I've noticed this happens less and less. Even in disappointment, I can say, "I don't understand, but I choose to trust You."

I know that I love and serve a God who heals. This week when the healing that I was believing for didn't come when I expected it, I took it pretty hard. I came home and made a beeline for my bed. I could feel the energy draining from my as I messaged a friend who prayed for me at that moment.

A little bit at a time I started to feel a little peace. It was just enough to pull myself out of bed and run payroll for my business. Then I went to the bank, and grabbed dinner on the way home. Before long I was messaging the friend to tell him I was feeling better.

My youngest has to have her tonsils out. It's not usually a big deal for most children, but it can be for children with Hurler's Syndrome, which is what she has. I had reason to believe she was going to be healed before our appointment. I believed we were going to go in and the doctor was going to say, "Amazing! They are normal sized again! No surgery needed!"

It didn't happen that way, and I don't know why. Her surgery is scheduled for the end of October and includes time in the hospital before and after for testing and monitoring, and, according to the doctors, up to two weeks out of school.

Do I understand why surgery is still "on" as of now? No.
But I absolutely believe Lauren's healing can come before then.
Even if it doesn't, I will still choose to trust Him.
What does fully trusting Him look like?
I'm still not sure that I know completely. But I'm working on it.

Surely he has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed him stricken,

smitten by God, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions;

he was crushed for our iniquities;

upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with his wounds we are healed.

~Isaiah 53:4-5

I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, 

and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.

-John 14:12

More on God's gift of healing can be found here: http://www.awmi.net/reading/teaching-articles/healing_knowledge/

What are you doing?

What are you doing to be a good Christian?

Die to yourself daily.
Make good choices.
Stop sinning.
Love one another.
Forgive.
Feed the poor.
Serve.
Be perfect.

It seems like Jesus sure expects a lot from us.

I don't know about you,
but I think that list sounds exhausting.
Reading that does not give me joy.
Reading that is depressing.
I can't do those things.
That does not sound like Good News.

If you agree, I do have some actual Good News for you.

Living a Christian life isn't really about DOING anything.

People see that list and are discouraged, I was.
Nobody can do all of that. Nobody can be perfect.

People lose heart because of all the stuff
they feel like they have to do to be a good Christian,
to be acceptable in God's sight.

But really, those changes to your life will be the natural fruit of your walk with Him.

If you are making choices to change the way you behave
and are only doing so through your own effort,
you will fail the moment your human effort gives out.

Spending time with Him,
really getting to know Him,
understanding who He made you to be...
it will make the parts of you that don't reflect Him wither away.
It won't be as difficult as it seems because you won't want them anymore.

And when that happens, you will realize
that the change really did happen in His strength,
and you couldn't have done it on your own anyway.

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people.

It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, 

and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.
~Titus 2:11-12 (Emphasis mine)

(In other words, stop relying on yourself to get it right and rely on the grace of God!)

Convincing arguments

One of my kids recently asked me what she could say to convince someone who doesn't believe in God to start believing.

I told her the truth: Nothing. 

Your words alone won't convince anyone of anything. Your actions are what make an impact. Your words will plant seeds, but for someone to change the way they believe they have to look at your life and say:

I want to live like that.

I want to have that kind of peace.
I want the joy that you have.

That's why it's important to remember that making dumb choices after you are saved is not going to keep you from Heaven... but it isn't going to get your friends there either.

Simple and too the point. You are always leading by example, even when you don't think you are the leader. People will know your heart by your actions. Whether they see Jesus in those actions or not is up to you.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, 

faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23 NLT

 
A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.
Matthew 7:18 NLT

Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.
John 13:35 NLT

Best drive ever

My oldest daughter and I were driving this morning when the subject of grace and forgiveness came up. I mentioned how it bothers me when people say one must confess their sins and ask for forgiveness to be forgiven for something. It's a common teaching, but not Biblical under the New Covenant. Jesus himself didn't require it in the Bible.

She admitted she's still trying to wrap her brain around that one because that's what we've heard for so many years. Then she went into a story about how scary it was, years ago during a youth group sermon (at a previous church) when the teacher told them all that harboring unforgiveness would keep them from Heaven... whether they were Christians or not.

I was horrified. "They actually said that? You know now that it isn't true, right?"

She said yes, but didn't seem convinced.

"You are thinking about the verse where Jesus says,

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15 

...right?"

She was.

I explained to her that things in the Bible have to be read in context. Jesus was preaching the law to people who followed the law... that's what he did. He wasn't giving that command to us who are no longer under the law.

Then I stopped and came at it from a different direction. "If unforgiveness is a sin and God won't forgive us for harboring it, then God himself is sinning by harboring unforgiveness toward us... right? Can God sin?"

Relief swept over me as I saw the light bulb come on for her. She said, "Talking to you about this stuff makes me a lot less terrified."

My breath caught in my throat. Terrified. Her word. I almost cried.

She's right. Reading that verse as a command to us today IS TERRIFYING. Why would a God who loves us so much that He sent His son to die for us want us to walk around in fear that we might not be getting it right?

He doesn't.

Jesus came so that we could have life, and have it abundantly. (John 10:10) He did not come so that we could sit around miserable, picking apart our every move and motive, wondering if we were going to make it in, wondering if we were being good enough.

We don't have to wonder. Here's the answer to that question... We aren't. We aren't good enough to get in. We can't do enough right things. We can't live sinless lives. We are not good enough.... except for one thing... GRACE.

Not grace plus good behavior.

Not grace plus forgiveness to others.

Not grace plus serving at church.

It was already given to us.

Nothing we can do changes that.

You know what that is to me? Good News.

After this conversation with my daughter, she told me that out of the friends she had been hanging out with the day before, she was the only one who can say her mom is also her friend.

Best drive to work ever.

 Jesus told them, “This is the only work God wants from you: 

Believe in the one he has sent.” 

~John 6:29 NLT

Don't laugh

My calves have identical bruises. 

Their death grip
on the bike's speakers
kept me from flying
off of the motorcycle
I'd hopped on the back of
one evening this weekend.

Thankfully I wasn't injured later,
when I fell on my butt
and managed to almost
knock the bike over while
trying to get off of it
without first asking how.

It's weird that I would do something like that, because usually I'm so graceful.

Stop laughing ... I can be graceful.

Years ago I told my oldest that I wanted a motorcycle. She said no. She pointed out that I could barely drive a car safely and that makes a motorcycle a really dumb idea for a mom of four. She won that round. But at least I finally got to ride one this weekend for the first time since I was a kid.

So much is going on these days. I'm excited and exhausted at the same time. I definitely don't have the energy to write anything real at the moment.

I just had to check in.
When I don't write,
I know some of you worry.
Okay, maybe not.

One more thing...
It wasn't a joke.
Stop laughing.

I really can be graceful.

:-P

Being alone

Healed of my codependency,
I've been working hard to curb
the needy habits that codependency caused.
It is becoming easier and easier.

I'm encouraged by a huge reduction in
depression, tears, exhaustion, frustration
that used to flare up regularly due to
my own unmet hopes and expectations.

The biggest change, one that I expected
and have been looking forward to the most,
has not happened yet. I've spent time trying
to figure it out, but I'm still confused.

I can't figure out if God is waiting
to fix this part of me too, until I manage
to learn some important lessons here
or if this is just how He made me.

I still don't like being alone.

I enjoy being around people.
People energize and inspire me.
I may talk too much sometimes, but
meaningful conversation is something I crave.

I don't just want friends to lean on.
I want friends who are comfortable
with leaning on me, asking me for help
or saying hello for no reason at all.

I've honestly felt lately that my desire
to not be single could be ignored, possibly
(maybe) even satisfied, if I could manage
to cultivate some close friendships.

Is there something about myself I don't see
that keeps this from happening?
I actually asked someone recently, who said no.
But she and I don't really hang out either.

Am I bitchy? Whiny? Too opinionated?
Do I complain too much? Do I hog the conversation?

Am I a bad listener? Do I seem insincere?
Maybe I ask too many questions?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not doubting my worth here.
God thinks I'm awesome, of that I'm sure.
I just wish He'd clue some other people in
and then point me in the right direction.

Mama's joke

"Come over here young lady!" said the woman sitting in the collapsible chair near the curb. Our group stopped, and the girl she was pointing at moved a little closer, but not too close.

"No," said the woman, "Come over here." This time a little more stern, but still with a friendly smile.

Mira's hesitation was understandable for someone who was new to the group. We were standing on a crowded sidewalk in Los Angeles, in an area known as Skid Row. While we were told it had been a "calm day" out on the street, we had already seen illegal drugs, domestic violence, gambling, and heartbreaking poverty.

The thing is, Mira* wasn't new to the group, I was. In town for a long weekend with my brother, I had contacted the Dream Center to ask for a tour and to see if I could serve anywhere. They gladly let me go to one of the saddest and scariest places in L.A. and hand out hot dogs and cold water.

Maybe Mira was just being careful, but when the woman called to us for a third time, I walked right over and stood just a few inches from her. She smiled and said, "What do you call a dog with no legs?"
Confused, I asked, "What?"
"What do you call a dog with no legs?"
"I don't think I know."
"It doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't coming!" When I laughed she pointed at Mira and told me, "Now you go tell her that joke. Tell her it is from Mama. That girl needs to smile more. Her smile is a gift! She needs to use it!"

That's when it dawned on me what was going on. Mama saw us out there ministering to people on Skid Row and Mama thought maybe Mira needed a joke to remind her to smile.

I told her thank you and then added,  "Now I have one for you."
"How do you know when a farmer is good at his job?"
"I don't know," she said thoughtfully, "When he brings in a lot of crops?"
"How about when he's out-standing in his field?"

Mama's grin was huge. "That is a good one. I'm adding that one to my arsenal!" she declared as she put out her hand for a fist bump. As I walked away with the group, glancing over to see Mira working a little harder to keep a smile on her face, Mama called out to us, "Have a blessed day!"

What an awesome reminder Mama was!
It doesn't matter what you have or don't have.
Use what God gives you to serve others.

Whether it is an arsenal of jokes or a simple smile, God wants you to use it to touch people. And if you aren't using it, He just might send someone to remind you. :-)

For the poor shall never cease out of the land: therefore I command you, saying, you shall open your hand wide unto your brother, to your poor, and to your needy, in your land.
~Deuteronomy 15:11

*True story, but name changed

I only took a few pictures that day, but I wanted people to see where we were and what the Dream Center does there. I will definitely look for an opportunity to go back.

Learning from failure

A couple of weeks ago I was trying to come up with a metaphor and asked my oldest daughter, "What is something that dies quickly?" Her answer, "Your relationships?"

Ouch.

(Just laugh. It's okay. I did at the time!)

I saw this not long after...

Now, to be fair, I'm nowhere near 10,000! but I'm thinking I should apply this quote to relationships.

As much I hate being single, as much as I want to get married again, I am finding out that there are traits that I won't "put up with" for the sake of being in a relationship. With each "failure" I am learning what I want and need from the man who will someday be my husband... and I'm learning not to settle... making myself speak up, even if I'm afraid it will end things.

Even though I know my worth in Jesus, I'm quickly realizing that making others see it isn't so easy. If it was, I wouldn't even have to say these things. I'm not talking about any one person either...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you don't want to be seen in public with me,
If you can't hold my hand where people can see,
If you wouldn't sit with me at church,

If you won't promise not to lie to me,
If your heart isn't ready to commit fully,
If you aren't excited to talk to me today,

If you can't accept my past and love who I am now,
If you refuse to see the silver linings,
If you are only after one thing,

If you still wish you could have her back,
    either as she was or as you thought she was,
If you only think about me when you are feeling
     hungry, angry, lonely or tired...
Then don't start anything with me.

I won't stop standing up for myself.
I may do it through tears and apologies,
because it is still hard for me to do, but
I know what I want, and I know who I am.

I dream big and love without reserve.
I'll fall hard and fast, and say what you will...
I don't ever expect that to change.

If you can't be on board with that,
save us both the heartache, because
I don't want to learn any more ways that won't work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do I think anyone that this applies to actually reads my blog? No. But it is all still worth saying.
 
I prayed for direction in that post I put up about a new relationship and things took a rough turn today. For now at least, I think I have that direction. 

Waiting is so much easier said than done, but I have to believe it will be worth it in the end.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint.

~Isaiah 40:31

When you care...

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
John 15:12-13

Three years

A phone app called Timehop gives me a "This Day in History" for my life from my social media accounts. The posts range from funny to embarrassing to sad. Three years ago this week my kids and I moved to the local camp grounds for six months. What I tried to sell to them as an 'adventure' ended up being something only God could get us out of. Those posts are hard to read.

Most of the Timehop posts would seem fairly normal to those who were on the outside of the situation. But I can read between the lines of the posts. I lived between those lines.

I didn't realize it at the time, but even when I posted the words "in His own time," I didn't really care what His plan or timing was... because I had my own. I called my will His and cared mostly about what people could see. I didn't know I wasn't relying on God, but I did know that as long as I said I was, I couldn't be wrong.

Three years ago this week, my van caught fire while I was driving down the road. Ruptured fuel line. Amazing that the van didn't explode. Burns marked the pavement for over a year afterwards. The tow truck driver compassionately left my payment to him in the van's cup holder. Unless they read this, very few people know to this day that it happened only minutes after I left the casino where I blew $200 while praying for God to get me out of our mess.

 The fuel line ruptured between the second and third rows. 

Thankful I didn't have kids with me in the van.

The pile of stuff in the road on the right is Girl Scout Cookies.
They tried to save them, but were unsuccessful.

Three years ago today, my then six-year-old daughter had knee surgery. I had to get a ride to the hospital since my van was totaled. I don't remember how we got there now. Afterwards, her doctor considered keeping her over night as a precaution, but I decided we should go home. I wonder now if they would have insisted had they known where we were living.

I haven't yet decided if I'm happy to get these daily reminders from TimeHop, but it is very clear we have come a long way. Three years ago today I would have laughed if anyone had told me that I was going to run my own company and speak publicly about the things He's done for us.

Yet, here we are...

People say "Everything happens for a reason." I don't believe God planned all of this to happen so that I could be where I am. I do believe He let me make my own choices and, once I turned to Him for help, wove them together into something amazing.

And we know that God causes everything to work together 

 for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

~Romans 8:28