Friday, September 18, 2015

When I don't understand

There is a song we sing at church that I love:

 "When I don't understand, I will choose You.
When I don't understand, I will choose to You, God.
When I don't understand, I will choose to love You, God."

If you ask the average Christian,
they would probably agree with that statement:

"Of course! We should always turn to God, even when 
we are in circumstances we don't understand."

I would have said it myself, back when we were homeless. Or, even before that, when I was making one bad choice after another. But did I really choose Him every time? What does that look like for someone to choose Him in the face of something they don't understand?

Countless times I have fallen into my bed crying. Feeling defeated by Satan, upset at something not going the way I expected, asking God what I did wrong to make it happen the way it did, or why He didn't want the same thing I wanted. Often, I just sulked. The disappointment would zap the energy from my body, sometimes rendering me useless for the night.

"It's not fair God! I trust You, I do... but why...? 
When will ______ change? What are You going to do here?" 

That doesn't really sound like trust though, does it? That doesn't sound like choosing Him. It sounds like getting stuck with no other options so, "I guess I'll see what God is going to do."

As I've gotten to know the real God more, as opposed to the one I thought I knew, I've noticed this happens less and less. Even in disappointment, I can say, "I don't understand, but I choose to trust You."

I know that I love and serve a God who heals. This week when the healing that I was believing for didn't come when I expected it, I took it pretty hard. I came home and made a beeline for my bed. I could feel the energy draining from my as I messaged a friend who prayed for me at that moment.

A little bit at a time I started to feel a little peace. It was just enough to pull myself out of bed and run payroll for my business. Then I went to the bank, and grabbed dinner on the way home. Before long I was messaging the friend to tell him I was feeling better.

My youngest has to have her tonsils out. It's not usually a big deal for most children, but it can be for children with Hurler's Syndrome, which is what she has. I had reason to believe she was going to be healed before our appointment. I believed we were going to go in and the doctor was going to say, "Amazing! They are normal sized again! No surgery needed!"

It didn't happen that way, and I don't know why. Her surgery is scheduled for the end of October and includes time in the hospital before and after for testing and monitoring, and, according to the doctors, up to two weeks out of school.

Do I understand why surgery is still "on" as of now? No.
But I absolutely believe Lauren's healing can come before then.
Even if it doesn't, I will still choose to trust Him.
What does fully trusting Him look like?
I'm still not sure that I know completely. But I'm working on it.

Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.
~Isaiah 53:4-5

I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, 
and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.
-John 14:12

More on God's gift of healing can be found here:

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