Friend

It was strange seeing the marker board at the hospital yesterday. My name, phone number, and under 'relationship', the word, FRIEND.

Now, I understand the practicality of it. I'm his daughter's mom.  If something happens, I need to know. But the fact that this person who expends more energy hating me than doing any other thing has a sign in his room with the word "friend" next to my name was a good kind of weird. 

I prayed it was prophetic.

While I don't expect to ever be meeting him out for coffee and chatting about our day like I would with other friends, I can't help but want good things for him. 

Lauren adores him. If there is no other reason in the world, that one is enough. The joy she had when we both attended her musical last month and sat at the same table at an after-party was obvious. We even got pictures of the three of us.

There are plenty of other reasons, too. I believe God creates everyone with something to offer the world. What we do with what we've been given is our own choice. But, if you don't understand the loving nature of God and the grace He's given you, making the right choice can be difficult.

Hurt people hurt people. 

I wrote once about collateral damage in dealing with other people. I said, "you can't yell at a drowning man for splashing water on you while trying to figure out how to save himself." 

Sometimes though, that drowning man has convinced himself that if he throws enough water on you, the ocean will be shallow enough for him to stand. 

I fought that water for years. It took a long time, but eventually I learned that as long as I'm in the boat, the water can't really hurt me. It's just water. 

The grace that taught me that, also taught me forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing.

I hope someday he'll see what a friend I really am and how much love, compassion, and confidence in God's grace it takes to stand at the bedside of someone who viciously blames you for everything that is wrong with their life in new and shocking ways on a regular basis, and offer to pray for them.

For his sake and Lauren's both, I hope it happens soon.
I would very much love to one day not think twice about being referred to as his friend.

¹²My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. ¹⁴You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. John 15:12-15

Cool Enough

I once told a guy I was dating

we were only still together
because he hadn't figured out

he was too cool for me yet.

It turns out I was wrong.

I'm way cooler than I thought.

And don't tell me it isn't cool

to say cool anymore.
If it isn't,

I'll just bring it back.

I'm cool enough to do that.

-Me

More than enough

Last week I laughingly told a couple of friends about a thought that had come to me, "I am the main character in every cheesy movie about a 55-year-old-plus divorcee or widow who went out to find herself...."

I've gained a deeper understanding of my faith. Dated a couple of wildly opposite guys. Figured out I can be happy and single at the same time. Changed my hair. Lost some weight. Started working out again. Traveled. Went paragliding. Found a love of live music. Started a really fun new hobby. And I even went to a paint night regardless of the fact that I can't draw a straight line with a ruler. The change has been gradual, and isn't finished... but I'm so much more confident in myself than I've ever been.

I laughed when I shared it,"All that is left is for me to accept being single for the rest of my life and find a retirement home that will let me move in and paint sunflowers all day."

It was mostly a joke. I wasn't retiring or painting or giving up on what I want for my future. I just thought it was funny. Mostly. But not completely. I didn't exactly like identifying with women 20+ years my age... even if they were just movie characters.

It's funny how one comment can change your mindset. One friend surprised me by saying, "Well, you're way ahead. I was much older before I had that kind of confidence."

Wait. What?

My perspective of my "main character" status changed instantly. I'm not old before my time. I've been blessed with wisdom and confidence that many woman struggle to receive. I'm not ready to retire. I'm ready to live.

I went to an amazing conference this weekend with 24,000 women from around the world. If I had gone last year, I would have sat in my seat and waited patiently for sessions to begin. I probably wouldn't have wandered around offering to take group pictures of women with their cell phones. I definitely wouldn't have had the nerve to take selfies with their phones in the process! (I hope finding those pictures of me made them laugh!)

In previous years I would have enjoyed praise and worship with Chris Tomlin, Michael W. Smith, and Cece Winans from my seat. This year I joined the pre-session dance party on Friday and then decided to join the women who were praising from right in front of the stage. It was a completely different worship experience. And guess what else... nobody thought I didn't belong up there with them.

A few months ago I was afraid to go to a bar alone, even to meet friends for karaoke or see a band. I couldn't bring myself walk up to order at a crowded bar, knowing people would know I didn't belong there. The anxiety I felt over these things was ridiculous.

I've gone to different places to see live bands several times now, and nobody has ever even given me a sideways look... much less questioned my right to be there. I've quickly come to realize that the thing that was most holding me back... was me.

All of those times I was afraid to step out because of what someone might think, I was telling myself that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't smart enough, cool enough, funny enough, pretty enough, didn't have enough rhythm... didn't have whatever it was that I thought others had. I wasn't enough.

Here's what I've had to ask myself: Who am I to think I'm not enough, when Someone already told me I am? God knows what I can do... so why should anyone else's opinion matter?

How about you? What situations do you find yourself in that you slowly back away from because you know you aren't enough to be there? Where do you not bother to give your input? How often do you see someone doing something and think, "That looks fun. I wish I could do that!"

Who are you to think you are not enough, when God already told you that you are?  

In Jeremiah 1:5, God told Jeremiah, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."

God's words to Jeremiah tell us that God knew we were enough before we were even born. The things we perceive about ourselves have nothing to do with our ability to carry out the plans God has for us. Keep reading Jeremiah and apply what God tells him to your life. You'll see that even when you don't have confidence in you, God does.

God created you to do those good things you are afraid to do, but He won't make you do them. It's the enemy that feeds you the lies that make you shrink back and give up those things you were destined to do. Talk to that stranger. Write that book. Sing that song. Start that company. Volunteer for that position. Hug that person who looks sad. Speak up for that person who needs someone to have their back. Take some time to take care of yourself.

You'll still end up in Heaven if you don't ever learn this... but you'll enjoy your time on Earth a heck of a lot more if you do.

You are more than enough. 

You are awesome. 

You were created for this!  

Not a command, a promise

She stood in one place staring at the ground, 

wishing her glare alone would be enough 

to make a hole open up and swallow her. 

At that moment, she knew death was certain anyway. 

It wasn't death she was trying to avoid. 

It was the public humiliation.

The men holding her called out for the religious teacher

as if they actually cared about what she had done or his opinion.

"Teacher, this woman has been caught..."

She knew she was being made a example of

for some other purpose. It didn't matter.

"in the act of adultery."

Too humiliated to even cry,

She could feel her soul crumbling within her.

"The Law of Moses commanded us to stone such women..." 

Such women, the words sunk in. 

They might as well have called her garbage.

Even if they had let her live, she would be an outcast,
considered good for only one thing.

She was broken, and ready to die.

"So what do you say?" 

She waited an eternity for his answer.

At one point, she raised her gaze just a bit

half expecting to see a stone hurtling towards her.

Instead, she saw the teacher bent towards the ground,

writing in the dirt with his fingers

as they continued to badger him for an answer.

When he finally spoke, his voice rocked her to her core.

"Let him who is without sin among you 

be the first to throw a stone at her." 

and at that moment, she felt the faintest strain of hope.

The teacher continued to write in the dirt

as confusion swirled within her. 

What was he saying? It made no sense. 

She knew she had done wrong,

she knew the punishment that was coming.

she knew she deserved it.

But the men holding her there, began letting go.

They started walking away... one at a time.

She was still watching him write in the dirt

when he suddenly looked up and caught her gaze.

Without breaking eye contact, he stood up.

"Woman, where are they?
Has no one condemned you?" 

"No one, Lord." 

And Jesus said, 

          "Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more." 

~John 8:3-11 

Those last five words always stuck in my throat.

"Go and sin no more."

Many hear those words as a commandment. Sure you are forgiven, but God still expects you to work hard to keep up your end of the bargain, right?

That's what I believed.

I had heard it preached so many times... and I just knew I couldn't do it. So I didn't. Every time I did something I knew was wrong, the guilt/shame spiral that followed led me right back to the thing that I knew was hurting me. But I also knew I deserved it. I was shackling myself to those hurtful things, letting them define me and who I was.

The day that Jesus broke those chains for me by showing me how much He loved me, without any conditions or caveats on my behavior, was the best day of my life. That's why I identify with this story. I was never an adulteress by conventional standards, but lust, envy, pride, and more definitely had a hold on me... and I was never truly free until I found out that He didn't condemn me for those things. 

I believe the woman above felt the words the same way Jesus meant them for all of us on that day. "I don't condemn you for being human. I don't look down on you for not being perfect. I am not mad at you for what you've done. I love you. And because of that, I know you can do better."

And hearing those words, she straightened her shoulders and started the walk towards home. Not as a woman full of shame who would be doomed to repeat her mistakes because she called herself by the title those men had given her, but as someone who had a newfound freedom, knowing that nobody condemned her.

You see, "Go and sin no more" is too often taught as a command from God for excellence, when it's really meant as a statement of our freedom in Christ. When we know who we are, and what He thinks of us, it gives us the power and motivation to overcome those labels we used to put on ourselves, the ones that became chains that bound us.

Abusers, addicts, and adulterers alike can find freedom when they understand that Jesus doesn't condemn them for their struggle. I know I did. And it's not, as some people claim, the freedom to continue to sin as much as we want. It's the freedom to walk away from those things, knowing we are no longer defined by them. And, if we falter along the way, the freedom to get back up, dust ourselves off, and walk with our head still held high... because none of it changes who we are in Christ or what God sees when He looks at us.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.

~Romans 8:1

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

~John 8:36

The light at the end of the tunnel

I've watched him struggle both for and against independence.
Sometimes my heart broke for him.
Sometimes I was angry at him.
Each step was so. slow. and. deliberate.
"Just do it!" I'd think. "It's not that hard."
A couple of times I even said it out loud.
And while I never doubted he could do it,
   I often knew he wasn't ready.

Then one day this spring, after a breakthrough of mythic proportions,
he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,

Ben changed my life long before we dated.
It's exciting to walk with him as he
changes his own. I love this guy. <3

"I'm going to be okay."
"I have a future."
"I've never believed that before."
     and my heart stopped in my chest.
I still can hardly type those words without tearing up.

All those times I was frustrated to tears,
all those times I pushed him and he shut down,
all those times I tried to talk about the future
and he said he didn't know what he wanted from life...

It wasn't indecisiveness or him being wishy washy.
It certainly wasn't about us.
     He literally did not believe he had a future.
     He couldn't see it.

When you are in a tunnel with no light at the end,
     how far do you keep walking before you just stop?
Ten years? Twenty? More?

I'm so proud of how hard he fought,

even those times I didn't know if I could much longer.

I'm so proud of how he is continuing to fight,

     to be the man he knows God created him to be,

to turn that 'head knowledge' he's been acquiring for years

about exactly what Jesus thinks of him

     into the 'heart knowledge' he needs to move forward 

with hope into the abundant future we've all been promised.

While the scale isn't always as grand, everyone struggles with this on some level. There is almost always an area of our lives where we don't have a vision for the future. Maybe it's an area of your life that you don't even know exists yet.

Proverbs 29:18 says, "Where there is no vision, people perish."

The lack of vision can affect someone on a large scale, or it can affect a certain aspect of their lives. A person with no vision for personal finances, will see their finances fall apart.  A person with no vision for their business, will never see it grow. A person with no vision for their relationships with their family will see those relationships start to wither away.

The enemy works overtime to keep us from having vision, from seeing the light at the end of our tunnels. It's not that the light isn't there... he can't turn it off, he can only distract us from seeing it. And of all the the things Satan is good at, distraction is at the top of the list.

When it comes to vision for our future, there are a lot of ways to keep us distracted... pain, sickness, stress, and drama are just a few. One of his favorite ways to distract us is to try to convince us we are someone different than who God says we are.

Knowing who you are in Christ is the MOST important part of keeping Satan from distracting you, because while we may be temporarily distracted from seeing the Truth, the Truth hasn't changed.

Proverbs 23:7 says, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he."

When you start to feel hopeless, and you can't find the light, and you don't know how to fight... don't just remind yourself who God says you are... remind Satan that you know who you are... So that the God of hope can fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

Don't talk about my child that way...

Last night...

I drop my oldest daughter off at work and head back towards home.

I'm about halfway there when she calls me, upset.

Me: Hello?

Her: I am the worst.

Me: What?

Her: I wore the wrong shoes and they won't let me work without the right ones.

She then launches into a defensive, yet self deprecating monologue about how they've let her before and it isn't fair and how she is dumb and terrible and etc etc.

Me: Just stop.

Her: I need my shoes.

Me: Okay. 

(Momentary silence)

She starts back up again... never once actually asking me to get her shoes for her.

Me: Stop. Repeat after me. Mom, I need my work shoes. Could you go in the house and get them from ______________ and bring them to me at work, please?
Her: I don't know where they are. I looked for them earlier but... 

Me: (Interrupting) Then try this: Mom, I need my work shoes. Could you go in the house find my shoes and bring them to me at work, please?

She complies. Finally.

It takes awhile to find her shoes, but once I do, I send her a text and jump into the car to make the 7 minute trip back to her work. She's waiting outside when I pull up and opens the door, reaching in to grab the shoes.

Her: (With a pained expression on her face) I'm terrible... I...

Me: Stop! Just say thank you.
Her: Thank you! I love you!

Me: I love you too. Bye!

As emotional teenager moments go, this was relatively mild. But driving away I thought how frustrating it was that she was so busy apologizing for her mistake and tearing herself down that she didn't ask for help or say thank you until she was reminded. 

I am human, and I get frustrated sometimes. I also will not pull her out of every situation she gets herself into. But she didn't even ask for help until I told her to because she was so focused on her mistake instead of the fact that I am her mom and I love her.

And all the tearing herself down, saying things about herself that aren't true... doesn't she know who she is to me? She's my child. Regardless of the mistakes she makes, I think she's pretty fantastic. Nobody should feel free to talk about my child that way... not even my child.

I remember when I used to go to God that way for help. 

I'd start off by telling Him how awful and stupid I was. I'd tell Him I was sorry for my mistake or bad choice, but then I'd complain about the consequences and throw in a little about how it wasn't all my fault, just in case it might make Him a little less angry. I was so focused on myself, I couldn't see that He wasn't angry at all.

I think about how it felt to hear my beautiful, smart, talented, highly favored and dearly loved daughter tear herself to bits with her words over a pair of forgotten shoes, and realize how it must have sounded to God when His beautiful, smart, talented, highly favored and dearly loved daughter tore herself to pieces with her words over her own human mistakes in the same way. 

Understanding who we are to anyone, what they think of us, what their expectations of us are, changes the way we interact with them on all levels. It decides whether we approach someone with confidence or trepidation. It determines how we interpret and react to their actions as well. It is so important to communicate to others who they are to us.

God knows that. That's why He provided us with written proof of who we are to Him. It's all in the Bible. 

Below is one of many verses that tells us what God thinks of us...

CLICK HERE to see more verses about who you are in Christ.

For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a mighty savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

~Zephaniah 3:17

As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.

~Proverbs 23:7

Unlovable

Unlovable

“Velcro” a friend had called me. Clingy. Codependent.

I’ve long owned the fact that I was a recovering codependent, but I didn’t know how to stop it. When relationship problems spilled into other areas of my life, I decided to ask a professional for help. Inside of a nearly two hour session, this was the turning point:

“So, what does it mean if someone cancels or doesn’t make plans with you?”

“It means they didn’t care enough to make time for me.”
“So, what if nobody ever cared enough to make time for you?”

“Then I would be alone.”
“What does it mean if you are alone? What does that say to you?”
“It means nobody thinks I’m worth spending time with.”
“Why does what they think matter? Who defines your worth?”

How many times have I begged God to show me my worth? I’ve read books and blog posts where other writers had been given huge revelations through some unforeseen incident. Where was mine? “Come on God! Are you really going to prove to me that I’m worthless too?”

But with that question, “Who defines your worth?” I suddenly realized that all the time I had been asking Him to show me my worth, I had kept my eyes on people.

In my heart I believed I was worthless and unlovable. I wanted people to prove me wrong. Every positive interaction left me thinking, “See? You might be okay after all.” Every negative interaction confirmed for me what I already knew, even if the cause of the negative interaction had nothing to do with me.

After all the amazing things God has done for me, bringing me from homelessness to the owner of a thriving and growing business with employees in less than two years, giving me a purpose, forgiving me time and time again as I struggle to get life right... I still questioned my worth… until that conversation.

“So, right now people are tests of your worth. What would people be if they weren’t tests?”
“People. They would just be people.”

I named the system I had been using to determine my worth the “Convince Me” system. Then I asked God to put something else in its place. He answered me. Right there. In the space of a few minutes, after a lifetime of codependency and self-loathing, He made it new.

I’m no longer a recovering codependent. I am healed.

Over the next week, this was put to the test over and over. Several people’s true colors were made clear to me. I was shocked at the things I learned about people that directly affected me. One week before, the things I learned would have crushed me. Now? I am disappointed… but they are just people.

Not only did I not care that I didn’t have a date on Valentine’s Day, I turned down a lunch date with someone who didn't have my best interests at heart. Not because “this is what God would want me to do” (followed by sulking at home) but because I didn’t need him to prove to me that I am not worthless. He is just a person.

It sunk in slowly.

God had made me new without flashes of light or fanfare. I didn’t feel a great wind or a see something amazing. There were not even any witnesses when I realized for sure what He had done. There are plenty now though, because I can’t stop talking about it. I can’t not share what He did for me on Friday, February 13th, 2015.

Writers write to be read. We want people to want to read our work. We want people to share our work with others. We want people to be touched by our writing.

That being said, I hope you enjoyed this post. I pray that God uses it to touch you somehow. But if it doesn’t, if you didn’t like it, if you won’t share it, if you think I’m full of hot air… that’s okay.

You’re just a person, and my worth is defined by my Creator.

Don’t let that statement offend you. As a person, you have worth too… but don’t look to me for it. Look to Him.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

~Ephesians 2:10

Thanks so much to the Brave Girl community for letting me reach out to their readers!

Feeling tested?

 

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must
endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine.
It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—
though your faith is far more precious than mere gold.
1 Peter 1:6-7 (NLT)

Until the time came to fulfill his dreams, the Lord tested Joseph's character.
-Psalm 105:19

If you are called

These are the words that spurred my pastor, Chuck Tate​, to finally write the book he has had inside of him for about 15 years. The same book that won a publishing deal with Tyndale House Publishing this weekend.
 

Before I started this blog,
Before God rescued me from myself, 
Before I was ever homeless,
Before God started my business,
Before I was even an adult,
Before I understood that God called people to do anything.
Before I even understood Who God is, I knew I was called to write.

Lately I've been feeling the pull to write more and more, but I don't always have actual words to put on the page. I open the laptop and stare at the keys and nothing comes. Some call it writers block. Some look at my life and wonder how I have time to write at all, much less pull together a readable post.

I would say that God recently showed me the source of my writer's block, but what He actually showed me is the source of my drive and gift and love for writing. It's HIM. When I am in the Word, when I am praying, when I am focusing on and fighting for His will for my life, the words flow more easily.

It truly believe this is another gift from God. I am busy. I am easily distracted. (Really, easily distracted. Like, between the last two sentences I checked Facebook twice.) I run my own business. I have four children. I REALLY like sleep... sometimes (often) more than reading my Bible. God knows sometimes I need a little incentive right now, to focus on what He wants for me instead of all the distractions.
   
I hope that some day my walk with God will be so solid that I won't need writer's block to remind me I haven't been in my Bible in a couple days. But for now I'm grateful. He is equipping me to do what He has called me to do, and the encouragement to do so just keeps coming. 

Today I not only had a new blog post accepted as a "guest post" for an awesome blog site (bravegirlcommunity.com), but the women I submitted it to read through my previous posts here and asked to use an older one for another post later this spring. What an awesome blessing!

I wanted to share my news, and then I want to leave you with this thought:

Mark Batterson's quote about living 

in disobedience applies to more than writing. 

What is God calling you to do? 

Are you doing it?

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.

~Philipians 2:11

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.

~1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

 

Know

I'll be the keynote speaker at a single moms' conference at the end of April.

Sitting down Friday night to dinner with the friend who recommended me for the honor, we started brainstorming ideas for the mini-sessions we will run as well.  I suggested a great subject for one, but it didn't quite seem right. Then I realized, it wasn't a subject to give someone else. It was supposed to be the title of my session.

"Know Your Worth " I've been asking God to show me mine for a long time... make me understand. I know I don't quite get it yet... and yet somehow He wants me to teach others.

Someone recently said, "If people truly understood their worth in Him, it would change the world."
If He is choosing me to help change some worlds, I can expect a battle... is it weird that I'm a little excited that I see it coming and feel like I can prepare?

I know I won't get it right every time. Even today, as I've struggled with the loneliness that never fails to hit me as I leave church services... I'm pretty sure God told me to go for a walk. I took a nap instead. Then I emailed some people. Then I did some reading. Now I'm writing.

It just occurred to me that truly understanding my worth would probably change my world too.

I hope I'm ready. 

I hope you are too. 

If you are reading this, 

then it's likely that changing my world 

will change yours a little as well. 

The faithful love of the lord never ends! His mercies never cease.Great is his faithfulness;his mercies begin afresh each morning.I say to myself, “The lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The lord is good to those who depend on him,to those who search for him.
~Lamentations 3:22-25 NLT 

Okay, now I'm going to go change out of my church clothes and go for a walk. 

Wow. See how well this accountability blog thing works?

Unprepared

For someone energized by being around people,

a week of being stuck at home sick

proved to be too much for my mind and spirit.

Stomach flu on Christmas Eve Eve, followed by

fever and cough, only a few hours of “well” in between.

By day six, ten minutes without crying was my limit.

"Mind over matter" didn't work. I told the kids to get ready,

we were going out for dinner. Then the sunlight hit my retinas.

There was sneezing and tears, followed by real tears, followed by

a three hour nap after telling the kids, "Eat whatever you want."

We've gone through a lot of cereal this week.

While I know "Greater is He Who is in me,"

Satan is still pretty smart. Smarter than me.

I was weak from all of this, and he knew it, 

calculating the lies I was most likely to believe, 

lying alone there in my room, in the dark. I didn't even fight back.

I did manage to write a guest blog post about how faith

has changed my life. I sent it off feeling like a total fraud,

laying in bed, crying about life. I fought with a few people via text, 

ranted about this and that via IM, even sent off an angry email,

followed by an apology a few hours later.

All because I wasn't fighting back.

I'm feeling 95% better today...

and thinking about how I could have done things differently.

Why didn't I have praise and worship music playing?

Why didn't I stop and pray before I said words I couldn't take back?

Why have I read 127 internet articles this week, but few Bible verses?

Pain and sickness, two of the easiest ways to pull my eyes from Jesus.

In hindsight I see everything I could have done better a little more clearly.

Had I not been so caught up in busyness the week before, that I had

neglected prayer and reading and spending time with Him, it probably

wouldn't have been so far from my mind when I hit this wall this week.

Live and learn? I hope so.I can't believe I was so unprepared.

I still flew off the handle at my kids morning,

not quite as ready for the “normal” as I thought.

Pretty sure that I still owe them a better apology too.

Glad every minute is a chance to make the next right choice

and even failing completely an hour ago, doesn't mean the day is ruined.

Headed to Christmas at Mom's now.

My oldest child is driving while I type.

Looking forward to french toast, bacon and eggs.
Expecting to gain back some of the nearly10lbs I've lost this week... and not care a bit.

Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.
Colossians 4:2

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like 

a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8

Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-Prepared#sthash.NvO6MOYb.dpuf

Resting is hard work

A recent speaker to my church talked about being called a workaholic. He said he laughed when he heard it, "I hate work! I'm not a workaholic." The response was that it isn't the work he was addicted to, it was the finished product. It was the satisfaction of a job well done. It was what he gets from doing the work.

I thought to myself, "So maybe I'm a volunteeraholic?"

That week alone, between a special conference and volunteering for other things, I had spent over 20 hours at the church. I am there, volunteering, several days a week on a slow week. Several times a month I volunteer at the local food pantry that helped me when I needed it most. I recently volunteered to babysit a friend's newborn foster child while she works her third shift job a couple nights a week. And if a friend asks for help with something, I make sure I do what I can.

But why? I am a single mom with four children and a business to run. I could tell anyone on any given day that I'm too busy to do anything else and they would understand.

The opposite of love is self... selfishness... and we are to love one another. That's what I am doing.. serving people Jesus loves. Giving of myself to help further His Kingdom... right?

I'm also having a lot of fun doing some of it. I truly love working in the sound booth and working with the lighting, media, and video. I hope God is giving me this opportunity for a reason, that I am gaining skills that will be useful to Him in the future. All in all though, regardless of how it works out, I know I am doing it for Him.

It is impossible to ignore, however, the sense of satisfaction I get, the boost in my own self-esteem and self worth that comes from being important to others... I sometimes wonder if these positive aspects of volunteering don't push me to do more than I should. 

Why is being appreciated by people so important? I have worth to Him whether I am helping with one more thing or not. While wrestling with this thought lately, God has shown me several times that doing work for Him is a lot easier than resting in Him. 

Easier than resting? Resting is easy. Resting equals laziness. While nobody would come right out and say that, internally it is said loud and clear in the silence, the absence of accolades. 

Too tired to read the Word, too scattered to pray without making it a "multi-tasking" opportunity, I neglect Him more than I should... and I often do it IN HIS NAME! While God loves it when we nurture our relationship with Him, it is harder to explain to people that the reason behind a "no" is because our relationship with God is suffering. So, we tell Him "no" instead. 

Then we continue to push Him farther away by spending so much time doing things for Him instead of just spending time with Him, resting in His presence.

That's the key. Anyone can take a day off. Anyone can turn down duties or quit serving in certain areas. Resting IS easy. Resting in Him isn't.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

~Psalm 62:5-8 

Redeeming humanity

Why do we refuse to acknowledge
the battles, the struggles, the pain?

It doesn't make us any less redeemed,
to admit that we are human. It might even
make us more so, as it is our humanity
that makes us worth redeeming.

At some point we must realize that
being redeemed, saved, valued, loved
by the God of all creation, doesn't fix
our lives, resolve our problems, perfect us.

In fact, it often makes our issues
even more glaringly obvious when the
Holy light shines down on them and
reminds us of how far we still have to go.

God is in the business of redeeming humanity,
not taking away choices, even choices that
involve turning away from Him. If we were
perfect upon redemption, our choices would
be gone, we'd know too much to have free will.

So we continue this life, redeemed, but human
while trying to put on a "perfected" facade.
Who are we lying to... God? He knows better.
The world, our friends, maybe just ourselves? Why?

Maybe we fear being called 'hypocrite'
by those who don't understand we are
still on a journey towards perfection.
Maybe we fear acknowledging all
the work we know we have left to do. 

Twice recently, I have been reminded that
sharing my struggles is just as important
as sharing how I've succeeded in Him.

And yet, I couldn't help but think today
what a fraud I am, claiming God has
rescued me from depression and still
reacting to an old trigger with an inability
to function productively for a few hours.

I kept looking for confirmation of all
I was thinking and feeling, knowing
I'm a fraud and a failure, and I found plenty.

I almost believed it all, until the redeemed
within me began fighting back, against
the lies I was hearing, reading, believing.
I still believed most of it when I sat down
to write tonight, prepared for a negative post.

So many things are happening that make me
question my worth on all levels. And yet, I know
that as long as I keep fighting, He'll always
pull me through. And as hard as it is to believe,
it doesn't matter who thinks what of me.
 
I found this song tonight...

Yes, these struggles chase after me,
threatening to overtake me. But I know
none of those things own me any longer because
He who is in me is greater than all of it... and He will use it for good.

 My foes have trampled upon me all day long, For they are many who fight proudly against me. When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.
~Psalm 56:2-3

Doing better

Doing much better tonight.

I wish is wasn't so difficult

to remember sometimes,

that God is in control.
I wish lots of things had

worked out differently,
but am thankful tonight

that His grace is enough.

God is good, no matter what happens.

He has a plan and it isn't always clear from where I am standing.

When I asked Him to shine through the cracks yesterday,

and focused on letting Him take care of my heart

I started seeing things differently.

None of the circumstances have changed, and if I dwell on it I could still be upset. But if I've learned nothing else over these last several months, it's that God has a better plan than I do. Holding on to that today.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” 

~Psalm 32:8 (NIV)

“It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.” 

~Psalm 118:8 (NIV)

Shine through

Crushed by the loss of my best friend,
(the friendship ended, nobody died)
I've been reeling for days.

Oddly enough, knowing it's over 
has been easier on me
than the days leading up to,
when I knew that was happening
and was just being told to wait.  
Rip the band-aid off quickly
     quit making me hang in limbo.
Cruel, but not unusual punishment.

No fault was accepted by them
and not one apology offered
by the now absent friend.
And the fallout from the loss
has likely ruined at least
a couple of other friendships.
Praying I can suck it up enough
to not have to change the areas
where I serve at church as well. 

My overly emotional reactions
were blamed for the severing,
proof someone doesn't understand
me as well as I thought, nor
women and their friendships,
or what fear of abandonment
can do to a girl like me.

The most meaningful thing was said to me today:
"You do not deserve to be abandoned—especially for the cause of wanting not to be abandoned." 

The panic and tears overwhelmed me
several times today, forcing me to pray, sing,
or just out loud ask God to make it stop.
It. Make IT stop. It has a name: Grief. 
I'm so tired of losing, grieving losses, of being broken.

Reading today, He reminded me... it is in my weaknesses that His strength is shown. If I had none, then how would anyone see Him in my life? If I am a fragile clay jar, containing His light, nobody will see it unless there are some cracks for the light to shine through.

Well, there is another great big one, God... please find a way to shine through it. 

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

~2 Corinthians 4:7 

 

Tuesday

I spent Tuesday in bed.

A truly inspiring Christian author
wrote me yesterday, calling me a
"faithful, humble and bold believer"
and I couldn't help but think,
"If he only knew I was so
discouraged that I spent Tuesday
in bed, sleeping and crying."

How bold and faithful is that?

Since my post about "Worth"
last week, Satan has made it his
mission to see that I don't recognize
mine by bringing to light the
comments, thoughts and actions of
those who often act as if I have none,
from exes to my own children.

This isn't what I asked God to show me.

As I function as this person I am, and
then turn and share about the love, mercy,
and grace of God with others,
I feel like I'm two different people.
The faithful, humble, bold believer, and
the girl who recognized the oncoming train
as an attack by Satan, but didn't run.

No, I laid down on the track in front of it.

I love being the girl who shares with others about
what God has done in my life. I love inspiring
people with hope of what He wants to do
in theirs. I love connecting with people,
sharing, pouring into them, saying something
I feel is random and finding out God put
those words in my heart for just that one person.

Being that girl is awesome.

Some days I just wish I could get THAT girl to knock some sense into THIS one.

I've heard that voice before

Years ago I was in a relationship that wasn't working. Still, I sincerely thought J and I were going to get married. So, the day he walked into my house and broke it off, accusing me of something I didn't do, I was shocked. I followed him back to his house, trying to prove him wrong.

I cried and begged and pleaded for him to listen to me, tried to prove I hadn't been talking to the person he had forbidden me to have contact with several months before. I don't remember most of what I said. I do remember that at some point, I collapsed into a sobbing heap on the entryway floor. My whole body was shaking and I was ready to throw up any second. Then, all of the sudden, I heard a voice in my head. (Don't worry, it wasn't a psychotic break... it was my own voice...)

I said, "You are miserable. You fight all the time. This is your chance to walk away. This is not what you want for your life."

The next thing I know, I had walked out the door and gone home. I then deliberately sabotaged any chance we had at getting back together by actually calling the person he had forbidden me to contact. A few days later, the banned person had asked for a ride somewhere and I said okay. J saw him in my van. The look on J's face made me wonder if I had done the wrong thing. I was immediately terrified. I was officially alone again. I called him, emailed him, sent texts, randomly tried to chat with him. I made a lot really poor decisions, many of which I blamed on him.

Two months later I went out with friends one night and, after the bars closed, they dropped me off at home. I remember walking in my front door. Next I remember standing on his front porch and hearing him say, "Stay right there. I'm calling the police." I was three of the five blocks home before they made it to his house and he pointed them in my direction. The officer didn't approach me on the sidewalk. He just asked from the street where my home was and if I was going there. I said yes, and I did.

The next time I had a weekend with no kids, the friends who had dropped me off before thought it would be a good idea for me to stay with them instead of going home... to keep me out of trouble. That was the last time I hung out with those friends because that was the night that she slept in one room while I said, "No." to him in another and my 'No' was ignored.

Who did I turn to for comfort after this happened? The man who had been my best friend for nearly four years, J. His response was, "You got what you deserved."

His comments should have been a confirmation to me that I had been right when I walked away. Instead, his rejection of me spurred me to convince him we should be together. It was two years before I quit trying to talk to him... all the while I let my life spin out of control. I've mentioned here that I have a hard time letting go sometimes right? Yeah, thought so.

So, what reminded me of all of this tonight?

D is leaving in the next few days, moving out of state. We have been 'just friends' for quite awhile now, but his definition of 'friends' changes from time to time (sometimes from minute to minute) and it has been more than a little confusing for my heart and my mind. 

A couple of times this week I have had melt-downs where I just had to shut myself in my room and cry until I was out of tears. Sometimes I think he stops by and talks about packing and leaving just to make me cry. I'm supposed to be helping him with one of his classes via the internet this fall, and he promises we will Skype, and he'll come visit at Christmas when he's in town to see his mom. I've already been told what I'm making for dinner when he comes over.

But today, when I started to fall apart after getting a text from him about the class I'm supposed to help him with, and again later while I was putting together some photos I'd gathered for him, I heard a familiar voice in my head. "Why are you doing this? He has proven he does not really care about you. You are miserable when he is around. You have to fight all the time for respect. This is not what you want for your life. This is not what God wants for your life. Move on."

Holding on has not served me well in the past. The voice was right before, and I ignored it. Tonight I am asking for grace and help and direction as I fight to be the girl I am supposed to be, instead of continually slipping back into the patterns of that girl God saved me from being.

How many times has He saved me from myself? More than I can count. I'm thankful tonight that He isn't giving up on me.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. 

~Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

 I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms. 

~Ephesians 1:19-20

Self respect vs him

I've admitted to knowing that my relationship with D is unhealthy.
When I'm unavailable due to distance or emotion, he tends to try harder.
When I come around emotionally or when he gets back into town from a trip,
he is suddenly no longer interested in spending time or even talking to me.

I've been working on coming to terms with this weird push-pull.
 
While we haven't been dating over the last several months,
I wanted to believe something was there over these last weeks.
I wanted to believe all the best in him that I knew I had seen.
I wanted to believe that D and I would work, were PTSD not involved.

I hope I can truly say that this particular roller-coaster ride is over.

It is not uncommon for people in my life to tell me they will do something
but not follow through for one reason or another. Often waiting until
the very last moment, or beyond, to cancel or make an excuse for backing out.
Over the last year the lack of respect in this has become increasingly irritating.

Still, every time D did it, I made an excuse for him, PTSD. Even upset, I let it go.

He's been doing it more and more lately, then flashing a smile and asking
me to forgive him as though he had no control over the circumstances.
This afternoon he tried it again, this time cutting an entire evening of plans
down to what would amount to an hour on Friday for a quick dinner.

I told him that if I'm not important enough to make time for, then to forget it.

I truly think he thought he would call my bluff by saying, "Forget it then."
I told him "Thanks for letting me know." I'm sure he was waiting for more.
I started to tear up and then I told myself, this has nothing to do with you.
He has proven himself not worth my time and energy any longer.

As I told a friend, "That could change in 10 minutes..." but it hasn't yet.

I think that when he realizes I really am upset enough to not care anymore
he will try to get back into my good graces. That's how this game is played.
I pray I have the strength to resist. I pray God takes my feelings for him
and tosses them deep into the sea, leaving them there, on the ocean floor.

In the battle of self-respect vs a man's attention there should be a no contest.

Should be no contest.  Those are some very important words there.
Does that mean he won't try again? No. Does that mean I wont fail? No.
But to get back to that healthier person I thought I was a few months ago
I am going to have to try harder than I have been, and be more determined.

Prayer changes things. I know this. Please pray for me. With God I know I can do this.

Pray for us, for our conscience is clear and we want to live honorably in everything we do.
~Hebrews 13:18

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. 

~Proverbs 31:25

Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a good conscience, desiring to conduct ourselves honorably in all things - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Self-Respect#sthash.ss31L6We.dpuf

Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a good conscience, desiring to conduct ourselves honorably in all things - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Self-Respect#sthash.ss31L6We.dpuf

Growing

It used to be that whenever
I felt sadness or rejection
I would attempt to find someone
to pay attention to me
and get them to tell me
they thought I was
pretty, or special, or something else.

Some told me in words,
others in actions that I interpreted myself.

Every time it was destructive
to me and my emotional well-being
as well as my relationship with Jesus, but I was in denial.

Last night a man I know
inadvertently made me feel
inferior, less than, and unworthy.

Caught up in his own head,
listening to those sneaky whispers from the dark,
He started talking/posting about
the kind of woman
he didn't want to marry.
He made it clear that some sins
while forgiven by God,
made some women ineligible.

I logged off the computer
knowing the Truth,
but feeling deflated at the same time.
Not that I wanted to marry him,
but there are plenty of woman like me
who God has made new.

If he wrote these women off,
He was telling me I wasn't good enough either.

Within minutes I had a text on my phone from an ex.
I won't tell you what it said, but it was suggestive in nature.
The enemy knows my weaknesses, and he works fast.

The first text I treated as a joke.
The second I answered with a smart comment.
The third I answered with the truth:

I told you 'if you ever want a friend, 
you know where to find me,' 
but it doesn't sound like 
you just want a friend at the moment.
... Have a good night.

Saying no to flirtation with temptation
has been difficult for me, especially
when my feelings have been hurt.
It is so easy to look to a man
and let him boost my self esteem.

But I've come to learn that
while I was wandering around
looking for one to tell me my worth
The One who created me was watching
     and calling out to me...
          "I KNOW your value, just ask Me."

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
Before you were born I set you apart
and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1:5 (NLT)

“Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child?
Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
But even if that were possible,
I would not forget you!See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.
Always in my mind is a picture of Jerusalem’s walls in ruins.
Isaiah 49:15-16 (ESV)

But now, God’s Message,
the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.
(Isaiah 43:1-4 MSG)

I know a lot about jerks

It's interesting to see the ways
that I often think similarly
about God and men.
Even more interesting to see lately
how often I am wrong about them both.

Two things happened yesterday;
one where I knew
the man I'm dating, (D)
was angry with me,
and where I knew
that the God who loves me
was angry with me.

In the former,
I was fixing my own van
and purposely did not ask for help.
I did what I could on my own
and eventually through several texts
and a phone call where it was determined
I didn't follow instructions properly
got a response to just stop
and he would come look at it.
I felt awful. I should be able
to do this without asking him
to go out of his way to help.
I don't want to need to be rescued.
I was afraid he was angry
and probably would help but
not want to come back over for dinner
because I messed up.

Last weekend, I felt God
call me to prayer and fasting
which I have never
seriously done before.
It was not an easy thing
for me to agree to,
but if God asks, how can I say no?
I was over 40 hours in
and had seen some evidence
that God was moving.
It was really amazing.
But I hadn't received any word
on how long this was supposed to last
and I was starting to get frustrated
with life... (DIY car repairs)
so I asked Him to tell me when it would end
and without waiting for an answer
I opened the fridge
and ate some leftovers.
I felt awful. I should be able
to do this without messing it up.
Good things were happening
and I was afraid God was angry
and was going to stop them
because I messed up.

D came over and helped me
finish fixing the brakes on the van.
He didn't act mad once,
and when we were done
he asked me what we were having for dinner.
He came back over later
and we all had a great time.
Before he left he told me
I had done a great job on the van.
I was confused. What!?!
How is that possible?
How can he be proud of me when I thought he would be angry?

Thinking about this after D left
as well as some other things
that had happened that evening
it occurred to me that even after
I had broken my fast,
the answers to my prayers
were still moving forward.
I was again, confused.
How could this be?
I had given up without His direction.
Is it possible that He too was proud of me for trying, instead of being angry?

A friend had pointed out to me
that, when in doubt, I will always assume
the man I'm with is going to be angry.
I thought I knew a lot about men.
Turns out, I only know a lot about jerks.


Where did I get the idea that God
gets angry when I make mistakes?
When did I decide that His goal
in watching us was to see
the mistakes and hand out punishments?
Somewhere along the way
I've let my knowledge of jerks
color my beliefs about God...

I don't think God is mad that broke the fast. I think He knew it would happen, and didn't tell me how long it would last because I needed to learn this lesson.

I know myself well enough to know I will likely need to learn it again and again, but in the mean time I can definitely come away from the entire experience knowing that good men don't react the way other men do, and God is so much better to me than I give Him credit for, even on a good day.