Not a command, a promise

She stood in one place staring at the ground, 

wishing her glare alone would be enough 

to make a hole open up and swallow her. 

At that moment, she knew death was certain anyway. 

It wasn't death she was trying to avoid. 

It was the public humiliation.

The men holding her called out for the religious teacher

as if they actually cared about what she had done or his opinion.

"Teacher, this woman has been caught..."

She knew she was being made a example of

for some other purpose. It didn't matter.

"in the act of adultery."

Too humiliated to even cry,

She could feel her soul crumbling within her.

"The Law of Moses commanded us to stone such women..." 

Such women, the words sunk in. 

They might as well have called her garbage.

Even if they had let her live, she would be an outcast,
considered good for only one thing.

She was broken, and ready to die.

"So what do you say?" 

She waited an eternity for his answer.

At one point, she raised her gaze just a bit

half expecting to see a stone hurtling towards her.

Instead, she saw the teacher bent towards the ground,

writing in the dirt with his fingers

as they continued to badger him for an answer.

When he finally spoke, his voice rocked her to her core.

"Let him who is without sin among you 

be the first to throw a stone at her." 

and at that moment, she felt the faintest strain of hope.

The teacher continued to write in the dirt

as confusion swirled within her. 

What was he saying? It made no sense. 

She knew she had done wrong,

she knew the punishment that was coming.

she knew she deserved it.

But the men holding her there, began letting go.

They started walking away... one at a time.

She was still watching him write in the dirt

when he suddenly looked up and caught her gaze.

Without breaking eye contact, he stood up.

"Woman, where are they?
Has no one condemned you?" 

"No one, Lord." 

And Jesus said, 

          "Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more." 

~John 8:3-11 

Those last five words always stuck in my throat.

"Go and sin no more."

Many hear those words as a commandment. Sure you are forgiven, but God still expects you to work hard to keep up your end of the bargain, right?

That's what I believed.

I had heard it preached so many times... and I just knew I couldn't do it. So I didn't. Every time I did something I knew was wrong, the guilt/shame spiral that followed led me right back to the thing that I knew was hurting me. But I also knew I deserved it. I was shackling myself to those hurtful things, letting them define me and who I was.

The day that Jesus broke those chains for me by showing me how much He loved me, without any conditions or caveats on my behavior, was the best day of my life. That's why I identify with this story. I was never an adulteress by conventional standards, but lust, envy, pride, and more definitely had a hold on me... and I was never truly free until I found out that He didn't condemn me for those things. 

I believe the woman above felt the words the same way Jesus meant them for all of us on that day. "I don't condemn you for being human. I don't look down on you for not being perfect. I am not mad at you for what you've done. I love you. And because of that, I know you can do better."

And hearing those words, she straightened her shoulders and started the walk towards home. Not as a woman full of shame who would be doomed to repeat her mistakes because she called herself by the title those men had given her, but as someone who had a newfound freedom, knowing that nobody condemned her.

You see, "Go and sin no more" is too often taught as a command from God for excellence, when it's really meant as a statement of our freedom in Christ. When we know who we are, and what He thinks of us, it gives us the power and motivation to overcome those labels we used to put on ourselves, the ones that became chains that bound us.

Abusers, addicts, and adulterers alike can find freedom when they understand that Jesus doesn't condemn them for their struggle. I know I did. And it's not, as some people claim, the freedom to continue to sin as much as we want. It's the freedom to walk away from those things, knowing we are no longer defined by them. And, if we falter along the way, the freedom to get back up, dust ourselves off, and walk with our head still held high... because none of it changes who we are in Christ or what God sees when He looks at us.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.

~Romans 8:1

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

~John 8:36

Random Chance

Last week I clicked a random notification
     to play a random live video
and saw a random comment
     completely by chance.

I've been a Christian since I was young,
     Karen* said. But I can't seem to believe
that He wants me ... please pray for me.

Oh, that's why I'm here.
     to tell a stranger You love her.
Maybe seeing her comment
     wasn't so random after all.

I sent her a message with the photo below.
     Here are some verses to tell you 

what God thinks when He sees you. 

     I spent years believing He would 

let me into Heaven because He had to

     not because he really wanted me, I said. 

When I came to understand grace 

     and what it really meant and how much 

He really cares about me... it changed my life.

Thank you so much, she said, 

     and accepted my friend request.

Back on the original comment,
     fifteen others left encouraging replies.
sixty-five "liked" the comment.
     Some may have been an agreement to pray,
others just votes of solidarity, letting
     her know, others feel the same.
I was blessed by the number who reached out.

Thankful for the opportunity to encourage,
     I smiled. God is fighting for her today!
I hope she sees that. I hope she understands
     how much He really does want her!
   
Then yesterday, quickly scrolling,
     I saw her face in my news feed.
I wonder how she is doing today,
     I said, scrolling back up.

It wasn't from her, it was her niece:
     I am very sorry you all are suffering from her loss. 
I will do my best to keep everyone posted. 
     Please contact me at ...

From other posts on the page,
     and a text to her niece,
I found out that Karen had lost the battle
     with the darkness that was trying to consume her.

I couldn't stop the tears,
     but I also couldn't adequately explain
to those around me why I was
     crying at church for someone I don't know.

I replied to her niece,
     I'm confident she knows 

just how much God loves her now,
     I only wish she had understood it
while she was still on this earth.

If only she had known.

If you are feeling hopeless, believe that He has hope for you. Know that He wants so much more for you than where you are right now.

You are precious to Him and He wants you... not because He wants everyone, but because He is knows and loves you, individually.

While it is almost impossible to be cognizant of every person we come into contact with each day, choosing to walk in the Spirit gives us the opportunity to stay connected to One Who does know.... 

"Hold that door." 

"Hug her."

"Ask him how he is really doing."

"Pay for that stranger's cup of coffee."

"Tell that person who does all they can to irritate you, how much you love them."

"Be compassionate, you don't know what they are going through."

"Say, 'How can I pray for you today?'"

Don't believe in random chance. 

    Don't ignore the thump in your chest,

the tug on your heart, the inability to concentrate 

     on anything except what you know 

you are supposed to be doing or saying.

God is fighting for them, as hard as He fights for you.

I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.

~Ephesians 1:18

Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. 

Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.

~John 13:34-35

Get in the boat

"He is not going to fight for you."
As I wrote before, I heard it clearly.
And then, all of the sudden, he did.

Or so it seemed.

Message after message calling me
beautiful, and special, and wonderful.
I had already accepted there would be no fight.

So what was this?

It was late, and he had been drinking.
"If you mean any of this, tell me tomorrow.
I have a feeling I won't hear from you."

I hoped I was wrong.

He assured me I was wrong and
asked me to come over to see him
"I just want to hold you in my arms."

It sounded wonderful.

But I knew it wasn't right, saying no
again and again, unwavering.
"If you mean it, tell me tomorrow."

"I will," he said. "Goodnight Gorgeous."

The next day I waited until late afternoon.
"You don't have anything to say?" I asked
"I'm an idiot." he replied

It didn't even take a moment to sink in.

He said it all hoping I would come over.
He wanted something and thought I would
give in if he said nice things about me.

It's worked for others in years past.

"Is that what this was?" I asked. Silence.
"A simple yes or no will suffice"
 His reply, "Basically." and "I'm sorry."

Hurt and angry at his attempt to manipulate me, and also wondering what it meant about every other conversation we'd ever had, I argued with him for a while through IM. Finally he said, "If you want to bash me and scream at me, you can. I can take it." But I couldn't do it. I fell asleep instead.

God took that time to work on my heart, to get me to see past the hurt feelings.

By the next morning I knew that what had happened was a symptom of his own spiral. I knew that he didn't deliberately hurt me, I was just collateral damage in his own personal mess and his struggle with alcohol, one I didn't even realize existed.

I wrote him a long note about my own spiral and his, about walking in righteousness, about being able to fail fast, realize we've failed and jumping up to try again. I wasn't preaching to him as someone who was superior... I was sharing with him as someone who has needed to hear these things myself in the last couple of weeks.

"I want to be angry with you, but

I don't know if I can be. 

I may be hurt and upset, but 

I can't sit in a boat and

watch you drown 

while I yell at you for splashing water on me."

I sent him my blog post called "Be still" and told him Jesus is fighting for him too. He agreed.

Maybe we can be good friends again someday. I don't see us ever dating again. That ship has sailed... and he wasn't in the boat. ;-)

I'll continue to pray for him. But his salvation and sobriety aren't my responsibility.

You have no idea what a huge statement that is coming from a habitual co-dependent rescuer, and how proud of myself I am for writing it and believing it. It's amazing when baby-steps turn into actual change.

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat. 

But I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail. 

So when you have repented and turned to me again, strengthen your brothers.” 

~Luke 22:31-32 Spoken by Jesus, emphasis added.

Spinning

It's possible to have so many parts of a life in line with God's will and be completely out of line with Him in others. It's a careful balancing act, the enemy is tricky. It took one area of my life to begin spinning out of control again to realize just how far off I am today...

Today I am having
trouble understanding
how God can continue to
bless a woman who is
struggling so much to
understand, accept, and do
His will above all else.
Not because of the struggle,
but because of the many ways
I haven't bothered, the times
I've given up, given in, and
blatantly disregarded Him,
continuing to demand my own way,
kicking and screaming.
 
Spinning out of control,
I've come face to face with
a reality I've been denying.
I thought I had a handle on this
issue from my past, yet I've been
falling back into a familiar,
yet dangerous, pattern where
my will trumps His again and again.
I've begun praying that He
guards me from making choices,
because we both know where I am,
and that I won't choose wisely.

It's an embarrassing and humbling
admission, that He has to take my choices
from me if I am to succeed right now.
But worse than that is having God
sigh and say, "Fine, have it your way"
and watching things begin to spin out of control again.

I'm grateful that even when He does give in,
I only have to turn to see Him standing there,
with His hand out, waiting for me to realize
my errors, and turn around and reach for Him.

I know the way to combat this is to start with my thoughts. Read, pray, continue to ask Him for help.  

If you are reading this, I am asking you for prayer too. None of this is easy, but His will for my life is more important than anything else... and I need to remember that.

The mind governed by the flesh is death, 

but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.
~Romans 8:6

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
~Philippians 4:8

Chances

The last few weeks, as I've neglected
to return his texts with the same
intensity at which he sends them,
things have started to cool with D.

Living fourteen hours from someone
you care about, who is all talk and
no action is not something anyone
can make work. Especially not me.

I finally told him I can't do it anymore,
this is not what God wants for my life,
I don't blame him. He has never changed
since I met him... I just saw what I wanted to see.

I was always believing hope and prayer
would be enough to change his life.
And whether it affected my life or not,
that someday I would get to see his transformation.

I still believe it will happen one day. I know God
is bigger than anything, whether it be PTSD or
general jerkiness (they can be hard to separate).  I doubt
I'll be close enough to see it. I hope I hear about it though.


I have a friend who is back with the guy
that God doesn't have planned for her life.
She knows it. We've talked about it.
But much like me, she can't let go.

Someone else recently said to me
it's funny how I have such good advice
for other people's relationships,
but I can't see it in my own.

How can I keep telling people to let go of
their destructive relationships, to let go of
the people in their lives who cause pain,
who lie, cheat, and steal from them...
If I'm unwilling to do it myself?

As much as I would argue that I hate misery,
I give God control over things knowing that
He can do a better job, and then take them back
and try to make them work myself... and make myself miserable.

Did you just say to yourself,
"Well ____ doesn't steal from me,
so she's not talking about them."
Theft of time is worse than any earthly possession.

Time you could have spent with your family.
Time you could have spent with your real friends.
Time you could have spent with the 'right' one.
Time you could have spent at the feet of Jesus.

I'm still so far from perfect and have a long way to go, but I'm determined to use what God gives me in the ways He wants me to use it... even if I get turned around from time to time in the process. I am so thankful that He is the God of second chances and that He's apparently given me an unlimited supply, as long as I keep asking for them and trying to do it right.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. 

~2 Peter 3:9

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
~Phil 1:6

Tuesday

I spent Tuesday in bed.

A truly inspiring Christian author
wrote me yesterday, calling me a
"faithful, humble and bold believer"
and I couldn't help but think,
"If he only knew I was so
discouraged that I spent Tuesday
in bed, sleeping and crying."

How bold and faithful is that?

Since my post about "Worth"
last week, Satan has made it his
mission to see that I don't recognize
mine by bringing to light the
comments, thoughts and actions of
those who often act as if I have none,
from exes to my own children.

This isn't what I asked God to show me.

As I function as this person I am, and
then turn and share about the love, mercy,
and grace of God with others,
I feel like I'm two different people.
The faithful, humble, bold believer, and
the girl who recognized the oncoming train
as an attack by Satan, but didn't run.

No, I laid down on the track in front of it.

I love being the girl who shares with others about
what God has done in my life. I love inspiring
people with hope of what He wants to do
in theirs. I love connecting with people,
sharing, pouring into them, saying something
I feel is random and finding out God put
those words in my heart for just that one person.

Being that girl is awesome.

Some days I just wish I could get THAT girl to knock some sense into THIS one.

Worth

Today I was reminded that if God's plan
for my future includes helping teach other
women their worth in Him, that I might need
to have a better grasp on my own.

As much as my life has changed, as much
as I think I understand my worth now,
(I even posted about it last Christmas)
God says, "Nope, you don't quite get it yet."

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't
Let an ex flirt from 14 hours away,
knowing he doesn't really mean a word
just because it's nice to feel wanted.

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't obsess
over blog stats, retweets, and click-throughs
as if they are important, when she knows God
is using her work and that's all that should matter.

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't
dislike being alone so much that she often busies
herself to exhaustion, while putting off solitary,
yet necessary, tasks until the last minute.

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't
keep trying to find it through the eyes
of others when God has made it clear
that the only opinion that matters is His.

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't
long for things God has asked her to put aside,
because she knows her relationship with God
is more important than the things she thinks she misses.

I struggle with the whys of this at the moment because
I know it's not because He hasn't tried to show me.

But I also know that if God really wanted me to understand,
He could open my eyes to it, remove the veil in my mind.

So, why do I still struggle with knowing my worth?
What are You waiting for, God? Lay it on me. I'm ready. I think.

Or am I missing something else here? Maybe there is a reason
for this struggle? Maybe recognizing the struggle is half the battle?

I keep trying to wrap this up with some amazing Heavenly answer
but I don't really have one. When I do, I have a feeling you'll know.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
~Psalm 139:13-16

One day at a time

I hear your stories
"eight years ago I decided"
"twelve years ago God saved"
"it's been twenty-nine years since"
and while I can clearly see
God's hand on my life
throughout my many years
living in "Christian Lite" mode,
I can truly only say
"nine months ago I realized"
and then admit
that I am still battling
so much
one day at a time.
Some days I don't feel
I can make it to one year
much less to eight, twelve, or twenty-nine. 
But instead of giving up
I just keep placing one foot
in front of the other,
believing there will be ground
where I set my foot down next
because, 
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand." (Psalm 40:2)
He is my strength for today.
Every day.
“My grace is sufficient for you, 
for My power is made perfect 
in your weakness.”  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I am beginning to realize that struggling with my humanity is not dependent on how well life is going from one moment to the next. Just because I have been blessed abundantly by God, doesn't mean I don't still have issues and flaws and junk in me... I still need His help... daily.

Wanting to do the right thing

There are things in life
that you to learn to enjoy
that you learn to think are acceptable
that you even learn to think are desirable
and from time to time
you wonder why
these acceptable,
enjoyable,
desirable things
seem to be messing up your life.

When the decision is made
to live a life
that is pleasing to God
casting off the old ways
can feel wonderful.
You know you are starting
a new journey.
You know you are starting
a new life.

The problem is
that just because God says
"I don't like that"
it doesn't flip a switch
in your brain
to make you hate
the things you used to love.

So as time goes by
and temptations arise
the new creation that you are
will not automatically
reject the old.
That comes with practice
and vigilance
and prayers of protection
for your mind and body.

Stay in the word.
Keep your mind on right things.
Keep company with those who will not lead you into temptation.
Pray that His will becomes yours.
And know that wanting to do the right thing
and choosing to do the right thing
is not the same as
hating the things of the past.

And while that may come with time
making the choice to do the "right" thing
in the face of tempation
is also learned.
So you can't be discouraged
when you are tempted
or when you catch yourself
thinking about the wrong things.
God sees the progress you have made
since you first turned your life around.

You are going to be okay.
You are going to succeed.
You can do this.
He wouldn't ask you to do it if you couldn't.
He just wants you to rely on Him.

And know that the "you" I am talking to here, might be you... but really, it is me.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4: 14-16

 

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philipians 4:8

Defining moments

Remember when I wrote about how important a definition can be?

Here are a couple of other words I needed to pick apart and define.

Prostitution
in simple terms
is trading sex for money.
I wrote before how
God protected me
from that.
But really,
When I think of all the times
I traded sex
for a few smiles
for a few laughs
for a few hugs,
or just to feel attractive,
desired for a few moments...
or, so many times,
for an arm around me while I slept,
I realize that I was still a prostitute... I just had a flexible payment plan.

I almost did it again this weekend.
Sent a text to a guy
who I knew would lie to me
and say that he missed me
and tell me I am beautiful
even though I hadn't heard from him in months
just because I knew
he would stay the whole night
and snuggle up close.

It didn't work out. Thank God.

I was going to give up on a promise
that I really do take very seriously
just so I didn't have to sleep
alone.

While I don't want to dwell on mistakes that I almost made, picking all of this apart tells me something very important.

I am not a sex addict.
Sex addicts are addicted
to sex, porn, the chase, the act.
Not to being touched
and held
and cuddled
and feeling special
even if it's just for a moment.
Sex addicts separate their feelings
from their actions.
I never did.
Not one time.
Even when I purposely tried.
I couldn't stop feeling.
But they could...
and did.
So I moved on to the next
lying smile...
you wouldn't believe the lies I've heard
and accepted when I knew better.
because I didn't care
that he was lying
as long as he was lying next to me...
I could always convince myself it was worth it... what did I have to lose?

Now I'm thinking, with clarity
not in my emotion
not in my pain
not in my intoxication
and I realize that
I was going to give up on a promise
that I really do take very seriously
just so I didn't have to sleep
alone.
And I know it wouldn't have been worth it...
I am determined to reclaim all that I didn't realize I had to lose in the first place.