Thursday, October 31, 2013

Whom shall I fear?

It seems like
the cold gray rainy days
are taking their toll
on my emotions today,
although it could just be
a convenient excuse to
to turn on the electric blanket
and take a long nap
and pretend life doesn't exist.

Three times today
I've cried for no reason
other than the arguments
going on in my own head.
I keep praying that God
will answer me
tell me what to do next
send a sign
smack me upside the head
anything
to get me to see
what I must be missing.

I have never wanted
to follow His path
more than I do
right this moment
and at the same time
I don't remember
ever feeling this lost.
(Although that's partly because when I WAS lost, I didn't know or care.)

So many things
are so close to falling apart
and I don't know how
to fix them
and I can't even ask
for help
because I don't know
what I need.
Except for answers
that I'm not getting.

The Lord is my light
and my salvation
Whom shall I fear?
Only the person
who gets me into more trouble
than anyone else I know.
Me.

Save me from myself.
Fight for me.
I need to know You are fighting for me.


Tetris

Tetris blocks don't just 
          "fall into place"
  all on their own.
         They need to be rotated
and moved from side to side
                     and stacked just right
to get every
                thing to work.
I used to think
            I was pretty good at the game.
    Still, I handed the controller off 
        to someone else. 
   Someone who is now saying
                                        "Ooohhh, watch what I can do!"
                            and I'm holding my breath
           as the blocks pile up
   without order or rhyme or reason.
      Trying to remind myself
I handed the controller off to Him
    because He knows the next 247 blocks
       because He knows what is going to happen 
          because He put the blocks there Himself.
And when it all comes together
and the lower layers disappear
I'm going to be glad I handed
     it off to Him...
 
Right now I'm still holding my breath.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Who wrote that?

Someone pointed out to me that I while I was upset and wrote with a defeated attitude Saturday I still signed the post as "Child of the One True King."

Blogger does that automatically... I don't sign my name every time. In fact, through blogger.com it is nearly impossible to change who you are once something is posted by you.

While explaining that earlier, I felt a little internal nudge and the words, "Sound familiar?"

Yeah, it does...  because even if I'm having a bad day, a defeated attitude, an argument with God, if I'm experiencing doubt, or conviction, or fear, or anger or frustration or even if what I'm writing is all full of roses and sunshine and happiness and faith... to Him, my name stays the same.

~Child of the One True King


Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31-32 NLT

Saturday, October 26, 2013

I can't fix everything

It has nothing to do
with deserving better
or not deserving better.
It just is what it is.
If I could changed it,
I would have
a long time ago.
Probably
could have saved
some relationships
that way...
if change had been possible.
It isn't.
That's it.
They can
take me
or leave me
just as I am.
We both know
what they'll choose.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Giving up Days

I can tell you
about storylines
that took place when I was 5.
I have been watching this show
for my entire life...
I remember seeing the same couples
get together and break up
and marry other people
only to get together again.
I've seen men rape women
who turned around
and fell in love with them.
I've seen women drug and rape men.
I've seen "accidental" cheating,
serial cheating,
emotional cheating,
every depth of cheating
one could imagine.
And every time,
as long as that storyline
ended in something that
looked like love,
the rest was brushed aside.
Nobody cared about the rape
or the cheating
or the lying
or the string of relationships
he or she has had since the last time
that couple was together...
And nobody cares that
little girls
teenagers
young women
are watching and learning
from this daytime madness.

Growing up, I wanted to be just like them... not because they were rich, not because they were having great sex, not because they were model-thin... but because they were loved by a guy who was perfect for them (you know, until he cheated or she did... but that was besides the point!).

And all the things they HAD to do to get to that happy, loving relationship... that was just normal, right? It's crazy how the length of time a woman on a soap opera stays single after the death of her husband or after a divorce or break-up... can be counted in days. Lie, cheat, steal and have sex with anyone who paid attention to you... that's how it goes in the glamorous lives of daytime TV.

I have quit watching Days of Our Lives before for one reason or another, and I was always sad. I would use the net to try to catch up, or I would have a moment and find out what was happening with the families I had grown up with...  It was like I missed some friends and wanted to know what they were up to.

But lately the sex was too much. The cheating and backstabbing were tiring. The lies were irritating. I wanted to tell every woman on there... "Hey idiot.. that isn't love." I just couldn't watch it anymore.

I daydream a lot... and it is funny that, when thinking about how one thing or another could work out, I have to stop now and think, "Is that really how God would do it or is this a soap opera story line?" I don't know everything, but the answer to that one is usually pretty simple... and it often changes the way I react to a situation as well. Although, I DO know His sense of humor enough to know that I am bound to see some good "soap-worthy" stories from time to time. :-)

The point of all of this?
I quit watching Days of Our Lives again a couple of weeks ago... for good. And I don't miss it.

I hope its negative presence in my life continues to make a positive impact.

Monday, October 21, 2013

My Prayer

After so many years
of chasing dreams in circles
and finding nothing that
does not end in
pain and disappointment
I have come to realize
that to get anywhere close
to where I want to be in life
Your will must be
the most important thing to me.
And while I have no doubt
that Your way is the best way,
I'm having trouble following the path.
I need you to step in and fight for me.

Why does straight and narrow
feel so dark and winding?
Could You please just
move the clouds
calm the storm
drop some turn by turn
directions in my lap
whatever it takes to keep me
from using the few zaps
of my remaining brain power
to decipher a message
that I will inevitably
second guess.
I need You to step in and fight for me.

I know that sometimes
You choose to calm the storm
and sometimes
You choose to calm the child
But I KNOW You can do both.
I'm not asking for
perfection.
I'm not asking for
everything to go my way.
But continuing to fight
all of these battles
all of the time
is exhausting.
I need You to step in and fight for me.

I'm sure that
others have fought
longer
and harder
and scarier battles...
others have walked
darker
and windier
and steeper paths...
But tonight I don't want to be
stronger
or braver
or better than anyone else.
I just need You to step in and fight for me.

Clear my path,
capture my heart,
tell them they can't have me,
battle in my place,
I need You to step in and fight for me.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Tests

Today someone said
      a test only comes after
   you have learned a lesson.
You wouldn't be tested
      if you weren't already
   supposed to know how to pass it.

Some days I think I must have been asleep in class.

Until the time came to fulfill his dreams,
    the Lord tested Joseph’s character.

        ~Psalms 105:19

Friday, October 18, 2013

She said

He raped her while she slept.
She told the story
like it was no big deal.
He was a pig,
lucky she didn't press charges
it happened
but it's in the past.


Our stories are very different
in some ways
but not all.


Still,
I didn't feel guilt
coming from her.
I didn't feel pain.
I didn't feel self-loathing
seeping through her words...
Just a matter-of-fact story.


If other people can shrug it off, why can't I?


(added later) I think maybe it's because I still hate him, regardless of the details....

Funny how many of the stories I used to write included that "rape fantasy" where she said she didn't want it, but she really did. Before I understood the reality.

In reality it's a whole different ball game.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Mistaking the signs

Have you ever stood at the open fridge door at midnight, looking for a snack and realised that while food would be great... what you are really feeling is tired? They say people who drink more water during the day eat less than those who don't because people often mistake thirst for hunger. We mistake boredom for hunger too. We mistake lots of things for hunger... sometimes anger or pain... loneliness ... probably just about any uncomfortable feeling. You can trust me on this... fat girls know this stuff. :-P We also know that the thing we've chosen instead of the thing we need... doesn't satisfy us for long.

I was reading 1 Peter 2 where things of the spirit are compared to baby milk. And while, much like being called "God's daughter", being called a "baby Christian" irks me... it was something else about the verses that I settled on.

Depending on the version, we are told to "crave" or "desire" things of the spirit.

We are to seek Him (Deut 4:29), seek Him diligently (Prov 8:17),

Elsewhere in the Bible, we are told that our soul should yearn for God the way a dear yearns for water.

We are to
   call upon him
      return to him
         draw near to him

Psalms 63:1 A Psalm of David, when he was in the wilderness of Judah. O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.      

What things have I really been craving lately? What have I really been desiring? Am I just standing in front of an open fridge at midnight, ignoring the real signs?

When I start to feel that emptiness that I talked about a few posts ago, or when I'm lonely, or when I'm scared or sad or frustrated... what if it isn't just me and my issues, trying to make it through another day? Is it possible I'm just mistaking my soul's desperate need for God to take control of some area of my life with my own daily struggle?

I know all too well that I can sate any desire for a moment if I convince myself that what I really crave is something else... So for how long am I going to let the enemy convince me that the cravings, desires, thirsts, that I have are for things of this world, when I can clearly see that choosing to satisfy any hunger I have with God is the way to true satisfaction?

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Stuck

We don't say the word can't in my house.
     I started telling the kids that years ago.
          I used to tell them that all the time.
But me? Well, even when it isn't
coming out of my mouth
it is still running through my mind
in one form or another.

I know it is ridiculous.
I know that this life
is so much better
than the one I was living
before.
God is doing wonderful things.
So why don't I feel wonderful?

What kind of person
looks at everything God is doing
and wishes it would stop,
even momentarily
so that I could feel normal?

Why do I continue to reach for some
vague definition of normal
when He has promised me
so much more?

Laziness? Maybe.
Jealousy? Possibly.
Selfishness? Probably.
Fear? Definitely.
They all leave me stuck in this place where I am now.

I can't finish this. It won't be right. Someone whose opinion I care about isn't going to like it. I'm going to end up disappointed. I don't know how. I don't care anymore. I quit. I give up. I probably have this wrong. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. It's too hard. I'm not ready for this. I can't handle this. It doesn't make sense. I'm just going to screw it up anyway. They don't really know me. Thank God nobody has any idea what I am really thinking right now. I'm going to fail, so why even try?
Over and over
all day long
all night long...
Yes, even in my dreams I fail.

Sometimes I can stay busy enough
to quiet the reminders for awhile.
Even a few hours of hushed voices
lift my spirits...
but they always come back
bringing with them
a different kind of exhaustion
than the one busyness creates.

Even as I'm writing this
I keep remembering other can'ts
and adding them to the list above.
Some I don't even add...

So what do I do?
What are my choices?
I am stuck choosing between two opposite paths.

 I can turn around and go back the direction from which I came... try to do it all on my own again... You know, because I was so awesome at it last time.
 
OR

I can believe God's faith in me isn't completely misplaced and that I really can get where He wants me to be eventually... even if I don't understand it all now. It means fighting, even when I don't think I have any energy left. It means continuing to endure heartache and confusion and whatever else I have to endure to learn whatever it is I am supposed to be learning to make all of those can'ts not true. 

I did a Google image search for "God's Promises" and read through the pictures on the screen and some of them made me cry.

That's when I realized
that even though
I often doubt my ability,
if I care this much about
keeping my promises to Him...
How much more can I trust that He cares about keeping His promises to me?
He knows everything about me...
     Would He have pointed me in this direction
         and put His promises in front of me
     to read, to know, to believe
          if He knew I wasn't going to be able to do my part?

I hope not.
     'cause that's all I'm hanging on to at the moment...
          the hope that He already knows I'm not going to fail...



Thursday, October 10, 2013

Size doesn't matter

Over and over we have heard
about the tiny mustard seed
"It only takes a little bit of faith
to move mountains," they tell us.
Bull... um, -oney.

I have had a lot of faith
that a lot of things would happen
only to see the mountains
stay in the same place, unmoved.
I have been sure that my prayer
would be answered
only to hear and see nothing.

The more I thought about it,
I began to realize
the size of your faith
really doesn't matter.
In fact, I do not believe
that God would call us to have
any kind of faith
that could be thought of as small.

Consider the mustard seed.
It grows from the tiniest of seeds
to the largest plant
in the garden.
It is a bush so big
that birds perch in it
when it is grown.
How does this happen?
Does the mustard seed
have a little bit of faith
that it will grow
to reach its full potential?
No!

The mustard seed
small as it may be
believes with its whole being
that it will become the full-grown plant
that God designed it to be.
It thinks of nothing else.
It knows of nothing else.
It concentrates on nothing but God's will for it to become exactly what He wants it to be.
Even in floods.
Even in drought.
Even when the animals come tearing through the garden.
No excuses. Just faith.

I'm not a "KJV all the way" kinda girl... but it is what I learned to read first... and while many preachers talked about the "tiny faith of the mustard seed," reading it myself made me see that not all versions refer to the seed as "small" at all.

Why are men building entire sermons on a word that they are inferring into the verse... a word that isn't even there?

Every time I get into this passage, I feel this message more deeply than before. Tonight, when I was reading it again, verse 17 struck me.

The apostles brought a boy to Jesus after unsuccesfully trying to cast demons out of him. They basically said, "We can't figure it out. You do it, Jesus." In verse 17 of this chapter Jesus says, "O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you?" He is saying... (my interpretation) "You have got to figure this out for yourselves! I am not going to be here much longer! I called you for something amazing... and you have not fully grasped it yet! ... If you could see what you are truly meant to be and work for nothing else... that kind of faith could move mountains! Nothing would be impossible."

What a promise...

If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
Matthew 17:20

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

But not tonight

I started a blog post
   and saved it for later
       and started another one
   and scrapped it too
and realized that today
      is not a day for sharing.

Today is a day for keeping
the negativity to myself
and getting some sleep.

Tomorrow morning,
   when I wake up,
      I will remember
   God is so much more
forgiving of me
      than I am of myself.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Yeah, He's Giggling...

I don't believe in coincidences
So when life seems to line up events
that make me say
"What in the, seriously?!?"
I am pretty sure God is giggling.

When my computer crashes
and I go to bed tired and upset
because of all that is lost
and I wake up to a daily devotional
about how God helps us find lost things.
I am pretty sure God is giggling.

When I pray that He helps
get the computer to open
just one time, just to get my files saved,
and it opens... exactly that way
files won't open, but they will transfer.
I am pretty sure God is giggling.

When I ask Him where I should go
so I don't waste time driving all over
and when I get there
the new hard drive is half price
due to a stocking error.
I am pretty sure God is giggling.

There is no ridicule or poking fun at me in His giggle...
It reminds me of the giggly way I feel
when I have a surprise for someone I love
and I know they have no idea what is coming next
even though I know it is going to be awesome.

When I surprised my mom
by showing up on Mother's Day
just an hour after texting her
"In church, call ya in a bit."
I giggled.

The day my oldest told me I was the worst mom ever
standing just feet from the closet
where her Taylor Swift tickets were hidden,
waiting for Christmas a few years ago...
I giggled. (And signed her gift Love, the worst mom ever)

When my youngest announced her grandios birthday plans
and I suggested that instead she could skip school
for a birthday lunch at ChuckECheese
with her best friend who will be in town soon
and I saw her face light up, "Thank you Mommy! I love you!"
I giggled.

As I'm busying myself, digging ditches
and doing the work I need to do
to bring the blessings He wants to send...
His surprises, reminders that He loves me,
even in the midst of trials
always remind me that He cares...
and not just enough to say "Oh yeah, I can do that for her today..."
but enough to have planned it perfectly in advance.

So on days when I think He is so far away... He giggles because He already knows about how I'm going to be surprised by how close He really is very soon.

And on days when I'm angry, asking Him how He could do this to me... He giggles because, like a child, I have become self-centered and the next surprise will likely be a tiny bit humbling, and at the same time exactly what I have been wanting.

And on days when, out of the blue, He surprises me with something that tells me, "I know you well enough to know exactly what you need and want right now, even if you think it is something else." and all I can say, "Thank you Jesus! I love you!"
He is giggling... because He knew all along.

 
But whoever listens to me will live in safety
    and be at ease, without fear of harm.
Proverbs 1:33

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Empty Space

Today I did something awesome.
Something I never would have thought
I'd ever accomplish.
Something I didn't even know
I wanted to accomplish
until a few months ago.
I ran a 5k race
and finished it
in a respectable time.
I was pretty proud of myself.
I even signed up to do another in 4 weeks.

But when the fun was over
and I got home
a familiar empty feeling started
swirling in the center
of my chest.

I immediately started thinking about
what I could do to "fix" it.
Who could I text to talk to me?
Who could I message to take my mind off of it?
What could I do to make the feeling go away?
It's hard work
breaking old habits
and making myself think differently.

I knew the events of the day
had exhausted me
emotionally and physically.
So I decided to take a nap.

When I woke up a bit later the space was still there.
Not anxiety.
Not tiredness.
Not hunger or fear or pain or anything else I could put my finger on...
I seriously considered going back to sleep...
another way I used to cope
that I can't use anymore.

I closed my eyes,
"God, I don't know what this is or why it comes back like this but I need you to help me get rid of it. I don't feel like getting up right now. I don't feel like doing anything right now... but I'm going to get up and do something around here and I need you to make it go away."

Honestly, I didn't do much.
But I got out of bed
and helped one child choose outfits for homecoming week
and helped another do her homework
and did some work on the computer
and at some point
I realized
the empty feeling was gone.

It's not like I think I got rid of it forever.
It's not like it won't happen again.
But taking time to ask God for help
and being reminded to breathe
and to keep moving
and keep pushing past
whatever was going on
inside of me
made a difference.
One small step away from codependency.

Two wins in one day.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Borrow not a few

Reading 2 Kings 4: 1-7 today.

It was another awesome example of God letting the person in need participate in their own miracle.

No digging ditches today.
Today it was borrowing jars and bowls.

In this case, I doubt the woman thought much of that. Her children hung in the balance... about to be sold into slavery to pay a debt. Oil was poured into them until there was nothing left to fill. She had enough to pay her debts and live off of the rest. She won the oil lottery.

What if she had tried to guess what God was doing ahead of time and gathered "just enough" jars to pay her debt? Or, what if when she went to a neighbor to borrow those jars, that neighbor spoke words of doubt that she took to heart? Or what if she let her own doubt creep in and make her question Elisha's words from God.

It wouldn't have been the first or the last time in history that someone doubted a promise of God. (Believe me, I know.)

She didn't. She had a ridiculous faith that God was going to take care of her and her boys through this miracle, and she obeyed.

She chose how much blessing she wanted from God.
She did what He told her to do through Elisha.
Then God followed through on His promise.

No digging ditches today.
     No dirty, sweaty, backbreaking digging.
Today it was borrowing jars and bowls.
     Borrowing is a different kind of hard. Borrowing is humbling.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

How Do You Know

How do you know
if you are doing something
beneficial for the Kingdom?
How do you know
if God's next plan for your life
is nearly within reach?
How do you know
if your determination to succeed
is making an impact?

When the enemy attempts to pull the rug out from under you, every single day...
When you get the urgent feeling that you have to turn around and go back...
When you feel incredibly connected to God, just to crash back into unworthiness...

It means you should keep moving forward.
Don't give up. Don't look back.
Keep going, so that you can capture the purpose for which He chose you.


Philippians 3: 12-14
12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

How Many Ditches

I've made this
commitment to change
before.
It hasn't gone well
in the past.
fear
confusion
depression
laziness
love of sin
all stumbling blocks
in my path to real change.
I don't want change to be difficult.
I want it to be fast and easy.
I want it now.
I want, I want, I want.

In Joshua 3, God tells the Israelites that if they want to get across the Jordan, they can... but they have to step out in faith by putting their feet in the water. You can't just WANT something. You have to step out. You have to DO something for God to keep His promises. But for me, what was that?

Today I was reading about Elisha in 2 Kings 3. The armies needed water for their troops and cattle and had no way to get it in the middle of the desert where they were. They asked Elisha to ask God for help.

God could have instantly made it rain.
God could have killed the enemy
so these troops could walk into those enemy villages
and eat and drink all they wanted.
God could have saved them a million different ways.

Instead He told them to dig ditches.

What struck me about this is that God wasn't just asking them to do something to prove they had faith. He was giving them a chance to participate in their own miracle.

He said, "Make this valley full of ditches."
He didn't tell them how big to make the ditches.
He didn't tell them how many to dig.

By telling them to "fill the valley" ... He asked them how big a miracle they wanted.

They could have considered 5 "full" or 25 or 250. God was willing to fill as many ditches as they dug. How much water do you want? Dig more ditches. You can't dig one and then complain God only blessed you with one ditch of water.

How much change do I want?
How big do I want my miracle to be?

One step at a time, at first without realizing exactly what I was doing, I have been digging ditches.

Eating better, no more pop, exercise, becoming more organized, getting my business in order, self control, self respect, spending time with God daily, not hitting "snooze" when the alarm goes off, loving others more... some are new ditches, some I've been working on for awhile. Some are small. Some are huge.

Digging ditches is hard work.
Digging ditches is dirty work.
Digging ditches is rarely fun.
But when I cut through all the dirt
and junk that has been filling the places
in my life where God wants to put living water...
my life gets better.
So when God tells me to "fill the valley with ditches"
I can't say, "How much work do I want to do?"
I have to say, "How many miracles do I want to see?"
Truth?
I want to see a lot of them.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Don't listen to Oprah

So I used to write a blog
that was titled and written
based on something
I had probably seen
on daytime TV.
Oprah? Dr Phil? Who knows.
I seem to remember
watching shows about
"living my best life."
Anyway,
I had decided
I was going to post
every
single
day
for one year.

365 posts to a better me
so I could be ready
for my 'forever'.
No, not Heaven...
the perfect man, of course.
I even wrote all
about him.
I wrote about
having the faith
of Joshua.
Not that I expanded
on anything enough to
prove I even knew
what that means.
I wrote about
how God was going
to help me change.
I wrote a lot about
me.
In fact, it was ALL about me.
I even had the nerve
to give God a time table.
In 365 days
I was going to be
a better person
in good shape
and engaged to the man of my dreams.
(stop laughing, not only did I mean it... but people were encouraging me!)

So that blog was to help me
keep a record...
Because I wrote it down and told God it's what I wanted.
If you write it down and speak it into the universe, it comes back to you.
So I was going to get it...
WHAT!?!
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was Oprah's idea.
Let's blame her.
She'll never know anyway.

So where was I
365 days after that first post?
Homeless
Broke
Broken
and so much more...

It is crazy reading the things that I wrote back then... 2.5 years ago...
I hope that when I read this, in the future,
I don't shake my head
and wonder what I was thinking.

Yes, God has promised to give me the desires of my heart.
But it's like I read the other day..
Life with Him isn't Burger King
I can't have it my way.

Psalm 37:4-5
4 Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
 

Why do so many people focus on the
underlined section of those verses
and completely forget highlighted part?

How much better
     would these last few years
have been
     had I asked God what
HIS will for my life was
     instead of telling HIM
what my plan was
     and expecting HIM to do it.


After reading I also did some praying today about an ex (J) who I wrote about like he was God in that other blog. It was really eye-opening for me to read it again. I say it took me two years to get over him... really, that was when he told me his heart belonged to someone else. So I was done. I have never been interested in a man who wasn't either available or a good enough liar to convince me that he was... but it is ridiculous that it took me that long and that THAT was the real end. Another "what was I thinking" moment. Last time I wrote about him, I called it part 1... but after today I doubt I will write much more about him.
It's over and done
And not because he moved on
It's done because J is not God's will for my life.
And that is what I care about
God's will for my life
     not my will
          not even Oprah's.


Roman's 12:2
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Defining moments

Remember when I wrote about how important a definition can be?

Here are a couple of other words I needed to pick apart and define.

Prostitution
in simple terms
is trading sex for money.
I wrote before how
God protected me
from that.
But really,
When I think of all the times
I traded sex
for a few smiles
for a few laughs
for a few hugs,
or just to feel attractive,
desired for a few moments...
or, so many times,
for an arm around me while I slept,
I realize that I was still a prostitute... I just had a flexible payment plan.

I almost did it again this weekend.
Sent a text to a guy
who I knew would lie to me
and say that he missed me
and tell me I am beautiful
even though I hadn't heard from him in months
just because I knew
he would stay the whole night
and snuggle up close.

It didn't work out. Thank God.

I was going to give up on a promise
that I really do take very seriously
just so I didn't have to sleep
alone.

While I don't want to dwell on mistakes that I almost made, picking all of this apart tells me something very important.

I am not a sex addict.
Sex addicts are addicted
to sex, porn, the chase, the act.
Not to being touched
and held
and cuddled
and feeling special
even if it's just for a moment.
Sex addicts separate their feelings
from their actions.
I never did.
Not one time.
Even when I purposely tried.
I couldn't stop feeling.
But they could...
and did.
So I moved on to the next
lying smile...
you wouldn't believe the lies I've heard
and accepted when I knew better.
because I didn't care
that he was lying
as long as he was lying next to me...
I could always convince myself it was worth it... what did I have to lose?

Now I'm thinking, with clarity
not in my emotion
not in my pain
not in my intoxication
and I realize that
I was going to give up on a promise
that I really do take very seriously
just so I didn't have to sleep
alone.
And I know it wouldn't have been worth it...
I am determined to reclaim all that I didn't realize I had to lose in the first place.