Tuesday, October 15, 2013


We don't say the word can't in my house.
     I started telling the kids that years ago.
          I used to tell them that all the time.
But me? Well, even when it isn't
coming out of my mouth
it is still running through my mind
in one form or another.

I know it is ridiculous.
I know that this life
is so much better
than the one I was living
God is doing wonderful things.
So why don't I feel wonderful?

What kind of person
looks at everything God is doing
and wishes it would stop,
even momentarily
so that I could feel normal?

Why do I continue to reach for some
vague definition of normal
when He has promised me
so much more?

Laziness? Maybe.
Jealousy? Possibly.
Selfishness? Probably.
Fear? Definitely.
They all leave me stuck in this place where I am now.

I can't finish this. It won't be right. Someone whose opinion I care about isn't going to like it. I'm going to end up disappointed. I don't know how. I don't care anymore. I quit. I give up. I probably have this wrong. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. It's too hard. I'm not ready for this. I can't handle this. It doesn't make sense. I'm just going to screw it up anyway. They don't really know me. Thank God nobody has any idea what I am really thinking right now. I'm going to fail, so why even try?
Over and over
all day long
all night long...
Yes, even in my dreams I fail.

Sometimes I can stay busy enough
to quiet the reminders for awhile.
Even a few hours of hushed voices
lift my spirits...
but they always come back
bringing with them
a different kind of exhaustion
than the one busyness creates.

Even as I'm writing this
I keep remembering other can'ts
and adding them to the list above.
Some I don't even add...

So what do I do?
What are my choices?
I am stuck choosing between two opposite paths.

 I can turn around and go back the direction from which I came... try to do it all on my own again... You know, because I was so awesome at it last time.

I can believe God's faith in me isn't completely misplaced and that I really can get where He wants me to be eventually... even if I don't understand it all now. It means fighting, even when I don't think I have any energy left. It means continuing to endure heartache and confusion and whatever else I have to endure to learn whatever it is I am supposed to be learning to make all of those can'ts not true. 

I did a Google image search for "God's Promises" and read through the pictures on the screen and some of them made me cry.

That's when I realized
that even though
I often doubt my ability,
if I care this much about
keeping my promises to Him...
How much more can I trust that He cares about keeping His promises to me?
He knows everything about me...
     Would He have pointed me in this direction
         and put His promises in front of me
     to read, to know, to believe
          if He knew I wasn't going to be able to do my part?

I hope not.
     'cause that's all I'm hanging on to at the moment...
          the hope that He already knows I'm not going to fail...

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