Friend

It was strange seeing the marker board at the hospital yesterday. My name, phone number, and under 'relationship', the word, FRIEND.

Now, I understand the practicality of it. I'm his daughter's mom.  If something happens, I need to know. But the fact that this person who expends more energy hating me than doing any other thing has a sign in his room with the word "friend" next to my name was a good kind of weird. 

I prayed it was prophetic.

While I don't expect to ever be meeting him out for coffee and chatting about our day like I would with other friends, I can't help but want good things for him. 

Lauren adores him. If there is no other reason in the world, that one is enough. The joy she had when we both attended her musical last month and sat at the same table at an after-party was obvious. We even got pictures of the three of us.

There are plenty of other reasons, too. I believe God creates everyone with something to offer the world. What we do with what we've been given is our own choice. But, if you don't understand the loving nature of God and the grace He's given you, making the right choice can be difficult.

Hurt people hurt people. 

I wrote once about collateral damage in dealing with other people. I said, "you can't yell at a drowning man for splashing water on you while trying to figure out how to save himself." 

Sometimes though, that drowning man has convinced himself that if he throws enough water on you, the ocean will be shallow enough for him to stand. 

I fought that water for years. It took a long time, but eventually I learned that as long as I'm in the boat, the water can't really hurt me. It's just water. 

The grace that taught me that, also taught me forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing.

I hope someday he'll see what a friend I really am and how much love, compassion, and confidence in God's grace it takes to stand at the bedside of someone who viciously blames you for everything that is wrong with their life in new and shocking ways on a regular basis, and offer to pray for them.

For his sake and Lauren's both, I hope it happens soon.
I would very much love to one day not think twice about being referred to as his friend.

¹²My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. ¹⁴You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. John 15:12-15

Twelve

We're in a calmer spot now, but I wrote this when we weren't. It's so easy to believe that because everything seems okay, everything is okay. We have to talk to our kids, know their friends, see the things they post online and who they act like they are when they don't know we are watching.


I've seen others go through it at many different ages, but for us, this time, it has been twelve.

We all think it's hard to be a kid when we are twelve.
Now I know it's harder to be a parent.

Twelve

Five miles of ocean below you

and you're only ankle deep

You can fight me all you want,

deny the depths that you can't see.

But I remember the murky waters,

the feel of waves crashing over me,

and I refuse to let you sink.

I refuse to let you sink.

You think your choices affect only you

and that none of them could be wrong.

You believe you've got the whole world figured out.

But you don't even know who you are yet,

No, you don't even know who you are.

Too young to grow up so quickly,

don't understand there's no reverse.

You can fight me all you want,

you can tell me that I'm the worst.

But I remember what youth is like,

though you think you're the first.
And I refuse to sit back and observe

I refuse to sit back and observe.

As much as I love you, He loves you more

and this job that He gave me isn't one I'll ignore.

You believe you've got the whole world figured out.

But you don't even know who you are yet.
No, you don't even know who you are yet.

Beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, amazing,

your smile lights up a room.

Created for something unimaginable now,

a flower I can't wait to watch bloom.

Let Him show you who you are...

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, 

so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

~Ephesians 2:10

A spark of enthusiasm

I know you've heard the verse before. Some of you even have it committed to memory.

Take delight in the LORD, 

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

~Psalm 37:4

I spent years holding onto that verse, expecting God to give me what my heart wanted. I would pray faithfully, for a while, because I somehow had the idea that if I asked enough times, God would give in. Then, when begging through prayer didn't work, I'd try something that pretty much amounted to bribery.

"Do You see how good I'm being God? I'm following all Your rules. 

If You want it to continue, then just give me what I want."

To me, "take delight in the Lord" meant "follow all the rules." And "He will give me the desires of my heart" amounted to Him handing over whatever I wanted at any given moment. And I was often angry that it didn't work out the way I planned.

I was reading a passage in Haggai today about the rebuilding of the Lord's Temple by the Israelites. When they discussed rebuilding the temple among themselves, they decided that it really wasn't the right time. They just weren't feelin' it. It wasn't a desire of their heart.

God sent a messenger to tell them to get on it. "Is anyone going to ask Me if it's time? You are spending so much time doing what you think you want, you aren't listening to Me. Start building!" and they did.

The Bible says they did it because they were afraid of God. Their fear was understandable. They still lived under the old covenant. Unlike us, they were still being rated on performance. But what interested me most about this story is in the 14th verse of chapter one.

"So the lord sparked the enthusiasm of Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel, governor of Judah, and the enthusiasm of Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest, and the enthusiasm of the whole remnant of God’s people. They began to work on the house of their God, the lord of Heaven’s Armies,"

They changed their minds to agree with God... and were they miserable about it? Did they drag their feet and have to force themselves to get up every day to do His will? No! It says He "sparked the enthusiasm" not just of the leaders, but of the group of people involved.

You can tell from the beginning of the passage that the Israelites didn't want to rebuild the temple. They weren't praying daily for God to please let the right time come soon. But when they heard God's voice and agreed with Him, He gave them a desire in their heart to do His will.

My favorite view of Praise and Worship
is from the sound booth.

I am in charge of the A/V department at church. I find, train, and schedule volunteers, design lighting scenes, record and edit services for online viewing, and often run the presentations from the sound booth during services, among other things. It is a time consuming and often frustrating position to be in. 

Considering all the other things going on in my life, all the reasons I have to say, "Sorry, I don't have time." why do I do it? Because I love it.

God put a desire in my heart to help my church share His Word this way.
He sparked my enthusiasm for this area of ministry.

I truly believe, and I did long before I ever read that passage, that God wants us to enjoy what we do in life. God did not create us to be miserable. If you aren't enthusiastic about your job or your area of ministry, or maybe even your family situation... you have to ask yourself two things. 

Am I delighting myself in the Lord?

What desires is God putting in my heart?

Maybe He wants to put a desire within you to change your family dynamics. 

Maybe He wanted you to take that job you were excited about, but seemed like too big of a risk. 

Maybe that thing you used to love doing that now feels like an exhausting chore, is a thing He wants you to let go of to make room for something more fulfilling.

Maybe, that area of ministry that you want to be a part of, but you just "don't have time for" will bring you more joy than you can imagine right now. 

Ask Him, and remember that God wants better for us than we can ever even dream of wanting for ourselves.

Glory belongs to God, whose power is at work in us. 

By this power he can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine. 

~Ephesians 3:20 (GWT)

You make known to me the path of life;

in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

~Psalm 16:11 (ESV)

Take delight in the LORD, 

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

~Psalm 37:4 (NLT)

What's your dream?

Have you ever had God whisper
a question into your heart that
He wants you to ask someone else?

It just happened to me.

Interviewing a possible employee,
impressed by her initiative,
her excitement,
and her research skills,
I was at a loss about
what to tell her or ask her next.

"What's your dream?"

It slipped out before I had a chance to think about it.

Almost explaining the question to myself
as I was saying the words to her,
"Nobody wants to work for me
for the rest of their lives.
What do you really want to do?
What's your dream?"

I had a hard time holding back tears,
I don't know if she noticed or not,
when she said, "I want to be a BioMedical Engineer."

From our short interview  I knew
already, a few of her labels
that would make some say, "Impossible."

Again, words of explanation
to her, but surprisingly for myself,
"I need to know what the dreams
of my employees are so that
I can support them
in whatever way possible."

Contemplating after she left,
I thought about an employee of mine
who is struggling to climb an iceburg
of which I can only see the very tip.
Yesterday I didn't know if she still had a job,
today I want to ask her, "What's your dream?"


If I'm honest, it's about more than her dream.
If I'm truthful, it's about more than helping others.

The combination of overwhelmed excitement
I am feeling is a revelation of my own
about my purpose in this place and time,
and all the possibilities He has coming.

"What's your dream?" is a stepping stone to
"Why have we been put in each other's lives?"
"What does God want from me?"
 and even, "Is this part of my purpose here and now?"

What's my dream? To change some lives,
rock some worlds, solidify some foundations.
And every time I get a glimpse
of how God might be letting me do so,
I can't help but feel overwhelmed with blessings.
and awed by His divine plans and amazing grace.

They are an iceberg of which I've only seen the tip.

 

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, 

to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
Ephesians 3:20

God bless Goliath

Everyone has giants in their lives that need to be slayed. Your giants could be trials, sicknesses, addictions, or even people. They make us feel like tiny David, up against a Goliath. Satan is constantly at work, and can manifest in so many ways. It is not uncommon for him to find a Goliath in our lives, and work through that person to try to destroy us and our testimony. One in particular is tormenting me at the moment, but I have complete faith that God will work this out as well.

 
Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all 

strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, 

and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

~Ephesians 6:11-12

When Goliath's wrath ramps up,
I remind myself that I'm not battling flesh and blood.
Anger at him isn't going to do any good.
Retaliating, arguing, fighting to get what I want
especially when all I want is peace
won't help the situation at all. I should pray.
I've reminded myself of this often over the years.

 

O Lord, oppose those who oppose me.
Fight those who fight against me.

~Psalms 35:1

And while I've prayed for God to rescue me from situations,
prayed for God to make Goliath see what he is doing,
how he is only ultimately hurting a child
who loves him to no end,
I recently realized that merely saying "this is of the devil"
and dismissing the person who is being controlled
isn't what we are called to do.

You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!

~Matthew 5:43-44

That's not so difficult, right?
How hard is it to throw a "God bless Goliath" out there
during my prayer time? Not difficult at all.
But I also know that my God isn't a fan of lip service.
He wants us not to just do what He says, but to mean it,
because flippant prayers don't change the world.

Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you.

~Luke 10:19

Why would God give us authority and power like this through Him
and not expect us to use it fully? Why would we want to? 
When God calls us to pray for our enemies,
He wants nothing less than direct and purposeful prayers,
and sometimes, He tells us, it takes more than that.

And when He had come into the house, His disciples asked Him privately, “Why could we not cast it out?”So He said to them, “This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting.” 

~Mark 9:28-29

How seriously are you taking attacks of the enemy?
How badly do you want to see change?
Your prayer life should reflect those answers.
Goliath's tactics ramping up? Drop to your knees.
It's time for specific, deliberate prayers, petitions
in the name of Jesus to shut mouths, open eyes and turn hearts.

Feeling tested?

 

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must
endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine.
It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—
though your faith is far more precious than mere gold.
1 Peter 1:6-7 (NLT)

Until the time came to fulfill his dreams, the Lord tested Joseph's character.
-Psalm 105:19

When you care...

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
John 15:12-13

Three years

A phone app called Timehop gives me a "This Day in History" for my life from my social media accounts. The posts range from funny to embarrassing to sad. Three years ago this week my kids and I moved to the local camp grounds for six months. What I tried to sell to them as an 'adventure' ended up being something only God could get us out of. Those posts are hard to read.

Most of the Timehop posts would seem fairly normal to those who were on the outside of the situation. But I can read between the lines of the posts. I lived between those lines.

I didn't realize it at the time, but even when I posted the words "in His own time," I didn't really care what His plan or timing was... because I had my own. I called my will His and cared mostly about what people could see. I didn't know I wasn't relying on God, but I did know that as long as I said I was, I couldn't be wrong.

Three years ago this week, my van caught fire while I was driving down the road. Ruptured fuel line. Amazing that the van didn't explode. Burns marked the pavement for over a year afterwards. The tow truck driver compassionately left my payment to him in the van's cup holder. Unless they read this, very few people know to this day that it happened only minutes after I left the casino where I blew $200 while praying for God to get me out of our mess.

 The fuel line ruptured between the second and third rows. 

Thankful I didn't have kids with me in the van.

The pile of stuff in the road on the right is Girl Scout Cookies.
They tried to save them, but were unsuccessful.

Three years ago today, my then six-year-old daughter had knee surgery. I had to get a ride to the hospital since my van was totaled. I don't remember how we got there now. Afterwards, her doctor considered keeping her over night as a precaution, but I decided we should go home. I wonder now if they would have insisted had they known where we were living.

I haven't yet decided if I'm happy to get these daily reminders from TimeHop, but it is very clear we have come a long way. Three years ago today I would have laughed if anyone had told me that I was going to run my own company and speak publicly about the things He's done for us.

Yet, here we are...

People say "Everything happens for a reason." I don't believe God planned all of this to happen so that I could be where I am. I do believe He let me make my own choices and, once I turned to Him for help, wove them together into something amazing.

And we know that God causes everything to work together 

 for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

~Romans 8:28

If you are called

These are the words that spurred my pastor, Chuck Tate​, to finally write the book he has had inside of him for about 15 years. The same book that won a publishing deal with Tyndale House Publishing this weekend.
 

Before I started this blog,
Before God rescued me from myself, 
Before I was ever homeless,
Before God started my business,
Before I was even an adult,
Before I understood that God called people to do anything.
Before I even understood Who God is, I knew I was called to write.

Lately I've been feeling the pull to write more and more, but I don't always have actual words to put on the page. I open the laptop and stare at the keys and nothing comes. Some call it writers block. Some look at my life and wonder how I have time to write at all, much less pull together a readable post.

I would say that God recently showed me the source of my writer's block, but what He actually showed me is the source of my drive and gift and love for writing. It's HIM. When I am in the Word, when I am praying, when I am focusing on and fighting for His will for my life, the words flow more easily.

It truly believe this is another gift from God. I am busy. I am easily distracted. (Really, easily distracted. Like, between the last two sentences I checked Facebook twice.) I run my own business. I have four children. I REALLY like sleep... sometimes (often) more than reading my Bible. God knows sometimes I need a little incentive right now, to focus on what He wants for me instead of all the distractions.
   
I hope that some day my walk with God will be so solid that I won't need writer's block to remind me I haven't been in my Bible in a couple days. But for now I'm grateful. He is equipping me to do what He has called me to do, and the encouragement to do so just keeps coming. 

Today I not only had a new blog post accepted as a "guest post" for an awesome blog site (bravegirlcommunity.com), but the women I submitted it to read through my previous posts here and asked to use an older one for another post later this spring. What an awesome blessing!

I wanted to share my news, and then I want to leave you with this thought:

Mark Batterson's quote about living 

in disobedience applies to more than writing. 

What is God calling you to do? 

Are you doing it?

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.

~Philipians 2:11

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.

~1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

 

Distractions

It surprises me
every time. Every single time.
One of these days I will be ready when it happens.

I'm sharing at a conference this weekend.
Sharing my testimony and how much God
has changed my life, now that I'm letting Him.

Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy
... and distract...
so of course the battles have been
tougher the last few weeks.

Feeling a little more confident...
If he's working this hard to pull me back down...
There must be some real possibilities to reach people...

Posting this from the conference.
Didn't get it out before.
So much I want to share.
Expect more soon!

 

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.

~1 Peter 5:8

Keep Satan from getting the advantage over us; 

for we are not ignorant of his wiles and intentions.
~2 Corinthians 2:11

Spinning

It's possible to have so many parts of a life in line with God's will and be completely out of line with Him in others. It's a careful balancing act, the enemy is tricky. It took one area of my life to begin spinning out of control again to realize just how far off I am today...

Today I am having
trouble understanding
how God can continue to
bless a woman who is
struggling so much to
understand, accept, and do
His will above all else.
Not because of the struggle,
but because of the many ways
I haven't bothered, the times
I've given up, given in, and
blatantly disregarded Him,
continuing to demand my own way,
kicking and screaming.
 
Spinning out of control,
I've come face to face with
a reality I've been denying.
I thought I had a handle on this
issue from my past, yet I've been
falling back into a familiar,
yet dangerous, pattern where
my will trumps His again and again.
I've begun praying that He
guards me from making choices,
because we both know where I am,
and that I won't choose wisely.

It's an embarrassing and humbling
admission, that He has to take my choices
from me if I am to succeed right now.
But worse than that is having God
sigh and say, "Fine, have it your way"
and watching things begin to spin out of control again.

I'm grateful that even when He does give in,
I only have to turn to see Him standing there,
with His hand out, waiting for me to realize
my errors, and turn around and reach for Him.

I know the way to combat this is to start with my thoughts. Read, pray, continue to ask Him for help.  

If you are reading this, I am asking you for prayer too. None of this is easy, but His will for my life is more important than anything else... and I need to remember that.

The mind governed by the flesh is death, 

but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.
~Romans 8:6

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
~Philippians 4:8

Unprepared

For someone energized by being around people,

a week of being stuck at home sick

proved to be too much for my mind and spirit.

Stomach flu on Christmas Eve Eve, followed by

fever and cough, only a few hours of “well” in between.

By day six, ten minutes without crying was my limit.

"Mind over matter" didn't work. I told the kids to get ready,

we were going out for dinner. Then the sunlight hit my retinas.

There was sneezing and tears, followed by real tears, followed by

a three hour nap after telling the kids, "Eat whatever you want."

We've gone through a lot of cereal this week.

While I know "Greater is He Who is in me,"

Satan is still pretty smart. Smarter than me.

I was weak from all of this, and he knew it, 

calculating the lies I was most likely to believe, 

lying alone there in my room, in the dark. I didn't even fight back.

I did manage to write a guest blog post about how faith

has changed my life. I sent it off feeling like a total fraud,

laying in bed, crying about life. I fought with a few people via text, 

ranted about this and that via IM, even sent off an angry email,

followed by an apology a few hours later.

All because I wasn't fighting back.

I'm feeling 95% better today...

and thinking about how I could have done things differently.

Why didn't I have praise and worship music playing?

Why didn't I stop and pray before I said words I couldn't take back?

Why have I read 127 internet articles this week, but few Bible verses?

Pain and sickness, two of the easiest ways to pull my eyes from Jesus.

In hindsight I see everything I could have done better a little more clearly.

Had I not been so caught up in busyness the week before, that I had

neglected prayer and reading and spending time with Him, it probably

wouldn't have been so far from my mind when I hit this wall this week.

Live and learn? I hope so.I can't believe I was so unprepared.

I still flew off the handle at my kids morning,

not quite as ready for the “normal” as I thought.

Pretty sure that I still owe them a better apology too.

Glad every minute is a chance to make the next right choice

and even failing completely an hour ago, doesn't mean the day is ruined.

Headed to Christmas at Mom's now.

My oldest child is driving while I type.

Looking forward to french toast, bacon and eggs.
Expecting to gain back some of the nearly10lbs I've lost this week... and not care a bit.

Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.
Colossians 4:2

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like 

a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8

Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-Prepared#sthash.NvO6MOYb.dpuf

Forgiveness

I've written several posts as
I worked through the loss of
a couple of friendships lately.
God kept telling me to let it go,
but I really didn't know how.

When I realized the key to letting
go was forgiveness, I was angrier.
"That's not fair!" I told God.

But I eventually tried...
and failed...
and tried again.
I tried several different ways...

This week I succeeded.

After praying about it, I said
a few things I needed to say
via email, and sent it off.
I woke up the next morning and
realized I felt better, even without
a response or acknowledgment.

While we must still interact on
a regular basis, when I let go,
I suddenly realized my feelings
about the person had changed.

Am I still disappointed? Sure. Am I angry? No.
And because of that, my actions have changed too...

No more being hurt.
No more accepting blame.
No more walking on eggshells.
No more apologizing for every interaction.

Does the enemy know my weaknesses? Yep.
Is he going to try to poke me every now and then? Probably.

But I feel free today, and I'm thankful
that I trusted God when He told me to let go,
and that today I am stronger than I was
a week ago, stronger than I was a month ago,
and so much stronger than I was a year ago.

Thank you, Lord for believing in me, even when I didn't. Thank You for strength and grace. Thank You for loving me unconditionally. Remind me of times like this when I doubt my ability to do what You ask of me. Remind me that when I leave You in control, everything works out. Amen.

Praise the Lord!
For he has heard my cry for mercy.
The Lord is my strength and shield.
I trust him with all my heart.
He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. 

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.
The Lord gives his people strength.
~Psalm 28:6-8

It doesn't matter

While sharing with a friend about how the ending of the other friendship has really confused me lately, he said something that made me stop and think. "Nobody has to be your friend. The answers you are getting don't make sense, but what does it matter? You aren't owed friendship. Maybe he just changed his mind. So what? The outcome is the same."

My only possible response was, "But he said..." I didn't say it though, because I realized he was right. It doesn't matter. The choice was made and has nothing to do with me. 

God and I were having a conversation about this as I was driving and I heard, "I told you to let it go. You aren't changing any minds by arguing or explaining, and I've already told you I've got this."

"You're right, God. I can do this. I can let it go. In fact, I can not care at all. They'll see. Doesn't bother them? Fine. Doesn't phase me either. If they can not care, I can too."

That's when God said, "Wow, that doesn't sound like forgiveness at all."

Thankfully, He timed that comment with a stretch of straight road, because I froze. "Wait, what!?" It hit me for the first time that letting go means forgiving too. "But, that's just not fair! Didn't You see? Didn't You hear? Didn't You...?"

He got really quiet after that, because I knew the answers to those questions.

He knows. He heard. He saw. It doesn't matter.

I know that when God tells me to do something, I have to do it... regardless of the situation, my feelings, my reasoning, or what anyone else involved is doing. It doesn't matter if I'm still confused or hurt or wish I could say just one more thing... It doesn't matter.

The question of how to do what He's saying? That one is a bit trickier... but if He made everything easy, I wouldn't have anything to write about! And how much fun would that be?

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, 

if you love one another.
~John 13:34-35

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, 

it keeps no record of wrongs.

~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Brokenhearted

Praying for direction tonight, awaiting some confirmation.
Praying for a quick resolution, but afraid that it won't be the one I hope for.

No heartbreak is worse than one pressed upon you by a close friend.
I've felt a familiar panic tonight as the friend in this scenario holds all the power.

I'm just along for the ride again and it's scary and confusing to me,
waiting to discuss things with them and waiting until they are ready to talk.

I worked so hard to become new and the person who has supported
and cheered me on the most has decided to believe the worst of me.

"Reasons and seasons" I've been told today. Let them go. They've served their purpose.
Considering the state of my heart right now, I could easily fathom it. But it wouldn't be right.

Real friendship means more to me than that, and this was real. I have to do something
Even if that means stepping away until the truth becomes clear, because it will.

Still waiting on direction. Hoping for a conversation.

This quote kept coming to mind tonight, I had to look it up:

"Your patient must demand that all his own utterances are to be taken at their face value and judged simply on the actual words, while at the same time judging all his mother's utterances with the fullest and most oversensitive interpretation of the tone and the context and the suspected intention. She must be encouraged to do the same to him. Hence from every quarrel they can both go away convinced, or very nearly convinced, that they are quite innocent." -Screwtape Letters

We've all done it before. We'll all do it again. The enemy is slick and knows just how to confuse us best. It's not the whole problem, but it played a big part in this one. So many assumptions floating around tonight, still waiting to be worked out, if there is any chance at all. Praying there is.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those 

who are crushed in spirit. - Psalm 34:18

Reminding myself

Yesterday, as I was driving up a hill, my transmission quit working properly. I babied it the remainder of the trip, and it now seems to be working okay, although it has slipped a few more times while driving.

Researching car values and considering the possibility of having to try to trade it in before it is gone completely, I started to worry. I can't afford a tune-up, much less a rebuilt transmission. I started to think that maybe a dealership would be able to get me into something else. I would be upside down on the loan, I'm sure... and deeper in debt. But I would have a car that works. But is that what God really wants for me?

This morning, getting ready to go speak to a great group of women, a thought popped into my head. What happened to the extravagant faith I've been talking about? Where is the fool in me who is supposed to ignore logic and reason and numbers and just have faith that before time began, God knew my transmission was going to give me problems and I was going to turn to Him for help?

Faith is the opposite of logic. Living by faith doesn't come naturally. I have to remind myself constantly that this is what I should be doing... and not just with the big things... with the little things too.

"God please don't let me forget to pick up dinner before 5."
"Please Lord, help me remember to schedule that doctor's appointment today."
"Lord, help me keep my 'umms' to a lower number today than last time I spoke."
"God, please put the words that someone needs to hear in my heart... 

and give me the courage to speak them."

I think I'll try this prayer... "Hey, God? Could you remind me to walk by faith if I forget today? This being human stuff is harder than You think..." So thankful for His mercy and grace today... and very much looking forward to sharing how He works out my transmission problem. :-)

For we walk by faith, not by sight.
~2 Corinthians 5:7

Starting small

I recently read a book about a man who learned to walk by faith in a way that seemed foolish to those on the outside. Seriously foolish. If your cupboards were almost empty and you had a family to feed, would you turn down a job with a 6-figure income because you knew God wanted you to rely on Him and He had another plan (even though you had no idea what it was)?

Over and over as I read this book, things from the book and things that happened in life both told me that this is something God wanted from me... this kind of faith. There was a reason I was reading this book at this time.

God has already taught me two lessons today... reminding me that I have to leave logic out... that I am not smarter than He is... that He knows what He is doing. Oh, and He's going to have a sense of humor about the whole thing.

Go buy a Bible. A real paper one, not something on your computer or phone.

I asked Him where to go and show me which one I was supposed to buy. Driving to the store, I thought about the Bible I wanted. I knew I didn't want one with devotionals or commentaries. I spend too much of my study time reading about the Word already. I need to read the actual Word.

I thought it would be great if I could find one with plenty of room to write in it as well. I even thought about inventing a Bible with blank pages between each printed page... so I don't lose my notes. Bibles are expensive, but God will provide, right? I had the money from the house I cleaned today in my pocket, and God would figure out how to plug that hole in the budget when the time came.

As I got out of the van I glanced down at the floor and saw a $5 bill. With a quick Heaven-ward 'Thanks!' I stuck it in my purse and joked to myself and God both, "I guess it IS an expensive Bible if I needed more than what I have on me!"

Inside I went straight for the clearance Bibles... no luck there. On the regular shelves I flipped through Book after Book and began to think that maybe I had already misunderstood His instructions. None were what I wanted and I couldn't really imagine spending everything I had on one that wasn't what I though He wanted me to get. With one more glance at all the shelves before I left, I saw a small book on a bottom shelf with a bright sticker on the cover: $2.97. A complete Bible with no commentaries or devotions, but very little white space either. 

How am I going to take notes in this? Should I get a notebook too?

Then He said something that surprised me.  Those notes you are worried about writing are for you. You aren't writing for you. You are writing for Me.

So, despite all I tried to plan out... I ended up with the Book and some candy for less than the $5 bill I had found on the floor of the van, leaving my budget intact. Oh look at that... You DID know what You were doing. Thanks God.

Driving home from the bookstore and thinking about that experience I started thinking about the guy from the book. Then silly me asked a question. So, what is MY version of passing up a 6-figure income with bare cupboards?

And He told me, driving down the road, as clear as if I had read the words on a billboard. Well, lets start with you taking down your eHarmony profile. Yes, I know today starts free communication weekend. Do it anyway.

Ah yes, Lord, You would pick that. I can't really do anything but laugh though. I did ask for it, and He and I have talked about this before. In the end though, I know that if I can't do something as simple as that, this is going to be a very bumpy roller coaster ride.

I have some studying to do now. God bless.

Light

It's often hard to explain everything that goes on in my life in a single blog post. While I was working through my issues with depression and D (which, in this case, are likely more closely related than I wanted to admit), God was still continually talking to me. Even when I didn't think I could hear Him, it became difficult to deny that He was speaking to me.

Different people, some who don't read my blog or know much about my personal life, have delivered messages to me, for me, from Him. Because He knows how hard headed and strong-willed I am, the repetition seems almost comical. "Let's see how many times I can fit this message into a single week. We'll see how long it takes her to actually get it."

Recurring themes from the last week or so?

• This isn't about right or wrong. 
• He just wants a closer relationship with you.
• Get in the Word. That's where you'll find your answers.
• Be in the light.

These verses have been delivered into my hands in one way or another over the last week. I know I'm hard-headed... but I think I might be catching on...

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.

~Ephesians 5:8–10

This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. 

~1 John 1:5-6

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” 

~John 8:12

“You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” 

~Matthew 5:14–16

He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light.' 

~Job 33:28

The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. 

~Romans 13:12

I love this song... He's definitely letting me feel Him shine right now.

Under my own power

Today, when anxiety overtook me, I laid down on my bed for a few minutes and lost two hours... a friend I reached out to sent me a reminder about a verse I needed.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 ~Philippians 4:6-7

I prayed and started to feel a bit better, though not completely, but decided it was time to get back to life.

I ran to the store, came home and made the kids dinner. For myself I made a huge plate of veggies and hummus to help counter-act the last several days of not really caring much about what I was eating. (Seriously, I ate a small cake*, all by myself, a bite at a time**, over the last four days... I wasn't going to admit that, but hey, it's a blog about accountability... I kinda have to!***)

Then, realizing I also hadn't been on the bike in a week, I took off after dinner for a quick ride.

Honestly, I don't know much about the technical aspects of a mountain bike. When I started riding again several weeks ago, I hadn't been on the bike in at least three years. I know nothing about the gears on my bike. My first time back out, I played with them a little and found a setting that works okay for uphill and a setting that works better for downhill. Since then I've pretty much stuck with them. Uphill, click click, downhill, click click.

Tonight I set out, praise and worship music in my earbuds and the GPS set to record my ride. Uphill first, click click, then a downhill, click click, followed by a lot of uphill click click. Around the one mile mark I started to think maybe I should not try to break the 5mile mark today. Maybe I should turn around and go home soon. Then, just to see what would happen I started clicking through my gears.

Click click, pedal pedal pedal, nope.
Click click, pedal pedal pedal, hmm.
Click click, pedal pedal pedal... hey now, this isn't so bad...
Lets try... click click, pedal pedal pedal... this might work...

Wait, what? I just hit two miles? I think I could really do this next half mile or so before I turn around. I kept pedaling and ended up going over the three mile mark before turning around to head home because it was getting late... not because I was tired or worn out.

As I headed back home, click click click click click (mostly downhill) I was pretty proud of the distance I'd covered thanks to figuring out those gears. Then a thought occurred to me, "Hmm, how long have I been laboring up these hills on this trail under my own power when I had help right there that I wasn't using?"

I had the power of the gears right there, at my disposal, but I was comfortable with the way I had been doing things before. It wasn't that I didn't have faith the gears would help, I just wasn't even trying to use them.

That's when I heard it. "You do that a lot, you know... try to conquer life's hills under your own power, when you have Someone else right there, waiting for you to ask for help."

Really? I mean, can't I just go for a bike ride without learning a lesson? Apparently not today.
(That's not really a complaint though.)

I often think God is getting me through things, up and down life's hills. I tell others that God is getting me through, when really, I've just become so comfortable where I am with Him that I say "Yep, I've got my gears set right" and then I pedal harder. 

Today when that anxiety hit me, I asked for prayer and gave my own, "please make this go away" prayer for myself before I started focusing on those verses.

Still, I wasn't just letting Him handle it. I was trying to handle it myself. Find some comfort food, put on a warm sweater, crawl under the comforter in my bed, pray with my eyes closed and my head on the pillow... It wasn't until later, out for a ride, that I realized I had definitely been in the wrong gear.

Do I have an answer yet as to how to get myself in gear? Not really. Starting in the best place I can think to look... the instruction manual.

² Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 

³ For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  

⁴ So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

⁵ If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 

⁶ But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.  

⁷ Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 

⁸ Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

⁹ Believers who are poor have something to boast about, for God has honored them.  

¹⁰ And those who are rich should boast that God has humbled them. They will fade away like a little flower in the field.  

¹¹ The hot sun rises and the grass withers; the little flower droops and falls, and its beauty fades away. In the same way, the rich will fade away with all of their achievements.

¹² God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

~James 1:2-12 

Don't read these disclaimers:

*It was a quarter sheet, fluffy white cake with heaps of butter-cream frosting.

** Sometimes three or four bites at once.

***Totally worth it, just sayin'.

Willful resignation

Someone commented on a previous post
telling me they had been where I am
"I have been through that place - 
a place of depression and despair 
and frustration and willful resignation."

One word struck me in that comment... willful.
I knew what it meant, of course,
but I looked it up anyway.
I needed to see, in black and white,
who the cause of all of this stress has been...

Willful resignation... was I deliberately giving up 

because I wasn't getting what I wanted or wasn't 

seeing what I thought I should be seeing?

I wrote about my lack of prayer,
neglecting spending time in the Word
my general lack of enthusiasm
for anything 'right' and 'true'
as if those things are supposed to be based on feelings.

I don't know which lie got in first,
but it only takes one to give
the enemy the foothold he needs
to get the rest of them in there too.
I didn't really even try and fight to keep them out.

"I want the most important thing
in my life to be God's will."
How many times have I said that?
How many times have I written that?
But things got difficult, life got harder than usual and I caved.

Just because God isn't visibly doing
what I want Him to do at the moment
doesn't give me the right to toss my hair,
stomp the other direction, arms folded,
like a defiant teenager, shouting, "Fine. I'll do it myself!"

I do know keeping up this attitude
has really only been hurting myself.
There is a word for that... Self-sabotage?
Hmmm, that doesn't sound like me at all.
Just don't ask my friends or family or anyone who knows me.

Being deliberate and intentional
is a good thing when faith is involved...
not so much when we are talking about resistance and defiance.

I'm not saying everything is fixed
I can't say everything is fine now
But I can say that I know it is MY problem and not His.

I'm working on it.
 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:6-8 NLT

 
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

John 10:10 ESV