"So I shared my thoughts and then told them, 'We don't need to argue about it. I know you are capable of growth and I'm going to give you time to do that.' "
A friend was sharing their story of a stressful conversation* with a loved one and that's how they ended the conversation.
I could not stop thinking about how profound that was on several levels. I wrote a script of sorts that can be used in tense conversations, especially when disagreeing on something deeply personal, ethical, or political to keep from fueling division and bring a greater hope for change. It's been effective so far, and I felt it was worth sharing.
When you know that what you are saying in that moment will not bring about immediate change, try saying something like:
"I know we don’t see this the same way right now, but because I believe you're a thoughtful and capable (kind, intelligent, loving, etc.) person, I know that you have the capacity for growth. So, instead of arguing about it, I’m going to give you the space (time, opportunity, etc.) to consider that [insert concise point here]."
If possible, plan what you want to say ahead of time. It helps make sure you have the right words in the moment. It doesn't have to be word for word, but working to get your point across this way is helpful for more reasons than you might realize.
1. Growth vs Change. One is universally viewed as natural and positive, while the other is often seen as forced and negative.
2. You've told them who they are. Telling someone who they are in positive terms, encourages them to be that person. It's the same way God deals with us.
3. Nobody "Wins." If and when the other person is able and ready to change their thoughts, actions, etc, they can do so without fear of hearing "I thought you said..." or "I told you so." because they know someone who knows they are capable of growth, will appreciate the natural growth without making a big deal about it or making them feel bad.
4. Room for prayer. Not only have you professed your belief in their capacity for growth, but you have now given yourself the opportunity to continue to pray for them. Not necessarily that they will do or believe what you say, but more specifically, that God leads their growth in that area.
5. You have hope. Depending on the conversation, someone having a different belief than you can be so disheartening that you want to cut ties.
6. Grace and faith lead the way. This is a way to use our grace and faith to lead with a positive assumption and offer space for reflection, not resistance.
A couple of other important thoughts:
None of this is to say you should stay in an unsafe situation or without outside support in the hopes that someone will show radical growth in an area that is uncommon for people to do so without assistance. This is not way to talk someone out of abusive or addictive patterns.
Remember that just because you have invited growth, it doesn't mean it will happen overnight - or possibly at all. This is a tool to add to your toolbox that includes discernment and prayer.
Below I'm including a video that I really appreciated about how to draw the line between being understanding of someone else's mental state and holding them accountable for their actions.
I hope to write more personally soon.
Much love.
* paraphrased, but accurate
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