Four reasons I didn't say Black Lives Matter & the one reason I do now

A friend of mine posed an honest question on Facebook. For those who are stuck on "All Lives Matter," why are you still there?

I thought giving an honest answer might help others understand how to get the message across as well. Then, when I went back to paste my answer in, the question was gone. So I decided to turn it into a blog post. 

I, of course, believe Black Lives Matter. Always have. I love people, all people.

However, I only started saying it that way very recently... within the last week or two. It was hard to switch from saying ALL to BLACK... Here's why.

First of all, I felt pressured into the change. I was told I was a racist for not saying it. And because I know I'm not, I wasn't going to be shamed into changing. 

Many people who are passionate about this issue are also hateful to those who don't understand. So hateful, we fear asking questions because we know the answers we will get and labels that will be put on us. For many of us, our first response is to cling tighter to what we believe and ignore those who hurt us.

Second, change and growth often mean admitting you were wrong before. Admitting you might have been wrong is a hard thing for us humans, but so are change and growth... and we know those are desirable. Still, because of the other reasons mentioned here, there was no way I was saying they were right and I was wrong.   

Third, it seemed like it was tied to a political party. I felt saying it meant turning my back on my other political beliefs. I was afraid I was accepting an agenda I knew nothing about and didn't understand from a political party that makes no sense to me. I wasn't giving up a part of myself that was important to me (the rest of my political beliefs) for a phrase I didn't understand.

Which is the fourth reason... I really didn't understand. All lives matter feels like the most agenda-less of the two phrases. It felt like a phrase nobody could disagree with in a society where everyone fights about everything all the time. "All lives matter" feels safe.

But this last couple weeks everyone has been angry with each other, fighting over every word and action and definition. Quick to accuse and delete and I realized the first thing I needed to do was try to understand.

Asking questions was awful. I don't know why people are so mean to someone who WANTS to understand them. Instead, many would rather make me feel bad for not understanding them already. So I saved questions for when I really needed to hear other people's thoughts. The rest of the time I researched on my own. 

When I first read the burning house analogy, it sort of made sense to me.

I was thinking about that one a little bit. 

But then I saw this post on Facebook about Jesus leaving the 99 to go after the 1. 

That's what made it clear. I was able to see it & understand then. And because nobody was yelling at me or looking down their nose being condescending to me, I also was able to realize it wasn't political tied to an agenda. It's about people who are hurting, asking us to acknowledge their value.

How many times in my life, have I sat at the feet of  Jesus, broken, and said, "Tell me You love me, Lord." Imagine if the message He sent back, however He sent it, came across as, "I love all my children." 

While true, that answer would have crushed me... because I didn't need reassurance about all God's children in that moment. I needed to know that I was loved. Looking back, I've come to realize that God has NEVER ONE TIME let me leave one of those moments without knowing I was loved. 

People stuck on the word "all" need realize this is not about politics or agendas or bowing to pressure. It's not about whether you have been right or wrong.

This is about a group of people crying out in pain saying, "Please tell me I matter to you."

When that happens, we have to put aside our own fear, politics, agendas, and feelings, and tell them, "Yes, you matter to me. Of course you matter to me. I hear your pain and I want you to know, your life matters to me." 

And that's the one reason I say, Black Lives Matter. 

#BlackLivesMatter

Friend

It was strange seeing the marker board at the hospital yesterday. My name, phone number, and under 'relationship', the word, FRIEND.

Now, I understand the practicality of it. I'm his daughter's mom.  If something happens, I need to know. But the fact that this person who expends more energy hating me than doing any other thing has a sign in his room with the word "friend" next to my name was a good kind of weird. 

I prayed it was prophetic.

While I don't expect to ever be meeting him out for coffee and chatting about our day like I would with other friends, I can't help but want good things for him. 

Lauren adores him. If there is no other reason in the world, that one is enough. The joy she had when we both attended her musical last month and sat at the same table at an after-party was obvious. We even got pictures of the three of us.

There are plenty of other reasons, too. I believe God creates everyone with something to offer the world. What we do with what we've been given is our own choice. But, if you don't understand the loving nature of God and the grace He's given you, making the right choice can be difficult.

Hurt people hurt people. 

I wrote once about collateral damage in dealing with other people. I said, "you can't yell at a drowning man for splashing water on you while trying to figure out how to save himself." 

Sometimes though, that drowning man has convinced himself that if he throws enough water on you, the ocean will be shallow enough for him to stand. 

I fought that water for years. It took a long time, but eventually I learned that as long as I'm in the boat, the water can't really hurt me. It's just water. 

The grace that taught me that, also taught me forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing.

I hope someday he'll see what a friend I really am and how much love, compassion, and confidence in God's grace it takes to stand at the bedside of someone who viciously blames you for everything that is wrong with their life in new and shocking ways on a regular basis, and offer to pray for them.

For his sake and Lauren's both, I hope it happens soon.
I would very much love to one day not think twice about being referred to as his friend.

¹²My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. ¹⁴You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. John 15:12-15

Collateral Damage

I spent a big part of my life angry.

I was
angry at people,
angry at God,

angry at the world,

angry in general.
I often had
a smile on my face,
and something nice to say.
But inside was
a ball of rage.

Hurt people hurt people
and I was good at it:
a cutting remark,
a passive-aggressive act,
and every once in awhile
a volcanic eruption of rage
that sent people running for cover.

Always followed by an apology
that may or may not have included
how justified I was anyway...

I was in perpetual victim mode,

and likely caused some

collateral damage myself.

It was the revelation

that people are just people
and that their thoughts
and their actions
don't define me,
that started me on the
path towards forgiveness.

The freedom that comes

with that forgiveness
is unlike anything else
I've ever experienced.

It also taught me
no matter what
was done to me
I was responsible
for my own reactions.

I used to think my story

was full of bad guys

who set out to destroy me:
People whose only goal
was to see how high
they could climb
while stomping on me.

I eventually came to realize

that the only bad guy

in my story is Satan.

Everyone else is just human.

When that realization sunk in,

the amount of grace I was able

to extend to others and myself,

grew exponentially.

My feelings were hurt this week.
And I asked myself

what was wrong with me.

And then I asked myself

what was wrong with them.

And then I remembered.

Both of the answers are the same.
Nothing.
We're just people. 

People trying our best

to keep our lives from

spinning out of control

while causing as little collateral damage as possible. 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels,
but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
1 Corinthians 13:1

The bad guy

As my testimony has been shared through various outlets over the last couple of years, a few characters in the story of my life have let me know how much they don't appreciate it. 

Sometimes, the upset comes from feeling like they have been portrayed badly in the story. But occasionally it was because they weren't mentioned at all. Afraid of what someone might think if they step back and look at the big picture, I'm sure they imagine others thinking or saying: "Isn't that Kindall's so-and-so? Why weren't they mentioned? Where were they? Did they just let all of this happen to her and the kids?"

Let me start by answering that last part. Nobody just let anything happen to us. Our circumstances were a result of my bad choices and my pride. Other people's choices affected me, but I made the final decisions on the direction our lives went. 

In response to these characters, it would be easy for me to share one of my favorite quotes and leave it at that...

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. 

If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

~Anne Lamott (Bird By Bird)

But, as I think about all of this again in the light of grace, I realize that it is important to me that people understand that I don't write to make anyone look bad. My story doesn't need a bad guy. It already has one... and he was way worse than any mere human who made hurtful choices.

Actually, whether you write it out or not, the same is true for your story.

The only "bad guy" in your story is Satan. Everyone else is just human. When you realize that, the amount of grace you are able to extend to others (and yourself) increases exponentially.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. Not just the forgiveness we have through Jesus, but also the forgiveness we share with others. As I write my story, some awful things that some people did will inevitably be included... but I hope to be able to convey that I no longer associate anger or pain with those people. 

I could continue to wallow in the hurt and pain. I could continue to be in victim mode indefinitely. I could spend my hours writing about the ways others tried to steal, kill and destroy. I could let it eat away at me. 

I could, but I won't. I choose to have life, and to have it abundantly.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. 

I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

~John 10:10

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander 

be put away from you, along with all malice. 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

~Ephesians 4:31-32

Redeeming humanity

Why do we refuse to acknowledge
the battles, the struggles, the pain?

It doesn't make us any less redeemed,
to admit that we are human. It might even
make us more so, as it is our humanity
that makes us worth redeeming.

At some point we must realize that
being redeemed, saved, valued, loved
by the God of all creation, doesn't fix
our lives, resolve our problems, perfect us.

In fact, it often makes our issues
even more glaringly obvious when the
Holy light shines down on them and
reminds us of how far we still have to go.

God is in the business of redeeming humanity,
not taking away choices, even choices that
involve turning away from Him. If we were
perfect upon redemption, our choices would
be gone, we'd know too much to have free will.

So we continue this life, redeemed, but human
while trying to put on a "perfected" facade.
Who are we lying to... God? He knows better.
The world, our friends, maybe just ourselves? Why?

Maybe we fear being called 'hypocrite'
by those who don't understand we are
still on a journey towards perfection.
Maybe we fear acknowledging all
the work we know we have left to do. 

Twice recently, I have been reminded that
sharing my struggles is just as important
as sharing how I've succeeded in Him.

And yet, I couldn't help but think today
what a fraud I am, claiming God has
rescued me from depression and still
reacting to an old trigger with an inability
to function productively for a few hours.

I kept looking for confirmation of all
I was thinking and feeling, knowing
I'm a fraud and a failure, and I found plenty.

I almost believed it all, until the redeemed
within me began fighting back, against
the lies I was hearing, reading, believing.
I still believed most of it when I sat down
to write tonight, prepared for a negative post.

So many things are happening that make me
question my worth on all levels. And yet, I know
that as long as I keep fighting, He'll always
pull me through. And as hard as it is to believe,
it doesn't matter who thinks what of me.
 
I found this song tonight...

Yes, these struggles chase after me,
threatening to overtake me. But I know
none of those things own me any longer because
He who is in me is greater than all of it... and He will use it for good.

 My foes have trampled upon me all day long, For they are many who fight proudly against me. When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.
~Psalm 56:2-3

It doesn't matter

While sharing with a friend about how the ending of the other friendship has really confused me lately, he said something that made me stop and think. "Nobody has to be your friend. The answers you are getting don't make sense, but what does it matter? You aren't owed friendship. Maybe he just changed his mind. So what? The outcome is the same."

My only possible response was, "But he said..." I didn't say it though, because I realized he was right. It doesn't matter. The choice was made and has nothing to do with me. 

God and I were having a conversation about this as I was driving and I heard, "I told you to let it go. You aren't changing any minds by arguing or explaining, and I've already told you I've got this."

"You're right, God. I can do this. I can let it go. In fact, I can not care at all. They'll see. Doesn't bother them? Fine. Doesn't phase me either. If they can not care, I can too."

That's when God said, "Wow, that doesn't sound like forgiveness at all."

Thankfully, He timed that comment with a stretch of straight road, because I froze. "Wait, what!?" It hit me for the first time that letting go means forgiving too. "But, that's just not fair! Didn't You see? Didn't You hear? Didn't You...?"

He got really quiet after that, because I knew the answers to those questions.

He knows. He heard. He saw. It doesn't matter.

I know that when God tells me to do something, I have to do it... regardless of the situation, my feelings, my reasoning, or what anyone else involved is doing. It doesn't matter if I'm still confused or hurt or wish I could say just one more thing... It doesn't matter.

The question of how to do what He's saying? That one is a bit trickier... but if He made everything easy, I wouldn't have anything to write about! And how much fun would that be?

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, 

if you love one another.
~John 13:34-35

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, 

it keeps no record of wrongs.

~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Doing better

Doing much better tonight.

I wish is wasn't so difficult

to remember sometimes,

that God is in control.
I wish lots of things had

worked out differently,
but am thankful tonight

that His grace is enough.

God is good, no matter what happens.

He has a plan and it isn't always clear from where I am standing.

When I asked Him to shine through the cracks yesterday,

and focused on letting Him take care of my heart

I started seeing things differently.

None of the circumstances have changed, and if I dwell on it I could still be upset. But if I've learned nothing else over these last several months, it's that God has a better plan than I do. Holding on to that today.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” 

~Psalm 32:8 (NIV)

“It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.” 

~Psalm 118:8 (NIV)

Shine through

Crushed by the loss of my best friend,
(the friendship ended, nobody died)
I've been reeling for days.

Oddly enough, knowing it's over 
has been easier on me
than the days leading up to,
when I knew that was happening
and was just being told to wait.  
Rip the band-aid off quickly
     quit making me hang in limbo.
Cruel, but not unusual punishment.

No fault was accepted by them
and not one apology offered
by the now absent friend.
And the fallout from the loss
has likely ruined at least
a couple of other friendships.
Praying I can suck it up enough
to not have to change the areas
where I serve at church as well. 

My overly emotional reactions
were blamed for the severing,
proof someone doesn't understand
me as well as I thought, nor
women and their friendships,
or what fear of abandonment
can do to a girl like me.

The most meaningful thing was said to me today:
"You do not deserve to be abandoned—especially for the cause of wanting not to be abandoned." 

The panic and tears overwhelmed me
several times today, forcing me to pray, sing,
or just out loud ask God to make it stop.
It. Make IT stop. It has a name: Grief. 
I'm so tired of losing, grieving losses, of being broken.

Reading today, He reminded me... it is in my weaknesses that His strength is shown. If I had none, then how would anyone see Him in my life? If I am a fragile clay jar, containing His light, nobody will see it unless there are some cracks for the light to shine through.

Well, there is another great big one, God... please find a way to shine through it. 

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

~2 Corinthians 4:7 

 

Defensive wounds

My youngest daughter's father wanted to talk about something. So instead of sending a text or calling to say, "When are you free to talk?" He was waiting in the foyer when my church service let out last night. I told him to leave and that I would talk to him later, walking away. Then, partly to keep him from approaching me again, I stood near a male friend.

Just standing near someone who, from the ex's perspective, I may or may not be dating, or who may or may not stand up for me if he pushed the issue was enough to keep him away for awhile. Eventually that friend had to go. So I tried again to get the ex to leave. He tried to start an argument.

My 'Boundaries' reading kicked in and I told him to leave because we were not talking then or there. He went to the parking lot and I refused to walk outside until he got in his car and drove away. I called him shortly thereafter and he refused to talk because it wasn't on his terms.

I think I handled it okay on my own. And to be fair, there was nobody at the church who I expected to step in and back me up. But it doesn't make me long for that any less... to have someone step in and back me up, defend me, tell him that he doesn't have a right to harass me. At the very least, silently put an arm around me and walk me away from the situation without escalating it.

It's something I have always wanted. Even when I was married, my husband wasn't the kind of man who would do that. There were times I begged him to defend me. He wouldn't. No man I've dated since would look at my kids or my mom or someone else who was being disrespectful and say, "I won't allow you to talk that way about/to her."

A few months ago I wrote this about my ex-husband and his wife:

While I have forgiven them for what happened,
it is hard to understand why God would honor a relationship
that tore my marriage apart, letting them find happiness
and marriage in spite of the pain they caused,
while I continue to struggle on my own. (-Not about the boy)

A few days later, my ex-husband showed me the blog post and told me that someone had sent it to him. I don't know who it was, nor do I care. For the record, I had every intention of getting my husband back... of putting my family back together. But what he had with her at the time was new and fun, with no stress, no baggage, nothing that required anything of him... just an eighteen year old girl who hung on his every word and wrote him love notes and put them on his fridge where his wife could see them. So yes, that relationship tore my marriage apart... 

What does that have to do with this post today?

He saw a blog post that, in his mind, called his wife a homewrecker. So he drove to my house, and stood in my kitchen, and defended her honor.

He defended her honor to me.
 
I tried to emphasize the most ridiculous, hurtful parts of that sentence... "He defended her honor to me." But there was no way to pick it apart. Take from that what you will. I took a lot of things from it. None of them good.

As much as I often wish I had someone to defend me to others, sometimes I need someone to defend me to me...

For all the times and ways God has used me, even recently, despite all my failings, you'd think I'd have more positive things to say... I mean, I know things have to get better. They are going to turn around. I'm going to have something positive to say again soon, I'm sure. Maybe even tomorrow. But I can't see it today.

Controlled by feelings

As I steadied myself with a hand on the hood of my van before this morning's meeting, I gave a quick look around to see if anyone was nearby. Thankfully, nobody was. Had they been, it wouldn't have mattered anyway. There was no way I wasn't losing my breakfast that very moment.

I had forgotten about the side effects.

Over the last month or two, I have been struggling more and more to deal with life. My anger sometimes pops up quickly. I've sworn at my children. I've screamed at them. Not often, but I know it shouldn't happen at all. I nap almost every day. I cry myself to sleep at night for one reason or another a couple of times a week. I often pull myself together for meetings or friends or clients, but afterwards I am exhausted because pulling off 'semi-normal' is difficult at times.

It was time to get help again.

I stopped taking my anti-depressants over a year ago. For the most part, looking back, I don't really see any evidence that stopping was a bad idea. I've continued to live a healthier life, exercising, eating better, spending more time with Jesus than I did before, working, volunteering, writing... but lately all of those things are a struggle too.

So, what has changed?

I wish I could say for sure. For awhile now I have been telling myself that if I could just make myself make better choices, I could be in a better place mentally and emotionally. This week I realized that I have to be in a better place mentally and emotionally in order to make better choices.

While I don't think it is the cause of my current crisis, my attempt to start dating again this year has lead to a lot of these ups and downs. To be honest, I don't want to stop dating. D and I still hang out from time to time, but he moves to Colorado in 3 weeks. Our relationship is not healthy, even just as a friendship. One day he wishes I could move with him and the next he doesn't want to see me at all. He is a good man, a very good man, but PTSD is wreaking havoc on his life and I've been letting his actions reinforce all the lies I've ever been told about myself.

I remember telling a close friend who said he no longer believed in God because he couldn't "Feel Him" anymore, that feelings have nothing to do with it. You just have to believe and you will see. I've been letting myself be controlled by my feelings again for too long. And even when I've been able to see it, I've been unable, or unwilling to stop it.

I started taking the pills today. I don't remember the side effects being this bad last time, but I see my doctor again next week. Hopefully the nausea will be gone by then. I'm going to try to take them at night so that all happens while I'm asleep instead... we'll see.

I appreciate your continued prayers. I still believe God is and will continue to use me in big ways, unfortunately, I have to be human for Him to do that.

Not my will?

I've had a really hard time lately with a lot of things.
I can go through them all, one by one,
and give you the ups and downs
that I haven't written about for awhile,
but most of it really comes down to one thing...

Yup. Still mad.

Still grieving over what was supposed to be.
Still trying to figure out how to follow God
and do all He says and bring others to Him
with all He has given me even though 
He won't give me the one thing
that I most want in this life right now.

I've heard the sermons again and again.
I heard it three times this weekend even...
makes me think God is trying to tell me something.

Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life 

in this world will keep it for eternal life. ~John 12:25

The things we cling the most tightly to
are the things that we will lose.
While the things we let God have control of
are the things we will gain in eternity.


The visiting pastor today said,
"You take everything you want for your life
and you go to God and say, Here, take this,
I want what you want. That stuff doesn't matter."
Then he said, "It's that easy."

Easy? If it was easy then I would've done it long ago.
I thought I did, really. I thought I gave it up already.
I've written about this life not being about me.
I was giving Him what He wanted... and even that wasn't easy.

In truth, I was doing what I had to do to get what I want.
In truth, I know what a selfish person I am.
In truth, I'm too scared to be anything else.
If I don't take care of me, if I don't fight for myself, nobody will.

     Not even God, Who has made it clear that He does what's best for His kingdom
     and I shouldn't worry because eventually I'll be happy... even if it's not until eternity.

How is accepting that easy?
I guess I do agree that it is easy
to say, "I want Your will, not mine."
The difficult part is meaning it.

Right now, in this area of my life,
to say that would be lying to God.

Unfortunately being omniscient makes
Him really good at knowing
if we are telling the truth or not.
And I don't know how to make
"I want Your will, not mine" not a lie.

There's always the chance that His will in this is actually pretty similar to mine...
But that requires a level of trust that I don't have... and I don't know how to get it.
Because my biggest fear is that forcing me to accept being alone forever and me being okay with it is a much better story for Him than just giving me what I've always wanted all along anyway.

I don't know how to be okay with that.

Willful resignation

Someone commented on a previous post
telling me they had been where I am
"I have been through that place - 
a place of depression and despair 
and frustration and willful resignation."

One word struck me in that comment... willful.
I knew what it meant, of course,
but I looked it up anyway.
I needed to see, in black and white,
who the cause of all of this stress has been...

Willful resignation... was I deliberately giving up 

because I wasn't getting what I wanted or wasn't 

seeing what I thought I should be seeing?

I wrote about my lack of prayer,
neglecting spending time in the Word
my general lack of enthusiasm
for anything 'right' and 'true'
as if those things are supposed to be based on feelings.

I don't know which lie got in first,
but it only takes one to give
the enemy the foothold he needs
to get the rest of them in there too.
I didn't really even try and fight to keep them out.

"I want the most important thing
in my life to be God's will."
How many times have I said that?
How many times have I written that?
But things got difficult, life got harder than usual and I caved.

Just because God isn't visibly doing
what I want Him to do at the moment
doesn't give me the right to toss my hair,
stomp the other direction, arms folded,
like a defiant teenager, shouting, "Fine. I'll do it myself!"

I do know keeping up this attitude
has really only been hurting myself.
There is a word for that... Self-sabotage?
Hmmm, that doesn't sound like me at all.
Just don't ask my friends or family or anyone who knows me.

Being deliberate and intentional
is a good thing when faith is involved...
not so much when we are talking about resistance and defiance.

I'm not saying everything is fixed
I can't say everything is fine now
But I can say that I know it is MY problem and not His.

I'm working on it.
 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:6-8 NLT

 
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

John 10:10 ESV

What am I fighting?

I know there is a battle going on here,
as surely as I know I'm losing it.
Then again, maybe I'm not.
It's hard to know if you
are winning or losing a battle
when you don't know which side you're on.

Over the past couple of weeks
I've said that I'm fighting,
but something tells me
if I were really fighting
the anger, pain, emptiness,
fear, depression, temptation
then I would be fighting while
in the Word and on my knees,
while diving into whatever is right,
while surrounding myself with good.

And if I'm not doing those things,
then what am I really fighting?

I hit my knees and fall asleep,
daydream, or stare into space.
My radio has played more oldies
this week than in the last six months.
I feel like I am walking in heavy fog,
as if nothing I say or do really matters
for today, tomorrow, or in the long run
even though I somehow know each step does.

My heart skips a little when I see
evidence that He is fighting for me,
but if I smile and say thanks
and then walk the other way...
what does thanks even mean?
"Thanks, but You've got the wrong girl."

Even writing this now, knowing
where I am and where I should be,
why am I not broken over these weeks?
Why do I feel like I just don't care?
Am I really fighting the world,
or just pushing Him back,
to keep Him at arm's length?
How long will He keep fighting
before He lets me have my way?

How long will it take to realize I don't really want it?

How many times can I say
Please protect me from myself
and expect Him to answer?
Maybe He has stopped already.

Not about the boy

It would be easy to assume
that my last post about anger
had something to do with the boy,
the relationship that didn't work out.
Truth is, I'm kinda over him.

I held on longer than I should,
used him to rebel in my own anger.
But the reality is, I don't like
the way he was treating me.
Imagine that. Somehow this girl got some standards.

Maybe it isn't just anger
that is my actual problem.
As I've talked to a few friends
one word keeps coming up,
maybe the right word here might be grief.

I've been a single mom for 11 years.
I was twenty-three years old,
pregnant with our third child,
twelve weeks from graduating college.
Suddenly all alone.

If I had known then that there would be
nobody there for the next 11 years,
to experience the good, the bad,
the exciting, the mundane with me,
I don't know that I would have survived.

I did survive it of course,
not without a ton of mis-steps
and mistakes and regrets.
But I did survive.

Now, eleven years later, there are some things
that I really wanted and hoped for
that are seeming less and less likely...
And I look at where I am and wonder
how Someone who loves me would let me go through all of this.

While I have forgiven them for what happened,
it is hard to understand why God would honor a relationship
that tore my marriage apart, letting them find happiness
and marriage in spite of the pain they caused,
while I continue to struggle on my own.

I'm used to people telling me they love me
and then disappointing me and making me cry.
I need to believe that God really does care about my pain.
In order to trust Him, I have to believe He is different than them.
So why does it all too often feel the same?

While texting about something totally different tonight
a friend replied, "GOD knows exactly what He's doing!"
Yes, that's what He keeps telling me too, but it doesn't make
the passing of time, the death of hopes and dreams, broken hearts,
or the whispers about what the future might never hold, hurt any less.

So I'll continue to grieve all that I feel is lost,
asking for restoration of the years the locusts have eaten,
knowing God is close to the broken hearted,
hoping He doesn't make me wander in the desert for another 29 years.

And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten 

Joel 2:25a 

The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
    He rescues them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
    he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

 

Psalm 34: 17-18

 

 

Ready for different problems

God has a plan. I know.
I'm doing my best at the moment
to stay on it and to stay focused
on the fact that this life I'm in
is not about me, but about Him
Some days my best isn't so great.

I am far from perfect.
When someone accused me of
being angry with God,
I couldn't deny the truth.

I answered back smartly,
probably more harshly
that I would have intended
if I had taken a breath
before sending my reply.
But the fact is, I am angry.

I posted a few weeks ago
about something that made me
send a big "F You" upwards
to the God who knew
I would get hurt
but didn't seem to care
because it fit into His 'plan.'
But the more I think about it
the more I have realized
that my reaction to the problem
was really more of a flare up
of a layer of pain and anger
that I have kept hidden
as much as possible.

My anger wasn't just something
caused by this recent problem.
Smoldering beneath the surface
for who knows how many years,
the situation just ignited it.

I would love to finish this post
with some great Biblical verses
to show how I released the anger
and am now fine with whatever
God decides to do with my life.

Really though, I'm still angry.
This isn't the life I wanted.
This isn't where I want to be right now.
Different circumstances just bring
different problems, right? Okay...
I want different problems. I'm tired of these.

God knows the anger is there.
It's not a surprise to Him.
He didn't need me to admit it.

I still think that when the situation
that makes me angry eventually changes,
I will be able to let go of the anger...
But it's been insinuated that I
have to let go first, before I'll see change.

I hope that's not true.
I hope God accepts
this fault within me
and covers it with His grace,
because I don't see it going anywhere, any time soon.

I'm fairly certain I'll break first.

Still the same

Far from perfect, yet
I still thought I did
everything mostly right.
So it didn't make sense
that it was really over.

When I realized it was,
all I wanted to do was
send a giant F You upwards
to the One who knew
I'd get hurt,
     and didn't care
          enough to stop it.

It was hard work deciding
to do things differently.
It was hard believing that
I could change and was
a new creation. But I did.

"Doesn't it seem like
you are following
the same old patterns
with this relationship
as you did before?" he said.

"No. This is different.
You are different than
those guys. Our relationship
is not the same as the ones
I had before." I said.

"We're not getting back together.
Nothing that happens now
is going to change anything.
You understand that, right?"

"Yes," I lied, and pulled him to me.

I thought

I thought it was an amazing revelation
that God is not a jerk, just waiting for me
to screw up so He can punish me.
Instead I am beginning to realize that
without fear of His immediate wrath
I'm not in such a hurry to do what I should.
And even as I type that I ask myself
"What the heck is wrong with you!?!
After all He has done, do you consider
shrugging off these gifts and promises
simply because it feels difficult this week?"

I want to repent for the thoughts swirling in my head, but I don't think I mean it.
And I know enough to know that He would know the truth.

I am sure that this is just a temporary
tug from the direction of the enemy.
I know that His plans for me are great
because He knows me and loves me.
Just feeling incredibly human at the moment.

Headed to prayer at church.
Focusing on some other people's prayers
would probably be good for me right now.

I know a lot about jerks

It's interesting to see the ways
that I often think similarly
about God and men.
Even more interesting to see lately
how often I am wrong about them both.

Two things happened yesterday;
one where I knew
the man I'm dating, (D)
was angry with me,
and where I knew
that the God who loves me
was angry with me.

In the former,
I was fixing my own van
and purposely did not ask for help.
I did what I could on my own
and eventually through several texts
and a phone call where it was determined
I didn't follow instructions properly
got a response to just stop
and he would come look at it.
I felt awful. I should be able
to do this without asking him
to go out of his way to help.
I don't want to need to be rescued.
I was afraid he was angry
and probably would help but
not want to come back over for dinner
because I messed up.

Last weekend, I felt God
call me to prayer and fasting
which I have never
seriously done before.
It was not an easy thing
for me to agree to,
but if God asks, how can I say no?
I was over 40 hours in
and had seen some evidence
that God was moving.
It was really amazing.
But I hadn't received any word
on how long this was supposed to last
and I was starting to get frustrated
with life... (DIY car repairs)
so I asked Him to tell me when it would end
and without waiting for an answer
I opened the fridge
and ate some leftovers.
I felt awful. I should be able
to do this without messing it up.
Good things were happening
and I was afraid God was angry
and was going to stop them
because I messed up.

D came over and helped me
finish fixing the brakes on the van.
He didn't act mad once,
and when we were done
he asked me what we were having for dinner.
He came back over later
and we all had a great time.
Before he left he told me
I had done a great job on the van.
I was confused. What!?!
How is that possible?
How can he be proud of me when I thought he would be angry?

Thinking about this after D left
as well as some other things
that had happened that evening
it occurred to me that even after
I had broken my fast,
the answers to my prayers
were still moving forward.
I was again, confused.
How could this be?
I had given up without His direction.
Is it possible that He too was proud of me for trying, instead of being angry?

A friend had pointed out to me
that, when in doubt, I will always assume
the man I'm with is going to be angry.
I thought I knew a lot about men.
Turns out, I only know a lot about jerks.


Where did I get the idea that God
gets angry when I make mistakes?
When did I decide that His goal
in watching us was to see
the mistakes and hand out punishments?
Somewhere along the way
I've let my knowledge of jerks
color my beliefs about God...

I don't think God is mad that broke the fast. I think He knew it would happen, and didn't tell me how long it would last because I needed to learn this lesson.

I know myself well enough to know I will likely need to learn it again and again, but in the mean time I can definitely come away from the entire experience knowing that good men don't react the way other men do, and God is so much better to me than I give Him credit for, even on a good day.

Alone

If I only share the positive, then none of what I write matters.

I am tired, angry, and frustrated at the moment.

I can say it over and over.

Sometimes I even convince myself it’s true.

As long as I have Jesus

I am not alone.

But let’s be real here…

(because if you haven’t noticed

I’m all about being real here…)

I am still alone.

Go ahead and argue with me.

Remind me of every amazing thing

God has done

and is doing

in my life.

I know!

Tell me how much worse

other people have it.

I know that too.

I will tell you that

Monday night I went to a Christmas program by myself.

Tuesday night I went to a funeral alone.

Tonight was another Christmas program.

I have no Christmas decorations up.

I haven’t done one bit of actual shopping.

I can’t wait for my kids to go away for the weekend.

I feel awful for saying that.

It doesn’t make it less true.

Promises are comforting

But they don’t park the car.

And they don’t make the dinner.

And they don’t do the laundry.

And they don’t clean the house.

And they don’t make holiday plans.

And they don’t stand up for you when nobody will listen.

I do all those things, and so much more.

Alone.

The worst part is knowing

it will be this way

for a very long time.

I don’t like to admit it…

but I know.

Now you’re probably thinking,

 “Hey, isn’t this the girl

who keeps telling us

this life isn’t about her?

It sure sounds like she thinks it is…”

I know that too.

Unfortunately for me, I’m also still human

And as I’ve said before… humanity sucks.

Thank God for mercies that are new every morning.

Praying that tomorrow will be a much better day.

Not banking on it though.

Who wrote that?

Someone pointed out to me that I while I was upset and wrote with a defeated attitude Saturday I still signed the post as "Child of the One True King."

Blogger does that automatically... I don't sign my name every time. In fact, through blogger.com it is nearly impossible to change who you are once something is posted by you.

While explaining that earlier, I felt a little internal nudge and the words, "Sound familiar?"

Yeah, it does...  because even if I'm having a bad day, a defeated attitude, an argument with God, if I'm experiencing doubt, or conviction, or fear, or anger or frustration or even if what I'm writing is all full of roses and sunshine and happiness and faith... to Him, my name stays the same.

~Child of the One True King

Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31-32 NLT