I can go through them all, one by one,
and give you the ups and downs
that I haven't written about for awhile,
but most of it really comes down to one thing...
Yup. Still mad.
Still grieving over what was supposed to be.
Still trying to figure out how to follow God
and do all He says and bring others to Him
with all He has given me even though
He won't give me the one thing
that I most want in this life right now.
I've heard the sermons again and again.
I heard it three times this weekend even...
makes me think God is trying to tell me something.
Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life
in this world will keep it for eternal life. ~John 12:25
The things we cling the most tightly to
are the things that we will lose.
While the things we let God have control of
are the things we will gain in eternity.
The visiting pastor today said,
"You take everything you want for your life
and you go to God and say, Here, take this,
I want what you want. That stuff doesn't matter."
Then he said, "It's that easy."
Easy? If it was easy then I would've done it long ago.
I thought I did, really. I thought I gave it up already.
I've written about this life not being about me.
I was giving Him what He wanted... and even that wasn't easy.
In truth, I was doing what I had to do to get what I want.
In truth, I know what a selfish person I am.
In truth, I'm too scared to be anything else.
If I don't take care of me, if I don't fight for myself, nobody will.
Not even God, Who has made it clear that He does what's best for His kingdom
and I shouldn't worry because eventually I'll be happy... even if it's not until eternity.
How is accepting that easy?
I guess I do agree that it is easy
to say, "I want Your will, not mine."
The difficult part is meaning it.
Right now, in this area of my life,
to say that would be lying to God.
Unfortunately being omniscient makes
Him really good at knowing
if we are telling the truth or not.
And I don't know how to make
"I want Your will, not mine" not a lie.
There's always the chance that His will in this is actually pretty similar to mine...
But that requires a level of trust that I don't have... and I don't know how to get it.
Because my biggest fear is that forcing me to accept being alone forever and me being okay with it is a much better story for Him than just giving me what I've always wanted all along anyway.
I don't know how to be okay with that.