Wednesday, July 2, 2014

I don't know

There are more half-written, unpublished blog posts languishing in blogger purgatory than I can count right now. I think I hear God speaking to me, I start to write, and the things I am thinking don't make sense on paper... and I've totally lost the point of whatever I thought He was saying.

I don't know how to be real right now.
I don't know how to be inspirational right now.
I don't know how to be encouraging right now.
I don't know how to be me right now.
Probably because I feel like there are two very distinct people here.
The person I am and the person I am supposed to be.
I thought I knew how to bridge the gap, but now I'm not so sure.

I can make all the good choices I want, try to do the right things, but if the inside doesn't change, then I'm just playing a game.
I don't feel different today. I don't feel changed.
The only real change I see is that I actually care that there is a difference between acting changed and being changed... and that it is killing me to feel like I'm the former. Fake it til you make it, right? But most of the time I feel like I'm just waiting for everyone to figure out that I'm a fraud.

I know whatever change needs to be made, He can do. But He hasn't. I don't know if God is making me wait for something or if He is waiting for me to do something.

Exhausted by the waiting and the not knowing, but plodding along anyway, certain there is a plan.
 It was good to know that I am not the only who feels this way...

And frankly, I'm really tired of painful.

Yet another post that's all over the place and makes little sense to most people, but I'm out of energy for thinking or writing or anything but sleeping...

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