Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Controlled by feelings

As I steadied myself with a hand on the hood of my van before this morning's meeting, I gave a quick look around to see if anyone was nearby. Thankfully, nobody was. Had they been, it wouldn't have mattered anyway. There was no way I wasn't losing my breakfast that very moment.

I had forgotten about the side effects.

Over the last month or two, I have been struggling more and more to deal with life. My anger sometimes pops up quickly. I've sworn at my children. I've screamed at them. Not often, but I know it shouldn't happen at all. I nap almost every day. I cry myself to sleep at night for one reason or another a couple of times a week. I often pull myself together for meetings or friends or clients, but afterwards I am exhausted because pulling off 'semi-normal' is difficult at times.

It was time to get help again.

I stopped taking my anti-depressants over a year ago. For the most part, looking back, I don't really see any evidence that stopping was a bad idea. I've continued to live a healthier life, exercising, eating better, spending more time with Jesus than I did before, working, volunteering, writing... but lately all of those things are a struggle too.

So, what has changed?

I wish I could say for sure. For awhile now I have been telling myself that if I could just make myself make better choices, I could be in a better place mentally and emotionally. This week I realized that I have to be in a better place mentally and emotionally in order to make better choices.

While I don't think it is the cause of my current crisis, my attempt to start dating again this year has lead to a lot of these ups and downs. To be honest, I don't want to stop dating. D and I still hang out from time to time, but he moves to Colorado in 3 weeks. Our relationship is not healthy, even just as a friendship. One day he wishes I could move with him and the next he doesn't want to see me at all. He is a good man, a very good man, but PTSD is wreaking havoc on his life and I've been letting his actions reinforce all the lies I've ever been told about myself.

I remember telling a close friend who said he no longer believed in God because he couldn't "Feel Him" anymore, that feelings have nothing to do with it. You just have to believe and you will see. I've been letting myself be controlled by my feelings again for too long. And even when I've been able to see it, I've been unable, or unwilling to stop it.

I started taking the pills today. I don't remember the side effects being this bad last time, but I see my doctor again next week. Hopefully the nausea will be gone by then. I'm going to try to take them at night so that all happens while I'm asleep instead... we'll see.

I appreciate your continued prayers. I still believe God is and will continue to use me in big ways, unfortunately, I have to be human for Him to do that.

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