Monday, April 21, 2014

What am I fighting?

I know there is a battle going on here,
as surely as I know I'm losing it.
Then again, maybe I'm not.
It's hard to know if you
are winning or losing a battle
when you don't know which side you're on.

Over the past couple of weeks
I've said that I'm fighting,
but something tells me
if I were really fighting
the anger, pain, emptiness,
fear, depression, temptation
then I would be fighting while
in the Word and on my knees,
while diving into whatever is right,
while surrounding myself with good.

And if I'm not doing those things,
then what am I really fighting?

I hit my knees and fall asleep,
daydream, or stare into space.
My radio has played more oldies
this week than in the last six months.
I feel like I am walking in heavy fog,
as if nothing I say or do really matters
for today, tomorrow, or in the long run
even though I somehow know each step does.

My heart skips a little when I see
evidence that He is fighting for me,
but if I smile and say thanks
and then walk the other way...
what does thanks even mean?
"Thanks, but You've got the wrong girl."

Even writing this now, knowing
where I am and where I should be,
why am I not broken over these weeks?
Why do I feel like I just don't care?
Am I really fighting the world,
or just pushing Him back,
to keep Him at arm's length?
How long will He keep fighting
before He lets me have my way?

How long will it take to realize I don't really want it?

How many times can I say
Please protect me from myself
and expect Him to answer?
Maybe He has stopped already.

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