God has a plan. I know.
I'm doing my best at the moment
to stay on it and to stay focused
on the fact that this life I'm in
is not about me, but about Him
Some days my best isn't so great.
I am far from perfect.
When someone accused me of
being angry with God,
I couldn't deny the truth.
I answered back smartly,
probably more harshly
that I would have intended
if I had taken a breath
before sending my reply.
But the fact is, I am angry.
I posted a few weeks ago
about something that made me
send a big "F You" upwards
to the God who knew
I would get hurt
but didn't seem to care
because it fit into His 'plan.'
But the more I think about it
the more I have realized
that my reaction to the problem
was really more of a flare up
of a layer of pain and anger
that I have kept hidden
as much as possible.
My anger wasn't just something
caused by this recent problem.
Smoldering beneath the surface
for who knows how many years,
the situation just ignited it.
I would love to finish this post
with some great Biblical verses
to show how I released the anger
and am now fine with whatever
God decides to do with my life.
Really though, I'm still angry.
This isn't the life I wanted.
This isn't where I want to be right now.
Different circumstances just bring
different problems, right? Okay...
I want different problems. I'm tired of these.
God knows the anger is there.
It's not a surprise to Him.
He didn't need me to admit it.
I still think that when the situation
that makes me angry eventually changes,
I will be able to let go of the anger...
But it's been insinuated that I
have to let go first, before I'll see change.
I hope that's not true.
I hope God accepts
this fault within me
and covers it with His grace,
because I don't see it going anywhere, any time soon.
I'm fairly certain I'll break first.