The light at the end of the tunnel

I've watched him struggle both for and against independence.
Sometimes my heart broke for him.
Sometimes I was angry at him.
Each step was so. slow. and. deliberate.
"Just do it!" I'd think. "It's not that hard."
A couple of times I even said it out loud.
And while I never doubted he could do it,
   I often knew he wasn't ready.

Then one day this spring, after a breakthrough of mythic proportions,
he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,

Ben changed my life long before we dated.
It's exciting to walk with him as he
changes his own. I love this guy. <3

"I'm going to be okay."
"I have a future."
"I've never believed that before."
     and my heart stopped in my chest.
I still can hardly type those words without tearing up.

All those times I was frustrated to tears,
all those times I pushed him and he shut down,
all those times I tried to talk about the future
and he said he didn't know what he wanted from life...

It wasn't indecisiveness or him being wishy washy.
It certainly wasn't about us.
     He literally did not believe he had a future.
     He couldn't see it.

When you are in a tunnel with no light at the end,
     how far do you keep walking before you just stop?
Ten years? Twenty? More?

I'm so proud of how hard he fought,

even those times I didn't know if I could much longer.

I'm so proud of how he is continuing to fight,

     to be the man he knows God created him to be,

to turn that 'head knowledge' he's been acquiring for years

about exactly what Jesus thinks of him

     into the 'heart knowledge' he needs to move forward 

with hope into the abundant future we've all been promised.

While the scale isn't always as grand, everyone struggles with this on some level. There is almost always an area of our lives where we don't have a vision for the future. Maybe it's an area of your life that you don't even know exists yet.

Proverbs 29:18 says, "Where there is no vision, people perish."

The lack of vision can affect someone on a large scale, or it can affect a certain aspect of their lives. A person with no vision for personal finances, will see their finances fall apart.  A person with no vision for their business, will never see it grow. A person with no vision for their relationships with their family will see those relationships start to wither away.

The enemy works overtime to keep us from having vision, from seeing the light at the end of our tunnels. It's not that the light isn't there... he can't turn it off, he can only distract us from seeing it. And of all the the things Satan is good at, distraction is at the top of the list.

When it comes to vision for our future, there are a lot of ways to keep us distracted... pain, sickness, stress, and drama are just a few. One of his favorite ways to distract us is to try to convince us we are someone different than who God says we are.

Knowing who you are in Christ is the MOST important part of keeping Satan from distracting you, because while we may be temporarily distracted from seeing the Truth, the Truth hasn't changed.

Proverbs 23:7 says, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he."

When you start to feel hopeless, and you can't find the light, and you don't know how to fight... don't just remind yourself who God says you are... remind Satan that you know who you are... So that the God of hope can fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

The Gospel According to Google

Years ago, I read a book by John Howard Griffin who said, "Every fool in error can find a passage of scripture to back him up."

I remember thinking it was funny at the time. I even thought about coming up with ridiculous positions on things solely for the purpose of finding scriptures to back them up, just to see if he was right. Now, as an adult, I see that he was... and today it's even worse than Griffin likely imagined it could be thanks to the pervasiveness of Google.

With a quick search for a couple of key words, anyone these days can not only find a verse that fits their viewpoint and a translation with just the right wording, but they can zero in on that verse without ever reading it in context.

Some, like those from the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, use random verses to spew hatred... ignoring large portions of the Bible, while others focus only on the positive passages they want to read, ignoring verses about sin altogether. 

Still others are loving, respectable pastors and leaders who truly care about those they are serving. Yet, for one reason or another, they forgo the revelation that comes from studying the word, and spout Bible verses that only make sense within their message when read out of context.

Here's an example: Hebrews 10:26

For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, 
there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins.

Read out-of-context that is a scary verse for me! Believe it or not, I still sin sometimes. In fact, sometimes (often), I still sin deliberately. Don't you? 

(If you said "no," that was probably a lie... which means you can now say, "Yes.")

In the last week I have deliberately lied to one of my children, eaten way more food than I needed or was good for me, made a rude comment about someone who annoyed me, and have even deliberately broken the speed limit! 

And while I said "In the last week," let's be honest here... 

I probably did all of them, 

within minutes of each other, 

in a single afternoon.

That is a lot of deliberate sinning... and it likely doesn't even come close to the actual list of sin in which I have participated in the last week. Thankfully, I know that it isn't a scary verse for me.

Hebrews 9 and 10 talk about the sacrifice that Jesus made at the cross for us. We can be assured in these verses that ALL of our sins: past, present, and future, have already been forgiven. So, if future sins have been forgiven already, what sin could one commit that would be held against them?

What about the sin of rejecting Jesus and His forgiveness? Someone who does this, has no other alternative. They have received the knowledge of the truth and for some reason, deliberately turned their back on God. 

Why would anyone do such a thing? I don't know. Ask Judas. He saw Jesus in action and still rejected him. It happens, which is why we are being warned about it here. The point is that we should not worry with each and every sin that we may be in danger of losing our salvation, 

In his commentary on these verses, Andrew Wommack says, "Those who truly love the Lord and yet sin, however grievously, need not fear these verses. These verses are for those who totally renounce their faith in the Lord. They know what they’ve done, and they don’t care. They hate the Lord."

And writer Paul Ellis asks, "How can we interpret Hebrews 10:26 as a warning against sin when Hebrews 9:26 says that Christ appeared once for all “to do away with sin by the sacrifice of Himself”?"

While I don't believe most of the people who use scripture out of context mean to hurt Christians, it is important for us to guard ourselves against teaching that might do so. When you hear a sermon or read something that contains a verse for reference. Always take the time to read it for yourself and ask God what He wants you to receive from His Word.

He (Jesus) has appeared once for all at the end of the ages 

to put away sin by the sacrifice of himself.

~Hebrews 9:26b

I want to tell you

I have a half-dozen, half-finished posts in my drafts folder.
I have so many thoughts and revelations I want to share
about what God has done and what He wants for my life, and yours.

I want to tell you what He really thinks of you, who you are in Him.
I want to tell you how He gave us the power to move mountains.
I want to tell you how He brought both healing and forgiveness to all.
I want to tell you how He empowers us in Him to do ALL things.

I could wait a few more days, keep trying to write those things,
hoping that eventually I would "feel it" when I hit "Publish."
Or I could put together a post from my head, instead of my heart,
and hope that He uses it to inspire you anyway.

But instead I have to admit that I don't have the energy.
Life is overwhelming me today. Nothing is going as I planned.
Nothing is happening in my time. Fear is trying to take over.

Yet still I want to tell you all of those things...
because regardless of how I'm feeling today,
regardless of the battles I am fighting this moment,
I KNOW these things are true.

These are not just cliches to be tossed back and forth between hurting people.

These are Truth, the Truth that sets us free.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. 

Romans 8:11

I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, 
and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.

John 14:12

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; 
the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.

Isaiah 53:5

Not afraid

An interesting conversation about grace with friends this weekend brought up the subject of our fear of God. Without really thinking about it, the first thought I had flew out of my mouth, "I'm not afraid of God."

I wrapped my brain around what I had just said as I saw the surprised looks on some of the other faces at the table. Maybe everyone should be backing away from me slowly, on the lookout for lightning bolts. Maybe the earth is about to swallow me up. I know God was listening. Did I really mean what I just said?

Absolutely.

This morning I looked through old blog posts for evidence of my previous fear. I know that I used to be afraid of God. Honestly, some of them were hard to read. One word kept coming up though.

Trust.

In one post I commented how God's love seemed a lot to me like the selfish love I'd already encountered in this world. (Love that left me broken, hurting, untrusting.)

In another post I made it clear I was taking John 12:25 literally.

Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life 

in this world will keep it for eternal life. ~John 12:25

I was totally scared God was going to make me miserable while using me for His plans... with the promise that "in eternity it wouldn't matter..."

If I could just endure, just get through this life without messing up, it would be a testimony for others to see and He would be happy with me... and that all mattered more (to Him) than me being miserable. It was exhausting. No wonder I was fighting Him all the time.

So what made the difference? Why did I stop fearing God?

The Gospel of Grace. Finally learning what grace really is and how it applies in our lives, I'm diving into a deeper relationship with Him and rising to the surface with a level of trust I didn't know I could have. Knowing that I am the righteousness of God in Christ, and that He sees me as perfect (in spite of my mistakes) breaks off the constant performance anxiety and fear of His consequences.

Don't misunderstand, I do believe sin still has earthly consequences. But I'm no longer living under the fear that one wrong move, action, or thought, will bring upon me His wrath or His indifference, the latter of which probably scared me more.

The word "gospel" literally means "good news" and the word it comes from is actually better defined as "nearly too good to be true news." 

A God Who loves me, and isn't watching for the moment I make a mistake so that He can move on to someone more faithful, better suited for His work, or who isn't rewarding my faithfulness with indifference... for a girl who has spent most of her life fearing indifference and abandonment more than anything, that IS "nearly too good to be true news." And yet, I am fully convinced of its truthfulness, trusting God more today than I ever have... although probably a little less than I will tomorrow. :-)

There is no fear in love.

 But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. 

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
~1 John 4:18 NLT

What's your dream?

Have you ever had God whisper
a question into your heart that
He wants you to ask someone else?

It just happened to me.

Interviewing a possible employee,
impressed by her initiative,
her excitement,
and her research skills,
I was at a loss about
what to tell her or ask her next.

"What's your dream?"

It slipped out before I had a chance to think about it.

Almost explaining the question to myself
as I was saying the words to her,
"Nobody wants to work for me
for the rest of their lives.
What do you really want to do?
What's your dream?"

I had a hard time holding back tears,
I don't know if she noticed or not,
when she said, "I want to be a BioMedical Engineer."

From our short interview  I knew
already, a few of her labels
that would make some say, "Impossible."

Again, words of explanation
to her, but surprisingly for myself,
"I need to know what the dreams
of my employees are so that
I can support them
in whatever way possible."

Contemplating after she left,
I thought about an employee of mine
who is struggling to climb an iceburg
of which I can only see the very tip.
Yesterday I didn't know if she still had a job,
today I want to ask her, "What's your dream?"


If I'm honest, it's about more than her dream.
If I'm truthful, it's about more than helping others.

The combination of overwhelmed excitement
I am feeling is a revelation of my own
about my purpose in this place and time,
and all the possibilities He has coming.

"What's your dream?" is a stepping stone to
"Why have we been put in each other's lives?"
"What does God want from me?"
 and even, "Is this part of my purpose here and now?"

What's my dream? To change some lives,
rock some worlds, solidify some foundations.
And every time I get a glimpse
of how God might be letting me do so,
I can't help but feel overwhelmed with blessings.
and awed by His divine plans and amazing grace.

They are an iceberg of which I've only seen the tip.

 

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, 

to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
Ephesians 3:20

The lie

Nothing like a post titled "Fearless" to work up the enemy, right?

Yesterday morning,
after so long without issue,
panic swept over me.
Sitting outside,
laptop on the patio picnic table,
I attempted work.
To those who saw,
or called or passed by,
I probably seemed fine,
possibly even normal.

But frustration grew
as my mind was flooded,
with so many absurdities,
distracted from my work,
brain in a codependent meltdown.

What did he mean by that?
Why didn't she talk to me?
Is she avoiding me now? Is he?
Did I say the wrong thing?
No one situation, all random.

I stopped and prayed.
I searched through, read through,
and highlighted scripture.
Took a short nap, then ran an errand.
The elephant left my chest.

Codependent meltdown?
After having been freed from
codependency and proclaiming
myself healed to all who would listen,
how could this have happened?
I wrestled with it for most
of the evening afterwards.
Was I wrong about being healed?
Had I made a mistake somewhere?
What was wrong with me?

That's when it dawned on me
what was happening.
I KNOW I am free.
I can feel the difference.
What a fun game
for the enemy to play,
to try to cause doubt to creep in.

Satan didn't win any victories
over me yesterday as I struggled
with panic and and worry.
The only way he could have
was if I had begun to doubt,
if I had accepted the lie
that he was trying to feed me.

Instead, I recognized the lie,
and am spreading the word...

Satan doesn't find his victory in
a moment of your weakness.
He finds it in your acceptance of the lie
that you will never be able to rise above it.

Don't give up!
 

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are.

~1 Peter 5:8-9

Take heart

You are going to make it. Just sayin'.

Wait, did you think this post was for you? Maybe it was... but today it is for me too.

~~~~~
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
~Romans 8:37-39

 

God bless Goliath

Everyone has giants in their lives that need to be slayed. Your giants could be trials, sicknesses, addictions, or even people. They make us feel like tiny David, up against a Goliath. Satan is constantly at work, and can manifest in so many ways. It is not uncommon for him to find a Goliath in our lives, and work through that person to try to destroy us and our testimony. One in particular is tormenting me at the moment, but I have complete faith that God will work this out as well.

 
Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all 

strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, 

and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

~Ephesians 6:11-12

When Goliath's wrath ramps up,
I remind myself that I'm not battling flesh and blood.
Anger at him isn't going to do any good.
Retaliating, arguing, fighting to get what I want
especially when all I want is peace
won't help the situation at all. I should pray.
I've reminded myself of this often over the years.

 

O Lord, oppose those who oppose me.
Fight those who fight against me.

~Psalms 35:1

And while I've prayed for God to rescue me from situations,
prayed for God to make Goliath see what he is doing,
how he is only ultimately hurting a child
who loves him to no end,
I recently realized that merely saying "this is of the devil"
and dismissing the person who is being controlled
isn't what we are called to do.

You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!

~Matthew 5:43-44

That's not so difficult, right?
How hard is it to throw a "God bless Goliath" out there
during my prayer time? Not difficult at all.
But I also know that my God isn't a fan of lip service.
He wants us not to just do what He says, but to mean it,
because flippant prayers don't change the world.

Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you.

~Luke 10:19

Why would God give us authority and power like this through Him
and not expect us to use it fully? Why would we want to? 
When God calls us to pray for our enemies,
He wants nothing less than direct and purposeful prayers,
and sometimes, He tells us, it takes more than that.

And when He had come into the house, His disciples asked Him privately, “Why could we not cast it out?”So He said to them, “This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting.” 

~Mark 9:28-29

How seriously are you taking attacks of the enemy?
How badly do you want to see change?
Your prayer life should reflect those answers.
Goliath's tactics ramping up? Drop to your knees.
It's time for specific, deliberate prayers, petitions
in the name of Jesus to shut mouths, open eyes and turn hearts.

Three years

A phone app called Timehop gives me a "This Day in History" for my life from my social media accounts. The posts range from funny to embarrassing to sad. Three years ago this week my kids and I moved to the local camp grounds for six months. What I tried to sell to them as an 'adventure' ended up being something only God could get us out of. Those posts are hard to read.

Most of the Timehop posts would seem fairly normal to those who were on the outside of the situation. But I can read between the lines of the posts. I lived between those lines.

I didn't realize it at the time, but even when I posted the words "in His own time," I didn't really care what His plan or timing was... because I had my own. I called my will His and cared mostly about what people could see. I didn't know I wasn't relying on God, but I did know that as long as I said I was, I couldn't be wrong.

Three years ago this week, my van caught fire while I was driving down the road. Ruptured fuel line. Amazing that the van didn't explode. Burns marked the pavement for over a year afterwards. The tow truck driver compassionately left my payment to him in the van's cup holder. Unless they read this, very few people know to this day that it happened only minutes after I left the casino where I blew $200 while praying for God to get me out of our mess.

 The fuel line ruptured between the second and third rows. 

Thankful I didn't have kids with me in the van.

The pile of stuff in the road on the right is Girl Scout Cookies.
They tried to save them, but were unsuccessful.

Three years ago today, my then six-year-old daughter had knee surgery. I had to get a ride to the hospital since my van was totaled. I don't remember how we got there now. Afterwards, her doctor considered keeping her over night as a precaution, but I decided we should go home. I wonder now if they would have insisted had they known where we were living.

I haven't yet decided if I'm happy to get these daily reminders from TimeHop, but it is very clear we have come a long way. Three years ago today I would have laughed if anyone had told me that I was going to run my own company and speak publicly about the things He's done for us.

Yet, here we are...

People say "Everything happens for a reason." I don't believe God planned all of this to happen so that I could be where I am. I do believe He let me make my own choices and, once I turned to Him for help, wove them together into something amazing.

And we know that God causes everything to work together 

 for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

~Romans 8:28

Unprepared

For someone energized by being around people,

a week of being stuck at home sick

proved to be too much for my mind and spirit.

Stomach flu on Christmas Eve Eve, followed by

fever and cough, only a few hours of “well” in between.

By day six, ten minutes without crying was my limit.

"Mind over matter" didn't work. I told the kids to get ready,

we were going out for dinner. Then the sunlight hit my retinas.

There was sneezing and tears, followed by real tears, followed by

a three hour nap after telling the kids, "Eat whatever you want."

We've gone through a lot of cereal this week.

While I know "Greater is He Who is in me,"

Satan is still pretty smart. Smarter than me.

I was weak from all of this, and he knew it, 

calculating the lies I was most likely to believe, 

lying alone there in my room, in the dark. I didn't even fight back.

I did manage to write a guest blog post about how faith

has changed my life. I sent it off feeling like a total fraud,

laying in bed, crying about life. I fought with a few people via text, 

ranted about this and that via IM, even sent off an angry email,

followed by an apology a few hours later.

All because I wasn't fighting back.

I'm feeling 95% better today...

and thinking about how I could have done things differently.

Why didn't I have praise and worship music playing?

Why didn't I stop and pray before I said words I couldn't take back?

Why have I read 127 internet articles this week, but few Bible verses?

Pain and sickness, two of the easiest ways to pull my eyes from Jesus.

In hindsight I see everything I could have done better a little more clearly.

Had I not been so caught up in busyness the week before, that I had

neglected prayer and reading and spending time with Him, it probably

wouldn't have been so far from my mind when I hit this wall this week.

Live and learn? I hope so.I can't believe I was so unprepared.

I still flew off the handle at my kids morning,

not quite as ready for the “normal” as I thought.

Pretty sure that I still owe them a better apology too.

Glad every minute is a chance to make the next right choice

and even failing completely an hour ago, doesn't mean the day is ruined.

Headed to Christmas at Mom's now.

My oldest child is driving while I type.

Looking forward to french toast, bacon and eggs.
Expecting to gain back some of the nearly10lbs I've lost this week... and not care a bit.

Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.
Colossians 4:2

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like 

a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8

Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Being-Prepared#sthash.NvO6MOYb.dpuf

Why write?

I write to keep a record of this journey,
give others hope, to show that God
doesn't use perfect people, and
that we all stumble, but
keeping our focus on Him
makes every struggle worth it.

I write because I know that
in the grand scheme of things,
while I am special to Him,
I am not any more or less special
than anyone else, and the amazing things
He does for me, He will do for others as well.

I write because I know that
when I pull Him close, He reveals
so much more to me about life
and love and hopes and dreams and
failure and success and what
it truly means to walk by faith
than I could get from any other source.

I write not because I think my writing
is great or that the world needs to hear truths
from me over anyone else. In fact, so many
times I have typed words and sat dumbfounded,
reading a message He clearly had me write
to teach myself something I was missing.

There are many reasons why I write,
and I could go on and on about them,
but the most important one is this: Because He told me to.

~~~~~~~

I started this blog to hold myself accountable for my issues, to work through them and give myself a visible timeline showing what my walk with Him looks like, to help me learn to rely on God over all else... not to give those who wish to persecute me a list of my mistakes, slip-ups, stumbles, and out-right acts of rebellion. But I haven't written as much lately because some turmoil in my life has been created by someone who wishes to do just that.

Today I'm reminding myself of the reasons I write, and reminding myself that God has a plan here that I can't let go of... even if others will try to twist it to use against me. Three steps forward and two steps back makes the journey slow at times, but it is real and honest. If I am nothing else, I have to be real and honest.

But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.  

~1 John 4:4

Waiting on God

Constantly on a quest for answers, we humans want to find logic in everything. We want everything to make sense, even though we know life doesn't. I've written before about living by faith, and doing so to an extent that seems foolish to those who strive for logic and reason. Even those of us who believe that this is the best way to live, tend to be astounded by God's timing, precision, and attention to detail when He finally reveals one of His plans... it is an assault on our fleshly desire for reason.  

It's one of the reasons I share the ways God comes through for me time and time again. We need the encouragement of hearing how God came through for others.

This recently happened to a friend of mine.

Getting ready to transition to a new job in just six days, J found out that it had fallen through. Having already been replaced at this current job, he was understandably very upset. I told him about the book that really challenged my faith, Extravagant Fool, by Kevin Adams and he said he would look into it. But, I felt a gentle nudge from the Spirit. Knowing he probably wouldn't go get it, went to the bookstore and bought it for him.
 
We talked as he read it, and it was awesome hearing someone else with many of the same thoughts and feelings that I had. He ultimately loved the book and told me that he was going to stop worrying and let God be in control.

A few days later, it was Friday, his last day on the job... until someone called in and management asked him to cover Saturday. Then, Monday, the day he should have started his new job came and he received another call as someone didn't show up for work. J talked on the phone to the manager (who managed remotely from Chicago) and talked about changes that needed to be made in the store that J was unable to make because he was not management.

An hour later the manager called back. The decision was made to let the store be managed locally, and they gave J his job back... along with a promotion and a raise.
 
What gets me the most is that J could have freaked out about being jobless. He could have tried to "fix" it himself. He could have started another job, lined up a bunch of interviews, or even just had a bad attitude about losing his job, and been a jerk to the boss. Any of those things could have made him unavailable the two times that they called him.

Instead, he chose to wait on the Lord, believing there was a plan... and he was shocked to find out just how good of a plan it was.

What decision is stressing you out today? What unexpected happening has thrown you into a frenzy? Take a deep breath and look up. Know that He Who created you, knew this was going to happen before time began, and He has had a plan all along. When you pray for answers, don't forget to be quiet and listen for them. Waiting on the Lord, putting your trust in Him, will take you places you never imagined.

I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. ~Psalm 27:13-14

Forgiveness

I've written several posts as
I worked through the loss of
a couple of friendships lately.
God kept telling me to let it go,
but I really didn't know how.

When I realized the key to letting
go was forgiveness, I was angrier.
"That's not fair!" I told God.

But I eventually tried...
and failed...
and tried again.
I tried several different ways...

This week I succeeded.

After praying about it, I said
a few things I needed to say
via email, and sent it off.
I woke up the next morning and
realized I felt better, even without
a response or acknowledgment.

While we must still interact on
a regular basis, when I let go,
I suddenly realized my feelings
about the person had changed.

Am I still disappointed? Sure. Am I angry? No.
And because of that, my actions have changed too...

No more being hurt.
No more accepting blame.
No more walking on eggshells.
No more apologizing for every interaction.

Does the enemy know my weaknesses? Yep.
Is he going to try to poke me every now and then? Probably.

But I feel free today, and I'm thankful
that I trusted God when He told me to let go,
and that today I am stronger than I was
a week ago, stronger than I was a month ago,
and so much stronger than I was a year ago.

Thank you, Lord for believing in me, even when I didn't. Thank You for strength and grace. Thank You for loving me unconditionally. Remind me of times like this when I doubt my ability to do what You ask of me. Remind me that when I leave You in control, everything works out. Amen.

Praise the Lord!
For he has heard my cry for mercy.
The Lord is my strength and shield.
I trust him with all my heart.
He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. 

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.
The Lord gives his people strength.
~Psalm 28:6-8

Not too late

Yesterday at church I sat in my seat and cried
with my arm around  my 16 year old daughter
as I watched two parents embracing, sobbing,
at the front of the small, but crowded sanctuary.

Each the parent of a teen girl lost to suicide,
one this weekend, one a few weeks ago.

This morning I sat on my bed and sobbed
as I read the blog post of a mother whose
baby didn't wake up from his nap last week.
He was perfectly healthy two days before.

But his mother, father and four siblings
spent his 2nd birthday planning a funeral.

I'm often reminded that these kids who
live in my house, eat my food, ask me
for advice, and money, and call me mom,
aren't really mine in any permanent sense.

On loan from God, He could take them back
at any time, in any place, in any fashion.

I've had to ask Him for forgiveness for times
this was forgotten and my will became priority. 
So many times I made life about me, dragging
them along for the ride as if they didn't matter.

And while not to the degree that it once did,
it still happens more often than I'd like to admit.

Several weeks ago after dealing with an afternoon
of abnormal disrespect and back-talk and downright
defiance, I caved, crying on my bed, messaging
a friend about their behavior and my guilt in it all.

How can they talk to me like this? Who do they think
they are? It's official... I've ruined them. Now what?

We bounced back from that day, but the defeat
left a bruise on my heart, and in some ways,
a resignation to the fact that the pain I brought us
in years past, will continue to color our lives.

Don't get me wrong, as kids go, mine are awesome.
But often I wonder how much damage my bad choices
really did to them and how it will affect the rest of their lives
and if it is too late to make an impact by living rightly.

Today I thought about
what those other parents would say,
if I stopped striving for better... because I thought it was already too late.

There is only one way that it is ever too late.

I am so thankful for God who never looked at me and thought, "It's too late to help that one..." 

He saved me from the pit of destruction that I created with my own hands... and in doing so He saved them too. 

17 Surely it was for my benefit
that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins
behind your back.
18 For the grave cannot praise you,
death cannot sing your praise;
those who go down to the pit
cannot hope for your faithfulness.
19 The living, the living—they praise you,
as I am doing today;
parents tell their children
about your faithfulness.

~Isaiah 38:17-19

18 So commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these words of mine. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. 19 Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. 20 Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. 

~Deuteronomy 11:18-20 NLT

Showing off

I felt like such a whiner when I put up my last post. But it was truly how I felt, so I hit publish. More than one person thanked me for writing about the desire to be defended and told me they understood because they felt the same. It was a great reminder about why I am writing, even when I don't feel like I have anything positive to write about. Thank you for the encouragement. :-)

Today though, I do have something positive to write about.


I broke my phone.
Like really, unfixably broke it.

Just wait, it gets better... let's back up a tiny bit here.

I think it's important to do things for myself from time to time. Occasionally, I go to the mall and get a massage. I budget that 30 minutes of heaven in carefully and had been thinking that I could go in this week...even though I knew that I was pushing my budget to do so.

Then, at church this morning, I dropped my phone during corporate prayer, rendering it useless. I felt sick. I can't run a business without that phone working. What was I going to do!?! I was already at prayer... Yes, I prayed for my phone. Laid hands on it right there. Someone else even prayed for my phone with me. It still didn't work.

"Well, there goes that massage as well as a lot of other money I don't have," I thought.

I had signed up to volunteer at our local Christian radio station to take fundraising calls today starting after prayer, but I can't do business without a phone... so I briefly considered skipping out in order to try to figure out what to do about my phone. But I couldn't do that. I had said I would be there, and I LOVE the people at the station. They have been a huge part of my story. So, instead I prayed for direction and asked God to show me how He wanted me to take care of this before heading on to the station.

Between calls a friend of mine came back and saw my broken phone and commented. I told her, "I did it just before coming here today and decided God is just going to have to take care of it because I don't know what to do." Almost immediately another station employee, one who had been working with us volunteers, said, "I have an iPhone with a cracked screen. My mom surprised me with a new one. It's just sitting on my table if you want it." Shocked, I thanked her and told her I would only need it a few days until I figured something else out. She shook her head and said, "No, you can have it."

Wow God, I totally did not see that one coming... I'm going to pick it up at her place in the morning.

Awesome, right!?! Wait... it gets better.

A couple of hours later, as I was picking up my things to leave the station, a woman in scrubs came around the corner of cubicles and announced they were there to give chair massages to volunteers if anyone was interested. You mean, similar to the one I can't afford but was hoping to try to fit in anyway?


Now, that's just God showing off... (I love it when He does that!)

You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!
~Psalm 139:5-6 (NLT)

What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.
~Luke 12:6-7 (NLT)

Give me strength

I am not one to jump out of bed daily
with a spring in my step, ready to go.
I can be pretty productive in the morning,
but the enemy likes to pounce before
my eyes are even open. My first victory
every day is just getting out of bed.
Sometimes that victory is a first place trophy,
other times it is a participation ribbon that says,
"This is your life, thanks for showing up today."

I need You to soften my heart, to break me apart.
I need You to open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life. 

For awhile now, I've woken up each day
with a different song in my head.
I hadn't thought much about before today.
What if this isn't just the typical craziness
of my brain, but a Gift to encourage me
to get through the attacks that start
when I'm barely conscious and continue
until I'm headed out the door, focused elsewhere,
often having missed out on precious time at His feet.

 Give me strength, to trust what You say

That You're good, and Your love is great

I don't just need faith to believe what He says,
there's no doubt I believe, but the strength
to put His commands into action. To do.
There's a big difference between believing and doing.
I'd love to say I get it right most of the time, but
there are things that I need to change.
Some things I'm aware of, some I am not. 
He knows though, and He has the strength to help.
The problem is relying on His strength instead of my own. 

I may be weak, but your Spirit's strong in me.

My flesh may fail, my God You never will.

As He continues to open my eyes to what
He is doing and planning for my life,
I have to continue to attempt to shift my focus
from my battles to His power, strength, and glory,
and to the gifts He gives me every day...
A song in my heart, and continued grace
as I walk this path. It feels like a crazy winding road,
but it doesn't matter as long as I focus on the Light
that is at my feet, giving me just enough grace to take the next step.

I need You to soften my heart, to break me apart.
I need You to pierce through the dark, and cleanse every part of me
All I am, I surrender...