I've heard that voice before

Years ago I was in a relationship that wasn't working. Still, I sincerely thought J and I were going to get married. So, the day he walked into my house and broke it off, accusing me of something I didn't do, I was shocked. I followed him back to his house, trying to prove him wrong.

I cried and begged and pleaded for him to listen to me, tried to prove I hadn't been talking to the person he had forbidden me to have contact with several months before. I don't remember most of what I said. I do remember that at some point, I collapsed into a sobbing heap on the entryway floor. My whole body was shaking and I was ready to throw up any second. Then, all of the sudden, I heard a voice in my head. (Don't worry, it wasn't a psychotic break... it was my own voice...)

I said, "You are miserable. You fight all the time. This is your chance to walk away. This is not what you want for your life."

The next thing I know, I had walked out the door and gone home. I then deliberately sabotaged any chance we had at getting back together by actually calling the person he had forbidden me to contact. A few days later, the banned person had asked for a ride somewhere and I said okay. J saw him in my van. The look on J's face made me wonder if I had done the wrong thing. I was immediately terrified. I was officially alone again. I called him, emailed him, sent texts, randomly tried to chat with him. I made a lot really poor decisions, many of which I blamed on him.

Two months later I went out with friends one night and, after the bars closed, they dropped me off at home. I remember walking in my front door. Next I remember standing on his front porch and hearing him say, "Stay right there. I'm calling the police." I was three of the five blocks home before they made it to his house and he pointed them in my direction. The officer didn't approach me on the sidewalk. He just asked from the street where my home was and if I was going there. I said yes, and I did.

The next time I had a weekend with no kids, the friends who had dropped me off before thought it would be a good idea for me to stay with them instead of going home... to keep me out of trouble. That was the last time I hung out with those friends because that was the night that she slept in one room while I said, "No." to him in another and my 'No' was ignored.

Who did I turn to for comfort after this happened? The man who had been my best friend for nearly four years, J. His response was, "You got what you deserved."

His comments should have been a confirmation to me that I had been right when I walked away. Instead, his rejection of me spurred me to convince him we should be together. It was two years before I quit trying to talk to him... all the while I let my life spin out of control. I've mentioned here that I have a hard time letting go sometimes right? Yeah, thought so.

So, what reminded me of all of this tonight?

D is leaving in the next few days, moving out of state. We have been 'just friends' for quite awhile now, but his definition of 'friends' changes from time to time (sometimes from minute to minute) and it has been more than a little confusing for my heart and my mind. 

A couple of times this week I have had melt-downs where I just had to shut myself in my room and cry until I was out of tears. Sometimes I think he stops by and talks about packing and leaving just to make me cry. I'm supposed to be helping him with one of his classes via the internet this fall, and he promises we will Skype, and he'll come visit at Christmas when he's in town to see his mom. I've already been told what I'm making for dinner when he comes over.

But today, when I started to fall apart after getting a text from him about the class I'm supposed to help him with, and again later while I was putting together some photos I'd gathered for him, I heard a familiar voice in my head. "Why are you doing this? He has proven he does not really care about you. You are miserable when he is around. You have to fight all the time for respect. This is not what you want for your life. This is not what God wants for your life. Move on."

Holding on has not served me well in the past. The voice was right before, and I ignored it. Tonight I am asking for grace and help and direction as I fight to be the girl I am supposed to be, instead of continually slipping back into the patterns of that girl God saved me from being.

How many times has He saved me from myself? More than I can count. I'm thankful tonight that He isn't giving up on me.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. 

~Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

 I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms. 

~Ephesians 1:19-20

Not fighting depression

This week, as one of my friends poured out verses in a quick passing conversation after a prayer meeting, I fought back tears. As he spoke, I prayed silently, "God, do not let me cry right now. I promise we will talk about this as soon as I get out of here. Just please don't let me cry right now." It was difficult because while the friend was talking about himself, I knew God was talking to me.

I held on, but barely made it out of the church and into my van without falling apart. The kids were home, so I tried to find a place where I could just sit and talk to Jesus, because I knew I needed to focus and feel free to cry to Him, apologize for going through the motions and neglecting our relationship. I ran through in my mind everything I needed to say to God as I drove.

I pulled in at the park and prayed and waited. Nothing. No huge epiphanies. No feeling of elation. No feeling of anything really, except 'normal' and while that should have been a clue that something was different (I mean really... I felt normal), it wasn't. I went with my typical 'fall back' thought of... I must not have done something right.

Tonight at Bible study one passage of scripture stood out to me above all the rest. In fact, in my notes I wrote "Psalms 32:3-5 When I refuse to confess my sins... WOW."

Here is what it actually says:

3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night
your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the Lord.”
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin.

Verses 3 and 4 describe perfectly how I felt over the last few weeks. My strength was sapped. My days and nights spent groaning on my bed. I tried to medicate myself. I tried asking God why He wasn't helping me. I tried just powering through on my own strength. All the while I silently fought with Him. "You may not like what is happening here God, but I don't trust you to handle it. I've got this."

Verse 5 explains the rest. I confessed. It wasn't the huge outpouring I thought He needed and wanted. Simply going through all the things I needed to say to Him in my head was enough. He knew I meant it. He heard me confess and He forgave.

I just didn't realize it yet. I hadn't fully accepted that I was forgiven, but I had stopped fighting.

It wasn't until tonight, re-reading these verses that I realized that I hadn't cried about anything in these last two days. It wasn't until tonight that I realized why, when I finally saw my doctor today and she asked about my antidepressants I said, "I'm feeling pretty good. I'm not going back on them." And it wasn't until just tonight that I realized Tuesday was the first day I stood my ground against D (a small battle in my fight for respect, but it was a win).

This is what I realized when the end of the night came and I sat down to study for myself... I wasn't fighting depression. I was fighting God, and depression was the result.

I remembered back to the last time I was taking the medication (It started the last time when J left me in 2011 and I continued to make one bad choice after another) and when it was that I stopped taking them (when I turned my life completely over to God in the spring of 2013).

I'm not saying depression isn't real. I'm not saying some people don't need medication. I am only talking about me and my situation. This passage of scripture was the answer I have been looking for. It not only explains my depression, but also where it went and why. 

Are all my problems solved? No. Am I going to sin tomorrow? If I wake up, Yes. Am I going to keep fighting for things God has already told me I can't have and wouldn't want if I knew what He knows about the future? Probably. But next time depression rushes over me the way it has in previous weeks, instead of saying "Why won't you make me feel better, God?" I'll be starting with an apology and a confession.

1 Blessed is the one

whose transgressions are forgiven,

whose sins are covered.

2 Blessed is the one

whose sin the Lord does not count against them

and in whose spirit is no deceit.

3 When I kept silent,

my bones wasted away

through my groaning all day long.

4 For day and night

your hand was heavy on me;

my strength was sapped

as in the heat of summer.

5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you

and did not cover up my iniquity.

I said, “I will confess

my transgressions to the Lord.”

And you forgave

the guilt of my sin.

6 Therefore let all the faithful pray to you

while you may be found;

surely the rising of the mighty waters

will not reach them.

7 You are my hiding place;

you will protect me from trouble

and surround me with songs of deliverance.

8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;

I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,

which have no understanding

but must be controlled by bit and bridle

or they will not come to you.

10 Many are the woes of the wicked,

but the Lord’s unfailing love

surrounds the one who trusts in him.

11 Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous;

sing, all you who are upright in heart!

Finally getting over it for good

As much as I want to be not single anymore, I know that God is working on me to get me to a place where I can be emotionally healthy enough for a real relationship. Every time I surprise myself by making a good choice, I'm not only surprised by the choice itself, but reminded that if this kind of thing is a surprise... I still have a ways to go.

It is hard, but I also know it will be worth it. I don't want someone to have to 'settle' for the girl I am when I have so much more potential... and while the changes are both fast and slow, I know change won't impact my life in a lasting way, if I try to do it all by myself, or all overnight.


In the past, I have had a bad habit of holding on to exes. Over the last several months I have cut the cords on a lot of those relationships and been pretty proud of myself for doing so.

There is one in particular that has alluded me though. I would declare myself "over him" and go for weeks without thinking about J, and then something would bring him to mind. I always took that as an opportunity to pray for him... but then I'd start the emotional roller-coaster of, "What if."

(I've written about J here before... we broke up the day before I thought he was going to propose... and it is what started the spiral that led me to move here.)

I recently realized I had this fantasy about him seeing the changes going on in my life and realizing I was good enough for him now. That one hit me kind of hard... "good enough"...? How good could a relationship have actually been if I spent most of it just being grateful that he let me hang around and at the same time, spent most of that time also afraid he was going to leave because I wasn't really good enough for him?

Fear is not love.

Yesterday, after I decided it was time to get out of bed and get a shower and some dinner... I grabbed a sweatshirt to put on and realized it was one of his. I took it back off and grabbed another and asked myself, "Why do I still have that thing?"

While I was out driving after that I decided that it was time to throw that stuff away. The sweatshirt, the jacket, the expensive bottle of tequila I'd bought to give him on Valentines Day, not knowing we weren't going to make it that long and held on to all this time. Time to get over it, right? Right... and then I put it out of my mind.

Late last night a mutual friend commented on one of J's pictures on Facebook, which was weird because he NEVER posts pictures publicly. I clicked on it and saw it was him and his girlfriend, happy, smiling.

That's when the weirdest thing happened...

I realized I didn't care.


When the enemy finds a way to distract you from your walk with God, he will exploit it as much as possible. In hindsight, the whole thing will likely seem ridiculous. It does to me right now.

How much time have I spent remembering and wishing for the good parts of that relationship? How many times have I gone through a break-up since then and didn't cry for the guy I had just lost... but for the "this would have never happened if..." of J? Every single time, drawing my focus from where it should have been.

Took out some trash this afternoon. Feeling pretty good about meaning it this time when I say I'm 'over it'...

God has a better plan and I happy to give up the piece of my own that I have been secretly clutching.

When I started praying that God's will for my life be the most important thing to me... I never realized how much of my own I had left to let go, and I never imagined how good it would feel to be able to do so. 

 

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2

Don't listen to Oprah

So I used to write a blog
that was titled and written
based on something
I had probably seen
on daytime TV.
Oprah? Dr Phil? Who knows.
I seem to remember
watching shows about
"living my best life."
Anyway,
I had decided
I was going to post
every
single
day
for one year.

365 posts to a better me
so I could be ready
for my 'forever'.
No, not Heaven...
the perfect man, of course.
I even wrote all
about him.
I wrote about
having the faith
of Joshua.
Not that I expanded
on anything enough to
prove I even knew
what that means.
I wrote about
how God was going
to help me change.
I wrote a lot about
me.
In fact, it was ALL about me.
I even had the nerve
to give God a time table.
In 365 days
I was going to be
a better person
in good shape
and engaged to the man of my dreams.
(stop laughing, not only did I mean it... but people were encouraging me!)

So that blog was to help me
keep a record...
Because I wrote it down and told God it's what I wanted.
If you write it down and speak it into the universe, it comes back to you.
So I was going to get it...
WHAT!?!
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was Oprah's idea.
Let's blame her.
She'll never know anyway.

So where was I
365 days after that first post?
Homeless
Broke
Broken
and so much more...

It is crazy reading the things that I wrote back then... 2.5 years ago...
I hope that when I read this, in the future,
I don't shake my head
and wonder what I was thinking.

Yes, God has promised to give me the desires of my heart.
But it's like I read the other day..
Life with Him isn't Burger King
I can't have it my way.

Psalm 37:4-5

4 Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:

 
Why do so many people focus on the

underlined section of those verses

and completely forget highlighted part?

How much better
     would these last few years
have been
     had I asked God what
HIS will for my life was
     instead of telling HIM
what my plan was
     and expecting HIM to do it.


After reading I also did some praying today about an ex (J) who I wrote about like he was God in that other blog. It was really eye-opening for me to read it again. I say it took me two years to get over him... really, that was when he told me his heart belonged to someone else. So I was done. I have never been interested in a man who wasn't either available or a good enough liar to convince me that he was... but it is ridiculous that it took me that long and that THAT was the real end. Another "what was I thinking" moment. Last time I wrote about him, I called it part 1... but after today I doubt I will write much more about him.
It's over and done
And not because he moved on
It's done because J is not God's will for my life.
And that is what I care about
God's will for my life
     not my will
          not even Oprah's.

Roman's 12:2

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

This one is going to take awhile (Part 1)

I don't know if this is a good idea or a bad one. I don't know if this serves a purpose or not. I know it took me two years to get over J and all of the sudden I can't stop thinking about him. It was just during prayer before... and I have prayed so many times for his salvation... even if I never see him again, I still want him to love Jesus. But I also know that him loving Jesus, and knowing that I am a different person now would probably fix just about every issue we had.

Last week I accidently drove past where he works... I was looking at a rental house nearby and couldn't find it. Honestly, I didn't know he still worked there. But I saw his car in the parking lot at CAT and almost wrecked.

I thought asking God what to do would help, but I don't know the right questions. Should I continue to pray for his salvation? Duh... It is God's will that everyone be saved... so praying for something that is in His will is always a good thing. Should I pray that we get back together? That would be one huge frickin' miracle... and I don't know if us getting back together is God's will or not. I could continue to ask... but asking to know the future never quite works out. I don't think He wants me to know.

So here I am, stuck... but it can't hurt to get this all out... I feel the need to write and all I can think about is this...

So anyway, here goes nothing...

----------------------

He lived just a few blocks away from me in high school.
We rode the same bus.
We had at least one class together.
He was in my car in driver's ed.
But we never spoke to each other.

Nearly ten years after graduation, January 13, 2007, when a mutual friend introduced us after dragging me out to karaoke, we hit it off right away. He added me on messenger and we would talk all night via the computer. It didn't take long for me to have a huge crush on him. I knew it wouldn't work out. There was no way he would ever like me... I even flirted with other guys online because I knew J was just a one-sided thing. He'd be bored and move on soon. But he didn't.

He volunteered to fix the radio in my van and to thank him I cooked dinner. Afterwards we sat on the couch and watched TV together with the kids running around everywhere. One child climbed up on my lap and threw her head back... and then that precious, adorable 3 year old said, "Wow, you have big boobs." I don't know who was more embarrassed.

Another day he was fixing the bathroom door that was falling off the hinges and had his tools laid out next to him. My five year old son was inspecting his work and showed J his own tools... "Look, I have a wrench too." J smiled, "Wow, do you fix things with that?" My son gave him a strange look and said, "No. It's just plastic."

Welcome to my life, J.

I wrote a song once about the night things turned from friendship into something else. It would make a fun country song... We had both been drinking and having a great time when he leaned in so nobody else could hear to ask what I wanted to do after the bar closed, "Can I take you home, or can I take you home?" I looked at him, obviously puzzled. He said, "Those are two completely different options. Think about it." There was a lot of liquid courage that night because that was not something he would normally say or do... and even when we got back to his apartment, if I hadn't kissed him first... nothing would have happened.

The next day he felt guilty. He was scared. A single mom of four... he had never dated a woman with kids before. It took a week and some prodding from friends to get him to admit that he did really like me and it wasn't a mistake. In fact, he came over one night, I am pretty sure to tell me that he just couldn't do it... there were tears on both sides... and then we kissed again and it was all over... or rather, it really began.

My youngest had already been diagnosed with a rare disease and was in need of a transplant when we first met in January. Scheduled to leave town for six months in April, He and I were pretty inseparable for the next six weeks after he decided he really did want to pursue a relationship. I couldn't believe any of it was happening. In the midst of this terrible diagnosis and scary treatment for my baby, I was finding happiness.

I had held some fundraisers to help cover expenses while the baby was in transplant. The morning I left town, J handed me an envelope with $500 in it to help. I knew he was a good guy. He had always been kind and respectful and thoughtful... but his continuing to be selfless when it came to the kids and I just told me for sure that God had put us together for a reason. This guy was the one.

 

----------------------

I had no idea about the struggles we would go through and the things we would do to hurt each other over the next four years.

I know some of the things he did were wrong... especially towards the end. There are things that, if we saw each other again I would have a hard time forgiving... He had a conversation with my oldest about which room in his house would be hers... right before he dumped me and never spoke to the kids again... not a single word, hug, goodbye, nothing... after 4 years. He told my mom all of my secrets when he was angry at me one time... all of them. Things I haven't even put in this blog yet... my mom knows. He told me the rape that happened after we broke up was my own fault... that one I am still dealing with.

But I'm no saint... I spent so much time acting out of fear that he would leave me if he knew me. I lied. A lot... It was all little stuff. "So what are you doing today?" "Cleaning the house." I was laying on the couch covered by a blanket of depression I didn't know how to pull off of myself... or playing mind-numbing games online so I didn't have to think about life.  "Who was that text from?" "Just a friend." It was an ex-boyfriend who I rationalized trying to stay friends with. "What were you going to tell me?" "I lost five pounds!" I didn't. I lost 2... and the truth was, he didn't really care... but I was afraid he did.

My mind was a mess. My priorities were a mess. My life was a mess. And I was trying to tell HIM that his life would be better if he had Jesus.

Is it any wonder that he didn't believe me?