Thursday, September 12, 2013

This one is going to take awhile (Part 1)

I don't know if this is a good idea or a bad one. I don't know if this serves a purpose or not. I know it took me two years to get over J and all of the sudden I can't stop thinking about him. It was just during prayer before... and I have prayed so many times for his salvation... even if I never see him again, I still want him to love Jesus. But I also know that him loving Jesus, and knowing that I am a different person now would probably fix just about every issue we had.

Last week I accidently drove past where he works... I was looking at a rental house nearby and couldn't find it. Honestly, I didn't know he still worked there. But I saw his car in the parking lot at CAT and almost wrecked.

I thought asking God what to do would help, but I don't know the right questions. Should I continue to pray for his salvation? Duh... It is God's will that everyone be saved... so praying for something that is in His will is always a good thing. Should I pray that we get back together? That would be one huge frickin' miracle... and I don't know if us getting back together is God's will or not. I could continue to ask... but asking to know the future never quite works out. I don't think He wants me to know.

So here I am, stuck... but it can't hurt to get this all out... I feel the need to write and all I can think about is this...

So anyway, here goes nothing...


He lived just a few blocks away from me in high school.
We rode the same bus.
We had at least one class together.
He was in my car in driver's ed.
But we never spoke to each other.

Nearly ten years after graduation, January 13, 2007, when a mutual friend introduced us after dragging me out to karaoke, we hit it off right away. He added me on messenger and we would talk all night via the computer. It didn't take long for me to have a huge crush on him. I knew it wouldn't work out. There was no way he would ever like me... I even flirted with other guys online because I knew J was just a one-sided thing. He'd be bored and move on soon. But he didn't.

He volunteered to fix the radio in my van and to thank him I cooked dinner. Afterwards we sat on the couch and watched TV together with the kids running around everywhere. One child climbed up on my lap and threw her head back... and then that precious, adorable 3 year old said, "Wow, you have big boobs." I don't know who was more embarrassed.

Another day he was fixing the bathroom door that was falling off the hinges and had his tools laid out next to him. My five year old son was inspecting his work and showed J his own tools... "Look, I have a wrench too." J smiled, "Wow, do you fix things with that?" My son gave him a strange look and said, "No. It's just plastic."

Welcome to my life, J.

I wrote a song once about the night things turned from friendship into something else. It would make a fun country song... We had both been drinking and having a great time when he leaned in so nobody else could hear to ask what I wanted to do after the bar closed, "Can I take you home, or can I take you home?" I looked at him, obviously puzzled. He said, "Those are two completely different options. Think about it." There was a lot of liquid courage that night because that was not something he would normally say or do... and even when we got back to his apartment, if I hadn't kissed him first... nothing would have happened.

The next day he felt guilty. He was scared. A single mom of four... he had never dated a woman with kids before. It took a week and some prodding from friends to get him to admit that he did really like me and it wasn't a mistake. In fact, he came over one night, I am pretty sure to tell me that he just couldn't do it... there were tears on both sides... and then we kissed again and it was all over... or rather, it really began.

My youngest had already been diagnosed with a rare disease and was in need of a transplant when we first met in January. Scheduled to leave town for six months in April, He and I were pretty inseparable for the next six weeks after he decided he really did want to pursue a relationship. I couldn't believe any of it was happening. In the midst of this terrible diagnosis and scary treatment for my baby, I was finding happiness.

I had held some fundraisers to help cover expenses while the baby was in transplant. The morning I left town, J handed me an envelope with $500 in it to help. I knew he was a good guy. He had always been kind and respectful and thoughtful... but his continuing to be selfless when it came to the kids and I just told me for sure that God had put us together for a reason. This guy was the one.

I had no idea about the struggles we would go through and the things we would do to hurt each other over the next four years.

I know some of the things he did were wrong... especially towards the end. There are things that, if we saw each other again I would have a hard time forgiving... He had a conversation with my oldest about which room in his house would be hers... right before he dumped me and never spoke to the kids again... not a single word, hug, goodbye, nothing... after 4 years. He told my mom all of my secrets when he was angry at me one time... all of them. Things I haven't even put in this blog yet... my mom knows. He told me the rape that happened after we broke up was my own fault... that one I am still dealing with.

But I'm no saint... I spent so much time acting out of fear that he would leave me if he knew me. I lied. A lot... It was all little stuff. "So what are you doing today?" "Cleaning the house." I was laying on the couch covered by a blanket of depression I didn't know how to pull off of myself... or playing mind-numbing games online so I didn't have to think about life.  "Who was that text from?" "Just a friend." It was an ex-boyfriend who I rationalized trying to stay friends with. "What were you going to tell me?" "I lost five pounds!" I didn't. I lost 2... and the truth was, he didn't really care... but I was afraid he did.

My mind was a mess. My priorities were a mess. My life was a mess. And I was trying to tell HIM that his life would be better if he had Jesus.

Is it any wonder that he didn't believe me?

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