So many things are different these days... changes in my friends, dealing with addictions, kicking habits, and kicking other general craziness to the curb. Obviously it's not ALL gone, but most days I feel like I can breathe... which hasn't always been the case.
I know God has so many plans for me, even though much of it seems to be just outside of my reach at the moment. If I keep pressing forward, these things will be mine in His timing. I have to keep growing... I know these things are out of my reach because He knows I'm not ready yet... even if I think I am.
Maybe it's because of this determination that the temptation to fail is stronger than it has ever been. And I say temptation because, I would have to willingly jump off this path to find the ones I used to run. I would have to call people I'd already cut out of my life. I would have to go to places that I don't hang out any more. I would have to search for stuff that I have gotten rid of.
But I still hear it... if you fail, you'll be forgiven. Nobody is perfect. Maybe you've taken this too far... and you should just live a little. It's always there in the back of my mind. Some days I feel so weak that I don't think I'll win... but I can't just walk away again.
In my heart I know better.
So I purposely fill my time with the good friends I have made, and the business God has given me, and my kids who know very little, if anything, about what my life was like... even though they were living it... as well as good habits like running... and learning... and praying... as well as writing, in faith that God will turn this mess into something beautiful that will change somebody else's life someday.
Today I am feeling strong... a few days ago... not so much. But I just have to remember Isaiah 43:2:
"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you."
I just have to keep fighting through. There were moments this last week when I didn't know how I was going to do it... but here I am. Feeling fantastically hopeful on a Monday evening with a great week ahead... still headed in the right direction... because He isn't going to let me drown.