Thursday, September 26, 2013


Feeling really emotional today about everything... but it is all about perspective... right?

     I'm tired of being unorganized.
I'm tired of chaos in my mind
     and my life...
 I'm tired of being single.
          I'm tired of thinking like the old me
               and then having to get that thought or image out of my mind...
               all while keeping a poker face... (I'm terrible at poker!)
I'm tired of being honest all the time... but not too tired of it to say...
     I'm tired of not having sex.
I'm tired of this disgusting apartment.
     I seriously considered renting a hotel room one night this weekend
          just so I can take a bubble bath.
               I can't rent a hotel room. It would make a mistake so much easier...
               and it makes me mad that I can't even trust myself to do that...
               but why invite temptation?
I'm tired of knowing that in some areas I am not trustworthy.
I'm tired of wondering who in the world will ever be able to accept all of this... mess.
I'm tired of feeling inept and needing little victories to get me by.

But I'm not tired of the consequences of making good decisions.
I'm not tired of having so much good going on that organization is a necessity.
I'm not tired of learning new ways to function.
I'm not tired of having a little self-respect.
I'm not tired of no longer having to hope this one will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
I'm not tired of no longer wishing that I figure out how to make that one love me.
I'm not tired of having a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in.
I'm not tired of having a working shower in my house instead of half a block away.
I'm not tired of victories... just wishing they were always bigger...
I'm not tired of Jesus. He amazes me more and more every day.
I'm not tired of knowing that I have captured His attention...
     and that in spite of His awesomeness 
          He still understands what it means to be tired and frustrated and angry
               with all of these everyday battles... and He isn't tired of loving me anyway.

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