Where was God when...

I stood in the Walgreen's parking lot holding the hand of a homeless man, Joe, our heads bowed in prayer.

"God, You know the plans You have for Joe and what a great guy He is. Please help Joe remember that You are fighting for him and that You have a better plan for him than this. Lord..."

All of the sudden there was loud bang and we both looked up in surprise. Half a block away was a car accident, in the middle of a busy street. One man was rear-ended into an electrical pole. I called the police and Joe ran towards the accident. He told the driver who hit the pole to stay in the car, but the driver was too dazed to understand and climbed out anyway.

Trying to prevent a secondary accident, Joe ran down the road another hundred feet or so and started waving cars into the only open lane. He even stepped out into the street, to make sure that people understood they needed to move over.

When the police and fire arrived we headed back toward my parked car and his temporarily abandoned backpack.

As I turned to go Joe said, "I sure hope that accident wasn't our fault..."

I must have looked confused... "Our fault?"

Joe continued... "We kind of distracted God for a minute."

Have you ever had something bad happen to you, or seen something bad happening to someone else and wondered where God was in that moment? Why would He let this happen?

Many people will misquote Romans 8:28 and say that the horrible thing "happened for a reason" or that God wanted us to learn a lesson from it. I can assure you that isn't true.

It is Satan who comes to steal, kill, and destroy.
Jesus came that we could have life more abundantly!

God will work all those things together for the good of those who are following Him, but he does not make bad things happen, or even "allow" bad things to happen in order to make something good happen.

God didn't give you cancer or cause you to get laid off. He didn't give you depression so you could learn from it. Most importantly, He didn't kill that person you love, who you still miss every day.

I absolutely believe that when something bad happens to us, God's heart breaks too.

He doesn't want to see us suffering... but He gave humans free will, and we often use it to make bad choices that affect us and others. That's not God trying to teach us something... that's Satan fighting to steal, kill, and destroy.

God Who has numbered every hair on our head, Who knew us before we were formed in the womb, Who rejoices over us with loud singing, does not get distracted. He doesn't forget about us. He doesn't send things to hurt us.

If He takes care of the lilies in the field and the sparrows in the air, He will surely continue to be with us. We have to make the choice to rest in Him and have faith in His promises.

There is a lot happening in the world. It makes sense that God could get distracted by "more important" matters, right? That's why Satan uses that lie on us to often. Don't believe it.

"Don't worry about that," I told Joe, "God doesn't get distracted."

You need to remember that too. God knows exactly what is going on with you at all times. He can't be distracted from His love for YOU! You are God's favorite!

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, 

for those who are called according to his purpose. 

Romans 8:28

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have 

life and have it abundantly. 

John 10:10

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. 

Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. 

Luke 12:6-7

Connections

All my life, I’ve had a desire to connect with people. I’ve often tried to fulfill it in all the wrong ways. I still struggle with that at times. It fueled my co-dependency, driving me to cling to people who were bad for me because we had a connection. As I’ve broken ties with a lot of those people over the last couple of years, and even just held back from others, it has often left a void that I wasn’t sure how to fill.

We have three identical services at my church every weekend. Every weekend I go to at least two of them, often all three. It’s not because I need to hear the message again, not just because I LOVE our praise and worship. It’s because I love people. I want to be around them. I want to connect.

I spoke at an event for single moms on Saturday. The experience was amazing. Afterwards I was stopped again and again by women who wanted to tell me how my story touched them. Each time, I felt a connection. It wasn’t even just about being a single mom. Sometimes it was a look in their eyes or a comment they made, but when they stopped me I knew that something I had said connected with them.

When a friend recently confided in me about how someone else’s porn addiction was affecting her, my own experiences gave me the ability to understand the pain they both go through. I hope to be able to continue to encourage her in a way others can’t because of that connection.

When I talk other parents who have children with disabilities, though our children may have completely different issues, we understand each other about a lot of things. There is a connection.

This weekend I was reminded again and again that there is a purpose in everything. There is a reason that I am doing all of this, that I have gone and am going through all of these things. Over and over, as I interact with others, I am seeing the connections.

He isn’t just reminding me “You aren’t alone in this struggle.” He is saying, “Your fight in this is connecting you to these people, enabling you to touch their lives in a way you couldn’t before.”

I’ve suddenly become aware that God has put this desire for connection within me. I may have been doing it wrong, but He had a reason for making me who I am.

I can doubt. I can tell Him He’s got the wrong girl. I can say, “I’m not special...” But when I do work for Him and walk away feeling fulfilled and connected, it reminds me that all of this is for a reason. Seeing Him use me for His purposes and fulfill the desires of my heart at the same time reminds me that I was created for this.

Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
Psalms 37:4-6

Distractions

Praying for others
helps with my anxiety,
reminds me that I'm not
the center of the universe
the way the enemy wants
me to believe I am.

The more I pray for others,
the more I feel him fight me.
The more I pray for others,
      the more distractions I see,
      the more things seem to go wrong
      the more plans change at the last minute
      the more conflict pops up.
The more I pray for others,
the more he tries to inflame my insecurities and anxieties.

Using my humanity against me,
he sways my focus back to myself.
Humans are selfish, it isn't difficult
to get us to turn our focus inward.

As I spend more time in prayer
it has become easier to see it happening.
and I've pushed through to come back,
      pouring over scriptures more diligently
      praying more fiercely
      praising more passionately
than I was before the distraction took place.

A continuously looped playlist
of praise and worship music helps.
Google+ tells me the 35 song playlist
has been played through 40+ times
in just the last few weeks.

But over the last few days,
as pain from a stupid injury
has continuously increased,
making me lose precious sleep,
it has been persistently harder
to keep my focus on anyone else.


I've been to the chiropractor now,
the pain is already improving.
But it wasn't until this afternoon,
when nothing today had gone as planned,
the ugly monster of anxiety overtook me,
and I realized how little time had been spent
in personal prayer and the Word.

So he needed a new technique for distracting me...
Nothing like physical pain to make
a person more inwardly focused.
I have to admit, it was a solid plan.
But I've caught on now.
The enemy won't win this battle either.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Psalm 19:14

So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

James 4:7  

Thankful

thankful
blessed
amazed
relieved
surprised
overwhelmed

by friends who don't judge...
who will pack boxes,
sift through garbage,
load a truck,
move furniture,
help me with the yucky jobs,
and make me laugh as I try not to puke while doing a really yucky one.

friends who didn't run
when I said I needed help.
some who stepped up
before I even asked.

very thankful for everything God is doing in my life and a chance to be a testimony that He really can help change every part of a life... even if doing so means those friends have to see the 'before' that I keep trying to hide...

Wanting to do the right thing

There are things in life
that you to learn to enjoy
that you learn to think are acceptable
that you even learn to think are desirable
and from time to time
you wonder why
these acceptable,
enjoyable,
desirable things
seem to be messing up your life.

When the decision is made
to live a life
that is pleasing to God
casting off the old ways
can feel wonderful.
You know you are starting
a new journey.
You know you are starting
a new life.

The problem is
that just because God says
"I don't like that"
it doesn't flip a switch
in your brain
to make you hate
the things you used to love.

So as time goes by
and temptations arise
the new creation that you are
will not automatically
reject the old.
That comes with practice
and vigilance
and prayers of protection
for your mind and body.

Stay in the word.
Keep your mind on right things.
Keep company with those who will not lead you into temptation.
Pray that His will becomes yours.
And know that wanting to do the right thing
and choosing to do the right thing
is not the same as
hating the things of the past.

And while that may come with time
making the choice to do the "right" thing
in the face of tempation
is also learned.
So you can't be discouraged
when you are tempted
or when you catch yourself
thinking about the wrong things.
God sees the progress you have made
since you first turned your life around.

You are going to be okay.
You are going to succeed.
You can do this.
He wouldn't ask you to do it if you couldn't.
He just wants you to rely on Him.

And know that the "you" I am talking to here, might be you... but really, it is me.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4: 14-16

 

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philipians 4:8

Fighting

My codependent nature makes me seek out people when I am hurting...
and not always in the healthiest ways.
But because my promises made a lot of things off-limits.
Now, I want to talk.
I want to argue.
I want to know someone cares.
I want to people to make me feel better.
But I know that isn't the way it is supposed to work.
So I'm writing more today.
Trying to bother people less.

I've written a bunch of other posts. But tonight I am just saving them and going to sleep.

Maybe tomorrow things will look better.

My only hope at this point is that someday down the road I will look back at so many negative posts in a row and understand what it is I don't understand yet.

Tonight Francis Chan says, "The frustrating part about receiving wisdom from God... there is nothing anyone can do to make you get it."

No eye has seen. No ear has heard.

John 6:63 It is the spirit who gives life. The flesh is of no help at all.

This makes us all dependent on Him for our answers.

I hate depending on others for anything.
They never come through.
I KNOW they will never come through
but I go ahead and believe in them
give everyone the benefit of the doubt
and I pay for it in the end.
Every Time.

Stop making me trust blindly

I need the sky to open up and rain 2x4s

I need a flashing neon sign

I need something to make sense.

I don't just need you to fight for me.

I NEED TO SEE YOU FIGHTING FOR ME.

I still love You

Hey
I want you to know
I still love You.
I get that everything
that happens is important
in some way,
whether it is important
to me or to someone else.
I get that You are in charge
of the universe.
So You get to make the decisions,
not me.
I'm okay with that too.
I'm not that good at it.
It's all Yours.
The reason I'm telling You this?
I don't want there to be any mistake
about the fact that I love You when I say
I just don't like You very much at the moment.

You aren't supposed to love like anyone else.
Your love is supposed to be different.
But I've been here before
and it feels the same.
This relationship got serious and
I told You everything I have is Yours.
I told You I would do whatever You want me to do.
Anything.
You just have to be really, really clear...
and then You stopped talking to me.
Why? I'll probably never know...
     that's how you guys do things.
No, You don't owe me anything.
Not even answers.

I still love You. I just don't like You right now.
When You decide to talk to me again
I'll be here waiting. I'm not going anywhere.
Supposedly, I'm doing great...
but please just don't wait too much longer,
because I can't hold all of this together on my own.
Who am I kidding? "All of this?"
I can't even hold myself together on my own.

Whom shall I fear?

It seems like
the cold gray rainy days
are taking their toll
on my emotions today,
although it could just be
a convenient excuse to
to turn on the electric blanket
and take a long nap
and pretend life doesn't exist.

Three times today
I've cried for no reason
other than the arguments
going on in my own head.
I keep praying that God
will answer me
tell me what to do next
send a sign
smack me upside the head
anything
to get me to see
what I must be missing.

I have never wanted
to follow His path
more than I do
right this moment
and at the same time
I don't remember
ever feeling this lost.
(Although that's partly because when I WAS lost, I didn't know or care.)

So many things
are so close to falling apart
and I don't know how
to fix them
and I can't even ask
for help
because I don't know
what I need.
Except for answers
that I'm not getting.

The Lord is my light
and my salvation
Whom shall I fear?
Only the person
who gets me into more trouble
than anyone else I know.
Me.

Save me from myself.
Fight for me.
I need to know You are fighting for me.

Tetris

Tetris blocks don't just 
          "fall into place"
  all on their own.
         They need to be rotated
and moved from side to side
                     and stacked just right
to get every

                thing to work.
I used to think

            I was pretty good at the game.
    Still, I handed the controller off 
        to someone else. 
   Someone who is now saying
                                        "Ooohhh, watch what I can do!"
                            and I'm holding my breath
           as the blocks pile up
   without order or rhyme or reason.
      Trying to remind myself
I handed the controller off to Him
    because He knows the next 247 blocks
       because He knows what is going to happen 

          because He put the blocks there Himself.
And when it all comes together
and the lower layers disappear
I'm going to be glad I handed

     it off to Him...

 

Right now I'm still holding my breath.

My Prayer

After so many years
of chasing dreams in circles
and finding nothing that
does not end in
pain and disappointment
I have come to realize
that to get anywhere close
to where I want to be in life
Your will must be
the most important thing to me.
And while I have no doubt
that Your way is the best way,
I'm having trouble following the path.
I need you to step in and fight for me.

Why does straight and narrow
feel so dark and winding?
Could You please just
move the clouds
calm the storm
drop some turn by turn
directions in my lap
whatever it takes to keep me
from using the few zaps
of my remaining brain power
to decipher a message
that I will inevitably
second guess.
I need You to step in and fight for me.

I know that sometimes
You choose to calm the storm
and sometimes
You choose to calm the child
But I KNOW You can do both.
I'm not asking for
perfection.
I'm not asking for
everything to go my way.
But continuing to fight
all of these battles
all of the time
is exhausting.
I need You to step in and fight for me.

I'm sure that
others have fought
longer
and harder
and scarier battles...
others have walked
darker
and windier
and steeper paths...
But tonight I don't want to be
stronger
or braver
or better than anyone else.
I just need You to step in and fight for me.

Clear my path,
capture my heart,
tell them they can't have me,
battle in my place,
I need You to step in and fight for me.

Mistaking the signs

Have you ever stood at the open fridge door at midnight, looking for a snack and realised that while food would be great... what you are really feeling is tired? They say people who drink more water during the day eat less than those who don't because people often mistake thirst for hunger. We mistake boredom for hunger too. We mistake lots of things for hunger... sometimes anger or pain... loneliness ... probably just about any uncomfortable feeling. You can trust me on this... fat girls know this stuff. :-P We also know that the thing we've chosen instead of the thing we need... doesn't satisfy us for long.

I was reading 1 Peter 2 where things of the spirit are compared to baby milk. And while, much like being called "God's daughter", being called a "baby Christian" irks me... it was something else about the verses that I settled on.

Depending on the version, we are told to "crave" or "desire" things of the spirit.

We are to seek Him (Deut 4:29), seek Him diligently (Prov 8:17),

Elsewhere in the Bible, we are told that our soul should yearn for God the way a dear yearns for water.

We are to
   call upon him
      return to him
         draw near to him

Psalms 63:1 A Psalm of David, when he was in the wilderness of Judah. O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.      

What things have I really been craving lately? What have I really been desiring? Am I just standing in front of an open fridge at midnight, ignoring the real signs?

When I start to feel that emptiness that I talked about a few posts ago, or when I'm lonely, or when I'm scared or sad or frustrated... what if it isn't just me and my issues, trying to make it through another day? Is it possible I'm just mistaking my soul's desperate need for God to take control of some area of my life with my own daily struggle?

I know all too well that I can sate any desire for a moment if I convince myself that what I really crave is something else... So for how long am I going to let the enemy convince me that the cravings, desires, thirsts, that I have are for things of this world, when I can clearly see that choosing to satisfy any hunger I have with God is the way to true satisfaction?