Worth

Today I was reminded that if God's plan
for my future includes helping teach other
women their worth in Him, that I might need
to have a better grasp on my own.

As much as my life has changed, as much
as I think I understand my worth now,
(I even posted about it last Christmas)
God says, "Nope, you don't quite get it yet."

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't
Let an ex flirt from 14 hours away,
knowing he doesn't really mean a word
just because it's nice to feel wanted.

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't obsess
over blog stats, retweets, and click-throughs
as if they are important, when she knows God
is using her work and that's all that should matter.

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't
dislike being alone so much that she often busies
herself to exhaustion, while putting off solitary,
yet necessary, tasks until the last minute.

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't
keep trying to find it through the eyes
of others when God has made it clear
that the only opinion that matters is His.

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't
long for things God has asked her to put aside,
because she knows her relationship with God
is more important than the things she thinks she misses.

I struggle with the whys of this at the moment because
I know it's not because He hasn't tried to show me.

But I also know that if God really wanted me to understand,
He could open my eyes to it, remove the veil in my mind.

So, why do I still struggle with knowing my worth?
What are You waiting for, God? Lay it on me. I'm ready. I think.

Or am I missing something else here? Maybe there is a reason
for this struggle? Maybe recognizing the struggle is half the battle?

I keep trying to wrap this up with some amazing Heavenly answer
but I don't really have one. When I do, I have a feeling you'll know.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
~Psalm 139:13-16