God has been working on me for awhile. He has probably been trying much longer than that... but I was too scared or bull-headed to listen.
I've finally taken the first step... and here it is.
I've never been great at being single. I've made some really dumb choices for the sake of "love" when I was really just running from something... usually being alone. I haven't been in a serious relationship in over a year now... and I haven't been on a date in months.
I still don't like being single... God didn't create me to be single. I know He didn't. But at the same time, I know He is keeping me from being in a relationship. He won't let it happen. I know why too... but I didn't really know what to do about it.
Everyone has weaknesses. Everyone has issues that they struggle with. That's why I know, just like He knows, that if He had allowed me to be in a relationship before this, I would have screwed it up. I kept wondering how I would ever be able to have a relationship... because this is who I am. I need physical affection to know that the relationship is real... to know the he really loves me...
Then the thought hit me... the problem is, they didn't love me. Not the way He loves me. Not the way He wants me to be loved. My feelings were a mishmash of emotion and illusion. So, how can I have a relationship and REALLY KNOW that it is real?
I know the answer. I kind of wish I didn't!
I need to have one of those relationships that people think are reserved for idealistic Christian teens... the ones who don't have a physical relationship while they are dating... the ones who don't do anything beyond holding hands... or maybe a hug... the ones who wait until their engagement or even their wedding day for their first kiss. Is it even possible for a mom with four kids? Do men who want a relationship like that even truly exist? Are they the kind of guy I'm looking for in all of their other ways? I don't know.
But, today I told God that I am ready. If He will tell the man who loves Him so much that he has made God the same promise... that I am the one he has been waiting for... then I will stick to it.
With God's help we can do it... whoever he is... we can work it out... and frankly, he better be awesome because I don't take promises like this lightly... lol.
I'm still not "looking" ... God will send him when he is ready... but I feel like I'm clarifying for me what I want and need. Am I being crazy? Am I going so far in the opposite direction of the past for no good reason?